Reminiscing

Wow, almost a month has flown by since I wrote my last share. March was a wonderful month. Work was crazy busy. I exercised like a beast. Won the member of the month at the gym for putting in the time and hard work. House sat a few times. Had ever second before, lunch, and after work planned with friends and family. I have realized that my calendar has been quite busy. I did ask myself the other day, what are you avoiding? That was an old habit of mine, when things got difficult at home, I got busy. Filled every second of the day with a task and scheduling to meet up with friends and family. It was my way of "hiding" or avoiding what I didn't want to face.

Fast forwarding to today. All the plans I made for the weekend, fell through and left me with an open calendar. I will be honest late this afternoon I panicked a little! What am I going to do!? Then I took a deep breath and realized, maybe this was a sign that I needed some down time to myself. So what did I do, I started tackling chores around the house that I have been neglected. Ahhh, still avoiding.

So I am taking a moment to reflect and simply exist with myself for a while.

Last week we had an amazing meeting. The chairperson typed up some "today's reminder" quotes from CtoC. It was a new fresh idea for a topic for the meeting. There were so many to choose from, it was hard to pick just one to share about. Naturally, because I thrive on no musts, I picked several to pull from for where I was at that evening.

"Today, when faced with choices, I will opt for the path that enhances my self-esteem." pg 118
Coming to the realization that I have choices, that was a huge light bulb that went on for me. Once I realized I had those choices, it took me a bit longer to find courage to take action that was in the best interest for me and my self-esteem. That didn't happen at first, because I lacked self-esteem, so I really had to work on that next so I could put this reminder to work in my daily life.

"Faith takes practice. I will include my Higher Power in more of my actions and decisions today." pg 59
This one really stood out to me. Six years ago I was lost, hurt, angry, and extremely broken in so many ways, I didn't have a higher power or faith. I simply reacted to those around me and the toxic situations I placed myself into. As I worked the first three steps, I keep hearing I needed to find a Higher Power of my understanding and build a relationship so I could have faith. It took time, in fact years for me to connect with a Higher Power that worked for me. My HP, works for me, I don't fit into a mold or a religious label. That brings peace and serenity to my soul, knowing I can have a Higher Power of my own, that's doesn't have to have a label. Once I made that connection with my HP, I slowly started to learn how to hand things over, and not take them back. I did that a lot, or just hand over the easy pieces, because I knew I had to take care of the difficult items. Boy, I had a lot to learn. Luckily, there was no time frame I had to fit into. I found my faith and it now flows deep. The reminder is correct, it takes practice, everyday. I know the connection with my HP and the courage I collected, is the only reason I was able to make the difficult decision I did last year to end my marriage. To let go of everything I ever knew, even though it was all bleeding me dry. My faith and courage have helped me take my life back. Allowing me to enjoy the beauty around me. Given me the opportunity to surround myself with people that support and accept me for who I am, even as I change. Having that faith and courage, also help me in every action and decision, small or large that I have to make. As simple as letting a car merge in front of me, to decided if I am going to take on a new part time job. I have to invite my Higher Power along for every decision, because time and time again has proven, I mess it up every time I embark out on my own.

I have been working hard to place myself outside my comfort zone every chance I can get. That is SOOOO difficult and I don't like it one bit. However, I am rewarded almost every time I push myself. It is worth the uncomfortableness even if the situation goes well or doesn't, I am making the choice to participate in my life. I sat on the sidelines for so many years, it's difficult and have to remind myself I am in the driver seat now. I am creating my happiness, my courage, my faith, my self-love to help me take each step in the right direction.

My perspective is very different today, than it was six years ago. It is filled with optimism, determination, kindness, eagerness, laughter, courage, and hope. Because my past is a part of me, my old perspective will always try to sneak in when I have my guard down, such as being hungry, angry, lonely or tired. My old fears try to put shackles on me and clogged my mind with the disease of attitude! When I am sinking into those old thinking habits, I have to be gentle with myself and call a friend to help pull me out of that muck.

"Wonderful things can happen today because I welcome the thrill of participating in my own life." pg 70

Today was a holiday at work, so I was able to indulge and sleep in! Then I went and worked out with the amazing group of ladies at the gym at a time I never get to go since I am normally working. Next, went to lunch and a movie with my parents. Finally, spent a little time with an old friend, who was my freshman High School English teacher many moons ago. He has always been an inspiration to me. It was wonderful catching up with him. It is hard to believe several decades have passed since I was in his class! My goal everyday is not to waste another minute of this precious and amazing life! Another blog I follow said it perfectly today, "Laugh at the confusion, live consciously in the moment, and enjoy your life as it unfolds. You might not end up exactly where you intended to go, but you will eventually arrive precisely where you need to be."

Don't Romanticize Life

I had an amazing weekend! A bunch of the amazing gals I workout with at the gym, we all signed up for one of the local 5K mud runs. What a blast!! Getting a great workout, getting dirty, and hanging out with great friends! I also got to spend sometime with a friend, who I am still trying to figure out what will come of it. That preciously is probably my obstacle, STOP trying to figure it out and just enjoy. I keep telling myself that, and all is well. Until I start thinking again. I will keep practicing and reminding myself to not push the river, all will work out exactly the way it is supposed too, whether that is how I envisioned it or not! **smile**

In addition to all that, I also got to meet up with a couple of friends that mean a lot to me, but just don't get to see these amazing ladies very often. I made it a point to carve sometime out to catch up with these ladies. Always filled my soul with gratitude to truly spend quality time with friends that mean the world to me.

Tonight, I couldn't make my normal weight lifting training, but that didn't stop me from still having an awesome, cardio, fat burning workout tonight! The weather outside could not have been more perfect! I am beyond grateful for living in my state.

I was about to head off to bed, but noticed one of my favorite bloggers posted a list of items I should be able to say about my life. This blogger focuses on life lessons and usually puts the thoughts and concepts into lists. So I naturally levitate towards those posts, because I love my lists!! One of the items on the recent post, REALLY hit home with me.

Here is the exact quote:
"I don’t need anyone else to complete me. – There’s far more to life than finding someone who will want you, or getting upset over someone who won’t.  There’s a lot of important time to be spent discovering yourself without begging someone to fall in love with you along the way… and this journey doesn’t need to be empty or painful.  YOU need to fill yourself up with love – self-love – first.  Become a whole being on your own.  Go on adventures, explore your passions, wander around the city and see new sights, sit in coffee shops and read, write on bathroom stalls, leave notes in library books, dress up for yourself, give to others who can’t pay you back, smile and have fun.  Do all things with love, but don’t romanticize life like you can’t survive without someone giving it to you every second.  You can.  And once you give it to yourself, you will feel healed, and you will ultimately open yourself up to the possibility of healthy relationships with others."

I love this. "...Don't romanticize life..." I have realized through my recovery and discovery, I struggle with this a lot. In the past I would dive right into a romanticized fantasy of how my marriage should have been. Guess what, I was disappointed every damn time, year after year. I have to be realistic. It has to begin with me. I have to fill myself with love, respect, kindness, support, and adventure! I also have to be realistic about who I am. I am a passionate, caring, and sentimental person. Yes I can have fun, joke, and participate in shenanigans. In fact, that is how my family functions, and I love ever bit of it. In fact, many of my friends function in that manner. I assume I attract that type of person, because of the love I have for my family. I am ok with that. But on the flip side, I also have to recognize, and be proud, that a big part of me is also nurturing, loving, caring, sentimental, believing in the good, and loving with all my heart. Finding a balance of both entities, and finding others that will accept and help me nuture both sides of the coin, that is the path I walk today. Let the journey of practicing that balance continue! Not sure I completely expressed my inner thoughts on this topic, but will pray about it and share more later as it is revealed. There are more layers to discover. I am grateful for today and life is truly amazing!

Miracles of Willingness, Determination, & Hope

I have shared a little that I have been on a journey to become healthier, physically. This week I reached a new goal!

I don’t know about you all, but I have always struggled with my self-image. I never really saw the real “me” in the mirror. The view of myself was a twisted distorted image that my mind created, and it hasn't always been pretty or kind. I woke up this past week with a smile and when I looked in the mirror, I saw a real new me. It brings tears to my eyes as I type this… For years I allowed others to beat me down, which in turn I beat myself down every chance I could get. I had low self-esteem and was a chameleon to whoever I was with. It is a struggle to break that type of pattern, to break free to be my own person. If you have been following my blog, you know my general story, so I won’t go into all that. However, I am living proof that with just a little willingness, determination, and hope, I can reach new places and ways of living that I never thought imaginable.

I am beyond proud of the hard work I have put into rebuilding my character, my spirit, and my body!!

It has been a long road; I had to first start with my character and spirit, which has been a 6 year journey. (And I am not done yet; I still have some work to do... It's the journey not a destination!) Once I started healing the inside, then I could start working on the outside, which I have also been working on about that same time frame, but really buckled down the last 5 months.

I weighted and measured this last week as I wrapped up my second 30 day challenge with Isagenix and working out with my local Iron Girlz gym! My amazing results… **drum roll** I am down an additional 11.2 lbs and 8 inches!!! I am PUMPED!!!  My goal was to lose 10 lbs and 10 inches in my second challenge. I would have to say that is pretty damn close to my goal and I am proud of my achievement.

So the overall count since I really buckled down and started this journey in September 2014, I am down a total of 28.2 lbs and 36.75 inches. I could not have accomplished this by myself, I have an amazing support group of friends and family that I am forever grateful too!


**If you are interested in more information about Isagenix and/or Iron Girlz and what each has done for me, message me and I can share more with you. Thank you!

Purging

This last week was filled to the brim with purging toxins, both emotional and physical! Life has a tendency to sneak up on me and the clutter on my desk, in my head, and in my body gets overwhelming and drags me down. Therefore, I have been taking action this month to clean up all of those areas. Naturally in Simply Me style, I have to do ALL at once and right now. With this consistent approach I try to take, it has a tendency to overwhelm me and knock me down a little. That's ok, I can handle it. I just have been working to balance all of my goals, while remembering to breath and be gentle with myself.

I started Monday, 6 days ago, another round of the Isagenix 30 day system to help me reach my final goal in both inches and weight loss!! I am super pumped and excited to see the results. I did sneak in a jump on the scale this morning, ssqqquuuueeezzzzeeee!!! I am beyond excited that I am seeing results already. I am headed in the right direction. To be honest, the last round of this I did back in September/October of last year, the first 6 days were the roughest and I felt like shit. With good reason, I had horrible toxins from the crappy food I was eating! I hung in there and day 7 I woke up a new person. It was amazing! This time around has not been as bad, because I have made the life change to eat and be healthier. However, I will continue to be honest, I have splurged more than maybe I should have on goodies. It was a lot of fun! However, this week I am hurting from all the fun and it has been a little rough. I am praying tomorrow is similar to my last round. Hoping my expectations don't get me down. We shall see what is revealed tomorrow.

As I shared in my blog earlier this week, it was sort of a milestone I wondered how I would handle. Milestones of all types have always appealed to me. It helps me set goals and track my progress. It also helps me remember certain events and things better to have those milestones. I handled this past milestone quite well I feel. Although, on the 15th late afternoon, I was feeling tired and was on my first "cleanse" day the Isagenix, so I know my body was more susceptible to my emotions running away with me. And that is exactly what they did, they sneaked up on me and BAM! it was like a truck hit me and the tears started flowing. I was so confused, as I was at work. Luckily I could shut my office door and give myself a minute. I am still sorting through those emotions that must of came up from a new layer of healing. The tears showed me that I am ready for more healing and letting myself grieve for what will never be. I have accepted and let go to the core of my heart and soul of my relationship with H. I am proud of that, but I also have to be honest that there is still sadness there and for heaven sake the first milestone after a whirl wind of a ending of a chapter. This week was also a milestone of exactly 6 months since I made the decision to change my life and let H go. That made me pause, and take a deep breath. I am proud of the courage, grace, and integrity I have displayed through this entire time. I am grateful for my Higher Power and my amazing fellowship of family and friends that have helped support me through this journey.

Finally, the other huge purging I have tackled this week was to clean out my email inbox. Well one of them at least. I have four different emails. Anyhow, one issue at a time. **smile** This email I have had for about 9 years or so? Well, needless to say I have a hard time deleting emails. I was feeling I needed to push myself outside my comfort zone and purge some old emails. For the most part, it was surprisingly easy, I haven't read these messages in years! However, there were moments when I would see certain threads from people, I did pause to read. This dug up some old feelings an old friend that I have not completely forgiven for past unacceptable behavior, in my opinion. I have done some footwork on reaching for the forgiveness and to heal my wounds, as they run deep. In fact, deeper than the wounds from H. Therefore, I knew it would take time to reach that level of forgiveness for myself and this friend. I am no where near done with that journey. However, I am glad those emails where still there towards the end of when we cut each other off from our lives. The tears I shed I know are part of me getting closer to that forgiveness and healing. That fills me with pride that I am moving in the right direction. Today I can pray for this old friend, and wish the best for her. I truly feel that. I still have to work through the layers of the past. In due time and in my HP's time, not mine. So I keep those email threads and will come across them again when I am ready.

So there you have it, purging of physical toxins, emotional toxins, and email toxins! Wow, what a week. It was tough and physically and mentally felt ill at moments. But I pulled through and survived, because I used my tools and reached out to my amazing fellowship to help grab me from falling off the cliff.

Visit From Grandpa

Today after work I had my "walk to class" virtual style! Yup, one of my counselors walked me through the online portal for my first class. All I have to say is, Wow! I see and live everyday how far technology has come, but now I see even more through online classes. Again, Wow!! Now that I've seen the online portion, I'm sort of getting excited. I'm slowly but with resistance working to shift my perspective on this whole school business. I'll keep you posted.

So I had a dream last night. Which to me means I must of had a partial good night sleep. I've been really tired and having restless nights. Several factors involved. Anyhow, back to the dream. I didn't have time to journal this morning, so now later in the day I don't remember all the details of the dream. The gist of the dream. I was living in a gigantic two story house. The home was beautifully designed and engineered. Many staircases, both visible and hidden. Then something happen, not good. Either someone was after my family and me or someone broke in or some weather disaster. I don't' remember. What I do remember, is my Grandpa was there to help. I distinctively remember seeing him from head to toe. He wasn't wearing his usually ball cap, so his shiny bald forehead and top of his head were visible cradled by his soft gray/white hair that were neatly cut around his ear. Between those ears was his goofy grin accented with his pink rosy cheeks. He was wearing one of his button down shirts that Grandma had made him along with his plaid long shorts that, Grandma probably also made. He had his white socks pulled all the way up half way up his calves with his black type dress shoes. At first he was more of a "flash" in my dream, then he was more "present" in each part of the dream in the house. He had a comforting affect in my dream when there was chaos going on. I wonder if that was why I forgot whatever horrible was happening? I miss that comforting affect that Grandpa always had when he entered a room. Sort of like when you completely trust someone and you know all will be ok when they are around wrapped in a big bear hug of love. Yup, that's what it felt like. I know I've talked about it before, but I do believe in spirits or whatever label you want to give them. I also believe the spirits of ones I love can and will visit after their deaths. I love you Grandpa.

I found the photo below among the many I've scanned to digital of Grandpa tilling his garden. Look, he is wearing the plaid shorts!! :0)

Today was a good step in the direction of doing and not piling. My new motto. I started a plan of eating healthy. My goal is to lose 8 to 10 pounds this month. Then after that, tweak the menu to continue the next 30 days to lose another 10 pounds. I'm hoping to get some more rest this week so I can start adding in my exercise routine on a regular bases. Baby steps.

I loved the reading from CtoC today. "When the student is ready, the teach appears.' say the Zen Buddists." I love that. It comes back to me, when I'm ready to learn something or ready to take on something either new or old/recycled, it will happen when I'm ready and not a second before that. I haven't quite figured out how to get from that point A to point B, but I know it happens and if I have patience I will find the willingness to begin doing and stop piling.

"Today's Reminder: There is no magic wand that can make others ready for Al-Anon. And it is presumptuous to assume that I have a better idea of their true path than they do. Let me help those who want help. When my life improves as a result of working the program myself, I do more to carry the message than I ever could by forcing it on others."

Beautiful and full of truth. May you rest well tonight my Bloggerville friends!     

Developing from the Negatives

I was up bright and early this morning for Bootcamp! I keep believing each day I can do this, just one day at a time. One of the motivating website I follow posted this picture yesterday. Although, when I uploaded the photo it cut some of it off. The bottom says, "And if things don't turn out, just take another shoot!" I love this!

I only have a few minutes to share today, so I'd like to share with you my Power Thought card for the day. Again, random draw out of the pile revealed the following:

"I am in the process of positive change. I am unfolding in fulfilling ways. Only good can come to me. I now express health, happiness, prosperity, and peace of mind."

Good food for thought today. Have a wonderful day my friends!