Celebrate Everything

Today marks four years I embarked on my blogging adventure! It was, and still is, difficult to share my story openly and honestly. That level of vulnerability terrifies me to my bones! But I continue to work to overcome and conquer that unnecessary fear. Reading earlier posts, still brings tears to my eyes. But as I continue to walk, and share, this amazing journey, today I am celebrating everything and living life to the fullest! I'm proud of how far I have come and look forward to continuing to move forward. I work to surround myself with amazing and loving friends and family that accept me for who I am, and then still continue to love me. I'm truly blessed. I pray that maybe sharing my struggles and little successes will help give someone else the strength and courage to take back their own life, no matter what their own situation or details are.

I owe a huge thank you to all of you that follow my blog! Your love and support over the past few years has helped me build my courage and strength to take my life back into my own hands. I appreciate each and everyone of you! Thank you from the bottom of my heart! 

If I look for Love, I'll find Love.

Another beautiful year has zoomed by! However, I honestly can say this was a beautiful year for me where I worked hard to be in the moment and honestly enjoy the beauty around me. Also a year of taking life by the horns and really taking the power back. Crushing and dissolving my fears left and right. Also accepting and giving myself credit, although I had a lot of change in the last year and I have come a long ways in the last few years; My journey is just beginning!

The first day I walked into the rooms of Al-anon, was on this day, April 13th, six years ago. I will forever remember that date and that one hour I sat in a room filled with a diverse group of people that evening. My only purpose for going to the meeting was to support my dear new friend, who was struggling with an abusive alcoholic marriage and she was seeking answers. However, just after the first 10 or 15 minutes as the chairperson read the opening, I had tears rolling down my cheeks. I had no idea how broken spiritually and emotionally I was, as well as angry and encased in fear. I cried the entire hour and quickly realized, I needed to be in this room too! I also wanted to know what these amazing people had found. I couldn't put words to it, but you could feel the serenity, peace, and happiness from these people! And they were smiling!!? I wanted what they had. Since that pivotal point in my life, I have never looked back, I was ready to change. I am beyond thankful my Higher Power helped guide me to those rooms this specific day. Now don't get me wrong, I had days I questioned what I was getting myself into, of course. In those weak moments, I hung onto my hope and the support of my group to help carry me through those low and difficult times. The group, my sponsor(s), and my willingness to do the footwork in my program, helped me slowly build my confidence, my self-esteem, my self-love, my self-worth, and helped me find compassion and love for other people while detaching and not owning what was not mine, and many, many, many other beautiful blessings. It gave me a fresh new way to look at life. A fresh new way to look at myself and those around me. I'm still healing my deep wounds from the past, but as I have said before, today I know how to mend those wounds so they don't sit open and fester. Instead, if a wound is opened, I can take the time to tend and care for it so it can heal slowly.

This program taught me that I have choices; I can choose fear or I can choose love. More often than not in my past, I quickly choose fear, even after I had the awareness I didn't have to choose fear. It took time to realize in the moment of chaos, that I do have a choice. It takes practice. Today it is easier to accept and take action to choose love. However, I can easily jump on the old wagon of fear! Thankfully, today I know I can jump off that wagon anytime I wish. That is comforting and allows me to give myself some slack that sometimes my path is on that wagon of fear. Gives me an opportunity to learn something or heal another layer of pain through the experience.

"If I look for fear, I'll find fear. If I look for love, I'll find love. Which one do I choose to seek today?" Hope for Today

I am filled with gratitude today. Focusing on remembering to breath, take a deep breath, and look around me with a smile. I want to enjoy the moment! So that is what I am going to do.

Can I Pause?

It is hard to believe this year is coming to an end quickly! I seem to always feel that way the week after my birthday and as the holidays creep up on me. Speaking of birthday weekends, I think this last weekend was one of the best birthdays I have had in a long time. I had a trip to Vegas with my Sister and her man. I love going on adventures with those two. On my birthday, this past Sunday, I got a text from an old friend from High School who had a photo from my 16th birthday. I did not have that specific photo. It brought a big smile to my lips. Remembering back, that was a good day with all my dear friends.  My parents put together a "car rodeo" for my birthday since all of my friends were a bit older than me and we all drove. There were different events set up on my parents 10 acres and there were prizes to be won! It was an all day event and I remember everyone having a great time! Down to the bonfire at the end. Fond memories.

It is the most amazing feeling to feel happy in the moment today. It is also amazing to remember back on fond memories that make me smile. My heart feels light and happy today. Truly a blessing and a miracle, due to my hard work, footwork, and investment in myself that I was willing to put into life.

My thoughts are a bit all over the map today, so sorry if I jump from topic to topic. I was cleaning out one of my bags and came across a journal from four or so years ago. I enjoy reading older entries I wrote, giving an incredible insight into that moment and where I was at in that point in time. Many of my entries bring tears to my eyes and heart. Sometimes I have to put it down and walk away. There is so much sadness in my words and it just seeps from the pages and my handwriting. It takes me right back to that day. That is painful, but something I know I need to do periodically to recognize and be proud of how far I have come. The combination of fear and anger literally paralyzed me for so long. I am grateful that I had, and have, Al-Anon to help work through each of those days and emotions to find myself again.

Today I am beyond grateful for my family and my dear friends that mean the world to me. I love technology that helps me stay closely in touch with those I care about, in a flash of an eye.

I have been living life to it's fullest lately and I am struggling with reining it in a bit financially. I have been a bit crazy with having fun. **sigh** I have dug myself into a hole before, and you know what, I will dig myself out again. I will be ok. I just need to set my awesome discipline skills in some different areas of my life that I have been to lax. I don't want to let myself down or anyone else with bad choices. Although, I will be gentle with myself if I make a decision that is possibly less desirable.  You know why? Because it was my decision and I will live with the consequences and make better decisions from there. Trial and error.

On to another topic, I came across my step 9 letter to myself. Wow. I still have tears in my eyes. I needed to read that today. Here is a little bit to share that I wrote a couple years ago. "Be willing to make amends and take courageous steps to live those amends. It is true you treated yourself horribly by finding ways to beat yourself down or finding an excue to not take that leap of faith. This self-crippling was paralyzing; however, you have the awareness today to take that power back; to know you are worth the risks; you are worth whatever the outcome is."

Growth is so beautiful. It can be painful when going through it, but looking back it brings happy tears to my eyes and was worth the struggles. My heart swells with gratitude today. Almost don't have words to how happy and grateful I am right now. 

Things have been so amazing in so many areas of my life, I sometimes want to pause and bottle these amazing feelings. I realize that is the "old" me thinking, waiting for the shoe to drop. The funny thing is, I have the awareness today to realize I don't have to live my life with that thinking anymore. Life is going to happen. Disappointments are going to come my way. Results of choices I made may not be what I wanted or expected. The beauty of today, I can let go of that crazy thinking, the shoe is going to drop, because it probably will, that I don't have control over. What I do have control over is how I react to each of those shoes being tossed at me. Which today I am feeling more confident in my self-esteem to take on each of those challenges head on and conquer each one in my own little way. Living in the moment and making the best of each moment. Life is amazing today.

Milestones

With the world shifting drastically around me, I haven't had a lot of energy to share here. However, I had a productive and spiritually peaceful day today. Now I can't seem to sleep and I was drawn to my blog to share. THEN I realized, oh my, this weekend marks my three year anniversary in Bloggerville! Milestones have always been important to me, in the respect it helps me keep life in perspective. In past years, milestones would possibly cause me sadness and my view of them could really bring me down. As the years go by, I certainly feel I have a different perspective and respect for milestones. They allow me to take inventory of myself. Am I headed in the direction I want to be going? Do I have have faith and trust myself, as well as trusting my HP? Am I accomplishing the goals I set out to conqueror? Am I painting a picture and laying the foundation of my life to ensure I live and capture my happiness each day?

To answer these questions and take my life to the next level, I had to close the book of a deep and loving relationship close to my heart and soul. As I look back and read through some of my earlier posts, I sit back and am honestly in awe the journey I have walked in the last few years. The power of journalling and sharing the challenges and successes, is truly a miracle in its self. There are so many moments in our lives, it is impossible to remember them all! What a powerful way to help capture a few of those moments, I might otherwise have forgotten or tucked away in a memory buried beneath other memories. I am filled with gratitude today. My heart is sad, but strong today.

"Living with joys and problems affirms my membership in the human race. What sets me apart is the path on which I have been placed to walk. No one can walk it for me, nor can I change my path to suit anyone else." CtoC

"The shell that had enclosed my life, that had prevented me from living and loving, has cracked, and the power of the Al-Anon program is filling the void that for years kept me at a distance from life." ~As We Understood...

Here is to resting peacefully tonight like my precious pup so easily does... Pleasant dreams my friends!

Opening New Doors To Life

As I continue to learn, I have to walk through the pain to get to the other side. I am learning to feel the feelings I have and use the tools at my disposal. Through my sadness this week, I called my sponsor, I went several meetings, read my literature, and worked to learn from the experience. When I start to walk down the path of wishing for what I don't have, it never ends well. I don't like that dark place.

Today I am opening new doors through my eyes and heart for new possibility! I am the only one that can shift my perspective. The outlook on life, that happiness in my heart, that has to start with me and is my responsibility. I choose to rejoice today in what I have, and I know that fresh new experiences are always ahead. What I have today, is exactly what I need. I will trust in my HP and know that life is a wonderful thing that I will relish in today.

My weekend is filled with low key plans with my family and friends to celebrate my birthday. I am looking forward to all of it. I am also looking forward to having H join in all of the festivities. That means a lot to me. I will however, keep the expectations out of the picture to help me enjoy and be in the moment.

It is chilly here in the desert, I hope you are all staying warm and well, while relishing in your serenity. That is my goal and wrapping myself with self-love and surrounding myself with others that love me for who I am. 

Bloggerville Celebration in August!

Earlier this month marked my TWO year anniversary in Bloggerville! Wow, where does time go?! I am still enjoying the journey and want to thank each and everyone one of you for reading and following my blog, whether you stop by on the website or you receive the email blasts. Again, thanks for your support, love, and encouragement! I hope you keep coming back! ;0)

The greatest inspiration is often born of desperation. You can learn new things at any time in your life if you're willing to be a beginner. If you actually learn to like being a beginner, the whole world opens up to you. ~Barbara Sher

Weekend Full of Wishes

The last three days have been a bit of a whirl wind! I enjoyed a day off on Friday to celebrate my birthday. It was filled with many wishes from friends and family. Thank you to you all! H surprised me bright an early Friday morning before I went to Bootcamp with a dozen roses. I love getting flowers! 

Earlier in the week, my Mother-n-law had flowers sent to my work. They were gorgeous!

I was proud of myself for getting up early and going to work out! However, I was exhausted from getting up several hours before that with H, so I went back to bed for a bit. Then got up to meet up with a very dear friend of mine. We went to a small local Italian Bakery and Cafe! What a treasure! Then off for a hike on a new trail we had not tried before. I'll be honest, after the workout that morning I was dieing on our hike! But I loved the company and it was nice to be outside. Then later that evening I had a wonderful dinner and laughs with my family. Although late, H even showed up. It was a truly blessed day.

I wanted to have a weekend away with H. So that's what we did. I actually wanted to spend sometime, just the two of us. I went into the weekend with no expectations and just focused on living in the moment. I was prepared for anything to change. As it usually does. We ended up going to all the places I had hoped we would visit. Normally, I try to control every moment and on guard in anticipation of the next moment. However, I did a good job going with the flow. Not being a doormat, but being honest when I was asked, "What do you want to do now?" As silly as that sounds, in the past I would answer what I thought H would want to do or prefer to do, so he was happy. When he was happy, I felt better, but wasn't always necessarily happy. I feel today I can still be considerate and compassionate for H's feelings, that's who I am; however, now I can be honest of what I really want to do, whether it's on H's want-to-do list or not. It's nice to see and experience boundaries we both have established. Living with choices. I am still amazed at the healthier and loving relationship H and I have today, than what it was just a short three years ago. This weekend worked out just the way it was suppose too. Here are some photos from the weekend at Bearizona, Grand Canyon, and Oak Creek Canyon. Enjoy!

Bison

Alaskan Tundra Wolf

Alaskan Tundra Wolf

Wolf - a different species but I don't remember...

Black Bear

Harris Hawk

Harris Hawk

Owl

Owl in Flight

Owl in Flight

Beautiful Bird

Canadian Lynx

Fox

Grand Canyon South Rim

Grand Canyon South Rim

Grand Canyon South Rim

Breath taking every time I go...

 

Oak Creek Canyon - Near Slide Rock Park

December 7th, Courage to Change, Today's Reminder:

I deserve to make choices that let me feel good about myself. It may take a while to see results, but I am building a life that promotes my health and self-esteem. It's worth the wait.

Blogging Celebration in August!

Earlier this month marked my one year anniversary in Bloggerville! Wow, hard to believe it's been a year already! I've enjoyed the journey so far and want to thank each and everyone one of you for reading and following my blog, whether you stop by on the website or you receive the email blasts. Again, thanks for your support, love, and encouragement! Keep coming back! ;0)


The greatest inspiration is often born of desperation. You can learn new things at any time in your life if you're willing to be a beginner. If you actually learn to like being a beginner, the whole world opens up to you. ~Barbara Sher

Weekend Updates

Yesterday after work I stopped off at Walgreeens and when I came back out my car would not start. I must say I was quite disappointed as I just had a new battery put in not that long ago! It has not even been a year since I bought the car and I've had little issues on and off. Anyhow, there was a Jifffy next door, so I asked the guys if they could test my battery. They did and it was fine. I was a afraid of that and instantly knew it was most likely my starter. **sigh** So I called my insurance roadside assistance, which I've never used before. Found a dealership not far from where I was parked and my insurance found a tow company that would cover the trip up to the dealership. The catch was this was not the location I bought my car. Competitor. Needless to say, it was Friday afternoon and they were closing in an hour. After speaking to the guy in service, he told me he couldn't wait past 6 pm or they would take him to jail. Um, what? In addition, he had to diagnose my car before he could give me a loaner car. Again, uh? Sir, I'm about 25 miles from home, my car is dead in the water, I have no way to get home, my car is under warranty, and you are telling me you can't help me. The guy was a piece of work, and I get the sense he really doesn't like his job as he wasn't very nice to me and also didn't want to deal with this "situation" on a Friday night. Well, H gets pretty frustrated with me that I don't tell these type of people "how it's going to be." Instead I usually find an alternate way to make things work. I did shed some tears as it was pretty warm out, I was frustrated with the conversations that were happening, I had plans that I was going to be late too, and I simply don't care to deal with jerks, such as the service guy. H then made the phone call and had to call back several times as the service guy keep hanging up. The end result, the awesome tow guy managed to get me to the dealership before 6 pm and the service guy had a loaner car waiting for me so I could get home that night.

The dealership called me in this morning that they needed to fix my starter. Thankfully it was under factory warranty, so I didn't have to deal with fighting to get my extended warranty honored. I must say the loaner car was pretty awesome! It was the newer version of mine, but with a lot more perks! I have my car back and didn't have to pay a dime. It was a little rocky, but everything worked out just fine. In fact, last night I still had time to meet up with the girlfriends I had plans with last night. I was grateful we were still able to spend some time together, as we don't always see each other anymore.

My Grandma is having her 90th birthday this month. Today was the only day we could get some friends and family together to have a surprise birthday party for her. She was very surprised and happy. She received a handful of gifts and cards, which made her smile. Grandma loved the cake I made for my Dad, so I made it again and decorated with some color! It was a hit!

Life is good. Laughter is plentiful. And love has blessed our home.

Keep Coming Back!

Keep coming back was the topic in our meeting last night. I thought it was quite appropriate for this week since today is my Al-Anon birthday! The day I walked into these rooms and was handed a newcomer packet, I wrote that date on the packet. I still have that packet with the date and the gal that wrote her number on the front of it. She became my first sponser not long after that. I left that first meeting with hope that things could get better.

My home group doesn't celebrate birthdays; however, I've been to meetings where they do celebrate birthdays. I've seen both where the one celebrating will share their story or their sponsor or someone representing them will share that person's growth from their perspective! Really cool.

I'm a lifer in this amazing program and I will keep coming back!

"Al-Anon is the light that helps me find my way in the dark." Courage to Change

Sunday

On Sunday, family and friends gathered to celebrate my Dad's birthday. My sister hosted and cooked. I baked a decadent chocolate cake. Yes, I placed each of those chocolate chips by hand. It took me about 45 minutes. My Dad is a huge chocolate fan! Everything turned out delicious and enjoyed by all.

Life is a whirl wind right now. Some moments it feels like a tornado is trying to rip through my path. So today I'm working hard to stay grounded. The daily reading yesterday provided a new perspective on Detachment for me. Detachment: "Emotionally separating myself from the disease of alcoholism." I know I've read this passage before and each time I read it I'm in a new place and find a different value to the same words. I'm grateful for detachment and being able to use this wonderful tool. I've had to learn and experience detachment in phases. It took me a while to grasp the concept of detachment, but I would hear others share their experiences with detachment with love and remember thinking, I want that.

Some of those phases: Detachment to me is to allow the other person to live their life and make their own decisions. Being aware of what is my business and what is not. Constantly working on those healthy boundaries. Loving another person's best and not fearing their worst. Seeing and loving the person behind the disease. Forgiving myself and others. Letting go of resentments. Building those healthy boundaries helps me not react. Shows me how to find my own serenity.

I look forward to discovering new layers of detachment in my recovery.

"... Detachment is not caring less, it's caring more for my own serenity." -Courage to Change