Love

“The heart that’s meant to love you will fight for you when you want to give up, pick you up when you’re feeling down, and will give their smile when it’s hard for you to find yours. They will never get strength from seeing you weak, power from seeing you hurt, or joy from seeing you cry. The heart that’s meant to love you wants to see the BEST YOU, not the hurt you!
Never forget this.” 
~Trent Shelton

I found this quote very powerful. For years I lived and was modeled by a relationship that love revolved around anger, putting each other down, soaked with blame and guilt, never taking an interest in the other person or their interests, and never truly helping elevate the other person to bigger and better things! How I fell into that horrid trap, will continue to baffle me. More will be revealed through the continued healing.

What I have learned through my own paradigm shift and little miracles along the way, is the power of having self-love, self-worth, and happiness bottled up within myself. I say bottled, because I have to store it on a little shelf sometimes when I am feeling down or not worthy. I can visually grab some compassion and love off of the shelf to help me get through a tough day or situation. Reminding myself, this too shall pass. Another factor I am learning to have on the shelf is silliness. Being able to laugh at myself and the crazy chaos around me that life seems to stir up. No matter how shitty it gets, I am learning to simply smile and laugh. This has been working a lot better than reacting with anger or playing the victim mode to things I have no control over. With all of these tools on my shelf, it helps me formulate a plan of action, that I do have control over.

I am excited, and almost giddy, to get to try a new relationship that allows me to see that other heart fight for me when I am absolutely ready to give up or make me laugh when I am having a rough day. To share a smile with me, that warms me from the inside out because I know it is genuine and wants to see me happy. That warmth puts an instant smile on my face and in my heart. That heart doesn't feel threaten by my accomplishments today or my  dreams of tomorrow! In fact that other heart, gives me a boost and enouragement to jump to the top of the mountain and yell at the top of my lungs my joy and excitement for my goals and dreams. I can feel that relationship wants me to be my best. I am learning the only reason that other heart can do all those amazing things for my heart, is because that heart has it's own self-love, self-worth, and happiness within it's self without needing anyone else, including me.

I am enjoying the journey and loving life to the fullest! Never take a moment of this life or a single breath for granted! We are not promised tomorrow, or even the next hour. Live life to the fullest. I am grateful beyond words to have found peace, serenity, and forgiveness today so I can see the beauty of this world around me.

Purging

This last week was filled to the brim with purging toxins, both emotional and physical! Life has a tendency to sneak up on me and the clutter on my desk, in my head, and in my body gets overwhelming and drags me down. Therefore, I have been taking action this month to clean up all of those areas. Naturally in Simply Me style, I have to do ALL at once and right now. With this consistent approach I try to take, it has a tendency to overwhelm me and knock me down a little. That's ok, I can handle it. I just have been working to balance all of my goals, while remembering to breath and be gentle with myself.

I started Monday, 6 days ago, another round of the Isagenix 30 day system to help me reach my final goal in both inches and weight loss!! I am super pumped and excited to see the results. I did sneak in a jump on the scale this morning, ssqqquuuueeezzzzeeee!!! I am beyond excited that I am seeing results already. I am headed in the right direction. To be honest, the last round of this I did back in September/October of last year, the first 6 days were the roughest and I felt like shit. With good reason, I had horrible toxins from the crappy food I was eating! I hung in there and day 7 I woke up a new person. It was amazing! This time around has not been as bad, because I have made the life change to eat and be healthier. However, I will continue to be honest, I have splurged more than maybe I should have on goodies. It was a lot of fun! However, this week I am hurting from all the fun and it has been a little rough. I am praying tomorrow is similar to my last round. Hoping my expectations don't get me down. We shall see what is revealed tomorrow.

As I shared in my blog earlier this week, it was sort of a milestone I wondered how I would handle. Milestones of all types have always appealed to me. It helps me set goals and track my progress. It also helps me remember certain events and things better to have those milestones. I handled this past milestone quite well I feel. Although, on the 15th late afternoon, I was feeling tired and was on my first "cleanse" day the Isagenix, so I know my body was more susceptible to my emotions running away with me. And that is exactly what they did, they sneaked up on me and BAM! it was like a truck hit me and the tears started flowing. I was so confused, as I was at work. Luckily I could shut my office door and give myself a minute. I am still sorting through those emotions that must of came up from a new layer of healing. The tears showed me that I am ready for more healing and letting myself grieve for what will never be. I have accepted and let go to the core of my heart and soul of my relationship with H. I am proud of that, but I also have to be honest that there is still sadness there and for heaven sake the first milestone after a whirl wind of a ending of a chapter. This week was also a milestone of exactly 6 months since I made the decision to change my life and let H go. That made me pause, and take a deep breath. I am proud of the courage, grace, and integrity I have displayed through this entire time. I am grateful for my Higher Power and my amazing fellowship of family and friends that have helped support me through this journey.

Finally, the other huge purging I have tackled this week was to clean out my email inbox. Well one of them at least. I have four different emails. Anyhow, one issue at a time. **smile** This email I have had for about 9 years or so? Well, needless to say I have a hard time deleting emails. I was feeling I needed to push myself outside my comfort zone and purge some old emails. For the most part, it was surprisingly easy, I haven't read these messages in years! However, there were moments when I would see certain threads from people, I did pause to read. This dug up some old feelings an old friend that I have not completely forgiven for past unacceptable behavior, in my opinion. I have done some footwork on reaching for the forgiveness and to heal my wounds, as they run deep. In fact, deeper than the wounds from H. Therefore, I knew it would take time to reach that level of forgiveness for myself and this friend. I am no where near done with that journey. However, I am glad those emails where still there towards the end of when we cut each other off from our lives. The tears I shed I know are part of me getting closer to that forgiveness and healing. That fills me with pride that I am moving in the right direction. Today I can pray for this old friend, and wish the best for her. I truly feel that. I still have to work through the layers of the past. In due time and in my HP's time, not mine. So I keep those email threads and will come across them again when I am ready.

So there you have it, purging of physical toxins, emotional toxins, and email toxins! Wow, what a week. It was tough and physically and mentally felt ill at moments. But I pulled through and survived, because I used my tools and reached out to my amazing fellowship to help grab me from falling off the cliff.

ALWAYS Be You.

Over the years, I have struggled with my self-esteem and being comfortable with who I am. As a child and then a teenager, I think I was trying to figure all of that out, as we all do. As I went into early adulthood and, I believe is the perfect opportunity, to really spread my wings to discover who I am and wanted to be. Instead, I jumped into the situation of being in love with an alcoholic. Not realizing that was what I was doing at the time. Also not realizing that I had also been affected by the effects of the family disease in my own family history! I quickly became a chameleon and lost myself completely. All odds were against me without any tools. So I jumped in feet first and trudged along in the mud for years. I realize and accept now, that was my journey and I don't regret a single moment. It wasn't easy, but it did make me stronger and helped me eventually get to the point where I was ready to know who I really was and wanted to be. I just took the extended route on my journey of self discovery.

As you have experienced with my sharing on this blog, I have made life altering changes in the last year or so, that has allowed me to take the power back. To nourish and build my self-esteem, my self-confidence, and to strengthen my self-image from within. By working through these struggles, it is helping me establish a stronger foundation so when the world around me shakes, I can weather the storm with more grace and confidence.

I came across a reading today that did not have an author, but would like to share, as it spoke to me and was a good reminder.

"Always be yourself. Never try to hide who you are. The only shame is to have shame. Always stand up for what you believe in. Always question what other people tell you. Never regret the past, it's a waste of time. There's a reason for everything. Every mistake, every moment of weakness, every terrible thing that has happened to you. Grow from it. The only way can ever get the respect of others is when you show them that you respect yourself and most importantly, do your thing and never apologize for being you." ~unknown

Apologizing. Wow, I apologized for everything and anything whether it was mine or not. It was more of a reaction, rather than a true apology. It really fell into the category of me wanting to please those around me. People Pleaser. Part of my own illness from the effects of the family disease of alcoholism. Today, I still have to work hard not to say, "I am sorry", for every little thing. Thankful for progress not perfection!

Grief

For the last week, I have been curious how I would feel today. Today has arrived, and I still am not sure how I feel. I suppose I do feel sad, but it doesn't overwhelm me. Today and tomorrow, yes, my ex-husband and I got married twice. It would have been our 10th wedding anniversary. I will focus on remembering the good memories of the past, but will work to also be gentle with myself and live in the moment today. I am grateful for the stages of grief, that have helped me over the years grieve for the marriage and relationship H and I would never have. My healing started years ago and I have allowed myself to grieve for this loss, that is like a death in some respect. I am proud of my tears, as they are a sign of my strength and willingness to work through these emotions and feelings. My tears have helped me heal and heal my wounds of pain. I am a stronger person today. H and I certainly tried our best with the tools we had, but it was not meant to be, no matter how hard we tried to fit a square peg into a round hole.

Although I am sad today and can remember the deep sad sorrows of my early stages of grief. Today, I am grateful and feel I am deep within the fourth stage (according to this list) of re-organizing and reintegration of my beautiful new life. Life is beautiful and filled with hope.

Going to keep it simple today.

Battle in my Head

I realized today, I typed the share below on January 1, 2015 and never published! Instead of deleting, I would like to share.


It was a great first day of the year! Today was my Mom's birthday. I am grateful our small family and few friends were able to get together for lunch and a movie. Mom seemed very happy with the quality time with her family. I love her dearly with all my heart. She is an amazing person, Mom, and friend.

Everyday I struggle with changing my thinking. I work diligently EVERYDAY to shift my thinking patterns and perspectives. I have been programmed for so many years to react to every little thing, or lack of responses from others, or read into every response or decision someone else makes. These activities by others would drive me straight to react emotionally and physically to the the worst scenario possible. There was no pause. If someone didn't answer the phone when I called, I instantly went into anger or upset mode with the shitty committee in full session. "Are they ignoring me?", "Are they ok?", "What did I do wrong?" Wow, those were dark, dark days I lived in. No wonder I felt insane. I am much better at quieting my mind and not having the internal battle today. However, I do have my moments of set back. Usually when I am tired. Which I am today. I have noticed the last few days I have been running through those "worst" case scenarios to "prepare" myself for the worst. Are you KIDDING ME!!! This is such old behavior for me. I have to nip this in the butt NOW! I don't want to poison anything in my life today, mostly I don't want to poison myself with these horrible thoughts and "scenario" walk through to help prepare me for the worst. That is just me trying to predict the future! I have seen miracle after miracle the power of my mind. What I think and envision will be revealed in time. The scenarios I have been envisioning and walking through the "script", I have to stop. Perhaps that will happen, but that is not for me to decide or predict. I need to come back to today, the present, and focus on me and my happiness and serenity. I have to go back and remember those shoes that are flung at me, some of them are going to hit me in the face. That's ok, I just have to get back up and dust myself off. I need to see everything that’s holding me back, every obstacle, every limitation as only temporary.

Rejection

It was a crazy busy week. I had a new employee start on my team, that we all adore and is doing a fantastic job so far. I assigned my senior employee, who has only been with us for about 8 months, to train the new employee. She is doing an amazing job! I am very proud of my team and filled with gratitude today.

On top of my new employee starting, it was non-stop all week with fires to put out and tasks that popped up. Then my evenings were filled with working out and networking with friends. I have added a few new endeavors onto my plate, in addition to my full time job. I am hopefully both will pay off in providing me with some new experience and some extra income to help pay down debut. We shall see what comes of both.

One evening this week, I had the opportunity to catch up with a dear friend. I love to look back at how people come into my life. Most interesting is examining the intricate weave of how they come to cross paths with me. Also, the time and energy that we both have put into our friendship over the years. An interesting fact about this friend, our ex-alcoholic husband's introduced us. She was struggling with her marriage and going through a difficult time, so I agreed to go to a meeting with her. I had no idea what it was about, but wanted to support a dear new friend that I could relate to what she was going through. I am forever grateful for this friend for helping me walk through the doors of Al-Anon. Both of our higher power's were at work that evening. Bringing us both to the rooms of Al-Anon and creating an instant friendship. At that meeting, I heard what I needed to hear, that I deserved to be happy, there is hope, and that I needed to be in these rooms. After that evening, my life was altered forever and started to change course immediately for the better. Although my change and growth was slow, it was progress. There was hope, acceptance, support, love, peace, and understanding in that first meeting, and every meeting after that, and I wanted more of all of that!!!

I love spending time with friends and sharing about life. There is so much power in sharing. Today I can have an open mind to different perspectives to a situation I might be in and not sure how to proceed. I realized in our sharing this week with my dear friend, that I still am hanging onto the fear of rejection. I am struggling with how to bring up a topic with another friend. I realized the struggle was drenched in old thinking and old layers of my past were seeping through, poisoning my healthy thinking and rational. I never really thought about rejection, but that truly ran deep in my marriage. The discovery of this part of my past brought tears to my heart and eyes, but that was a sign to me that I am ready to heal another layer of my past. I will pray about it and work on my footwork to explore this topic more in attempt to heal more of my soul from the wounds of my past. I will be proud of my scars, as it proves to me that I was stronger than what tried to hurt me.