The Journey Continues, One Day at a Time

I am filled with gratitude today with the amazing people I have in my life. I feel blessed beyond words. For so many years I suppressed my support group of family and friends, all due to the family disease. I exerted so much energy on H, I didn't have time to maintain relationships, let alone work to have healthy relationships.

As I shared back in July, I reached deep within myself for courage to take steps to move forward in a different direction. I am grateful H and I were both amicable through the entire process. Today, in the mail was the final and signed document from the courts. Over the last 5 to 6 years, I have worked to rebuild my character, spirit, and emotional state so I could find happiness and peace in my soul. It was, and still is, not an easy journey, but I feel like a completely different person. Today I practice healthier habits in how I treat myself and my relationships with others. In July, I felt I took the weight of the world off of my shoulders. In a way, I freed my heart and spirit from the constant burden of worry and unhappiness I insisted on participating in. The courage to let go of someone that I loved dearly, was one of the hardest decisions I had to make. Although difficult, I knew in my heart, it was the right decision for me, and H. We were not right for each other, even though we loved each other. Keeping it simple, we were a round peg trying to fit into a square hole.

If I am completely honest, I do feel sad today. The sadness stems from more of those layers of grieving of what we will never have in our relationship. I am grateful that I was able to listen to my HP, that I was never going to change H and had to take care of me. So as I took better care of myself and started living life in a way that brought me pure happiness. I realized slowly these past 5 or so years, that happiness together with H, was not in the cards. Also, seeing and living closely with the unwillingness in him to never change. Those are the things that make me sad on this day. It is surreal in a way and bittersweet to close this chapter of my life.

I, also, feel ecstatic and excited!! Recently I was out of town for a fun girls' weekend, exploring a new place and adventure in Northern California! Girls' trips are good for the soul. Then on top of that, traveling makes me smile from ear to ear for weeks prior, during, and after the trip! Prior to the girls' trip, I had a trip of a life time visiting New Orleans for a few days with my Sister, her man, and some other friends. Both trips were filled with new adventures, learning the history of the area, amazing food that I am still drooling over, great people watching, and lots of laughter with friends. I feel free as a bird today. I feel happy down to my bones. 

Please enjoy a few photos I took on both trips.

Jackson Square looking at the Catholic Cathedral

The oldest Cemetery

General Beauregard & Writer Keyes home

Amador County

We made a road trip to Lake Tahoe while we were in California

Humility?

Overall, it was a great day. I have a lot to be grateful for. I had the opportunity to spend some quality time with a new friend. The exchange of experience, strength and hope was powerful. I look home some good nuggets to ponder and think over. One of those nuggets was in the form of a question to me. "Do you feel you will out grow him?" When I answered I did not hesitate and blurted out "I feel like I already have."

Thinking back after processing the evening, my instant quick response causes me pause. I feel now that was a judgmental response. Yes I have been working my program diligently and working to be a better person everyday, but I am by no means perfect or better than anyone else. I feel like that is how I came across, that I am better than H. To me that is an unacceptable way to think and a behavior I am not proud of. What right do I have to make that judgement on someone else?

I feel I need to step back and find my humility in this situation. Also to forgive myself that I was speaking my truth. Finding that forgiveness in myself that it is important for me to recognize my growth and courage. But to also find and practice that humility that I am not lesser or superior to anyone else on this earth. Honestly the ground is equal footing, I just am in a different place. That's it.

I have failed over and over to control or even attempt to conquer the disease of alcoholism in someone else. I am powerless of that disease and the other person. As Courage to Change says, "It took a long time, but I finally realized that surrender does not mean submission - it means I'm willing to stop fighting reality, to stop trying to do God's part, and to do my own. (p 283)"

The journey continues and I will keep going back! 

Reaching for My Tools

I took some risky actions this week, but my intentions were filled with love, compassion, and fear. The topic of the meeting I went to the day I took those risks was about miracles. My miracle that day was I had a choice, I had a voice and I exercised both to take action that no one else was willing to do. I also had tools to help with my fear. By no means did others like my decision and some were even angry with me, but I said my peace and I did the best I could do under the circumstances. Then I had to hear from others that support me that now I have to hand over the outcome to not only my higher power but over to the other person's higher power so they can make their own decision.

I read the following reading the day of my turmoil. It was exactly what I needed to hear at that time. Then followed by an amazing meeting. Miracles. 

"Fear is the energy that activates my character defects. Sometimes my shortcomings lie dormant like a bumper-car ride with the electricity turned off, and I don't even notice them. When I'm afraid, however, my fear acts like a charge that causes the cars (my defects) to start moving. I spend my mental and physical energy running in circles, trying not to get bumped or run over.

What triggers my fear in the first place? Trying to control things over which I have no power is always one reliable switch. How do I disengage it? Using the Serenity Prayer helps me calm down. I make a list, which one column titled 'can change' and another titled 'can't change'. Then I break the problem down into elements and put into the appropriate column. When I'm done, I ask my Higher Power to redirect my energy toward the elements I can change.

Leaving the present and worrying about the future is another trigger. When I feel like my mind is ahead of my body, it helps to refocus on my body, and my mind often follows. I remind myself to let go and let God handle the things in my 'can't change' column. I focus on what I'm doing at the present moment: I am washing my hair; I am cooking dinner; I am driving my car. I might feel silly, but I'm willing to do what I can to bring myself back to the present moment. Such action sets the tone for a more serene and grounded day.

Thought for the Day
My fear is a natural human emotion for which there are many triggers. Al-Anon tools help me sort out and turn off the source for each one of them.

'My fears about alcoholism can keep me thinking in circles. The program helps me break their hold on my mind.' Alateen a day at a time p. 144" ~ Hope for Today p. 228

It never gets easier to see someone you love deteriorate in front of your eyes. Fear is a natural human emotion as the Hope for Today reading shared. Fear and anger were main drivers in my life when I came into Al-Anon. Through my program I am learning what my triggers are that turn on both my fear and anger. Over the past few years, I still have both of those emotions, and that is ok. However, the triggers have changed and shifted. My fear prior to Al-Anon shaped and dictated my life.  I was dying inside, emotionally and spiritually empty. The energy I excreted to live other people's lives for them, was exhausting and futile. The illusion of control feed my fear. As I started the journey to find a connection with a higher power of my understanding, I slowly started to find faith in myself and in living my own life. Piece by piece I replaced the fear with faith through learning the truth of what I could and could not control. As I build courage, I realize there are times when it is important to make a stand and send the message that enough is enough. Forming those boundaries and communicating those boundaries with compassion. I called out and my message was heard across the land. Even though my message was heard, the one it was meant for may have heard it, but this individual has to be willing to take their own action. I will continue to pray a decision is made to head in the right direction for their safety.

Looking back as I worked through if I should take the risk with the decision I was going to make. I believe in a subconscious way I was making a list of things I "can change" and the things I "can't change". I truly believe everything will happen the way it was suppose to happen, as long as I stay out of the way and only do my part.

I'm grateful today that my energy is not expended on stuffing my feelings, focusing on distractions that avoid my feelings and pain, and not acknowledging the reality around me. These can all be difficult to not do and when I am tired fear can easily trigger those bumper cars (my defects) and I can fall back into those wasted energy voids. Although I had fear this week of the choices I made, I knew the choices I made were the right thing to do. My fear this week was different, it was fear and dread that I might say something I didn't mean. So it was crucial for me to live in the moment and speak my truth, but not say it in a mean way.