Jab, Cross, Duck!

I feel like I’m standing on the ledge of a cliff right now. I’m smiling, but inside I am feeling the pressure of all the balls I have in the air right now. I use to think I thrived on the thrill of having so much going on!! I have learned that I wasn’t thriving, I was surviving. I was avoiding any and everything hurtful or difficult in my life. I was lashing out and ducking when I could! Old habits are hard to change. Not impossible, but difficult to break that cycle. I’ve also learned that there are many, many cycles and repeat habits I practiced over, and over, and over for YEARS! Many of those cycles and habits were not positive or kind to myself or those around me.

My drive to work averages from 30 to 45 minutes one way, which gives me time to listen to music or think and contemplate the day and my thoughts. The other day I realized it is so easy to get caught in the wind storm of negativity all around us in this world. I sort of stopped watching the news last year, but only here and there to catch the traffic and weather, but when I do watch or read the news it is so riddled with corrupt, violence, and acts done by humans that are unimaginable! I didn’t realize how subconsciously that toxic and poisonous negativity can start to seep into one’s soul, without one even realizing!

I find I am tired and on the verge of being over whelmed when I get caught in that dark storm. My awareness of me entering that storm is much better now days then in the past. But sometimes the dark clouds are overhead before I truly notice and can take action to pull myself out the storm before it sucks me in completely. I have had a few days I just have no motivation or willingness to do anything. Or think positive. The thought of all the items I have put on my plate, becomes overwhelming and paralyzes me. Or I allow it to paralyze me. Similar to what I allowed fear to do to me for so many years. See old habits are tough to crack; I went from one paralyzer to another! On those days, I usually want to pull cloak over my head and hide from the world.

Those days were and can be dark, dark times, and feel like I am in quicksand and sticky mud that continue to pull me down and sink me deeper into that darkness. That's a tough place to be. I lived in that world for a lot of years. 

For me, I had to put a lot of footwork in to drag, scratch, pull, tears, and scream myself out of that muck. Although the storms never go away, they roll in and out of my life constantly. I do have a choice to let the storm get me down, or I can learn to dance in the storm. No matter how dark the situation is or how dark my thoughts are, I do have a choice of how I react and decide to live and how I want to feel in that moment. It is an act of taking the power back!! Taking a moment to put a smile on my face and the more I do that, the more my heart starts smile. I'm on a continuous journey of finding happiness, joy and peace in every moment of my life. How do I do that, I grip onto willingness, my faith, and I work to believe and see the beauty and positivity in the people places and things around me. I know sounds silly, but it really can be that simple. I didn’t believe it at first, but I try to take a deep breath, believe, and open my eyes and heart to see the world in a new perspective that serves me better. It just takes practice and willingness.

Even if I am feeling dark inside, if I can be one spark of light in this dark world, then I have done my part. And you can do the same, find the light within you and let it SHINE! The more of us that reach deep within us to find that inner light, the more we will get rid of the darkness in this world. The Sun always comes up tomorrow.

If I look for Love, I'll find Love.

Another beautiful year has zoomed by! However, I honestly can say this was a beautiful year for me where I worked hard to be in the moment and honestly enjoy the beauty around me. Also a year of taking life by the horns and really taking the power back. Crushing and dissolving my fears left and right. Also accepting and giving myself credit, although I had a lot of change in the last year and I have come a long ways in the last few years; My journey is just beginning!

The first day I walked into the rooms of Al-anon, was on this day, April 13th, six years ago. I will forever remember that date and that one hour I sat in a room filled with a diverse group of people that evening. My only purpose for going to the meeting was to support my dear new friend, who was struggling with an abusive alcoholic marriage and she was seeking answers. However, just after the first 10 or 15 minutes as the chairperson read the opening, I had tears rolling down my cheeks. I had no idea how broken spiritually and emotionally I was, as well as angry and encased in fear. I cried the entire hour and quickly realized, I needed to be in this room too! I also wanted to know what these amazing people had found. I couldn't put words to it, but you could feel the serenity, peace, and happiness from these people! And they were smiling!!? I wanted what they had. Since that pivotal point in my life, I have never looked back, I was ready to change. I am beyond thankful my Higher Power helped guide me to those rooms this specific day. Now don't get me wrong, I had days I questioned what I was getting myself into, of course. In those weak moments, I hung onto my hope and the support of my group to help carry me through those low and difficult times. The group, my sponsor(s), and my willingness to do the footwork in my program, helped me slowly build my confidence, my self-esteem, my self-love, my self-worth, and helped me find compassion and love for other people while detaching and not owning what was not mine, and many, many, many other beautiful blessings. It gave me a fresh new way to look at life. A fresh new way to look at myself and those around me. I'm still healing my deep wounds from the past, but as I have said before, today I know how to mend those wounds so they don't sit open and fester. Instead, if a wound is opened, I can take the time to tend and care for it so it can heal slowly.

This program taught me that I have choices; I can choose fear or I can choose love. More often than not in my past, I quickly choose fear, even after I had the awareness I didn't have to choose fear. It took time to realize in the moment of chaos, that I do have a choice. It takes practice. Today it is easier to accept and take action to choose love. However, I can easily jump on the old wagon of fear! Thankfully, today I know I can jump off that wagon anytime I wish. That is comforting and allows me to give myself some slack that sometimes my path is on that wagon of fear. Gives me an opportunity to learn something or heal another layer of pain through the experience.

"If I look for fear, I'll find fear. If I look for love, I'll find love. Which one do I choose to seek today?" Hope for Today

I am filled with gratitude today. Focusing on remembering to breath, take a deep breath, and look around me with a smile. I want to enjoy the moment! So that is what I am going to do.

Reminiscing

Wow, almost a month has flown by since I wrote my last share. March was a wonderful month. Work was crazy busy. I exercised like a beast. Won the member of the month at the gym for putting in the time and hard work. House sat a few times. Had ever second before, lunch, and after work planned with friends and family. I have realized that my calendar has been quite busy. I did ask myself the other day, what are you avoiding? That was an old habit of mine, when things got difficult at home, I got busy. Filled every second of the day with a task and scheduling to meet up with friends and family. It was my way of "hiding" or avoiding what I didn't want to face.

Fast forwarding to today. All the plans I made for the weekend, fell through and left me with an open calendar. I will be honest late this afternoon I panicked a little! What am I going to do!? Then I took a deep breath and realized, maybe this was a sign that I needed some down time to myself. So what did I do, I started tackling chores around the house that I have been neglected. Ahhh, still avoiding.

So I am taking a moment to reflect and simply exist with myself for a while.

Last week we had an amazing meeting. The chairperson typed up some "today's reminder" quotes from CtoC. It was a new fresh idea for a topic for the meeting. There were so many to choose from, it was hard to pick just one to share about. Naturally, because I thrive on no musts, I picked several to pull from for where I was at that evening.

"Today, when faced with choices, I will opt for the path that enhances my self-esteem." pg 118
Coming to the realization that I have choices, that was a huge light bulb that went on for me. Once I realized I had those choices, it took me a bit longer to find courage to take action that was in the best interest for me and my self-esteem. That didn't happen at first, because I lacked self-esteem, so I really had to work on that next so I could put this reminder to work in my daily life.

"Faith takes practice. I will include my Higher Power in more of my actions and decisions today." pg 59
This one really stood out to me. Six years ago I was lost, hurt, angry, and extremely broken in so many ways, I didn't have a higher power or faith. I simply reacted to those around me and the toxic situations I placed myself into. As I worked the first three steps, I keep hearing I needed to find a Higher Power of my understanding and build a relationship so I could have faith. It took time, in fact years for me to connect with a Higher Power that worked for me. My HP, works for me, I don't fit into a mold or a religious label. That brings peace and serenity to my soul, knowing I can have a Higher Power of my own, that's doesn't have to have a label. Once I made that connection with my HP, I slowly started to learn how to hand things over, and not take them back. I did that a lot, or just hand over the easy pieces, because I knew I had to take care of the difficult items. Boy, I had a lot to learn. Luckily, there was no time frame I had to fit into. I found my faith and it now flows deep. The reminder is correct, it takes practice, everyday. I know the connection with my HP and the courage I collected, is the only reason I was able to make the difficult decision I did last year to end my marriage. To let go of everything I ever knew, even though it was all bleeding me dry. My faith and courage have helped me take my life back. Allowing me to enjoy the beauty around me. Given me the opportunity to surround myself with people that support and accept me for who I am, even as I change. Having that faith and courage, also help me in every action and decision, small or large that I have to make. As simple as letting a car merge in front of me, to decided if I am going to take on a new part time job. I have to invite my Higher Power along for every decision, because time and time again has proven, I mess it up every time I embark out on my own.

I have been working hard to place myself outside my comfort zone every chance I can get. That is SOOOO difficult and I don't like it one bit. However, I am rewarded almost every time I push myself. It is worth the uncomfortableness even if the situation goes well or doesn't, I am making the choice to participate in my life. I sat on the sidelines for so many years, it's difficult and have to remind myself I am in the driver seat now. I am creating my happiness, my courage, my faith, my self-love to help me take each step in the right direction.

My perspective is very different today, than it was six years ago. It is filled with optimism, determination, kindness, eagerness, laughter, courage, and hope. Because my past is a part of me, my old perspective will always try to sneak in when I have my guard down, such as being hungry, angry, lonely or tired. My old fears try to put shackles on me and clogged my mind with the disease of attitude! When I am sinking into those old thinking habits, I have to be gentle with myself and call a friend to help pull me out of that muck.

"Wonderful things can happen today because I welcome the thrill of participating in my own life." pg 70

Today was a holiday at work, so I was able to indulge and sleep in! Then I went and worked out with the amazing group of ladies at the gym at a time I never get to go since I am normally working. Next, went to lunch and a movie with my parents. Finally, spent a little time with an old friend, who was my freshman High School English teacher many moons ago. He has always been an inspiration to me. It was wonderful catching up with him. It is hard to believe several decades have passed since I was in his class! My goal everyday is not to waste another minute of this precious and amazing life! Another blog I follow said it perfectly today, "Laugh at the confusion, live consciously in the moment, and enjoy your life as it unfolds. You might not end up exactly where you intended to go, but you will eventually arrive precisely where you need to be."

Rejection

It was a crazy busy week. I had a new employee start on my team, that we all adore and is doing a fantastic job so far. I assigned my senior employee, who has only been with us for about 8 months, to train the new employee. She is doing an amazing job! I am very proud of my team and filled with gratitude today.

On top of my new employee starting, it was non-stop all week with fires to put out and tasks that popped up. Then my evenings were filled with working out and networking with friends. I have added a few new endeavors onto my plate, in addition to my full time job. I am hopefully both will pay off in providing me with some new experience and some extra income to help pay down debut. We shall see what comes of both.

One evening this week, I had the opportunity to catch up with a dear friend. I love to look back at how people come into my life. Most interesting is examining the intricate weave of how they come to cross paths with me. Also, the time and energy that we both have put into our friendship over the years. An interesting fact about this friend, our ex-alcoholic husband's introduced us. She was struggling with her marriage and going through a difficult time, so I agreed to go to a meeting with her. I had no idea what it was about, but wanted to support a dear new friend that I could relate to what she was going through. I am forever grateful for this friend for helping me walk through the doors of Al-Anon. Both of our higher power's were at work that evening. Bringing us both to the rooms of Al-Anon and creating an instant friendship. At that meeting, I heard what I needed to hear, that I deserved to be happy, there is hope, and that I needed to be in these rooms. After that evening, my life was altered forever and started to change course immediately for the better. Although my change and growth was slow, it was progress. There was hope, acceptance, support, love, peace, and understanding in that first meeting, and every meeting after that, and I wanted more of all of that!!!

I love spending time with friends and sharing about life. There is so much power in sharing. Today I can have an open mind to different perspectives to a situation I might be in and not sure how to proceed. I realized in our sharing this week with my dear friend, that I still am hanging onto the fear of rejection. I am struggling with how to bring up a topic with another friend. I realized the struggle was drenched in old thinking and old layers of my past were seeping through, poisoning my healthy thinking and rational. I never really thought about rejection, but that truly ran deep in my marriage. The discovery of this part of my past brought tears to my heart and eyes, but that was a sign to me that I am ready to heal another layer of my past. I will pray about it and work on my footwork to explore this topic more in attempt to heal more of my soul from the wounds of my past. I will be proud of my scars, as it proves to me that I was stronger than what tried to hurt me.

Perfect Storm

It was a little bit of a roller coaster day. A great morning spent with a dear friend, but then an anxiously anticipated afternoon. Only because of the help and support of my amazing family, I was able to wrap up a final healing and letting go, but daunting task today. H wasn't able to come by to pick up the rest of his "items", for the third time. I needed this completed. So I took the items to a location he asked me too. I am grateful I was able to handle the situation with grace and integrity. However, that shitty committee in my head has been in full session for the last few days in anticipation of this step in the healing process. I am feeling exhausted/drained, but relief, but also overwhelmed that I added this to my already busy schedule. I need to take a step back and breath.

I came across this random quote, not sure who to cite the credit too, but never the less a good reminder to stay in the moment and breath. 

"You can’t calm the storm, so stop trying. What you can do is calm yourself. The storm will pass." ~unknown author

Getting My Hands Dirty!

I can hardly believe it is almost mid October already! As I have mentioned, I made time this fall to plant a garden. I haven't planted a garden in more than a year, or more. I lost track, but it has been to long. It brings me peace and serenity to get my hands dirty. When I tend to my garden, I lose track of time and the world around me. Having the connection with nature is a must in my life. In addition, I am reminded over and over when I neglect this constant connection my recovery suffers.

One of my very first Simply Me posts was about gardening and how I related it to my Al-Anon recovery.  This is still one of my favorite posts.

It is important for me to remember that preparing the soil is the first step to building a successful foundation for my garden's growth. This summer I set my mind that I was going to do a garden this fall. Not only was I excited, but my Mom was thrilled about the idea! She loves to dedicate some of her time in helping with the garden and enjoying the fruits of our labor. We dedicated a weekend to prepare the soil I already had with our magic ingredient. As the day neared, I was ready for an all day undertaking and hard labor to dig, loosen the over year old dirt, and add the amazing horse manure! As in usual fashion, I blow up a situation in my head to a point that it feels daunting to me and I have a thin layer of dread of the task ahead. In the past, I was a master at procrastinating, then blowing things out of portion so when it came down to the wire of completing something, I was an emotional wreak! I look back wondering why I always did that to myself. Also remembering back at the level of anxiety and stress I would put onto my own shoulders. Nonsense! Today, I work hard to not dump that same weight onto my shoulders and heart with the stinking thinking. However, it still amazing me how it can sneak up. Life majority of the time proves to me that the very event or thing I blew out of portion, actually wasn't that bad. It only took us a few hours to loose, turn, and mix the dirt that afternoon. It was tough, but rewarding work. The icing on the cake was spending quality time with my Mom, who I love dearly.

When I get caught up in my stinking thinking those weeds in the garden come out of NO WHERE! I have learned not only through my gardening, but through my program that it is a constant and daily effort to keep everything in line and free of unwanted expectations in order to provide amble room to grow. When I worry about others and what they think of me, my serenity cease to exist. Another factor I have learned is to not plant to many plants next to each other. This will prevent a plant from fully maturing or producing. This can also relate to not planning to many obligations in one day. I can suffer from saying yes to too many events and feeling stretched in too many directions, to ultimately not enjoy any of the activities because I am worried about moving onto the next!

Ok, I am rambling.

After the dirt was perfected, my Mom said, let's plant. It completely took me off guard. I had mentally prepared myself that the dirt portion of the project was going to take all day! Thankfully I have learned to be flexible and find my ability to adapt as things come flying at me. I excitedly pulled out all the seeds I had, made a game plan for both of my above ground planters and the numerous pots. Once we had our road map, we went to work and seamlessly created a master piece garden! My HP must of been proud and pleased with our work, because the next three days we had an unexpected beautiful and plentiful rain storm feed and nourished my garden like nothing else could. ALL of my seeds, except the green onions, came up in less than half the noted time seeds take to sprout. It was a miracle to watch the growth explode through out my garden.

My mind feels a little scattered after this week and I feel my writing is all over the map, but I'm here. Living in the moment. Working to dissolve any of the demons my mind is trying to create. My garden is my escape, my savior when I am in the thick of my stinking thinking. When I start to over analyze something I said or someone else's reaction. I am treading water today with some thoughts of friends. I pray I can find acceptance with the situation and surrender. Because as I can feel the pain from my mind creating a turmoil situation that is possibly ONLY in  my mind! I need to bring more awareness to myself about the situation, accept the situation, then take action if I do indeed need to make amends to others or perhaps myself. Then I have to let it go! My pain lately is through my resistance.

Salad planter - Lettuce, radishes, carrots, and the green onions never sprouted.

Tomato and cucumber

Broccoli - something is eating the leaves

Zucchini!! I think these are my favorite, next to the tomatoes

Brussels Sprouts and Jalapeno, on a stick! LOL

Chocolate Mint! Ahhh... glad to have it back! 

Trying something new, Pumpkins. Beautiful leaves!

Snap peas. Again, I have an invader chopping on the leaves

Another tomato... tamoto

"It is not enough merely to see that we have faults and make vague resolutions to do better. It takes definite effort to make ourselves receptive." The Twelve Steps & Tradition, p. 6.

Corralling My Fears

The fear of doing something wrong or fear of doing something that would cause waves or fear of upsetting someone was a stirring wheel for my life living with someone that drowns in the active disease of alcoholism. Not only could my “mistakes” trigger other people’s unacceptable behavior, it always triggered unacceptable behavior in me towards others and towards myself. I can be cruel and hard on myself more than anyone else in this world. Always thinking and trying to justify why I did what I did or why I thought what I thought. I always felt this need and drive to justify to anyone that would listen. I believe that was also tied to looking for acceptance and emotional availability from others when I didn't have it in myself to begin with. On top of looking for that acceptance and emotional availability in others that were not capable of that availability  It saddens me today to think of all the time and energy I wasted and spent over the years trying to be someone I wasn't because the shiftier continually landed on fast forward fueled with fear. Not having the awareness of all of these feelings and what triggered those unacceptable behaviors would have been the death of me. I’m grateful today; I can reach for that awareness when I’m ready. Remember to breath and become aware of what I’m doing, become aware of what I’m thinking. Start by accepting myself, not searching for that acceptance in others. That is still difficult for me today, accepting myself for who I am right now at this moment. Sure there is a long list of things I would love to better or change about myself. Some of those items I have control over and others I may not. More importantly I need to practice loving the parts and pieces of me that I do like. Focus on those, and the others will seem less important and not quite worth the energy to waste worrying or fretting. Also finding the courage to make a change of what I can. The power of my mind can shift my heart and soul’s attitude toward life, if I’m willing to take a chance to shift my thinking. It takes practice, everyday, and time after time of working to apply new thoughts to replace the fear and to fill my heart with honest of what is important to me and what is not. I made a lot of mistakes and still stumble, but with practice it gets easier. Today I work really hard to do things "right" (whatever that means) the first time, but I also allow myself to make mistakes and then be ok with it. I really have to pull out all my tools and support when I make a mistake because it is easy to fall right back into my old habits of beating myself up to the point of wilting down to nothing or worst to start to lash out at others like a cornered and scared animal. Now when I make a mistake, I am getting better at laughing at the situation and sharing it with others. I can take inventory and work to make that mistake less moving forward. Today I honestly can accept my imperfections and strengths. 

What helped me reach a new level of acceptance in myself? What helped me corral that fear and start to chip away at the false evident appearing real? I started to be honest and truthful with myself. I also started sharing at my meetings and with my sponsor the things that really bothered me that I use to stuff deep within my soul. The acceptance and love that I received from complete strangers, who quickly became dear friends was the best medicine to dissolve fear and anger. To break down the secrets of my life that I did not realize were secrets until I realized they were only in my head and I needed to find my voice in order to find the courage to start living my life with manageability.

Having a healthy level of awareness and acceptance in myself, allows me to be ok with making mistakes. To allow myself the freedom to do the best I can and give a 100%, or not if I can’t, but to do the best I can at that time. I must say it has been very freeing to allow myself the freedom to not be perfect. To have the courage to admit when I am wrong, I never thought I would be capable of honestly and truthfully admitting I was wrong. The power of the disease poisoned my mind to not allow it to be open to other ideas or recognize I might have been in the wrong in a situation. Today, I am grateful my heart and soul are more open to see more clearly the world around me. It truly is a beautiful world, and I am not afraid to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me. 

Reaching for My Tools

I took some risky actions this week, but my intentions were filled with love, compassion, and fear. The topic of the meeting I went to the day I took those risks was about miracles. My miracle that day was I had a choice, I had a voice and I exercised both to take action that no one else was willing to do. I also had tools to help with my fear. By no means did others like my decision and some were even angry with me, but I said my peace and I did the best I could do under the circumstances. Then I had to hear from others that support me that now I have to hand over the outcome to not only my higher power but over to the other person's higher power so they can make their own decision.

I read the following reading the day of my turmoil. It was exactly what I needed to hear at that time. Then followed by an amazing meeting. Miracles. 

"Fear is the energy that activates my character defects. Sometimes my shortcomings lie dormant like a bumper-car ride with the electricity turned off, and I don't even notice them. When I'm afraid, however, my fear acts like a charge that causes the cars (my defects) to start moving. I spend my mental and physical energy running in circles, trying not to get bumped or run over.

What triggers my fear in the first place? Trying to control things over which I have no power is always one reliable switch. How do I disengage it? Using the Serenity Prayer helps me calm down. I make a list, which one column titled 'can change' and another titled 'can't change'. Then I break the problem down into elements and put into the appropriate column. When I'm done, I ask my Higher Power to redirect my energy toward the elements I can change.

Leaving the present and worrying about the future is another trigger. When I feel like my mind is ahead of my body, it helps to refocus on my body, and my mind often follows. I remind myself to let go and let God handle the things in my 'can't change' column. I focus on what I'm doing at the present moment: I am washing my hair; I am cooking dinner; I am driving my car. I might feel silly, but I'm willing to do what I can to bring myself back to the present moment. Such action sets the tone for a more serene and grounded day.

Thought for the Day
My fear is a natural human emotion for which there are many triggers. Al-Anon tools help me sort out and turn off the source for each one of them.

'My fears about alcoholism can keep me thinking in circles. The program helps me break their hold on my mind.' Alateen a day at a time p. 144" ~ Hope for Today p. 228

It never gets easier to see someone you love deteriorate in front of your eyes. Fear is a natural human emotion as the Hope for Today reading shared. Fear and anger were main drivers in my life when I came into Al-Anon. Through my program I am learning what my triggers are that turn on both my fear and anger. Over the past few years, I still have both of those emotions, and that is ok. However, the triggers have changed and shifted. My fear prior to Al-Anon shaped and dictated my life.  I was dying inside, emotionally and spiritually empty. The energy I excreted to live other people's lives for them, was exhausting and futile. The illusion of control feed my fear. As I started the journey to find a connection with a higher power of my understanding, I slowly started to find faith in myself and in living my own life. Piece by piece I replaced the fear with faith through learning the truth of what I could and could not control. As I build courage, I realize there are times when it is important to make a stand and send the message that enough is enough. Forming those boundaries and communicating those boundaries with compassion. I called out and my message was heard across the land. Even though my message was heard, the one it was meant for may have heard it, but this individual has to be willing to take their own action. I will continue to pray a decision is made to head in the right direction for their safety.

Looking back as I worked through if I should take the risk with the decision I was going to make. I believe in a subconscious way I was making a list of things I "can change" and the things I "can't change". I truly believe everything will happen the way it was suppose to happen, as long as I stay out of the way and only do my part.

I'm grateful today that my energy is not expended on stuffing my feelings, focusing on distractions that avoid my feelings and pain, and not acknowledging the reality around me. These can all be difficult to not do and when I am tired fear can easily trigger those bumper cars (my defects) and I can fall back into those wasted energy voids. Although I had fear this week of the choices I made, I knew the choices I made were the right thing to do. My fear this week was different, it was fear and dread that I might say something I didn't mean. So it was crucial for me to live in the moment and speak my truth, but not say it in a mean way. 

Gentle Reminder

I stumbled across this blog today with the beautiful reminder below. Exactly what I needed to read today.

You are strong…
when you take your grief and teach it to smile.

You are brave…
when you overcome your fear and help others to do the same.…
You are happy…
when you see a flower and are thankful for the blessing.

You are loving…
when your own pain does not blind you to the pain of others.

You are wise…
when you know the limits of your wisdom.

You are true…
when you admit there are times you fool yourself.

You are alive…
when tomorrow’s hope means more to you than yesterday’s mistake.

You are growing…
when you know what you are but not what you will become.

You are free…
when you are in control of yourself and do not wish to control others.

You are honorable…
when you find your honor is to honor others.

You are generous…
when you can take as sweetly as you can give.

You are humble…
when you do not know how humble you are.

You are thoughtful…
when you see me just as I am and treat me just as you are.

You are merciful…
when you forgive in others the faults you condemn in yourself.

You are beautiful…
when you don’t need a mirror to tell you.

You are rich…
when you never need more than what you have.

You are you…
when you are at peace with who you are not.

The Beast Within

I can remember sensing and seeing the Beast crawling underneath his skin, trying desperately to rear its ugly head. Although the Beast within was a part of him, I was not able to separate the man from the Beast. I had lost all compassion for both. I can remember the efforts I made, the energy spent in attempt to wrangle that monster and prevent it from coming to the surface. I would drown in a sea of overwhelmed emotions in an attempt to manipulate the situation, choking with anger and fear while having the false impression I knew the best choice to make in each situation. All of this in an attempt to avoid the paralyzing fear that came when the Beast rose to the surface. Alcoholism is the ugly Beast slowing taking over the man within.

The Beast still rumbles under the surface, craving and itching to rise to bring down the man it lives within, the world, and the people around it to satisfy its shame, guilt and grief. Although the Beast still has an active presence, the frequencies of the visits have lessened. I contribute some of the decline partially to my new choices to take back the power over my feelings and reactions I use to so easily hand over to the Beast. Also just as powerful in keeping the Beast at bay, are the choices that the man has made to keep the Beast in check. It is said that the disease of alcoholism cannot be cured but it can be harassed and put in check to live a fulfilled life. I truly believe that, partly because I have personally known friends that have many years of recovery and sobriety. Another perspective are the ones that have not found help or have not made the choice to connect with their HP to find a way to live a fulfilled life while living with the disease of alcoholism. Or another perspective, which is my reality, when the man struggles and works hard to make better choices to live a better life while still having the inner struggle with the Beast, without help and fighting the war alone. That Beast is always going to be there, temping and rippling under the surface, but it can be tamed and put to bed, if the man is willing to reach out for help.

I find it fascinating when the Beast does explode from the surface I personally react differently then I have in the past. Also, I realized that perhaps I do not even realize or acknowledge when the Beast arrives and tries to take down the world around me. Again, I am not giving the Beast power over me. In the past I can remember it would instantly trigger defensive behavior and an energy that was completely devoted to wrangling the Beast back to its den. My thoughts, feelings, and energy would be completely dedicated to that effort for days; simply exhausting and always proved ineffective. The manipulation through my words and actions, mixed with fear and pain as a result of the choices the Beast would make during those visits. The illusion of control and denial state I lived in that I could of actually wrangled the Beast, looking back that was absolutely absurd and part of what made me insane.

When I finally learned that I needed to wrangle my own fear and anger, this realization helped me become aware of my own actions and choices. It was life changing to come to realization that I needed to focus on myself instead of the Beast or the man. After finding this awareness, I slowly learned that I was allowing the Beast to run my life. Not only did my realization help me be aware of what made me who I am, but also a new found compassion for the Beast that allowed me to learn to love the man that was closely connected but separate from the monster. Although I still take precautions to protect myself from the Beast, who as I said ripples below the surface today, I work hard to no longer let it hurt or paralyze me with fear. That is a choice I make.

 

A New Chapter

Wow, yesterday was quite the day! Where do I begin?! First, I survived, barely. I started the day working hard to keep my nerves calm and my mind quiet. I knew it was going to be a day I needed to be gentle with myself. When faced with a tough and difficult decision, in the past I would of avoided the situation at all cost and danced around it as long as possible to avoid the fear of making the tough decision to move forward or not, facing the possibility of rejection or out lash of someone else not agreeing with my decision, or fearing that I was making the right decision, if I didn't make a decision I didn't have to worry about the results of my decision. Clear as mud, right? This fear would simply paralyze me. I lived in that fear bubble far to long. Yesterday I summoned up the courage to do the right thing for me and my career. That action was to respectfully resign from my current position. I had a professional letter prepared and met with my boss, who I will call D, right before lunch. I genuinely appreciate the opportunities I was provided at this organization. In addition, I am grateful that I was able to find work so quickly after being laid off over two years ago during a tough time in our society. However, there were some daily challenges with D that I had to really work my program to get through each day. There were many, many opportunities for me to look in the mirror and learn something about myself when interacting with D.

After reflecting and looking back at the last two years and two months I've worked at my employer, I've experienced and learned a lot in a short time. Here are some examples; I've gained some invaluable work experience, I've learned how to apply professional and personal boundaries in the work place, I've learned what kind of person not to be, I've learned that if I ever decide to go into a management position I will not lead based on fear, I'm grateful for the friendships I've created and I will cherish these amazing ladies that will continue to be in my life, I reconfirmed that I am not a cold and uncaring person but undoubtedly a genuine and caring person about those around me (whether I like you or not), that despite my preparation I can still be blown away and affected by another person's inappropriate reactions to a situation (but I have a choice to not own that inappropriate and unacceptable behavior of that other person and let it go), I learned that no matter how amazing your co-workers are and no matter how much they supported me, unless my manager respects and recognizes my hard work I will not have the opportunity grow within my position or the organization.

The day ended that I would not be working the next two weeks and yesterday would be my final day. I admit, I didn't see that coming. I'm a bit shocked I didn't anticipate that reaction. I had been mentally preparing myself that I would be working hard for the next two weeks to help make the transition go smoothly to help the other ladies in the office. However, I was denied that opportunity. It saddens me that D felt that it was the best practice to let me go immediately. I made sure to inform D, that I hope she knew that I had more integrity and professionalism to work hard for the next two weeks to benefit the organization and not sabotage it. The ridiculous thought process that I would sabotage the organization is absurd. That is just not in my character. If you don't know that, then you don't know me. I believe that simply because the decision for me to leave was not on D's terms, this was the back lash. Fine. Fine. Honestly, I believe it truly is going to be a blessing in disguise for me to have the next couple of weeks off to help clear my mind for my new chapter in my life. In my opinion, D sabotaged the organization with the decision to let me go yesterday.

As the quote I previously posted by Sir WiIlliam Osler said, "...In danger, in adversity, cling to your principles and ideals."

I clung to my principles and ideals yesterday through each tough moment. The serenity prayer was on my mind all day! I was able to walk each difficult situation with grace, poise, professionalism, and dignity. I feel that I was able to be the bigger person and although I was upset by D's reactions, again, I didn't have to own her petty and ridiculous reactions to a professional situation. I was respectfully and professional, and that's all I can do. A piece of me is sad at how broken this individual is to react in such a petty way. However, I have to remind myself I can't change it, I didn't cause it, and I can't cure it! Therefore, I made the choice to move on with my life and career to ensure that I can continue to keep my sanity and serenity on a daily bases. What a relief to find, and apply, that courage and strength to walk across the broken glass for a day. It was worth it! I feel lighter and relieved to be on the other side.

The other piece of this situation that was plaguing my mind, was if H was going to be upset. Why I still insist on projecting in this department, I will never know. I have to continue to work on that everyday. I must say after having a conversation with H, I was relieved with his support and love with the entire situation.

Today was an amazing day! I woke up with the pups I'm house sitting all snuggled against me. The three of us actually slept in! I hardly ever get to sleep in, so that was a nice start to the day. I had mapped out last night two Al-Anon meetings for today! One was a new one that I've never attended and the second one I've been to several times. The first meeting topic was "Where am I today?" It was a small but amazing meeting! I really felt the power of this program and my Higher Power at work for me to hear exactly what I need to hear today. I'm in a good place today and I'm grateful for each experience, good and bad, that have occurred that helped me be who I am today. I felt at peace after the meeting and sat in my car deciding what the next step in my day was going to be. I couldn't decide, so I just started to drive and ended up at the local nail place I like to go too. I ended up being the only person in the entire shop, so the gal that was doing my pedicure and I laughed and joked the entire time. I had so much fun! Plus, pedicures have become one of my favorite past times. The best part I wasn't watching the time and when I was done heading out the door, I noticed that I had just enough time to make it to the second meeting I had planned for the day! The topic for that meeting was Self-Esteem. After listening to everyone share, I realized that yesterday was evidence of my growth not only in my recovery as a whole but in building my self-esteem! I am gradually learning how to live my life with poise and serenity around each corner.

I will be starting the next chapter in my life on Monday, August 13th! I'm looking forward to the new position, new team, new organization, and working for a dear wonderful friend again! Lots of change on the horizon, but I'm ready and willing! I'm grateful that the past is the past, and I don't have to worry about the future, as I'm living today in the present.