Ending 2014 in Pure Bliss!

I have been doing a lot of reflecting on 2014. Wow, what an epic year! I am very proud of the choices and actions I took to improve my outlook on life. Also the daily steps I took toward happiness, without turning back to the lagoon of anger, fear, guilt, and shame that tried to swallow and take me back. 

As I wrote out my list for 2014, I was blown away at what occurred in only 365 days.

I walked through several fires and was able to make a decision to not stop or hesitate. Or look back, I think that was a big step for me. A miracle to take the time to evaluate my options and then take a leap of faith! I am doing the best for me. The consequences of my leaping will be exactly what I need to live.

I am absolutely perplexed and awed by how every little thing added up over the year and my hard work allowed me to take the power back and start living my life to the fullest! Versus trying to live and fit into someone else's life. I know some people don't believe everything happens for a reason. However, I do believe. The ripple affect of my thoughts and actions affect the energy force around me. I have lived, learned, and experienced, in 2014, how to shift my daily perspective to more positive and open minded thoughts of myself and those around me. This has revealed miracles beyond my imagination.

Looking back years, such as 10 or 13 years ago, I think of some of the choices I made it makes me shutter! However, I pause to reflect some of those decisions and steps I took helped build the foundation of who I am today. Some of those decisions, whether I thought right or wrong, were planted in the dirt and today I am starting to see some of the plants sprouting that have been doormat for years. What a beautiful miracle.

I am grateful that certain things didn't work out the way I had once wanted them too. Letting go of the fantasy I desperately wanted to live and breath. The desire to live in a fantasy always poisoned my reality. It is ok for me to dream and strive for better and new things. I feel that is extremely different than striving for an unrealistic fantasy drenched with expectations.

When I share my story, I have found that my perspective has become quite positive and I work really hard to live in the moment; therefore, I forget a lot of the details of my life that helped me get to this point. I am beyond grateful for my journalling and blogging, to help remind me of my journey, step by step.

Blast to the past, I had to find the awareness to start healing from the inside before I could see the outside world, 2011 reflecting. Then in true fashion I always have to over do it before I find my balance. I explain in my reflection of 2012. Then I took the roller coaster into the next year, 2013.

I am looking forward to 2015 and all the wonderful things to come!! A few people have asked what I want 2015 to look like or what I want to accomplish. I have a few key items I want to focus on, but mainly I want to keep doing what I am doing today. Living in the moment and filling my time and thoughts with those that I love, make me laugh, fill me with happiness, and love me for me. Everything else that comes along will fall into place if I focus on those items in my relationships. Also, I am finding when I take care of my needs in those area, I can give back to those around me ten fold! I will also continue to remind myself to take a deep breath, and admire the world around me and relish is all of it's beauty.

Happy New Year! I hope each day is filled with joy, laughter, and happiness for you!

Take Flight

I love being happy. It's like a drug that I never want to put down. It was an extremely busy day at work, I allowed my entire team to be off these two weeks for the holiday. So I am holding the fort down. Wow, it is just a good reminder and refresher of what my team does day in and day out. Also, a reminder that this is not a one person's job like it was when I started. I need all three of my team members!! I can't wait until both of them are back next week. I also have a new third team member starting next Monday! We are very excited to have her joining the team. My ladies are rock-stars and our team would never be as successful as we are without them! I am very grateful for each of my ladies and all that they teach me.

I had a really good weekend. I am still glowing from it. I spent some quality time with dear friends that I haven't seen for a while and my family. I also had an opportunity to have some conversations on the phone with some special friends. Having the opportunity to build trusting and respectful relationships with people that make me happy is very important to me. I can feel myself shining from within when I get to hangout or just talk to one of these friends. I am very blessed.

I love this ornament a friend gave me. "Dear You, may you give yourself permission to trust your voice, step into your power, and know that what you're doing matters." Wow, stepping into my own power!!! I LOVE THAT! I feel like that is what I have been doing everyday for the last 7 months. Taking the power back and making each day beyond amazing! Life is golden. 

Beautiful things happen when we're unafraid to take flight and see the world from a whole new height!

Set Sail

Remembering to pause and breath today. It was a busy, but amazing weekend spending time with people that I love and cherish. The spirit of being grateful and loving those around me is a year round holiday!

A friend shared the following quote the other day that I love!

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can change the set of my sails." unknown author

The power of choices and working with what I can change. That indeed is a miracle!

Devour the Moment!

I am sitting her with a big smile on my face. What an awesome feeling. I had a great evening last night hanging out with a couple of good friends. These ladies know how to laugh and have a great time. I thrive on that energy. This morning I was able to check off a few items off of my to do list, which is always good for my mood and well being. I have read an article in the past, and might of even blogged about it. Anyhow my recollection of this article, or maybe a study?, recommended that you not live your days by a list and what you accomplish. Sorry that is the extent of my memory on that, but the moral of that, I do and don't agree with my weak memory of this article. It fills me with a sense of accomplishment, pride, and gratitude to accomplish what I set out to do that day. So in that respect, I don't agree. However, I do agree with it's concept, if I allow that list to run my life. What I mean by that, if I don't get my list done or completed in the time frame I set up, then I have to let that go. Shift and re-prioritize my list and things I "feel" I need to do. I also am learning to be a bit more spontaneous. When a friend calls to get together at the last minute, take a serious evaluation of what is on my "to do" list, and make the call whether to meet up with that friend last minute or not. I am also being more aware of how I am feeling before I make a decision to be spontaneous! Anyhow, not sure how I got off on that tangent! I also know the smile is left over from a nice lunch today I had with a dear friend. I devour every moment with this positive, hilarious, intelligent, honest, kind, teasing, respectful, and adorable friend. This friend makes me happy and inspires me. More will be revealed.

I wanted to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and hope your heart and spirit is filled with joy and happiness. If you are lacking any of that, I hope you can pause to take a moment to find a sliver of either or a whole truck load of it to dump into your mind, heart, and soul! They both are amazing to make you feel light and rejoice this beautiful time of year. I have let the stress and worries go for today.

The Fog is Clearing...

After a restful night and back to my positive daily routine, I feel much better today! I am almost back to 100% of feeling like I can take over the world! Another good nights rest and surrounding myself with people I love and people that help lift me up in life.

I took a step back after yesterday and did some reflecting on how it made me feel. It blows my mind how deeply I am affected by certain people and how I allow it to affect me in such a negative way. They have no clue what they do. For years I allowed their unacceptable behaviors to affect the way I thought and felt. I allowed them to poison my heart, mind, and soul. The combination of my anxiousness in anticipation of the task and seeing these individuals yesterday, then the actual interactions, had me in a tail spin back to my old thinking and the stress knot in my stomach. I have a special place in my heart for these people, but it was a reminder that for my sanity and serenity, I have to continue to detach physically and emotionally. I have some more healing to do before I have another interaction. I know someday maybe I can have future interactions, if I want too, but not today.

Yesterday, I was in tears by the end of the day with the drowning feeling of being overwhelmed! It was like a flash back to 7 or 8 years ago. I literally wanted to physically throw up I was so upset. It even started to bleed and poison my thoughts of other areas in my life! The power of my mind to allow other people the power to make me feel that ill. The horrible part, they have no clue of their unacceptable behavior and it is not my place to tell them. However, it is my place to take care of ME. I had to walk through that fire to get to the other side. Always tough and can be painful, but it is worth getting to the other side.

My confidence is coming back and life is good again!

Perfect Storm

It was a little bit of a roller coaster day. A great morning spent with a dear friend, but then an anxiously anticipated afternoon. Only because of the help and support of my amazing family, I was able to wrap up a final healing and letting go, but daunting task today. H wasn't able to come by to pick up the rest of his "items", for the third time. I needed this completed. So I took the items to a location he asked me too. I am grateful I was able to handle the situation with grace and integrity. However, that shitty committee in my head has been in full session for the last few days in anticipation of this step in the healing process. I am feeling exhausted/drained, but relief, but also overwhelmed that I added this to my already busy schedule. I need to take a step back and breath.

I came across this random quote, not sure who to cite the credit too, but never the less a good reminder to stay in the moment and breath. 

"You can’t calm the storm, so stop trying. What you can do is calm yourself. The storm will pass." ~unknown author

Can I Pause?

It is hard to believe this year is coming to an end quickly! I seem to always feel that way the week after my birthday and as the holidays creep up on me. Speaking of birthday weekends, I think this last weekend was one of the best birthdays I have had in a long time. I had a trip to Vegas with my Sister and her man. I love going on adventures with those two. On my birthday, this past Sunday, I got a text from an old friend from High School who had a photo from my 16th birthday. I did not have that specific photo. It brought a big smile to my lips. Remembering back, that was a good day with all my dear friends.  My parents put together a "car rodeo" for my birthday since all of my friends were a bit older than me and we all drove. There were different events set up on my parents 10 acres and there were prizes to be won! It was an all day event and I remember everyone having a great time! Down to the bonfire at the end. Fond memories.

It is the most amazing feeling to feel happy in the moment today. It is also amazing to remember back on fond memories that make me smile. My heart feels light and happy today. Truly a blessing and a miracle, due to my hard work, footwork, and investment in myself that I was willing to put into life.

My thoughts are a bit all over the map today, so sorry if I jump from topic to topic. I was cleaning out one of my bags and came across a journal from four or so years ago. I enjoy reading older entries I wrote, giving an incredible insight into that moment and where I was at in that point in time. Many of my entries bring tears to my eyes and heart. Sometimes I have to put it down and walk away. There is so much sadness in my words and it just seeps from the pages and my handwriting. It takes me right back to that day. That is painful, but something I know I need to do periodically to recognize and be proud of how far I have come. The combination of fear and anger literally paralyzed me for so long. I am grateful that I had, and have, Al-Anon to help work through each of those days and emotions to find myself again.

Today I am beyond grateful for my family and my dear friends that mean the world to me. I love technology that helps me stay closely in touch with those I care about, in a flash of an eye.

I have been living life to it's fullest lately and I am struggling with reining it in a bit financially. I have been a bit crazy with having fun. **sigh** I have dug myself into a hole before, and you know what, I will dig myself out again. I will be ok. I just need to set my awesome discipline skills in some different areas of my life that I have been to lax. I don't want to let myself down or anyone else with bad choices. Although, I will be gentle with myself if I make a decision that is possibly less desirable.  You know why? Because it was my decision and I will live with the consequences and make better decisions from there. Trial and error.

On to another topic, I came across my step 9 letter to myself. Wow. I still have tears in my eyes. I needed to read that today. Here is a little bit to share that I wrote a couple years ago. "Be willing to make amends and take courageous steps to live those amends. It is true you treated yourself horribly by finding ways to beat yourself down or finding an excue to not take that leap of faith. This self-crippling was paralyzing; however, you have the awareness today to take that power back; to know you are worth the risks; you are worth whatever the outcome is."

Growth is so beautiful. It can be painful when going through it, but looking back it brings happy tears to my eyes and was worth the struggles. My heart swells with gratitude today. Almost don't have words to how happy and grateful I am right now. 

Things have been so amazing in so many areas of my life, I sometimes want to pause and bottle these amazing feelings. I realize that is the "old" me thinking, waiting for the shoe to drop. The funny thing is, I have the awareness today to realize I don't have to live my life with that thinking anymore. Life is going to happen. Disappointments are going to come my way. Results of choices I made may not be what I wanted or expected. The beauty of today, I can let go of that crazy thinking, the shoe is going to drop, because it probably will, that I don't have control over. What I do have control over is how I react to each of those shoes being tossed at me. Which today I am feeling more confident in my self-esteem to take on each of those challenges head on and conquer each one in my own little way. Living in the moment and making the best of each moment. Life is amazing today.

Happiness

I just had an awesome evening with some amazing women that I am blessed to have in my life! It always rejuvenates my soul to spend quality time with these ladies. 

I follow another blog and I feel like her posts always start out, dear Simply Me....

"Don’t ever change just to impress someone who says you’re not good enough. Change because it makes you a better person and leads you to a brighter future. People are going to talk regardless of what you do or how well you do it. So worry about yourself before you worry about what others think. If you believe strongly in something, don’t be afraid to fight for it. Your life only comes around once. This is IT. So do what makes you happy and be with whoever makes you smile." Lessonslearnedinlife.com

I agree completely! With the friends I have in my life today, I can be simply me, flaws and all! I then in return love them just as they are today, which each one is beautiful inside and out! 

This is IT! I am taking the power back! Which then, in turn helps me to do the things that make me happy and spend my time and energy with those that make me smile. Life is amazing. 

Taking Risks

It has been one of the best Thanksgiving holiday weekends I can remember! I am beyond grateful for my family and my true friends that have been by my side thru this journey, both near and miles away. Thank you for your support! I am and will forever be grateful. 

What hasn't changed, I had just about every minute planned with meeting up with family and/or friends! But what has changed is I did not feel stressed out about the hectic schedule, instead looked forward to each get together and did really well living in the moment while I was with each person. That is a lot of growth for me as I either was drowning in the past or living in the wreckage of the future! Looking back all those years, I missed out on the gifts right in front of me. I have promised myself I am taking that power back and will no longer waste my energy on the past or future, because I want to relish in the gifts and lessons my Higher Power shares with me today.

This weekend has demonstrated the power and importance of me making the choice to live in the moment and keep it simple, not only with my actions and words, but also with my self-talk can be a miracle. 

"Today I can risk being myself. I don't have to live up to anyone's image. All I have to do is be me." CtoC p334

Hope you find it

I follow several motivational blogs, emails, FB pages, etc to always keep a positive outlook and message in front of me. This always provides reminders at the right time exactly when I need it. This post really hit me today and I want to share word for word with you. 

"I hope that someday you find someone that gives you butterflies the moment you meet them. And that the first time you touch, it feels like electricity is running through your body. I hope that when you’re with them, you never want to leave. I hope you are the first and last thing they think about every day. I hope you play it cool in front of people, but can’t keep your hands off each other in private. I hope that when you give them your heart, they don’t break it. I hope that the things they tell you aren’t just things you want to hear, but things they want to say. I hope that you fit in their arms better than the last piece of a puzzle, and that you always feel safe when they hold you. I hope that when you fight, you fight hard, but that when you love, you love harder. I hope that once you find them, you can’t picture your life without them. I hope that they take your breath away. I hope that, together, you create happiness. I hope that with them, you’re not afraid of the future, but excited for it. I hope that, every day, they tell you how much they love you. I hope that when you find them, you realize it before it’s too late. I hope that you take them and love them and never let them go. I hope you find it.
~Lauren M. Smith"

Honestly, this brought tears to my eyes. I pray this person finds me. I know I will be ok with or without him, but I will be on top of the world with him and I deserve it. Words, and then action to support those words, mean the world to me.