Devour the Moment!

I am sitting her with a big smile on my face. What an awesome feeling. I had a great evening last night hanging out with a couple of good friends. These ladies know how to laugh and have a great time. I thrive on that energy. This morning I was able to check off a few items off of my to do list, which is always good for my mood and well being. I have read an article in the past, and might of even blogged about it. Anyhow my recollection of this article, or maybe a study?, recommended that you not live your days by a list and what you accomplish. Sorry that is the extent of my memory on that, but the moral of that, I do and don't agree with my weak memory of this article. It fills me with a sense of accomplishment, pride, and gratitude to accomplish what I set out to do that day. So in that respect, I don't agree. However, I do agree with it's concept, if I allow that list to run my life. What I mean by that, if I don't get my list done or completed in the time frame I set up, then I have to let that go. Shift and re-prioritize my list and things I "feel" I need to do. I also am learning to be a bit more spontaneous. When a friend calls to get together at the last minute, take a serious evaluation of what is on my "to do" list, and make the call whether to meet up with that friend last minute or not. I am also being more aware of how I am feeling before I make a decision to be spontaneous! Anyhow, not sure how I got off on that tangent! I also know the smile is left over from a nice lunch today I had with a dear friend. I devour every moment with this positive, hilarious, intelligent, honest, kind, teasing, respectful, and adorable friend. This friend makes me happy and inspires me. More will be revealed.

I wanted to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and hope your heart and spirit is filled with joy and happiness. If you are lacking any of that, I hope you can pause to take a moment to find a sliver of either or a whole truck load of it to dump into your mind, heart, and soul! They both are amazing to make you feel light and rejoice this beautiful time of year. I have let the stress and worries go for today.

The Fog is Clearing...

After a restful night and back to my positive daily routine, I feel much better today! I am almost back to 100% of feeling like I can take over the world! Another good nights rest and surrounding myself with people I love and people that help lift me up in life.

I took a step back after yesterday and did some reflecting on how it made me feel. It blows my mind how deeply I am affected by certain people and how I allow it to affect me in such a negative way. They have no clue what they do. For years I allowed their unacceptable behaviors to affect the way I thought and felt. I allowed them to poison my heart, mind, and soul. The combination of my anxiousness in anticipation of the task and seeing these individuals yesterday, then the actual interactions, had me in a tail spin back to my old thinking and the stress knot in my stomach. I have a special place in my heart for these people, but it was a reminder that for my sanity and serenity, I have to continue to detach physically and emotionally. I have some more healing to do before I have another interaction. I know someday maybe I can have future interactions, if I want too, but not today.

Yesterday, I was in tears by the end of the day with the drowning feeling of being overwhelmed! It was like a flash back to 7 or 8 years ago. I literally wanted to physically throw up I was so upset. It even started to bleed and poison my thoughts of other areas in my life! The power of my mind to allow other people the power to make me feel that ill. The horrible part, they have no clue of their unacceptable behavior and it is not my place to tell them. However, it is my place to take care of ME. I had to walk through that fire to get to the other side. Always tough and can be painful, but it is worth getting to the other side.

My confidence is coming back and life is good again!

Perfect Storm

It was a little bit of a roller coaster day. A great morning spent with a dear friend, but then an anxiously anticipated afternoon. Only because of the help and support of my amazing family, I was able to wrap up a final healing and letting go, but daunting task today. H wasn't able to come by to pick up the rest of his "items", for the third time. I needed this completed. So I took the items to a location he asked me too. I am grateful I was able to handle the situation with grace and integrity. However, that shitty committee in my head has been in full session for the last few days in anticipation of this step in the healing process. I am feeling exhausted/drained, but relief, but also overwhelmed that I added this to my already busy schedule. I need to take a step back and breath.

I came across this random quote, not sure who to cite the credit too, but never the less a good reminder to stay in the moment and breath. 

"You can’t calm the storm, so stop trying. What you can do is calm yourself. The storm will pass." ~unknown author

Participation is the Key to Harmony...

This concept is my favorite. I really clung and absorbed this concept when I starting doing service work. I am grateful I was able to learn how to apply it into all aspects of my life. I am working in the Reaching for Personal Freedom workbook, and it shares, "Concept four addresses a deep spiritual need--belonging." I always wanted to belong growing up. Although my parents were amazing and always made me feel loved and that I belonged to an amazing family. Once I went to public school, I struggled with trying to be unique and myself, and finding that balance of fitting in with the "cool" kids. Constant struggle I had growing up, because I wasn't one of the cool kids. Anyhow, that is a tangent I didn't intend to get into.

What I really liked was the following quote, "Participation give us the courage to speak when appropriate, the maturity to be silent when needed, and the detachment to listen to other points of view without judgment. Concept four reminds us that we don't have to do everything, only our part." Wow, that is packed with strength, courage and hope! I thought I hit the gold when I figured out I didn't have to try running and balancing everyone else's life. I just had to maintain mine, while finding healthy boundaries and balance of living and loving those around. I am grateful today for the tools at my disposal, so I can accomplish that courage, live the maturity, and breath the detachment with love and no judgement. 

Good for the Soul

I had productive and peaceful weekend with lots of time to myself and a wonderful afternoon filled with family and laughter. They are good for my soul and help me recharge my courage and strength. I am beyond grateful for them. I have been working really hard to focus on the moment and focus on the positive in my day. When I look at the bigger picture right now, I start to feel like I could falter and that old dread starts to gnaw at my insides. I do not want to go back to that place. Life is so fragile. I do not want to waste another minute focusing on the things I have NO CONTROL and cannot change. Instead, keeping that focus on the things I can control and the things I CAN change. 

I feel as though I have stumbled quite a bit lately in what I say. Generally, I feel like I can have grace in what I say to others. However, lately, that does not feel like the case. I am not sure what lesson I am suppose to learn through these mishaps, but I am working to keep my eyes, heart, and mind open to pick it up soon! 

A dear friend of mine was on my mind this morning. The last few years, if someone is on my mind, I will reach out with a simple message. That could be an email, phone call, text, mailing a letter/card, or whatever the moment calls for, but something to let them know they are on my mind and I appreciate/love them. Because I do with all my heart. However, sometimes I am interrupted for various reasons and do not get the message out when I originally thought of them. I had a pleasant surprise this morning, that dear friend that I was thinking of today actually sent me a message first! It brought tears to my eyes and I could feel the love. I am forever grateful for my dear friends that know who I am and what I'm all about, and love me all the same. 

As life tosses challenges at me and I duck, bob, weave, and sometimes get hit in the face due to not bobbing fast enough, I am continually reminding myself to be gentle with myself. Today I shuffled the power thought cards my friend gave me to see what I needed to read for today. Forgiveness. The reminder was to forgive myself. The "mistakes" I feel I have been making lately, I need to forgive myself and release the worry and turmoil I put myself through. Make my amends, majority of the time with myself since the "mistakes" are most likely in my head and no one even noticed. Forgiving myself will help me release me from the past. Forgiveness is the answer to almost every problem. A lot of my problems, I have created in my own mind and then that can escalate to other issues that never needed to be there. If I forgive myself for not doing something better or perfect, that goes a LONG ways! **deep breath** Forgiveness is a gift to myself. That gift can be in the present, forgive myself and set myself free. 

I would like to end with sharing a quote I came across this week, that I loved. It provides a slightly different perspective, that I always enjoy! Progress not perfection. 

Flash Back That Reflects Today

I heard this song again and it brought me back to a post I wrote towards the beginning of my blogger days, titled It'll Rain on a Sunny Day. I'd like to share with you again, as it is a good reminder for me to live for today and what is important right now. To remember to not project in the wreckage of the future or dwell in the grief of the past, but be in the present; the gift of life as it is today. 

Reflection

I have been reflecting a bit on the last week or so. It continues to amaze me how much can happen in one day. The power of just one day. The flux of wonderful and not so wonderful things that can occur. This past week I finally made it to a meeting, one I hardly can make it too due to my schedule. However, my day unfolded and landed me right at the door of the meeting. Blessing in disguise. I heard exactly what I needed to hear, I know I say that a lot, but it's a miracle every time I listen to people who share their experience, strength, and hope. I also find when I'm not able to make it to meetings for a few weeks in a row and I finally make it to a different meeting with perspectives I have not heard before; that is when my reflection is sparked again. I always feel recharged and ready to take on anything after feeling ready and open to new evaluation and thought of my life. The meeting I attended was on Step 6. "Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character." I can remember when those were just words. Something we read before every meeting. Today having worked through the steps and a few years in the program under my belt, it has a deeper meaning today. A powerful rooted meaning in my life today. 

One of the readings that was shared was about hurt people hurt. That really struck home to me. When I really sit down and think about my everyday life, learning to have compassion and love for another human being that is truly hurting in many ways and just does not have the means to return that love and compassion hurts. The choices and actions they chose to make on a daily basis can hurt others. Those actions may consciously be made to hurt others or unconsciously, depends. The flip side that I'm learning is that I do have the choice to ALLOW those choices and actions to hurt me. Even though I may not react in a negative way or reactive way by getting angry or snapping back with a response. It does not mean it does not hurt. That hurt is still there whether I chose to react or not. Living with that active disease day in and day out, watching it progress, breaks my heart. Watching the one you love hurting themselves. I am getting better at being aware when actions are being taken to hurt me by others. Sometimes I recognize faster than other times, but I usually come to the realization that what is going on really has nothing to do with me, I am just an escape goat or deflection. I have worked so hard to be in the moment, that when these difficult situations arise, I am so in the moment, I tend to forget to see the bigger picture that what is actually being said most likely is NOT what is really the trigger of the situation. I tend to not realize that right away, leaving me confused and dazed, asking, "What just happened?"

When those difficult times come up then I reach for my tools, such as compassion, that I have to keep on stock and available to apply at anytime. I visually have to keep a shelf of compassion and love that I am constantly building through my recovery to help me walk through the fire to get to the other side. Making the choice to allow the other person to own their own stuff. Then I can own mine. I am getting tired of hurting. Tired of getting angry. By finding the compassion and love, not only in others, but finding within myself. It was a slow transition, but when I focused on changing myself to be a better person, the shift of that focus helped me accept myself more often then not. Weaknesses and strengths, all in one! The compassion I found, only came after a long time of others in Al-Anon that loved me just as I was, even though I was extremely broken. Having that support helped me grow and learn how to reach deep within myself to find that acceptance and love.

I am grateful I was able to find the courage to accept myself in the skin I have today. I could not have done that without a strong connection with my higher power, of my understanding. That was key for me, to have an understanding of a power greater than  myself, which is not in line with anyone else or other's belief. Although the chaos bubbles under the surface of those around me and sometimes within myself, I have the opportunity to use each of those situations to learn, recovery, and grow to learn to live with serenity. Step 6 was very healing to me. Having that acceptance of myself and seeing the beauty/hope in each situation, really gave me hope. My willingness and my openness, I feel, has helped me reach this point in my life.

"If a man carries his own lantern he need not fear darkness." -Hasidic Saying

**Disclaimer the photos are not mine, random internet "reflection" photos I have a huge respect for and was not sure how to site the photos. I LOVE reflection photos and always trying to capture my own. 

Healing Power of Laughter

It has been quite a journey the last month! I wanted to stop by for a quick "Hello" and update: 

* The journey is challenging and really pushing me to stretch knowledge and skills while working on my Master's. I will be taking a brief break after this class is done and starting classes up again in mid July. 
* I recently received an unexpected promotion at work! I feel very honored the leaders in my department have confidence in me to take on a new challenging direction in my career I never imagined myself exploring. My course work is very relevant to this new position. My HP working in mysterious ways! **wink**
* I miss my gardening terribly. However, I understand my time and commitment is focused on my school right now. I will get my hands dirty again in the future! 
* Overall life has been very tame and with little chaos in the face of alcoholism. Although the disease continues to fester and bubble in my home, peace and serenity is slowly weaving its self through the disease in my home. It is a true blessing.
* I am looking forward to the Area Al-Anon convention coming up in May! The committee I am chairing is coming right along with our tasks. I also volunteered to do a workshop at the convention. I have been praying on how all the pieces of that workshop are going to come together. Although I have several ideas of how I plan to run the workshop, I don't have all of my details finalized. Despite that I feel at peace it will all fall into place. That's a sigh of my recovery right there! 
* I am also looking forward to the International Al-Anon convention in Vancouver! Although, I still have a few butterflies in my stomach as I am not sure how I will be getting there or where I am going to be staying yet. More will be revealed! 
* Spring has arrived! After the horrible freezes we had this winter, many of our plants at home are bouncing back with the beautiful warmer weather. There are also an abundance of flowers blooming at work!

* I have been working to manage my stress level; however, that has proven to be difficult with my new position and school. However, when I catch myself all wound up and not breathing! I have to stop, take a deep breath and re-evaluate, what do I have control of at this moment. Generally, I was freaking out about something that I didn't have any control over. On the flip side, I could calm down, breath, and then start working on one task at a time. Such as finish reading the lecture notes for this week. (Which is what I really should be doing right now!). Or what works for me when I'm feeling overwhelmed with so much on my plate, is to make a list of items I need to accomplish. Then I prioritize each item depending on when that item needs to be completed. That helps me get that panic out of my head and allows me to step back and focus on one item at a time.
* I found out some difficult news yesterday about a friend. He had a serious stroke a few days ago and is in ICU. It isn't looking good. This individual is a ray of sunshine and has touched so many lives. It brings tears to my eyes right now that this has happened to him. His wife is also someone that I hold dear to my heart. Both are amazing, strong, and inspirational people to so many. They have been in my prayers continuously. I believe that their Higher Power will take care of each of them. He would not put either through this difficult time if they were not ready. It is a sad time and my heart just breaks, but I can't focus on that, I focus on the wonderful things about him that make me smile. Please keep my friends in your prayers. * I have found the last few days really reaching into my gratitude basket being thankful for what I have. When I take the gratitude inventory, I feel beyond blessed!
* I follow several "inspirational sites" and this one popped up and was VERY relevant to my days lately. I shared with my team today and we all have this posted next to our computers to help keep each task, each moment, and each day in perspective! That perspective is dependent upon my attitude. My attitude is something I have control over.

I miss you all! I hope you are doing well and hope you are finding and enjoying serenity in your beautiful day!

Enlightening

We have had storms rolling through the valley on and off for the last week or so. I was able to capture some of the lightening that was showing off not far from where I'm staying. Although the storm was heading the opposite direction and we didn't get any rain, it was still gorgeous!

I had a great day at work today! I had some training that helped put some more pieces of the puzzle together for me. Now I'm looking forward to applying what I've learned!

I realize I share a lot from Courage to Change, but I find a lot of strength, courage, and hope from the writings in this book that have helped inspire a lot of my recovery. In fact, as I've shared a few times I feel like each of the readings were written specifically for me! Each reading also seems to be exactly what I needed to read at that moment. I'm also fascinated that I can read the same reading I read a year ago, and receive a different message from the same words. How is that possible, you might ask? Well, I'm simply in a different place today than I was a year ago. My perspective has changed and most likely I have some new tools to work with to help me continue to see and appreciate life in a new light. This was also the first life saving piece of literature I bought when I first walked into the rooms of Al-Anon. I honestly don't remember ever reading the reading from today, August 20th. I don't have any notes or scribbles on the page. Perhaps I've never read this page and it was saved for me for today, over three years after I bought the book. Perhaps it wouldn't have meant anything to me until today.
A billboard in my town reads, "Some come to the fountain of knowledge to drink. Some come to gargle." My pre-Al-Anon self would have chuckled at this message, but I would have felt some anxiety about whether I was a drinker or a gargler. Life was either black or white, and in order to feel comfortable, I had to know which extreme applied. But whichever label I pinned on myself would leave me feeling wrong, so I would scramble to fix myself.

Now, thanks to Al-Anon, I accept more easily the thought that sometimes I drink, sometimes I gargle, and sometimes I stub my toe on the fountain as I stumble by. I don't have to do better or differently. The best that I can do is good enough. I can relax and enjoy the joke.

Today's Reminder
Al-Anon encourages me to examine my thoughts and actions, but this is meant as an act of self-love, not as a weapon to use against myself.  When I begin to accept myself exactly as I am, life will feel a lot more gentle.
"Sometimes we try so hard that we fail to see that the light we are seeking is within us." As We Understood...

I can remember feeling the pressure of trying to label myself. It was never good enough and always trying to do better, but only to the detriment of my sanity. Then trying to label my marriage. Then trying to fix anything and everything that wasn't fitting the picture I had envisioned for us and the vision that those around us expected! Let me tell you, it was like trying to put a square peg in a round hole. Ridiculous! I personally feel I have come a long way in feeling comfortable that I don't have to fit into a cookie cutter label that society or those around me are trying to put me and/or my marriage into. That includes myself. Instead, I can work to feel comfortable with who I am today. Accept that my marriage is exactly the way it is suppose to be today. It is ok that I don't see the world in black and white, I have many shades of gray in my world. However, I can respect that H choices to see the world in black and white. Today I can see and enjoy the humor in life. I can even laugh at myself when I do stub my toe, which I do quite often. It's been quite the journey seeking the light and learning how to find it within. I look forward to more exploration! 

A New Chapter

Wow, yesterday was quite the day! Where do I begin?! First, I survived, barely. I started the day working hard to keep my nerves calm and my mind quiet. I knew it was going to be a day I needed to be gentle with myself. When faced with a tough and difficult decision, in the past I would of avoided the situation at all cost and danced around it as long as possible to avoid the fear of making the tough decision to move forward or not, facing the possibility of rejection or out lash of someone else not agreeing with my decision, or fearing that I was making the right decision, if I didn't make a decision I didn't have to worry about the results of my decision. Clear as mud, right? This fear would simply paralyze me. I lived in that fear bubble far to long. Yesterday I summoned up the courage to do the right thing for me and my career. That action was to respectfully resign from my current position. I had a professional letter prepared and met with my boss, who I will call D, right before lunch. I genuinely appreciate the opportunities I was provided at this organization. In addition, I am grateful that I was able to find work so quickly after being laid off over two years ago during a tough time in our society. However, there were some daily challenges with D that I had to really work my program to get through each day. There were many, many opportunities for me to look in the mirror and learn something about myself when interacting with D.

After reflecting and looking back at the last two years and two months I've worked at my employer, I've experienced and learned a lot in a short time. Here are some examples; I've gained some invaluable work experience, I've learned how to apply professional and personal boundaries in the work place, I've learned what kind of person not to be, I've learned that if I ever decide to go into a management position I will not lead based on fear, I'm grateful for the friendships I've created and I will cherish these amazing ladies that will continue to be in my life, I reconfirmed that I am not a cold and uncaring person but undoubtedly a genuine and caring person about those around me (whether I like you or not), that despite my preparation I can still be blown away and affected by another person's inappropriate reactions to a situation (but I have a choice to not own that inappropriate and unacceptable behavior of that other person and let it go), I learned that no matter how amazing your co-workers are and no matter how much they supported me, unless my manager respects and recognizes my hard work I will not have the opportunity grow within my position or the organization.

The day ended that I would not be working the next two weeks and yesterday would be my final day. I admit, I didn't see that coming. I'm a bit shocked I didn't anticipate that reaction. I had been mentally preparing myself that I would be working hard for the next two weeks to help make the transition go smoothly to help the other ladies in the office. However, I was denied that opportunity. It saddens me that D felt that it was the best practice to let me go immediately. I made sure to inform D, that I hope she knew that I had more integrity and professionalism to work hard for the next two weeks to benefit the organization and not sabotage it. The ridiculous thought process that I would sabotage the organization is absurd. That is just not in my character. If you don't know that, then you don't know me. I believe that simply because the decision for me to leave was not on D's terms, this was the back lash. Fine. Fine. Honestly, I believe it truly is going to be a blessing in disguise for me to have the next couple of weeks off to help clear my mind for my new chapter in my life. In my opinion, D sabotaged the organization with the decision to let me go yesterday.

As the quote I previously posted by Sir WiIlliam Osler said, "...In danger, in adversity, cling to your principles and ideals."

I clung to my principles and ideals yesterday through each tough moment. The serenity prayer was on my mind all day! I was able to walk each difficult situation with grace, poise, professionalism, and dignity. I feel that I was able to be the bigger person and although I was upset by D's reactions, again, I didn't have to own her petty and ridiculous reactions to a professional situation. I was respectfully and professional, and that's all I can do. A piece of me is sad at how broken this individual is to react in such a petty way. However, I have to remind myself I can't change it, I didn't cause it, and I can't cure it! Therefore, I made the choice to move on with my life and career to ensure that I can continue to keep my sanity and serenity on a daily bases. What a relief to find, and apply, that courage and strength to walk across the broken glass for a day. It was worth it! I feel lighter and relieved to be on the other side.

The other piece of this situation that was plaguing my mind, was if H was going to be upset. Why I still insist on projecting in this department, I will never know. I have to continue to work on that everyday. I must say after having a conversation with H, I was relieved with his support and love with the entire situation.

Today was an amazing day! I woke up with the pups I'm house sitting all snuggled against me. The three of us actually slept in! I hardly ever get to sleep in, so that was a nice start to the day. I had mapped out last night two Al-Anon meetings for today! One was a new one that I've never attended and the second one I've been to several times. The first meeting topic was "Where am I today?" It was a small but amazing meeting! I really felt the power of this program and my Higher Power at work for me to hear exactly what I need to hear today. I'm in a good place today and I'm grateful for each experience, good and bad, that have occurred that helped me be who I am today. I felt at peace after the meeting and sat in my car deciding what the next step in my day was going to be. I couldn't decide, so I just started to drive and ended up at the local nail place I like to go too. I ended up being the only person in the entire shop, so the gal that was doing my pedicure and I laughed and joked the entire time. I had so much fun! Plus, pedicures have become one of my favorite past times. The best part I wasn't watching the time and when I was done heading out the door, I noticed that I had just enough time to make it to the second meeting I had planned for the day! The topic for that meeting was Self-Esteem. After listening to everyone share, I realized that yesterday was evidence of my growth not only in my recovery as a whole but in building my self-esteem! I am gradually learning how to live my life with poise and serenity around each corner.

I will be starting the next chapter in my life on Monday, August 13th! I'm looking forward to the new position, new team, new organization, and working for a dear wonderful friend again! Lots of change on the horizon, but I'm ready and willing! I'm grateful that the past is the past, and I don't have to worry about the future, as I'm living today in the present.

Maturity

Sunset in Maui

"Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings." Step seven is about humility which to me is self-acceptance. I am slowing coming to the reality, one day at a time, that I'm not all powerful and not in control of everything and everyone around me. It has been quite a journey learning who I am and learning to accept the limitations that are part of who I am. I'm grateful to be ready to let go of my self-will and hand it over to my Higher Power, of my understanding. I still need to do my part, but to put that acceptance to work by believing in a power greater than myself and be willing to be free of the excess baggage that I've picked up over the years.

I came to a new realization today about step seven. Not only is it about humility and self-acceptance, it's about maturity! If you had asked me years ago if I thought I was mature, I would have told you absolutely! I have been told since I was young that I'm mature for my age. On many levels, it was very true that I was more mature than my actual age. However, I developed coping mechanisms to deal with the family disease of alcoholism, which in turn helped me justify behaviors towards myself and others that were not very mature.

While working this step (and the previous six steps), I realized I had found a new layer of true maturity. I can handle constructive criticism today without taking it personally. In these situations I can be aware of the opportunity to learn something new and see a new perspective or learn to respectfully speak up for myself if the person delivering the criticism is way off in left field. Taking responsibility for my actions, and my actions only. Be genuinely happy for others when they have reached an important achievement, big or small, without trying to steal their thunder. Learning to listen to others with respect and my month shut, even if my point of view is completely the opposite! These are huge accomplishments for me as I would feel the need in the past to do the complete opposite in an attempt to survive. But today, I can ask my HP for help and be willing to take that step to surrender my self-will. I'm willing to continue to work with my HP, of my understanding, to be willing to change the bonds of the old and unhealthy behaviors that try to shackle my character defects.

"Serenity is not freedom from the storm but peace within the storm." unknown source