Purging

This last week was filled to the brim with purging toxins, both emotional and physical! Life has a tendency to sneak up on me and the clutter on my desk, in my head, and in my body gets overwhelming and drags me down. Therefore, I have been taking action this month to clean up all of those areas. Naturally in Simply Me style, I have to do ALL at once and right now. With this consistent approach I try to take, it has a tendency to overwhelm me and knock me down a little. That's ok, I can handle it. I just have been working to balance all of my goals, while remembering to breath and be gentle with myself.

I started Monday, 6 days ago, another round of the Isagenix 30 day system to help me reach my final goal in both inches and weight loss!! I am super pumped and excited to see the results. I did sneak in a jump on the scale this morning, ssqqquuuueeezzzzeeee!!! I am beyond excited that I am seeing results already. I am headed in the right direction. To be honest, the last round of this I did back in September/October of last year, the first 6 days were the roughest and I felt like shit. With good reason, I had horrible toxins from the crappy food I was eating! I hung in there and day 7 I woke up a new person. It was amazing! This time around has not been as bad, because I have made the life change to eat and be healthier. However, I will continue to be honest, I have splurged more than maybe I should have on goodies. It was a lot of fun! However, this week I am hurting from all the fun and it has been a little rough. I am praying tomorrow is similar to my last round. Hoping my expectations don't get me down. We shall see what is revealed tomorrow.

As I shared in my blog earlier this week, it was sort of a milestone I wondered how I would handle. Milestones of all types have always appealed to me. It helps me set goals and track my progress. It also helps me remember certain events and things better to have those milestones. I handled this past milestone quite well I feel. Although, on the 15th late afternoon, I was feeling tired and was on my first "cleanse" day the Isagenix, so I know my body was more susceptible to my emotions running away with me. And that is exactly what they did, they sneaked up on me and BAM! it was like a truck hit me and the tears started flowing. I was so confused, as I was at work. Luckily I could shut my office door and give myself a minute. I am still sorting through those emotions that must of came up from a new layer of healing. The tears showed me that I am ready for more healing and letting myself grieve for what will never be. I have accepted and let go to the core of my heart and soul of my relationship with H. I am proud of that, but I also have to be honest that there is still sadness there and for heaven sake the first milestone after a whirl wind of a ending of a chapter. This week was also a milestone of exactly 6 months since I made the decision to change my life and let H go. That made me pause, and take a deep breath. I am proud of the courage, grace, and integrity I have displayed through this entire time. I am grateful for my Higher Power and my amazing fellowship of family and friends that have helped support me through this journey.

Finally, the other huge purging I have tackled this week was to clean out my email inbox. Well one of them at least. I have four different emails. Anyhow, one issue at a time. **smile** This email I have had for about 9 years or so? Well, needless to say I have a hard time deleting emails. I was feeling I needed to push myself outside my comfort zone and purge some old emails. For the most part, it was surprisingly easy, I haven't read these messages in years! However, there were moments when I would see certain threads from people, I did pause to read. This dug up some old feelings an old friend that I have not completely forgiven for past unacceptable behavior, in my opinion. I have done some footwork on reaching for the forgiveness and to heal my wounds, as they run deep. In fact, deeper than the wounds from H. Therefore, I knew it would take time to reach that level of forgiveness for myself and this friend. I am no where near done with that journey. However, I am glad those emails where still there towards the end of when we cut each other off from our lives. The tears I shed I know are part of me getting closer to that forgiveness and healing. That fills me with pride that I am moving in the right direction. Today I can pray for this old friend, and wish the best for her. I truly feel that. I still have to work through the layers of the past. In due time and in my HP's time, not mine. So I keep those email threads and will come across them again when I am ready.

So there you have it, purging of physical toxins, emotional toxins, and email toxins! Wow, what a week. It was tough and physically and mentally felt ill at moments. But I pulled through and survived, because I used my tools and reached out to my amazing fellowship to help grab me from falling off the cliff.

Devour the Moment!

I am sitting her with a big smile on my face. What an awesome feeling. I had a great evening last night hanging out with a couple of good friends. These ladies know how to laugh and have a great time. I thrive on that energy. This morning I was able to check off a few items off of my to do list, which is always good for my mood and well being. I have read an article in the past, and might of even blogged about it. Anyhow my recollection of this article, or maybe a study?, recommended that you not live your days by a list and what you accomplish. Sorry that is the extent of my memory on that, but the moral of that, I do and don't agree with my weak memory of this article. It fills me with a sense of accomplishment, pride, and gratitude to accomplish what I set out to do that day. So in that respect, I don't agree. However, I do agree with it's concept, if I allow that list to run my life. What I mean by that, if I don't get my list done or completed in the time frame I set up, then I have to let that go. Shift and re-prioritize my list and things I "feel" I need to do. I also am learning to be a bit more spontaneous. When a friend calls to get together at the last minute, take a serious evaluation of what is on my "to do" list, and make the call whether to meet up with that friend last minute or not. I am also being more aware of how I am feeling before I make a decision to be spontaneous! Anyhow, not sure how I got off on that tangent! I also know the smile is left over from a nice lunch today I had with a dear friend. I devour every moment with this positive, hilarious, intelligent, honest, kind, teasing, respectful, and adorable friend. This friend makes me happy and inspires me. More will be revealed.

I wanted to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and hope your heart and spirit is filled with joy and happiness. If you are lacking any of that, I hope you can pause to take a moment to find a sliver of either or a whole truck load of it to dump into your mind, heart, and soul! They both are amazing to make you feel light and rejoice this beautiful time of year. I have let the stress and worries go for today.

The Fog is Clearing...

After a restful night and back to my positive daily routine, I feel much better today! I am almost back to 100% of feeling like I can take over the world! Another good nights rest and surrounding myself with people I love and people that help lift me up in life.

I took a step back after yesterday and did some reflecting on how it made me feel. It blows my mind how deeply I am affected by certain people and how I allow it to affect me in such a negative way. They have no clue what they do. For years I allowed their unacceptable behaviors to affect the way I thought and felt. I allowed them to poison my heart, mind, and soul. The combination of my anxiousness in anticipation of the task and seeing these individuals yesterday, then the actual interactions, had me in a tail spin back to my old thinking and the stress knot in my stomach. I have a special place in my heart for these people, but it was a reminder that for my sanity and serenity, I have to continue to detach physically and emotionally. I have some more healing to do before I have another interaction. I know someday maybe I can have future interactions, if I want too, but not today.

Yesterday, I was in tears by the end of the day with the drowning feeling of being overwhelmed! It was like a flash back to 7 or 8 years ago. I literally wanted to physically throw up I was so upset. It even started to bleed and poison my thoughts of other areas in my life! The power of my mind to allow other people the power to make me feel that ill. The horrible part, they have no clue of their unacceptable behavior and it is not my place to tell them. However, it is my place to take care of ME. I had to walk through that fire to get to the other side. Always tough and can be painful, but it is worth getting to the other side.

My confidence is coming back and life is good again!

Perfect Storm

It was a little bit of a roller coaster day. A great morning spent with a dear friend, but then an anxiously anticipated afternoon. Only because of the help and support of my amazing family, I was able to wrap up a final healing and letting go, but daunting task today. H wasn't able to come by to pick up the rest of his "items", for the third time. I needed this completed. So I took the items to a location he asked me too. I am grateful I was able to handle the situation with grace and integrity. However, that shitty committee in my head has been in full session for the last few days in anticipation of this step in the healing process. I am feeling exhausted/drained, but relief, but also overwhelmed that I added this to my already busy schedule. I need to take a step back and breath.

I came across this random quote, not sure who to cite the credit too, but never the less a good reminder to stay in the moment and breath. 

"You can’t calm the storm, so stop trying. What you can do is calm yourself. The storm will pass." ~unknown author

Don't Over Think

Plans changed today and I have a quiet day to myself. I use to dread days like this, when I was alone with my thoughts. That use to get me in trouble as I would over think, EVERYTHING. Sometimes I can still get into that pattern. Particularly when I am feeling vulnerable. Also when my self-esteem is trying to waver. Being tired is another factor that adds to this fire.

Today, I am grateful as these sneaky old habits started to trickle into my day, I received a few messages from my dear friends that helped put my mind and thoughts back into perspective. My amazing friends had no idea that they were helping me shift my perspective. In fact, I believe it was more my HP sending me those messages through those I care about. Thank you.

One of the messages was to stop thinking to much. Until I read that, I didn't realize that was exactly what I was doing today. I don't have to know the answers, today or ever. I just need to believe I will be ok. The answers will come to me when I least expect it, and at the exact moment I will need it. Don't push the river. Until then, I need to continue to live in the moment, smile, take a deep breath, and relish in the happiness I have chosen. Life it good.

Another friend sent a list from another blog that listed out a few things this gal did after her divorce that she strongly recommended to others. It was a simple, but powerful list. That inspired me to create my own list.

1. Totally fallen apart, spiritually and emotionally.
2. Completely pulled my self back together again, both spiritually and emotionally. 
3. Repeat 1 and 2. 
4. Stop caring what others think. 
5. Stopped letting the little manipulate messages affect me. 
6. Recognize what occurs today was a result of choices I made prior to today. 
7. More importantly recognize what is occurring to him, are direct results of choices he made.
8. Started having sex again. 
9. Realizing I love it again.
10. Laughed at my level of happiness. 
11. Cried at my level of sadness. 
12. Asked for help. 
13. Accepted the help. 
14. Learned to let go of what was not mine.
15. Found compassion for him.
16. Lowered my bills. 
17. Got my old name back. 
18. Cried openly.
19. Cried alone. 
20. Stopped exerting energy on what could of been. 
21. Started working on what could be. 
22. Counted my blessings.
23. Allowed myself to be angry, so I could let it go.
24. Decided "Fuck yes" was my new motto! 
25. Rebuild.
26. Renewed. 
27. Restore and build new relationships with those that appreciate me for me. 
28. Stopped looking for answers. 
29. Started moving forward. 

30. Genuinely began looking forward to the future.

All part of the powerful healing process. Again, life is good.

Milestones

With the world shifting drastically around me, I haven't had a lot of energy to share here. However, I had a productive and spiritually peaceful day today. Now I can't seem to sleep and I was drawn to my blog to share. THEN I realized, oh my, this weekend marks my three year anniversary in Bloggerville! Milestones have always been important to me, in the respect it helps me keep life in perspective. In past years, milestones would possibly cause me sadness and my view of them could really bring me down. As the years go by, I certainly feel I have a different perspective and respect for milestones. They allow me to take inventory of myself. Am I headed in the direction I want to be going? Do I have have faith and trust myself, as well as trusting my HP? Am I accomplishing the goals I set out to conqueror? Am I painting a picture and laying the foundation of my life to ensure I live and capture my happiness each day?

To answer these questions and take my life to the next level, I had to close the book of a deep and loving relationship close to my heart and soul. As I look back and read through some of my earlier posts, I sit back and am honestly in awe the journey I have walked in the last few years. The power of journalling and sharing the challenges and successes, is truly a miracle in its self. There are so many moments in our lives, it is impossible to remember them all! What a powerful way to help capture a few of those moments, I might otherwise have forgotten or tucked away in a memory buried beneath other memories. I am filled with gratitude today. My heart is sad, but strong today.

"Living with joys and problems affirms my membership in the human race. What sets me apart is the path on which I have been placed to walk. No one can walk it for me, nor can I change my path to suit anyone else." CtoC

"The shell that had enclosed my life, that had prevented me from living and loving, has cracked, and the power of the Al-Anon program is filling the void that for years kept me at a distance from life." ~As We Understood...

Here is to resting peacefully tonight like my precious pup so easily does... Pleasant dreams my friends!

Developing from the Negatives

I was up bright and early this morning for Bootcamp! I keep believing each day I can do this, just one day at a time. One of the motivating website I follow posted this picture yesterday. Although, when I uploaded the photo it cut some of it off. The bottom says, "And if things don't turn out, just take another shoot!" I love this!

I only have a few minutes to share today, so I'd like to share with you my Power Thought card for the day. Again, random draw out of the pile revealed the following:

"I am in the process of positive change. I am unfolding in fulfilling ways. Only good can come to me. I now express health, happiness, prosperity, and peace of mind."

Good food for thought today. Have a wonderful day my friends!