Jab, Cross, Duck!

I feel like I’m standing on the ledge of a cliff right now. I’m smiling, but inside I am feeling the pressure of all the balls I have in the air right now. I use to think I thrived on the thrill of having so much going on!! I have learned that I wasn’t thriving, I was surviving. I was avoiding any and everything hurtful or difficult in my life. I was lashing out and ducking when I could! Old habits are hard to change. Not impossible, but difficult to break that cycle. I’ve also learned that there are many, many cycles and repeat habits I practiced over, and over, and over for YEARS! Many of those cycles and habits were not positive or kind to myself or those around me.

My drive to work averages from 30 to 45 minutes one way, which gives me time to listen to music or think and contemplate the day and my thoughts. The other day I realized it is so easy to get caught in the wind storm of negativity all around us in this world. I sort of stopped watching the news last year, but only here and there to catch the traffic and weather, but when I do watch or read the news it is so riddled with corrupt, violence, and acts done by humans that are unimaginable! I didn’t realize how subconsciously that toxic and poisonous negativity can start to seep into one’s soul, without one even realizing!

I find I am tired and on the verge of being over whelmed when I get caught in that dark storm. My awareness of me entering that storm is much better now days then in the past. But sometimes the dark clouds are overhead before I truly notice and can take action to pull myself out the storm before it sucks me in completely. I have had a few days I just have no motivation or willingness to do anything. Or think positive. The thought of all the items I have put on my plate, becomes overwhelming and paralyzes me. Or I allow it to paralyze me. Similar to what I allowed fear to do to me for so many years. See old habits are tough to crack; I went from one paralyzer to another! On those days, I usually want to pull cloak over my head and hide from the world.

Those days were and can be dark, dark times, and feel like I am in quicksand and sticky mud that continue to pull me down and sink me deeper into that darkness. That's a tough place to be. I lived in that world for a lot of years. 

For me, I had to put a lot of footwork in to drag, scratch, pull, tears, and scream myself out of that muck. Although the storms never go away, they roll in and out of my life constantly. I do have a choice to let the storm get me down, or I can learn to dance in the storm. No matter how dark the situation is or how dark my thoughts are, I do have a choice of how I react and decide to live and how I want to feel in that moment. It is an act of taking the power back!! Taking a moment to put a smile on my face and the more I do that, the more my heart starts smile. I'm on a continuous journey of finding happiness, joy and peace in every moment of my life. How do I do that, I grip onto willingness, my faith, and I work to believe and see the beauty and positivity in the people places and things around me. I know sounds silly, but it really can be that simple. I didn’t believe it at first, but I try to take a deep breath, believe, and open my eyes and heart to see the world in a new perspective that serves me better. It just takes practice and willingness.

Even if I am feeling dark inside, if I can be one spark of light in this dark world, then I have done my part. And you can do the same, find the light within you and let it SHINE! The more of us that reach deep within us to find that inner light, the more we will get rid of the darkness in this world. The Sun always comes up tomorrow.

Changing Attitudes

I am struggling this week. Today the realization of my Al-anon milestone, thinking about each step and decision that I have made up to this point and how each of those have helped me get to this moment, and where I am at today. I am beyond grateful for life. I am in awe of the miracles that happen around me and the miracles that have happened to me during this amazing journey.

With that said... For some reason I jumped on a roller coaster this week. I feel raw. Exposed. Vulnerable. A little regrettable of some financial choices I have made. My attitude of f*@k-it-I'll-figure-it-out, well time has come to take responsibility and figure it out. I am feeling the overwhelming pressure of that. I can do it, I will do it, and I will show you, and myself, how to do it. That is going to be my new attitude and motto. Replacing my flawed previous thinking and actions with a different approach is a must right now. I am praying for the strength to live and breath this paradigm shift! Here is to letting it sink in and take root!!!

Don't Romanticize Life

I had an amazing weekend! A bunch of the amazing gals I workout with at the gym, we all signed up for one of the local 5K mud runs. What a blast!! Getting a great workout, getting dirty, and hanging out with great friends! I also got to spend sometime with a friend, who I am still trying to figure out what will come of it. That preciously is probably my obstacle, STOP trying to figure it out and just enjoy. I keep telling myself that, and all is well. Until I start thinking again. I will keep practicing and reminding myself to not push the river, all will work out exactly the way it is supposed too, whether that is how I envisioned it or not! **smile**

In addition to all that, I also got to meet up with a couple of friends that mean a lot to me, but just don't get to see these amazing ladies very often. I made it a point to carve sometime out to catch up with these ladies. Always filled my soul with gratitude to truly spend quality time with friends that mean the world to me.

Tonight, I couldn't make my normal weight lifting training, but that didn't stop me from still having an awesome, cardio, fat burning workout tonight! The weather outside could not have been more perfect! I am beyond grateful for living in my state.

I was about to head off to bed, but noticed one of my favorite bloggers posted a list of items I should be able to say about my life. This blogger focuses on life lessons and usually puts the thoughts and concepts into lists. So I naturally levitate towards those posts, because I love my lists!! One of the items on the recent post, REALLY hit home with me.

Here is the exact quote:
"I don’t need anyone else to complete me. – There’s far more to life than finding someone who will want you, or getting upset over someone who won’t.  There’s a lot of important time to be spent discovering yourself without begging someone to fall in love with you along the way… and this journey doesn’t need to be empty or painful.  YOU need to fill yourself up with love – self-love – first.  Become a whole being on your own.  Go on adventures, explore your passions, wander around the city and see new sights, sit in coffee shops and read, write on bathroom stalls, leave notes in library books, dress up for yourself, give to others who can’t pay you back, smile and have fun.  Do all things with love, but don’t romanticize life like you can’t survive without someone giving it to you every second.  You can.  And once you give it to yourself, you will feel healed, and you will ultimately open yourself up to the possibility of healthy relationships with others."

I love this. "...Don't romanticize life..." I have realized through my recovery and discovery, I struggle with this a lot. In the past I would dive right into a romanticized fantasy of how my marriage should have been. Guess what, I was disappointed every damn time, year after year. I have to be realistic. It has to begin with me. I have to fill myself with love, respect, kindness, support, and adventure! I also have to be realistic about who I am. I am a passionate, caring, and sentimental person. Yes I can have fun, joke, and participate in shenanigans. In fact, that is how my family functions, and I love ever bit of it. In fact, many of my friends function in that manner. I assume I attract that type of person, because of the love I have for my family. I am ok with that. But on the flip side, I also have to recognize, and be proud, that a big part of me is also nurturing, loving, caring, sentimental, believing in the good, and loving with all my heart. Finding a balance of both entities, and finding others that will accept and help me nuture both sides of the coin, that is the path I walk today. Let the journey of practicing that balance continue! Not sure I completely expressed my inner thoughts on this topic, but will pray about it and share more later as it is revealed. There are more layers to discover. I am grateful for today and life is truly amazing!

Miracles of Willingness, Determination, & Hope

I have shared a little that I have been on a journey to become healthier, physically. This week I reached a new goal!

I don’t know about you all, but I have always struggled with my self-image. I never really saw the real “me” in the mirror. The view of myself was a twisted distorted image that my mind created, and it hasn't always been pretty or kind. I woke up this past week with a smile and when I looked in the mirror, I saw a real new me. It brings tears to my eyes as I type this… For years I allowed others to beat me down, which in turn I beat myself down every chance I could get. I had low self-esteem and was a chameleon to whoever I was with. It is a struggle to break that type of pattern, to break free to be my own person. If you have been following my blog, you know my general story, so I won’t go into all that. However, I am living proof that with just a little willingness, determination, and hope, I can reach new places and ways of living that I never thought imaginable.

I am beyond proud of the hard work I have put into rebuilding my character, my spirit, and my body!!

It has been a long road; I had to first start with my character and spirit, which has been a 6 year journey. (And I am not done yet; I still have some work to do... It's the journey not a destination!) Once I started healing the inside, then I could start working on the outside, which I have also been working on about that same time frame, but really buckled down the last 5 months.

I weighted and measured this last week as I wrapped up my second 30 day challenge with Isagenix and working out with my local Iron Girlz gym! My amazing results… **drum roll** I am down an additional 11.2 lbs and 8 inches!!! I am PUMPED!!!  My goal was to lose 10 lbs and 10 inches in my second challenge. I would have to say that is pretty damn close to my goal and I am proud of my achievement.

So the overall count since I really buckled down and started this journey in September 2014, I am down a total of 28.2 lbs and 36.75 inches. I could not have accomplished this by myself, I have an amazing support group of friends and family that I am forever grateful too!


**If you are interested in more information about Isagenix and/or Iron Girlz and what each has done for me, message me and I can share more with you. Thank you!

Perfect Storm

It was a little bit of a roller coaster day. A great morning spent with a dear friend, but then an anxiously anticipated afternoon. Only because of the help and support of my amazing family, I was able to wrap up a final healing and letting go, but daunting task today. H wasn't able to come by to pick up the rest of his "items", for the third time. I needed this completed. So I took the items to a location he asked me too. I am grateful I was able to handle the situation with grace and integrity. However, that shitty committee in my head has been in full session for the last few days in anticipation of this step in the healing process. I am feeling exhausted/drained, but relief, but also overwhelmed that I added this to my already busy schedule. I need to take a step back and breath.

I came across this random quote, not sure who to cite the credit too, but never the less a good reminder to stay in the moment and breath. 

"You can’t calm the storm, so stop trying. What you can do is calm yourself. The storm will pass." ~unknown author

Opportunities

Today's reminder:

"Instead of assuming that I have failed because I am learning a difficult lesson once more, I might embrace the experience as part of a long-term healing process that requires repetition and practice. I can trust that eventually I will learn it so well that it will become an automatic, confident, and healthy response."
~CtoC page 292.

As I continue this journey forward, I am coming across a few things I need to work on in my personal life. When there is no one else to blame or hide behind, things tend to surface. Which is good, I need to pull those rotten things out of the dirt and cleanse the way! Breathing fresh air into old ways of thinking and old habits that are not working anymore. I actually look forward to these moments of discovering a moment of opportunity. Might seem a bit strange, but I have grown to love finding those little toxic pockets, so I can release the pain or anger or fear, or whatever is bottled up to let the light in and plant a new seed. It is so satisfying and rewarding to work through these one by one. Then when I look up, pause, and look around me, I realize the world is blooming around me with beauty, because of my hard work I get to see and experience that beauty that was always there around me. 

Good Morning!

I feel exhausted physically today. That is usually not a good start as my emotional and spiritual exhaustion usually follows. My sneaky expectations and character defects like to raise their ugly heads when I am tired. However, I will be gentle with myself today and with those around me, knowing I am tired. I will take one moment at a time today. I will take a deep breath and say good morning with a smile! 

My power thought card today: 
"When we create harmony in our minds and hearts, we will find it in our lives. The inner creates the outer. Always."

Here is a video greeting the morning, while potentially struggling with the morning, still rejoicing in it's beauty and the potential unknown.

Loss for Words

Not all who wander are lost. I bought a backpack with this quote on it recently during my visit back to the Grand Canyon.  I love this quote, and the beauty of the Grand Canyon! I have really felt at a cross road in my personal and spiritual life. I have also felt at a loss for words when it comes to expressing myself lately, not only to others but to myself. So I have been struggling with perspective. Also struggling with inspiration to write. Which in its self is strange for me. So this quote and the support of my friends sharing their experience, strength, and hope, have helped me realize that I am exactly where I need to be today. Perhaps I need this period of wandering. I am not lost, I am exactly where I need to be. This is helping me prepare for whatever is to come next. I need to constantly remind myself to live in the moment and enjoy what and who is around me right now. Everything could change in an instant. I am truly grateful for the opportunity to walk this path, or wander if that is the method I must take today. 

We saw more than a dozen Elk

Love the Dramatic Filter :) 

Panoramic

Today's Reminder

"When I concentrate on my personal progress, The difficulties over which I have no control will iron themselves out." ~The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage

I needed this reminder today.

On a positive note! I did not plan to stay up last night for the Lunar Eclipse, but someone in the neighborhood decided to launch fireworks about midnight, which happen to be the ideal time to see the Moon turn the red tinge here in the desert. So I stepped outside with my new point and shoot T2 Olympus, and took this photo. Not to bad!!

 

Newcomer, You and Me!

It’s been a bit of a rough week or so, but honestly only because my mind and my attitude made it that way. I have been to some extra meetings this week and talked to dear friends in the program that have helped keep me grounded. I hear a lot in the rooms of how long someone has been in Al-Anon. I really don’t think much anymore how long it has been, but sitting here I got to thinking how long have I been in Al-Anon? As I count the years in my head, I come up with 5 years! Wow, what an amazing journey it has been and will continue to be. I remember the exact date I walked into the rooms, Thursday, April 13, 2009, my Al-Anon Birthday. The last couple weeks I realize I will always be a newcomer. I will NEVER graduate from this program. I will always have something new to learn and then have the opportunity to practice, practice, and practice some more of what I have learned.

As the storm of alcoholism continuously blows around me like a hurricane through my life, I have many tools at my disposal, to work to live in the calm eye of the storm. It’s me and my mind that causes me to jump into that active hurricane, and not have the peace and serenity each day. I try to be gentle with myself when I have my own unacceptable behavior or when I let another person’s unacceptable behavior get to me, but sometimes it still takes me a bit to recover from a stumble when the hurricane winds knock me down. Generally it’s when I am caught up in my disease of perception or in someone else’s business that I get knocked down. So that is a blessing from my HP to remind me to wake up and get back to the principles.

Since each storm is unpredictable, not unlike the disease of alcoholism, I have to continue learning to be flexible and adjust to that around me as things change and evolve through my recovery.

I have choices and can make changes that fit within my boundaries. But it starts with knowing who I am and what triggers me. Figuring out those boundaries and what trips their alarms is always an evolving experience and not always clear to me. Generally when I question and doubt myself is when I find I falter in other areas of my life. Ah, my defect of low self worth and lack of confidence is a terrible place to be and it takes me a while to rise above that dreadful way of thinking.

Nature is my guide, although the hurricane can disrupt growth and up rooting roots, while causing despair and pain through the turmoil of the storm, there is hope on the other side of the storm. After time and time again, after the storm settles and the sun come out again there is healing and the opportunity to rebuild and grow. There's always going to be a storm or fire that I have to walk through. That is part of life, and it will never go away. Therefore, the sooner I accept that concept and learn how to walk through that storm, No wait not walk DANCE in the storm, **smile** life will never be what I expected or wanted it to be, but I will survive and can have a positive perspective through that dance. If I can hand over those expectations and leave that job to my higher power, everything will be better than I ever imagined.

To the newcomer, although you'll never graduate from this program you will gain hope, love, support, friendships, and miracles you never imagined. It is worth every struggle and feels like a dose of good medicine.

Although this week I seem to be filling my heart with turmoil, impatient, and irritability, I need to pause and reach over to my shelf and pull some compassion into my heart. I hurt myself and those around me when I am irritable and not patient. That is not who I want to be anymore, and only I can change that. I can chose to be right or I can be happy.

This is from our last trip to Rocky Point, Mexico... sunset on the beach. Being near the water always helps me find my balance and serenity.

Just for Today...

This month, my expectations are tearing down the walls of my serenity. The time to rebuild begins now.

Just for today, I will be unafraid. Especially I 

will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, 

and to believe that as I give to the world, so 

the world will give to me.

I would like to share and focus on some of the beauty that I have been blessed with and surrounded with lately.

The last three or four days we have had quite the rain storm roll through, in fact the area I live in had 2.2 inches of rain alone. Which for the desert, is pretty darn good! Some little facts the local news shared; This storm helped us catch up with our average rainfall for the year. The amount we received also surpassed the entire rainfall from November 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, and 2012 combined! Here are a few photos I captured from the last few days. Ahhhh clouds, they are so beautiful. 

My garden is a true blessing to me, it brings me a lot of peace and serenity. Although I am still struggling with the little caterpillar type creatures eating my plants. I keep spraying the DIY formula I found, but it is not getting rid of the bugs for long. I am open to tips or suggestions!  Here are a few photos of my sanctuary backyard with my plants. I was having fun with the rain on the leaves. 

Just for today, I will adjust myself to what is, 

and not try to adjust everything to my own 

desires. I will take my "luck" as it comes, 

and fit myself to it.

Power of the Mind

Think Positive

If you think you are beaten, 

you are.

If you think you should not,

you shouldn't.

Success begins with your 

own will...

it's all in your state

of mind.

Life's battles are not

always won.

By those who are stronger

or faster;

Sooner or later the person who wins

Is the person who thinks

he can!

I have this on a card I bought at one of the Al-Anon conventions. I am grateful for these little reminders I can pull out of my pocket or purse to set me back on track to tackle anything life has to toss at me. I was able to survive a huge hurdle today that has been on the horizon for sometime now. I allowed it to cause me some anxiety and stress; however, with tremendous support from friends and family, I was able to endure the task at hand. Although results are still to be determined, I have a sense of peace all will be well and will work out just the way they are suppose too. It always renews my faith in human beings to enter a difficult situation and be pleasantly surprised to have others that are down to earth, aim for the truth and facts, and honestly seem to care for the well being of others. That always warms my heart about others that have those traits. Feeling relieved today and grateful for the little miracles around me and the power of positive thinking can help me get through a difficult day or task. 

Good for the Soul

I had productive and peaceful weekend with lots of time to myself and a wonderful afternoon filled with family and laughter. They are good for my soul and help me recharge my courage and strength. I am beyond grateful for them. I have been working really hard to focus on the moment and focus on the positive in my day. When I look at the bigger picture right now, I start to feel like I could falter and that old dread starts to gnaw at my insides. I do not want to go back to that place. Life is so fragile. I do not want to waste another minute focusing on the things I have NO CONTROL and cannot change. Instead, keeping that focus on the things I can control and the things I CAN change. 

I feel as though I have stumbled quite a bit lately in what I say. Generally, I feel like I can have grace in what I say to others. However, lately, that does not feel like the case. I am not sure what lesson I am suppose to learn through these mishaps, but I am working to keep my eyes, heart, and mind open to pick it up soon! 

A dear friend of mine was on my mind this morning. The last few years, if someone is on my mind, I will reach out with a simple message. That could be an email, phone call, text, mailing a letter/card, or whatever the moment calls for, but something to let them know they are on my mind and I appreciate/love them. Because I do with all my heart. However, sometimes I am interrupted for various reasons and do not get the message out when I originally thought of them. I had a pleasant surprise this morning, that dear friend that I was thinking of today actually sent me a message first! It brought tears to my eyes and I could feel the love. I am forever grateful for my dear friends that know who I am and what I'm all about, and love me all the same. 

As life tosses challenges at me and I duck, bob, weave, and sometimes get hit in the face due to not bobbing fast enough, I am continually reminding myself to be gentle with myself. Today I shuffled the power thought cards my friend gave me to see what I needed to read for today. Forgiveness. The reminder was to forgive myself. The "mistakes" I feel I have been making lately, I need to forgive myself and release the worry and turmoil I put myself through. Make my amends, majority of the time with myself since the "mistakes" are most likely in my head and no one even noticed. Forgiving myself will help me release me from the past. Forgiveness is the answer to almost every problem. A lot of my problems, I have created in my own mind and then that can escalate to other issues that never needed to be there. If I forgive myself for not doing something better or perfect, that goes a LONG ways! **deep breath** Forgiveness is a gift to myself. That gift can be in the present, forgive myself and set myself free. 

I would like to end with sharing a quote I came across this week, that I loved. It provides a slightly different perspective, that I always enjoy! Progress not perfection. 

Disease of Perception

Since I last shared, we have had a record blistering winter storm roll through the desert and drop snow, graupel, hail, and lots of rain. Here are only a few photos I was able to capture; however, my photos don't do justice what happen that day. There are many more online as everyone in the area was documenting this rare moment of white blanket in the desert.

End of the day of the Winter storm that sweep through the desert

Not sure if you can see the graupel on the back of that car?

See the hail on the hoods of the car and in the rocks?

I heard recently in one of my meetings exactly what I needed to hear. I’ve been a hit and miss at my meetings due to feeling the need to stay home and work on my homework. However, I also need to make time for my meetings as my Higher Power is at work through the shares in the meeting. I’m always surprised to hear a little nugget of someone’s share helps put a piece of the puzzle I was trying to find an answer too all week or longer. Also it is important for me to stay connected with my dear Al-Anon friends that I love and cherish.

Well, I’ve been suffering and wallowing in my own pity due to the frustrations of going back to school. I’ve been openly honest with anyone that will listen that I’m not enjoying school. I don’t care for it. Why am I doing this? Why am I adding this extra stress? On. And. On. And. On. Geez. Even if no one is around to listen, it’s the shitty committee in my head going around and around. However, I do then think to myself and try to share with the shitty committee, “HEY, you have to change your perspective! You are doing this. You’ve started it and you will finish. It won’t be easy, but it won’t be anything you can’t handle.” The topic of the meeting was bloom where you are planted. I loved this topic! Powerful shares of individual experience, strength, and hope of blooming that occurred to themselves and to those around them. Miracles. Someone shared a list of items that were important in order to allow them selves to bloom. What hit me across the face was it was important not to become complacent! I instantly knew that my attitude problem was a direct link to my disease of perception. Living with active alcoholism it is so easy to fall into the victim mode. I can find a comfort zone and want to stay within those walls. I believe that my spiritual growth has come a long way and looking forward to my continued journey; however, I’m in a good place. I’m also in a position with my career where I am surrounded by healthy co-workers, which I have not been blessed with this situation in a really long time. The stars are aligned! Now is the time to take on a new challenge with a new, can-do-it attitude, perspective!

I think I may have shared before, I sort of relate to how I am feeling with this new challenge to my first day of walking in the rooms of Al-Anon. I did not understand the details or what I was suppose to be doing.  I didn’t like everything I heard or was suggested to try. Change was sitting and staring me in the face. Showing me that a new way of living was possible and patiently waiting for me to try. I was terrified. I was fearful of failing and not being the best. The disease of perception for me is learning to work through all of those feelings. I heard the other nitght to not allow that dark side of my thoughts to take over and wash out the light in my life and my heart. Those dark thoughts can gobble me in a heart beat if I allow them. I have to reach and strive for the light and the energy to grow and change for the better. I can try my best and that’s all I can do. As long as I know I’m giving all I got! That’s all that matters, not what others think. Now on the flip side of that, I do need to come into tune with each new instructor for each class as they do control my grade, which in turn I have to maintain a certain GPA to stay in the graduate program. The university sets a very high standard, which is good. This means for me I have to do my footwork. Put the time in and shift my perspective. Take those words and my thoughts and APPLY them to that perspective shift. Stop being complacent and stop being ok with being complacent.

I wrote the above, last week? Not sure exactly but another late night dump before I could fall asleep. Fast forward to today! I’m starting my last week of my first class today. YEEEK! I should be working on my homework, but instead I’m finding ever distraction possible. **sigh** So far I am maintaining a great grade and doing really well! I have an amazing support group not only in my online-class, but also my family, friends, and H. Then as soon as this class is over, I start my second class next week! No breaks, just jump right into the next one. Oh boy!

Part of shifting my perspective, I was wondering what I was up too this time of year last year. Wow! I was still at my old job getting ready to move. Going to the Arabian horse show with my family! I was also doing a little house sitting the same time last year. Life is still good; it just has a different flavor today! Ok, time to buckle down and get to work on homework! I hope you are all doing well. I miss connecting with each of you. Until I can again, I wish you a serene day.

Extending My Arms Towards Forgiveness

I've had a handful of relationships through my life that ended disastrously! I can count them on one hand. One particular relationship that left a wake of hurricane portion disaster is more recent, in the last four or five years. The destruction of the emotional storm hit the year before I walked into the rooms of Al-Anon. A struggling friendship for as many years as I can remember. Looking back as a child and teen, I had confidence in certain situations and around certain individuals. Other situations and around different individuals I had negative self-worth and zero confidence. I always struggled with that balance. I'm not sure why I felt I needed to be a chameleon. My parents were amazing in helping me find my self-worth and always supported me in building my confidence. However, when the pressure of my peers and the outside world took over, there were times my knees buckled. I worked really hard to "fit in," anywhere I could. I didn't like being alone or the feeling of not feeling important or being a part of a group. I remember myself being a "floater" and never really "officially" belonging to any group or click. I think the reason for that was, although I wanted to belong, I didn't want to do whatever it took to belong to any group. So when things started to get uncomfortable, I'd distance myself and find another group. There were a few individuals that it was important to me to be friends with. Looking back, who knows why it was important or why I wasted energy on trying to be friends with someone that didn't want to be friends with me. I'm grateful I did have a balance of these unworthy friends and friends that truly loved me for me. Still not sure why I spent so much energy on the wrong people. Suppose there was a reason I walked the path I did with all types of friends.

When I worked on my step 8 this past year, R, my past friend, was on my list to make amends. There were three columns I placed people into; column one, I will make amends, column two, I might make amends, and a column three, a hell no I will not make amends column. We will call this friend R. R ended up on my "hell no" column. I wasn't ready to drop off the baggage of anger I've been carrying around from years and years of a slightly unbalanced friendship. Looking back, I now believe that I wanted more out of the relationship than R ever did. I've been whittling at that anger, hurt, and resentment for a while now. I'm grateful there is not timeline for any of these pieces of recovery, as I seem to be taking my sweet time with this suit case of crap. I admitted to my sponsor, I'm ready to open the suit case and start putting away the contents. I'm ready to let in the forgiveness and work on Step 9 for this part of my past.

This process is a work in progress. I know how that peace feels once I allow the forgiveness to wash over my heart and soul. I've accomplished that in other areas of my life. That forgiveness is for me and my sanity. That baggage I carry around is hurting me. Others probably don't even know it's boiling under the surface ready to boil over at any moment. I don't want to live like that anymore. Today, hanging onto that anger, hurt, and resentment prevents me from moving forward. Prevents me from letting go of a fantasy friendship I thought and hoped we would have. It brings great sadness to my heart. I realize now it's all part of the grieving process. I will survive and I will find that peace.

During this process, I'm grateful I'm learning to open my eyes and my heart. As I realize over the years during the time I put a lot of energy into the relationship with R, other amazing people were in my life and made an impression on me. As some of those individuals have looped back and are in my life again. For that I'm grateful for, to have a second chance to appreciate balanced friendships that have an ebb and flow both ways. Full circle, what was meant to be will be. I just needed the right tools to have healthy friendships. For both sides of the relationship to have boundaries. To let go of my self-will. To appreciate and love the other person for who they are. That was a character defect I had and didn't realize it. There were some people that I felt I could change their mind of what they thought of me and who I could be with my behaviors and simply not being myself. I think once I started down that path, it's difficult to get out of that rut. I lost my focus of who I was and allowed unacceptable behavior from myself and others. In the past, I wish I had the tool and knowledge that I was powerless over those situations and people. Although I didn't have the tools to let go and detach back then, today I do. As I start to sort through some of the contents of that suit case, I know anger, bitterness, and thoughts of revenge will need to be shaken out or washed a few times before they can be folded and put away. It's tough working through resentments, but worth it. One of my favorite quotes about resentment is in CtoC on page 289.

"Every time I try to tighten the noose of resentment around someone's neck, I am really only choking myself. Today I will practice forgiveness instead."

What a gift to let it begin with me. I will work on applying that peace of forgiveness to my heart and soul by letting go of resentment one thought at a time.