Celebrate Everything

Today marks four years I embarked on my blogging adventure! It was, and still is, difficult to share my story openly and honestly. That level of vulnerability terrifies me to my bones! But I continue to work to overcome and conquer that unnecessary fear. Reading earlier posts, still brings tears to my eyes. But as I continue to walk, and share, this amazing journey, today I am celebrating everything and living life to the fullest! I'm proud of how far I have come and look forward to continuing to move forward. I work to surround myself with amazing and loving friends and family that accept me for who I am, and then still continue to love me. I'm truly blessed. I pray that maybe sharing my struggles and little successes will help give someone else the strength and courage to take back their own life, no matter what their own situation or details are.

I owe a huge thank you to all of you that follow my blog! Your love and support over the past few years has helped me build my courage and strength to take my life back into my own hands. I appreciate each and everyone of you! Thank you from the bottom of my heart! 

If I look for Love, I'll find Love.

Another beautiful year has zoomed by! However, I honestly can say this was a beautiful year for me where I worked hard to be in the moment and honestly enjoy the beauty around me. Also a year of taking life by the horns and really taking the power back. Crushing and dissolving my fears left and right. Also accepting and giving myself credit, although I had a lot of change in the last year and I have come a long ways in the last few years; My journey is just beginning!

The first day I walked into the rooms of Al-anon, was on this day, April 13th, six years ago. I will forever remember that date and that one hour I sat in a room filled with a diverse group of people that evening. My only purpose for going to the meeting was to support my dear new friend, who was struggling with an abusive alcoholic marriage and she was seeking answers. However, just after the first 10 or 15 minutes as the chairperson read the opening, I had tears rolling down my cheeks. I had no idea how broken spiritually and emotionally I was, as well as angry and encased in fear. I cried the entire hour and quickly realized, I needed to be in this room too! I also wanted to know what these amazing people had found. I couldn't put words to it, but you could feel the serenity, peace, and happiness from these people! And they were smiling!!? I wanted what they had. Since that pivotal point in my life, I have never looked back, I was ready to change. I am beyond thankful my Higher Power helped guide me to those rooms this specific day. Now don't get me wrong, I had days I questioned what I was getting myself into, of course. In those weak moments, I hung onto my hope and the support of my group to help carry me through those low and difficult times. The group, my sponsor(s), and my willingness to do the footwork in my program, helped me slowly build my confidence, my self-esteem, my self-love, my self-worth, and helped me find compassion and love for other people while detaching and not owning what was not mine, and many, many, many other beautiful blessings. It gave me a fresh new way to look at life. A fresh new way to look at myself and those around me. I'm still healing my deep wounds from the past, but as I have said before, today I know how to mend those wounds so they don't sit open and fester. Instead, if a wound is opened, I can take the time to tend and care for it so it can heal slowly.

This program taught me that I have choices; I can choose fear or I can choose love. More often than not in my past, I quickly choose fear, even after I had the awareness I didn't have to choose fear. It took time to realize in the moment of chaos, that I do have a choice. It takes practice. Today it is easier to accept and take action to choose love. However, I can easily jump on the old wagon of fear! Thankfully, today I know I can jump off that wagon anytime I wish. That is comforting and allows me to give myself some slack that sometimes my path is on that wagon of fear. Gives me an opportunity to learn something or heal another layer of pain through the experience.

"If I look for fear, I'll find fear. If I look for love, I'll find love. Which one do I choose to seek today?" Hope for Today

I am filled with gratitude today. Focusing on remembering to breath, take a deep breath, and look around me with a smile. I want to enjoy the moment! So that is what I am going to do.

You Can Do Anything But Not Everything

If I am completely honest with myself, life it truly amazing and I am beyond blessed today!! I continue to try hard to put myself in situations that are outside my comfort zone to help me grow, stretch, and expand myself while using the tools I am learning. I admit there are days I cringe with uncomfortable awkwardness in certain situations or even just the thought of putting myself in a situation. I am just grateful it is progress not perfection. I also try to hand it over to my HP to aid me in doing and saying the right thing.

Over time as I become more aware of my journey and what is going on within my life, I realize I have to work hard to pay attention to what messages my Higher Power has to offer me as I become ready for those messages. There are times when I continue to be bombarded with a specific message. Generally, I interpret that as something I should be really paying attention to OR I have not been paying close enough attention to hear the message, so my HP has to repeat it MULTIPLE times before, I pause, think to myself, "Hey, I keep seeing and hearing this same message.... I should probably pay attention and think about this." That has been me the last few weeks. I keep tossing new tasks and events onto my plate, without subtracting anything. I just keep adding. Typical behavior for me. It is something I have repeated over, and over, and over again for years. The competitive side of me comes out that is eager to "win" and prove those that doubt or criticize are wrong! But also the other side of my competitive side to prove to myself I can do it!! Also I convince myself that I am happiest when I am doing "ALL THE THINGS"!!! Since a little girl, I didn't feel like I was living life to the fullest unless I was cramming as many things, events, and thoughts into one day as I could! I know I inherited this trait from my dear Mother, who does the same thing. We run with this mentality for as long as we can, until we crash and burn. We stand up, whip ourselves off, and do it all over again. With that said, since I have brought more awareness of who I am and what makes me tick, I have tried to find a balance of fitting in all the things that I love to do. To focus on the people, places, and things that bring me pure happiness. To shift my energy on important items, instead of trying to spread myself thin to satisfying all of the people, places, and things around me! Let's just say, although I have the awareness, it is a work in progress, everyday. This cramming everything into every second of my life is second nature to me. In order to break that life time pattern, I have to be AWARE of it all the time. I'll be honest, that is exhausting in it's self!! So I feel it is a double sided sword! ***Big Sigh***

Ok, I feel that I am rambling.

Let me try to re-focus here.  The message that has been popping up in different ways is, "You can do anything, but not everything!" That does a good job of summarizing the different messages that have come across my path the last couple of weeks. I need to remember to breath in my gratitude and faith, while exhaling my fear and doubt of myself.

I worked hard this weekend, to take a few minutes out for myself to just relax. Not stress or focus on the "task list" that is a mile long. But to just exist and sit with myself. That is very difficult for me to sit still and not have my mind race a hundred miles an hour. To allow myself to meditate and pray. There was an hour or so that I accomplished this, the rest of the time was spending quality time with friends, family, and conquering one of the toughest mountain peaks in southern AZ, Picacho Peak!

Here a few photos from our hike:

Cables to help steep trail

View from half way up - Clouds looked like waves

We conquered the Peak!

Steep crevasse on the trail... terrifying part of the trail... also caused traffic jam

Flowers blooming

One of the views from the top

Onto a another tanget... A dear friend, asked me a question the other day that really provoked some thought. The question was if today was my last day on this earth, did I do it right? My initial thought was yes, I have lived a blessed life and I did the best I could with the tools I have. Then, as usual there was a nagging thought, that no I didn't do it right. There are some thoughts that have been unspoken lately in my heart. I would regret not speaking those if it was my last day. I need to ask my questions and inquire to this friend, but I am paralyzed by fear. Terrified of rejection. Same shit different day. There are so many layers, upon layers of these toxic thoughts and behaviors that I practiced for so many years, I say a prayer that my HP will continue to give me courage and the strength to continue walking this journey forward. To help free my heart from these toxic behaviors that don't serve me well anymore.

Tears come to my eyes today, which tells me my heart is open. I am continuing to heal through the friendships and fellowship I work hard to build and nurture. I am sure I am not doing it perfectly, but I am giving my all; heart and soul to those that mean the world to me. I feel at a cross road in a few areas of my life. I have been at this intersection before; however, the view is very different this time around. The signs are different. The air is clearer. The beautiful clouds are puffy, white, and filled with beauty. While the sun shines bright. The invitation to take a leap of faith down any of the paths is there and inviting, I just have to step forward and try one. Where as in the past, this intersection was dark and toxic, with dark and dangerous storms rolling through, making the visibility almost zero. It was a terrifying place to sit. In fact, I usually went back the way I came and avoided that interection for years.  Getting back to today and the different more sunny view of the intersection, I am grateful for my pause, I don't have to choose which road today. I am not quite ready. It is more inviting and I don't feel I need to retreat and turn my back. I am close and want to be willing. I will continue to do the best I can right now, with my willingness and connection with my HP, I will find the courage and strength to make a decision.

I know I have been vague in my share. But there are so many examples, I don't even know where to begin. Here are a few of the vehicles that sit at this intersection... relationships, business adventures, education, my life style, my home... to name a few. The beauty of this journey, I have been able to put aside much of the garbage I insisted on focusing on, so today I have time to focus on the productive and REAL growth. However, it is terrifying, but I know will be rewarding beyond my imagination.

I will pray for focus. "I can do anything, but not everything"

Ending 2014 in Pure Bliss!

I have been doing a lot of reflecting on 2014. Wow, what an epic year! I am very proud of the choices and actions I took to improve my outlook on life. Also the daily steps I took toward happiness, without turning back to the lagoon of anger, fear, guilt, and shame that tried to swallow and take me back. 

As I wrote out my list for 2014, I was blown away at what occurred in only 365 days.

I walked through several fires and was able to make a decision to not stop or hesitate. Or look back, I think that was a big step for me. A miracle to take the time to evaluate my options and then take a leap of faith! I am doing the best for me. The consequences of my leaping will be exactly what I need to live.

I am absolutely perplexed and awed by how every little thing added up over the year and my hard work allowed me to take the power back and start living my life to the fullest! Versus trying to live and fit into someone else's life. I know some people don't believe everything happens for a reason. However, I do believe. The ripple affect of my thoughts and actions affect the energy force around me. I have lived, learned, and experienced, in 2014, how to shift my daily perspective to more positive and open minded thoughts of myself and those around me. This has revealed miracles beyond my imagination.

Looking back years, such as 10 or 13 years ago, I think of some of the choices I made it makes me shutter! However, I pause to reflect some of those decisions and steps I took helped build the foundation of who I am today. Some of those decisions, whether I thought right or wrong, were planted in the dirt and today I am starting to see some of the plants sprouting that have been doormat for years. What a beautiful miracle.

I am grateful that certain things didn't work out the way I had once wanted them too. Letting go of the fantasy I desperately wanted to live and breath. The desire to live in a fantasy always poisoned my reality. It is ok for me to dream and strive for better and new things. I feel that is extremely different than striving for an unrealistic fantasy drenched with expectations.

When I share my story, I have found that my perspective has become quite positive and I work really hard to live in the moment; therefore, I forget a lot of the details of my life that helped me get to this point. I am beyond grateful for my journalling and blogging, to help remind me of my journey, step by step.

Blast to the past, I had to find the awareness to start healing from the inside before I could see the outside world, 2011 reflecting. Then in true fashion I always have to over do it before I find my balance. I explain in my reflection of 2012. Then I took the roller coaster into the next year, 2013.

I am looking forward to 2015 and all the wonderful things to come!! A few people have asked what I want 2015 to look like or what I want to accomplish. I have a few key items I want to focus on, but mainly I want to keep doing what I am doing today. Living in the moment and filling my time and thoughts with those that I love, make me laugh, fill me with happiness, and love me for me. Everything else that comes along will fall into place if I focus on those items in my relationships. Also, I am finding when I take care of my needs in those area, I can give back to those around me ten fold! I will also continue to remind myself to take a deep breath, and admire the world around me and relish is all of it's beauty.

Happy New Year! I hope each day is filled with joy, laughter, and happiness for you!

Taking Risks

It has been one of the best Thanksgiving holiday weekends I can remember! I am beyond grateful for my family and my true friends that have been by my side thru this journey, both near and miles away. Thank you for your support! I am and will forever be grateful. 

What hasn't changed, I had just about every minute planned with meeting up with family and/or friends! But what has changed is I did not feel stressed out about the hectic schedule, instead looked forward to each get together and did really well living in the moment while I was with each person. That is a lot of growth for me as I either was drowning in the past or living in the wreckage of the future! Looking back all those years, I missed out on the gifts right in front of me. I have promised myself I am taking that power back and will no longer waste my energy on the past or future, because I want to relish in the gifts and lessons my Higher Power shares with me today.

This weekend has demonstrated the power and importance of me making the choice to live in the moment and keep it simple, not only with my actions and words, but also with my self-talk can be a miracle. 

"Today I can risk being myself. I don't have to live up to anyone's image. All I have to do is be me." CtoC p334

Cured by Faith

"Al-Anon reminds me that I can only deal with one day at a time. This allows me to be more realistic about what I can do to improve my situation. It gets rid of the constant urgency." CtoC pg 315

This is so true in my life. The last few days I have had a few moments of anxiety overload and that sense of urgency, that was a driver of my life in the past, jumped into the driver seat. Thankfully I have the awareness and a connection with my HP, to realize that I am living in the wreckage of the future. Although the future is exciting and a breath of fresh air, it is a bit frightening to embark on this new path. So the miracle here is that I can take a deep breath, focus on being in the moment and ask myself what I can do right now.

"I can cope more effectively with difficult situations when I am realistic about my responsibilities. I have the tools I need to face today's challenges. I will trust my Higher Power with tomorrow." CtoC pg 315.

Opportunities

Today's reminder:

"Instead of assuming that I have failed because I am learning a difficult lesson once more, I might embrace the experience as part of a long-term healing process that requires repetition and practice. I can trust that eventually I will learn it so well that it will become an automatic, confident, and healthy response."
~CtoC page 292.

As I continue this journey forward, I am coming across a few things I need to work on in my personal life. When there is no one else to blame or hide behind, things tend to surface. Which is good, I need to pull those rotten things out of the dirt and cleanse the way! Breathing fresh air into old ways of thinking and old habits that are not working anymore. I actually look forward to these moments of discovering a moment of opportunity. Might seem a bit strange, but I have grown to love finding those little toxic pockets, so I can release the pain or anger or fear, or whatever is bottled up to let the light in and plant a new seed. It is so satisfying and rewarding to work through these one by one. Then when I look up, pause, and look around me, I realize the world is blooming around me with beauty, because of my hard work I get to see and experience that beauty that was always there around me. 

Someday is Today

Although a short week, it has been really busy! I have a long "to do" list I want to accomplish. I was feeling a little over whelmed with my long list, so I picked up my daily reader, Courage to Change to help put my mind in a better perspective. It was perfect, and I would like to share with you.

"Before coming to Al-Anon, I had built a lifetime of dreams and promises that were reserved for that one special day called, "Someday." Someday I'll begin --- or end -- that project. Someday I'll call that friend with whom I've lost touch. Someday I'll let them know how I feel. Someday I'll be happy. I'm going to take that trip, find that job, speak my mind. Someday. Just wait and see.

Wait -- just as I waited for the alcoholic to come in from a binge, and for inspiration to bring interesting friends and career opportunities to my doorstep, and for everybody else to change. But Al-Anon has helped me to see that today can be the Someday I've always wanted. There isn't enough time in these twenty-four hours to do everything I've ever hoped to do, but there is time to start making my dreams come true. By asking my Higher Power for guidance and by taking some small step in the direction of my choice, I will be able to accomplish more than I would ever have thought possible.

Today's Reminder
Today I will not wait for the blue moon, a rainy day, the 366th day of the year, or Someday to accomplish good things in my life.

'Each indecision brings its own delays and days are lost lamenting over lost days... What you can do or think can do, begin it. For boldness has Magic, Power, and Genius in it.' ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe"
It blows my mind all the time how powerful these readings can be and speak directly to me about what is going on right now in my life. I swear the text really starts out, Dear Simply Me!

This reading talks about taking small steps in the right direction, and I did that exact thing in the beginning. One baby step at a time, when I was ready. I am proud looking back, I always pushed myself to go outside my comfort zone to improve my character, to improve the choices I made, to improve the way I thought of the world around me and myself, to improve even when I failed. I could go on and on.

Today I have taken my life back. I am experiencing more often those days that are like a blue moon, one of a kind! I took steps today to start a game plan of making goals for myself. Both short term and long term. I get all giddy thinking about it!!  A little overwhelming, but have a good start to get some ideas on paper. Then I can start mapping out how I am going to financially make it all happen! I am excited about the future and looking forward to making my dreams a reality. Although it feels like I have taking large leaps in the last few months instead of baby steps, I still have days were I have to scale it back and just take a baby step. Also remembering to breath and do what I can.

I am accomplishing more than I ever thought was possible!

The Alphabet of Living in the Moment

I allowed the stress from this week get to me a bit. Thankfully I was able to recover quickly, and let go. I continue to strive to live in the moment of gratitude and keep it simple! A little trick I have been using lately is going through the alphabet and thinking of something positive or silly for each letter, to help me smile and ease the tension in my shoulders. I want that happiness to shine from within, but in order for that to happen I have to extinguish the negative and stressful thoughts that try to invade my every waking hour! 
So, let's sing our A, B, C's!

Appreciate yourself

Bounce on the bed

Create a blog

Dig in the garden

Explode a myth

Flabbergast a friend

Get up late

Help yourself to seconds

Imagine it and do it

Jump at the chance

Keep it simple

Leave your troubles behind

Meet someone new

Nourish your soul

Opt for ice cream

Play all day

Quench your desires

Revel at random 

Sing loudly, smile widely

Touch the sky

Uncork the champagne

Vamoose

Watch whatever you want

X-ercise your hear out!

Yearn for the best

Zip, zap, zing, and zone out

Handle with Care

It's a day of handing it over to my HP. Thought I would have the courage to move forward with a decision today, but it just doesn't feel right today. So I will hand it over and instead live in the moment while handling this day and moment with care. 

Positive Change Comes with Courage

Yesterday's read in Courage to Change reminded me of several of my friends that have dug deep and found the courage and ability to be honest with themselves to make choices that are changing their lives in big and wonderful ways! Several of my dear friends have accepted new opportunities in other states and have recently moved or are in the process of moving. Although I am selfishly sad to see them go, I am thrilled and ecstatic for this new adventure they are about to begin! I have also had the privilege to watch them blossom into amazing women that are aware and understand the action of self-care. I am so proud of these ladies! The interesting part, I just don't feel as though we are saying goodbye. Yes there will be many miles between us, but I feel so close to these ladies and with the technology today, the world is much smaller and we can stay in touch.

As always, the readings speak for themselves, so I would like to share from June 23rd reading.

"The courage to be honest with ourselves is one quality we can cultivate to help our spiritual growth. It takes a commitment to honesty to admit that someone we love has a drinking problem, that alcoholism and many other things are beyond our control, that there is a source of help greater than ourselves, and that we need the care of that Higher Power.

Honesty allows us to look at ourselves, to share our discoveries with God and others, to admit that we need spiritual help in moving forward, and to free ourselves by making amends for past wrongs.

We need to be truthful with ourselves as we continue to review our attitudes and actions each day. This allows us to be humble enough to reach out to others as equals, and to continue to grow in every area of our lives. Where do we find the courage to be so honest with ourselves? The courage to change the things we can is found in our continuously-developing relationship with a Power great than ourselves.

Today's Reminder
I know that honesty is an essential part of the Twelve Steps. I am willing to be more honest with myself today.  'Where is there dignity unless there is honesty?' ~Marcus Tullius Cicero"

This reading spoke to me personally as well. I recently looked back at a few past journals, as I read I could feel the pain and struggles like they were yesterday. There are still struggles and pain today, but I feel more grounded through the power of courage and honesty to myself and to everyone around me. The view is more clear, I don't know the answers, but I have a better understanding of who I am today, the path I have walked, and who I want to continue to be as a person. I feel that is pretty amazing spiritual growth. The other piece of growth I am proud of lately is my ability to allow myself choices. I am a very practical person, and never take a decision lightly.  In fact I have felt that this strength of mine has many times been my worst enemy and worst character defect, because I will take it the extreme of OVER analyzing the situation and never getting to the point of making a decision or taking action. However, through the courage and honesty of my recovery I have learned that working through my awareness and acceptance is a vital part, and there is no time frame for me to work through that portion. But there must be a point, when I am ready to take that action and move forward with a decision. No matter how small, mundane, or huge, life altering that decision is, it doesn't always have to be set in stone. It doesn't have to be black and white. But what I do have to do, is take action and not just twiddle my thumbs on the fence hoping something or someone else's decision will help me make my choice. Nope, I have to take that step with my own courage towards my own happiness. Taking that power back from the world brings a smile to my face and heart. I am truly loving life today and looking forward to making the best of it, right now in the moment! 

Loss for Words

Not all who wander are lost. I bought a backpack with this quote on it recently during my visit back to the Grand Canyon.  I love this quote, and the beauty of the Grand Canyon! I have really felt at a cross road in my personal and spiritual life. I have also felt at a loss for words when it comes to expressing myself lately, not only to others but to myself. So I have been struggling with perspective. Also struggling with inspiration to write. Which in its self is strange for me. So this quote and the support of my friends sharing their experience, strength, and hope, have helped me realize that I am exactly where I need to be today. Perhaps I need this period of wandering. I am not lost, I am exactly where I need to be. This is helping me prepare for whatever is to come next. I need to constantly remind myself to live in the moment and enjoy what and who is around me right now. Everything could change in an instant. I am truly grateful for the opportunity to walk this path, or wander if that is the method I must take today. 

We saw more than a dozen Elk

Love the Dramatic Filter :) 

Panoramic

Heaven on Earth

I recently got back from a trip of a life time! I have a bucket list started of things I want to do. Well more accurately, it's places I want to visit and explore! For the last 10 or so years I have wanted to go to Jamaica. In fact, that is where I wanted to go for our honeymoon. Well, needless to say that honeymoon never happened. However, years later I saved up some money and set my mind to it to plan a trip to the Caribbean. My sister and I took a 7 day cruise to the western Caribbean where we visited Cozumel, Grand Cayman, and Montego Bay, Jamaica. It was amazing from the moment we left to the moment we got back! We also had a taste of New Orleans were we ported out of, which we will need to go back since we didn't have enough time to explore! 

I loved the color of the water in the Caribbean, so clear and the variety of blues! It was breath taking! My recent under water camera purchase did an amazing job above and below water capture the scenery so I can continue to enjoy the view after the trip. Every always asks, "What was your favorite part of the trip?" I must say the horseback ride and swim in Jamaica was my favorite; however, there were so many wonderful aspects of the trip I could go on and on! We did make some wonderful friends on the ship and would love to plan another cruise or vacation with soon! We were all about the same age, loud, obnoxious, and inappropriate. HA! We were a perfect combination of personalities. Anyhow, I thought I would share some of the moments I captured on our trip with you. Enjoy!

Cozumel (Using a filter)

  

Cozumel (no filter)

Cozumel

Cozumel underwater

Cozumel port - from the ship leaving port

Cozumel 

There were several ships at port (using filter)

Cozumel (My sister and Me)

Grand Cayman

I love reflection photos... can you tell?

Coral in Grand Cayman

Grand Cayman

Grand Cayman

Jamaica

Jamaica

Jamaica (I am on the left and my sister on the right)

Swimming in the ocean I am third from the left

Jamaica (using a filter)

Jamaica off the aft of the ship (panoramic) 

Jamaica (looking off the aft) 

I'm ready to go back for more.... anyone want to go with me?!! I'm serious... :)

Peace in my Heart

Looking back at my last few posts, I recognize despite my effort to live for the moment and grasp my gratitude, my days have felt dark and heavy on my heart. I have shed many tears as I try to shed grief and pain. I have grown a little over the last few years in attempt to not absorb as much of other's negativity, shame, guilt, or any other feelings that are not mine; however, when that blanket of troublesome is heavy and constantly draped over my shoulders, it becomes difficult to rise above. It slowly seeps into my mind, heart, and then dreadfully into my soul. Today I can say with a deep sigh of relief, that blanket of dread is lifting slightly. Those around me that make the choice to suffer in their own abusive thoughts, have started to open their eyes slowly to other thoughts and actions to ease the tension. Watching that transformation, no matter how small or subtle, is a powerful act to watch and provides a feeling of gratitude with the burden lessening slightly.

After reading the CtoC reading today, I see notes from when I read this same page just last year. Interesting I can be in a similar place just a year ago and this same reading can help me find the peace in my heart today. I would like to share with you.

It's time I started being nicer to myself. The voices in my head that tell me I'm not good enough do not speak the truth; they merely reflect the damaged self-esteem that results from living with alcoholism. When I recognize that fact, I can tell them to be quiet! I will no longer listen!

Al-Anon recovery has given me gentler, loving thoughts. These remind me that I am lovable and I can learn to love myself. When I open my mind enough to hear that message, I can begin to hear all the other wonderful sounds of life, and the abusive thoughts vanish.

Today's Reminder
Treating myself with kindness and respect helps me to challenge my own self-criticism. Today I will pay particular attention to any voice that speaks lovingly.

'We need to learn to live, to focus on something good or useful to our lives and let the rest of the world go about its business.'

I am grateful today that my mind is open to hear this message. To hear that gentler inner voice that I am worth it. I deserve to treat myself with kindness, respect, and love. Let it begin with me. Let that peace seep into my heart, bringing a smile to my lips and followed with laughter accompanied with tears of relief, that help me to heal and share a little piece of recovery and peace with others. 

Reaching for My Tools

I took some risky actions this week, but my intentions were filled with love, compassion, and fear. The topic of the meeting I went to the day I took those risks was about miracles. My miracle that day was I had a choice, I had a voice and I exercised both to take action that no one else was willing to do. I also had tools to help with my fear. By no means did others like my decision and some were even angry with me, but I said my peace and I did the best I could do under the circumstances. Then I had to hear from others that support me that now I have to hand over the outcome to not only my higher power but over to the other person's higher power so they can make their own decision.

I read the following reading the day of my turmoil. It was exactly what I needed to hear at that time. Then followed by an amazing meeting. Miracles. 

"Fear is the energy that activates my character defects. Sometimes my shortcomings lie dormant like a bumper-car ride with the electricity turned off, and I don't even notice them. When I'm afraid, however, my fear acts like a charge that causes the cars (my defects) to start moving. I spend my mental and physical energy running in circles, trying not to get bumped or run over.

What triggers my fear in the first place? Trying to control things over which I have no power is always one reliable switch. How do I disengage it? Using the Serenity Prayer helps me calm down. I make a list, which one column titled 'can change' and another titled 'can't change'. Then I break the problem down into elements and put into the appropriate column. When I'm done, I ask my Higher Power to redirect my energy toward the elements I can change.

Leaving the present and worrying about the future is another trigger. When I feel like my mind is ahead of my body, it helps to refocus on my body, and my mind often follows. I remind myself to let go and let God handle the things in my 'can't change' column. I focus on what I'm doing at the present moment: I am washing my hair; I am cooking dinner; I am driving my car. I might feel silly, but I'm willing to do what I can to bring myself back to the present moment. Such action sets the tone for a more serene and grounded day.

Thought for the Day
My fear is a natural human emotion for which there are many triggers. Al-Anon tools help me sort out and turn off the source for each one of them.

'My fears about alcoholism can keep me thinking in circles. The program helps me break their hold on my mind.' Alateen a day at a time p. 144" ~ Hope for Today p. 228

It never gets easier to see someone you love deteriorate in front of your eyes. Fear is a natural human emotion as the Hope for Today reading shared. Fear and anger were main drivers in my life when I came into Al-Anon. Through my program I am learning what my triggers are that turn on both my fear and anger. Over the past few years, I still have both of those emotions, and that is ok. However, the triggers have changed and shifted. My fear prior to Al-Anon shaped and dictated my life.  I was dying inside, emotionally and spiritually empty. The energy I excreted to live other people's lives for them, was exhausting and futile. The illusion of control feed my fear. As I started the journey to find a connection with a higher power of my understanding, I slowly started to find faith in myself and in living my own life. Piece by piece I replaced the fear with faith through learning the truth of what I could and could not control. As I build courage, I realize there are times when it is important to make a stand and send the message that enough is enough. Forming those boundaries and communicating those boundaries with compassion. I called out and my message was heard across the land. Even though my message was heard, the one it was meant for may have heard it, but this individual has to be willing to take their own action. I will continue to pray a decision is made to head in the right direction for their safety.

Looking back as I worked through if I should take the risk with the decision I was going to make. I believe in a subconscious way I was making a list of things I "can change" and the things I "can't change". I truly believe everything will happen the way it was suppose to happen, as long as I stay out of the way and only do my part.

I'm grateful today that my energy is not expended on stuffing my feelings, focusing on distractions that avoid my feelings and pain, and not acknowledging the reality around me. These can all be difficult to not do and when I am tired fear can easily trigger those bumper cars (my defects) and I can fall back into those wasted energy voids. Although I had fear this week of the choices I made, I knew the choices I made were the right thing to do. My fear this week was different, it was fear and dread that I might say something I didn't mean. So it was crucial for me to live in the moment and speak my truth, but not say it in a mean way. 

living in the moment

"i beg you... to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. and the point is, to live everything. live the questions now. perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer..." ~rainer maria rilke

A dear friend mailed me a card with this message on it. I can easily get in my old patterns of trying to manipulate the answer or beat the question over the head until I feel I know the answer. Those are the moments I need to take a deep breath in and out slowly, wiggle my toes to remind myself I am right here, in this moment. Live and Let Live. Here is to focusing on living in the moment today. 

No Joke

This article crossed my path twice today from two completely random places! There is a Cloud Appreciation Society out there! I had no idea. Here are some fun facts about clouds to stay with the theme of clouds this week.

I found this fact interesting!

"The cloudiest place on earth is South Africa’s Prince Edward Islands in the Antarctic Indian Ocean. Parts of the islands see just 800 hours of sunshine all year. To put that in context, it’s much less than the 4,019 hours that Yuma, Arizona — otherwise known as the sunniest place on earth — experiences annually. [Wikipedia]"

Gavin Pretor-Pinney, the founder of the Cloud Appreciation Society talks about clouds. Talking about how clouds can help you slow down, a way to meditate. I enjoyed the video.

Monsoon was active last night! 

I love our monsoon sunsets!

"... we are creatures that inhabit this ocean of air. We don't live beneath the sky, we live within it!" ~Gavin Pretor-Pinney

Flash Back That Reflects Today

I heard this song again and it brought me back to a post I wrote towards the beginning of my blogger days, titled It'll Rain on a Sunny Day. I'd like to share with you again, as it is a good reminder for me to live for today and what is important right now. To remember to not project in the wreckage of the future or dwell in the grief of the past, but be in the present; the gift of life as it is today. 

"What's with the obsession of clouds?"

Someone recently asked me "What's with the obsession of clouds?"

So I've been thinking about that question. As long as I can remember I've been looking at the sky admiring the clouds. I enjoy the view and looking for shapes and objects that I can identify. I remember always being in the car as a kid as we traveled around the state; looking at the clouds was a pastime of mine. I loved them all, from the big white puffy clouds to the thin wispy clouds. I admire the artwork that nature shares with us. It's a living and breathing oil painting. Perhaps sense I grew up in the desert and clouds are a rarity, I came to have an appreciation for when they were around. In addition, I think I also associated clouds with rain, which meant fun and freedom as a kid. When I was in grade school, when it rained, it normally flooded our washes. Therefore, we normally had rain days and went home early from school, which was always a plus!

I'm grateful for the gift of life and that I can take the time to enjoy something as simple as the clouds as they glide by. Also, to have the ability to slow down, pause, and recognize nature's beauty as she shares it with me. Finally, I find it healing to focus on nature's beauty instead of things that are none of my business, placing me in the moment. Being in that moment helps me walk the path of serenity one day at a time. Those are the reasons I am obsessed with clouds.

Here are some additional photos I took while in Vancouver. A small collection of my "cloud" photos over my life time. **wink**

Downtown Vancouver - Canada Place

Million Dollar view from within the convention center

View of North Vancouver 

Stanley Park

A different view of North Vancouver

Lion Gate Bridge

Prospect Point Lookout in Stanley Park

Slow Down and Stop to Smell the..... Horses

I wanted to share the cartoon I came across today! H always tells me that horses stink. I beg to differ, I love the smell of horses. They are truly amazing animals that help me find sanity and serenity in my life.

Don't care for the smell of horses? Try a Hibiscus flower, they are also amazing.

I hope you are stopping to smell something that brings you joy and happiness today!