One Roller Coaster at a Time

Mother Nature is sending off 2013 in a beautiful way! The weather today will be right around 70 degrees with clear deep blue skies. Today and tomorrow are my last vacation days before I head back to reality of work. I have enjoyed my time away from work, but know it is time to head back and see what else I have to learn in the new year!

This morning, the pups and I had the house to ourselves. It was very peaceful and quiet. I decided I was going to have one last Starbucks treat..... for 2013. *wink* Sit outside to listen to the birds and the service man and woman fly the jets over for training. We live near an air force base and grateful for all of their service. 

Reviewing the entire year, I find that a bit overwhelming. So I’ll just share what is on my mind today. Reflecting I have always been a multi-tasker, then times that by 4, and that was my life. I know now one of the reasons I keep myself busy was to try to numb and hide the pain, anger, fear, and loneliness I felt of being in a relationship with someone that admits they are an active alcoholic. I am always busy, but today I focus on keeping that energy positive as much as positive and do things that I enjoy and bring me joy. Sometimes I have to do things I don’t want to do or don’t enjoy, but it is because I choose to make the choice and know I don’t have to do it for a life time anymore.

Honestly it was a blessed year. I am beyond grateful for all I have today. I have my amazing and supportive family, my dear friends both in and out of the program, my dogs that show me unconditional love, a job that allows me to grow my skills, and I have H, who loves me unconditionally in his own way. In the mist of all my gratitude, this year has been filled with roller coasters of all sizes and twists. I worked through some new layers of my past that intertwined with what is going on today.  Then it is tough to not tie all that into the wreckage of the future! Everyday it is an effort to find that balance of what I am grateful for and the daily “things” I am faced with. Reflecting yesterday with a dear friend I realized all I can do is live in today and work to get through each day one day at a time. Most importantly to work to keep the focus on myself and not on anyone else, this new perspective of realizing what I can and cannot control helps me to work through the rough patches. Although in honest reality, I still jump on that roller coaster here and there. There are certain parts of my life I have done really well with stepping away from the ride, and even walking out of the amusement park! This helps me make good choices to not react and take the bait. However, there are other areas of my life that I’m still standing in line to ride the roller coaster. Someday, I will work to get out of that line and stop riding it. But that is part of my journey.

I realized this morning as I sat and enjoyed my treat I have to remember to give myself credit. I am a strong person. I have lots of courage. I know I am my worst critic and need to stop being so hard on myself. I am walking a more successful journey that brings me more happiness and love daily from within my own heart and soul. I continue to hear and read from others that our own happiness and peaceful soul shine from within. When that light is bright, it will show to others without me even realizing it is shining through each day.

The tools I continue to learn through the Al-Anon program, the meetings, the literature, my sponsor, and my sponsees help me continue to work towards being a better person.  I have truly experience that I can’t keep it if I don’t give it away. Everything is also helping me realize I am a unique individual and need to be accepting of who I am today.

As December 31^st reading in ODAT shares, “If I have regrets for errors or omissions, I will dismiss them. The new year which lies before me has no time for futile regrets. I will live just one day at a time, making each one better than the last, as I grow in confidence and faith.

Again I resolve to live the coming year One Day At a Time, easing myself of the burdens of the past and the uncertainties of the future. Whatever may come, I will meet it with a serene mind.” 

Focusing on the Spirit

Yesterday was a good day. I went to work, stopped at a few stores on my way home for some final Christmas items, and filled up the car with gas. Each of these stops I was pleasantly surprised by most of the people around me were smiling and saying hello, simply being friendly, laughing, and going out of their way to be helpful. Not what I am normally use to during this time of year as I have noticed in past years people have their head and eyes down focused on what they are doing and carry the feeling of not content. I have always enjoyed watching people around me, observing their behaviors and wondering what their story is. I can remember growing up my Dad and I would sit in the car, while Mom would run into a store, and watch the people go in and out of the door. We would narrate what we thought their story was. Perhaps a bit judgmental now that I look back, but it was a lot of fun and we would always laugh until our sides hurt. 

Yesterday was a fun day interacting with people and most of them complete strangers. It was nice to see and feel the true holiday spirit at work. It was a great Friday the 13th!

I love our sky. Mother Nature's canvas of beauty I never get tired of viewing.

I also had fun making these yummy adorable Santa hats for our work party. It is a brownie, with icing, and a strawberry. 

Opening New Doors To Life

As I continue to learn, I have to walk through the pain to get to the other side. I am learning to feel the feelings I have and use the tools at my disposal. Through my sadness this week, I called my sponsor, I went several meetings, read my literature, and worked to learn from the experience. When I start to walk down the path of wishing for what I don't have, it never ends well. I don't like that dark place.

Today I am opening new doors through my eyes and heart for new possibility! I am the only one that can shift my perspective. The outlook on life, that happiness in my heart, that has to start with me and is my responsibility. I choose to rejoice today in what I have, and I know that fresh new experiences are always ahead. What I have today, is exactly what I need. I will trust in my HP and know that life is a wonderful thing that I will relish in today.

My weekend is filled with low key plans with my family and friends to celebrate my birthday. I am looking forward to all of it. I am also looking forward to having H join in all of the festivities. That means a lot to me. I will however, keep the expectations out of the picture to help me enjoy and be in the moment.

It is chilly here in the desert, I hope you are all staying warm and well, while relishing in your serenity. That is my goal and wrapping myself with self-love and surrounding myself with others that love me for who I am. 

My Heart is Sad

I am sad and feel hurt today. I am grateful for the readings that are exactly what I need to hear in the moment. From CtoC page 339, "I am a complex, fascinating human being with a wide range of emotions, experiences, and thoughts." I have to remind myself of that, I don't just have one feeling one at a time, it can be a cocktail (no pun intended) of emotions at one time. I am complex and I am learning to value each of those components. "And I can experience sadness and still be confident that I will be happy again." (CtoC, p 339.) In  my heart I know I am responsible for my own happiness, and I will continue to take steps to renew that drive and apply to get me back on track. Today, I will allow myself to feel the sadness and grieve. It has to begin with me. I can't wait for someone else to be there next to me, walking the path with me. That makes me sad, but it's the truth. Keep me in your prayers tonight, I need the positive energy. I am handing it over to HP. Let her do for me what I can not do for myself.

God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference.

"Life, for all its agonies... is exciting and beautiful, amusing and artful and endearing... and whatever is to come after it-- we shall not have this life again." ~Rose Macaulay 

Love or Control?

I never get tired of our sunsets here in the desert.

I came across a reading in Hope for Today (p.336) that I could really relate too. I would like to share that reading with you.

I've struggled long and hard in Al-Anon to understand the idea of detachment with love. At first, it sounded like an oxymoron. Detachment was the opposite of love, I thought. It seemed like abandoning the people I loved because of their alcoholism. Was I supposed to just stop caring?
In Al-Anon I began to see that my way of caring often meant reacting and manipulating. I'd do something nice for someone because I wanted to be liked. I'd get so caught up in someone else's problems that I didn't have time or energy to seek solutions for my own difficulties. Sometimes I wanted to attach myself and feed off someone mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Then I wouldn't have to deal with the scariness of being a separate person who took risks. Despite these intellectual glimmerings about my motives, I felt frustrated that I didn't know how to translate them into positive behavior. I simply decided my problem was that I loved too much. I began to regard any act of helpfulness or kindness on my part as a slip.

After I told my sponsor about my new insight, he explained the goal was detachment, not amputation! To detach isn't to stop caring about others; it means I care equally as much for myself. it means I love myself enough to stay out of other's insanity. It means putting enough emotional distance between myself and another to see each of us as a separate individual. Being helpful and kind feels wonderful. It's only when I do this with the belief that I can fix, change, or control the other person that I need to question my motives.

Thought for the Day
Sometimes What I call "love" is really just control.


Wow, these words are so powerful. As a person that has to process things, I have really been trying to meditate and pray about my unacceptable behavior this past week during my meltdown this week. Not only unacceptable to the other person, but to myself. What were the triggers? What have I not been paying attention too that snuck up on me to make me snap? Although I have some ideas to start with, I don't have the exact answer. What I do have are tools to keep me focused in the here and now! Trying to learn from the situation. I could really relate to every word of this reading and I could not have said it better! Transposing that love and control was a huge factor in my unhappiness for years.  I immersed myself into other's lives so completely I didn't know who I was anymore. I definitely did not want to look at myself in the mirror or let alone determine what my motives were when I was reacting and manipulating. I believe I fell into this trap of confusing love for control this week. Breaks my heart it happened, but I also know a trigger was I don't feel like I am being heard. Not only not being heard, but no acknowledgement of those needs. Possibly more realistically, the other person is not capable, with the lack of tools, to even have the awareness to acknowledge the needs. That brings tears to my eyes and heart. Keeping my love separate from control is a priority!

When I first started the program, I did struggle with detachment, not even to mention doing it with love. I had to focus on one piece at a time of that statement, Detachment, then with Love, before I could even think about applying them together. Today, I can care and have compassion for others, but also have my boundaries of not getting into their business or insanity! In the beginning until I understood my own boundaries, I had to bail anytime anything was even remotely uncomfortable. Although, it took me a little longer to push the envelope with my growth in this area, because I would stop a conversation or visit or anything, when I felt my boundaries were being disrespected. When in reality, some of those situations, my fear was taking over and I jumped into an escape. That is the beauty of my program, it is progress and not perfection. That is how I had to learn more about detaching, while also learning more about my fears. Then I could start working on separating the detachment and fear. After I could distinguish the difference between the fear and my boundaries being disrespected, I could start to look at and apply letting go and finding the compassion for others, but not take on their insanity. Detachment with love is a delicate formula and it is slightly different for each person that applies it to their lives. I read once that detachment is building yourself. Learning to live my own life. Not living a life centered around another person and what they do.

As the reading mentions becoming a separate individual, wow, that right there is a huge awareness that hit me up the side of the head during my recovery. Wow, I was so apart of everyone else's lives, I could not comprehend making that separation. Then doing that with love and compassion, it was incomprehensible.  I had to take risks and practice what I thought would work for me in my different situations. As I have said before, I stumbled and fell a lot. But I would get back up, brush myself off, take a deep breath, and try again. Sometimes I had to try something new, until I started to feel whole again. My love and caring for others can now be my choice, not the choice of others.  One of my biggest frustrations is someone I care deeply for does not understand this delicate balance of detaching with love and having healthy boundaries with others.  It also breaks my heart that if I struggle with the concept of detachment with love and I have the tools to help me through the tough times; imagine someone that does not have the same tools or any tools for that matter, to even expect them to understand that balance.

"Simply put, detachment means to separate ourselves emotionally and spiritually from other people."  ~How Al-Anon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholic, p. 84.

December Spirit **Jingle**

December is here, just like that in a blink of an eye!  I have enjoyed the last four days off for the Thanksgiving holiday. It was quiet and productive!  I have not been centered the last few weeks. Earlier this week I had a meltdown, I jumped right into that area with my fists up ready to fight and take down the disease of alcoholism. Just like old times... thought I had a fighting chance. **sigh** So after taking a trip back into the dark side and trying to impose my will, somewhere I never wanted to go again, my focus the last few days has been to find my balance again. I surrounded and immersed myself with people I love and things I enjoy doing to find that serenity as a sav to help heal my wounds.

Here are a few things that helped me be able to breath again today with gratitude for what I have right now, not what I wish I had.

This is a feral cat out at my parents. She has quite the story; the brief version, a friend of our family had a cat near her house in the City. They had to go. So they cat and her kittens were dropped off at my parents in the country. She is quite healthy now and is the "official" greeter when you visit my parents. She is a sweetheart and we sat together for a little while outside in the beautiful weather. I am not a huge "cat" person, but I have a respect for all animals and appreciated her company.

This is Ms. Raven. She is also a sweetheart! Recently there were some bigger neighbor dogs on the property and tried to eat Raven. They could of easily broke her back, but gratefully they just bite her back legs. Which with some stitches and a cone of shame for a while, she will be back to normal soon. I spent a lot of my time this weekend with my parents, which always helps me find my inner peace and love for life when I have fallen into the black hole of my own disease of perception and drowning in grief of the life I "wish" I had. Ugh, the family disease of alcoholism is an ugly, cruel, and baffling disease. That is why I appreciate Ms. Raven who makes me smile and laugh at her silly antics. Such as laying in her King size bed so she can see my Mom and I as we worked on the table. 

My garden, a key to my serenity. When I merge my hands into the dirt cleaning the weeds and mending to my plants. I instantly feel a huge relief from whatever chaos I have created in my mind and/or heart. I harvested my first tomatoes of the season! These are a hybrid cherry tomato I tried. They are REALLY small! But man are they tasty! Then I had several cucumbers and zucchini ready. 

Part of my healing, my Mom and I were cruising the fun creative ideas on P-interest! One of the ideas we came across were these adorable lady bug appetizers. Although, I did not have enough of my tomatoes ready and/or big enough, I did use my garden cucumbers and lettuce for this dish. It was easy and fun to do!

Other soothing activities I did for myself; Sadie and I went hiking with some dear friends in our amazing 70 degree weather, I put up the Christmas lights outside, did a little Christmas decorating inside, did a lot of plotting and planning my next sewing projects for gifts, and just hanging out with the pups at home.

In the CtoC reading today, it talks about service. The reading put it in perspective that I am not doing the program a favor; but Al-Anon is doing a favor for me. When I give back to the program and to others, I get more in return than I ever could imagine. In doing service, that is when I see my progress and growth. I work hard to tie in the principles of my program into all aspects of my life. Not always easy; therefore, I knew this week after swinging over to the dark side, I have to step up my service work back in my daily routine; in my meeting and my personal life to help get me back on track.

"What we learn to do we learn by doing." ~Aristotle