Battle in my Head

I realized today, I typed the share below on January 1, 2015 and never published! Instead of deleting, I would like to share.


It was a great first day of the year! Today was my Mom's birthday. I am grateful our small family and few friends were able to get together for lunch and a movie. Mom seemed very happy with the quality time with her family. I love her dearly with all my heart. She is an amazing person, Mom, and friend.

Everyday I struggle with changing my thinking. I work diligently EVERYDAY to shift my thinking patterns and perspectives. I have been programmed for so many years to react to every little thing, or lack of responses from others, or read into every response or decision someone else makes. These activities by others would drive me straight to react emotionally and physically to the the worst scenario possible. There was no pause. If someone didn't answer the phone when I called, I instantly went into anger or upset mode with the shitty committee in full session. "Are they ignoring me?", "Are they ok?", "What did I do wrong?" Wow, those were dark, dark days I lived in. No wonder I felt insane. I am much better at quieting my mind and not having the internal battle today. However, I do have my moments of set back. Usually when I am tired. Which I am today. I have noticed the last few days I have been running through those "worst" case scenarios to "prepare" myself for the worst. Are you KIDDING ME!!! This is such old behavior for me. I have to nip this in the butt NOW! I don't want to poison anything in my life today, mostly I don't want to poison myself with these horrible thoughts and "scenario" walk through to help prepare me for the worst. That is just me trying to predict the future! I have seen miracle after miracle the power of my mind. What I think and envision will be revealed in time. The scenarios I have been envisioning and walking through the "script", I have to stop. Perhaps that will happen, but that is not for me to decide or predict. I need to come back to today, the present, and focus on me and my happiness and serenity. I have to go back and remember those shoes that are flung at me, some of them are going to hit me in the face. That's ok, I just have to get back up and dust myself off. I need to see everything that’s holding me back, every obstacle, every limitation as only temporary.

Cured by Faith

"Al-Anon reminds me that I can only deal with one day at a time. This allows me to be more realistic about what I can do to improve my situation. It gets rid of the constant urgency." CtoC pg 315

This is so true in my life. The last few days I have had a few moments of anxiety overload and that sense of urgency, that was a driver of my life in the past, jumped into the driver seat. Thankfully I have the awareness and a connection with my HP, to realize that I am living in the wreckage of the future. Although the future is exciting and a breath of fresh air, it is a bit frightening to embark on this new path. So the miracle here is that I can take a deep breath, focus on being in the moment and ask myself what I can do right now.

"I can cope more effectively with difficult situations when I am realistic about my responsibilities. I have the tools I need to face today's challenges. I will trust my Higher Power with tomorrow." CtoC pg 315.

My Footwork Continues to Pay Off

It continues to make me pause and be in complete awe when I get through a difficult moment or situation without feeling crazy and ready to fly off the handle. I can remember in the past being so sensitive that anything would catch me off guard and "ruin" my day. I was always looking over my shoulder waiting for the shoe to drop, to confirm my day was ruined! Without hesitation, I handed the power of my serenity and happiness to others around me. My suffering brought me a lot of attention that I tried to use to fill the holes that were in my heart and soul. I was a professional martyr and didn't even realize I had taken up that profession!

Today I can honestly say that I gave up that profession; although I do have moments that my train of thought starts to go down that road again of how I want to react to a situation and I have no intentions of practicing martyrdom! I much rather practice humility and reach for the help of my higher power through different situations. Recently there were two situations that were a bit traumatic for me. Both situations brought back that same train of thought of first, "How dare that other person try to cause me harm or try to upset me!" I wanted to play the victim and cry out to the world the injustice! Then I went through the feelings of being upset that I was wronged! How dare that other person! Quickly realizing my old character defects wanted to sprout up and that deep old practice of fuming for days and weeks about the situation, and WANTING to be upset so I could cry and vent to any human being within ear shot! Ugh, I am still shocked so many of my friends and family stuck around for so long through those years I was lost and fumbling around as I dealt with the family disease of alcoholism in my home.

I paused and realized I was alive and did not want to be upset. How important was it? Then I could pull from my shelf of compassion and say a little prayer for the other person. Next, I said the serenity prayer and took a deep breath. Then I worked to let it go. Truly a powerful and miraculous miracle I could work through that thought process.  None of that could of been possible without Al-Anon, my sponsor, my family, the literature, and my continued determination to continue to be a better person. That determination wavers some days, but I just work to pick myself back up and keep taking steps in the right direction to help myself not hide behind that pain and anger that keep me buried for so many years.

"... the greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions and not on our circumstances."  ~Martha Washington

Power of the Mind

Think Positive

If you think you are beaten, 

you are.

If you think you should not,

you shouldn't.

Success begins with your 

own will...

it's all in your state

of mind.

Life's battles are not

always won.

By those who are stronger

or faster;

Sooner or later the person who wins

Is the person who thinks

he can!

I have this on a card I bought at one of the Al-Anon conventions. I am grateful for these little reminders I can pull out of my pocket or purse to set me back on track to tackle anything life has to toss at me. I was able to survive a huge hurdle today that has been on the horizon for sometime now. I allowed it to cause me some anxiety and stress; however, with tremendous support from friends and family, I was able to endure the task at hand. Although results are still to be determined, I have a sense of peace all will be well and will work out just the way they are suppose too. It always renews my faith in human beings to enter a difficult situation and be pleasantly surprised to have others that are down to earth, aim for the truth and facts, and honestly seem to care for the well being of others. That always warms my heart about others that have those traits. Feeling relieved today and grateful for the little miracles around me and the power of positive thinking can help me get through a difficult day or task. 

Good Blur

I survived my first week! It was a complete whirlwind and I am still trying to digest each detail of the puzzle. I realize it will take time for all the pieces to fall into place. I'm not worried about that as I have learned I acclimate pretty quickly to new jobs and situations. I'm seeing some unique challenges that I will need to over come with this new job and organization. Is it strange to say that I'm excited about the journey!? The organization is in a state of exciting transition and growth; therefore, the need for some process changes is on the very near horizon to help our department be more efficient and productive. I'm looking forward to helping with those positive changes. There were a few moments of panic around me with certain situations this week, I personally wasn't panic as I didn't quite understand all the piece of the chaos and also didn't feel it was worth getting worked up about anyways. I liked how our team handled the situation to really get everyone to take a moment, take a step back, and really look at what was going on and how urgent the situation really was (not.) Keep. it. simple. I strongly believe that is important for me to do, both personally and professionally and I hope that can bleed over into this new role I'm taking on. The team I work with all seem great and I'm looking forward to getting to know everyone better. I hit it off with my co-worker right away that I'm sharing an office with for the moment, who we  will call S. My understanding is there are plans for our department to be moving into a newly built building in a few months. Nothing like hitting the ground running!

Today my pain was manageable, which I'm very grateful for! I was beyond exhausted yesterday after about a week or more of not sleeping well, the stress of the accident details, and the new job stress on top of that, I believe I crashed hard last night and finally got some much needed rest. Which in turn allowed me to feel a little better today. What a relief! I strongly believe the other reason I felt great today was I woke up to rain this morning. Raining days always help me feel better and wash away a lot of that not-so-positive thoughts, energy, and feelings I tend to hang onto when I'm in survival mode.

For my sanity and to reduce my stress level I decided to hire an attorney to take over the accident details. I felt better immediately after I met with the attorney knowing he would be taking it from that moment forward. The only piece that I'll hang onto is taking care of the communication with my dealership that is fixing my car. I already had the ball rolling; however, it is nice to know the attorney is there to support me if the dealership doesn't stay in line. Ha! So, I won't go into a lot of detail, but I did have quite a bit of damage to my car at the scene; however, it was somewhat drivable, although there were a few details that started to occur on my way home that caused my anxiety level to escalate! I had just under a half of tank of gas when the accident happened and as I was sitting at the scene with the car on with the a/c, the gas gauge dropped to zero and the gas light came on. That scared me more than anything! Also, let me just say I don't normally make it a habit to sit there with my car idling with the air on and wasting gas; however, it was 112 outside that day and it was around 6 pm. Anyhow, I obviously made it home but refused to drive the car any further. The dealership sent a tow truck the next day. So with that back history, the dealership called today to ask, again, about the details of what I noticed wrong after the accident. I shared the details, again, with the same gentleman. He was skeptical and questioned me with a warning that there would be a huge cost to me if they find out my car was just low on gas. I very politely reinforced the situation and made it clear that simply was NOT the case. Proceeding to ask him to please have his team thoroughly check ever part attached, connected, or even remotely involved with the fuel system to insure my car is safe to drive and back to the way it was before I was rear ended. I reminded him of the other details that I had concerns and asked he make sure his team address all of the issues. He called several hours later after he test drove the car, and surprise, surprise, there was something wrong with the fuel gauge. I get there is a business side to all of this and they can't waste money; however, it is extremely frustrating when people don't listen to me or even remotely act like they believe I'm telling the truth. **sigh** It will all work out and be fine. The thought of my fuel system not functioning right when I drive my car, I can't even put into words how sick that makes me feel.

I do have some good news! I have my camera back from the manufacturer! They repaired it at no cost and was covered under warranty. The only detail of the entire process that was a little bit irritating, I mailed everything in the original box and they didn't mail the box back. I'm one of those people that hang onto the original box for electronic items. Oh well, the rest of the experience was wonderful and not getting the box back is not the end of the world. I can let that one go. Here are a few photos I took of the sunset today with no-black-spots!! WoooHOO!

A dear friend of mine sent me a message recently ending the message with enjoy the clouds. At first I was confused by the salutation of her message; however, I quickly realized what this friend meant and it made me smile. I know it is a good day when I can look up and enjoy the beauty in the sky. Enjoy.

I didn't make it to my meeting or any other meetings this week due to my new work schedule and "side hobby", aka house/puppy sitting. Although I have an amazing support system in each facet of my life; nothing replaces the relief I feel going to a meeting.

I'd like to end tonight with one of the daily reading from this past week, that was perfect for me. It's from Courage to Change page 228.

After living in the chaos of an alcoholic relationship, it can be hard to know that difference between a minor inconvenience and a major crisis. Al-Anon's slogan, "How Important Is It?" helps many of us to regain some sense of proportion.

When plans fall through, when unexpected bills arrive, when I am disappointed in someone's response, I can ask myself, "How important is it?" Most of the time I find that what I might have viewed as a disaster is really insignificant. If I try to keep my attention on this day instead of worrying about possible future consequences, I can take my disappointment or irritation at face value and refuse to dramatize it.

Because of this simple slogan, many days that I would once have seen a tragic are now filled with serenity and confidence.

Today's Reminder
Today, if I encounter an upsetting situation, I will ask myself, "How important is it?" before I react. I may find that it is not important enough to sacrifice my serenity.

"It is almost as important to know what is not serious as to know what is." John Kenneth Galbraith   

Day 28: Daily Routine

I need to remember to keep it simple! My first thought for this post was an elaborate series of photos of what I do throughout the day. I quickly realized, that was not keeping it simple! So my Dad made a simple suggestion, which is demonstrated in the photo above. Nothing fancy, just a few simple words jotted down on the white board in the kitchen.

This is sort of how I feel this week. Exhausted. So that's when I need to really keep it simple so I can take care of myself, survive, and get some rest. When I'm tired and stretched thin, the slogans are my savior! "This to shall pass", "How important is it?", "First things first", and H.A.L.T. (Am I hungry, angry, lonely, and/or tired?) have been frequently used this week! Nothing terribly horrible has happened, just busy, busy, busy and not resting well. So over time, that catches up with me.

I'm a pro at getting comfortable in a rut of a daily routine! I thrive on structure and consistency, but also I have learned that I can thrive on growth and change. A combination of all of it is healthy for me. However, part of my own disease of attitudes, is idling in that comfort level of not pushing myself. Lately, I've been pushing myself and exploring new innovative ideas in a few areas of my life, such as a new little side business. I'll share soon once I get everything lined up. I'm really excited for the opportunity to share my skills to help others have something they will love and cherish! So a combination of keeping myself busy exploring these new adventures, while working full time, trying to take care of myself by exercising and doing the things I love (gardening, spending time with my dogs, blogging and reading blogs, working my spiritual program, etc), and placing loving energy into maintaining relationships with H, friends, and family that are important to me. Some days, I just need to remember to breath and survive with a smile.

“The difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.” Gerald Burrill

How Important Is It?

I'll be honest, this week has been tough at work as we move our office location and work to get settled into our new space. In this new environment with sort of new people, my old character defects really want to come out and play when it's stressful and sort of feels like walking around with potential land mines ready to go off at any minute. Before I re-act, I have to pull myself back and ask myself, "How important is it?" Is it worth it to react to unacceptable behavior by another person that will jeopardize my serenity? The answer is obviously, NO! I've just had to focus on being in the moment and not reacting to someone else's "stuff." Today, I'm choosing to let them own their own stuff and I'll own mine.

I'm a little shaky on my feet today, but grateful I made it to a new meeting I've never been too before. The beauty is I still saw some familiar faces and new ones that helped lift my heart and spirit.

I'm exhausted and I don't have a lot to share right now, so I'd like to share a reading from Courage to Change that really helped me stay centered and slightly more balanced than I would of otherwise been today.

"I used to feel very hurt if anyone gave me an angry look, spoke in a harsh tone, or didn't speak at all. I've grown enough in Al-Anon to realize that the look, tone, or mood of another person toward me often has nothing to do with me. It generally has more to do with what is going on inside the other person.

So why do my feelings still get hurt? It occurs to me that my extreme sensitivity is a from of conceit - I think I am the focus of everyone's actions. Am I so important that everything that goes on around me must have something to do with me? I suspect that attitude reflects my vanity instead of reality. And vanity is simply a defect of character that I am working on changing.

With Al-Anon's help, my sensitivity to all that happens around me has greatly lessened. I try to ask myself, "How important is it?" When I do carry the hurt, it only hurts and controls me.

Today's Reminder:
Other people are important to me, and sometimes their opinions matter, but I may be taking something personally that has nothing to do with me. Having opinions of my own about myself lets me accept other people's thoughts without being controlled by them.

'It was through going to meetings and the daily readings of Al-Anon literature that I awakened to the fact that what other people did and said reflected on them; what I did and said reflected on me.' Living with Sobriety"

Keeping it Simple

As you may have noticed, I try really hard to live in the moment of gratitude. The days I can be thankful for all the wonderful things and miracles around me, are the days I'm most at peace and serene. Despite other individuals possible emotional tornado touching ground close by. I can simply take safety precautions to keep myself safe and sane.

I really try to start my day with the right mind set. That way I'm ready to tackle whatever challenge I encounter that day. Some mornings I just don't have the time or energy to read a daily reading out of one of my Al-Anon books and/or peruse through a fellow blogger's post. However, I usually need a quick mind adjustment! This is were my wonderful friend's gift of Positive Thought cards come in handy! This morning I just didn't have the energy, so I quickly shuffled the cards and drew out of the middle. The result was "Life is Simple and Easy." Then the little quote on the back shares, "All that I need to know at any given moment is revealed to me. I trust myself and I trust life. All is well."

It is sooooooo true, life is simple and easy! Why do I have the urge and tendency to make it complicated and more difficult then it needs to be? Today, right now, I will keep it simple. Smile. Open my eyes to the miracles around me. All is well.

Laughter

Back to work today, but it was a wonderful long weekend! I took Thursday and Friday off last week. I had a long to-do list and accomplished most of it. Which always feels good. I must share a few "mistakes" I made this weekend that literally made me laugh out loud at myself. It's a good day when I can laugh at something dumb or silly I've done.

On Saturday, I was working in the backyard tending to the garden and our other plants. The weather was beautiful and the temperature was in the high 60's with a mixture of clouds and sun. I'm walking around the side of the pool to water our Ficus tree, when all of a sudden I stepped back and had a shocking COLD wake up call! As I resurfaced to the top of the pool I was gasping for air from the shock and COLD! As I sat on the bench seat in the deep end of the pool trying to catch my breath, I'm laughing so hard it's not helping to catch my breath. I felt so silly for falling into the pool! In the 9 years we have owned this house, I've never fallen into the pool like that! I scratched and bruised one of my chins and the top of my foot pretty good. Ouch.

The second thing I did this weekend. I have a coupon for a digital photo book that expires the end of this week. So I've been scanning some old photos. Well, I was about 90% done when my husband mentioned that the default setting on our scanner was the lowest dpi setting available. I just about cried at that moment. But instead just started laughing hysterically! What else could I do?! So I started over, but with a better dpi setting so the photos were a better quality. I must say that was a lot of hours scanning photos. Lesson learned, double check my the settings before starting a huge project like that. 

I'm thankful I can laugh at myself when I do things like this, when in the past I would of been angry, lashed out at anyone and everyone around me! This anger and frustration would fester for weeks and bleed into all parts of my day. Not pretty. Now I just take a deep breath and ask myself, "How important is it?!" Then laugh out loud. It helps me to put things in perspective faster.

Laughter is Contagious