San Francisco

Our team is so amazing and organized we took the afternoon off today! We are prepped and ready to start our conference bright and early tomorrow morning. It will be a crazy four days but feel good it will run smoothly.

It's time to get some rest! But first wanted to share a couple of photos so far from the trip. 

These are different views from my hotel room :)

Today

Have you had the problem of TOO many inspirations to write about that you don't know where to start or how to finish any of them? Well, that would be me lately. On top of being a little spread thin. But that's ok. It's a good day and not going to beat myself up over it. Keeping it simple and will just share some updated photos of my garden that I took today.

Our first tomato of the season!

Jalapeno are blooming!

Cucumber is clinging to everything and blooming! The lettuce is about ready to cut, YUM!

 

One of my FAVORITE herbs, Dill.

Something new for me, Terragon

Bell Peppers are going nuts!

Chocolate Mint is growing like crazy and great to eat right off the plant.

Update on JJ

Update on JJ. He has been on medicine for about a week now and he is feeling better. He has a ways to go, but he is on the road to recovery and getting back to his feisty little self! Thank you for the well wishes and positive thoughts for him.

I survived work this week. Barely. We have everything packed for the conference and all of it is being shipped to the hotel for next week. I'm looking forward to another visit to San Francisco! It's such an awesome city!

Our district is putting on a workshop tomorrow and we are expecting 60 -70 people. I'm helping with registration, so I'll be up early. Should be a fun filled day of speakers sharing their experience, strength and hope.

Well, it's been a long day and long week. It's off to bed to try to gather some of my energy back. Have a wonderful night!

Herbs Year Round

My fall garden is doing GREAT! I lost a few of the plants, but the majority are growing by leaps and bounds! I'll take some photos soon and share. But today I received The Herb Companion newsletter and they talk about building your own Cold Frame for Herbs. Pretty cool idea if you have the room outside.

Happy Gardening my friends!

Busy, Busy, Busy

The days and weeks are just flying by this month. I just wanted to share a few thoughts as I gather some energy to share. As I mentioned October is always an extremely busy month and energy drainer. There is a lot of pressure at work as we come into the final days before the conference that we put on for about 650 attendees. Although there is a lot of pressure and we are in crunch mode, I feel that I'm managing the stress level really well. On a personal level it's been a great couple of weeks, lots of discovery and growth in my program. It's exciting! But tiring. :0)

On top of all that, our oldest but littlest dog, JJ has not been feeling well lately. He is a feisty and adorable miniature poodle. He is 11 1/2 year old and still acts like a puppy, except for the last couple of weeks. His spirits were up this morning and he has an appointment with the vet tomorrow. My husband and I struggle with veterinarian clinics and that's for another post. But despite our concerns, our dog's well being is more important today. Please keep him in your prayers that it is nothing too serious.

Here's to making today awesome and living in the moment - no matter what!

Trusting Myself

I've been house/pet sitting on the opposite side of the outskirts of town that I live in for the last several days. It's always a nice escape. The views are beautiful and I get to spend time with the horses and dogs. However, I was going a little stir crazy today, so I looked up a meeting near by and cruised into town to find it. It ended up being a Fourth Step meeting working out of the Blueprint for Progress workbook. It was a small but decent sized group for a Sunday morning. The topic today was Trust. It amazes me how my HP works through others in the rooms of Al-Anon. I heard exactly what I needed to hear today.

Yesterday I had a conversation with my husband about us trying to plan a vacation. We've only taken a handful of vacations in the past 14 years we've been together. 100% I planned and he hated. I've been trying to make an effort to find a common ground between us and try to plan a vacation that would work for both of us. Let me tell you, it's a tough. He doesn't enjoy anything that I like and visa verse. That makes it nearly impossible to do ANYTHING.

Anyhow, in the conversation he finally made a suggestion of packing the car in 10 minutes and then just drive. That was it. He said this several times and I just didn't understand what he meant. I don't understand how to not "plan" at least what direction you head or book a hotel or campsite in advance. This sounded very spontaneous to me, which I struggle with. I have learned in the program that I can plan the day but not the outcome. Overall I've improved with this as I'm a planner through and through. Or maybe what I really meant was I'm a control freak. However, today I can plan the day and if it doesn't go exactly as I planned, I'm getting better at accepting that and rolling with the punches. So, I did say I would be willing to try this type of vacation. Needless to say the conversation didn't end as I had hoped.

I really thought a lot about that conversation, it was very much like ones we've had in the past. They just go around and around and never go anywhere. Except, this time I felt like I was really trying to listen to what we were both saying. I honestly learned a few things about myself from that conversation. It confirmed to me that I still have a lot of work to do on my control issues. Also interesting to see how other character defects are very closely entwined with my need to control. Although, I have been able to let go of a lot of control over the disease. I still have a strong grip on other aspects of our relationship. Perhaps that grip is still tight in attempt to help hold that stability and balance that I am forever striving for? It hit me in the meeting today that to trust depends on my ability to relinquish control that honestly I never had in the first place. Ah, the illusions that sparkle on the horizon. If you were to ask me if I trust him, I would say absolutely. But do I trust myself to let go of the control and need to plan every detail? Could I hand over that control to let him plan a spontaneous trip? I must admit the idea gives me some anxiety, but I think I could try. It would be good for me to hand over my will to my HP and trust that this power greater then myself will take care of us. Now I understand it is important that I still do my part, particularly in trusting my instincts and this new way of thinking. It might actually be fun!

We will see what happens. A lot of honesty today. I'm taking a deep breath. Thanks for letting me share.

Yup, A Better Way

I sort of feel like I went off on a tangent yesterday and didn't complete my thought on detachment, a better way to live. I suppose that happens when I discover a lot of new things all at once.

I'd like to start with a blurb I acquired when I first came into the program trying to grasp what detachment with love meant. I'm not entirely sure where it came from, but continue to carry it around and I reference it often.

You will know that you have found detachment when you can feel empathy for the alcoholic in your life without feeling tied to the alcoholic's drinking and behavior, when you can accept constructive criticism without the old feeling of failure, and when you can hear impassioned pleas without giving in to them. You will know that you have found detachment when you are accused falsely and do not feel guilty, when you can laugh at the funny things in your life, when you can cry and not care who sees it, when you can show anger in a positive way. You have gained detachment when you can see, truly see, that the people whom you love must live their own lives, make their own mistakes, and live with the consequences of their acts. And that they are not doing it to you. Fill yourself with self-worth, not self-importance. Put all things into perspective. Practice detachment. It is the key that finally frees one from the strongest of all chains, the bondage of self.

I agree with Melody Beattie that detachment is a good tool to start with. Once I can loosen my grip of these old habits and allow others to live their life, it provides a freedom that is liberating! I like how she phrases that detachment is not easy, but it is simple.

I can remember when I first heard someone describe detachment, I didn't understand the meaning of the word at all. I was so intertwined with everyone else's life, I couldn't even comprehend the thought of letting go and detaching. It takes practice, over and over again. In fact, at first detaching had to be done with what ever emotion I could muster, it wasn't always love. Then a lot of what the reading describes above, detachment is not a bad thing. I felt the idea had a bad or unpleasant connotation to it. Beattie explains that detachment is not cold or hostile withdrawal or shrinking of my responsibilities to myself or others. Nor is it removal of my love or concern for those I care about. I use to think, I can't just walk away or not be involved with someone I love! But I knew I had to try something to escape the chaos in my mind and surrounding me. I'm grateful I can see detachment as a wonderful tool today. More importantly, experience the serenity I have when I can successful detach with love. Detaching teaches me how to care, love, and be involved without going crazy. By allowing myself to disengage from the unhealthy behaviors of others and keeping "my hands" out of their business. This opens up opportunities and the freedom for all involved to grow and be responsible for themselves. Keeping it simple.

A Better Way

My "side" job has allowed me some quiet time to catch up on some reading and reflect on some new thoughts. It's been a beautiful day. The weather was perfect for sitting outside to read. Detachment was the main thread in my reading today. It continues to amaze me how powerful putting something that seems impossible to understand into its true perspective and have a profound effect on my paradigm shift of thinking. Melody Beattie's book Codependent No More helped shape a new richer way to view detachment and how to apply that to my everyday life. Melody goes on to say that worrying, obsessing, & controlling are an illusion in our minds.

Backing up a little bit, after reading stories of people that have had a difficult and challenging childhood, I always find myself sitting back and in awe at what these individuals have been through and how far they have come. Very powerful. The dilemma I have is I have a tough time relating to a lot of these childhood stories as I feel like I had a wonderful childhood. My parents were not alcoholics. We were not rich by any means, but we had strong family core values and support for each other. My parents made many sacrifices so my sister and I would have as many opportunities to explore our world and try to find who we were as a person. I'm grateful for all of that. So I think, where was the turning point for me that I became this "crazy" person?! Where did these habits of Codependency stem from? Could it truly be that I encountered the disease of alcoholism later in life and adapted these behaviors as a result of that? A late bloomer? Oh my, then it runs through my mind, why am I looking for that turning point or excuse to leverage off of? Perhaps my perfectionism characteristic is peeking out? Also I wondered, do I feel left out that I didn't have a difficult childhood? No, that is ridiculous I tell myself. I do feel it is important to know where I came from to help move forward. Crazy how my mind can yo-yo back and forth! It eventually balances at a bit and the thinking can move forward.

There are a few components of my family's history that I know of and I'm sure are a piece of this puzzle. Those are for another day and more exploration. But I realized today that after reading Beattie's book, she suggests we develop "an attitude of attachment of worry, reacting, and obsessively trying to control. Maybe we have lived... through events that were out of control. Maybe the obsessing and controlling is the way we kept things in balance or temporarily kept things from getting worse. And then we just kept on doing it. Maybe we're afraid to let go." It really hit me when I read the part of living through an event that was out of control. There was a very traumatic event that happened to my family the summer before my 2nd grade year in school. For some of us I think traumatic events can tend to be deleted or at least suppressed deeply into our minds that we forget them on some level. But sub-consciously the affects of those events linger. As I recently shared my family would drive into town everyday to drop my Dad off at work. One work day we were at my grandparents when the house phone rang. Who would of known our lives would forever change after that? We lived in a small community out in the country, at the time we had a State Route address, we were very rural. The small volunteer fire department in our little community called to let us know our house had caught fire. Of course, the volunteer fire department were all dear friends of ours and were desperately trying to save our home. I only remember bits and pieces of the rest of that day and weeks to follow. I do remember my parents telling me that our friends tried to save my cat, Cinderella (Cinder for short). But they were not able to, she died in the fire. That was my very first pet. Now mind you I tormented that poor cat and she had quite a mean streak in her, but I loved her dearly. I can't help think today if that event was my turning point of adapting many of these behaviors to help put stability and balance back into my life after losing our home and a pet? I always had a sense of being the glue that held my family together through rough times, I wonder if I took on that responsibility at the young age of 7 or 8 when we lost our home as a way to cope?

Today my parents and sister tend to grip onto "things" and have a hard time letting them go. I wonder if some of that stems from our lose so many years ago? I have a little bit of that hanging onto to "things" but not to the extreme. I think this turning point sent me in an opposite direction of attaching to people and everything about THEM such as their moods, behaviors, and emotions. I fit neatly into the descriptions of a codependent! As I read this section in her book and started to connect dots of my past with the now, I just keep saying wow. I think a lot of my behaviors I adapted are part of that and then I just keep on using those survival techniques to find a balance I lost so long ago.

The discovery of new pieces in my recovery are exciting and fascinating. Another part of the puzzle has been put together to reveal a promising today and an open door ways for tomorrow.

It'll Rain on a Sunny Day

I was listening to classic vinyl today and CCR came on with "Have You Ever Seen the Rain?". Such a simple and beautiful song. Mid September I read one of Syd's post and have been sitting with it since then. Today, I think I'm ready to share. The post stirred up a lot of emotions and questions, that ended up being a bit of information overload. Although, I felt it was important for me to work through what I was feeling. Therefore, I gave myself some space to feel those emotions and ponder those questions. I'll tell ya, that alone is a HUGE step in the right direction for my recovery.

In the past I would cling to any relationship I could, whether it was healthy or not. I cared. I seeked approval and affirmation. I could help the "victim". I could also play the "victim".  The need to control. Lack of self-confidence to make any kind of decision on my own. Bottled up anger. Fear of abandonment. I started to see a pattern here. Melody Beattie describes in her book these are symptoms and characteristics of Codependency. I'm not the type of person to throw away another person or relationship just because it's rocky. I would simply take on the other persons emotions, feelings, responsibilities, etc, etc. It was time to set up healthy boundaries and not walls. I have found it is crucial for my sanity to learn what my boundaries are in each relationship I have. When the unacceptable behavior occurs and my boundaries are not respected, it's time for me to re-evaluate the situation and possibility the relationship if this is ongoing. I'm gaining the courage to remove myself from these situations to take care of myself if my boundaries are not being honored. This is a fine line that I walk. Being careful that I'm not just throwing a temper tantrum because it's not going my way. Gradually, I am building these healthy boundaries and tearing down old patterns of my codependency. A huge piece to this has been my inventory steps, which have helped me find balance in my self-image and building a strong base so I can use my courage. Then in return I can be an active part of my relationships instead of answering yes to all the these questions:

Melody Beattie, author of Codependent No More that I'm reading right now provided a check list:

- Do you feel responsible for other people--their feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being and destiny?

- Do you feel compelled to help people solve their problems or by trying to take care of their feelings?

- Do you find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others than about injustices done to you?

- Do you feel safest and most comfortable when you are giving to others?

- Do you feel insecure and guilty when someone gives to you?

- Do you feel empty, bored and worthless if you don't have someone else to take care of, a problem to solve, or a crisis to deal with?

- Are you often unable to stop talking, thinking and worrying about other people and their problems?

- Do you lose interest in your own life when you are in love?

- Do you stay in relationships that don't work and tolerate abuse in order to keep people loving you?

- Do you leave bad relationships only to form new ones that don't work, either?

I've had to end some relationships. It was the right thing to do for me at the time. I realize today that perhaps I didn't handle the "exit" of the relationships as smoothly as I could have. I still grieve, but I'm slowing making amends with myself first. Then Step nine can occur with those handful of people from my past.


"Someone told me long ago

There's a calm before the storm

I know it's been coming for some time

When it's over so they say

It'll rain on a sunny day

I know shinning down like water"

There are other relationships that I am finding it easier today to address those single situations as they arise. It's the "bigger picture" or long term that I sit on the fence pondering and has a tendency to tear me apart. It is difficult to remember to live in the today and what is best right now. Not to project what I "want" for the future. As Syd shared, I also can see the "worth underneath the alcoholic demeanor". My hope and desire to change that person use to be wrapped and drenched with the details of the questions listed above. It's been a tough and windy road realizing each of those details I have zero control over the other person. Step one is a beautiful, beautiful step. Admitting we are powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable. I always move forward towards this step. These wants and hopes don't entirely go away when the one you love is deeply drowning in the disease. Lost. No sense of direction or desire to take action for help. The universe pull I have always felt towards this person has always been uncannily strong for me. My love is undeniable. I see the kind, caring, beautiful soul that is beneath the rain on a sunny day. This brings tears to my eyes, just as the song does. Thankfully today, even though I can still see the sun is cold and the rain is hard, hope peeks from underneath clouds in the far distance. I say a little pray everyday that my HP will help me see the difference between my old "hope" and my new "hope". 

Valleys & Hills

It's been a long week. Earlier this week I was not in a good place. I really struggled with old "stinking" thinking from the past. I will be honest that I am proud of myself though as I realized the presence of the "stinking" thinking immediately when I woke up and worked very hard to take precautions through out the day to not react or take action on anything until I sat with it for a while. I knew I was not in the right place in my mind to make any major decisions. I seriously needed an attitude adjustment! I'm not completely sure why I was having a rough day. But I am sure it's a combo of things going on currently and possibly things that have stirred up from the past that are trying to surface for my attention. I was overall gentle with myself yesterday as I was going through this valley, but I worked through each moment and challenges that arouse throughout the day. One of the best parts is I survived.

Today I woke up refreshed and ready for the new day. We had some rain last night and early this morning that dropped the temperature significantly! It was an AMAZINGLY beautiful day. I'm so grateful I could work through the moments and remove the foggy glasses and inner bad attitude that wanted to cling to me. Craziness still surrounds me, but my vision has cleared today and my inner peace has settled back into my soul. I'm very grateful for the tools of my program that help me survive the days I have to walk in the valley. 

Today the news has been focusing on Steve Jobs' death. I honestly didn't know much about him or the fact that he owned Apple, before today. I learned a lot about this influential man today. It really took me back to my childhood. Pancreatic cancer claimed my Grandpa's life many years ago. On a much smaller scale, he was also an entrepreneur and inspiration to those in his life. He always gave a lot of himself to others, sometimes in trade for something else but a lot of the time for the common good. As a kid, my family would drive into town to drop my Dad off at work and then we would spend the day at my grandparents. I have many fond memories of hanging out with my Grandpa. He was always on an adventure and I was more than willing to tag along. We worked in his garden, hung out in his office, tinkered with tools in the garage, or worked on the rose bushes in the front yard. I remember that meals were always quite "proper". Now I think it was more to teach us manners at the table, but it felt over the top at Grandma & Grandpa's. My Grandpa would tell us to chew every bite 30 times before swallowing. I would just giggle and try it for the first couple of bites, then chow down the rest of my food. Now I realize it probably was really good advice. I also remember there were a LOT of items in the house that were Grandma's that we, the kids, were NOT to touch. Oh I can remember the temptation to touch those "pretty forbidden" things! I'm sure my sister and I occasionally got in trouble for doing what we were not suppose to do!

Although I didn't personally know Steve Jobs, he seems to have been quite a positive influence in our world and culture. I feel really lucky to have known my Grandpa for the time he was in my life. I feel he was a positive influence to me during my younger years that was all part of my path to become who I am today.

Christmas of 1993, our family spent that beautiful morning together sitting with Grandpa. Later that day he passed away peacefully at home. I shed a lot of tears for our lose, but feel as a family we knew he would want us to celebrate his life and live our lives to the fullest in his memory!

All of this really has me thinking that no matter how tough a situation or day is for me, I have to live in the moment today. Cherish and learn from every situation, every hill and valley that I travel through. Remembering that I am an important part of the bigger picture around me. As Steve Jobs said, “I want to put a ding in the universe.” No matter how small or large, I hope to leave my positive ding in this universe. Another quote that is blasted anywhere you read about Steve Jobs, “We’re born, we live for a brief instant, and we die. It’s been happening for a long time. Technology is not changing it much — if at all.” So true, life goes by in such a blink of an eye! I don't want to waste another day or moment being jaded or stuck forever in a valley blinded by my character defects. I feel the valleys are necessary, but to pull the strength and knowledge of going through those rough times to make the view from the hills better each time. Here is to living the best today that I can!

Apple Snack Squares

As I mentioned, it's a birthday season now through December for our family and friends. I made our family favorite Apple Snack Squares this weekend for my sister's birthday. It's been a while since we've had these goodies.

2 cup sugar
2 eggs
3/4 cup vegetable oil
2 1/2 cup self rising flour*
1 tsp ground cinnamon
3 cup diced peeled tart apples
1 cup chopped nuts
3/4 cup butterscotch chips

In a bowl, combine sugar, eggs, & oil, mix well. Stir in flour & cinnamon (batter will be thick). Stir in apples & nuts. Spread in a greased 13 x 9 x 2 baking pan. Sprinkle with chips. Bake at 350 degrees for 35-40 minutes or until golden & a toothpick inserted near the center comes out clean. Cool before cutting 2 dozen.

*note: as a substitute for each cup of self rising flour, place 1 1/2 tsp baking powder & 1/2 tsp salt in a measuring cup add all -purpose flour to equal 1 cup.

Happy Birthday month to my sister! :0) Hope you get to enjoy this goodness!

Concept Four

As I mentioned, I'm working through the concepts. Al-Anon is based on three legacies; Recovery, Unity, and Service. Recovery through the steps, Unity through the traditions, and Service through the concepts.

My sponsor and I discussed concept four this past week. Every time we discuss a new one, I find myself saying this is my new favorite concept. Makes me smile, I have a feeling I will have a special place for each one in my heart. I really like the concepts because I feel they can be applied to anybody's everyday life, whether you are in the Al-Anon program or not. Today I'd like to share on concept four, which is "Participation is the key to harmony".

I've pulled insight and examples out of two Al-Anon books, How Al-Anon Works and Paths to Recovery. I am a visual person, so I find some readings to be dry and I'm not able to relate to them unless they paint a picture I can "see". An example in Paths to Recovery describes participation and respect through an orchestra. "We might think of it as if we were playing the instruments in an orchestra. There is a conductor whom we willingly follow in order to coordinate our music. Each of us has a different instrument and plays a different set of notes. All participants know that in order to make music, rather than noise, following the conductor's leadership is necessary. Similarly, in Al-Anon each trusted servant has a job to fulfill and accepts guidance when it is appropriate." (pg 272) When I was younger I played in a youth orchestra, and it was a perfect example to me that when everyone was responsible for their part, we made beautiful music and the harmony among us was amazing. However, when one or two people were off and not taking responsibility for their part in the group, it was a rocky performance or practice that struggled to find any kind of harmony.

I really like the next couple of paragraphs as a description of participation. "There are two sides to participation - giving of ourselves and including others. We give of ourselves, our opinions, and our time; we become participants. Those in leadership positions include others by consulting members for discussion before taking action. Full participation leads to harmony because there is less opposition and alienation when all of us have a chance to contribute our voice and our vote.

Respect for ourselves and others, combined with full participation, helps us to serve Al-Anon as trusted servants. We come to realize we really are being trusted, not only to do the work, but to decide what work is important and how to go about doing it. As each service body and the membership at large practice the principle of participation, our deep desire to belong is satisfied in a fellowship of caring equals. We are spiritually nourished when we participate." (pg 276)
Although I have to work hard to apply this level of participation at home, it is worth my sanity to be able to put these principles to play and provide others with respect to have their voice. This also allows me to listen to that other voice and be able to realize what they are suggestion might be just as good as my idea or even a better idea! Then be able to trust that other person with the plan of action that we both decided on and accept whatever the outcome ends up being. A lot of letting go of the control, but even more of building that harmony through communication and mutual respect for each other.

In the book How Al-Anon Works, it describes concept four as practicing mutual respect for ourselves and others. When I can honestly respect myself and those around me I can view everyone as equals instead of inferiors or superior. "Without this respect, participation can be the key to chaos." (p132)

Service Fun!

Today was a full day. I hold the Group Representative (GR) service position for my Al-Anon group, one of my responsibilities is to attend two assemblies a year. The Fall assembly, which was today, was close by and I didn't have to travel to another city in the state. I'm very grateful for that. Another bonus I was able to carpool with two of my Al-Anon friends. It's nice to catch up after the two gals have been away for the summer. At these assemblies, GR's from all over the state gather to share and gather information about functions, growth, and unity in Al-Anon. Again, it's nice to see old friends that I only get to see a couple times of year when we gather for these assemblies. Between catching up and gather all the details, it's a FULL day of information. I'm in awe of the amazing people that coordinate the days events, participate at any level, and many who jump in feet first into service to this program and the miracle that arises out of everyone doing their part. Although there was a lot of information to cover, today ran smoothly and we completed early! 

I felt today was a good day. It is empowering to be among people with a common interest and each taking steps to continue our program's growth and unity. Even though none of us are perfect and never will be, we work towards progression every step of the way. Through service I've been able to stretch my spiritual growth to lengths I don't believe I would of accomplished otherwise.

One of my favorite parts of attending the assemblies is hearing others share their story, weaving how volunteering for service has grown their program to help get them where they are today. I want to work towards being a strong speaker like the one's that shared today. It can be very healing and rewarding to help pass on the message of this new way to live.

A lot of information to digest. Another full day tomorrow with family and friends. It's the season of birthdays for our family and the celebration starts tomorrow! A lot to do, but I'm looking forward to it! Night my friends.