Can I Pause?

It is hard to believe this year is coming to an end quickly! I seem to always feel that way the week after my birthday and as the holidays creep up on me. Speaking of birthday weekends, I think this last weekend was one of the best birthdays I have had in a long time. I had a trip to Vegas with my Sister and her man. I love going on adventures with those two. On my birthday, this past Sunday, I got a text from an old friend from High School who had a photo from my 16th birthday. I did not have that specific photo. It brought a big smile to my lips. Remembering back, that was a good day with all my dear friends.  My parents put together a "car rodeo" for my birthday since all of my friends were a bit older than me and we all drove. There were different events set up on my parents 10 acres and there were prizes to be won! It was an all day event and I remember everyone having a great time! Down to the bonfire at the end. Fond memories.

It is the most amazing feeling to feel happy in the moment today. It is also amazing to remember back on fond memories that make me smile. My heart feels light and happy today. Truly a blessing and a miracle, due to my hard work, footwork, and investment in myself that I was willing to put into life.

My thoughts are a bit all over the map today, so sorry if I jump from topic to topic. I was cleaning out one of my bags and came across a journal from four or so years ago. I enjoy reading older entries I wrote, giving an incredible insight into that moment and where I was at in that point in time. Many of my entries bring tears to my eyes and heart. Sometimes I have to put it down and walk away. There is so much sadness in my words and it just seeps from the pages and my handwriting. It takes me right back to that day. That is painful, but something I know I need to do periodically to recognize and be proud of how far I have come. The combination of fear and anger literally paralyzed me for so long. I am grateful that I had, and have, Al-Anon to help work through each of those days and emotions to find myself again.

Today I am beyond grateful for my family and my dear friends that mean the world to me. I love technology that helps me stay closely in touch with those I care about, in a flash of an eye.

I have been living life to it's fullest lately and I am struggling with reining it in a bit financially. I have been a bit crazy with having fun. **sigh** I have dug myself into a hole before, and you know what, I will dig myself out again. I will be ok. I just need to set my awesome discipline skills in some different areas of my life that I have been to lax. I don't want to let myself down or anyone else with bad choices. Although, I will be gentle with myself if I make a decision that is possibly less desirable.  You know why? Because it was my decision and I will live with the consequences and make better decisions from there. Trial and error.

On to another topic, I came across my step 9 letter to myself. Wow. I still have tears in my eyes. I needed to read that today. Here is a little bit to share that I wrote a couple years ago. "Be willing to make amends and take courageous steps to live those amends. It is true you treated yourself horribly by finding ways to beat yourself down or finding an excue to not take that leap of faith. This self-crippling was paralyzing; however, you have the awareness today to take that power back; to know you are worth the risks; you are worth whatever the outcome is."

Growth is so beautiful. It can be painful when going through it, but looking back it brings happy tears to my eyes and was worth the struggles. My heart swells with gratitude today. Almost don't have words to how happy and grateful I am right now. 

Things have been so amazing in so many areas of my life, I sometimes want to pause and bottle these amazing feelings. I realize that is the "old" me thinking, waiting for the shoe to drop. The funny thing is, I have the awareness today to realize I don't have to live my life with that thinking anymore. Life is going to happen. Disappointments are going to come my way. Results of choices I made may not be what I wanted or expected. The beauty of today, I can let go of that crazy thinking, the shoe is going to drop, because it probably will, that I don't have control over. What I do have control over is how I react to each of those shoes being tossed at me. Which today I am feeling more confident in my self-esteem to take on each of those challenges head on and conquer each one in my own little way. Living in the moment and making the best of each moment. Life is amazing today.

Someday is Today

Although a short week, it has been really busy! I have a long "to do" list I want to accomplish. I was feeling a little over whelmed with my long list, so I picked up my daily reader, Courage to Change to help put my mind in a better perspective. It was perfect, and I would like to share with you.

"Before coming to Al-Anon, I had built a lifetime of dreams and promises that were reserved for that one special day called, "Someday." Someday I'll begin --- or end -- that project. Someday I'll call that friend with whom I've lost touch. Someday I'll let them know how I feel. Someday I'll be happy. I'm going to take that trip, find that job, speak my mind. Someday. Just wait and see.

Wait -- just as I waited for the alcoholic to come in from a binge, and for inspiration to bring interesting friends and career opportunities to my doorstep, and for everybody else to change. But Al-Anon has helped me to see that today can be the Someday I've always wanted. There isn't enough time in these twenty-four hours to do everything I've ever hoped to do, but there is time to start making my dreams come true. By asking my Higher Power for guidance and by taking some small step in the direction of my choice, I will be able to accomplish more than I would ever have thought possible.

Today's Reminder
Today I will not wait for the blue moon, a rainy day, the 366th day of the year, or Someday to accomplish good things in my life.

'Each indecision brings its own delays and days are lost lamenting over lost days... What you can do or think can do, begin it. For boldness has Magic, Power, and Genius in it.' ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe"
It blows my mind all the time how powerful these readings can be and speak directly to me about what is going on right now in my life. I swear the text really starts out, Dear Simply Me!

This reading talks about taking small steps in the right direction, and I did that exact thing in the beginning. One baby step at a time, when I was ready. I am proud looking back, I always pushed myself to go outside my comfort zone to improve my character, to improve the choices I made, to improve the way I thought of the world around me and myself, to improve even when I failed. I could go on and on.

Today I have taken my life back. I am experiencing more often those days that are like a blue moon, one of a kind! I took steps today to start a game plan of making goals for myself. Both short term and long term. I get all giddy thinking about it!!  A little overwhelming, but have a good start to get some ideas on paper. Then I can start mapping out how I am going to financially make it all happen! I am excited about the future and looking forward to making my dreams a reality. Although it feels like I have taking large leaps in the last few months instead of baby steps, I still have days were I have to scale it back and just take a baby step. Also remembering to breath and do what I can.

I am accomplishing more than I ever thought was possible!

Positive Change Comes with Courage

Yesterday's read in Courage to Change reminded me of several of my friends that have dug deep and found the courage and ability to be honest with themselves to make choices that are changing their lives in big and wonderful ways! Several of my dear friends have accepted new opportunities in other states and have recently moved or are in the process of moving. Although I am selfishly sad to see them go, I am thrilled and ecstatic for this new adventure they are about to begin! I have also had the privilege to watch them blossom into amazing women that are aware and understand the action of self-care. I am so proud of these ladies! The interesting part, I just don't feel as though we are saying goodbye. Yes there will be many miles between us, but I feel so close to these ladies and with the technology today, the world is much smaller and we can stay in touch.

As always, the readings speak for themselves, so I would like to share from June 23rd reading.

"The courage to be honest with ourselves is one quality we can cultivate to help our spiritual growth. It takes a commitment to honesty to admit that someone we love has a drinking problem, that alcoholism and many other things are beyond our control, that there is a source of help greater than ourselves, and that we need the care of that Higher Power.

Honesty allows us to look at ourselves, to share our discoveries with God and others, to admit that we need spiritual help in moving forward, and to free ourselves by making amends for past wrongs.

We need to be truthful with ourselves as we continue to review our attitudes and actions each day. This allows us to be humble enough to reach out to others as equals, and to continue to grow in every area of our lives. Where do we find the courage to be so honest with ourselves? The courage to change the things we can is found in our continuously-developing relationship with a Power great than ourselves.

Today's Reminder
I know that honesty is an essential part of the Twelve Steps. I am willing to be more honest with myself today.  'Where is there dignity unless there is honesty?' ~Marcus Tullius Cicero"

This reading spoke to me personally as well. I recently looked back at a few past journals, as I read I could feel the pain and struggles like they were yesterday. There are still struggles and pain today, but I feel more grounded through the power of courage and honesty to myself and to everyone around me. The view is more clear, I don't know the answers, but I have a better understanding of who I am today, the path I have walked, and who I want to continue to be as a person. I feel that is pretty amazing spiritual growth. The other piece of growth I am proud of lately is my ability to allow myself choices. I am a very practical person, and never take a decision lightly.  In fact I have felt that this strength of mine has many times been my worst enemy and worst character defect, because I will take it the extreme of OVER analyzing the situation and never getting to the point of making a decision or taking action. However, through the courage and honesty of my recovery I have learned that working through my awareness and acceptance is a vital part, and there is no time frame for me to work through that portion. But there must be a point, when I am ready to take that action and move forward with a decision. No matter how small, mundane, or huge, life altering that decision is, it doesn't always have to be set in stone. It doesn't have to be black and white. But what I do have to do, is take action and not just twiddle my thumbs on the fence hoping something or someone else's decision will help me make my choice. Nope, I have to take that step with my own courage towards my own happiness. Taking that power back from the world brings a smile to my face and heart. I am truly loving life today and looking forward to making the best of it, right now in the moment! 

Acceptance of the Dents and Cracks...

I came across this share today online. Honestly, it brought tears to my eyes. I feel like we are all a little broken in one form or another. Bleeding and forming scars as we go along. As we mend, I feel it all just depends on how my perspective and view of those scars continues after the hurt. How do I handle it? The broken part, the difficult haunting past, the pain, and guilt, that all can be managed and put into perspective. It just depends if I let all that run my life today. Same goes for those that I love. Are they letting all those crutches hinder their love to live life today? Perhaps, I know I was letting it weight me down. But not anymore, I am freeing myself of that weight on my shoulders, heart, and soul. Letting it go.  I will continue to love others that are broken. Why? Because I know that pain, and can have compassion. However, will I wallow right there next to them? Well, that answer is changing. There are boundaries now, for myself and for them. I am finding the respect to respect my own boundaries I set for myself and my limitations of what I will accept in other's behaviors. What a relief to live and respect those boundaries. Also to be able to communicate those boundaries to others in a kind and loving way. Powerful miracles. So yes, I will continue to survive and love those that are broken, because I will also be scarred by my past, but those wounds will heal and possibly open to bleed again, but I know how to care for those wounds so they don't get infected and take my life away again. I can only pray those I love will choose a similar path, but that's not for me to decide and I will not deter from my path of recovery. 

Pesky Pests

Part of gardening is dealing with the pesky pests that destroy my plants. They are just doing what they were born to do, but it puts a damper on my garden and they can go somewhere else to eat their fill. I have been researching organic DIY pest control formulas for my plants. I am not 100% sure who the pests are, but have a few ideas. Possibly could be vine weevils. They are nocturnal apparently, and the last few nights I have been so exhausted, I keep forgetting to out and look! In the meantime, I believe I found an organic remedy that is an "all purpose" since I am not completely sure what is enjoying my plants. 

Here are some photos of the damage. If you have any suggestions, please let me now!

Yesterday evening I went to my first Long Timer Meeting. As always, it was amazing. I saw a lot of friends I have not seen since May. Warms my heart and soul to get a big hug from a dear friend. It was a gentle reminder to myself how much my service work has really opened my opportunity for growth and connecting with others in the fellowship. I am at a cross road trying to determine what my next service position will be. Since I have been in limbo for the last five months, I have put energy back into my home group with service. However, last night a dear friend asked if I would be interested in a new position that is open. I will pray about it and get back to her.

The speakers last night were very inspirational and I took away exactly what I needed to hear. I am struggling right now with several things. One, I am caring to much what others think. Secondly, I have not been feeling graceful in what I say to others and myself. With a sprinkle of low self-esteem and toss in some stinking thinking, you have a formula for disaster! The tug a war in my head is exhausting. Little by little I am working with my HP, my sponsor, and taking it one day at a time. There is one conversation that is haunting me. I have been praying about it and talking through what was my part and what was the other persons. I have some more work to do. One nugget of hope I heard last night was a question one of the speakers asked herself. "How are you going to make it right?" I really liked that and could apply it to my current situation. Instead of churning over the justifications of why I said what I said, I need to shift my focus on making it right between me and the other person. At least finding a spiritual solution that will bring me back to peace and serenity in my mind and heart. The journey continues with these pesky pests in  my head and garden! 

Inspiration

One of the advantages of exploring in life is I find inspiration! Through thick and thin, if I keep my eyes open I will see an opportunity to learn and grow. I'm not always successful in keeping my eyes and heart open. But that is ok, it just means to me that I wasn't ready yet and I need to allow myself that flexibility. If it was something I really needed to learn, then my H.P. will provide that opportunity again. In the meantime, I need to make sure I'm doing my own footwork, so I can be prepared and ready next time that opportunity comes around. After reading Syd's blog this week, I've found a new found inspiration in my writing through one of the questions on his blog. The individual inquired about not finding blogs to read where the person is married to an alcoholic. I can relate to that sense of urgency to find others to relate to in order to extinguish that feeling of loneliness and sense that I'm not alone in this journey. I started my blog as an outlet to express my new way of living through using the Al-Anon program. A way to express my recovery in an honest way and putting it out there to the world completely! That was a tough step for me to take, but I've been working on it now one day at a time since last August. Some days are easier than others to share; however, I keep working at it because it helps my own recovery to have this form of healing; in addition to going to meetings, having a sponsor, doing service work, reading the literature, and sponsoring others. I need all of that to help me rise above my own disease and not to be entrapped by the family disease of alcoholism.

I feel my new challenge is to try to share more about my day to day things and how I've worked through the struggles and positive aspects of being married to an alcoholic. While finding my comfort level of what and how much to share. This will be a challenge, so please bear with me.

As I walk this journey, I work really hard to adhere to all the Al-Anon traditions and concepts. I want my program to be based on attraction rather than promotion, with a personal touch. Please understand that I don't represent Al-Anon in anyway. I simply work the program to find a better way to live one day at a time and by taking responsibility to keep the focus on myself. By sharing my story and perspectives I hope it will help someone and encourage them to walk their own journey of recovery.

"Example is not the main thing in influencing others. It is the only thing." Albert Schweitzer

This hot air balloon was just over our house this morning when I was out watering the garden.