Losing My Dad

Everyone has been through a lot in different ways. Happiness, Hurt, Tragedy, Love, Failure, Success... Loss of a loved one. Through my experience I have learned how I come out on the other side of each situation depends on my mindset and how I choose to react. Thank goodness I'm allowed to make mistakes, as I don't always have the right mindset or react the way I had hoped. But I keep trying everyday to improve and remember to be kind to myself and those around me. I also learned over the years that embracing my vulnerability and openly sharing, is one of the strongest ways to help me heal when my heart aches. So here it goes, it's been quite the emotional roller coaster.

Memorial weekend, my Dad passed away. Let's just say, he is no longer in pain and is now watching over us in spirit.

Those that knew my Dad, understand he was a private man that loved and was devoted to his family. Family not only meant my Mom, my Sister and I, but our close dear friends that we chose as our family. You know who you are. We were all very close, open, honest and loved each other with all of our hearts. There is a void in our hearts, and that void will be there forever. I know Dad is now at peace, so I'm grateful for that. Time, and supporting each other, will help us live on, heal, and ease the tears.

I remember in grade school one of my assignments was to write about my hero. Without hesitating I wrote about my Dad. He has always been my hero. I know I have that report somewhere and will share more when I find it. As a kid, he was always there to hold my hand, engulf me in a hug, catch me when I fell, and always had a way to make me smile and laugh. Even as an adult, he provided the same support and more! I loved that he lived his life with humor and silliness every chance he could get! He touched so many people with his humor and knowledge. There are many, many, many wonderful memories of my Dad. I will remember and hold each of them close to my heart. I am beyond grateful over the years my family has taken many pictures of those we love every chance we get. There are so many wonderful memories that I had forgotten about... but looking through old pictures has helped take me back to that moment in time! Priceless.

This quote is very true...
"The days will always be brighter because he existed. The nights will always be darker because he's gone. And no matter what anybody says about grief, and about time healing all wounds, the truth is, there are certain sorrows that never fade away until the heart stops beating and the last breath is taken." ~unknown

I love you Dad!

Recurring Grief Surrounded with New Life

Lettuce & Radishes

The weather has been simply amazing! Nature is teasing us with the wonderful fall weather to come. The weather forecast notes we are to warm up again for the next several weeks, but hopefully we can start cooling off sometime next month. We had several days this week of cool, steady raining weather. With my amazing Mom's help, we prepared the dirt and planted most of my fall garden last Saturday afternoon. The timing could not of been more perfect. The next several days after that we had steady and beautiful amazing raining days. Some of the veggies we planted are; carrots, several varieties of lettuce, variety of radishes, green onions, cucumbers, several kinds of tomatoes, broccoli, brussels sprouts, zucchini, chocolate mint, pumpkins, and snap peas. Our magic ingredient has always been horse manure mixed with our soil! Along with the nature nurturing rain, my seeds are sprouting like crazy in half the time it normally takes for them to germinate!! Example the pumpkin seeds normally take 10 - 15 days to germinate; however, mine came up in 3 1/2 days! Simply amazing and truly a miracle. A combination of my Mom and my hard work and nature. We have definitely been in sync to a wonderful start to my fall garden, and I'm forever grateful for that. 

Tomato

My garden - combination of raised beds and pots 

Pumpkin seed after 3 1/2 days after planting! 

Zucchini after 3 days.

I feel very blessed with everything in my life right now. Hope you enjoy the photos of my garden, I'm very proud of it and the hard work that goes into nurturing and maintaining a healthy garden.

What always shakes my world even in the depths of my gratitude is grief. It does shake my world and tries to shatter my soul. I pulled out Opening our Hearts,Transforming my Losses book in an attempt to find the key to my sadness today. Although I don't have the exact answer, I can remember to try to live my way into the answers instead of trying to force solutions. I would like to share the passage I read that helped me put things into perceptive at this moment from Opening our Hearts,Transforming my Losses.  

The recurring nature of grief
'I am invited to grieve with every change in life. Often I ignore the invitation, deciding the particular change is 'no big deal', or telling myself, 'I can handle this.' Sometimes the culmination of all the 'little' changes I haven't addressed hits me all at once. I find myself overreacting to a person or situation, becoming depressed or just irritable.'

It is often these 'little' changes that catch us by surprise. They seem to come out of nowhere. The day-in and day-out disappointments an broken promises of living with an alcoholic an become commonplace, until one day we wake up feeling the effect of all those 'small' losses. Why, we wonder, do we suddenly feel sad about our situation, especially when we may have spent months or even years living this way?

Many of us have lived with the notion that grief is something we feel when we have lost something tangible - when someone has died or gone away. In Al-Anon we learn that although the alcoholic may still be living, he or she is unable to be fully present - emotionally, spiritually, or even physically. Recognizing that we are not living the lives we had planned or hoped for with the person we love is a loss that occurs gradually. Each day we lose a little bit more until what remains is merely a shadow of the person or life we though we knew. Living with ongoing grief of this kind can be particularly trying.

'One Day at a Time' can help us through these difficult days. We get ahead of ourselves when we worry about how we will get through tomorrow or next week. We can't know what tomorrow will bring. What a relief it is to know we only h ave to deal with today. Though getting through today might feel like getting through all of eternity, we can remind ourselves that we won't feel this way forever. We can trust that our Higher Power has a plan for us, even if we can't see where we are headed.

Wow, the literature is so powerful and I can relate to it as if it was talking about my life. That heavy grief of the loss of the little changes or the little things that are just not going to happen, chip away at my serenity, if I allow it. I can have expectations of others that they be available emotionally, spiritually, or even physically; however, that is my expectation and only mine. That other individual my not be capable of sharing or providing those attributes to me or to others. The grief of that reality is crushing. The power of the tools I am learning can allow me to work through that journey of grief and shed the tears that help me heal. I can also take a deep breath and remember to breath and come back to today and this moment. Remember the beauty around me, absorb it and not be afraid of that beauty that surrounds me every second of the day. Allow myself to feel that grief, but not allow it to blind me, to shatter my soul. One Day at a Time, one moment at a time can help heal my heart and soul.