If
I am completely honest with myself, life it truly amazing and I am
beyond blessed today!! I continue to try hard to put myself in
situations that are outside my comfort zone to help me grow, stretch,
and expand myself while using the tools I am learning. I admit there are
days I cringe with uncomfortable awkwardness in certain situations or
even just the thought of putting myself in a situation. I am just
grateful it is progress not perfection. I also try to hand it over to my
HP to aid me in doing and saying the right thing.
Over time as I become more aware of my journey and what is going on within my life, I realize I have to work hard to pay attention to what messages my Higher Power has to offer me as I become ready for those messages. There are times when I continue to be bombarded with a specific message. Generally, I interpret that as something I should be really paying attention to OR I have not been paying close enough attention to hear the message, so my HP has to repeat it MULTIPLE times before, I pause, think to myself, "Hey, I keep seeing and hearing this same message.... I should probably pay attention and think about this." That has been me the last few weeks. I keep tossing new tasks and events onto my plate, without subtracting anything. I just keep adding. Typical behavior for me. It is something I have repeated over, and over, and over again for years. The competitive side of me comes out that is eager to "win" and prove those that doubt or criticize are wrong! But also the other side of my competitive side to prove to myself I can do it!! Also I convince myself that I am happiest when I am doing "ALL THE THINGS"!!! Since a little girl, I didn't feel like I was living life to the fullest unless I was cramming as many things, events, and thoughts into one day as I could! I know I inherited this trait from my dear Mother, who does the same thing. We run with this mentality for as long as we can, until we crash and burn. We stand up, whip ourselves off, and do it all over again. With that said, since I have brought more awareness of who I am and what makes me tick, I have tried to find a balance of fitting in all the things that I love to do. To focus on the people, places, and things that bring me pure happiness. To shift my energy on important items, instead of trying to spread myself thin to satisfying all of the people, places, and things around me! Let's just say, although I have the awareness, it is a work in progress, everyday. This cramming everything into every second of my life is second nature to me. In order to break that life time pattern, I have to be AWARE of it all the time. I'll be honest, that is exhausting in it's self!! So I feel it is a double sided sword! ***Big Sigh***
Ok, I feel that I am rambling.
Let me try to re-focus here. The message that has been popping up in different ways is, "You can do anything, but not everything!" That does a good job of summarizing the different messages that have come across my path the last couple of weeks. I need to remember to breath in my gratitude and faith, while exhaling my fear and doubt of myself.
I worked hard this weekend, to take a few minutes out for myself to just relax. Not stress or focus on the "task list" that is a mile long. But to just exist and sit with myself. That is very difficult for me to sit still and not have my mind race a hundred miles an hour. To allow myself to meditate and pray. There was an hour or so that I accomplished this, the rest of the time was spending quality time with friends, family, and conquering one of the toughest mountain peaks in southern AZ, Picacho Peak!
Here a few photos from our hike:
Over time as I become more aware of my journey and what is going on within my life, I realize I have to work hard to pay attention to what messages my Higher Power has to offer me as I become ready for those messages. There are times when I continue to be bombarded with a specific message. Generally, I interpret that as something I should be really paying attention to OR I have not been paying close enough attention to hear the message, so my HP has to repeat it MULTIPLE times before, I pause, think to myself, "Hey, I keep seeing and hearing this same message.... I should probably pay attention and think about this." That has been me the last few weeks. I keep tossing new tasks and events onto my plate, without subtracting anything. I just keep adding. Typical behavior for me. It is something I have repeated over, and over, and over again for years. The competitive side of me comes out that is eager to "win" and prove those that doubt or criticize are wrong! But also the other side of my competitive side to prove to myself I can do it!! Also I convince myself that I am happiest when I am doing "ALL THE THINGS"!!! Since a little girl, I didn't feel like I was living life to the fullest unless I was cramming as many things, events, and thoughts into one day as I could! I know I inherited this trait from my dear Mother, who does the same thing. We run with this mentality for as long as we can, until we crash and burn. We stand up, whip ourselves off, and do it all over again. With that said, since I have brought more awareness of who I am and what makes me tick, I have tried to find a balance of fitting in all the things that I love to do. To focus on the people, places, and things that bring me pure happiness. To shift my energy on important items, instead of trying to spread myself thin to satisfying all of the people, places, and things around me! Let's just say, although I have the awareness, it is a work in progress, everyday. This cramming everything into every second of my life is second nature to me. In order to break that life time pattern, I have to be AWARE of it all the time. I'll be honest, that is exhausting in it's self!! So I feel it is a double sided sword! ***Big Sigh***
Ok, I feel that I am rambling.
Let me try to re-focus here. The message that has been popping up in different ways is, "You can do anything, but not everything!" That does a good job of summarizing the different messages that have come across my path the last couple of weeks. I need to remember to breath in my gratitude and faith, while exhaling my fear and doubt of myself.
I worked hard this weekend, to take a few minutes out for myself to just relax. Not stress or focus on the "task list" that is a mile long. But to just exist and sit with myself. That is very difficult for me to sit still and not have my mind race a hundred miles an hour. To allow myself to meditate and pray. There was an hour or so that I accomplished this, the rest of the time was spending quality time with friends, family, and conquering one of the toughest mountain peaks in southern AZ, Picacho Peak!
Here a few photos from our hike:
 |
| Cables to help steep trail |
 |
| View from half way up - Clouds looked like waves |
 |
| We conquered the Peak! |
 |
| Steep crevasse on the trail... terrifying part of the trail... also caused traffic jam |
 |
| Flowers blooming |
 |
| One of the views from the top |
Onto a another tanget... A dear friend, asked me a question the other day that really provoked some thought. The question was if today was my last day on this earth, did I do it right? My initial thought was yes, I have lived a blessed life and I did the best I could with the tools I have. Then, as usual there was a nagging thought, that no I didn't do it right. There are some thoughts that have been unspoken lately in my heart. I would regret not speaking those if it was my last day. I need to ask my questions and inquire to this friend, but I am paralyzed by fear. Terrified of rejection. Same shit different day. There are so many layers, upon layers of these toxic thoughts and behaviors that I practiced for so many years, I say a prayer that my HP will continue to give me courage and the strength to continue walking this journey forward. To help free my heart from these toxic behaviors that don't serve me well anymore.
Tears come to my eyes today, which tells me my heart is open. I am continuing to heal through the friendships and fellowship I work hard to build and nurture. I am sure I am not doing it perfectly, but I am giving my all; heart and soul to those that mean the world to me. I feel at a cross road in a few areas of my life. I have been at this intersection before; however, the view is very different this time around. The signs are different. The air is clearer. The beautiful clouds are puffy, white, and filled with beauty. While the sun shines bright. The invitation to take a leap of faith down any of the paths is there and inviting, I just have to step forward and try one. Where as in the past, this intersection was dark and toxic, with dark and dangerous storms rolling through, making the visibility almost zero. It was a terrifying place to sit. In fact, I usually went back the way I came and avoided that interection for years. Getting back to today and the different more sunny view of the intersection, I am grateful for my pause, I don't have to choose which road today. I am not quite ready. It is more inviting and I don't feel I need to retreat and turn my back. I am close and want to be willing. I will continue to do the best I can right now, with my willingness and connection with my HP, I will find the courage and strength to make a decision.
I know I have been vague in my share. But there are so many examples, I don't even know where to begin. Here are a few of the vehicles that sit at this intersection... relationships, business adventures, education, my life style, my home... to name a few. The beauty of this journey, I have been able to put aside much of the garbage I insisted on focusing on, so today I have time to focus on the productive and REAL growth. However, it is terrifying, but I know will be rewarding beyond my imagination.
I will pray for focus. "I can do anything, but not everything"
Tears come to my eyes today, which tells me my heart is open. I am continuing to heal through the friendships and fellowship I work hard to build and nurture. I am sure I am not doing it perfectly, but I am giving my all; heart and soul to those that mean the world to me. I feel at a cross road in a few areas of my life. I have been at this intersection before; however, the view is very different this time around. The signs are different. The air is clearer. The beautiful clouds are puffy, white, and filled with beauty. While the sun shines bright. The invitation to take a leap of faith down any of the paths is there and inviting, I just have to step forward and try one. Where as in the past, this intersection was dark and toxic, with dark and dangerous storms rolling through, making the visibility almost zero. It was a terrifying place to sit. In fact, I usually went back the way I came and avoided that interection for years. Getting back to today and the different more sunny view of the intersection, I am grateful for my pause, I don't have to choose which road today. I am not quite ready. It is more inviting and I don't feel I need to retreat and turn my back. I am close and want to be willing. I will continue to do the best I can right now, with my willingness and connection with my HP, I will find the courage and strength to make a decision.
I know I have been vague in my share. But there are so many examples, I don't even know where to begin. Here are a few of the vehicles that sit at this intersection... relationships, business adventures, education, my life style, my home... to name a few. The beauty of this journey, I have been able to put aside much of the garbage I insisted on focusing on, so today I have time to focus on the productive and REAL growth. However, it is terrifying, but I know will be rewarding beyond my imagination.
I will pray for focus. "I can do anything, but not everything"
