Maturity

Sunset in Maui

"Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings." Step seven is about humility which to me is self-acceptance. I am slowing coming to the reality, one day at a time, that I'm not all powerful and not in control of everything and everyone around me. It has been quite a journey learning who I am and learning to accept the limitations that are part of who I am. I'm grateful to be ready to let go of my self-will and hand it over to my Higher Power, of my understanding. I still need to do my part, but to put that acceptance to work by believing in a power greater than myself and be willing to be free of the excess baggage that I've picked up over the years.

I came to a new realization today about step seven. Not only is it about humility and self-acceptance, it's about maturity! If you had asked me years ago if I thought I was mature, I would have told you absolutely! I have been told since I was young that I'm mature for my age. On many levels, it was very true that I was more mature than my actual age. However, I developed coping mechanisms to deal with the family disease of alcoholism, which in turn helped me justify behaviors towards myself and others that were not very mature.

While working this step (and the previous six steps), I realized I had found a new layer of true maturity. I can handle constructive criticism today without taking it personally. In these situations I can be aware of the opportunity to learn something new and see a new perspective or learn to respectfully speak up for myself if the person delivering the criticism is way off in left field. Taking responsibility for my actions, and my actions only. Be genuinely happy for others when they have reached an important achievement, big or small, without trying to steal their thunder. Learning to listen to others with respect and my month shut, even if my point of view is completely the opposite! These are huge accomplishments for me as I would feel the need in the past to do the complete opposite in an attempt to survive. But today, I can ask my HP for help and be willing to take that step to surrender my self-will. I'm willing to continue to work with my HP, of my understanding, to be willing to change the bonds of the old and unhealthy behaviors that try to shackle my character defects.

"Serenity is not freedom from the storm but peace within the storm." unknown source

Taking the First Step

When I walked into the rooms of Al-Anon, I quickly realized there was hope and support that I could tap into. As I always did, I jumped in feet first and tried to absorb as much as I could, bought just about every piece of literature and collected all the pamphlets! Just as quickly, I became overwhelmed and was drowning in information. Thankfully, I keep coming back each week to find that hope and support. Today I am thankful I have a lot of the literature, because slowly each day I can dig deeper and have an appreciation for the power of hope and insight that is waiting for me in the literature.

The first year of my program I only had the strength and attention span to read occasionally the daily reading from Courage to Change. Meaning, it didn't happen every day, but when I could I would simply open the book up to a random page or I would try to identify what I was feeling at the moment and pick a page out of the index to read. This was extremely important to my recovery and helped me build my self-esteem to take new and scary steps in my program to continue my growth.

I felt it was important early on that I found a sponsor, I didn't quite understand how the details worked, but felt I needed that extra support and guidance. I instantly connected with a fellow Al-Anon member and wanted the recovery she spoke about and practiced in her everyday life. When something is outside of my comfort zone, I need accountability to keep me in line. I don't attribute this to lack of self-discipline or laziness, because those are not descriptions of who I am. However, if there is something tough or challenging that I could easily substitute with something not as tough or challenging, I would usually take that road. Sometimes that is ok and works just fine. However, since my life had become unmanageable, it was time to make some changes in myself that would require me to walk the tough and challenging road.

My first sponsor was exactly what I needed to keep me accountable and honest with myself. She encouraged me to take steps into my uncomfortable zone and would support me every step of the way until that part of the zone became manageable in my mind. It was a gradual and healthy dance we had in that first year of my recovery. I'm forever grateful for her support and gentleness as I realized and started to believe I was powerless over the disease of alcoholism. She was a crucial part in helping me find and understand that there was a  power greater then myself that could restore me to sanity. This was a huge struggle for me as I don't have a specific "religion" that I believed or practiced. Thankfully, I learned this program has nothing to do with religion and I had the choice to chose a spiritual power greater than myself and of my understanding. For a long time my home group and horses were my higher power, until I could build and connect with what is my higher power today. The slogan, take what you like and leave the rest, I used this slogan daily in my readings and in the meetings I attended when the word God was used. It stirred up all sorts of feelings I didn't realize where there, such as the front runner, don't try to shove that word down my throat!!! My, my, I would say to myself. Why the anger and what HUGE walls you are building. Then I could laugh at myself and realize, ok I wasn't ready for that so I'll leave that portion until I'm ready. Now I can respect those around me that make the choice to use the word God and respect that it is just that, a word. I prefer to use the term, Higher Power in place of God for my journey. The best part is I now realize I have that choice and practice that choice.

Now that I have a relationship with a Higher Power of my understanding, I could work through that my self-will wasn't working for me any more and wasn't bringing the serenity I wanted. So I practiced and learned how to let go and made the decision to turn my will over to my Higher Power. I'll be honest with you, I struggled with this on a daily bases. It was difficult to admit that my thinking had become distorted and that I was making decisions that resulted in actions I wasn't proud of. Being a control freak, I couldn't COMPLETELY let go, I would take portions of what I let go back, time after time. Needless to say, that wasn't working out very well for me. Today, I can willingly give more and more of my will over to my Higher Power and leave it there without taking portions of it back. A tool that helped me with this lesson was saying and applying the Serenity Prayer. I would recite the prayer every chance I could get, especially before I made any decision, big or small, to make sure I was changing the things I can. 

I still use this tool today to help me stay focused and pay attention to what I can change, which is myself.

I feel like that only scratches the surface of the wonderful growth that my first Sponsor helped me find within myself. Again, I'm forever grateful for her love, support, and continued friendship today. Just under a year ago, I felt I had out grown my first Sponsor. I'm not convinced I handled the transition as smoothly as I could have in letting my first Sponsor know I was moving on in my recovery, but I know she still loves me, supports me, and is still a friend today. So I don't beat myself up over the transition.

In a future posting I'll share my continued journey with taking a moral and fearless inventory of myself with my new sponsor.

Keeping the Weeds in Check

I realize you might not know my entire story, so please bare with me as bits and piece arise in my posts. One day at a time…. Some days I would more realistically say, One moment at a time. :0) 

One of my passions is gardening. I find peace, serenity, and a lot of accomplishment in planting my own garden. It is a lot of work, but worth every second of my effort. Another benefit I gather from my gardening is I can relate a lot of my recovery work in Al-Anon to every aspect of my gardening hobby.

Gardening is in my blood. My Grandpa was an avid gardener with two green thumbs. He had the skill and energy to grow anything. I can remember as a child spending time in his garden. My Grandpa's passion of gardening was passed onto my Mom, who continues to share with me today helpful tips, ideas, and her own time in my garden. I always felt a strong connection with plants and nature. Sadly, I lost that connect for many years as I became engrossed with my husband’s disease of Alcoholism. Only realizing in the last few years that was what I was focusing on. Today, as I learn to take back and be responsible for my own life and let others live there’s, I have the time to garden again.

In fact, it’s that time of year to plan for a Fall garden! This Fall I’m going to try some new plants I’ve never tried before. I’m doing my homework and researching the plants that would grow best in the zone I live in. I will keep you posted what I decide to plant. Planting successfully is also about timing. I believe this is also important in my own recovery, I have to be willing and prepared to pay attention to the lessons around me. If I'm not ready for a lesson, I will most likely miss it the first couple of times it is presented to me. However, it will continue to show up until I'm ready to see the lesson, learn the lesson, and move forward.

I take great care in preparing the soil I’ll be planting the seeds. I relate a lot of this prep work to understanding the Al-Anon program and the tools available to me. Then applying the tools, the best I can, to my everyday affairs. After spending a beautiful afternoon planting the seeds, I draw a detailed diagram of what I planted and where. Otherwise, I’ll forget what is growing! Again, I feel it’s important for me to journal to myself during my recovery to reference and recognize my growth. Also to be proud of what I have accomplished, no matter how big or small I view that accomplishment.

A dear friend shared a quote with me, “Pray for a good harvest, but grab a hoe!” That is wonderful advance! I will do the best I can to provide my garden with all the tools it needs to grow, but honestly the actual growing of the seeds is out of my control and I need to hand it over to my Higher Power (of my understanding, not someone else). Tugging at the leaves is not going to make the plant grow faster!

Next, the garden hoe will help me maintain what I’ve worked so hard for and keep the “weeds” cleaned up. The weeds easily relate to my character defects that sprout and grow quickly like a weed does! It’s easy to let them get out of hand and not take the time to acknowledge, learn, and maintain my character defects. “Weeding represents continuation, as you shape the garden into a reflection of your relationship with the plants living there. “ Quote from Herb Companion. This quote says a lot to me. By taking the actions to keep my side of the street cleaned up and maintained to the best of my ability, I become a reflection of that peace and serenity I start to feel by minding my own business. By taking care of myself I'm inadvertently helping all of my relationships around me, human and plants.

Also, the article references to the ease at how weeds can sprout overnight! This is so true, if I get caught up in the gossip in my head and focusing on someone else’s life, those weeds have completely taken over my garden and started to suffocate my serenity. The good news is the world will not come to an end because these weeds have popped up. As long as I take the time to focus on why those weeds (my character defects) popped up so quickly and stay focused on my side of the street, I can get back on track. Giving me the opportunity to use the tools I’ve learned in my program to get back on my feet and start getting the weeds back in check.