Doing the Right Thing

Doing the right thing, is not always easy, but is always the way to go.

This week has been stacked with decisions I have had to make that I didn't necessarily want to make, but knew it was the right thing to do. In the past I never took into consideration what I wanted or what was important to me. I never weighted my options. Instead I instantly reacted and went on the defensive. I'm grateful to have the option to let others know I need to think about it and I will get back to you. Then weight the pros and cons of the decision. I'll be honest there are times I want to be completely selfish and swing the decision in my favor. Who wouldn't?! But that is not always the right decision.

One of the decision this week was discussing time off during the holidays. I like to get this squared away early so we can start planning and making sure everyone is trained. Now I know a lot can change between now and December, but there are some people that need to make flights and other arrangements, etc. Plus talking about PTO (personal time off) is one of my favorite topics! Traveling big or small trips instantly makes me smile and giddy! So the requests come flying in, per my request. It came down to giving my team the time off or me. I covered for my entire team last Christmas so everyone could have the time off. We were even down a team member at that time. With everyone's situation, it was the right thing to do and I could do it. I was hoping to take an extended time off this year, since I worked last year. However, after reviewing the requests I received and looking at the bigger picture, including my trips and time I had scheduled other parts of the year. It was the right thing to do to give my team the time off. They work hard and deserve the extended break. They each mean a lot to me and I appreciate the hard work they put into everyday. So there you have it, sacrifices of being a supervisor. Although I am a little bummed about working the holiday again, I feel awesome knowing I did the right thing for my team.

The second decision this week was a lot easier to make. I received a request for another chance from H to prove he wanted me. It still tugs at my heart strings. The dangling carrot was a tool H used for years, either subconsciously or not, I don't know, but H was the master at manipulating me. Today, I see right through it. I responded with a kind and honest, but firm and packed with boundaries response that was clear. To be fair and to believe the message I received, I will pray for H and hope he is truly on the path he says he is on. However, I reinforced, I will never be a part of the path, ever again. I don't want to and never will. Looking back at this past year, and seeing and feeling the happiness, serenity, forgiveness, and simple pure joy of life!!! I don't believe I have ever felt this much gratitude all the way to my bones and flowing through my veins everyday!! I trapped myself in a toxic situation for far to long that wasn't helping either of us. I'm grateful for the courage to break that mold and start a healthier cycle of life. For both of us. Separately. I just have to take a deep breath and hand him over to his higher power, who I know will help him walk the path he is suppose to walk. Then I can let go, completely detach. Then I can focus on my well being, make that connection with my own higher power. Then smile, because I know I am finally doing my footwork, keeping my side of the street clean, doing things for the right reasons for the right people, including myself. Life is good. I know I'm not perfect and stumble and trip over my words often, but I am trying my hardest to be the best me I can be. That's all I ask of myself.

Be kind to yourself. Always do the right thing, whether others are watching or not. You will be more fulfilled and filled with gratitude at the end of each day. One day at a time. 

Journey of Discovery & Recovery....

I had an amazing weekend! It was filled with self-care, laughter, quality time with friends and family, hiking a new trail, warm sunny spring weather, chores crossed off the list, and some delicious food!

Hiked a trail at the base of Picacho Peak

Not only was my weekend filled with wonderful events with friends and family that make my heart smile, but I came to some big realizations in my healing process. This week I came to a new layer of healing and letting go, that I didn't even realize would exist. Over the last 6 or 7 months after making my decision to get a divorce, I have been working to live life to the fullest. I also have been working little by little to heal my heart, my spirit, my soul, my confidence, and my outlook on life. I am blessed to have amazing people in my life to help me walk this journey of discovery and recovery. Having the awareness of myself and the world around me is an extremely powerful tool to continue to heal the layers of my pain and hurt that I subjected myself to for years.

This week I discovered that what little love I had left for H, is no longer. The lingering love was tied to a little guilt and doubt that I maybe gave up on our relationship. I know without a doubt I tried everything I had control over to make that relationship work. I took my time and did not make any hasty decisions. I worked to heal myself and re-build my character so I could be a better person for that marriage, and for myself. However, H was not in the same place to reach for that healing within himself and to get help to better himself. A dear friend of mine always shares with me that she knows I will always love him and have a special place in my heart from him. I thought that to be true, until recently. I have come to a point that I can completely let H go, including my broken lingering love for him. Now don't get me wrong, I will always care for his well being and pray he finds happiness and peace within himself. This recent discover might seem cold and uncaring, but honestly it was another weight off of my heart to hand that broken love over my Higher Power to take and do what needs to be done with it, for I no longer am in need of it. I find it peaceful and freeing to let another piece of my past go. I see it as one more piece of the puzzle coming together to build a more clear picture of who I am today. I find that simply amazing! 

Another piece of my recovery I have struggled with is I try to hard with my relationships. When I look at my past, I did everything I could to fit into everyone else's life. Then the resentments would pile up at my doorstep because I was making all the effort, however, on the flip side many of these people were not a part of MY LIFE! But did I really know what my life consisted of at that time? Not really. Anyhow, I know now, that I did that to myself. I built a situation where I tried to maintain relationships with people that were one sided, and had either no interest in being a part of what was important to me or incapable of being a part of my life. Today being just me, doing my own footwork and striving for that happiness within myself, is a daily workout for me. I have many friends that I care about and want to be a part of their lives. If it is meant to be, I will do my part, but then let it go from there and let the other person do their part and effort. Not sure if that all makes sense, but I suppose the reading today in Courage to Change really sparked this struggle in my heart today. Something I will continue to pray about and work on.

"It is unrealistic to expect everyone to like me. With such an expectation; I set myself up to fail and give myself an excuse to blame that failure on others. I can't change other people, but I can change my own attitudes. I can let go of my rules about how others should feel about me. When I am disappointed in another's response, I can make an extra effort to be kind, warm, and loving to myself. I am lovable just the way I am."

I also feel this struggle of mine ties into being able to communicate my needs. What are my needs? "I want" versus "I need"... Perhaps I need to try starting out my conversation, "I would like..."  I will have to work on this. More will be revealed.

Newcomer, You and Me!

It’s been a bit of a rough week or so, but honestly only because my mind and my attitude made it that way. I have been to some extra meetings this week and talked to dear friends in the program that have helped keep me grounded. I hear a lot in the rooms of how long someone has been in Al-Anon. I really don’t think much anymore how long it has been, but sitting here I got to thinking how long have I been in Al-Anon? As I count the years in my head, I come up with 5 years! Wow, what an amazing journey it has been and will continue to be. I remember the exact date I walked into the rooms, Thursday, April 13, 2009, my Al-Anon Birthday. The last couple weeks I realize I will always be a newcomer. I will NEVER graduate from this program. I will always have something new to learn and then have the opportunity to practice, practice, and practice some more of what I have learned.

As the storm of alcoholism continuously blows around me like a hurricane through my life, I have many tools at my disposal, to work to live in the calm eye of the storm. It’s me and my mind that causes me to jump into that active hurricane, and not have the peace and serenity each day. I try to be gentle with myself when I have my own unacceptable behavior or when I let another person’s unacceptable behavior get to me, but sometimes it still takes me a bit to recover from a stumble when the hurricane winds knock me down. Generally it’s when I am caught up in my disease of perception or in someone else’s business that I get knocked down. So that is a blessing from my HP to remind me to wake up and get back to the principles.

Since each storm is unpredictable, not unlike the disease of alcoholism, I have to continue learning to be flexible and adjust to that around me as things change and evolve through my recovery.

I have choices and can make changes that fit within my boundaries. But it starts with knowing who I am and what triggers me. Figuring out those boundaries and what trips their alarms is always an evolving experience and not always clear to me. Generally when I question and doubt myself is when I find I falter in other areas of my life. Ah, my defect of low self worth and lack of confidence is a terrible place to be and it takes me a while to rise above that dreadful way of thinking.

Nature is my guide, although the hurricane can disrupt growth and up rooting roots, while causing despair and pain through the turmoil of the storm, there is hope on the other side of the storm. After time and time again, after the storm settles and the sun come out again there is healing and the opportunity to rebuild and grow. There's always going to be a storm or fire that I have to walk through. That is part of life, and it will never go away. Therefore, the sooner I accept that concept and learn how to walk through that storm, No wait not walk DANCE in the storm, **smile** life will never be what I expected or wanted it to be, but I will survive and can have a positive perspective through that dance. If I can hand over those expectations and leave that job to my higher power, everything will be better than I ever imagined.

To the newcomer, although you'll never graduate from this program you will gain hope, love, support, friendships, and miracles you never imagined. It is worth every struggle and feels like a dose of good medicine.

Although this week I seem to be filling my heart with turmoil, impatient, and irritability, I need to pause and reach over to my shelf and pull some compassion into my heart. I hurt myself and those around me when I am irritable and not patient. That is not who I want to be anymore, and only I can change that. I can chose to be right or I can be happy.

This is from our last trip to Rocky Point, Mexico... sunset on the beach. Being near the water always helps me find my balance and serenity.

Paying Attention...

I will be honest, when a popular actor or actress passes away from a tragedy death, I don't pay much attention. I will hear little snippets on the news or on the talk radio, but I don't research or read articles on-line to learn more about what happened. However, the recent death of Philip Seymour Hoffman and a friend in the program shared a short article that talked about the disease Mr. Hoffman had with addiction to drugs. Addiction, a terrible, baffling disease that destroys individuals and families from the inside out. It does not matter if it is drugs or alcohol, it is a terrible disease. It also touched upon the power of fellowship and the support it can provide. I am not addicted to drugs or alcohol by any means, so I can in no way relate to that perspective of living with the disease within myself. However, I can work to learn as much as I can about the disease and how it affects the one I love. Also, I have been affected by someone that I love dearly that lives in the dark trenches of the active disease of alcoholism. It is a family disease and I have my own disease of illusion of control, disease of perception, disease of attitude, and on and on that are a result of living with someone that is active. I am grateful daily for my fellowship in Al-Anon, the amazing people and literature have helped me down the path to finding my inner peace and courage to live my life as me through my own recovery. To accept myself, with all my strengths and weaknesses. The miracles of a fellowship are endless, as long as I am willing to do my part and walk the talk. After reading the article it helps me stand on the same ladder rung as those that live with the disease, such as Mr. Hoffman and have compassion for him and grieve for his struggle with a disease that claimed his life. He was a human being that struggled and could not over come the disease. It does make me think about those that suffer that are not in the spot light, that struggle with a disease day in and day out, and are not willing or can't find the help they need. I pray for them that they find the help and possibly a fellowship that can bring them support, understanding, love, and peace to their daily struggles. I have to hand them over to their HP and pray they can break the isolation to start walking the path of serenity. 

My Footwork Continues to Pay Off

It continues to make me pause and be in complete awe when I get through a difficult moment or situation without feeling crazy and ready to fly off the handle. I can remember in the past being so sensitive that anything would catch me off guard and "ruin" my day. I was always looking over my shoulder waiting for the shoe to drop, to confirm my day was ruined! Without hesitation, I handed the power of my serenity and happiness to others around me. My suffering brought me a lot of attention that I tried to use to fill the holes that were in my heart and soul. I was a professional martyr and didn't even realize I had taken up that profession!

Today I can honestly say that I gave up that profession; although I do have moments that my train of thought starts to go down that road again of how I want to react to a situation and I have no intentions of practicing martyrdom! I much rather practice humility and reach for the help of my higher power through different situations. Recently there were two situations that were a bit traumatic for me. Both situations brought back that same train of thought of first, "How dare that other person try to cause me harm or try to upset me!" I wanted to play the victim and cry out to the world the injustice! Then I went through the feelings of being upset that I was wronged! How dare that other person! Quickly realizing my old character defects wanted to sprout up and that deep old practice of fuming for days and weeks about the situation, and WANTING to be upset so I could cry and vent to any human being within ear shot! Ugh, I am still shocked so many of my friends and family stuck around for so long through those years I was lost and fumbling around as I dealt with the family disease of alcoholism in my home.

I paused and realized I was alive and did not want to be upset. How important was it? Then I could pull from my shelf of compassion and say a little prayer for the other person. Next, I said the serenity prayer and took a deep breath. Then I worked to let it go. Truly a powerful and miraculous miracle I could work through that thought process.  None of that could of been possible without Al-Anon, my sponsor, my family, the literature, and my continued determination to continue to be a better person. That determination wavers some days, but I just work to pick myself back up and keep taking steps in the right direction to help myself not hide behind that pain and anger that keep me buried for so many years.

"... the greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions and not on our circumstances."  ~Martha Washington

Reaching for My Tools

I took some risky actions this week, but my intentions were filled with love, compassion, and fear. The topic of the meeting I went to the day I took those risks was about miracles. My miracle that day was I had a choice, I had a voice and I exercised both to take action that no one else was willing to do. I also had tools to help with my fear. By no means did others like my decision and some were even angry with me, but I said my peace and I did the best I could do under the circumstances. Then I had to hear from others that support me that now I have to hand over the outcome to not only my higher power but over to the other person's higher power so they can make their own decision.

I read the following reading the day of my turmoil. It was exactly what I needed to hear at that time. Then followed by an amazing meeting. Miracles. 

"Fear is the energy that activates my character defects. Sometimes my shortcomings lie dormant like a bumper-car ride with the electricity turned off, and I don't even notice them. When I'm afraid, however, my fear acts like a charge that causes the cars (my defects) to start moving. I spend my mental and physical energy running in circles, trying not to get bumped or run over.

What triggers my fear in the first place? Trying to control things over which I have no power is always one reliable switch. How do I disengage it? Using the Serenity Prayer helps me calm down. I make a list, which one column titled 'can change' and another titled 'can't change'. Then I break the problem down into elements and put into the appropriate column. When I'm done, I ask my Higher Power to redirect my energy toward the elements I can change.

Leaving the present and worrying about the future is another trigger. When I feel like my mind is ahead of my body, it helps to refocus on my body, and my mind often follows. I remind myself to let go and let God handle the things in my 'can't change' column. I focus on what I'm doing at the present moment: I am washing my hair; I am cooking dinner; I am driving my car. I might feel silly, but I'm willing to do what I can to bring myself back to the present moment. Such action sets the tone for a more serene and grounded day.

Thought for the Day
My fear is a natural human emotion for which there are many triggers. Al-Anon tools help me sort out and turn off the source for each one of them.

'My fears about alcoholism can keep me thinking in circles. The program helps me break their hold on my mind.' Alateen a day at a time p. 144" ~ Hope for Today p. 228

It never gets easier to see someone you love deteriorate in front of your eyes. Fear is a natural human emotion as the Hope for Today reading shared. Fear and anger were main drivers in my life when I came into Al-Anon. Through my program I am learning what my triggers are that turn on both my fear and anger. Over the past few years, I still have both of those emotions, and that is ok. However, the triggers have changed and shifted. My fear prior to Al-Anon shaped and dictated my life.  I was dying inside, emotionally and spiritually empty. The energy I excreted to live other people's lives for them, was exhausting and futile. The illusion of control feed my fear. As I started the journey to find a connection with a higher power of my understanding, I slowly started to find faith in myself and in living my own life. Piece by piece I replaced the fear with faith through learning the truth of what I could and could not control. As I build courage, I realize there are times when it is important to make a stand and send the message that enough is enough. Forming those boundaries and communicating those boundaries with compassion. I called out and my message was heard across the land. Even though my message was heard, the one it was meant for may have heard it, but this individual has to be willing to take their own action. I will continue to pray a decision is made to head in the right direction for their safety.

Looking back as I worked through if I should take the risk with the decision I was going to make. I believe in a subconscious way I was making a list of things I "can change" and the things I "can't change". I truly believe everything will happen the way it was suppose to happen, as long as I stay out of the way and only do my part.

I'm grateful today that my energy is not expended on stuffing my feelings, focusing on distractions that avoid my feelings and pain, and not acknowledging the reality around me. These can all be difficult to not do and when I am tired fear can easily trigger those bumper cars (my defects) and I can fall back into those wasted energy voids. Although I had fear this week of the choices I made, I knew the choices I made were the right thing to do. My fear this week was different, it was fear and dread that I might say something I didn't mean. So it was crucial for me to live in the moment and speak my truth, but not say it in a mean way. 

Reflection

I have been reflecting a bit on the last week or so. It continues to amaze me how much can happen in one day. The power of just one day. The flux of wonderful and not so wonderful things that can occur. This past week I finally made it to a meeting, one I hardly can make it too due to my schedule. However, my day unfolded and landed me right at the door of the meeting. Blessing in disguise. I heard exactly what I needed to hear, I know I say that a lot, but it's a miracle every time I listen to people who share their experience, strength, and hope. I also find when I'm not able to make it to meetings for a few weeks in a row and I finally make it to a different meeting with perspectives I have not heard before; that is when my reflection is sparked again. I always feel recharged and ready to take on anything after feeling ready and open to new evaluation and thought of my life. The meeting I attended was on Step 6. "Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character." I can remember when those were just words. Something we read before every meeting. Today having worked through the steps and a few years in the program under my belt, it has a deeper meaning today. A powerful rooted meaning in my life today. 

One of the readings that was shared was about hurt people hurt. That really struck home to me. When I really sit down and think about my everyday life, learning to have compassion and love for another human being that is truly hurting in many ways and just does not have the means to return that love and compassion hurts. The choices and actions they chose to make on a daily basis can hurt others. Those actions may consciously be made to hurt others or unconsciously, depends. The flip side that I'm learning is that I do have the choice to ALLOW those choices and actions to hurt me. Even though I may not react in a negative way or reactive way by getting angry or snapping back with a response. It does not mean it does not hurt. That hurt is still there whether I chose to react or not. Living with that active disease day in and day out, watching it progress, breaks my heart. Watching the one you love hurting themselves. I am getting better at being aware when actions are being taken to hurt me by others. Sometimes I recognize faster than other times, but I usually come to the realization that what is going on really has nothing to do with me, I am just an escape goat or deflection. I have worked so hard to be in the moment, that when these difficult situations arise, I am so in the moment, I tend to forget to see the bigger picture that what is actually being said most likely is NOT what is really the trigger of the situation. I tend to not realize that right away, leaving me confused and dazed, asking, "What just happened?"

When those difficult times come up then I reach for my tools, such as compassion, that I have to keep on stock and available to apply at anytime. I visually have to keep a shelf of compassion and love that I am constantly building through my recovery to help me walk through the fire to get to the other side. Making the choice to allow the other person to own their own stuff. Then I can own mine. I am getting tired of hurting. Tired of getting angry. By finding the compassion and love, not only in others, but finding within myself. It was a slow transition, but when I focused on changing myself to be a better person, the shift of that focus helped me accept myself more often then not. Weaknesses and strengths, all in one! The compassion I found, only came after a long time of others in Al-Anon that loved me just as I was, even though I was extremely broken. Having that support helped me grow and learn how to reach deep within myself to find that acceptance and love.

I am grateful I was able to find the courage to accept myself in the skin I have today. I could not have done that without a strong connection with my higher power, of my understanding. That was key for me, to have an understanding of a power greater than  myself, which is not in line with anyone else or other's belief. Although the chaos bubbles under the surface of those around me and sometimes within myself, I have the opportunity to use each of those situations to learn, recovery, and grow to learn to live with serenity. Step 6 was very healing to me. Having that acceptance of myself and seeing the beauty/hope in each situation, really gave me hope. My willingness and my openness, I feel, has helped me reach this point in my life.

"If a man carries his own lantern he need not fear darkness." -Hasidic Saying

**Disclaimer the photos are not mine, random internet "reflection" photos I have a huge respect for and was not sure how to site the photos. I LOVE reflection photos and always trying to capture my own. 

The Beast Within

I can remember sensing and seeing the Beast crawling underneath his skin, trying desperately to rear its ugly head. Although the Beast within was a part of him, I was not able to separate the man from the Beast. I had lost all compassion for both. I can remember the efforts I made, the energy spent in attempt to wrangle that monster and prevent it from coming to the surface. I would drown in a sea of overwhelmed emotions in an attempt to manipulate the situation, choking with anger and fear while having the false impression I knew the best choice to make in each situation. All of this in an attempt to avoid the paralyzing fear that came when the Beast rose to the surface. Alcoholism is the ugly Beast slowing taking over the man within.

The Beast still rumbles under the surface, craving and itching to rise to bring down the man it lives within, the world, and the people around it to satisfy its shame, guilt and grief. Although the Beast still has an active presence, the frequencies of the visits have lessened. I contribute some of the decline partially to my new choices to take back the power over my feelings and reactions I use to so easily hand over to the Beast. Also just as powerful in keeping the Beast at bay, are the choices that the man has made to keep the Beast in check. It is said that the disease of alcoholism cannot be cured but it can be harassed and put in check to live a fulfilled life. I truly believe that, partly because I have personally known friends that have many years of recovery and sobriety. Another perspective are the ones that have not found help or have not made the choice to connect with their HP to find a way to live a fulfilled life while living with the disease of alcoholism. Or another perspective, which is my reality, when the man struggles and works hard to make better choices to live a better life while still having the inner struggle with the Beast, without help and fighting the war alone. That Beast is always going to be there, temping and rippling under the surface, but it can be tamed and put to bed, if the man is willing to reach out for help.

I find it fascinating when the Beast does explode from the surface I personally react differently then I have in the past. Also, I realized that perhaps I do not even realize or acknowledge when the Beast arrives and tries to take down the world around me. Again, I am not giving the Beast power over me. In the past I can remember it would instantly trigger defensive behavior and an energy that was completely devoted to wrangling the Beast back to its den. My thoughts, feelings, and energy would be completely dedicated to that effort for days; simply exhausting and always proved ineffective. The manipulation through my words and actions, mixed with fear and pain as a result of the choices the Beast would make during those visits. The illusion of control and denial state I lived in that I could of actually wrangled the Beast, looking back that was absolutely absurd and part of what made me insane.

When I finally learned that I needed to wrangle my own fear and anger, this realization helped me become aware of my own actions and choices. It was life changing to come to realization that I needed to focus on myself instead of the Beast or the man. After finding this awareness, I slowly learned that I was allowing the Beast to run my life. Not only did my realization help me be aware of what made me who I am, but also a new found compassion for the Beast that allowed me to learn to love the man that was closely connected but separate from the monster. Although I still take precautions to protect myself from the Beast, who as I said ripples below the surface today, I work hard to no longer let it hurt or paralyze me with fear. That is a choice I make.

 

Power of Sharing

As I look at the calendar, I realized today is the last day of January! We blink and time is gone. I've piled quite a bit onto my plate lately. I'm finally feeling, or more accurately taking notice to the effects, anxiety and stress. Some of my old character defects popping up. I have to take a deep breath in and out. Releasing that anxiety and stress that wants to build up inside me. I was truly a gold medal winner in piling more and more into my daily life. In the past it would get to the point of me having a melt down, emotionally and physically. I haven't reached that point of a meltdown or even to the point trying to enter the Olympic event to try for the gold. Thank goodness! Luckily I'm trying to get it under control early on. It is time to start prioritizing and more "doing" and stop piling. I wonder what I'm avoiding? I'll have to pray and mediate on that more.

The meeting tonight was wonderful. Some of the topics were Love. Marriage. Relationships. Loneliness. I'm blown away how much I get out of listening to other people share their experience, strength, and hope. Love is a tricky thing. Almost something that cannot be labeled by just one definition. It is something that evolves and changes with time and experiences. I am blessed I have had unconditional love in my life. However, being a part of my own disease of attitudes and disease of co-dependency I had lost the love within myself. I had a difficult time recognizing that love from others around me that were emotionally available. Instead, I turned all my focus and energy trying to tap into an emotionally unavailable well that was sick with the disease of alcoholism. The love that evolved in my marriage was drenched with anger and resentment on both sides of the street. It can be very lonely. Being lonely in a marriage tore me up inside. But I was trying to find love for myself in somebody else. I found out the rough way, it doesn't work that way. Al-Anon gave me a safe place to be and to be loved by those around me for who I was, at that time. They also loved me as I evolved through my recovery. It allowed me time to find my strength and courage. This support allowed me to find that genuine love within myself again and then in return be able to share that love with those around me, including my marriage. It had to begin with me.

Through that discovery of genuine love again, I also found compassion. I'll be honest, there are moments I lose that compassion, but I'm grateful it's there more often than not. I believe the reason I found compassion and am able to separate the person from the disease is because I work little by little to chip away each little resentment that I have built up over the years in all my relationships and marriage. I learned to use the tool of forgiveness to help chip away at those resentments. The whole experience and continued journey has opened my eyes and heart.

Side note, I could not help but notice the adorable little plate faces the children had created in the classroom we meet in. They had a little note above that said, "Before I reach 100 years old, I will...." and then the various things they wanted to do. My favorite, of course, was "I will... ride a horse." Brought a smile to my face.

"Love is patient and kind, Love is not jealous or boastful, it is not arrogant or rude, Love does not insist on its own way." CtoCp355

Smart Ass

I don't know about you, but I get a lot of emails that are forward emails. I don't have time or the energy to read them all. However, I do manage to get to some of them and amazingly enough the ones I do read from friends and family are exactly what I needed to read at that moment. A good friend shared today the story below, which I found as a wonderful metaphor that I could use to help me interpret my path in my recovery.

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

I can remember the day I walked into the rooms of Al-Anon. I felt like a victim in my own life. My world was falling apart. I was emotional dead inside. Nothing was going right. I felt old, angry, lost, and just simply broken. I had fallen to the bottom of my well and was crying pitifully. I was desperate for relief. In fact, I was willing to try anything. I didn't know what I was feeling, but I knew it was painful and I certainly didn't have the self-worth or self-confidence to know if I was worth saving. 

 He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

In those rooms I heard other's stories and I wanted what they had. I wanted the serenity, love, confidence, courage, awareness, acceptance, and action they shared with their experience, strength, and hope. Most of readings and the steps didn't make any sense to me, but I could connect on a level I never felt before with the people in the meeting. I had that sense of hope that I wasn't in this journey alone. There were others that could relate to my daily chaos of living with active alcoholism. I was so deep into my own disease of perception that I felt the farmers in my life had started to give up on  me and distance themselves. I could envision them shoveling that dirt into the well I fell in to. It angered me, but I suppose they were trying to either help me end the misery or to shut me up as I would share my sorrows with anyone that would give me a moment of their time. I keep hearing "keep coming back". I felt the compassion and love from others that I didn't even know! My emotional tank was bone dry; therefore, I latched onto my weekly meeting. I didn't understand, but I knew I felt better after every meeting. I felt inspired & refreshed to take on another day. I relate that dirt being dumped over the edge of the well as the continually chaos or challenges that happens around me everyday; that could be traffic, interactions with H, my job, or anything that life has to toss my way. I can remember trying to fight the tools and principles that were presented to me that promised the relief. Not only promised, but were demonstrated in others that used the tools and principles. I struggled with accepting what I couldn't control. My will was to strong, so I did the horrible crying that donkey did when life keep tossing challenges at me. However, gradually over time, I felt that calmness. I experienced the peace and serenity for moments at a time here and there. My eyes started to open and I could see the amazement of those around me seeing the change in me right before our eyes. 


 A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As I've shared before, I'm grateful I married an alcoholic. By living with the active disease, I've had the opportunity to choose to face my fears and the painful chaos head on. I've learned to take each difficult situation and find a way to learn from it. To me the donkey made a choice to find the good in a horrible situation. He choose to make the best of the situation. He didn't take it personal that others were trying to keep him at the bottom of the well. I made the choice that I wanted to be a better person and wallowing at the bottom of the well wasn't were I wanted to be anymore. Life is to precious and I quickly realized I didn't want to waste any more time or energy on people, places, and things that I had no control over.


 As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

So I suppose I welcomed, in an odd way, the difficulty of life to come my way. I certainly didn't encourage the horrible situations, but challenges are not far away when alcoholism is thriving in your home. I am slowly learning to evaluate each situation and determine what are my choices, what is my part, and have the courage to one step at a time to do what is best for me and let the rest go. Today I don't feel trapped by the deep walls of the well. However, I do have my days where I dangle my legs over the edge and stare into the depths of the past. I see and feel many of those scars. I know there are many more layers that I need to work through. Today, I can be patient and I know my Higher Power will help me peel those layers back one by one. I never would of learned any of these lessons such as taking one step at a time to climb out of the well using my tools. I think one of the most crucial pieces for me, was learning how to apply those tools to my everyday life.

 MORAL :
 Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

 Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

 1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

 2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happens.

 3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.

 4. Give more.

 5. Expect less from people but more from yourself.


I am responsible for my own happiness.

Wrinkling the Soul

Last weekend my family and I spent the day at the Out of Africa park. I had enjoyed the park so much a few months ago, I talked my family into going for the day. This time, I wanted to stay to watch the shows and participate in the afternoon "feed". They feed the predator animals three times a week at 3pm. The animals know the sound of the trailer full of meat coming up the hill, they were all very active in anticipation. We left early in the morning so we could be on the first tour bus through the safari. It was a success as all the animals were active and I think my family enjoyed it! Out of Africa is a privately owned park. It was really great to watch the employees and the owners of the park interact with the animals, you could see the compassion and love these people had for the animals. None of the animals are trained, it is simply the relationships they have created with these animals. I really enjoyed the experience that day. I have some photos to share below.

The only bummer of the day was H wasn't able to join us as he had planned. He ended up being very sick and stayed home in bed. We had this day planned for months and I couldn't help but feel disappointed. Logically I understood that he was throwing up sick and needed to stay home in bed to rest. Also he didn't need to share whatever he had with the rest of the family. I'll be honest though the deep scars of years of disappointment tried to come to surface and ruin my day. Last weekend was a legit reason to miss the day trip; however, in the past if H felt that he was being forced to go somewhere he didn't want to go, he would refuse to go. Something I have to work on everyday is that I have to let go that H will not participate in most of the adventures I love to do. The years of getting excited that he might join the fun and my attempt to manipulate the situation to ensure he couldn't back out of saying yes. My hopes and excitement would be shattered just about every time. Because I was deep in my own disease of perception, I allowed myself to be crushed and allowed my trip to be ruined. Last weekend I shed a few tears after I left home, but it wasn't for that day, it was past disappointments that still want to haunt me and drag me down. The feeling of disappointment was so familiar to me for so many years, when it manages to sneak up on  me it's extremely powerful. Disappointment can take it's claws and grasp deep within my soul to drag me back to where I was in the past. The tools I have available to me today, allowed me to shed my tears and grieve for those scars I have of past disappointments. I'm grateful I could allow myself to feel those feelings, because I use to stuff those feelings deep into my being in false attempt to be "strong". Because I gave myself a moment to feel those feelings, I was then able to let it go and focus on the moments in front of me. I thoroughly enjoyed the day.

From Courage to Change page 258.

Today's Reminder: It is risky to care - I may be disappointed. But in trying to protect myself from pain, I could cut myself off from the many delights that life has to offer. I will live more fully today.

"Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul." Samuel Ullman

Pilgrim still giving out sloppy kisses!

Mr. Lemar striking a pose!

Chalet (Bengal tiger (White)) and Kumba (Lioness) are best friends.

Tiger Splash - Demonstrating Tigers natural instincts to hunt for pray

Watching for the feed truck

Beauty in Recovery

Our sunsets are never disappointing. It also changes quickly right in front of my eyes. My primary activity today was sleeping. I hardly ever sleep most of a day away; however, I think I'm still recovering from the last two weeks and must of needed the rest. I just glad I had a quiet weekend that I could take the break.

The few hours I was actually up today, I had a long carefree and loving conversation on the phone with H. It was one of those phone calls you would have with someone you are dating. We talked about anything and everything regarding life with the hint of flirting. There was compassion and sincere interest from both of us in what we both had to share without judgement. It was so much fun! Although only over the phone today, the level of intimacy in my marriage has improved by leaps and bounds in just the last few months. I attribute some of it to my willing to accept H for who he is and/or wants to be today. That's all I can do. I accept there is an inner struggle within H with the person he truly is (and the one I fell in love with) and the disease. The fact that I can simply enjoy who we both are today and be content with that, is such a relief. I spent so many years not living in the moment and continually wishing for something better. Longing watching the grass grow greener on the other side. However, not realizing at the time that image was simply an illusion and I had a wonderful life right in front of me the entire time. I realize today that wonderful doesn't translate into perfect or without chaos. I would not be the person I am today without those imperfections (or character defects) or chaotic experiences. I'm grateful today that I didn't have to lose any of that beauty in my life before I truly saw it with my heart and started to enjoy it. Although honestly, there was a lot of unacceptable behavior on both sides of the street that had to be sifted through before that beauty really started to shine. Time and willingness can heal wounds.

I've recognized that a characteristic that once allowed me to survive is no longer necessary, or that an asset that has lost its proportion makes my life unmanageable. Instead of proving sickness, this shows a willingness to face reality and a readiness to choose health.  Courage to Change page 230

Day 22: Seasonal

We don't necessarily have the four seasons here in the desert. We have spring-like weather about eight months out of the year, three months it's hot, and about one month is slightly chilly. Exactly how I love it!

However, today I didn't think of Nature's seasons when I read seasonal. I honestly keep thinking about the book by Gary Chapman, The Four Seasons of Marriage & Relationships. Mr. Chapman has a heavy Christian influence, which is fine. I personally an not a big fan of organized religion for myself; however, I can still find value in books and writings of that nature. I simply use the tool, "Take what you like, and leave the rest." That is and has always been a comfort and relief to me. Anyhow, I haven't actually read this book but I always find myself picking it up at the book stores and pursuing through it. I love analogs that help put difficult things into perspective! That is one thing I'm grateful for the Al-Anon program, there are many analogs shared that help put a feeling or situation into perspective that I can relate too or help put those feelings or situations into words, that I didn't know how to verbalize before. 

On the topic of Mr. Chapman, I did purchase his The Five Love Languages book several years ago. So simple and basic, but extremely effective! At least in my situation I found it helpful! It really helped me figure out what was important to me and explained why did certain things in my relationship. I was attempting to fill those VERY empty love tanks. H doesn't buy into any "self-help" book or guru. I had to let that go many, many years ago. That's fine, it doesn't mean I can't read and try some of these tools to see if they fit my life. Then one day, I nonchalantly asked H if he would take the "man" 5 love language test online and emailed him the link. No strings attached, just see what it says. Of course I received the usually response, that meant no way was he going to waste his time doing that. Which was what I expected. Several days later, H sent me the results of his test!!!!! I'll be honest, I about fell out of my chair when I saw the email! He took the test. Wow. He grumbled that he did it, but I was THRILLED, I had something to work with! After reading the results, it made sense to why certain things I did worked and didn't work. Most of my actions I did in our relationship were in attempt to fill my own love tanks and not his. Visa verse. So today when we have a "rough" day, I do try to remember those things that are important to him and try to implement that into the day to help relieve some of that tension. Most of the time it works. Today, I'm grateful for the many tools I can use for various situations in my relationships.