You Can Do Anything But Not Everything

If I am completely honest with myself, life it truly amazing and I am beyond blessed today!! I continue to try hard to put myself in situations that are outside my comfort zone to help me grow, stretch, and expand myself while using the tools I am learning. I admit there are days I cringe with uncomfortable awkwardness in certain situations or even just the thought of putting myself in a situation. I am just grateful it is progress not perfection. I also try to hand it over to my HP to aid me in doing and saying the right thing.

Over time as I become more aware of my journey and what is going on within my life, I realize I have to work hard to pay attention to what messages my Higher Power has to offer me as I become ready for those messages. There are times when I continue to be bombarded with a specific message. Generally, I interpret that as something I should be really paying attention to OR I have not been paying close enough attention to hear the message, so my HP has to repeat it MULTIPLE times before, I pause, think to myself, "Hey, I keep seeing and hearing this same message.... I should probably pay attention and think about this." That has been me the last few weeks. I keep tossing new tasks and events onto my plate, without subtracting anything. I just keep adding. Typical behavior for me. It is something I have repeated over, and over, and over again for years. The competitive side of me comes out that is eager to "win" and prove those that doubt or criticize are wrong! But also the other side of my competitive side to prove to myself I can do it!! Also I convince myself that I am happiest when I am doing "ALL THE THINGS"!!! Since a little girl, I didn't feel like I was living life to the fullest unless I was cramming as many things, events, and thoughts into one day as I could! I know I inherited this trait from my dear Mother, who does the same thing. We run with this mentality for as long as we can, until we crash and burn. We stand up, whip ourselves off, and do it all over again. With that said, since I have brought more awareness of who I am and what makes me tick, I have tried to find a balance of fitting in all the things that I love to do. To focus on the people, places, and things that bring me pure happiness. To shift my energy on important items, instead of trying to spread myself thin to satisfying all of the people, places, and things around me! Let's just say, although I have the awareness, it is a work in progress, everyday. This cramming everything into every second of my life is second nature to me. In order to break that life time pattern, I have to be AWARE of it all the time. I'll be honest, that is exhausting in it's self!! So I feel it is a double sided sword! ***Big Sigh***

Ok, I feel that I am rambling.

Let me try to re-focus here.  The message that has been popping up in different ways is, "You can do anything, but not everything!" That does a good job of summarizing the different messages that have come across my path the last couple of weeks. I need to remember to breath in my gratitude and faith, while exhaling my fear and doubt of myself.

I worked hard this weekend, to take a few minutes out for myself to just relax. Not stress or focus on the "task list" that is a mile long. But to just exist and sit with myself. That is very difficult for me to sit still and not have my mind race a hundred miles an hour. To allow myself to meditate and pray. There was an hour or so that I accomplished this, the rest of the time was spending quality time with friends, family, and conquering one of the toughest mountain peaks in southern AZ, Picacho Peak!

Here a few photos from our hike:

Cables to help steep trail

View from half way up - Clouds looked like waves

We conquered the Peak!

Steep crevasse on the trail... terrifying part of the trail... also caused traffic jam

Flowers blooming

One of the views from the top

Onto a another tanget... A dear friend, asked me a question the other day that really provoked some thought. The question was if today was my last day on this earth, did I do it right? My initial thought was yes, I have lived a blessed life and I did the best I could with the tools I have. Then, as usual there was a nagging thought, that no I didn't do it right. There are some thoughts that have been unspoken lately in my heart. I would regret not speaking those if it was my last day. I need to ask my questions and inquire to this friend, but I am paralyzed by fear. Terrified of rejection. Same shit different day. There are so many layers, upon layers of these toxic thoughts and behaviors that I practiced for so many years, I say a prayer that my HP will continue to give me courage and the strength to continue walking this journey forward. To help free my heart from these toxic behaviors that don't serve me well anymore.

Tears come to my eyes today, which tells me my heart is open. I am continuing to heal through the friendships and fellowship I work hard to build and nurture. I am sure I am not doing it perfectly, but I am giving my all; heart and soul to those that mean the world to me. I feel at a cross road in a few areas of my life. I have been at this intersection before; however, the view is very different this time around. The signs are different. The air is clearer. The beautiful clouds are puffy, white, and filled with beauty. While the sun shines bright. The invitation to take a leap of faith down any of the paths is there and inviting, I just have to step forward and try one. Where as in the past, this intersection was dark and toxic, with dark and dangerous storms rolling through, making the visibility almost zero. It was a terrifying place to sit. In fact, I usually went back the way I came and avoided that interection for years.  Getting back to today and the different more sunny view of the intersection, I am grateful for my pause, I don't have to choose which road today. I am not quite ready. It is more inviting and I don't feel I need to retreat and turn my back. I am close and want to be willing. I will continue to do the best I can right now, with my willingness and connection with my HP, I will find the courage and strength to make a decision.

I know I have been vague in my share. But there are so many examples, I don't even know where to begin. Here are a few of the vehicles that sit at this intersection... relationships, business adventures, education, my life style, my home... to name a few. The beauty of this journey, I have been able to put aside much of the garbage I insisted on focusing on, so today I have time to focus on the productive and REAL growth. However, it is terrifying, but I know will be rewarding beyond my imagination.

I will pray for focus. "I can do anything, but not everything"

Miracles of Willingness, Determination, & Hope

I have shared a little that I have been on a journey to become healthier, physically. This week I reached a new goal!

I don’t know about you all, but I have always struggled with my self-image. I never really saw the real “me” in the mirror. The view of myself was a twisted distorted image that my mind created, and it hasn't always been pretty or kind. I woke up this past week with a smile and when I looked in the mirror, I saw a real new me. It brings tears to my eyes as I type this… For years I allowed others to beat me down, which in turn I beat myself down every chance I could get. I had low self-esteem and was a chameleon to whoever I was with. It is a struggle to break that type of pattern, to break free to be my own person. If you have been following my blog, you know my general story, so I won’t go into all that. However, I am living proof that with just a little willingness, determination, and hope, I can reach new places and ways of living that I never thought imaginable.

I am beyond proud of the hard work I have put into rebuilding my character, my spirit, and my body!!

It has been a long road; I had to first start with my character and spirit, which has been a 6 year journey. (And I am not done yet; I still have some work to do... It's the journey not a destination!) Once I started healing the inside, then I could start working on the outside, which I have also been working on about that same time frame, but really buckled down the last 5 months.

I weighted and measured this last week as I wrapped up my second 30 day challenge with Isagenix and working out with my local Iron Girlz gym! My amazing results… **drum roll** I am down an additional 11.2 lbs and 8 inches!!! I am PUMPED!!!  My goal was to lose 10 lbs and 10 inches in my second challenge. I would have to say that is pretty damn close to my goal and I am proud of my achievement.

So the overall count since I really buckled down and started this journey in September 2014, I am down a total of 28.2 lbs and 36.75 inches. I could not have accomplished this by myself, I have an amazing support group of friends and family that I am forever grateful too!


**If you are interested in more information about Isagenix and/or Iron Girlz and what each has done for me, message me and I can share more with you. Thank you!

Keep It Simple

"The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak." ~Hans Hofmann

Journey of Discovery & Recovery....

I had an amazing weekend! It was filled with self-care, laughter, quality time with friends and family, hiking a new trail, warm sunny spring weather, chores crossed off the list, and some delicious food!

Hiked a trail at the base of Picacho Peak

Not only was my weekend filled with wonderful events with friends and family that make my heart smile, but I came to some big realizations in my healing process. This week I came to a new layer of healing and letting go, that I didn't even realize would exist. Over the last 6 or 7 months after making my decision to get a divorce, I have been working to live life to the fullest. I also have been working little by little to heal my heart, my spirit, my soul, my confidence, and my outlook on life. I am blessed to have amazing people in my life to help me walk this journey of discovery and recovery. Having the awareness of myself and the world around me is an extremely powerful tool to continue to heal the layers of my pain and hurt that I subjected myself to for years.

This week I discovered that what little love I had left for H, is no longer. The lingering love was tied to a little guilt and doubt that I maybe gave up on our relationship. I know without a doubt I tried everything I had control over to make that relationship work. I took my time and did not make any hasty decisions. I worked to heal myself and re-build my character so I could be a better person for that marriage, and for myself. However, H was not in the same place to reach for that healing within himself and to get help to better himself. A dear friend of mine always shares with me that she knows I will always love him and have a special place in my heart from him. I thought that to be true, until recently. I have come to a point that I can completely let H go, including my broken lingering love for him. Now don't get me wrong, I will always care for his well being and pray he finds happiness and peace within himself. This recent discover might seem cold and uncaring, but honestly it was another weight off of my heart to hand that broken love over my Higher Power to take and do what needs to be done with it, for I no longer am in need of it. I find it peaceful and freeing to let another piece of my past go. I see it as one more piece of the puzzle coming together to build a more clear picture of who I am today. I find that simply amazing! 

Another piece of my recovery I have struggled with is I try to hard with my relationships. When I look at my past, I did everything I could to fit into everyone else's life. Then the resentments would pile up at my doorstep because I was making all the effort, however, on the flip side many of these people were not a part of MY LIFE! But did I really know what my life consisted of at that time? Not really. Anyhow, I know now, that I did that to myself. I built a situation where I tried to maintain relationships with people that were one sided, and had either no interest in being a part of what was important to me or incapable of being a part of my life. Today being just me, doing my own footwork and striving for that happiness within myself, is a daily workout for me. I have many friends that I care about and want to be a part of their lives. If it is meant to be, I will do my part, but then let it go from there and let the other person do their part and effort. Not sure if that all makes sense, but I suppose the reading today in Courage to Change really sparked this struggle in my heart today. Something I will continue to pray about and work on.

"It is unrealistic to expect everyone to like me. With such an expectation; I set myself up to fail and give myself an excuse to blame that failure on others. I can't change other people, but I can change my own attitudes. I can let go of my rules about how others should feel about me. When I am disappointed in another's response, I can make an extra effort to be kind, warm, and loving to myself. I am lovable just the way I am."

I also feel this struggle of mine ties into being able to communicate my needs. What are my needs? "I want" versus "I need"... Perhaps I need to try starting out my conversation, "I would like..."  I will have to work on this. More will be revealed.

Self talk

I am currently taking a communication class for a few weeks. It's about communicating with compassion and nonviolence. I have read the preface and the first page of chapter one... And already blown away by this author's words. Thought provoking and hitting home. 

"I became aware that by ignoring my own needs for such a long time I was inflicting violence upon myself, and I intended to deflect that violence toward others." Thomas D'Ansembourg from Being Genuine

I look forward to this continued journey of self improvement and learning how to find a way to communicate nonviolently with myself and others.  I do have needs. But I need to figure out what those needs are, and then I can communicate those needs to others. Next be able to compromise with others for a mutual acceptance that works for all parties.