Trust...

Wow, what a week. I don't even know where to begin.

I guess I'll start with that I discovered I must be at a new layer of healing. The topic of the meeting yesterday was trust. I sobbed the entire hour of the meeting. Interesting enough, I was sitting in the same spot and same chair I did the night I walked into those rooms. The tears just rolled down my cheeks. I haven't done that in a long time... It was very healing and I'm grateful to be smiling and laughing by the end of the meeting. I knew it had been a stressful week and I was stuffing it so I didn't have to deal with it at that moment. Plus I missed the meeting last week. So it was three strikes for me with those two already under my belt and then the topic of trust along with all the powerful shares. Wow. I hit my knees pretty quickly.

I kind of remember touching on trust in my step 4 work, but it was just scratching the surface. I think I might be ready to lift the lid and peak inside to see what this next phase of healing has in store for me. **deep breath**

I have always been overly trusting of others. I believed people when they said something or said they would do something. Why wouldn't someone be honest and truthful? I also trusted others with my feelings, my heart, my happiness, my [blank]. Whatever you wanted to insert, I gave that power to someone else. Very freely and easily. I had (have) a lot to learn. No wonder I found myself down a sad, angry, fearful and lonely road when I finally learned how to open my eyes! Nobody can help me with those things, I had to take ownership. Pick myself up, dust off my clothes, stand up straight, and take a deep breath. Then start taking one step in front of the other to find myself and my serenity. Also to realize I need to bloom where I was planted. Although when that awareness surfaced, I didn't like where I was at in my life. But I accepted it was what I had at the time. While also continue to better myself, so I could keep moving down that road to see what life had to offer. Anyhow, I'm off track.

I'm still very trusting. I feel that is one of my strengths. I can see the positive and potential in others, when maybe they can't see it in themselves. Perhaps that's why my marriage lasted so long... But today I can provide others the opportunity to be truthful and authentic with me. However, I don't just hand over my serenity, happiness, and heart to anyone anymore. I can be open, kind, and loving with others, but also have healthy boundaries. I silently say a prayer I can find that same compassion and openness when I start to date again. Being authentic and vulnerable is terrifying, but I know it's the only way.

Someone I know, shared a short article recently and this person shares a lot of relationship type articles. I enjoy them. But it is odd to read what this person shares, but also hear the stories of how this person really treats others in relationships. Let's just say the messages are conflicting. I guess you never really know who people are and should never judge by what others say about someone. Anyhow, I digress again. So this article was simple, but spoke to me. I have given myself another month before I try to start dabbling in the dating scene. Why a month? Well, I'm suppose to be studying right now for my exam that is exactly one month from today!!! EEK! Basically, I'm learning a new language. So I'm struggling a little. However, with that said, I have amazing support from my Mom, who is my study drill Sargent and helping me stay on track. Otherwise, I'll find something else to do and procrastinate until it's to late. **sigh** I know I'm not being a very good student. SEE that is a perfect example of my brain being ALL over the place! It makes me laugh thinking I must look like that dog on the UP movie, "SQUIRREL!"

Back to this article. Here is a quote from it, "We experience a lack of communication, attention, passion, intimacy and even lack of love. Why are we okay with this and all the communication shortcuts that have become so common?  This type of cheating causes much more damage then that of any sexual affair. You've given your heart to someone and love him or her with every bone in your body, but you have to beg for his or her attention."

That hit pretty close to home. It was very similar to the topic last night as well. Thinking back I can remember conversations with H and him asking, "What? you don't trust me?" That was difficult, because part of me absolutely did NOT trust him, but then another part trusted my life with him. I can remember standing there so confused on the inside and not knowing what to say. That confusion and mixed signals from myself, was the theme of our entire relationship. I felt trapped in the middle. Interesting, I've never described or thought of it like that before.  But so true. Makes one stop and say, "Uh? That doesn't make any sense." Exactly. So as I think back on situations and things that occurred. I am realizing more and more that dis-trust runs deep in my heart and soul. That brings tears to my eyes. I don't want to feel that way. So it is time to put the hard work in and do my footwork to release more of that pain and old thoughts and potential behaviors that could surface if I don't address.  I owe it to myself to heal those deep wounds, so I can be completely available when the right person shows up in my life. I want to be ready!

The article ends with, "Make an effort. Old-fashioned love needs to make another round. The days of holding hands, opening the car door, taking her out "just because", sending her flowers just to get a smile and leaving her notes on her car should never be gone.  We have to be children when it comes to love. We have to be vulnerable and free. That can't happen when we're preoccupied with the details of everyone else's lives.  Focus on each other. When it's all said and done, that's all you really have. Appreciate her, and show her how much she means to you. But, most importantly, put your phone down, and dial into what 's in front of you."

Attention, passion, intimacy.... I need that in my life. I crave ALL varieties (meaning emotionally, spiritually, and physically) of each of those down to my bones and through my veins. The "old fashion" love and actions above make me giddy just thinking about experiencing those. Not many people know that about me, because I have suppressed it for years because it was never well received by those I choose to have in my life. In fact, I'm still learning a lot about myself, because I never gave myself the chance to explore those types of things. I tended to be drawn to others that were not emotionally, spiritually, or physically available. That is sad and heart breaking I wasn't able to be me. Or more honestly I chose not to be me to appease other people or not rock the boat. So I say a little prayer in this next chapter of my life, I will allow myself to be my own character and shine the way I was meant to shine.

Something else I noticed about coming to these new realizations this week. When I come to these new layers of the artichoke, I usually am in a stressful situation and my confidence is wavering. There were a couple small non significant situations that happened this week and they weren't even negative situations!! But with my confidence and self-worth lower than usual this week, a handful of my old behaviors popped up. It was the most bizarre feeling to go through those moments, almost like going in the past, of worrying about what others were going to think and the end result had to be perfect so I minimized the chance of being judged! Wow, really? I still have my moments of illusion I think I have any control over other people. Pure insanity. I have to keep working to minimize that broken record in my head from playing, but someone tripped and cranked the volume up to the point I couldn't NOT listen to it! Thank goodness for my meetings, I am feeling better today and got the volume turned down so I can get back on a positive track.

Keeping it simple today. This to shall pass. Trusting the possibility of growth. 

Doing the Right Thing

Doing the right thing, is not always easy, but is always the way to go.

This week has been stacked with decisions I have had to make that I didn't necessarily want to make, but knew it was the right thing to do. In the past I never took into consideration what I wanted or what was important to me. I never weighted my options. Instead I instantly reacted and went on the defensive. I'm grateful to have the option to let others know I need to think about it and I will get back to you. Then weight the pros and cons of the decision. I'll be honest there are times I want to be completely selfish and swing the decision in my favor. Who wouldn't?! But that is not always the right decision.

One of the decision this week was discussing time off during the holidays. I like to get this squared away early so we can start planning and making sure everyone is trained. Now I know a lot can change between now and December, but there are some people that need to make flights and other arrangements, etc. Plus talking about PTO (personal time off) is one of my favorite topics! Traveling big or small trips instantly makes me smile and giddy! So the requests come flying in, per my request. It came down to giving my team the time off or me. I covered for my entire team last Christmas so everyone could have the time off. We were even down a team member at that time. With everyone's situation, it was the right thing to do and I could do it. I was hoping to take an extended time off this year, since I worked last year. However, after reviewing the requests I received and looking at the bigger picture, including my trips and time I had scheduled other parts of the year. It was the right thing to do to give my team the time off. They work hard and deserve the extended break. They each mean a lot to me and I appreciate the hard work they put into everyday. So there you have it, sacrifices of being a supervisor. Although I am a little bummed about working the holiday again, I feel awesome knowing I did the right thing for my team.

The second decision this week was a lot easier to make. I received a request for another chance from H to prove he wanted me. It still tugs at my heart strings. The dangling carrot was a tool H used for years, either subconsciously or not, I don't know, but H was the master at manipulating me. Today, I see right through it. I responded with a kind and honest, but firm and packed with boundaries response that was clear. To be fair and to believe the message I received, I will pray for H and hope he is truly on the path he says he is on. However, I reinforced, I will never be a part of the path, ever again. I don't want to and never will. Looking back at this past year, and seeing and feeling the happiness, serenity, forgiveness, and simple pure joy of life!!! I don't believe I have ever felt this much gratitude all the way to my bones and flowing through my veins everyday!! I trapped myself in a toxic situation for far to long that wasn't helping either of us. I'm grateful for the courage to break that mold and start a healthier cycle of life. For both of us. Separately. I just have to take a deep breath and hand him over to his higher power, who I know will help him walk the path he is suppose to walk. Then I can let go, completely detach. Then I can focus on my well being, make that connection with my own higher power. Then smile, because I know I am finally doing my footwork, keeping my side of the street clean, doing things for the right reasons for the right people, including myself. Life is good. I know I'm not perfect and stumble and trip over my words often, but I am trying my hardest to be the best me I can be. That's all I ask of myself.

Be kind to yourself. Always do the right thing, whether others are watching or not. You will be more fulfilled and filled with gratitude at the end of each day. One day at a time. 

Breathing in Gratitude

Today, I'm filled with gratitude! Looking back on the last five or six or so years, the meaning of gratitude or being grateful for what I had, was a foreign concept for me. I'd wallow in my self-pity, low self-esteem, while judging others, and the icing on the cake, was a queen martyr! I'm not proud of those things, but that was where I was at in my life. All of that negativity was a reflection of choices I had made over the years and certain people I choose to surround myself with. Although negative and not ideal, I know I had to walk that gravel and pot holed road to get to where I am today. So although I wasn't grateful then, I am today for that time. Although cliché, it has made me stronger in all aspects of my life, including my physical, emotional, and spiritual being!

Today things aren't perfect. I still have put more on my plate than I probably should. I still have some of the same chaos in my life today. The difference in today versus even just last year, I am making different choices and aware of my reactions in every aspect of my life. That includes my thoughts of myself and others, those thoughts are more positive and kind today. Replacing the harsh and cruelty I had for me and others. Also making the conscious effort to make different choices in my eating and exercise habits. Along with choosing to work on my spiritual health in a way that works for me. All those things combined and constantly working towards a balance, that has been pivotal for me. I'm by no means perfect in any of those areas. I ALWAYS have room for improvement! Luckily, I am getting better at identifying the diamonds hidden in my problems. But I have the awareness and strive in each moment of the day to continue to improve. That's all I can do and that's ok.

The other habit that has truly helped me grow was to make seven small promises to myself.  I read the quick notes taped to my mirror. Now I don't usually remember them all after I make the promise, but I have planted the seed each day. Eventually that seed will germinate and start to steadily grow. What is my little list I read every morning?

1.      I will listen to my body and mind when feeling stressed.

2.      I will smile every day.

3.      I will live a life of positive expansion.

4.      I will leave the past behind, but always take the lesson.

5.      I will always live the life I want to live.

6.      I will remember that relationships are seasonal.  

7.      I will accept when changes are needed in my life.

Bonus: Don’t compare myself with others; it is the death of my happiness.

I take the time for gratitude today and it helps me perceive my world and the sometimes dark world around me in a different light. That little dose of gratitude helps create a more positive and hopeful light as I take one step and one day at a time.

Don't Romanticize Life

I had an amazing weekend! A bunch of the amazing gals I workout with at the gym, we all signed up for one of the local 5K mud runs. What a blast!! Getting a great workout, getting dirty, and hanging out with great friends! I also got to spend sometime with a friend, who I am still trying to figure out what will come of it. That preciously is probably my obstacle, STOP trying to figure it out and just enjoy. I keep telling myself that, and all is well. Until I start thinking again. I will keep practicing and reminding myself to not push the river, all will work out exactly the way it is supposed too, whether that is how I envisioned it or not! **smile**

In addition to all that, I also got to meet up with a couple of friends that mean a lot to me, but just don't get to see these amazing ladies very often. I made it a point to carve sometime out to catch up with these ladies. Always filled my soul with gratitude to truly spend quality time with friends that mean the world to me.

Tonight, I couldn't make my normal weight lifting training, but that didn't stop me from still having an awesome, cardio, fat burning workout tonight! The weather outside could not have been more perfect! I am beyond grateful for living in my state.

I was about to head off to bed, but noticed one of my favorite bloggers posted a list of items I should be able to say about my life. This blogger focuses on life lessons and usually puts the thoughts and concepts into lists. So I naturally levitate towards those posts, because I love my lists!! One of the items on the recent post, REALLY hit home with me.

Here is the exact quote:
"I don’t need anyone else to complete me. – There’s far more to life than finding someone who will want you, or getting upset over someone who won’t.  There’s a lot of important time to be spent discovering yourself without begging someone to fall in love with you along the way… and this journey doesn’t need to be empty or painful.  YOU need to fill yourself up with love – self-love – first.  Become a whole being on your own.  Go on adventures, explore your passions, wander around the city and see new sights, sit in coffee shops and read, write on bathroom stalls, leave notes in library books, dress up for yourself, give to others who can’t pay you back, smile and have fun.  Do all things with love, but don’t romanticize life like you can’t survive without someone giving it to you every second.  You can.  And once you give it to yourself, you will feel healed, and you will ultimately open yourself up to the possibility of healthy relationships with others."

I love this. "...Don't romanticize life..." I have realized through my recovery and discovery, I struggle with this a lot. In the past I would dive right into a romanticized fantasy of how my marriage should have been. Guess what, I was disappointed every damn time, year after year. I have to be realistic. It has to begin with me. I have to fill myself with love, respect, kindness, support, and adventure! I also have to be realistic about who I am. I am a passionate, caring, and sentimental person. Yes I can have fun, joke, and participate in shenanigans. In fact, that is how my family functions, and I love ever bit of it. In fact, many of my friends function in that manner. I assume I attract that type of person, because of the love I have for my family. I am ok with that. But on the flip side, I also have to recognize, and be proud, that a big part of me is also nurturing, loving, caring, sentimental, believing in the good, and loving with all my heart. Finding a balance of both entities, and finding others that will accept and help me nuture both sides of the coin, that is the path I walk today. Let the journey of practicing that balance continue! Not sure I completely expressed my inner thoughts on this topic, but will pray about it and share more later as it is revealed. There are more layers to discover. I am grateful for today and life is truly amazing!

Iceberg of Pain

“It's easy to look at people and make quick judgments about them, their present and their past, but you'd be amazed at the pain and tears a single smile hides. What a person shows to the world is only one tiny facet of the iceberg hidden from sight. And more often than not, it's lined with cracks and scars that go all the way to the foundation of their soul.”
― Sherrilyn Kenyon

This quote really struck a chord with me today. In the past, I was quick to judge others. It pains me today to admit that, but it is true. I had low self-esteem and zero self-worth, which allowed me, at the time, to justify lashing out at others through judgment. I also have been on the other end of that quick judgment. It hurts, and crushed my soul. The only reason it hurt and crushed my soul, I go back to I had low self-esteem and zero self-worth. I gave others the power to dictate my thoughts and feelings. At the time, I had no idea the power I was giving others. Also I did not realize the damage I was doing in return mirroring that behavior.

“…pain and tears a single smile hides.” I can feel to the bottom of my heart that pain and tears behind the mask I use to hide behind. It finally got to the point; the mask I wore couldn’t conceal the anger, sadness, fear, and frustration I experienced inside.

“What a person shows to the world is only one tiny facet of the iceberg hidden from sight. And more often than not, it’s lined with cracks and scars that go all the way to the foundation of their soul.”  I can remember in 2008, I felt like a gigantic iceberg that hit another iceberg in the middle of nowhere.  A huge part of me crumbled and sank to the bottom of the ocean. I felt like I was drowning from years of trying to live a fantasy life of controlling others, which left many cracks and scars throughout me. Despite the feeling of my world crashing down around me, I know those scars are what make me stronger today. They helped me reach a point that I had to realize I needed to find help and make a change. I didn’t know what that change looked like, but I knew I had to reach deep within myself and build my faith, before I could start to heal and start to live life again. I don’t ever want to forget that pain and hurt of my past. It helps me remember that today I won’t let that pain and hurt run my life. I am taking the power back and connecting with my higher power to help me find the strength and courage to not jump to quick judgment of others. 

 I have made layer after layer of amends over the past few years to myself and others through this journey. Today, I can honestly say I love myself down to the foundation of my heart and soul. I am proud of who I am today. I am not perfect by any means, but I try and share my heart completely with others. Having the freedom to not judge others and replace it with compassion and also, know when I need to detach. To me, that is part of complete freedom. Understanding that when I lean towards judging someone, perhaps I see an old behavior in that person I don’t like about myself. Once I have that awareness, it can give me a chance to take a step back, and then use it as an opportunity to grow. I am beyond grateful for One Day at a Time, so I can continue to walk this journey of discovery, recovery, love, and spirituality. I will be the change.

Self talk

I am currently taking a communication class for a few weeks. It's about communicating with compassion and nonviolence. I have read the preface and the first page of chapter one... And already blown away by this author's words. Thought provoking and hitting home. 

"I became aware that by ignoring my own needs for such a long time I was inflicting violence upon myself, and I intended to deflect that violence toward others." Thomas D'Ansembourg from Being Genuine

I look forward to this continued journey of self improvement and learning how to find a way to communicate nonviolently with myself and others.  I do have needs. But I need to figure out what those needs are, and then I can communicate those needs to others. Next be able to compromise with others for a mutual acceptance that works for all parties.

Love

“The heart that’s meant to love you will fight for you when you want to give up, pick you up when you’re feeling down, and will give their smile when it’s hard for you to find yours. They will never get strength from seeing you weak, power from seeing you hurt, or joy from seeing you cry. The heart that’s meant to love you wants to see the BEST YOU, not the hurt you!
Never forget this.” 
~Trent Shelton

I found this quote very powerful. For years I lived and was modeled by a relationship that love revolved around anger, putting each other down, soaked with blame and guilt, never taking an interest in the other person or their interests, and never truly helping elevate the other person to bigger and better things! How I fell into that horrid trap, will continue to baffle me. More will be revealed through the continued healing.

What I have learned through my own paradigm shift and little miracles along the way, is the power of having self-love, self-worth, and happiness bottled up within myself. I say bottled, because I have to store it on a little shelf sometimes when I am feeling down or not worthy. I can visually grab some compassion and love off of the shelf to help me get through a tough day or situation. Reminding myself, this too shall pass. Another factor I am learning to have on the shelf is silliness. Being able to laugh at myself and the crazy chaos around me that life seems to stir up. No matter how shitty it gets, I am learning to simply smile and laugh. This has been working a lot better than reacting with anger or playing the victim mode to things I have no control over. With all of these tools on my shelf, it helps me formulate a plan of action, that I do have control over.

I am excited, and almost giddy, to get to try a new relationship that allows me to see that other heart fight for me when I am absolutely ready to give up or make me laugh when I am having a rough day. To share a smile with me, that warms me from the inside out because I know it is genuine and wants to see me happy. That warmth puts an instant smile on my face and in my heart. That heart doesn't feel threaten by my accomplishments today or my  dreams of tomorrow! In fact that other heart, gives me a boost and enouragement to jump to the top of the mountain and yell at the top of my lungs my joy and excitement for my goals and dreams. I can feel that relationship wants me to be my best. I am learning the only reason that other heart can do all those amazing things for my heart, is because that heart has it's own self-love, self-worth, and happiness within it's self without needing anyone else, including me.

I am enjoying the journey and loving life to the fullest! Never take a moment of this life or a single breath for granted! We are not promised tomorrow, or even the next hour. Live life to the fullest. I am grateful beyond words to have found peace, serenity, and forgiveness today so I can see the beauty of this world around me.

ALWAYS Be You.

Over the years, I have struggled with my self-esteem and being comfortable with who I am. As a child and then a teenager, I think I was trying to figure all of that out, as we all do. As I went into early adulthood and, I believe is the perfect opportunity, to really spread my wings to discover who I am and wanted to be. Instead, I jumped into the situation of being in love with an alcoholic. Not realizing that was what I was doing at the time. Also not realizing that I had also been affected by the effects of the family disease in my own family history! I quickly became a chameleon and lost myself completely. All odds were against me without any tools. So I jumped in feet first and trudged along in the mud for years. I realize and accept now, that was my journey and I don't regret a single moment. It wasn't easy, but it did make me stronger and helped me eventually get to the point where I was ready to know who I really was and wanted to be. I just took the extended route on my journey of self discovery.

As you have experienced with my sharing on this blog, I have made life altering changes in the last year or so, that has allowed me to take the power back. To nourish and build my self-esteem, my self-confidence, and to strengthen my self-image from within. By working through these struggles, it is helping me establish a stronger foundation so when the world around me shakes, I can weather the storm with more grace and confidence.

I came across a reading today that did not have an author, but would like to share, as it spoke to me and was a good reminder.

"Always be yourself. Never try to hide who you are. The only shame is to have shame. Always stand up for what you believe in. Always question what other people tell you. Never regret the past, it's a waste of time. There's a reason for everything. Every mistake, every moment of weakness, every terrible thing that has happened to you. Grow from it. The only way can ever get the respect of others is when you show them that you respect yourself and most importantly, do your thing and never apologize for being you." ~unknown

Apologizing. Wow, I apologized for everything and anything whether it was mine or not. It was more of a reaction, rather than a true apology. It really fell into the category of me wanting to please those around me. People Pleaser. Part of my own illness from the effects of the family disease of alcoholism. Today, I still have to work hard not to say, "I am sorry", for every little thing. Thankful for progress not perfection!

Take Flight

I love being happy. It's like a drug that I never want to put down. It was an extremely busy day at work, I allowed my entire team to be off these two weeks for the holiday. So I am holding the fort down. Wow, it is just a good reminder and refresher of what my team does day in and day out. Also, a reminder that this is not a one person's job like it was when I started. I need all three of my team members!! I can't wait until both of them are back next week. I also have a new third team member starting next Monday! We are very excited to have her joining the team. My ladies are rock-stars and our team would never be as successful as we are without them! I am very grateful for each of my ladies and all that they teach me.

I had a really good weekend. I am still glowing from it. I spent some quality time with dear friends that I haven't seen for a while and my family. I also had an opportunity to have some conversations on the phone with some special friends. Having the opportunity to build trusting and respectful relationships with people that make me happy is very important to me. I can feel myself shining from within when I get to hangout or just talk to one of these friends. I am very blessed.

I love this ornament a friend gave me. "Dear You, may you give yourself permission to trust your voice, step into your power, and know that what you're doing matters." Wow, stepping into my own power!!! I LOVE THAT! I feel like that is what I have been doing everyday for the last 7 months. Taking the power back and making each day beyond amazing! Life is golden. 

Beautiful things happen when we're unafraid to take flight and see the world from a whole new height!

Hope you find it

I follow several motivational blogs, emails, FB pages, etc to always keep a positive outlook and message in front of me. This always provides reminders at the right time exactly when I need it. This post really hit me today and I want to share word for word with you. 

"I hope that someday you find someone that gives you butterflies the moment you meet them. And that the first time you touch, it feels like electricity is running through your body. I hope that when you’re with them, you never want to leave. I hope you are the first and last thing they think about every day. I hope you play it cool in front of people, but can’t keep your hands off each other in private. I hope that when you give them your heart, they don’t break it. I hope that the things they tell you aren’t just things you want to hear, but things they want to say. I hope that you fit in their arms better than the last piece of a puzzle, and that you always feel safe when they hold you. I hope that when you fight, you fight hard, but that when you love, you love harder. I hope that once you find them, you can’t picture your life without them. I hope that they take your breath away. I hope that, together, you create happiness. I hope that with them, you’re not afraid of the future, but excited for it. I hope that, every day, they tell you how much they love you. I hope that when you find them, you realize it before it’s too late. I hope that you take them and love them and never let them go. I hope you find it.
~Lauren M. Smith"

Honestly, this brought tears to my eyes. I pray this person finds me. I know I will be ok with or without him, but I will be on top of the world with him and I deserve it. Words, and then action to support those words, mean the world to me. 

Transformation

I had a chance this weekend to slow down and pause. I don't allow myself to do that enough. Generally I am like a steam locomotive going full speed ahead with life!! Only, I do run out of fuel here and there, that forces me to stop. 

Last week I realized I was out of coal and was brought to my knees. I was in excruciating pain over the weekend with my tooth. Instead of calling my amazing dentist's emergency number I pushed through and went straight in on Monday morning. Not very smart as you don't want to mess with infections and teeth. Needless to say, that pain is an experience I never want to have again. I don't do pain well. The verdict, I need a root canal. I get the second half done, next week. They want to make sure the infection is gone before they finish.

Prior to that speed bump, I was going full steam ahead with new eating plan that I was seeing result! I have been so excited about it I want to scream from the roof tops! This is the year of crucial changes and shifting of my perspective to better my mind, body and spirit. One downfall of mine is I like instant results. I admit it, I try to be patient, but know this about myself. When I can see results, I am more driven and motivated to keep going in the right direction.

For the last five and half years, I have been bearing down and working on rebuilding my character and spirit. Which both were pretty broken and depleted. My footwork was (and still is) vital for my growth and recovery in both of these areas. It has been worth every tear, every rough patch, every little miracle, and everything in between to get to where I am today. Truly a blessing to be happy with me today. To fill I am a much better person today with an open mind and heart towards others, no matter who you are. I am enough. To feel my spirit is light and joyful today. I still have some work to do, but feeling pretty happy today.

Not only has working to better my character helped my spirit, but also my mind. The way I think and see the world around me. It has a much more positive spin today, both internally and externally. I truly do love to learn new things. In fact, I am usually very hungry to learn new things!! However, I am finding out about myself that is has to be something I am interested in and passionate about, or I just don't stick with it long or doesn't hold my interest. I know I need to continue to push myself outside my comfort zone when learning, but I feel every minute of my life is precious and I don't want to waste a second on anything that isn't for me. I am sure that says a lot about me, I still have a lot to learn. **smile**

Now for the body transformation. Back to screaming from the roof tops! Despite a few days of "life happening" and only eating saltine crackers, I am back on track. A dear friend of mine started a new eating plan and started seeing results quickly! I had some speculations and a lot of questions. After those were answered, I wanted what I saw! I am almost done with my first 30 days and I am feeling like a million dollars! I am losing the pounds, which I need to do. But more importantly I am losing the inches!!! One of my favorite sayings when I workout is "Inches, Inches, Inches!!!!". It helps me get through those tough moments of a workout to get through to the other side! Finally, I feel more balanced, I am not shoving all the delicious toxins our society pushes into our faces! Oh don't get me wrong, I still love the smell and taste of all those goodies, but also know they run me down and are silently hurting me from the inside out. So I went cold turkey and gave up the soda, the sugars, etc and feel amazing! Now, my next cycle I have to break is the next step. Maintaining. This phase, I always have struggled and in my eyes, fail. I have to shift that perspective. It's a lifestyle change, which I am ready to do. It is the perfect time in my life to make the best choices for me and then run with it without looking back.

So the transformation continues, mind, body and spirit. I feel like I am blossoming, without the weight of the world on my shoulders. I am grateful for the courage to finally step out from under that weight I carried for so long. I am filled with gratitude today.