Journey of Discovery & Recovery....

I had an amazing weekend! It was filled with self-care, laughter, quality time with friends and family, hiking a new trail, warm sunny spring weather, chores crossed off the list, and some delicious food!

Hiked a trail at the base of Picacho Peak

Not only was my weekend filled with wonderful events with friends and family that make my heart smile, but I came to some big realizations in my healing process. This week I came to a new layer of healing and letting go, that I didn't even realize would exist. Over the last 6 or 7 months after making my decision to get a divorce, I have been working to live life to the fullest. I also have been working little by little to heal my heart, my spirit, my soul, my confidence, and my outlook on life. I am blessed to have amazing people in my life to help me walk this journey of discovery and recovery. Having the awareness of myself and the world around me is an extremely powerful tool to continue to heal the layers of my pain and hurt that I subjected myself to for years.

This week I discovered that what little love I had left for H, is no longer. The lingering love was tied to a little guilt and doubt that I maybe gave up on our relationship. I know without a doubt I tried everything I had control over to make that relationship work. I took my time and did not make any hasty decisions. I worked to heal myself and re-build my character so I could be a better person for that marriage, and for myself. However, H was not in the same place to reach for that healing within himself and to get help to better himself. A dear friend of mine always shares with me that she knows I will always love him and have a special place in my heart from him. I thought that to be true, until recently. I have come to a point that I can completely let H go, including my broken lingering love for him. Now don't get me wrong, I will always care for his well being and pray he finds happiness and peace within himself. This recent discover might seem cold and uncaring, but honestly it was another weight off of my heart to hand that broken love over my Higher Power to take and do what needs to be done with it, for I no longer am in need of it. I find it peaceful and freeing to let another piece of my past go. I see it as one more piece of the puzzle coming together to build a more clear picture of who I am today. I find that simply amazing! 

Another piece of my recovery I have struggled with is I try to hard with my relationships. When I look at my past, I did everything I could to fit into everyone else's life. Then the resentments would pile up at my doorstep because I was making all the effort, however, on the flip side many of these people were not a part of MY LIFE! But did I really know what my life consisted of at that time? Not really. Anyhow, I know now, that I did that to myself. I built a situation where I tried to maintain relationships with people that were one sided, and had either no interest in being a part of what was important to me or incapable of being a part of my life. Today being just me, doing my own footwork and striving for that happiness within myself, is a daily workout for me. I have many friends that I care about and want to be a part of their lives. If it is meant to be, I will do my part, but then let it go from there and let the other person do their part and effort. Not sure if that all makes sense, but I suppose the reading today in Courage to Change really sparked this struggle in my heart today. Something I will continue to pray about and work on.

"It is unrealistic to expect everyone to like me. With such an expectation; I set myself up to fail and give myself an excuse to blame that failure on others. I can't change other people, but I can change my own attitudes. I can let go of my rules about how others should feel about me. When I am disappointed in another's response, I can make an extra effort to be kind, warm, and loving to myself. I am lovable just the way I am."

I also feel this struggle of mine ties into being able to communicate my needs. What are my needs? "I want" versus "I need"... Perhaps I need to try starting out my conversation, "I would like..."  I will have to work on this. More will be revealed.

Perfect Storm

It was a little bit of a roller coaster day. A great morning spent with a dear friend, but then an anxiously anticipated afternoon. Only because of the help and support of my amazing family, I was able to wrap up a final healing and letting go, but daunting task today. H wasn't able to come by to pick up the rest of his "items", for the third time. I needed this completed. So I took the items to a location he asked me too. I am grateful I was able to handle the situation with grace and integrity. However, that shitty committee in my head has been in full session for the last few days in anticipation of this step in the healing process. I am feeling exhausted/drained, but relief, but also overwhelmed that I added this to my already busy schedule. I need to take a step back and breath.

I came across this random quote, not sure who to cite the credit too, but never the less a good reminder to stay in the moment and breath. 

"You can’t calm the storm, so stop trying. What you can do is calm yourself. The storm will pass." ~unknown author

Handle with Care

It's a day of handing it over to my HP. Thought I would have the courage to move forward with a decision today, but it just doesn't feel right today. So I will hand it over and instead live in the moment while handling this day and moment with care. 

Today's Reminder

"When I concentrate on my personal progress, The difficulties over which I have no control will iron themselves out." ~The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage

I needed this reminder today.

On a positive note! I did not plan to stay up last night for the Lunar Eclipse, but someone in the neighborhood decided to launch fireworks about midnight, which happen to be the ideal time to see the Moon turn the red tinge here in the desert. So I stepped outside with my new point and shoot T2 Olympus, and took this photo. Not to bad!!

 

Newcomer, You and Me!

It’s been a bit of a rough week or so, but honestly only because my mind and my attitude made it that way. I have been to some extra meetings this week and talked to dear friends in the program that have helped keep me grounded. I hear a lot in the rooms of how long someone has been in Al-Anon. I really don’t think much anymore how long it has been, but sitting here I got to thinking how long have I been in Al-Anon? As I count the years in my head, I come up with 5 years! Wow, what an amazing journey it has been and will continue to be. I remember the exact date I walked into the rooms, Thursday, April 13, 2009, my Al-Anon Birthday. The last couple weeks I realize I will always be a newcomer. I will NEVER graduate from this program. I will always have something new to learn and then have the opportunity to practice, practice, and practice some more of what I have learned.

As the storm of alcoholism continuously blows around me like a hurricane through my life, I have many tools at my disposal, to work to live in the calm eye of the storm. It’s me and my mind that causes me to jump into that active hurricane, and not have the peace and serenity each day. I try to be gentle with myself when I have my own unacceptable behavior or when I let another person’s unacceptable behavior get to me, but sometimes it still takes me a bit to recover from a stumble when the hurricane winds knock me down. Generally it’s when I am caught up in my disease of perception or in someone else’s business that I get knocked down. So that is a blessing from my HP to remind me to wake up and get back to the principles.

Since each storm is unpredictable, not unlike the disease of alcoholism, I have to continue learning to be flexible and adjust to that around me as things change and evolve through my recovery.

I have choices and can make changes that fit within my boundaries. But it starts with knowing who I am and what triggers me. Figuring out those boundaries and what trips their alarms is always an evolving experience and not always clear to me. Generally when I question and doubt myself is when I find I falter in other areas of my life. Ah, my defect of low self worth and lack of confidence is a terrible place to be and it takes me a while to rise above that dreadful way of thinking.

Nature is my guide, although the hurricane can disrupt growth and up rooting roots, while causing despair and pain through the turmoil of the storm, there is hope on the other side of the storm. After time and time again, after the storm settles and the sun come out again there is healing and the opportunity to rebuild and grow. There's always going to be a storm or fire that I have to walk through. That is part of life, and it will never go away. Therefore, the sooner I accept that concept and learn how to walk through that storm, No wait not walk DANCE in the storm, **smile** life will never be what I expected or wanted it to be, but I will survive and can have a positive perspective through that dance. If I can hand over those expectations and leave that job to my higher power, everything will be better than I ever imagined.

To the newcomer, although you'll never graduate from this program you will gain hope, love, support, friendships, and miracles you never imagined. It is worth every struggle and feels like a dose of good medicine.

Although this week I seem to be filling my heart with turmoil, impatient, and irritability, I need to pause and reach over to my shelf and pull some compassion into my heart. I hurt myself and those around me when I am irritable and not patient. That is not who I want to be anymore, and only I can change that. I can chose to be right or I can be happy.

This is from our last trip to Rocky Point, Mexico... sunset on the beach. Being near the water always helps me find my balance and serenity.

Opening New Doors To Life

As I continue to learn, I have to walk through the pain to get to the other side. I am learning to feel the feelings I have and use the tools at my disposal. Through my sadness this week, I called my sponsor, I went several meetings, read my literature, and worked to learn from the experience. When I start to walk down the path of wishing for what I don't have, it never ends well. I don't like that dark place.

Today I am opening new doors through my eyes and heart for new possibility! I am the only one that can shift my perspective. The outlook on life, that happiness in my heart, that has to start with me and is my responsibility. I choose to rejoice today in what I have, and I know that fresh new experiences are always ahead. What I have today, is exactly what I need. I will trust in my HP and know that life is a wonderful thing that I will relish in today.

My weekend is filled with low key plans with my family and friends to celebrate my birthday. I am looking forward to all of it. I am also looking forward to having H join in all of the festivities. That means a lot to me. I will however, keep the expectations out of the picture to help me enjoy and be in the moment.

It is chilly here in the desert, I hope you are all staying warm and well, while relishing in your serenity. That is my goal and wrapping myself with self-love and surrounding myself with others that love me for who I am. 

Just for Today...

This month, my expectations are tearing down the walls of my serenity. The time to rebuild begins now.

Just for today, I will be unafraid. Especially I 

will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, 

and to believe that as I give to the world, so 

the world will give to me.

I would like to share and focus on some of the beauty that I have been blessed with and surrounded with lately.

The last three or four days we have had quite the rain storm roll through, in fact the area I live in had 2.2 inches of rain alone. Which for the desert, is pretty darn good! Some little facts the local news shared; This storm helped us catch up with our average rainfall for the year. The amount we received also surpassed the entire rainfall from November 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, and 2012 combined! Here are a few photos I captured from the last few days. Ahhhh clouds, they are so beautiful. 

My garden is a true blessing to me, it brings me a lot of peace and serenity. Although I am still struggling with the little caterpillar type creatures eating my plants. I keep spraying the DIY formula I found, but it is not getting rid of the bugs for long. I am open to tips or suggestions!  Here are a few photos of my sanctuary backyard with my plants. I was having fun with the rain on the leaves. 

Just for today, I will adjust myself to what is, 

and not try to adjust everything to my own 

desires. I will take my "luck" as it comes, 

and fit myself to it.

Is It Enough?

For years I would wake up wishing for what I did not have. Trying to manipulate my life to be a fairy tale fantasy. To have the romantic knight and shining armor ride up on his gallant horse to make me happy! To save me from everything and put my heart at ease. I wanted and needed, so I thought, my knight to be my EVERYTHING! I found at the end of the day I was sadly disappointed my expectations were not meet. After years and years of my expectations piling up with resentment that led to my deep and toxic anger. That toxic way of thinking, expecting of others that are not capable of being or giving what I expected brought me to my knees. The energy I exerted trying to change the people around me and my world to fit a twisted fantasy in my head. 

When I finally learned to accept others for exactly who they were, the peace and serenity started to seep into my day. Taking that inventory daily of how important that fantasy was to me and how realistic it would be for expectations I created in my head. If I didn't communicate to others things that I dreamed or wished for, they would never know. They can't read my mind. Then even if I shared those dreams and wished, I am the only one that can make those dreams and wished come true! I am responsible for my own happiness. That was a new concept for me, as I laid that power in others hands for as long as I can remember. It took me a long time, and still working on it daily, to take that power back and help mold my own destiny of happiness. On rough days that I feel down I work hard to focus on the wonderful people, animals, and things I have in my life. I am truly blessed, and always have been, but I was blind and did not see the miracles around me. Today, I can pause, take a deep breath and fill my heart and lungs with gratitude of life. On days that I can be filled with gratitude of what I have today, it is enough. In fact, it is more than enough! I wish I had a road map to explain how I went from fantasy to reality filled with gratitude, but I don't. All I know is I worked my Al-Anon program one day at a time and continue to do my footwork to find that peace and serenity gratitude brings to me today. 

Getting My Hands Dirty!

I can hardly believe it is almost mid October already! As I have mentioned, I made time this fall to plant a garden. I haven't planted a garden in more than a year, or more. I lost track, but it has been to long. It brings me peace and serenity to get my hands dirty. When I tend to my garden, I lose track of time and the world around me. Having the connection with nature is a must in my life. In addition, I am reminded over and over when I neglect this constant connection my recovery suffers.

One of my very first Simply Me posts was about gardening and how I related it to my Al-Anon recovery.  This is still one of my favorite posts.

It is important for me to remember that preparing the soil is the first step to building a successful foundation for my garden's growth. This summer I set my mind that I was going to do a garden this fall. Not only was I excited, but my Mom was thrilled about the idea! She loves to dedicate some of her time in helping with the garden and enjoying the fruits of our labor. We dedicated a weekend to prepare the soil I already had with our magic ingredient. As the day neared, I was ready for an all day undertaking and hard labor to dig, loosen the over year old dirt, and add the amazing horse manure! As in usual fashion, I blow up a situation in my head to a point that it feels daunting to me and I have a thin layer of dread of the task ahead. In the past, I was a master at procrastinating, then blowing things out of portion so when it came down to the wire of completing something, I was an emotional wreak! I look back wondering why I always did that to myself. Also remembering back at the level of anxiety and stress I would put onto my own shoulders. Nonsense! Today, I work hard to not dump that same weight onto my shoulders and heart with the stinking thinking. However, it still amazing me how it can sneak up. Life majority of the time proves to me that the very event or thing I blew out of portion, actually wasn't that bad. It only took us a few hours to loose, turn, and mix the dirt that afternoon. It was tough, but rewarding work. The icing on the cake was spending quality time with my Mom, who I love dearly.

When I get caught up in my stinking thinking those weeds in the garden come out of NO WHERE! I have learned not only through my gardening, but through my program that it is a constant and daily effort to keep everything in line and free of unwanted expectations in order to provide amble room to grow. When I worry about others and what they think of me, my serenity cease to exist. Another factor I have learned is to not plant to many plants next to each other. This will prevent a plant from fully maturing or producing. This can also relate to not planning to many obligations in one day. I can suffer from saying yes to too many events and feeling stretched in too many directions, to ultimately not enjoy any of the activities because I am worried about moving onto the next!

Ok, I am rambling.

After the dirt was perfected, my Mom said, let's plant. It completely took me off guard. I had mentally prepared myself that the dirt portion of the project was going to take all day! Thankfully I have learned to be flexible and find my ability to adapt as things come flying at me. I excitedly pulled out all the seeds I had, made a game plan for both of my above ground planters and the numerous pots. Once we had our road map, we went to work and seamlessly created a master piece garden! My HP must of been proud and pleased with our work, because the next three days we had an unexpected beautiful and plentiful rain storm feed and nourished my garden like nothing else could. ALL of my seeds, except the green onions, came up in less than half the noted time seeds take to sprout. It was a miracle to watch the growth explode through out my garden.

My mind feels a little scattered after this week and I feel my writing is all over the map, but I'm here. Living in the moment. Working to dissolve any of the demons my mind is trying to create. My garden is my escape, my savior when I am in the thick of my stinking thinking. When I start to over analyze something I said or someone else's reaction. I am treading water today with some thoughts of friends. I pray I can find acceptance with the situation and surrender. Because as I can feel the pain from my mind creating a turmoil situation that is possibly ONLY in  my mind! I need to bring more awareness to myself about the situation, accept the situation, then take action if I do indeed need to make amends to others or perhaps myself. Then I have to let it go! My pain lately is through my resistance.

Salad planter - Lettuce, radishes, carrots, and the green onions never sprouted.

Tomato and cucumber

Broccoli - something is eating the leaves

Zucchini!! I think these are my favorite, next to the tomatoes

Brussels Sprouts and Jalapeno, on a stick! LOL

Chocolate Mint! Ahhh... glad to have it back! 

Trying something new, Pumpkins. Beautiful leaves!

Snap peas. Again, I have an invader chopping on the leaves

Another tomato... tamoto

"It is not enough merely to see that we have faults and make vague resolutions to do better. It takes definite effort to make ourselves receptive." The Twelve Steps & Tradition, p. 6.

Recurring Grief Surrounded with New Life

Lettuce & Radishes

The weather has been simply amazing! Nature is teasing us with the wonderful fall weather to come. The weather forecast notes we are to warm up again for the next several weeks, but hopefully we can start cooling off sometime next month. We had several days this week of cool, steady raining weather. With my amazing Mom's help, we prepared the dirt and planted most of my fall garden last Saturday afternoon. The timing could not of been more perfect. The next several days after that we had steady and beautiful amazing raining days. Some of the veggies we planted are; carrots, several varieties of lettuce, variety of radishes, green onions, cucumbers, several kinds of tomatoes, broccoli, brussels sprouts, zucchini, chocolate mint, pumpkins, and snap peas. Our magic ingredient has always been horse manure mixed with our soil! Along with the nature nurturing rain, my seeds are sprouting like crazy in half the time it normally takes for them to germinate!! Example the pumpkin seeds normally take 10 - 15 days to germinate; however, mine came up in 3 1/2 days! Simply amazing and truly a miracle. A combination of my Mom and my hard work and nature. We have definitely been in sync to a wonderful start to my fall garden, and I'm forever grateful for that. 

Tomato

My garden - combination of raised beds and pots 

Pumpkin seed after 3 1/2 days after planting! 

Zucchini after 3 days.

I feel very blessed with everything in my life right now. Hope you enjoy the photos of my garden, I'm very proud of it and the hard work that goes into nurturing and maintaining a healthy garden.

What always shakes my world even in the depths of my gratitude is grief. It does shake my world and tries to shatter my soul. I pulled out Opening our Hearts,Transforming my Losses book in an attempt to find the key to my sadness today. Although I don't have the exact answer, I can remember to try to live my way into the answers instead of trying to force solutions. I would like to share the passage I read that helped me put things into perceptive at this moment from Opening our Hearts,Transforming my Losses.  

The recurring nature of grief
'I am invited to grieve with every change in life. Often I ignore the invitation, deciding the particular change is 'no big deal', or telling myself, 'I can handle this.' Sometimes the culmination of all the 'little' changes I haven't addressed hits me all at once. I find myself overreacting to a person or situation, becoming depressed or just irritable.'

It is often these 'little' changes that catch us by surprise. They seem to come out of nowhere. The day-in and day-out disappointments an broken promises of living with an alcoholic an become commonplace, until one day we wake up feeling the effect of all those 'small' losses. Why, we wonder, do we suddenly feel sad about our situation, especially when we may have spent months or even years living this way?

Many of us have lived with the notion that grief is something we feel when we have lost something tangible - when someone has died or gone away. In Al-Anon we learn that although the alcoholic may still be living, he or she is unable to be fully present - emotionally, spiritually, or even physically. Recognizing that we are not living the lives we had planned or hoped for with the person we love is a loss that occurs gradually. Each day we lose a little bit more until what remains is merely a shadow of the person or life we though we knew. Living with ongoing grief of this kind can be particularly trying.

'One Day at a Time' can help us through these difficult days. We get ahead of ourselves when we worry about how we will get through tomorrow or next week. We can't know what tomorrow will bring. What a relief it is to know we only h ave to deal with today. Though getting through today might feel like getting through all of eternity, we can remind ourselves that we won't feel this way forever. We can trust that our Higher Power has a plan for us, even if we can't see where we are headed.

Wow, the literature is so powerful and I can relate to it as if it was talking about my life. That heavy grief of the loss of the little changes or the little things that are just not going to happen, chip away at my serenity, if I allow it. I can have expectations of others that they be available emotionally, spiritually, or even physically; however, that is my expectation and only mine. That other individual my not be capable of sharing or providing those attributes to me or to others. The grief of that reality is crushing. The power of the tools I am learning can allow me to work through that journey of grief and shed the tears that help me heal. I can also take a deep breath and remember to breath and come back to today and this moment. Remember the beauty around me, absorb it and not be afraid of that beauty that surrounds me every second of the day. Allow myself to feel that grief, but not allow it to blind me, to shatter my soul. One Day at a Time, one moment at a time can help heal my heart and soul. 

I have learned...

Good Morning! I was taking a moment to find my balance this morning before starting my day. I came across the quote below on the Words of Wisdom website.

I have learned....
I came alone and I have to go
alone....
I learned....
People are with you when they
need you.... Not Otherwise....
I learned....
Extra care of anyone by you will
ultimately bring a blame to your
ownself.....Not Appreciation... .
I learned....
A simple Lie of your close one can break
you more than anything...
I learned....
Its very hard to weep alone when there is
no shoulder to support you....
I learned....
Help people but not up to the
point beyond your dignity....
Ultimately, I learned....
Love yourself and Love people but only if
you can do it without
EXPECTATIONS... !!!

If this corral could talk... the stories we would hear...

Have a wonderful and balanced day my friends!

Do What you Can, with What you Have, Where you Are

Last week felt like a strange week. Having a day off in the middle of the week was really nice, but messed with the schedule in my head. Despite that I'm really glad it's Saturday!

We had our first convention planning meeting as a group this morning. We had a good turn out and everyone seems enthusiastic. We also have a great group of spiritual individuals willing to do service. A few of the items we needed to accomplish today were presented and voted on by the group. It's exciting to be moving forward!

As I was driving home from the meeting, my mind really was processing where I'm at today in my life. Not just with the convention service work. But with my relationships, my job/career, and me in general.

There are a few things in the works today that are triggering some old character defects to rise to the surface. I realize that is part of the journey, but boy when I sense those rising to the surface I do admit I cringe a little. Then I have to remind myself I am willing. I want to be willing. I can be willing to take that first step to be aware, accept, and take action. With my H.P. by my side, I will tackle what I can handle today and today only.

What is rising to the surface? A few that come to mind today... I always want to make a good impression on those around me, I want to make sure whatever I'm presenting is perfect, I want you to like me, I want you to think that I have good ideas, I want you to think I'm the best person for the job, etc, etc. All of that drenched in expectations. Ugh, why do I do that to myself? 

It boils down that I care what you think. That is part of my disease. I look outward for that
approval and love because I lost that love, courage, joy, acceptance, and
strength within myself. As a child, I had those traits within myself and I allowed them
to be stripped from me through years of being affected by the disease of alcoholism
in my marriage. 

I'm slowly learning and trying to apply to my thought process that it's okay if I don't 
make a good impression on you, or if you don't like me, or if you agree or don't agree with 
what I have to say, that's okay. I want to take that power back that I freely handed over to those 
around me for years. As my anxiety stirs below the surface with the possibility of change 
in the future, I have to keep doing my footwork on my program to keep from sabotaging 
myself. I need to just keep doing my part and do the best I can. Everything will be ok. 
 
In addition, as long as what I do and what I say is from my heart and I'm not being manipulative 
and trying to change the situation to benefit me or my agenda. Then everything will happen 
the way its supposed to whether I like the outcome or not. 

I'm not sure what my point was today, sort of felt like I was rambling in a circle. So I thought 
I would dip into my power thought cards. I haven't looked at these in a while. 

I opened the box and the card on top sort of made me stop. It said, "I now create a wonderful new job." 
Wow. Perhaps that is what my post was about today; to accept the things I cannot change, courage 
to change the things I can... 

I still felt like drawing a random card out of the deck, so I did. It said, "All my relationships are 
harmonious. When we create harmony in our minds and hearts, we will find it in our lives. The inner
creates the outer. Always." 

Ok, that is exactly what I needed to hear. I need to take a deep breath and find that inner peace. 
A good reminder I can find that serenity and love within myself. I just need to create the harmony
within my mind and heart. The rest will follow. Always. 

Amends with a side of Forgiveness

Making amends is not just saying "I'm sorry", it's taking the action to find the true desire for forgiveness. Taking the action to change my attitude and my actions. Then living those amends each day. It is a blessing when I can be kind and treat myself with self-love, then in return I find I can treat those around me with kindness and compassion.

I've felt the peace of being more tolerant and forgiving of others that have harmed me or those that I don't agree with. I can detach and hand them over to their own H.P. This frees me from being cruel or judgmental towards them because they are not doing or saying what I think they should do or say. I will continue to strive to find that peace and serenity within myself for each and every person that I've harmed in the past.

I must say I'm grateful there is no deadline for this process. As I can find that peace of amends for many, including myself on some levels. However, there is one individual that I still get fired up about! I have some more work to do before I can even come to peace with the actions they took that I allowed to hurt me. The fact that I can't even focus on what my specific part was in that situation AND the fact that the thought of making amends just makes me angry! I realize I still have expectations with this person, which I realize today is something that got me in trouble from the very beginning with this individual. I know I have a lot to work through and let go. I'll get there. I'm obviously just not quite ready for that piece of my recovery. I look forward to the day I do find peace with this person, as I know I'm only hurting myself with the anger and expectations, as this person has no clue that I feel this way.

"A Part of me wants to cling to old resentments, but I know that the more I forgive, the better my life works." ... In All Our Affairs

Being Gentle with Myself

Had a wonderful conversation with a friend yesterday. It meant the world to me to spend that quality time together talking. From the very first day we meet, my Higher Power has spoken through my friend and 99% of the time I hear exactly what I needed to hear.

The topic in our meeting last night was expectations. Always a good topic. When I hear about expectations, it makes me think of the saying expectations are premeditated resentments. Resentments are poisonous and I don't want to have any! This week I've struggled with a few things that have happened. In addition, I didn't realize that I had taken some of those actions of another person(s) personally. I realized after the meeting last night that my anger this week was the result of an expectation I didn't realize I had, and of course was not met! Nothing earth shattering, but need to work through it. I need to start by being gentle with myself and not beat myself up about falling into the expectation trap. My disease of attitude clings to the need to control the situation, so working really hard today to let it go. Focusing on the pieces I can change. Starting with my attitude.

I feel like I'm a pinball bouncing around in the machine this week. Hoping I will stop putting quarters into the machine to stop the game so my head will stop spinning!

Speaking of pinball machines, they have one for just about everything! Go Thundercats!

Celebrating

It's a beautiful day today. 71 degrees with wispy clouds and a warm sun. Seven years ago today, my family and my husband's family along with a few of our friends drove up to the Hoover Dam where my Dad, an ordained minister, married us. It was also a beautiful sunny day for our Dam wedding! It was important to me that we had my Dad's blessing and that he marry us.

I tried to plan a weekend out of town; however, it didn't end up working out. I'm disappointed, but I'm ok we are having a laid back relaxing day at home. I'm focusing on the moment and the time together, which is what matters today. The daily reading in Courage to Change says, "This day is all I have to work with, and it is all I need. If I am tempted to worry about tomorrow's concerns, I will gently bring my mind back to today." It's been a good day. Refreshing to live in the moment with no expectations.
Tonight we are going to dinner at The Melting Pot to celebrate. I'm really looking forward to it.

Earlier I took Baby to the vet, her ear looked like a big sausage. Ends up she has an ear infection. So we brought home some medication that will hopefully make her feel better. She's doing good right now, she's snoring softly while she rests with her nose tucked under her paw.

"Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow; it only saps today of its strength." A.J. Cronin

Remember. Understand. Honor.

It's a beautiful Wednesday morning with a chilly 30 degrees when I woke up! Today marks the 70th anniversary of Pearl Harbor. I'm grateful I had the opportunity earlier this year to visit Pearl Harbor and learn more about that time in our history. It was a very solemn experience visiting the USS Arizona memorial site. May the soliders rest in peace. During our visit, we were able to meet several of the survivors. What great characters!! Old Navy men! I read in the news that today people will join 120 survivors to commemorate it at the memorial above the ship's sunken remains, with a moment of silence, at 10:55 mountain standard time. I will never forget and honor those that died for our country that day.

On a much more personal level, I was brought into this world on December 7th. However, not as far back as 1941. Anyhow, as a kid and through my early adulthood, my Mom and Dad always made an effort to make my little sister's and my birthdays very special. We were always, not just on our birthdays, made to feel important and that we mattered in this world. I'm so grateful for my Mom and Dad. They are extremely supportive and always there with open arms full of love. I always had a wonderful birthday with many blessings. However, as I got older and involved in a realtionship with my loving alcoholic, my stinking thinking and expectations would really take over on this day. Having expectations for others that are simply not resonable at any level. Even though I was blessed with wonderful people that loved me, my expectations would trump a lot of the good things. I would have that feeling of being let down by somebody else that did not reach the high bar I had put in place for them to reach. It was roller coaster ride that I willing rode. Today, I don't have an annual pass anymore to ride those roller coasters. Not having those expectations and letting go of the resentments that build up because of those ridiculous expectations, is a blessing and brings a lot of serenity to my heart. Last year was the first year I truly was able to let go of ALL expectations for my birthday. I was able to take that power back from those around me. What an amazing feeling!! I was able to focus on those blessings and the loving friends and family that were in my life on that day. It was one of the best birthdays I've every had! I have no doubt today, will be even greater! “I’d always believed that a life of quality, enjoyment, and wisdom were my human birthright and would be automatically bestowed upon me as time passed. I never suspected that I would have to learn how to live - that there were specific disciplines and ways of seeing the world I had to master before I could awaken to a simple, happy, uncomplicated life.”
-Dan MillmanWhat a wonderful way to honor those that serve our country, to learn how to live my life to the fullest. To keep life simple and to chose to be happy! To not expect things will be automatically handed to me. I have to do my own footwork and put forth the effort to be a positive part of this world. Nobody else is going to do it for me. I understand today that life around me is not going to be uncomplicated, but I can make a choice of how I react to that chaos and work to keep my life simple. Today I will savor life's joys and honor those that provide me the opportunity to do so.

Different Perspective Today

I tend to read the daily reading out of the Courage to Change book, but occasionally I'm drawn to the One Day at a Time daily reading. Today was a good one as I remember reading this one in the past and being in a very different place. The reading on page 309;

" An Al-Anon member once remarked that the main source of our unhappiness is that we ourselves don't know what we want. We think we're dissatisfied with what we have, with the way we live, and the way other people act towards us. He suggested that each person dig down deep to see what we really feel would bring us contentment.
If this self-searching reveals only that we are disgruntled because we feel we deserve a better car, a bigger house or more money, we must dig still deeper for the real cause. Is it envy of others? Is it our inability to enjoy fully what we do have? do we, in defense of our own shortcomings, look for excuses to blame others?

Today's Reminder:
I can find serenity only by rooting out my discontent. I must acknowledge to myself the real reasons why I react as I do. Am I doing my share? If not, my dissatisfaction may be due to unrecognized guilt. Is it difficult for me to feel and express appreciation? I will try to develop a sense of gratitude. Do I expect others to behave according to my expectations? I will live and let live.

'It really adds up to this: that we're not satisfied with ourselves, and we can certainly do something about that.'"

I love these books! They never get old or out dated, because I'm always evolving and can see the same words over and over again but they have such a different meaning each time. A year ago when I read this passage, I was very angry and extremely disgruntled with my feelings. I felt like I was getting the short end of the stick in my relationship. I told myself I deserved better. I was getting better at taking responsibility for my actions and thoughts, but I still held tightly to bits and pieces of that blame. It was unsettling, and looking back I was still not satisfied with who I was. The discomfort was to much and I blamed my discontent outwardly. Although it's a tough and bumpy journey, I'm grateful for every step.

I read this passage today and find such peace in the words. Today I've developed that sense of gratitude and the ability to be content with the wonderful things I have today. It's a good day to feel that serenity and peace, because I chose to take action and be satisfied with who I am. Could things be better, of course they could!! Do I still get caught up in wanting to control my surroundings and get buried in expectations? Yup, I'm still working on those shortcomings, but they are manageable today and I won't let them dictate my day. This positive change has to start with me and finding that inner peace before anything around me can change. It's taken a lot of digging, soul searching, courage and crying to sift through my shortcomings and realize what needed tiding up on my side of the street. I could not have achieved this serenity without the support of my amazing sponsor, my dear friends both in program and not in program, and most importantly my family. It's such a relief to get to that point of acceptance. I've taken a mental snap shot of this amazing moment and never want to forget it!

First Things First



This is a helpful slogan, but I'll be honest I don't use it enough. However, after reading about it today, I need too! When my life gets chaotic and situations occur that send me into a spiral of craziness, I can take a step back for a moment, take a deep breath, and remind myself "First Things First". The slogan can help me re-focus my thinking and prioritize before I react in a way I don't want to, to that chaotic situation. Taking that moment allows me to better prioritize so I can make a healthier decision of how I want to move forward to ensure I'm taking care of myself.

Another saying comes to mind when I think about this slogan. You can plan the day, but not the outcome. This is so true, there have been many times when I can easily plan every second of the day and set expectations in my head of exactly how the day is suppose to happen. I have many flash backs of days that I have done this and been deeply disappointed. It's not an easy accomplishment to NOT expect specific outcomes of others. I have no control of others, but I do have control of myself and my reactions to those around me. Expectations are premeditated resentments. Now I realize I have a choice, I can spiral into insanity and feel sorry for myself or I can take the opportunity to learn to love and appreciate who I am at this moment. Prior to Al-Anon, I didn't realize I had that choice. Today, I can use First Things First and remember I have the choice to practice an old habit or use this tool to further my growth.

An excellent quote regarding this slogan:

"Putting 'First Things First' in troubled times often means finding whatever way I can to set aside my burdens, even if just for a moment, to make time for myself."  Courage to Change

I will practice applying this helpful slogan in all my affairs, First Things First. 

What does it mean to you? 

It was a beautiful sunrise this morning and I wanted to share with you! 

One day at a time!