Yellow Snow?

Life is racing on by! Life's been busy with me, so as it tosses me around I work hard to enjoy each moment! So my blogging fingers have not had a lot of air time.

The pollen has been taking over the city! My eyes are blood shot and scratchy, I'm sneezing every 5 seconds and blowing my nose constantly. Gotta love allergies! As we joke here in the desert, it's snowing Palo Verde tree EVERYWHERE!

I mentioned last week I was struggling with an upcoming event that would test my ability to be gentle with myself and someone else's struggle to let go. I will say that project went as smoothly as it could have gone. Not as fast I would have preferred it to happen, but it's not in my time. My first sponsor would tell me, "Don't push the river." **sigh** I'm being reminded of that a lot lately, I must be trying to divert the river again. I believe this project will continue to move froward, I can just only hope in time to help me with another situation that I currently have going on. It's all about timing. It's also about having open communication! I was able to be honest with this person about my frustrations and the obstacles I feel I keep running into. This person agreed, that we need to buckle down and move forward with the project.

In the mist of my crammed packed Saturday, I took a little road trip with my parents over to the east side of the valley for an author book signing. My Mom bought me a cookbook wrote by Ree Drummond. I honestly didn't know who this gal was until my Mom handed me the book. Now I love this gal! How I didn't end up with this lifestyle, only my H.P. knows. Apparently my H.P. has other plans for me. Anyhow, this pioneer woman has a great story that she shared through her words and photos, which she weaves in and out of her cookbook! She was in town for a book signing. The link above is her old cookbook, which is the one I had signed. She just came out with a second new cookbook. Apparently we had NO CLUE she was so popular, so we arrived right on time, which resulted in receiving the letter "W" in the "line" to get our book signed. Oh well, we were not on a tight schedule, so it gave the three of us time to hang out and spend sometime together. After over an hour or so they called letter "F", we all looked at each other and quickly got up to head outside for a break and to grab an early supper. We apparently had plenty of time!

It all started with Ree's blog, that turned into several books and a television show! Her popularity has grown quickly, I believe only in the last five years! I'm happy for her and her family. What a great journey! You can read more about her on The Pioneer Woman.

The event was at a local high school grounds that had plenty of wildlife hanging around! Naturally, I had to pull out my little camera and capture some of these creatures. Would you expect anything else from me? The picture above is of a little Shorebird that was wading in the irrigation water. As I've mentioned I love reflection photos! However, this little guy would not stand still very long, so this was my one shot to capture him standing in the water. There was also a black grackle taking a bath at the same time.

We also had a sweet "him and her" Mallard duck couple that walked out to our car with us! They were expecting bread crumbs or something they way they were acting. It brought back memories from when I was a kid. We had ducks for many years!
When we got back, the auditorium was less than half empty! Yeah! They called the rest of the alphabet to get in line. So we did. We were there probably a total of four hours, much longer than we had anticipated, but it was worth it to meet Ree, her husband "The Marlboro Man", two boys, and her sister. Here are some photos of me and the MM & Ree. They are down to earth ranch folks that I wouldn't mind living next door too. That would mean I'm living on my own ranch in the middle of now where with my own horses, dogs, cows, and my own Cowboy that wears chaps! H would need to learn to wear a cowboy hat, chaps, and ride a horse. (Sorry that made me laugh out loud a little with that visual).

Ladd Drummond & me

Me & Ree Drummond

The rest of the weekend was spent meeting some of H's new friends and going to another Pamper Chef party. I'm not sure if it's good or bad when the consultant is going through her demonstration and I can check off in my head, "I have that piece, and that one, oh and that one too, yup got it..." You get the idea! They do have a new french fry cutter that I did order. H makes french fries quite often; however, someone had a great idea to use it for veggies, such as cucumbers! I will TRY to eat the veggie fries instead.

I hope you had a wonderful weekend!

Good News!

I heard from the doctors office this week with good news all the way around. My MRI scan of the brain was normal and all my blood work was normal. Great news!! Although, as I mentioned I wasn't particularly worried that anything was wrong with my brain, just a procedure to double check all is good.

I was chatting with a good friend and she mentioned she thought my headaches were more tense than migraine. I would have to agree with that. Anyhow, I will just need to stay on top of my stress level  and NOT project into future events. That seems to be where I get hung up in my old stinking thinking and behaviors. All of that horrible energy of worrying about what hasn't happened yet is then funneled into my shoulders, then my neck and not long after that I get a horrible pounding headache.

Speaking of projection. The next several months are filled with transitions and change. I’m going to have to keep tabs on my tendency to project situations that “might” happen. Also when I get in that mode of per-anxiety I can slink back into my old comfort zone of stinking thinking slathered in fear of the unknown! That path of thinking can take me to the bottom of the ocean quickly with bricks tied to my shoes. I dislike that flooded feeling I allow myself to feel when I start to mull over in my head all the change that is on my horizon. In fact, I just took a minute to stop typing to take a deep breath to help relax my shoulders. Yikes, just typing about this is stressing me out! Ha, makes me laugh at myself that I allow those feelings to have so much power over me. Laughter can be very healing.

Change is good. Change can be healthy when viewed in a positive perspective. In fact, through my spiritual recovery, I have come to welcome and challenge change with open arms. Many of my relationships have benefited from me facing these challenges face on! However, in other departments of my life, I’m a little more skittish and not as bold. I know that doesn’t make any sense, but its there and something I’m working on. The goal right now is to keep the focus on not making a mountain out of a mole hill. If that was an event in the summer Olympics, I would have several gold medals!

 Items that are trying to be mountains:

- We are moving office locations at work the end of May.

- My current service position term is up in June, I'm praying someone in the group will step up for service. I'm working on trying to mentor someone, we shall see if they are ready. Additionally, I'm learning that the GR role actually is recommended to end in October when the Area officers transition. I feel a slight inner struggle with all of this. I'm happy to continue and help the group through October, if nobody else steps up. However, I feel the pull to move on to a new service position. I've put my three years in and ready for something new. I will hand it over to my H.P. and see what happens.

- Summer, I'm not where I want to be with my weight loss, translation, I'm not ready to wear a swim suit! Ugh. I know I'm the only one that can change this and make it happen. There are several obstacles in my path; however, I seem to find excuses to not over come those obstacles. Even more frustrating, I've tackled and overcame each of these obstacles in the past and lost a lot of weight. I pray I find the motivation.

- There is an upcoming event that is testing my ability to be gentle with myself and someone else's struggle to let go. I feel that in the past I tried to bulldoze my way through similar situations and I only caused pain with my actions and frustrations. With the tools that I have today, I can be compassionate and loving for their concerns and fears. At the same time, I can help the other person push their through comfort level. I pray it goes smoothly. 

Well, that is that. I need to keep that constant contact with my H.P., my sponsor, go to my meetings, maybe some extra meetings this next month, and keep working my program. Everything will workout just fine. More will be revealed.

Easy Does It

Courage to Change April 24th

"When something isn't working the way I think it should, I can think about the slogan, "Easy Does It." Instead of redoubling my effort, I can slow down and reassess the situation. The answer I seek may be staring me in the face, but sometimes I have to let go of what I'm doing before I can see it.

I was trying to zip a removable lining back into my coat, but it wasn't working. I pushed as hard as I could, trying to force it to slide, but it wouldn't budge. Finally I saw that I had been trying to fit the lining's zipper into the coat's front zipper. No wonder I couldn't make it work!

How many times in my life have I don't the same thing: forced a solution? I've tried to "zip" myself to people and situations that didn't "fit" me, becoming frustrated and disheartened in the process. But I've learned that easy does it. I can take the time to see if I "match" what I think I want before I jump in and start "zipping." My life is more serene because I'm not pushing to make myself fit somewhere I don't belong.

Today's Reminder
If my plans hit a snag today, I will step back for a moment and take a calm look at the situation before moving ahead.

'Easy Does It'... Think about it when you're in a hurry to do something and everything seems to go wrong... You'll be surprised how much this one little idea can do for you."


I wanted to share the daily reading from yesterday. I get a lot out of analogs that can help me visualize and help apply that visual to a feeling or situation that I have a hard time putting into words. I can completely relate to the "zipping" into situations and people that are just not a fit. I've tried to force a relationship that perhaps had simply run it course and it was time for the two of us to go our separate ways. As I'm working step eight with my sponsor I have a few friends from the past that are on that list. I'm grateful this step is simply making a list and then just becoming willing to make those amends. No action is taken at the time. I look forward to moving forward and getting to the point where those amends can be made within myself and feel more at peace with the situations that happened. More will be revealed and grateful that I have patience with that situation to work it out slowly with my Higher Power.  I know in time I will work through all the pieces and come to peace with the situation, and perhaps the individuals as well.

I've been able to apply the last quote of the reading to my daily commute back and forth to work. There are days that I'm just running behind from the moment I woke up. I feel rushed and trying to get out the door to make sure I get to work on time. However, when I'm in that "rushed" mode; I hit EVERY red light, get behind EVERY slow person driving 10 miles under the speed limit, and come across 9 of the 10 horrible accidents that occurred that morning on my way to work. So I've been practicing for the last year or so, that when my morning starts out feeling rushed, I try to stop for a second and take several deep breaths. Sometimes before I leave the driveway, I'll read a quick daily reading like the one above. Then, I focus on just doing the speed limit and pick one lane and stay in that lane. Then I visualize my work office building, I will get there when I get there. I sit back in my seat and enjoy the drive. I turn on one of my favorite radio stations and turn the tunes up. The other trick I've tried is NOT looking at the clock. That just makes me anxious! I do set my alarm on my phone to go off about 5 minutes before I'm suppose to be at work. 97% of the time, when I can put all of this into practice, I get to work on time when I thought there was no physical way I would of made it on time! Miracles. There are a few times that my alarm goes off and I'm more than 5 minutes away, so I call the office to let them know I'm a few minutes behind. Done. I have to take that stress out of the situation or it carries throughout my day. Stress is a toxic poison for me, and I don't want to take that poison anymore. Easy does it my friend.

What tricks have you tried to help you slow down and not hurry through something?

Maturity

Sunset in Maui

"Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings." Step seven is about humility which to me is self-acceptance. I am slowing coming to the reality, one day at a time, that I'm not all powerful and not in control of everything and everyone around me. It has been quite a journey learning who I am and learning to accept the limitations that are part of who I am. I'm grateful to be ready to let go of my self-will and hand it over to my Higher Power, of my understanding. I still need to do my part, but to put that acceptance to work by believing in a power greater than myself and be willing to be free of the excess baggage that I've picked up over the years.

I came to a new realization today about step seven. Not only is it about humility and self-acceptance, it's about maturity! If you had asked me years ago if I thought I was mature, I would have told you absolutely! I have been told since I was young that I'm mature for my age. On many levels, it was very true that I was more mature than my actual age. However, I developed coping mechanisms to deal with the family disease of alcoholism, which in turn helped me justify behaviors towards myself and others that were not very mature.

While working this step (and the previous six steps), I realized I had found a new layer of true maturity. I can handle constructive criticism today without taking it personally. In these situations I can be aware of the opportunity to learn something new and see a new perspective or learn to respectfully speak up for myself if the person delivering the criticism is way off in left field. Taking responsibility for my actions, and my actions only. Be genuinely happy for others when they have reached an important achievement, big or small, without trying to steal their thunder. Learning to listen to others with respect and my month shut, even if my point of view is completely the opposite! These are huge accomplishments for me as I would feel the need in the past to do the complete opposite in an attempt to survive. But today, I can ask my HP for help and be willing to take that step to surrender my self-will. I'm willing to continue to work with my HP, of my understanding, to be willing to change the bonds of the old and unhealthy behaviors that try to shackle my character defects.

"Serenity is not freedom from the storm but peace within the storm." unknown source

Happy Earth Day!

I love our Earth and Mother Nature! I did not plant a tree today, as it seems to be recommended in celebration of Earth Day. However, the two trees I planted several years ago are doing really well in our yard. I did work in the garden this morning with the girls as my supervisors. So I feel that not only today, but everyday I give back to our Earth and respect her the best I can.

I have a handful of sewing projects going right now and was able to start a couple of them last night. Working on a tote/purse for a friend and a baby blanket for another friend. I don't have a photo yet of the tote/purse, but will share later. Below is the photo of the top of the baby quilt. The quilt is coming along nicely! 

Since it's 102 plus outside this weekend, I'm working on a lot of inside projects! It's a little early for such warm weather, usually it waits until June! I'm hoping it's just a fluke and it will cool back down for the next month. Anyhow, I suppose I'm feeling a little domesticated today, as well. I made meatloaf for lunch for H & me. It made perfect meatloaf sandwiches. In addition, I made some homemade salsa this morning from ingredients from the garden. Only a few items are from the store. It turned out delicious!!

I had the opportunity to attend an amazing speaker meeting yesterday with a dear friend. We drove across town to the meeting, which allowed us to catch up as we haven't really had a chance to see each other. It is such an important part of my recovery to hear others experience, strength, and hope. After the speaker shared their story, it was then a workshop to allow everyone a chance to share what tools they have used that has helped with their recovery! It wasn't what my friend and I were expecting, but turned out to be exactly what we both needed. There were many little nuggets that were shared, but the one that really stuck with me was when someone shared that when she was outside of her comfort zone with something, she would go back to the Traditions to help relate to others. I actually never thought to reach for the Traditions as a tool in that scenario. This will be a good exercise to remember. Not familiar with the traditions yourself, you can view them here.

I hope you have an amazing day!  Did you do anything for Earth day?

Miracles

I was reflecting today on the many wonderful miracles and a few challenging pieces of last weekend. I'd like to share a few of those with you.

* There were several moments where tempers flared and words were harsh with cruel tones. True miracles were at hand that helped each of us get through those few moments. Those that lost their temper were able to recover quickly and apologize for their actions. I'm in awe of the awareness that is happening on a daily basis around me!
* Each day that passes I am finding a new found compassion and love for H. It's a fascinating combination of "starting" over but not forgetting our long history together. I never in a million years would have thought our relationship would have evolved into what we have today. Truly a miracle. By no means is it perfect, but happiness and love is becoming more common than anything else. Amazing what awareness, acceptance, and action can do for a marriage and relationship.
* The strength of willingness that we both have today helps each of us pull the other out of the holes that we trip into each day. It's a daily awareness of our behaviors and then taking steps to own up and admit if that behavior has become unacceptable at any moment. Which we both have a tendency to fall back into that unacceptable behavior from time to time. I can't tell you what a relief it is lately when H realizes his behavior has become unacceptable and then makes amends almost immediately. I've been stunned speechless quite a bit lately with this new healthy behavior from H. It's not just with me but with others! Watching the awareness and the willingness mix together in a healthy way by H, makes me smile and warms my heart. It's watching the miracles of my own recovery program working through others.
* H & I planned an afternoon with my Sister and her boyfriend at the race track. I love those Gr0up0n coup0ns! It was my first time to the track, hard to believe, but true. We had a VIP table just past the finish line! Great view of the track and the section where the jockeys mount the horses before each race. Horses are magnificent animals of grace and speed as they fly down the dirt track! It was a beautiful cloudy and slightly chilly day for the races. H & I are not big gamblers; however, we gave it a shot at a couple of the races and actually left with some extra $$. Overall the day was an amazing experience! Great company who I love dearly, we all dressed up for the occasion, beautiful weather, good food, watched amazing horses and their jockeys race with passion for the sport! The only a few things were missing... the opportunity to be down with the horses and a big floppy hat. :0)
* We finished and submitted our taxes. I don't believe we have ever owed this much on our taxes before. **sigh** It's done and we will take measures to balance it back out for next year. We strive to break even and have been successful for many years.

Here are some photos from the day at the Track! Enjoy!

 Escorts, I think this would be a fun job!

Horses & Jockeys warming up for the first race of the day.

Beautiful!

Number 3 stayed in the front of the pack the entire race...

and won!

The 3rd race, horse 3, I bet $3. Rocky Ice held the lead the entire race!

Winner, winner! Chicken Dinner!

The Jockey was pretty happy and so was I!

Imagine that, I Survived!

I did what I said I would do. I called my doctor's office and they called in a prescription to help calm my nerves for the MRI. There was some confusion with the pharmacy and they didn't receive it the first time it was called in. After a few more phone calls, it was straightened out. Patience is become a good friend of mine. Next, I rescheduled the MRI, which was last night. Thankfully my parents were available to drive me to the appointment after work. They were a few minutes late picking me up and my anxiety level was about to explode! However, I was proud of myself that I was able to go into problem solve mode instead of letting that anxiety disable me completely. I came up with a plan to get myself to the appointment and prepared to leave notes to have my parents meet me there to bring me home. Due to the medicine, I would not be able to drive home. Luckily they showed up just as I was finalizing my plan B.

The medicine calmed my nerves just enough to allow me to make it through the 20 minute scan. Yup, I made it through the MRI just fine. The entire time I keep my eyes closed and I envisioned grooming my friend's horse, Blackjack. I find doing all the ground work, grooming and tacking a horse, to be quite soothing, so it was perfect to run through each detail of each step in my head to make it through the scan. The Higher Power, of my understanding, works through those magnificent animals.

It was a good remind to me, that I didn't have to take on this fear alone. I'm grateful for the  wonderful support from my family, friends, and my Higher Power. As the quote suggests below, I need to teach myself to be receptive to the help around me, from those loving family, friends, and H.P.

"Step Three suggests I teach myself, from this moment on, to be receptive, to open myself to help from my Higher Power." from Al-Anon's Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions

Beautiful blossoms on a cactus that I get to see during  my commute to work.

Power, Courage, and Strength - Sharing with You

I came across the story below and felt the power, courage, and strength from the message. I feel it is important to share with you.


Lessons of Lily, Sarah, and Grace by Art, Meet Commerce blogger.

You should not be reading this.
And I should not have written it.

Because we should not be here.

In fact, we should not exist.

And the odds that we do exist are so impossibly small that we can not conceive of a number that finite.

Smaller than a step in a walk to the far side of the universe. Smaller than a single grain in a world full of sand.

It would take the change of but one mundane act since the beginning of time for either you or I to have never been born. Any one. A chance introduction. A door left open. A letter lost in the mail. A train that left on time. Or didn’t. A sliding door. A moment’s hesitation. A glance, a nod, a wink.

But we are here. And by any definition, mathematical or mystical, that makes us miracles.

Whether we exist for a day, or a hundred years, or less than ten, we are miracles.

Which suddenly makes what we do today a decision of some consequence.

I have known Madonna Badger since 2008. First as a client, and then as a friend. And I have met her husband Matt briefly a few times.

Yesterday, Chris and I attended the funeral of their three daughters: Lily, Sarah and Grace.

For those of you who haven’t heard this unspeakably tragic story, Madonna lost her daughters and her parents in a house fire on Christmas morning. As the fire fighters pulled her away she said to them, “my whole life is in there.”

I can say I have never heard anything of which I was more certain that that. Those five people were her life. She was limitlessly committed to them, her life revolved around them. She would have died for them. For any one of them.

We went to the funeral yesterday, pre-judging her by the expectations we would have of ourselves in those same circumstances. That simply to breathe would no longer be possible.

That existence itself would be more than we could bear. We expected to find a broken woman.
Instead we found a woman whose strength filled a church of well over a thousand people, and who left me with a personal reference point that is unshakeable.

That life is an opportunity. A chance. An unimaginable gift.

And we should treat it that way. Every day.

In the way that little girls do. Exploring, trying, learning, loving, playing, living.

Because when the last of these is suddenly taken from us, what will be left is what we did.

Not what we meant to do. Not what we intended to do. Not what we thought about doing.

But what we did.

Lily, Sarah and Grace were prevented from doing more.

But what they did was life-changing.

For their mother, who will be their mother forever, and will use their power to change the world.

And for any of us who use their memory as fuel to fight against assumption.

That tomorrow is the same as today.

That we are in control.

That it will work out in the end.

We should not be here. We should not exist. It is impossible that we do.

After all that, living life with the wonder of a little girl should be a piece of cake
———————————————————————————————————-

I have included the text of Madonna’s eulogy below. That she was able to give it in person, is the bravest act I have ever seen.

January 5th, 2012
Thank you all for being here today.

I want talk to you about my girls, my three little girls Lily, Sarah, and Grace Badger, and this is going to be really hard.

Lily Grace and Sarah are not here with us today and they won’t be here tomorrow and I am trying to come to terms with this and I know that Matthew is and I know that all of us are. But I feel very strongly and the reason why I wanted to speak to you today is to let you know who my girls were and that our girls, my little girls are not gone from us entirely because my girls are in my heart they’re right here and this is where they live now and they live in Matthew’s heart and they live in the heart’s of all of you who knew them and even those who didn’t know them. And I want you to remember my girls out loud to fight for them to never be forgotten. This is why I can stand before you today because they were my little girls and they were my little girl tribe and I want you to hear about them from me.

So I’m going to tell you just the tiniest of snippets, little stories that are the smallest of drops in a ocean of memories, because there were Christmases and Easters and Thanksgivings and so many days of just being a girl tribe together, and dancing and singing and playing and loving one another.

My Lily. Lily was my angel and my life and she was my first baby, and when Lily was first born I would put her in my baby Bjorn and we would walk around New York City for hours, with diapers in my pocket and my breasts full of milk and it was all we needed. And we’d walk the city.

Lily sang before she spoke and she made-up songs constantly. She made-up elaborate games with her Nana and all of the little animals that she loved to play with, and these animals all had names, and they all lived in very special kingdoms. Lily loved her Ricky and her Mister Wiggles and Lily loved her Jessica so very much.

And most of all Lily loved her sisters. They were her best friends and she celebrated all of their unique qualities, and she never changed them and she never harmed them and she always gave them love. Lily was naturally shy and her smile was sometimes hidden, but when she let her smile show it glowed completely.

And Lily was a dancer, a natural born dancer and when Lily danced it was with moves that far outdid Michael Jackson. Lily was calm and confident and full of who Lily was. When she was first met you she wasn’t sure about you, but once she determined that you were okay, you were one hundred percent in with Lily forever.

When Lily and I went to the Met and we saw all the Pietàs because apparently I had made a wrong turn and all the Pietàs were right there, but anyway when she saw the Pietàs at the Met when she was only 5, Lily broke down on the floor and she begged me to tell her when she was going to die. And I told her after a lot of not knowing what to say, that life is a mystery, it’s a total mystery, and we will never know when we will die. And she accepted that. And I did too.

My darling, Sarah. Sarah is spirited love and her greatest joy in this life was to make you feel good and at ease and loved. As many of you know, my parents – their Nana and Papa – were true givers. And one Christmas my dad as his alter-ego Santa, in full regalia, went to the village nursing home, and my mother had made sugar cookies and put them in little bags and everybody walked into the nursing home and it was scary. And Lily was there, and Sarah and Gracie and Matthew, and it was Sarah who grabbed the little cookies and started handing them out to the very sick and very old people, and the entire room changed and it was full of ease and full of light. Sarah later said to my mom, “Nana, now somebody better tell the tooth fairy that this is where she needs to bring all the teeth, cause these people really need them.”

I had a fever once and Sarah came and she sprayed my face with magic mist and she put a toy dog in my hand and she said, “don’t worry Mama these things are going to help you sleep and make you well.”

Sarah had a very, very fragile heart and it was hidden behind a lot of love and lot of smiles and the smallest slight would cost such deep deep damage that I swear you could see the tear right there in her heart.

Sarah liked to lie with me at bed time and hold my hand and tell me how much she loved me. And she was my whipper snapper. One night I asked Sarah to do something, and it was silly – I can’t remember what it was – and she put her hands firmly on her hips and she said, “no can do, Mommy.”

Once her Nana said, “Sarah Badgers can you hear me?” And Sarah said “Nana I can hear you. I’m just not listening to you.”

And Doctor Solar said that Sarah was the mayor of Windward, their school. And she knew the names of all of their brothers and all of their sisters, and recently they had to call a special meeting at Windward, Dr. Schwab had to call a meeting with the second grade girls so they could figure out a way of how they were going to take turns being close to Sarah. This was my Sarah, my little Sarah, my little whipper snapper, love and lovable and totally loved.

My Gracie. My best friend Jenny once said that Grace was light in a previous life and I think she was right. Grace was fearless, she was the first one to pick up the most creepiest most grossest bug you could possible find and try to give it to me because I hate creepy crawly things. Gracie was fearless. She was the first one on the trapeze in our last spring vacation and she begged and begged to go on it again and again. Gracie was in love with her sisters and in awe of Lily. And Gracie always used to say, “right Lily, right, isn’t that right?”

Sarah and Grace had a special language and a special bond. For instance they called one another ‘RaRa’ when they were little toddlers and it was the name that they had given one another because it was the ‘Ra’ in both of their names that was only thing that was the same. And it took us a long time to really know if they knew the difference between which one was Grace and which was Sarah.

Grace loved math and she would do problems that were like 10 numbers long and she would add them and subtract them. And then she would make us all check her work, and she was so proud of what she could accomplish with her numbers.

Grace was a fisherman, an adventure and an inventor and her imagination was boundless. And there was nothing Grace Badger couldn’t make with a Band Aid. Band Aids were balls and they were wrapping paper and they were everything. Nobody loved Band Aids more than Grace Badger.

And Gracie wanted to know everything. She wanted a microscope and a telescope and I think she wanted to see the seen and the unseen. And she could have cared less if you liked her or approved of her, she found her own way always and when she loved you she loved you completely. And Grace’s tender kisses were always given when she wanted to give them and her hugs were so full and so loving.

Grace asked me a thousand times, if she was going to die before me and I said, “No Gracie, no, that is never going to happen.”

But it happened. And people, everyone, including me, wonder ”Why? Why did this happen, and why my children, and why my parents and why now?”

But nothing will bring my babies back, or my parents, or the life I had or Matthew’s. And here’s the one thing that I know is not a mystery. That there is no power greater on this Earth than love. And that is what is going to keep Lily and Sarah and Grace with us forever.
In this, in all this incomprehensible loss and chaos, all I can hang on to is that love is everything. And God, as I choose to call my higher power, is love. And so, God is love and God is everything.

I have been asked a million times, ”how can you do this, how are you talking, how are you surviving?” Because when I used to hear about people losing a child, or if a child got very, very sick, I would say, “I could never survive that. I could never live through that, I could never, ever, ever live through losing my babies.”

But here I am. Here all of us are. Because Lily and Sarah and Grace live in my heart now, as do my parents, Lomer and Pauline. I was a daughter and a mother, and I still intend to be both, so I can make my girls proud and carry them forward in love. This love, I am realizing, is to be my children’s legacies because they left the world at such tender ages that all they left behind was love.

And I think and I pray and I hope that it is all of our great responsibility to spread that love.

And for me, God does not call on us just to love because that is too easy. He also calls on us to be of service. Service to our friends, our families to those we know and those we don’t.

So the message I want to share today, on behalf of Lily and Sarah and Grace, is that we can talk all day long about love, but love without service is not enough.

Please keep our little girls in your hearts by showing your love with acts of pure kindness, by loving each other and finding a way to help each other every day for Lily, for Sarah, and for Grace. This is what will keep them alive forever.

Thank you all for coming today and for all of your words and prayers and support. They have meant the world to me, they have meant the world to my family and to Matthew.

Click on this link to pass the story on:
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Keep Coming Back!

Keep coming back was the topic in our meeting last night. I thought it was quite appropriate for this week since today is my Al-Anon birthday! The day I walked into these rooms and was handed a newcomer packet, I wrote that date on the packet. I still have that packet with the date and the gal that wrote her number on the front of it. She became my first sponser not long after that. I left that first meeting with hope that things could get better.

My home group doesn't celebrate birthdays; however, I've been to meetings where they do celebrate birthdays. I've seen both where the one celebrating will share their story or their sponsor or someone representing them will share that person's growth from their perspective! Really cool.

I'm a lifer in this amazing program and I will keep coming back!

"Al-Anon is the light that helps me find my way in the dark." Courage to Change

"GET ME OUT OF HERE!"

Yesterday was tough. I stumbled and tripped a lot with controlling my own emotions and reactions because of my own stinking thinking! Fear and anxiety whirled around me with dominating force. I had a brain MRI scheduled after work. I've never had an MRI. I've also never really thought I was claustrophobic.

Last year I have a very VIVID memory of what I call my "official" anxiety attack that is associated with claustrophobia. We were camping and sleeping in our two person tent, plus the three dogs. We were packed and layered into this little tent. I woke up startled, not quite knowing where I was at for a moment and then pure fear of "GET ME OUT OF HERE!" struck me! I can remember thinking, "Why am I freaking out?!" I don't recall having a panic attack like that where I almost couldn't breath I was so panicked of not being able to open the zipper of the tent. When I finally had a sliver open and could shove my head out, I had instant relief. It was a bizarre but terrifying experience! Then I burst into tears of complete embarrassment of my actions and completely terrified of what just happened. H doesn't deal well when I go into these crying hysterics, so sometimes the lack of comforting sort of fuels the emotional burst of tears. Geez. What a mess I can be sometimes. Although, I must say, these "episodes" of complete emotional break downs don't happen very often anymore.

The whole situation made me look back and try to remember what event or trauma would have caused this to perhaps be triggered? I can vaguely remember as a child not liking turtle necks because they felt like they were suffocating me. I felt that wasn't very traumatic to leave my brain programmed to freak out when I'm in a small space. If there was a traumatic event, I've obviously blocked it completely from mind. I may have to explore that avenue slowly to see if more will be revealed.

Back to the current MRI experience. In January I experienced the worst headache I've ever had in my life. That is saying a lot, because I've had bad headaches most of my life. The one in January put every headache I've ever had in perspective!! I vaguely referred to the appointment in a past post that I had with the doctor a couple of weeks after I had my 1st migraine headache. He ordered an MRI to make sure everything is ok. The simple mention of getting an MRI in January made the hair on my arms prickle!

After some logical and un-logical excuses, I finally scheduled the MRI. I felt that I did really well all day at work and all the way up to the moment when the nurse took me into the room with the MRI. I asked questions, I was conscious that I was breathing, saying the serenity prayer, and thinking of all the suggestions friends had made from their MRI experiences. Once I laid down on the platform and was "clipped" into the headset. That anxiety feeling of panic I felt in the tent, started to rise in my chest. I was able to say to the nurse before she slide me into the tube, "please unclip the mask." The staff was extremely kind and nice, amazing patient care. Which I was greatly appreciative!! So needless to say, although I thought I was doing ok all day and trying to keep myself calm. I believe I was living in an illusion, as I started to cry laying there on the platform. A suggestion from many was to get some medicine that would help me relax. That required extra steps with my doctor that I chose not to take. That was a mistake. Again, the tears of complete embarrassment that my fear had taken over in front of these complete strangers and I felt that I had wasted their time! The staff keep saying over and over, "You are not the first and you won't be the last, don't worry about it. No reason to get upset." Ugh.


My episode sort of turned me inside out last night. I had a nice little pity party for myself all the way home. This is where I stumbled and tripped back into my old behaviors. H was still up and making dinner. (He made delicious Reuben sandwiches!) I was deeply drowning in my own pity and embarrassment that I didn't say a word. H didn't ask how it went. So I stuffed my feelings. He proceeded to be himself and teased me about something, as he always does. In my raw state, I simply shut down and left the room. I'm grateful H stepped up and called me out on my behavior. How is he suppose to read my mind!? I needed to communicate what was going on and that I was in a raw emotional state at that moment. There is always a speed bump that can easily bump me off the road of my recovery. I'm grateful for the reality check H helped me find. I'm also grateful H was able to recognize this "old path" that we would regular take in the past and put a stop to it before it completely spiraled out of control! Thankful, I came to my senses. We had a good talk about what happened. I started to feel better right away. Although, I tried to do this alone, I need to remember and be reminded that I don't have to do this alone. I have the loving support of family, friends, and my recovery program!!

This morning, I called the doctor to get a prescription to help calm my nerves. As soon as I hear back from the doctor, I will re-schedule the MRI. Then I'll arrange for someone to go with me, as I won't be able to drive home after taking whatever prescription the doctor prescribes. I honestly don't think anything is actually medically wrong with my "brain", but I'll try to go through the steps to confirm that is correct. I suppose I had to take the rough road with this process to experience some of these helpful reminders. I hope I was paying attention and learned what I was suppose too!

"Worry and fear can alter our perceptions until we lose all sense of reality, twisting neutral situations into nightmares."  Courage to Change

Sunday

On Sunday, family and friends gathered to celebrate my Dad's birthday. My sister hosted and cooked. I baked a decadent chocolate cake. Yes, I placed each of those chocolate chips by hand. It took me about 45 minutes. My Dad is a huge chocolate fan! Everything turned out delicious and enjoyed by all.

Life is a whirl wind right now. Some moments it feels like a tornado is trying to rip through my path. So today I'm working hard to stay grounded. The daily reading yesterday provided a new perspective on Detachment for me. Detachment: "Emotionally separating myself from the disease of alcoholism." I know I've read this passage before and each time I read it I'm in a new place and find a different value to the same words. I'm grateful for detachment and being able to use this wonderful tool. I've had to learn and experience detachment in phases. It took me a while to grasp the concept of detachment, but I would hear others share their experiences with detachment with love and remember thinking, I want that.

Some of those phases: Detachment to me is to allow the other person to live their life and make their own decisions. Being aware of what is my business and what is not. Constantly working on those healthy boundaries. Loving another person's best and not fearing their worst. Seeing and loving the person behind the disease. Forgiving myself and others. Letting go of resentments. Building those healthy boundaries helps me not react. Shows me how to find my own serenity.

I look forward to discovering new layers of detachment in my recovery.

"... Detachment is not caring less, it's caring more for my own serenity." -Courage to Change

What are you waiting for?

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do.
So throw off the bow lines.
Sail away from the safe harbour.
Catch the trade winds in your sails.

Explore.
Dream.
Discover."
-Mark Twain

Serenity Prayer

HP grant me the serenity
to ACCEPT the things I cannot change;
COURAGE to change the things I can;
and WISDOM to know the difference.

We discussed the serenity prayer in our meeting last night and all the different ways people have used the prayer. It is such a simple and short, but powerful reminder to me. When I first walked into the rooms of Al-Anon, it was literally information overload for me! I had to focus on taking what I liked and leaving the rest. For the first year, I had to leave a majority of the program in those rooms, until I was ready to take piece by piece and apply to my everyday affairs. What I did take home each week was the Serenity Prayer, hope, and the wonderful energy from the group to survive another day and week. I'm grateful for the Serenity Prayer, hope and supportive wonderful friends in this program that helped me pull myself out of the sticky horrible mud of the family disease of alcoholism I was trapped in.

H and I would verbally box in the "arena" on a daily basis. He wanted me to react and I obliged at every opportunity. As the old patterns continued to repeat themselves week after week, I slowly gained the courage and realized that I could apply the tools I learned in Al-Anon to these situations with H. The Serenity Prayer was one of the first tools I was able to actively say and apply to many situations I wanted to detach and not engage in the unacceptable behavior. It was a slow process, but I slowly started seeing miracles by taking that second or several minutes to stop; breath; and say the Serenity Prayer word for word in those chaos situtations. One day, I realized H was dancing around inside the "arena" all by himself as I stood outside of it realizing I wasn't engaging with the unacceptable behavior from him or myself! I'm grateful for the awareness, acceptance, and action the Serenity Prayer and my Higher Power helped me find and apply to my life.

Blossom

Good Morning! I was able to drag myself out of bed this morning for Bootcamp. Glad I did! It must of been a full moon last night, because it was big and bright on the western horizon for most of our workout before it disappeared.

It's been getting warm, so I'm watering morning and evening. To my pleasant surprise, we have our first cucumber blossom of the season this morning!




In addition, yesterday was a slightly windy day; however, it was really windy up high in the clouds. I was able to capture some of the beautiful formations.

I'm off to work! With it being a holiday, the traffic should be light!


"Real generosity toward the future consists in giving all to what is present." Albert Camus

Acceptance

I’ve really been at peace lately. Gracefully being able to let things go that don’t deserve my energy or more importantly are NONE of my business! In addition, I feel sort of on cruise control with many pieces of my life. I suppose I’m coasting right now. Not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. But I’m going with its ok. It's exactly where I'm meant to be today.

A lot of my thoughts have been around being thankful for what I have and not staring dreamily at the green grass on the other side of that beautiful white fence. I dreamed of what it “could be” for so many years; today, it is a relief to not live every second of my life in that dream mode.

Today I was reflecting on hope. Before Al-Anon I clung desperately to hope through all the chaos and turmoil my marriage went through. That hope was drenched in desire for H to change in a way that would satisfy my wants and dreams. Although I know now, that hope was extremely altered and unhealthy, it was what barely keep us together.

Today, hope has a completely different meaning and perspective. Hope that I will continue to work to be a better person for myself and for all of my relationships. Finding and nurturing that hope within myself first with the help of my H.P., helps tremendously with not only my marriage but all of my relationships.

It is such a wonderful feeling to know that I can find happiness, joy, peace, self-worth, love, and hope through a spiritual connection that works for me. Also to continue to learn to look within myself instead of searching through others to fill these needs. I work on this everyday to the best of my ability. I want and deserve my sanity back. Each moment, hour, and day I’m successful, it continues to give me hope to keep working on it again tomorrow. A beautiful gift is to live in the moment and enjoy what I have and who I am today.

I'm grateful for my recovery that helps me today be ok with how things are because it works for H and me. We continue to work towards building healthy boundaries and sort through the kinks as we go along. Even if our relationship doesn't seem ideal to the outside world, all that matters is it works for us. I believe that we are exactly where we need to be today in our journey.

"My acceptance of this family disease allows me to stop wasting energy fighting a hopeless battle, and to turn instead to sources of genuine help and hope - Al-Anon and my Higher Power.

Alcoholism is stronger than good intentions or genuine desires. I didn't choose this family disease; neither did the alcoholic. So I try to behave with compassion for us both." - Courage to Change