Independence Day!

In my small part of the world, tomorrow, July 12, will represent a significant turn in my history. It will mark one year I reached deep within myself for strength and courage to tell H that I was ready to sever ties of our marriage. For years, I allowed myself to be shackled by the chains of fear, shame, guilt, anger, unhappiness, expectations, pleasing others, and resentments. It took me a long time to realize I was watching H self destruct right in front of my eyes, slowly one day at a time, by the disease of alcoholism and other "labels" that have been attached to him by the medical field. Although labels, I could see from the outside some truth to some of them. Although he still, to this day, doesn't believe anything the doctors, or anyone else for that matter, has suggested might be a problem, he lives in denial and sinks deeper and deeper into his own disease. What I didn't realize, I was also self destructing right in front of my own eyes. I tried everything in my power and then some, to help H, but mostly for years I tried to manipulate and change him. Because I thought I knew what was best for him and tried to make us happy. That was my disease of perception, that created an illusion of control over another person. I didn't have the tools to realize, I had to take care of myself first, then I could be of help to others. But I never would know or have the answer of how someone else should live their life. In addition, I can only help someone else if they ask and willingly want the help. I was right there in the trenches of the effects of the family disease of alcoholism. Honestly, there are several turn of events that happened, but if I hadn't reached out for help and forced myself to have willingness to change myself and work little by little to be a better person. My hard work helped me rise out of the trenches. I would have died in those trenches. Scary thought, but filled with more truth than perhaps I want to admit to myself.   

Today, I know we both had a part in that difficult journey we walked together and I have taken responsibility for my part. Looking in the mirror and admitting my wrongs, is extremely difficult, but worth the healing that comes after facing those wrongs. I have made amends to myself and others. There are more amends to be made, but that will come with time and more healing. 

Thomas Jefferson shared a few years after the Declaration of Independence was signed, "May it be to the world, what I believe it will be... the signal of arousing men to burst the chains and to assume the blessings and security of self-government. That form, which we have substituted, restores the free right to the unbounded exercise of reason and freedom of opinion. All eyes are opened, or opening, to the rights of man. For ourselves, let the annual return of this day forever refresh our recollections of these rights, and an undiminished devotion to them."

Although very different, and I mean no disrespect to America's Independence day, but I can see a lot of parallel in our country's historic event and my own; however, mine was to a smaller degree, but same huge impact. I was able to shatter the chains I allowed and placed on myself for so many years. It was time and I was ready to take the power back and find my own security and serenity within myself instead of trying to fill that void from the outside in. This past year I have exercised my new found reason and freedom! I am finding my voice. my confidence. my pure happiness. my self-love. my love for life, again. and much, much more. Gratitude fills my heart today and truly feel blessed to have had the opportunity to go through everything I did. I continue to work hard to learn from my past, so I can appreciate today is a gift! 

This past year has helped me to open my eyes and heart to see, breath, and live in the moment, of the beauty around me. To embrace the joy that I have within myself and let it shine bright! I love my life today. I am beyond grateful for what I have and the amazing family and friends that are a part of my life. I am also grateful today I can have compassion for H and pray he finds peace, serenity, and happiness during his journey. While having that compassion, I will have my healthy boundaries to ensure I continue to live in a world of gratitude and not allow the disease to chain me again. 

Battle in my Head

I realized today, I typed the share below on January 1, 2015 and never published! Instead of deleting, I would like to share.


It was a great first day of the year! Today was my Mom's birthday. I am grateful our small family and few friends were able to get together for lunch and a movie. Mom seemed very happy with the quality time with her family. I love her dearly with all my heart. She is an amazing person, Mom, and friend.

Everyday I struggle with changing my thinking. I work diligently EVERYDAY to shift my thinking patterns and perspectives. I have been programmed for so many years to react to every little thing, or lack of responses from others, or read into every response or decision someone else makes. These activities by others would drive me straight to react emotionally and physically to the the worst scenario possible. There was no pause. If someone didn't answer the phone when I called, I instantly went into anger or upset mode with the shitty committee in full session. "Are they ignoring me?", "Are they ok?", "What did I do wrong?" Wow, those were dark, dark days I lived in. No wonder I felt insane. I am much better at quieting my mind and not having the internal battle today. However, I do have my moments of set back. Usually when I am tired. Which I am today. I have noticed the last few days I have been running through those "worst" case scenarios to "prepare" myself for the worst. Are you KIDDING ME!!! This is such old behavior for me. I have to nip this in the butt NOW! I don't want to poison anything in my life today, mostly I don't want to poison myself with these horrible thoughts and "scenario" walk through to help prepare me for the worst. That is just me trying to predict the future! I have seen miracle after miracle the power of my mind. What I think and envision will be revealed in time. The scenarios I have been envisioning and walking through the "script", I have to stop. Perhaps that will happen, but that is not for me to decide or predict. I need to come back to today, the present, and focus on me and my happiness and serenity. I have to go back and remember those shoes that are flung at me, some of them are going to hit me in the face. That's ok, I just have to get back up and dust myself off. I need to see everything that’s holding me back, every obstacle, every limitation as only temporary.

Acceptance of the Dents and Cracks...

I came across this share today online. Honestly, it brought tears to my eyes. I feel like we are all a little broken in one form or another. Bleeding and forming scars as we go along. As we mend, I feel it all just depends on how my perspective and view of those scars continues after the hurt. How do I handle it? The broken part, the difficult haunting past, the pain, and guilt, that all can be managed and put into perspective. It just depends if I let all that run my life today. Same goes for those that I love. Are they letting all those crutches hinder their love to live life today? Perhaps, I know I was letting it weight me down. But not anymore, I am freeing myself of that weight on my shoulders, heart, and soul. Letting it go.  I will continue to love others that are broken. Why? Because I know that pain, and can have compassion. However, will I wallow right there next to them? Well, that answer is changing. There are boundaries now, for myself and for them. I am finding the respect to respect my own boundaries I set for myself and my limitations of what I will accept in other's behaviors. What a relief to live and respect those boundaries. Also to be able to communicate those boundaries to others in a kind and loving way. Powerful miracles. So yes, I will continue to survive and love those that are broken, because I will also be scarred by my past, but those wounds will heal and possibly open to bleed again, but I know how to care for those wounds so they don't get infected and take my life away again. I can only pray those I love will choose a similar path, but that's not for me to decide and I will not deter from my path of recovery. 

Slow Progress, ah It's a Beautiful Thing

Everyday I work towards being a better person. Some days I am better at it than others. But thankfully I am working towards progress and not perfection anymore. Remember that wandering I felt like I was doing, well really it was my slow progress working in the background. Honestly, it was also my slight impatience interfering along with my will and wishing for my own time frame for certain things to happen. Fighting the inner battle of my will versus my HP's is a daily activity. The days I can get out of my own way, live in the moment and hand it over helps me be committed to where I am right now!! Those are good days that I say and do the right thing and then in return can experience miracles around me. There were a few miracles this past week I never would of expected possible. That is the beauty of my program, letting go so I can see the beauty of the unthinkable that I never imaged possible!!! Nothing is set in stone today, but these little miracles prove to me time and time again that I have choices. I am worth it. AND I will be ok no matter what tomorrow brings because I am heading in the right direction. 

Humility?

Overall, it was a great day. I have a lot to be grateful for. I had the opportunity to spend some quality time with a new friend. The exchange of experience, strength and hope was powerful. I look home some good nuggets to ponder and think over. One of those nuggets was in the form of a question to me. "Do you feel you will out grow him?" When I answered I did not hesitate and blurted out "I feel like I already have."

Thinking back after processing the evening, my instant quick response causes me pause. I feel now that was a judgmental response. Yes I have been working my program diligently and working to be a better person everyday, but I am by no means perfect or better than anyone else. I feel like that is how I came across, that I am better than H. To me that is an unacceptable way to think and a behavior I am not proud of. What right do I have to make that judgement on someone else?

I feel I need to step back and find my humility in this situation. Also to forgive myself that I was speaking my truth. Finding that forgiveness in myself that it is important for me to recognize my growth and courage. But to also find and practice that humility that I am not lesser or superior to anyone else on this earth. Honestly the ground is equal footing, I just am in a different place. That's it.

I have failed over and over to control or even attempt to conquer the disease of alcoholism in someone else. I am powerless of that disease and the other person. As Courage to Change says, "It took a long time, but I finally realized that surrender does not mean submission - it means I'm willing to stop fighting reality, to stop trying to do God's part, and to do my own. (p 283)"

The journey continues and I will keep going back! 

Storm Rolling In, Accented with Beauty

Everyday this week has been a long day, thus it's been a super long week. However, it's been a very productive week. It's also been a week that I've had several severe headaches. Not quite migraine but to close for comfort. Not sure what's going on or triggering my headaches, but I need to take it easy and try to find out why I'm getting them again all of a sudden. My first guess is stress. I've taken steps to start the enrollment process towards my Masters degree. I have some other goals that I've been trying to put into place as well to try to get myself on a healthier track. 

Anyhow, I don't have a lot of time to share tonight, as I need to get to bed. Today a storm started to roll into the state and on my way home from my meeting tonight it was pretty windy out and the clouds are really low or it was dust, I'm not sure but the visibility was horrible. It really felt eery watching the wind blowing the trees back and forth casting odd shadows under the street lights in the street. **goose bumps** The winter storm is suppose to stick around for the next two or three days. Bringing a freeze warning with it. We will have to cover our plants the next few nights.

When the storms roll in, they bring the clouds. As you know I love clouds! They are spectacular and one of my favorite things to photograph. And with the clouds come the amazing Arizona sunrises and sunsets. I'd like to share the sunrise and sunset with you from today.  

Sunrise

Sunrise

Sunrise

Sunset

Sunset

Sunset

Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.

Brittle Around the Edges

Yesterday was a beautiful cloudy day in December. I had to keep it simple yesterday morning when I woke up. The evening before was a difficult night with H. A lot of old emotions were stirred up. I think a lot of it was because I was tired. I had the old feeling that H needed to be punished. For what purpose? To satisfy my old resentments? It still amazes me how easy it can be to go back to old reactions and feelings in response to actions and choices H makes. Those reactions and feelings triggered by the actions of somebody else ran my life before I had the tools to take back my life. That was how I survived and cooped. I have found it to be exhausting being a puppet of others emotions and actions. Disrespect and inconsideration was definitely in effect the other night, probably on both sides of the street if I honestly look close enough.

Yesterday was also the 2 year anniversary of H's best friend's death, that has been in the back of my mind in regards to H's actions the last few weeks. I've been trying hard to not take everything personal but I think last night everything sort of caught up with me. There are also some other pieces of H's life he is neglecting that I had felt a lot of hope. Hope that the help that was needed was on the horizon. However, I should know better than to think I see the path. Let alone the path for someone else!! Anyhow, that hope has been whittled down the last few weeks and has become a little brittle around the edges, obviously.

So what did I do with all that unacceptable behavior? Well like good old times I tried to internalize it to satisfy those old character defects that continue to try to rear their ugly heads. The only tool I could grasp in the moment was the serenity prayer, over, over, and over again until I fell asleep. Then when I woke up I started with the daily reading from CtoC to help try to shift my perspective. I know I share the exact reading a lot, but the literature is beyond powerful and speaks to me in so many ways. So I'd like to share with you the reading from December 30th.

The unpleasant things other people say or do have no power to destroy my peace of mind or ruin my day unless I permit it. Do I allow myself to respond to the words of a sick person as if they were the ultimate truth? Could I possibly be getting some benefit from accepting humiliation?

Sometimes I wonder. I played the martyr role for a long time. My suffering brought me a lot of attention and pity. I grew accustomed to blaming others for my problems, and I avoided taking responsibility for my own life. In other words, I suspect I may have benefited from my pain. But those benefits are no longer worth the price.

Today I am finding out who I really am with the help of my Higher Power and the Al-Anon program. There is beautiful person within me who has no need to build an identity around suffering. I am learning to let that person blossom instead of hiding behind a cloak of suffering. I don't want to miss any more of the wonderful opportunities available to me to live, grow, and enjoy.

Today's Reminder: There is so much to appreciate in this life. I won't waste another moment feeling sorry for myself.
I started my morning with that reading to help shift my warped thinking that I was a victim and that I enjoyed rolling in the filth of suffering to soothe my pain. Because that was exactly what I was doing. What always hits me across the face is that I allowed myself to react that way to the other person's actions. I permitted that?? I fought that notion for a long time, no way was it my fault, did you not hear or see what that person did? Then when I started to take responsibility for my part and not owning the pieces that were not mine, did I start to see the light that I had choices. Finding and applying humility was also a big part of realizing the choices I had. I most certainly could continue as usual with feeling hurt, frustrated, angry, and blaming others, because as the reading shared, it brought me a lot of attention and pity. Which it did for a long time until I started to realize something wasn't right. I came to realize that living with that pain wasn't worth it anymore. I can remember having the thought process after I realized I had choices that I was wasting my time!! I was wasting my energy on someone I didn't want to be anymore. Then as usually I swung to the complete opposite side of the pendulum and went to the extreme of taking advantage of the wonderful opportunities I didn't want to miss out on anymore! In true fashion I always have to over do it before I find my balance.

Although I still can find comfort behind that cloak of suffering, yesterday I decided to toss it on the floor and leave it behind. I was invited to go riding with my friends. So we embarked on a day full of adventures on horseback. It ended up being a bit colder than I think we intended, but it actually was a new experience to be sleeted on for the first time while riding! We were higher up in elevation as we drove up to Wickenburg to Sophie's Flat trail head. I made healthy choices for myself to go for a ride and connect with my HP. Detach from H & myself. Being outside with the horses, always clears my head. I can see with fresh eyes and a new open heart.

Wishing you a safe, laughter filled, and serene New Year's Eve! Thank you 2012 for the ups and downs of life to help me arrive where I'm suppose to be today. Looking forward to another wonderful year of life surrounded by those I love and personal growth!

I am not perfect, but I am excellent! ~page 366, CtoC

Short Stories

I hope each of you had a wonderful Christmas, or which ever holiday you celebrate and were able to spend it with family and friends filled with laughter. I'm wide awake at this crazy hour, very unusual for me. Tonight I feel like it's going to be a "short story" theme type of post.

Who's That Lady?
I've attempted to post for the last few weeks. However, I just keep running out of hours in the day! Although life is still going a hundred miles an hour, I've felt a calm peace of serenity through the holidays. I'll catch myself shrugging my shoulders and telling myself, "That's ok, there's always tomorrow." or "Uh, I just don't feel like that is that important right now and take a moment for myself." It sort of catches me off guard. Then I sort of look around to see if anyone heard what I was just thinking! The "old" me would have stressed myself silly trying to get everything, and then some, done in a single day! So this "new" habit or way of thinking is still very new to me, but very appealing. The other interesting part is if I have a bad moment, or day, I actually don't remember or dwell on the details like I use too. I've really been practicing letting go to the extreme lately. If it was an extreme sport in the Summer Olympics, I'd be on the team and be running a few of the courses.

Extreme Journaling
Although I've felt the peace and calmness lately, I still find when I have a lot on my mind, it's difficult to sit and write. Journaling is a MUST for my sanity. Blogging has helped me get the thoughts out of my head and out of the hands of the shitty committee and put those thoughts into perspective. I do go through phases; I will feel the desire to journal by putting my thoughts down on paper with a pen or I will feel the passion to type a blog post or more simply read my literature and make notes in the side margin. However my journaling evolves, it's crucial for me to get take those thoughts out of my head to allow room for the serenity I crave and need. The last few weeks I really felt the urge to write in my journal with my pen. Viciously scribbling to get all my thoughts down before the thought escapes me! My writing style is very different in my journal versus my blog. In my blog posts I feel I have to be a little more polish. However, I've accepted I'm not perfect, and grateful for progress, not perfection. If it wasn't for that awareness and acceptance I'd never complete a blog post!! So in my paper journaling I just scribble my thoughts out as fast I can out of my head; nothing is polished, you might ask what is a sentence structure?, and half the time, forget about punctuation! It's been very freeing to allow myself to let that all go in my paper journaling. I've felt the pull to thought dump onto paper. That is most likely why my posts have been on the light side.

Friendships I had a wonderful day that allowed me to be surrounded by people that mean the world to me. A wonderful lunch catching up with two of my favorite people and an evening attending a speaker meeting followed by a few hours of silly laughter with the ladies. I'm truly blessed to have such wonderful friends. To be able to sit and be at peace by simply being with the people that I cherish. I love the fact it doesn't matter the length of time between our visits; less than 24 hours, months, or years, to have the ability to pick up where we left off. To have the compassion, love, and understanding for who the other person is today. The friends that see me as I am and love me for who I am, I'm beyond grateful for that. To me those are the friendship I cherish and hold close to my heart.

When does the World End?
I suppose we survived another episode of the world ending this month. I heard recently someone share that in their life time, they have survived three ending of the world. It made me chuckle. This time of  year I use to take advantage of taking inventory of what I had accomplished and added to my rap sheet to share with the world. I had the drive to be able to tick off to anyone that would listen the things I had accomplished that year. I think it was an attempt to stroke my ego (that I didn't realize I had!) or it was an attempt to nurse my low self-esteem back to life. Every beat of my heart was working towards the approval of others, to find the love, caring, and acceptance of everyone around me. Then once I had that pat on the back from you, I'd justify why that compliment or pat on the back wasn't necessary. The sick and twisted dance of my insanity assembled with my character defeats. Today, I still need those words of affirmation. I have learned that is something that is important to me. However, it's not what drives my every heart beat or something that really crosses my mind in an attempt to manipulate a situation or conversation. It's nice to be able to just hear those affirmations without fishing for them and once receiving them, simply saying "thank you." What a relief to not have that awkward grade school dance feeling in those situation anymore.

Master of Leadership
I've decided that I'm going back to school for my Masters. I have an amazing opportunity through work to get a degree on their dime. I'm still sorting out the details.

Yup, More Clouds!We had a storm try to roll into the Valley; however, all we ended up with was an amazing sunset.

A few weeks ago, we had a cloudy day that shared a spectacular sunrise and an equally beautiful sunset.

Sunrise

Sunset

I never get tired of Mother Nature's beauty. Breath taking sunset just a few evenings ago.

Surrender

A dear friend shared this today and it really spoke volumes to me where I'm at today. The beauty of the serenity prayer woven through the message. Along with the peacefulness that comes with surrendering. Let go and let god. I am responsibility for my own happiness.

Just Another Tuesday

I'm back! I've really missed you all! I'd like to say that life is settling down, but that wouldn't be truthful. However, I do miss writing and I've had the burning desire to start putting the thoughts in my head into print again. So here it goes! Where in the world do I start?

The past few months have almost been a complete blur. It's been a bit of up and down, but when is life not like that? I believe I've allowed my ups and downs to be a bit more steep than I normally would allow. The major contributor to that? S.T.R.E.S.S. Yup, I realized a few days ago, after a slight melt down that I have not been addressing my stress level appropriately. When it gets to that level it brings me to my knees. The last few days I've made an effort to take better care of myself and not allow the stress to dominate me.

I'd like to share some of my moments the last few months:

* I'm on the mend from the accident and slowly getting back into my workouts, this week. I'm completely starting from scratch again, but that's ok. Today is a clean slate.
* I completed going through all the steps for the first time with my sponsor. It truly is a blessing to go through my recovery as my HP intends me too. On a recent trip with some girlfriends, I had some amazing opportunities to really live step 12. I didn't realize it until I was back home sharing my weekend with my sponsor how much step 12 was woven into my weekend.
* The best part of my journey through these steps, in the last several weeks the word surrender has been crossing my path. I honestly haven't really studied this word and how it could apply to me. So I've felt this desire to explore it more, which happens to turn out Step 1, 2, and 3 really fall into the concept of surrendering. My HP works in amazing ways and I'm looking forward to working the steps through again to delve deeper into the layers of who I am. The journey continues.
* Anyone going to the International Al-Anon Convention next year in Vancouver?
* I did vote today!
* My Dad and Mom have always been an inspiration to me. Recently my Mom participated in a challenge at her work that if their team raised a specific amount of money for Breast Cancer, she would shave her head. Well, her team raised the crazy high amount of money and several people at work shaved their heads. I love the confidence my Mom has to do something like that in something she believes in! She inspired a lot of people.
* I've been trying to spend as much time outside as I can, the weather is gorgeous! I have been keeping those on the East coast in my prayers with the horrible weather and storms. Especially since it sounds like more are on the horizon! Stay safe my friends! I will pray for sunshine for you. I've been able to get some beautiful photos lately. I'll share some below.
* I'm asking for your help. I want to ask you for your feedback or ideas. If you were invited to attend a journal workshop - what would that mean to you? What do you envision or would be interested in doing at this workshop? Just whatever first comes to mind!
* Work is going well. I am so grateful for being in a better environment. Most importantly I love the people I work with! We have built a strong team. Each day is truly a challenge as things are constantly changing. However, I'm grateful my position really keeps me on my toes and forces me to trouble shoot every situation. Flexibility and hard work is the key.
* That is all I have for now as I need to hit the hay, as I'm getting up early to head back to Bootcamp!
* Please enjoy some photos from a recent hike and a relaxing Ladies weekend trip to Mexico on the beach!

Tomorrow is MONDAY!

Well, my two weeks off are coming to a close. I start my new job tomorrow! I'm really looking forward to the new challenges that await me. 

The last few days I've been a bit irritable. H has politely let me know that my behavior has not been quite acceptable. I thanked him for letting me know politely. I have also noticed the feeling of being irritable towards whatever walks in my path. I'm aware of my behavior; however, not sure what is triggering it the last couple of days. I suppose it could be the pain I've been experiencing in my neck and back. I do know, I don't deal with physical pain well.  Perhaps it is a bit of nerves starting a new job. I'm not looking for excuses, just trying to figure out what is triggering this obnoxious way I'm feeling.

I came across the saying above that made me stop. I'm not completely sure what obstacle is standing in my path today, but I do know I need to move forward to step one that I am powerless over people, places, things, and the family disease of alcoholism.  When I can completely surrender, that is when those obstacles start to melt away and allow me to boldly walk through them. I have to keep taking steps forward in several parts of my life that are a still a bit rusty for me. For me, before I can continue to grow in my recovery, I have to continue to learn to apply my new way of living in all aspects of my life. There are still a few "areas" that I haven't completely handed over. Perhaps those are rising to the surface and I'm ready to deal with those pieces. Although, the sign of irritability might be me resisting a bit? More will be revealed.

My sponsor has been out of the country for just about four or five weeks on a life time opportunity! I'm really excited to see her again in a couple of weeks and hear about her adventures. I'm also really looking forward to hearing her voice and giving her a big hug. I miss her tremendously!

I don't seem to have a point to my rambling today. So I will close with the following quote:

"There are times when I have to hurt through a situation and when this happens, the choice is not whether to hurt or not to hurt, but what to do while I am hurting." ... In All Our Affairs

Everyday is Memorial Day

There have been many stories and remembrances shared today of friends and families that have served. I don't have any specific stories to share. However, I do have this to share. H was going to make the military his career, until he was injured and was forced to become a civilian again. My Dad also served in the military for a short time. I also have many dear friends that have served and are serving today. I'm grateful for each and everyone one of them. I'm also grateful and humbled by each and every person that serves in the name of our country. I feel everyday should be a day to remember those that have made sacrifices that are beyond my comprehension. I will always remember and honor those that have made the ultimate sacrifice with their life and those that physically survived, but made the sacrifice of their spiritual well being. That piece hits close to home, as I know H feels that pain and sorrow.

Several years ago I had the wonderful opportunity to visit Washington D.C. for work. I had a few days to myself and I walked many miles to see as many memorials and museums as I could. I even had the honor to visit the Arlington National Cemetery. I'm grateful for the chance to visit and honor those fallen soldiers. It was a humbling and emotional experience.

The Ultimate Sacrifice:
A Memorial Day Poem
We set aside Memorial Day
Each and every year
To honor those who gave their lives
Defending what we hold dear. In all the dark and deadly wars,
Their graves prove and remind us,
Our brave Americans gave their all
To put danger far behind us. They made the ultimate sacrifice
Fighting for the American way;
We admire them and respect them
On every Memorial Day.
By Joanna Fuchs

 

Imagine that, I Survived!

I did what I said I would do. I called my doctor's office and they called in a prescription to help calm my nerves for the MRI. There was some confusion with the pharmacy and they didn't receive it the first time it was called in. After a few more phone calls, it was straightened out. Patience is become a good friend of mine. Next, I rescheduled the MRI, which was last night. Thankfully my parents were available to drive me to the appointment after work. They were a few minutes late picking me up and my anxiety level was about to explode! However, I was proud of myself that I was able to go into problem solve mode instead of letting that anxiety disable me completely. I came up with a plan to get myself to the appointment and prepared to leave notes to have my parents meet me there to bring me home. Due to the medicine, I would not be able to drive home. Luckily they showed up just as I was finalizing my plan B.

The medicine calmed my nerves just enough to allow me to make it through the 20 minute scan. Yup, I made it through the MRI just fine. The entire time I keep my eyes closed and I envisioned grooming my friend's horse, Blackjack. I find doing all the ground work, grooming and tacking a horse, to be quite soothing, so it was perfect to run through each detail of each step in my head to make it through the scan. The Higher Power, of my understanding, works through those magnificent animals.

It was a good remind to me, that I didn't have to take on this fear alone. I'm grateful for the  wonderful support from my family, friends, and my Higher Power. As the quote suggests below, I need to teach myself to be receptive to the help around me, from those loving family, friends, and H.P.

"Step Three suggests I teach myself, from this moment on, to be receptive, to open myself to help from my Higher Power." from Al-Anon's Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions

Beautiful blossoms on a cactus that I get to see during  my commute to work.