Can I Pause?

It is hard to believe this year is coming to an end quickly! I seem to always feel that way the week after my birthday and as the holidays creep up on me. Speaking of birthday weekends, I think this last weekend was one of the best birthdays I have had in a long time. I had a trip to Vegas with my Sister and her man. I love going on adventures with those two. On my birthday, this past Sunday, I got a text from an old friend from High School who had a photo from my 16th birthday. I did not have that specific photo. It brought a big smile to my lips. Remembering back, that was a good day with all my dear friends.  My parents put together a "car rodeo" for my birthday since all of my friends were a bit older than me and we all drove. There were different events set up on my parents 10 acres and there were prizes to be won! It was an all day event and I remember everyone having a great time! Down to the bonfire at the end. Fond memories.

It is the most amazing feeling to feel happy in the moment today. It is also amazing to remember back on fond memories that make me smile. My heart feels light and happy today. Truly a blessing and a miracle, due to my hard work, footwork, and investment in myself that I was willing to put into life.

My thoughts are a bit all over the map today, so sorry if I jump from topic to topic. I was cleaning out one of my bags and came across a journal from four or so years ago. I enjoy reading older entries I wrote, giving an incredible insight into that moment and where I was at in that point in time. Many of my entries bring tears to my eyes and heart. Sometimes I have to put it down and walk away. There is so much sadness in my words and it just seeps from the pages and my handwriting. It takes me right back to that day. That is painful, but something I know I need to do periodically to recognize and be proud of how far I have come. The combination of fear and anger literally paralyzed me for so long. I am grateful that I had, and have, Al-Anon to help work through each of those days and emotions to find myself again.

Today I am beyond grateful for my family and my dear friends that mean the world to me. I love technology that helps me stay closely in touch with those I care about, in a flash of an eye.

I have been living life to it's fullest lately and I am struggling with reining it in a bit financially. I have been a bit crazy with having fun. **sigh** I have dug myself into a hole before, and you know what, I will dig myself out again. I will be ok. I just need to set my awesome discipline skills in some different areas of my life that I have been to lax. I don't want to let myself down or anyone else with bad choices. Although, I will be gentle with myself if I make a decision that is possibly less desirable.  You know why? Because it was my decision and I will live with the consequences and make better decisions from there. Trial and error.

On to another topic, I came across my step 9 letter to myself. Wow. I still have tears in my eyes. I needed to read that today. Here is a little bit to share that I wrote a couple years ago. "Be willing to make amends and take courageous steps to live those amends. It is true you treated yourself horribly by finding ways to beat yourself down or finding an excue to not take that leap of faith. This self-crippling was paralyzing; however, you have the awareness today to take that power back; to know you are worth the risks; you are worth whatever the outcome is."

Growth is so beautiful. It can be painful when going through it, but looking back it brings happy tears to my eyes and was worth the struggles. My heart swells with gratitude today. Almost don't have words to how happy and grateful I am right now. 

Things have been so amazing in so many areas of my life, I sometimes want to pause and bottle these amazing feelings. I realize that is the "old" me thinking, waiting for the shoe to drop. The funny thing is, I have the awareness today to realize I don't have to live my life with that thinking anymore. Life is going to happen. Disappointments are going to come my way. Results of choices I made may not be what I wanted or expected. The beauty of today, I can let go of that crazy thinking, the shoe is going to drop, because it probably will, that I don't have control over. What I do have control over is how I react to each of those shoes being tossed at me. Which today I am feeling more confident in my self-esteem to take on each of those challenges head on and conquer each one in my own little way. Living in the moment and making the best of each moment. Life is amazing today.