Just for Today

September 30^th daily reading from CtoC, I'd like to share.

“Just for today I can try out new behavior. I can take the point of view that perhaps I have been giving a life time to learn something about myself. Maybe life is a series of experiments in which some succeed and some fail – and in which the failures, as well as the successes, point the way to fresh experiments.

Just for today might try slightly changing some pattern of behavior that repeatedly causes me problems, just to see what happens. For example, if I have a habit of responding with a negative attitude to a particular person or situation – getting out of bed, working, requests for help, authority figures – I can try a different more positive response. I can think of it as research and learn from whatever happens.

This day is all I have to work with. The past is over, and tomorrow is out of my reach. I will try to remember what a great fit this day can be and make full use of it.

Today’s Reminder:

Just for today I will look for ways to enjoy life; stop by a garden, try a new hobby, or call a good friend. I can look for humor. I can savor love. I can explore something new. Maybe just for today, I’ll try standing on my head to see if I like the view.

'Just for today I will find a little time to relax and to realize what life is and can be; time to think about God and get a better perspective on myself.'  ~Alcoholism, the family disease”

I never want to forget where I have been or what I have been through. I don’t want to re-live ANY of it, but I don’t want to forget. The daily reading today really made me think back in the past when I had the disease in my face 24 hours a day for 17 years. I had an extremely negative attitude, not only verbally to those around me but in my head. My self-talk was horribly unacceptable and cruel. It was a dark way to live my life. At the time I didn’t realize I was so angry, sad, frustrated, fearful, hurt, and lonely. The light within me was just a flicker threatening to go out. Thankfully, despite the chaos I choose to live in but didn’t have the tools to leave, I did, however, have enough support and love from my family and a few friends that stuck by my side through those dark times. With that hope and love I received, even though I didn’t know how to accept it, it helped keep the light within me lit just enough so when I was ready to shift my perspective to more positive, just for that day or moment, I could.

The power of the mind and living in the moment, just for today, is truly amazing. I’m beyond grateful for the simple, but powerful program of Al-Anon that helped me see the beauty around me and be able to find the joy in life. Today, I not only stop by a garden, but love to grow a garden. I love to call and connect with my friends that mean the world to me. I have learned to love to laugh, in ALL situations. The joy laughter brings to my heart, actually brings happy tears to my eyes. Laughter is addictive to me, and I’m ok with that. Savoring love, has always been a passion of mine. Today, I’m learning a new level of savoring love. The butterflies in my stomach have gone crazy! My drive is driven by exploring new adventures, perspectives, and living life to the fullest ever second of this beautiful life. When I finally learned and realized I was wasting my life worrying about things that were out of my control or being fearful of the unknown, from that moment, I promised myself I would never waste another second!! I’m not perfect by any means, far from it actually, and have my moments that these old habits sneak in, but as soon as I realize what is going on (depends on how tired I am **wink**), I quickly try to find acceptance I’m human and not perfect, and then take action to get back on track in a positive direction.

If I focus on my struggles and my enemies, I will surely be defeated by them.

If I focus on my strengths and my loved ones, I will move mountains.

Trust...

Wow, what a week. I don't even know where to begin.

I guess I'll start with that I discovered I must be at a new layer of healing. The topic of the meeting yesterday was trust. I sobbed the entire hour of the meeting. Interesting enough, I was sitting in the same spot and same chair I did the night I walked into those rooms. The tears just rolled down my cheeks. I haven't done that in a long time... It was very healing and I'm grateful to be smiling and laughing by the end of the meeting. I knew it had been a stressful week and I was stuffing it so I didn't have to deal with it at that moment. Plus I missed the meeting last week. So it was three strikes for me with those two already under my belt and then the topic of trust along with all the powerful shares. Wow. I hit my knees pretty quickly.

I kind of remember touching on trust in my step 4 work, but it was just scratching the surface. I think I might be ready to lift the lid and peak inside to see what this next phase of healing has in store for me. **deep breath**

I have always been overly trusting of others. I believed people when they said something or said they would do something. Why wouldn't someone be honest and truthful? I also trusted others with my feelings, my heart, my happiness, my [blank]. Whatever you wanted to insert, I gave that power to someone else. Very freely and easily. I had (have) a lot to learn. No wonder I found myself down a sad, angry, fearful and lonely road when I finally learned how to open my eyes! Nobody can help me with those things, I had to take ownership. Pick myself up, dust off my clothes, stand up straight, and take a deep breath. Then start taking one step in front of the other to find myself and my serenity. Also to realize I need to bloom where I was planted. Although when that awareness surfaced, I didn't like where I was at in my life. But I accepted it was what I had at the time. While also continue to better myself, so I could keep moving down that road to see what life had to offer. Anyhow, I'm off track.

I'm still very trusting. I feel that is one of my strengths. I can see the positive and potential in others, when maybe they can't see it in themselves. Perhaps that's why my marriage lasted so long... But today I can provide others the opportunity to be truthful and authentic with me. However, I don't just hand over my serenity, happiness, and heart to anyone anymore. I can be open, kind, and loving with others, but also have healthy boundaries. I silently say a prayer I can find that same compassion and openness when I start to date again. Being authentic and vulnerable is terrifying, but I know it's the only way.

Someone I know, shared a short article recently and this person shares a lot of relationship type articles. I enjoy them. But it is odd to read what this person shares, but also hear the stories of how this person really treats others in relationships. Let's just say the messages are conflicting. I guess you never really know who people are and should never judge by what others say about someone. Anyhow, I digress again. So this article was simple, but spoke to me. I have given myself another month before I try to start dabbling in the dating scene. Why a month? Well, I'm suppose to be studying right now for my exam that is exactly one month from today!!! EEK! Basically, I'm learning a new language. So I'm struggling a little. However, with that said, I have amazing support from my Mom, who is my study drill Sargent and helping me stay on track. Otherwise, I'll find something else to do and procrastinate until it's to late. **sigh** I know I'm not being a very good student. SEE that is a perfect example of my brain being ALL over the place! It makes me laugh thinking I must look like that dog on the UP movie, "SQUIRREL!"

Back to this article. Here is a quote from it, "We experience a lack of communication, attention, passion, intimacy and even lack of love. Why are we okay with this and all the communication shortcuts that have become so common?  This type of cheating causes much more damage then that of any sexual affair. You've given your heart to someone and love him or her with every bone in your body, but you have to beg for his or her attention."

That hit pretty close to home. It was very similar to the topic last night as well. Thinking back I can remember conversations with H and him asking, "What? you don't trust me?" That was difficult, because part of me absolutely did NOT trust him, but then another part trusted my life with him. I can remember standing there so confused on the inside and not knowing what to say. That confusion and mixed signals from myself, was the theme of our entire relationship. I felt trapped in the middle. Interesting, I've never described or thought of it like that before.  But so true. Makes one stop and say, "Uh? That doesn't make any sense." Exactly. So as I think back on situations and things that occurred. I am realizing more and more that dis-trust runs deep in my heart and soul. That brings tears to my eyes. I don't want to feel that way. So it is time to put the hard work in and do my footwork to release more of that pain and old thoughts and potential behaviors that could surface if I don't address.  I owe it to myself to heal those deep wounds, so I can be completely available when the right person shows up in my life. I want to be ready!

The article ends with, "Make an effort. Old-fashioned love needs to make another round. The days of holding hands, opening the car door, taking her out "just because", sending her flowers just to get a smile and leaving her notes on her car should never be gone.  We have to be children when it comes to love. We have to be vulnerable and free. That can't happen when we're preoccupied with the details of everyone else's lives.  Focus on each other. When it's all said and done, that's all you really have. Appreciate her, and show her how much she means to you. But, most importantly, put your phone down, and dial into what 's in front of you."

Attention, passion, intimacy.... I need that in my life. I crave ALL varieties (meaning emotionally, spiritually, and physically) of each of those down to my bones and through my veins. The "old fashion" love and actions above make me giddy just thinking about experiencing those. Not many people know that about me, because I have suppressed it for years because it was never well received by those I choose to have in my life. In fact, I'm still learning a lot about myself, because I never gave myself the chance to explore those types of things. I tended to be drawn to others that were not emotionally, spiritually, or physically available. That is sad and heart breaking I wasn't able to be me. Or more honestly I chose not to be me to appease other people or not rock the boat. So I say a little prayer in this next chapter of my life, I will allow myself to be my own character and shine the way I was meant to shine.

Something else I noticed about coming to these new realizations this week. When I come to these new layers of the artichoke, I usually am in a stressful situation and my confidence is wavering. There were a couple small non significant situations that happened this week and they weren't even negative situations!! But with my confidence and self-worth lower than usual this week, a handful of my old behaviors popped up. It was the most bizarre feeling to go through those moments, almost like going in the past, of worrying about what others were going to think and the end result had to be perfect so I minimized the chance of being judged! Wow, really? I still have my moments of illusion I think I have any control over other people. Pure insanity. I have to keep working to minimize that broken record in my head from playing, but someone tripped and cranked the volume up to the point I couldn't NOT listen to it! Thank goodness for my meetings, I am feeling better today and got the volume turned down so I can get back on a positive track.

Keeping it simple today. This to shall pass. Trusting the possibility of growth. 

Doing the Right Thing

Doing the right thing, is not always easy, but is always the way to go.

This week has been stacked with decisions I have had to make that I didn't necessarily want to make, but knew it was the right thing to do. In the past I never took into consideration what I wanted or what was important to me. I never weighted my options. Instead I instantly reacted and went on the defensive. I'm grateful to have the option to let others know I need to think about it and I will get back to you. Then weight the pros and cons of the decision. I'll be honest there are times I want to be completely selfish and swing the decision in my favor. Who wouldn't?! But that is not always the right decision.

One of the decision this week was discussing time off during the holidays. I like to get this squared away early so we can start planning and making sure everyone is trained. Now I know a lot can change between now and December, but there are some people that need to make flights and other arrangements, etc. Plus talking about PTO (personal time off) is one of my favorite topics! Traveling big or small trips instantly makes me smile and giddy! So the requests come flying in, per my request. It came down to giving my team the time off or me. I covered for my entire team last Christmas so everyone could have the time off. We were even down a team member at that time. With everyone's situation, it was the right thing to do and I could do it. I was hoping to take an extended time off this year, since I worked last year. However, after reviewing the requests I received and looking at the bigger picture, including my trips and time I had scheduled other parts of the year. It was the right thing to do to give my team the time off. They work hard and deserve the extended break. They each mean a lot to me and I appreciate the hard work they put into everyday. So there you have it, sacrifices of being a supervisor. Although I am a little bummed about working the holiday again, I feel awesome knowing I did the right thing for my team.

The second decision this week was a lot easier to make. I received a request for another chance from H to prove he wanted me. It still tugs at my heart strings. The dangling carrot was a tool H used for years, either subconsciously or not, I don't know, but H was the master at manipulating me. Today, I see right through it. I responded with a kind and honest, but firm and packed with boundaries response that was clear. To be fair and to believe the message I received, I will pray for H and hope he is truly on the path he says he is on. However, I reinforced, I will never be a part of the path, ever again. I don't want to and never will. Looking back at this past year, and seeing and feeling the happiness, serenity, forgiveness, and simple pure joy of life!!! I don't believe I have ever felt this much gratitude all the way to my bones and flowing through my veins everyday!! I trapped myself in a toxic situation for far to long that wasn't helping either of us. I'm grateful for the courage to break that mold and start a healthier cycle of life. For both of us. Separately. I just have to take a deep breath and hand him over to his higher power, who I know will help him walk the path he is suppose to walk. Then I can let go, completely detach. Then I can focus on my well being, make that connection with my own higher power. Then smile, because I know I am finally doing my footwork, keeping my side of the street clean, doing things for the right reasons for the right people, including myself. Life is good. I know I'm not perfect and stumble and trip over my words often, but I am trying my hardest to be the best me I can be. That's all I ask of myself.

Be kind to yourself. Always do the right thing, whether others are watching or not. You will be more fulfilled and filled with gratitude at the end of each day. One day at a time. 

Jab, Cross, Duck!

I feel like I’m standing on the ledge of a cliff right now. I’m smiling, but inside I am feeling the pressure of all the balls I have in the air right now. I use to think I thrived on the thrill of having so much going on!! I have learned that I wasn’t thriving, I was surviving. I was avoiding any and everything hurtful or difficult in my life. I was lashing out and ducking when I could! Old habits are hard to change. Not impossible, but difficult to break that cycle. I’ve also learned that there are many, many cycles and repeat habits I practiced over, and over, and over for YEARS! Many of those cycles and habits were not positive or kind to myself or those around me.

My drive to work averages from 30 to 45 minutes one way, which gives me time to listen to music or think and contemplate the day and my thoughts. The other day I realized it is so easy to get caught in the wind storm of negativity all around us in this world. I sort of stopped watching the news last year, but only here and there to catch the traffic and weather, but when I do watch or read the news it is so riddled with corrupt, violence, and acts done by humans that are unimaginable! I didn’t realize how subconsciously that toxic and poisonous negativity can start to seep into one’s soul, without one even realizing!

I find I am tired and on the verge of being over whelmed when I get caught in that dark storm. My awareness of me entering that storm is much better now days then in the past. But sometimes the dark clouds are overhead before I truly notice and can take action to pull myself out the storm before it sucks me in completely. I have had a few days I just have no motivation or willingness to do anything. Or think positive. The thought of all the items I have put on my plate, becomes overwhelming and paralyzes me. Or I allow it to paralyze me. Similar to what I allowed fear to do to me for so many years. See old habits are tough to crack; I went from one paralyzer to another! On those days, I usually want to pull cloak over my head and hide from the world.

Those days were and can be dark, dark times, and feel like I am in quicksand and sticky mud that continue to pull me down and sink me deeper into that darkness. That's a tough place to be. I lived in that world for a lot of years. 

For me, I had to put a lot of footwork in to drag, scratch, pull, tears, and scream myself out of that muck. Although the storms never go away, they roll in and out of my life constantly. I do have a choice to let the storm get me down, or I can learn to dance in the storm. No matter how dark the situation is or how dark my thoughts are, I do have a choice of how I react and decide to live and how I want to feel in that moment. It is an act of taking the power back!! Taking a moment to put a smile on my face and the more I do that, the more my heart starts smile. I'm on a continuous journey of finding happiness, joy and peace in every moment of my life. How do I do that, I grip onto willingness, my faith, and I work to believe and see the beauty and positivity in the people places and things around me. I know sounds silly, but it really can be that simple. I didn’t believe it at first, but I try to take a deep breath, believe, and open my eyes and heart to see the world in a new perspective that serves me better. It just takes practice and willingness.

Even if I am feeling dark inside, if I can be one spark of light in this dark world, then I have done my part. And you can do the same, find the light within you and let it SHINE! The more of us that reach deep within us to find that inner light, the more we will get rid of the darkness in this world. The Sun always comes up tomorrow.

If I look for Love, I'll find Love.

Another beautiful year has zoomed by! However, I honestly can say this was a beautiful year for me where I worked hard to be in the moment and honestly enjoy the beauty around me. Also a year of taking life by the horns and really taking the power back. Crushing and dissolving my fears left and right. Also accepting and giving myself credit, although I had a lot of change in the last year and I have come a long ways in the last few years; My journey is just beginning!

The first day I walked into the rooms of Al-anon, was on this day, April 13th, six years ago. I will forever remember that date and that one hour I sat in a room filled with a diverse group of people that evening. My only purpose for going to the meeting was to support my dear new friend, who was struggling with an abusive alcoholic marriage and she was seeking answers. However, just after the first 10 or 15 minutes as the chairperson read the opening, I had tears rolling down my cheeks. I had no idea how broken spiritually and emotionally I was, as well as angry and encased in fear. I cried the entire hour and quickly realized, I needed to be in this room too! I also wanted to know what these amazing people had found. I couldn't put words to it, but you could feel the serenity, peace, and happiness from these people! And they were smiling!!? I wanted what they had. Since that pivotal point in my life, I have never looked back, I was ready to change. I am beyond thankful my Higher Power helped guide me to those rooms this specific day. Now don't get me wrong, I had days I questioned what I was getting myself into, of course. In those weak moments, I hung onto my hope and the support of my group to help carry me through those low and difficult times. The group, my sponsor(s), and my willingness to do the footwork in my program, helped me slowly build my confidence, my self-esteem, my self-love, my self-worth, and helped me find compassion and love for other people while detaching and not owning what was not mine, and many, many, many other beautiful blessings. It gave me a fresh new way to look at life. A fresh new way to look at myself and those around me. I'm still healing my deep wounds from the past, but as I have said before, today I know how to mend those wounds so they don't sit open and fester. Instead, if a wound is opened, I can take the time to tend and care for it so it can heal slowly.

This program taught me that I have choices; I can choose fear or I can choose love. More often than not in my past, I quickly choose fear, even after I had the awareness I didn't have to choose fear. It took time to realize in the moment of chaos, that I do have a choice. It takes practice. Today it is easier to accept and take action to choose love. However, I can easily jump on the old wagon of fear! Thankfully, today I know I can jump off that wagon anytime I wish. That is comforting and allows me to give myself some slack that sometimes my path is on that wagon of fear. Gives me an opportunity to learn something or heal another layer of pain through the experience.

"If I look for fear, I'll find fear. If I look for love, I'll find love. Which one do I choose to seek today?" Hope for Today

I am filled with gratitude today. Focusing on remembering to breath, take a deep breath, and look around me with a smile. I want to enjoy the moment! So that is what I am going to do.

Keep It Simple

"The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak." ~Hans Hofmann

Grief

For the last week, I have been curious how I would feel today. Today has arrived, and I still am not sure how I feel. I suppose I do feel sad, but it doesn't overwhelm me. Today and tomorrow, yes, my ex-husband and I got married twice. It would have been our 10th wedding anniversary. I will focus on remembering the good memories of the past, but will work to also be gentle with myself and live in the moment today. I am grateful for the stages of grief, that have helped me over the years grieve for the marriage and relationship H and I would never have. My healing started years ago and I have allowed myself to grieve for this loss, that is like a death in some respect. I am proud of my tears, as they are a sign of my strength and willingness to work through these emotions and feelings. My tears have helped me heal and heal my wounds of pain. I am a stronger person today. H and I certainly tried our best with the tools we had, but it was not meant to be, no matter how hard we tried to fit a square peg into a round hole.

Although I am sad today and can remember the deep sad sorrows of my early stages of grief. Today, I am grateful and feel I am deep within the fourth stage (according to this list) of re-organizing and reintegration of my beautiful new life. Life is beautiful and filled with hope.

Going to keep it simple today.

Battle in my Head

I realized today, I typed the share below on January 1, 2015 and never published! Instead of deleting, I would like to share.


It was a great first day of the year! Today was my Mom's birthday. I am grateful our small family and few friends were able to get together for lunch and a movie. Mom seemed very happy with the quality time with her family. I love her dearly with all my heart. She is an amazing person, Mom, and friend.

Everyday I struggle with changing my thinking. I work diligently EVERYDAY to shift my thinking patterns and perspectives. I have been programmed for so many years to react to every little thing, or lack of responses from others, or read into every response or decision someone else makes. These activities by others would drive me straight to react emotionally and physically to the the worst scenario possible. There was no pause. If someone didn't answer the phone when I called, I instantly went into anger or upset mode with the shitty committee in full session. "Are they ignoring me?", "Are they ok?", "What did I do wrong?" Wow, those were dark, dark days I lived in. No wonder I felt insane. I am much better at quieting my mind and not having the internal battle today. However, I do have my moments of set back. Usually when I am tired. Which I am today. I have noticed the last few days I have been running through those "worst" case scenarios to "prepare" myself for the worst. Are you KIDDING ME!!! This is such old behavior for me. I have to nip this in the butt NOW! I don't want to poison anything in my life today, mostly I don't want to poison myself with these horrible thoughts and "scenario" walk through to help prepare me for the worst. That is just me trying to predict the future! I have seen miracle after miracle the power of my mind. What I think and envision will be revealed in time. The scenarios I have been envisioning and walking through the "script", I have to stop. Perhaps that will happen, but that is not for me to decide or predict. I need to come back to today, the present, and focus on me and my happiness and serenity. I have to go back and remember those shoes that are flung at me, some of them are going to hit me in the face. That's ok, I just have to get back up and dust myself off. I need to see everything that’s holding me back, every obstacle, every limitation as only temporary.

The Fog is Clearing...

After a restful night and back to my positive daily routine, I feel much better today! I am almost back to 100% of feeling like I can take over the world! Another good nights rest and surrounding myself with people I love and people that help lift me up in life.

I took a step back after yesterday and did some reflecting on how it made me feel. It blows my mind how deeply I am affected by certain people and how I allow it to affect me in such a negative way. They have no clue what they do. For years I allowed their unacceptable behaviors to affect the way I thought and felt. I allowed them to poison my heart, mind, and soul. The combination of my anxiousness in anticipation of the task and seeing these individuals yesterday, then the actual interactions, had me in a tail spin back to my old thinking and the stress knot in my stomach. I have a special place in my heart for these people, but it was a reminder that for my sanity and serenity, I have to continue to detach physically and emotionally. I have some more healing to do before I have another interaction. I know someday maybe I can have future interactions, if I want too, but not today.

Yesterday, I was in tears by the end of the day with the drowning feeling of being overwhelmed! It was like a flash back to 7 or 8 years ago. I literally wanted to physically throw up I was so upset. It even started to bleed and poison my thoughts of other areas in my life! The power of my mind to allow other people the power to make me feel that ill. The horrible part, they have no clue of their unacceptable behavior and it is not my place to tell them. However, it is my place to take care of ME. I had to walk through that fire to get to the other side. Always tough and can be painful, but it is worth getting to the other side.

My confidence is coming back and life is good again!

Perfect Storm

It was a little bit of a roller coaster day. A great morning spent with a dear friend, but then an anxiously anticipated afternoon. Only because of the help and support of my amazing family, I was able to wrap up a final healing and letting go, but daunting task today. H wasn't able to come by to pick up the rest of his "items", for the third time. I needed this completed. So I took the items to a location he asked me too. I am grateful I was able to handle the situation with grace and integrity. However, that shitty committee in my head has been in full session for the last few days in anticipation of this step in the healing process. I am feeling exhausted/drained, but relief, but also overwhelmed that I added this to my already busy schedule. I need to take a step back and breath.

I came across this random quote, not sure who to cite the credit too, but never the less a good reminder to stay in the moment and breath. 

"You can’t calm the storm, so stop trying. What you can do is calm yourself. The storm will pass." ~unknown author

Don't Over Think

Plans changed today and I have a quiet day to myself. I use to dread days like this, when I was alone with my thoughts. That use to get me in trouble as I would over think, EVERYTHING. Sometimes I can still get into that pattern. Particularly when I am feeling vulnerable. Also when my self-esteem is trying to waver. Being tired is another factor that adds to this fire.

Today, I am grateful as these sneaky old habits started to trickle into my day, I received a few messages from my dear friends that helped put my mind and thoughts back into perspective. My amazing friends had no idea that they were helping me shift my perspective. In fact, I believe it was more my HP sending me those messages through those I care about. Thank you.

One of the messages was to stop thinking to much. Until I read that, I didn't realize that was exactly what I was doing today. I don't have to know the answers, today or ever. I just need to believe I will be ok. The answers will come to me when I least expect it, and at the exact moment I will need it. Don't push the river. Until then, I need to continue to live in the moment, smile, take a deep breath, and relish in the happiness I have chosen. Life it good.

Another friend sent a list from another blog that listed out a few things this gal did after her divorce that she strongly recommended to others. It was a simple, but powerful list. That inspired me to create my own list.

1. Totally fallen apart, spiritually and emotionally.
2. Completely pulled my self back together again, both spiritually and emotionally. 
3. Repeat 1 and 2. 
4. Stop caring what others think. 
5. Stopped letting the little manipulate messages affect me. 
6. Recognize what occurs today was a result of choices I made prior to today. 
7. More importantly recognize what is occurring to him, are direct results of choices he made.
8. Started having sex again. 
9. Realizing I love it again.
10. Laughed at my level of happiness. 
11. Cried at my level of sadness. 
12. Asked for help. 
13. Accepted the help. 
14. Learned to let go of what was not mine.
15. Found compassion for him.
16. Lowered my bills. 
17. Got my old name back. 
18. Cried openly.
19. Cried alone. 
20. Stopped exerting energy on what could of been. 
21. Started working on what could be. 
22. Counted my blessings.
23. Allowed myself to be angry, so I could let it go.
24. Decided "Fuck yes" was my new motto! 
25. Rebuild.
26. Renewed. 
27. Restore and build new relationships with those that appreciate me for me. 
28. Stopped looking for answers. 
29. Started moving forward. 

30. Genuinely began looking forward to the future.

All part of the powerful healing process. Again, life is good.

The Journey Continues, One Day at a Time

I am filled with gratitude today with the amazing people I have in my life. I feel blessed beyond words. For so many years I suppressed my support group of family and friends, all due to the family disease. I exerted so much energy on H, I didn't have time to maintain relationships, let alone work to have healthy relationships.

As I shared back in July, I reached deep within myself for courage to take steps to move forward in a different direction. I am grateful H and I were both amicable through the entire process. Today, in the mail was the final and signed document from the courts. Over the last 5 to 6 years, I have worked to rebuild my character, spirit, and emotional state so I could find happiness and peace in my soul. It was, and still is, not an easy journey, but I feel like a completely different person. Today I practice healthier habits in how I treat myself and my relationships with others. In July, I felt I took the weight of the world off of my shoulders. In a way, I freed my heart and spirit from the constant burden of worry and unhappiness I insisted on participating in. The courage to let go of someone that I loved dearly, was one of the hardest decisions I had to make. Although difficult, I knew in my heart, it was the right decision for me, and H. We were not right for each other, even though we loved each other. Keeping it simple, we were a round peg trying to fit into a square hole.

If I am completely honest, I do feel sad today. The sadness stems from more of those layers of grieving of what we will never have in our relationship. I am grateful that I was able to listen to my HP, that I was never going to change H and had to take care of me. So as I took better care of myself and started living life in a way that brought me pure happiness. I realized slowly these past 5 or so years, that happiness together with H, was not in the cards. Also, seeing and living closely with the unwillingness in him to never change. Those are the things that make me sad on this day. It is surreal in a way and bittersweet to close this chapter of my life.

I, also, feel ecstatic and excited!! Recently I was out of town for a fun girls' weekend, exploring a new place and adventure in Northern California! Girls' trips are good for the soul. Then on top of that, traveling makes me smile from ear to ear for weeks prior, during, and after the trip! Prior to the girls' trip, I had a trip of a life time visiting New Orleans for a few days with my Sister, her man, and some other friends. Both trips were filled with new adventures, learning the history of the area, amazing food that I am still drooling over, great people watching, and lots of laughter with friends. I feel free as a bird today. I feel happy down to my bones. 

Please enjoy a few photos I took on both trips.

Jackson Square looking at the Catholic Cathedral

The oldest Cemetery

General Beauregard & Writer Keyes home

Amador County

We made a road trip to Lake Tahoe while we were in California