Life is Blissful!

Before Al-Anon, my heart cried with sorrow and bleed with anger and fear. I'm a grateful member of Al-Anon, the program and the people in the program saved my life. They helped me find the courage and confidence to seek my own happiness and take the power of my life back from others. Today my heart sings with happiness, and bleeds with joy and pure love for life! 

That pretty much sums up where I'm at today, life is amazing, I love who I am, and I surrounded myself with family, friends and found an amazing partner to share my life with. Each person I choose to have in my life bring out the best in me, and love me for who I am!

Ill be honest, I have prioritzed my time differently for a while and have not been to a meeting in a while. A friend recently reached out to me, and asked me to come back, she says I'm a success story! That's very kind of her to say that. She has a good point, it is good to hear sharing of the positive stories and the positive results that can come out of believing in ourselves and reaching and striving for a life that is better for us through the steps of Al-Anon.  Hearing these stories before and after is good for newcomers, that is part of what kept me coming back to the meetings, was seeing people in the midst of chaos of the disease of alcoholism, but smiling and shining with happiness. Because they choose happiness and their serenity. I still believe I'm a newcomer, always will be, but I also have a few years of experience, hope, and strength to share if others choose to listen. 

May your day be filled with kindness, happiness, and eating healthy

Celebrate Everything

Today marks four years I embarked on my blogging adventure! It was, and still is, difficult to share my story openly and honestly. That level of vulnerability terrifies me to my bones! But I continue to work to overcome and conquer that unnecessary fear. Reading earlier posts, still brings tears to my eyes. But as I continue to walk, and share, this amazing journey, today I am celebrating everything and living life to the fullest! I'm proud of how far I have come and look forward to continuing to move forward. I work to surround myself with amazing and loving friends and family that accept me for who I am, and then still continue to love me. I'm truly blessed. I pray that maybe sharing my struggles and little successes will help give someone else the strength and courage to take back their own life, no matter what their own situation or details are.

I owe a huge thank you to all of you that follow my blog! Your love and support over the past few years has helped me build my courage and strength to take my life back into my own hands. I appreciate each and everyone of you! Thank you from the bottom of my heart! 

Doing the Right Thing

Doing the right thing, is not always easy, but is always the way to go.

This week has been stacked with decisions I have had to make that I didn't necessarily want to make, but knew it was the right thing to do. In the past I never took into consideration what I wanted or what was important to me. I never weighted my options. Instead I instantly reacted and went on the defensive. I'm grateful to have the option to let others know I need to think about it and I will get back to you. Then weight the pros and cons of the decision. I'll be honest there are times I want to be completely selfish and swing the decision in my favor. Who wouldn't?! But that is not always the right decision.

One of the decision this week was discussing time off during the holidays. I like to get this squared away early so we can start planning and making sure everyone is trained. Now I know a lot can change between now and December, but there are some people that need to make flights and other arrangements, etc. Plus talking about PTO (personal time off) is one of my favorite topics! Traveling big or small trips instantly makes me smile and giddy! So the requests come flying in, per my request. It came down to giving my team the time off or me. I covered for my entire team last Christmas so everyone could have the time off. We were even down a team member at that time. With everyone's situation, it was the right thing to do and I could do it. I was hoping to take an extended time off this year, since I worked last year. However, after reviewing the requests I received and looking at the bigger picture, including my trips and time I had scheduled other parts of the year. It was the right thing to do to give my team the time off. They work hard and deserve the extended break. They each mean a lot to me and I appreciate the hard work they put into everyday. So there you have it, sacrifices of being a supervisor. Although I am a little bummed about working the holiday again, I feel awesome knowing I did the right thing for my team.

The second decision this week was a lot easier to make. I received a request for another chance from H to prove he wanted me. It still tugs at my heart strings. The dangling carrot was a tool H used for years, either subconsciously or not, I don't know, but H was the master at manipulating me. Today, I see right through it. I responded with a kind and honest, but firm and packed with boundaries response that was clear. To be fair and to believe the message I received, I will pray for H and hope he is truly on the path he says he is on. However, I reinforced, I will never be a part of the path, ever again. I don't want to and never will. Looking back at this past year, and seeing and feeling the happiness, serenity, forgiveness, and simple pure joy of life!!! I don't believe I have ever felt this much gratitude all the way to my bones and flowing through my veins everyday!! I trapped myself in a toxic situation for far to long that wasn't helping either of us. I'm grateful for the courage to break that mold and start a healthier cycle of life. For both of us. Separately. I just have to take a deep breath and hand him over to his higher power, who I know will help him walk the path he is suppose to walk. Then I can let go, completely detach. Then I can focus on my well being, make that connection with my own higher power. Then smile, because I know I am finally doing my footwork, keeping my side of the street clean, doing things for the right reasons for the right people, including myself. Life is good. I know I'm not perfect and stumble and trip over my words often, but I am trying my hardest to be the best me I can be. That's all I ask of myself.

Be kind to yourself. Always do the right thing, whether others are watching or not. You will be more fulfilled and filled with gratitude at the end of each day. One day at a time. 

Taking the Power Back

Life happens to all of us. Each and everyday we have struggles. Some struggles bigger than others. Don't give up on yourself. Take the happiness back, no matter what the struggle is. Learn the lesson, release the pain, and move on. Scars remind us of where we have been, not where we are headed.

Short and sweet today, but this short post resonated deep with me and really reminded me of several posts I have shared in the past over my few shorts years here in Bloggerville. :) 

Breathing in Gratitude

Today, I'm filled with gratitude! Looking back on the last five or six or so years, the meaning of gratitude or being grateful for what I had, was a foreign concept for me. I'd wallow in my self-pity, low self-esteem, while judging others, and the icing on the cake, was a queen martyr! I'm not proud of those things, but that was where I was at in my life. All of that negativity was a reflection of choices I had made over the years and certain people I choose to surround myself with. Although negative and not ideal, I know I had to walk that gravel and pot holed road to get to where I am today. So although I wasn't grateful then, I am today for that time. Although cliché, it has made me stronger in all aspects of my life, including my physical, emotional, and spiritual being!

Today things aren't perfect. I still have put more on my plate than I probably should. I still have some of the same chaos in my life today. The difference in today versus even just last year, I am making different choices and aware of my reactions in every aspect of my life. That includes my thoughts of myself and others, those thoughts are more positive and kind today. Replacing the harsh and cruelty I had for me and others. Also making the conscious effort to make different choices in my eating and exercise habits. Along with choosing to work on my spiritual health in a way that works for me. All those things combined and constantly working towards a balance, that has been pivotal for me. I'm by no means perfect in any of those areas. I ALWAYS have room for improvement! Luckily, I am getting better at identifying the diamonds hidden in my problems. But I have the awareness and strive in each moment of the day to continue to improve. That's all I can do and that's ok.

The other habit that has truly helped me grow was to make seven small promises to myself.  I read the quick notes taped to my mirror. Now I don't usually remember them all after I make the promise, but I have planted the seed each day. Eventually that seed will germinate and start to steadily grow. What is my little list I read every morning?

1.      I will listen to my body and mind when feeling stressed.

2.      I will smile every day.

3.      I will live a life of positive expansion.

4.      I will leave the past behind, but always take the lesson.

5.      I will always live the life I want to live.

6.      I will remember that relationships are seasonal.  

7.      I will accept when changes are needed in my life.

Bonus: Don’t compare myself with others; it is the death of my happiness.

I take the time for gratitude today and it helps me perceive my world and the sometimes dark world around me in a different light. That little dose of gratitude helps create a more positive and hopeful light as I take one step and one day at a time.

Miracles of Willingness, Determination, & Hope

I have shared a little that I have been on a journey to become healthier, physically. This week I reached a new goal!

I don’t know about you all, but I have always struggled with my self-image. I never really saw the real “me” in the mirror. The view of myself was a twisted distorted image that my mind created, and it hasn't always been pretty or kind. I woke up this past week with a smile and when I looked in the mirror, I saw a real new me. It brings tears to my eyes as I type this… For years I allowed others to beat me down, which in turn I beat myself down every chance I could get. I had low self-esteem and was a chameleon to whoever I was with. It is a struggle to break that type of pattern, to break free to be my own person. If you have been following my blog, you know my general story, so I won’t go into all that. However, I am living proof that with just a little willingness, determination, and hope, I can reach new places and ways of living that I never thought imaginable.

I am beyond proud of the hard work I have put into rebuilding my character, my spirit, and my body!!

It has been a long road; I had to first start with my character and spirit, which has been a 6 year journey. (And I am not done yet; I still have some work to do... It's the journey not a destination!) Once I started healing the inside, then I could start working on the outside, which I have also been working on about that same time frame, but really buckled down the last 5 months.

I weighted and measured this last week as I wrapped up my second 30 day challenge with Isagenix and working out with my local Iron Girlz gym! My amazing results… **drum roll** I am down an additional 11.2 lbs and 8 inches!!! I am PUMPED!!!  My goal was to lose 10 lbs and 10 inches in my second challenge. I would have to say that is pretty damn close to my goal and I am proud of my achievement.

So the overall count since I really buckled down and started this journey in September 2014, I am down a total of 28.2 lbs and 36.75 inches. I could not have accomplished this by myself, I have an amazing support group of friends and family that I am forever grateful too!


**If you are interested in more information about Isagenix and/or Iron Girlz and what each has done for me, message me and I can share more with you. Thank you!

Journey of Discovery & Recovery....

I had an amazing weekend! It was filled with self-care, laughter, quality time with friends and family, hiking a new trail, warm sunny spring weather, chores crossed off the list, and some delicious food!

Hiked a trail at the base of Picacho Peak

Not only was my weekend filled with wonderful events with friends and family that make my heart smile, but I came to some big realizations in my healing process. This week I came to a new layer of healing and letting go, that I didn't even realize would exist. Over the last 6 or 7 months after making my decision to get a divorce, I have been working to live life to the fullest. I also have been working little by little to heal my heart, my spirit, my soul, my confidence, and my outlook on life. I am blessed to have amazing people in my life to help me walk this journey of discovery and recovery. Having the awareness of myself and the world around me is an extremely powerful tool to continue to heal the layers of my pain and hurt that I subjected myself to for years.

This week I discovered that what little love I had left for H, is no longer. The lingering love was tied to a little guilt and doubt that I maybe gave up on our relationship. I know without a doubt I tried everything I had control over to make that relationship work. I took my time and did not make any hasty decisions. I worked to heal myself and re-build my character so I could be a better person for that marriage, and for myself. However, H was not in the same place to reach for that healing within himself and to get help to better himself. A dear friend of mine always shares with me that she knows I will always love him and have a special place in my heart from him. I thought that to be true, until recently. I have come to a point that I can completely let H go, including my broken lingering love for him. Now don't get me wrong, I will always care for his well being and pray he finds happiness and peace within himself. This recent discover might seem cold and uncaring, but honestly it was another weight off of my heart to hand that broken love over my Higher Power to take and do what needs to be done with it, for I no longer am in need of it. I find it peaceful and freeing to let another piece of my past go. I see it as one more piece of the puzzle coming together to build a more clear picture of who I am today. I find that simply amazing! 

Another piece of my recovery I have struggled with is I try to hard with my relationships. When I look at my past, I did everything I could to fit into everyone else's life. Then the resentments would pile up at my doorstep because I was making all the effort, however, on the flip side many of these people were not a part of MY LIFE! But did I really know what my life consisted of at that time? Not really. Anyhow, I know now, that I did that to myself. I built a situation where I tried to maintain relationships with people that were one sided, and had either no interest in being a part of what was important to me or incapable of being a part of my life. Today being just me, doing my own footwork and striving for that happiness within myself, is a daily workout for me. I have many friends that I care about and want to be a part of their lives. If it is meant to be, I will do my part, but then let it go from there and let the other person do their part and effort. Not sure if that all makes sense, but I suppose the reading today in Courage to Change really sparked this struggle in my heart today. Something I will continue to pray about and work on.

"It is unrealistic to expect everyone to like me. With such an expectation; I set myself up to fail and give myself an excuse to blame that failure on others. I can't change other people, but I can change my own attitudes. I can let go of my rules about how others should feel about me. When I am disappointed in another's response, I can make an extra effort to be kind, warm, and loving to myself. I am lovable just the way I am."

I also feel this struggle of mine ties into being able to communicate my needs. What are my needs? "I want" versus "I need"... Perhaps I need to try starting out my conversation, "I would like..."  I will have to work on this. More will be revealed.

Love

“The heart that’s meant to love you will fight for you when you want to give up, pick you up when you’re feeling down, and will give their smile when it’s hard for you to find yours. They will never get strength from seeing you weak, power from seeing you hurt, or joy from seeing you cry. The heart that’s meant to love you wants to see the BEST YOU, not the hurt you!
Never forget this.” 
~Trent Shelton

I found this quote very powerful. For years I lived and was modeled by a relationship that love revolved around anger, putting each other down, soaked with blame and guilt, never taking an interest in the other person or their interests, and never truly helping elevate the other person to bigger and better things! How I fell into that horrid trap, will continue to baffle me. More will be revealed through the continued healing.

What I have learned through my own paradigm shift and little miracles along the way, is the power of having self-love, self-worth, and happiness bottled up within myself. I say bottled, because I have to store it on a little shelf sometimes when I am feeling down or not worthy. I can visually grab some compassion and love off of the shelf to help me get through a tough day or situation. Reminding myself, this too shall pass. Another factor I am learning to have on the shelf is silliness. Being able to laugh at myself and the crazy chaos around me that life seems to stir up. No matter how shitty it gets, I am learning to simply smile and laugh. This has been working a lot better than reacting with anger or playing the victim mode to things I have no control over. With all of these tools on my shelf, it helps me formulate a plan of action, that I do have control over.

I am excited, and almost giddy, to get to try a new relationship that allows me to see that other heart fight for me when I am absolutely ready to give up or make me laugh when I am having a rough day. To share a smile with me, that warms me from the inside out because I know it is genuine and wants to see me happy. That warmth puts an instant smile on my face and in my heart. That heart doesn't feel threaten by my accomplishments today or my  dreams of tomorrow! In fact that other heart, gives me a boost and enouragement to jump to the top of the mountain and yell at the top of my lungs my joy and excitement for my goals and dreams. I can feel that relationship wants me to be my best. I am learning the only reason that other heart can do all those amazing things for my heart, is because that heart has it's own self-love, self-worth, and happiness within it's self without needing anyone else, including me.

I am enjoying the journey and loving life to the fullest! Never take a moment of this life or a single breath for granted! We are not promised tomorrow, or even the next hour. Live life to the fullest. I am grateful beyond words to have found peace, serenity, and forgiveness today so I can see the beauty of this world around me.

Set Sail

Remembering to pause and breath today. It was a busy, but amazing weekend spending time with people that I love and cherish. The spirit of being grateful and loving those around me is a year round holiday!

A friend shared the following quote the other day that I love!

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can change the set of my sails." unknown author

The power of choices and working with what I can change. That indeed is a miracle!

Devour the Moment!

I am sitting her with a big smile on my face. What an awesome feeling. I had a great evening last night hanging out with a couple of good friends. These ladies know how to laugh and have a great time. I thrive on that energy. This morning I was able to check off a few items off of my to do list, which is always good for my mood and well being. I have read an article in the past, and might of even blogged about it. Anyhow my recollection of this article, or maybe a study?, recommended that you not live your days by a list and what you accomplish. Sorry that is the extent of my memory on that, but the moral of that, I do and don't agree with my weak memory of this article. It fills me with a sense of accomplishment, pride, and gratitude to accomplish what I set out to do that day. So in that respect, I don't agree. However, I do agree with it's concept, if I allow that list to run my life. What I mean by that, if I don't get my list done or completed in the time frame I set up, then I have to let that go. Shift and re-prioritize my list and things I "feel" I need to do. I also am learning to be a bit more spontaneous. When a friend calls to get together at the last minute, take a serious evaluation of what is on my "to do" list, and make the call whether to meet up with that friend last minute or not. I am also being more aware of how I am feeling before I make a decision to be spontaneous! Anyhow, not sure how I got off on that tangent! I also know the smile is left over from a nice lunch today I had with a dear friend. I devour every moment with this positive, hilarious, intelligent, honest, kind, teasing, respectful, and adorable friend. This friend makes me happy and inspires me. More will be revealed.

I wanted to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and hope your heart and spirit is filled with joy and happiness. If you are lacking any of that, I hope you can pause to take a moment to find a sliver of either or a whole truck load of it to dump into your mind, heart, and soul! They both are amazing to make you feel light and rejoice this beautiful time of year. I have let the stress and worries go for today.

Don't Over Think

Plans changed today and I have a quiet day to myself. I use to dread days like this, when I was alone with my thoughts. That use to get me in trouble as I would over think, EVERYTHING. Sometimes I can still get into that pattern. Particularly when I am feeling vulnerable. Also when my self-esteem is trying to waver. Being tired is another factor that adds to this fire.

Today, I am grateful as these sneaky old habits started to trickle into my day, I received a few messages from my dear friends that helped put my mind and thoughts back into perspective. My amazing friends had no idea that they were helping me shift my perspective. In fact, I believe it was more my HP sending me those messages through those I care about. Thank you.

One of the messages was to stop thinking to much. Until I read that, I didn't realize that was exactly what I was doing today. I don't have to know the answers, today or ever. I just need to believe I will be ok. The answers will come to me when I least expect it, and at the exact moment I will need it. Don't push the river. Until then, I need to continue to live in the moment, smile, take a deep breath, and relish in the happiness I have chosen. Life it good.

Another friend sent a list from another blog that listed out a few things this gal did after her divorce that she strongly recommended to others. It was a simple, but powerful list. That inspired me to create my own list.

1. Totally fallen apart, spiritually and emotionally.
2. Completely pulled my self back together again, both spiritually and emotionally. 
3. Repeat 1 and 2. 
4. Stop caring what others think. 
5. Stopped letting the little manipulate messages affect me. 
6. Recognize what occurs today was a result of choices I made prior to today. 
7. More importantly recognize what is occurring to him, are direct results of choices he made.
8. Started having sex again. 
9. Realizing I love it again.
10. Laughed at my level of happiness. 
11. Cried at my level of sadness. 
12. Asked for help. 
13. Accepted the help. 
14. Learned to let go of what was not mine.
15. Found compassion for him.
16. Lowered my bills. 
17. Got my old name back. 
18. Cried openly.
19. Cried alone. 
20. Stopped exerting energy on what could of been. 
21. Started working on what could be. 
22. Counted my blessings.
23. Allowed myself to be angry, so I could let it go.
24. Decided "Fuck yes" was my new motto! 
25. Rebuild.
26. Renewed. 
27. Restore and build new relationships with those that appreciate me for me. 
28. Stopped looking for answers. 
29. Started moving forward. 

30. Genuinely began looking forward to the future.

All part of the powerful healing process. Again, life is good.

Keeping it Simple

As some of you noticed my post yesterday was very simple! I was giving my blogger app another chance and typed out a post on my phone. I suppose those words were not meant to be and the message to myself was keep it simple. That's ok, it is a good reminder as I have been running a hundred miles an hour this week and feeling the stress level rising. So time to take a deep breath and be in the moment. My forever long to do list will get done, or it won't.

I did hear a new song on the radio this week. Taste of Country website describes this song, "A powerful ballad sung with raw honesty and heartbreaking soul". It was a very heartfelt song, that as I listened to the words I could hear H singing the words. How do I know I am healing? I was able to hear the words and have deep compassion for my dear friend, without shedding a tear. I hear the sadness in H's voice when we talk on the phone. But I have to remember, he made choices and so did I, we have to live with those and move forward. I see a positive future for H and myself, although on separate paths. I am moving on with peace in my heart and excited about the doors of opportunity I am opening with the key of happiness I am finally able to let loose!

Haven't heard the song? Jake Owen's "What We Ain't Got".

Prayers

Over my lifetime I never gave much thought or effort into prayers. I use to have a road block when anything remotely related to organized religion came up. Thankfully today, I still can have my own beliefs and a Higher Power of my own understand, and in return can respect those around me that have different beliefs, religions, and see the world through different eyes. Today I enjoy learning new things through different perspectives. Doesn't mean I have to believe or practice, but I can learn it and respect it.

Prayers saved my life. They also saved and restored many of my relationships. A prayer to me is handing over what is not mine or what I can't change or control to a power greater than myself. Not only handing over, but setting up a healthier mindset to keep walking forward. I understand the prayer is not going to necessarily fix anything, but it will help fix my thoughts and mindset to be more positive and in the moment. That right there can work miracles around me that I never imaged possible. The day I found I could say any prayer I wanted to help me through a moment or day, that was me experiencing freedom to know I had choices.

The one prayer I used in just about every waking and sleeping hour, was the shorten version of the serenity prayer. That prayer did just that, it brought my mind and body back to the very moment I was living. It helped me do a quick inventory of what was mine and what was NOT. It also helped me pause. As I have always been in a hurry, feeling there are not enough hours in the day to accomplish what I wanted to do or see!! So I am grateful for those brief pauses to take a deep breath and truly see the beauty around me. My favorite moments are when this happens outside. That moment when my eyes open to see the hummingbird exploring the various flowers in the yard, or the butterfly flitting around, or watching the clouds glide by presenting various figures I can identify.

I came across a new prayer online today. With all the technology today, the negatives and evil in our world is right at our finger tips and at the tip of our noses 24/7. I am sure all of the evil has always been there to some degree, that negativity just didn't have the luxury of technology to help carry it's message. What I love is that our amazing technology can also transmitt the beauty, love, compassion, and support for each other as well! I am amazed daily by the power of the mind and how I can shift my thought process and perspective to focus on life, truth, hope, trust, love and peace in my heart. Yes I need to be aware of that around me and protect myself, but I don't have to participate in that negativity and help it grow.

What prayer do you use or cherish in your everyday life.

Participation is the Key to Harmony...

This concept is my favorite. I really clung and absorbed this concept when I starting doing service work. I am grateful I was able to learn how to apply it into all aspects of my life. I am working in the Reaching for Personal Freedom workbook, and it shares, "Concept four addresses a deep spiritual need--belonging." I always wanted to belong growing up. Although my parents were amazing and always made me feel loved and that I belonged to an amazing family. Once I went to public school, I struggled with trying to be unique and myself, and finding that balance of fitting in with the "cool" kids. Constant struggle I had growing up, because I wasn't one of the cool kids. Anyhow, that is a tangent I didn't intend to get into.

What I really liked was the following quote, "Participation give us the courage to speak when appropriate, the maturity to be silent when needed, and the detachment to listen to other points of view without judgment. Concept four reminds us that we don't have to do everything, only our part." Wow, that is packed with strength, courage and hope! I thought I hit the gold when I figured out I didn't have to try running and balancing everyone else's life. I just had to maintain mine, while finding healthy boundaries and balance of living and loving those around. I am grateful today for the tools at my disposal, so I can accomplish that courage, live the maturity, and breath the detachment with love and no judgement. 

Heaven on Earth

I recently got back from a trip of a life time! I have a bucket list started of things I want to do. Well more accurately, it's places I want to visit and explore! For the last 10 or so years I have wanted to go to Jamaica. In fact, that is where I wanted to go for our honeymoon. Well, needless to say that honeymoon never happened. However, years later I saved up some money and set my mind to it to plan a trip to the Caribbean. My sister and I took a 7 day cruise to the western Caribbean where we visited Cozumel, Grand Cayman, and Montego Bay, Jamaica. It was amazing from the moment we left to the moment we got back! We also had a taste of New Orleans were we ported out of, which we will need to go back since we didn't have enough time to explore! 

I loved the color of the water in the Caribbean, so clear and the variety of blues! It was breath taking! My recent under water camera purchase did an amazing job above and below water capture the scenery so I can continue to enjoy the view after the trip. Every always asks, "What was your favorite part of the trip?" I must say the horseback ride and swim in Jamaica was my favorite; however, there were so many wonderful aspects of the trip I could go on and on! We did make some wonderful friends on the ship and would love to plan another cruise or vacation with soon! We were all about the same age, loud, obnoxious, and inappropriate. HA! We were a perfect combination of personalities. Anyhow, I thought I would share some of the moments I captured on our trip with you. Enjoy!

Cozumel (Using a filter)

  

Cozumel (no filter)

Cozumel

Cozumel underwater

Cozumel port - from the ship leaving port

Cozumel 

There were several ships at port (using filter)

Cozumel (My sister and Me)

Grand Cayman

I love reflection photos... can you tell?

Coral in Grand Cayman

Grand Cayman

Grand Cayman

Jamaica

Jamaica

Jamaica (I am on the left and my sister on the right)

Swimming in the ocean I am third from the left

Jamaica (using a filter)

Jamaica off the aft of the ship (panoramic) 

Jamaica (looking off the aft) 

I'm ready to go back for more.... anyone want to go with me?!! I'm serious... :)