Losing My Dad

Everyone has been through a lot in different ways. Happiness, Hurt, Tragedy, Love, Failure, Success... Loss of a loved one. Through my experience I have learned how I come out on the other side of each situation depends on my mindset and how I choose to react. Thank goodness I'm allowed to make mistakes, as I don't always have the right mindset or react the way I had hoped. But I keep trying everyday to improve and remember to be kind to myself and those around me. I also learned over the years that embracing my vulnerability and openly sharing, is one of the strongest ways to help me heal when my heart aches. So here it goes, it's been quite the emotional roller coaster.

Memorial weekend, my Dad passed away. Let's just say, he is no longer in pain and is now watching over us in spirit.

Those that knew my Dad, understand he was a private man that loved and was devoted to his family. Family not only meant my Mom, my Sister and I, but our close dear friends that we chose as our family. You know who you are. We were all very close, open, honest and loved each other with all of our hearts. There is a void in our hearts, and that void will be there forever. I know Dad is now at peace, so I'm grateful for that. Time, and supporting each other, will help us live on, heal, and ease the tears.

I remember in grade school one of my assignments was to write about my hero. Without hesitating I wrote about my Dad. He has always been my hero. I know I have that report somewhere and will share more when I find it. As a kid, he was always there to hold my hand, engulf me in a hug, catch me when I fell, and always had a way to make me smile and laugh. Even as an adult, he provided the same support and more! I loved that he lived his life with humor and silliness every chance he could get! He touched so many people with his humor and knowledge. There are many, many, many wonderful memories of my Dad. I will remember and hold each of them close to my heart. I am beyond grateful over the years my family has taken many pictures of those we love every chance we get. There are so many wonderful memories that I had forgotten about... but looking through old pictures has helped take me back to that moment in time! Priceless.

This quote is very true...
"The days will always be brighter because he existed. The nights will always be darker because he's gone. And no matter what anybody says about grief, and about time healing all wounds, the truth is, there are certain sorrows that never fade away until the heart stops beating and the last breath is taken." ~unknown

I love you Dad!

Independence Day!

In my small part of the world, tomorrow, July 12, will represent a significant turn in my history. It will mark one year I reached deep within myself for strength and courage to tell H that I was ready to sever ties of our marriage. For years, I allowed myself to be shackled by the chains of fear, shame, guilt, anger, unhappiness, expectations, pleasing others, and resentments. It took me a long time to realize I was watching H self destruct right in front of my eyes, slowly one day at a time, by the disease of alcoholism and other "labels" that have been attached to him by the medical field. Although labels, I could see from the outside some truth to some of them. Although he still, to this day, doesn't believe anything the doctors, or anyone else for that matter, has suggested might be a problem, he lives in denial and sinks deeper and deeper into his own disease. What I didn't realize, I was also self destructing right in front of my own eyes. I tried everything in my power and then some, to help H, but mostly for years I tried to manipulate and change him. Because I thought I knew what was best for him and tried to make us happy. That was my disease of perception, that created an illusion of control over another person. I didn't have the tools to realize, I had to take care of myself first, then I could be of help to others. But I never would know or have the answer of how someone else should live their life. In addition, I can only help someone else if they ask and willingly want the help. I was right there in the trenches of the effects of the family disease of alcoholism. Honestly, there are several turn of events that happened, but if I hadn't reached out for help and forced myself to have willingness to change myself and work little by little to be a better person. My hard work helped me rise out of the trenches. I would have died in those trenches. Scary thought, but filled with more truth than perhaps I want to admit to myself.   

Today, I know we both had a part in that difficult journey we walked together and I have taken responsibility for my part. Looking in the mirror and admitting my wrongs, is extremely difficult, but worth the healing that comes after facing those wrongs. I have made amends to myself and others. There are more amends to be made, but that will come with time and more healing. 

Thomas Jefferson shared a few years after the Declaration of Independence was signed, "May it be to the world, what I believe it will be... the signal of arousing men to burst the chains and to assume the blessings and security of self-government. That form, which we have substituted, restores the free right to the unbounded exercise of reason and freedom of opinion. All eyes are opened, or opening, to the rights of man. For ourselves, let the annual return of this day forever refresh our recollections of these rights, and an undiminished devotion to them."

Although very different, and I mean no disrespect to America's Independence day, but I can see a lot of parallel in our country's historic event and my own; however, mine was to a smaller degree, but same huge impact. I was able to shatter the chains I allowed and placed on myself for so many years. It was time and I was ready to take the power back and find my own security and serenity within myself instead of trying to fill that void from the outside in. This past year I have exercised my new found reason and freedom! I am finding my voice. my confidence. my pure happiness. my self-love. my love for life, again. and much, much more. Gratitude fills my heart today and truly feel blessed to have had the opportunity to go through everything I did. I continue to work hard to learn from my past, so I can appreciate today is a gift! 

This past year has helped me to open my eyes and heart to see, breath, and live in the moment, of the beauty around me. To embrace the joy that I have within myself and let it shine bright! I love my life today. I am beyond grateful for what I have and the amazing family and friends that are a part of my life. I am also grateful today I can have compassion for H and pray he finds peace, serenity, and happiness during his journey. While having that compassion, I will have my healthy boundaries to ensure I continue to live in a world of gratitude and not allow the disease to chain me again. 

You Can Do Anything But Not Everything

If I am completely honest with myself, life it truly amazing and I am beyond blessed today!! I continue to try hard to put myself in situations that are outside my comfort zone to help me grow, stretch, and expand myself while using the tools I am learning. I admit there are days I cringe with uncomfortable awkwardness in certain situations or even just the thought of putting myself in a situation. I am just grateful it is progress not perfection. I also try to hand it over to my HP to aid me in doing and saying the right thing.

Over time as I become more aware of my journey and what is going on within my life, I realize I have to work hard to pay attention to what messages my Higher Power has to offer me as I become ready for those messages. There are times when I continue to be bombarded with a specific message. Generally, I interpret that as something I should be really paying attention to OR I have not been paying close enough attention to hear the message, so my HP has to repeat it MULTIPLE times before, I pause, think to myself, "Hey, I keep seeing and hearing this same message.... I should probably pay attention and think about this." That has been me the last few weeks. I keep tossing new tasks and events onto my plate, without subtracting anything. I just keep adding. Typical behavior for me. It is something I have repeated over, and over, and over again for years. The competitive side of me comes out that is eager to "win" and prove those that doubt or criticize are wrong! But also the other side of my competitive side to prove to myself I can do it!! Also I convince myself that I am happiest when I am doing "ALL THE THINGS"!!! Since a little girl, I didn't feel like I was living life to the fullest unless I was cramming as many things, events, and thoughts into one day as I could! I know I inherited this trait from my dear Mother, who does the same thing. We run with this mentality for as long as we can, until we crash and burn. We stand up, whip ourselves off, and do it all over again. With that said, since I have brought more awareness of who I am and what makes me tick, I have tried to find a balance of fitting in all the things that I love to do. To focus on the people, places, and things that bring me pure happiness. To shift my energy on important items, instead of trying to spread myself thin to satisfying all of the people, places, and things around me! Let's just say, although I have the awareness, it is a work in progress, everyday. This cramming everything into every second of my life is second nature to me. In order to break that life time pattern, I have to be AWARE of it all the time. I'll be honest, that is exhausting in it's self!! So I feel it is a double sided sword! ***Big Sigh***

Ok, I feel that I am rambling.

Let me try to re-focus here.  The message that has been popping up in different ways is, "You can do anything, but not everything!" That does a good job of summarizing the different messages that have come across my path the last couple of weeks. I need to remember to breath in my gratitude and faith, while exhaling my fear and doubt of myself.

I worked hard this weekend, to take a few minutes out for myself to just relax. Not stress or focus on the "task list" that is a mile long. But to just exist and sit with myself. That is very difficult for me to sit still and not have my mind race a hundred miles an hour. To allow myself to meditate and pray. There was an hour or so that I accomplished this, the rest of the time was spending quality time with friends, family, and conquering one of the toughest mountain peaks in southern AZ, Picacho Peak!

Here a few photos from our hike:

Cables to help steep trail

View from half way up - Clouds looked like waves

We conquered the Peak!

Steep crevasse on the trail... terrifying part of the trail... also caused traffic jam

Flowers blooming

One of the views from the top

Onto a another tanget... A dear friend, asked me a question the other day that really provoked some thought. The question was if today was my last day on this earth, did I do it right? My initial thought was yes, I have lived a blessed life and I did the best I could with the tools I have. Then, as usual there was a nagging thought, that no I didn't do it right. There are some thoughts that have been unspoken lately in my heart. I would regret not speaking those if it was my last day. I need to ask my questions and inquire to this friend, but I am paralyzed by fear. Terrified of rejection. Same shit different day. There are so many layers, upon layers of these toxic thoughts and behaviors that I practiced for so many years, I say a prayer that my HP will continue to give me courage and the strength to continue walking this journey forward. To help free my heart from these toxic behaviors that don't serve me well anymore.

Tears come to my eyes today, which tells me my heart is open. I am continuing to heal through the friendships and fellowship I work hard to build and nurture. I am sure I am not doing it perfectly, but I am giving my all; heart and soul to those that mean the world to me. I feel at a cross road in a few areas of my life. I have been at this intersection before; however, the view is very different this time around. The signs are different. The air is clearer. The beautiful clouds are puffy, white, and filled with beauty. While the sun shines bright. The invitation to take a leap of faith down any of the paths is there and inviting, I just have to step forward and try one. Where as in the past, this intersection was dark and toxic, with dark and dangerous storms rolling through, making the visibility almost zero. It was a terrifying place to sit. In fact, I usually went back the way I came and avoided that interection for years.  Getting back to today and the different more sunny view of the intersection, I am grateful for my pause, I don't have to choose which road today. I am not quite ready. It is more inviting and I don't feel I need to retreat and turn my back. I am close and want to be willing. I will continue to do the best I can right now, with my willingness and connection with my HP, I will find the courage and strength to make a decision.

I know I have been vague in my share. But there are so many examples, I don't even know where to begin. Here are a few of the vehicles that sit at this intersection... relationships, business adventures, education, my life style, my home... to name a few. The beauty of this journey, I have been able to put aside much of the garbage I insisted on focusing on, so today I have time to focus on the productive and REAL growth. However, it is terrifying, but I know will be rewarding beyond my imagination.

I will pray for focus. "I can do anything, but not everything"

Miracles of Willingness, Determination, & Hope

I have shared a little that I have been on a journey to become healthier, physically. This week I reached a new goal!

I don’t know about you all, but I have always struggled with my self-image. I never really saw the real “me” in the mirror. The view of myself was a twisted distorted image that my mind created, and it hasn't always been pretty or kind. I woke up this past week with a smile and when I looked in the mirror, I saw a real new me. It brings tears to my eyes as I type this… For years I allowed others to beat me down, which in turn I beat myself down every chance I could get. I had low self-esteem and was a chameleon to whoever I was with. It is a struggle to break that type of pattern, to break free to be my own person. If you have been following my blog, you know my general story, so I won’t go into all that. However, I am living proof that with just a little willingness, determination, and hope, I can reach new places and ways of living that I never thought imaginable.

I am beyond proud of the hard work I have put into rebuilding my character, my spirit, and my body!!

It has been a long road; I had to first start with my character and spirit, which has been a 6 year journey. (And I am not done yet; I still have some work to do... It's the journey not a destination!) Once I started healing the inside, then I could start working on the outside, which I have also been working on about that same time frame, but really buckled down the last 5 months.

I weighted and measured this last week as I wrapped up my second 30 day challenge with Isagenix and working out with my local Iron Girlz gym! My amazing results… **drum roll** I am down an additional 11.2 lbs and 8 inches!!! I am PUMPED!!!  My goal was to lose 10 lbs and 10 inches in my second challenge. I would have to say that is pretty damn close to my goal and I am proud of my achievement.

So the overall count since I really buckled down and started this journey in September 2014, I am down a total of 28.2 lbs and 36.75 inches. I could not have accomplished this by myself, I have an amazing support group of friends and family that I am forever grateful too!


**If you are interested in more information about Isagenix and/or Iron Girlz and what each has done for me, message me and I can share more with you. Thank you!

Purging

This last week was filled to the brim with purging toxins, both emotional and physical! Life has a tendency to sneak up on me and the clutter on my desk, in my head, and in my body gets overwhelming and drags me down. Therefore, I have been taking action this month to clean up all of those areas. Naturally in Simply Me style, I have to do ALL at once and right now. With this consistent approach I try to take, it has a tendency to overwhelm me and knock me down a little. That's ok, I can handle it. I just have been working to balance all of my goals, while remembering to breath and be gentle with myself.

I started Monday, 6 days ago, another round of the Isagenix 30 day system to help me reach my final goal in both inches and weight loss!! I am super pumped and excited to see the results. I did sneak in a jump on the scale this morning, ssqqquuuueeezzzzeeee!!! I am beyond excited that I am seeing results already. I am headed in the right direction. To be honest, the last round of this I did back in September/October of last year, the first 6 days were the roughest and I felt like shit. With good reason, I had horrible toxins from the crappy food I was eating! I hung in there and day 7 I woke up a new person. It was amazing! This time around has not been as bad, because I have made the life change to eat and be healthier. However, I will continue to be honest, I have splurged more than maybe I should have on goodies. It was a lot of fun! However, this week I am hurting from all the fun and it has been a little rough. I am praying tomorrow is similar to my last round. Hoping my expectations don't get me down. We shall see what is revealed tomorrow.

As I shared in my blog earlier this week, it was sort of a milestone I wondered how I would handle. Milestones of all types have always appealed to me. It helps me set goals and track my progress. It also helps me remember certain events and things better to have those milestones. I handled this past milestone quite well I feel. Although, on the 15th late afternoon, I was feeling tired and was on my first "cleanse" day the Isagenix, so I know my body was more susceptible to my emotions running away with me. And that is exactly what they did, they sneaked up on me and BAM! it was like a truck hit me and the tears started flowing. I was so confused, as I was at work. Luckily I could shut my office door and give myself a minute. I am still sorting through those emotions that must of came up from a new layer of healing. The tears showed me that I am ready for more healing and letting myself grieve for what will never be. I have accepted and let go to the core of my heart and soul of my relationship with H. I am proud of that, but I also have to be honest that there is still sadness there and for heaven sake the first milestone after a whirl wind of a ending of a chapter. This week was also a milestone of exactly 6 months since I made the decision to change my life and let H go. That made me pause, and take a deep breath. I am proud of the courage, grace, and integrity I have displayed through this entire time. I am grateful for my Higher Power and my amazing fellowship of family and friends that have helped support me through this journey.

Finally, the other huge purging I have tackled this week was to clean out my email inbox. Well one of them at least. I have four different emails. Anyhow, one issue at a time. **smile** This email I have had for about 9 years or so? Well, needless to say I have a hard time deleting emails. I was feeling I needed to push myself outside my comfort zone and purge some old emails. For the most part, it was surprisingly easy, I haven't read these messages in years! However, there were moments when I would see certain threads from people, I did pause to read. This dug up some old feelings an old friend that I have not completely forgiven for past unacceptable behavior, in my opinion. I have done some footwork on reaching for the forgiveness and to heal my wounds, as they run deep. In fact, deeper than the wounds from H. Therefore, I knew it would take time to reach that level of forgiveness for myself and this friend. I am no where near done with that journey. However, I am glad those emails where still there towards the end of when we cut each other off from our lives. The tears I shed I know are part of me getting closer to that forgiveness and healing. That fills me with pride that I am moving in the right direction. Today I can pray for this old friend, and wish the best for her. I truly feel that. I still have to work through the layers of the past. In due time and in my HP's time, not mine. So I keep those email threads and will come across them again when I am ready.

So there you have it, purging of physical toxins, emotional toxins, and email toxins! Wow, what a week. It was tough and physically and mentally felt ill at moments. But I pulled through and survived, because I used my tools and reached out to my amazing fellowship to help grab me from falling off the cliff.

ALWAYS Be You.

Over the years, I have struggled with my self-esteem and being comfortable with who I am. As a child and then a teenager, I think I was trying to figure all of that out, as we all do. As I went into early adulthood and, I believe is the perfect opportunity, to really spread my wings to discover who I am and wanted to be. Instead, I jumped into the situation of being in love with an alcoholic. Not realizing that was what I was doing at the time. Also not realizing that I had also been affected by the effects of the family disease in my own family history! I quickly became a chameleon and lost myself completely. All odds were against me without any tools. So I jumped in feet first and trudged along in the mud for years. I realize and accept now, that was my journey and I don't regret a single moment. It wasn't easy, but it did make me stronger and helped me eventually get to the point where I was ready to know who I really was and wanted to be. I just took the extended route on my journey of self discovery.

As you have experienced with my sharing on this blog, I have made life altering changes in the last year or so, that has allowed me to take the power back. To nourish and build my self-esteem, my self-confidence, and to strengthen my self-image from within. By working through these struggles, it is helping me establish a stronger foundation so when the world around me shakes, I can weather the storm with more grace and confidence.

I came across a reading today that did not have an author, but would like to share, as it spoke to me and was a good reminder.

"Always be yourself. Never try to hide who you are. The only shame is to have shame. Always stand up for what you believe in. Always question what other people tell you. Never regret the past, it's a waste of time. There's a reason for everything. Every mistake, every moment of weakness, every terrible thing that has happened to you. Grow from it. The only way can ever get the respect of others is when you show them that you respect yourself and most importantly, do your thing and never apologize for being you." ~unknown

Apologizing. Wow, I apologized for everything and anything whether it was mine or not. It was more of a reaction, rather than a true apology. It really fell into the category of me wanting to please those around me. People Pleaser. Part of my own illness from the effects of the family disease of alcoholism. Today, I still have to work hard not to say, "I am sorry", for every little thing. Thankful for progress not perfection!

Set Sail

Remembering to pause and breath today. It was a busy, but amazing weekend spending time with people that I love and cherish. The spirit of being grateful and loving those around me is a year round holiday!

A friend shared the following quote the other day that I love!

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can change the set of my sails." unknown author

The power of choices and working with what I can change. That indeed is a miracle!

Perfect Storm

It was a little bit of a roller coaster day. A great morning spent with a dear friend, but then an anxiously anticipated afternoon. Only because of the help and support of my amazing family, I was able to wrap up a final healing and letting go, but daunting task today. H wasn't able to come by to pick up the rest of his "items", for the third time. I needed this completed. So I took the items to a location he asked me too. I am grateful I was able to handle the situation with grace and integrity. However, that shitty committee in my head has been in full session for the last few days in anticipation of this step in the healing process. I am feeling exhausted/drained, but relief, but also overwhelmed that I added this to my already busy schedule. I need to take a step back and breath.

I came across this random quote, not sure who to cite the credit too, but never the less a good reminder to stay in the moment and breath. 

"You can’t calm the storm, so stop trying. What you can do is calm yourself. The storm will pass." ~unknown author

Can I Pause?

It is hard to believe this year is coming to an end quickly! I seem to always feel that way the week after my birthday and as the holidays creep up on me. Speaking of birthday weekends, I think this last weekend was one of the best birthdays I have had in a long time. I had a trip to Vegas with my Sister and her man. I love going on adventures with those two. On my birthday, this past Sunday, I got a text from an old friend from High School who had a photo from my 16th birthday. I did not have that specific photo. It brought a big smile to my lips. Remembering back, that was a good day with all my dear friends.  My parents put together a "car rodeo" for my birthday since all of my friends were a bit older than me and we all drove. There were different events set up on my parents 10 acres and there were prizes to be won! It was an all day event and I remember everyone having a great time! Down to the bonfire at the end. Fond memories.

It is the most amazing feeling to feel happy in the moment today. It is also amazing to remember back on fond memories that make me smile. My heart feels light and happy today. Truly a blessing and a miracle, due to my hard work, footwork, and investment in myself that I was willing to put into life.

My thoughts are a bit all over the map today, so sorry if I jump from topic to topic. I was cleaning out one of my bags and came across a journal from four or so years ago. I enjoy reading older entries I wrote, giving an incredible insight into that moment and where I was at in that point in time. Many of my entries bring tears to my eyes and heart. Sometimes I have to put it down and walk away. There is so much sadness in my words and it just seeps from the pages and my handwriting. It takes me right back to that day. That is painful, but something I know I need to do periodically to recognize and be proud of how far I have come. The combination of fear and anger literally paralyzed me for so long. I am grateful that I had, and have, Al-Anon to help work through each of those days and emotions to find myself again.

Today I am beyond grateful for my family and my dear friends that mean the world to me. I love technology that helps me stay closely in touch with those I care about, in a flash of an eye.

I have been living life to it's fullest lately and I am struggling with reining it in a bit financially. I have been a bit crazy with having fun. **sigh** I have dug myself into a hole before, and you know what, I will dig myself out again. I will be ok. I just need to set my awesome discipline skills in some different areas of my life that I have been to lax. I don't want to let myself down or anyone else with bad choices. Although, I will be gentle with myself if I make a decision that is possibly less desirable.  You know why? Because it was my decision and I will live with the consequences and make better decisions from there. Trial and error.

On to another topic, I came across my step 9 letter to myself. Wow. I still have tears in my eyes. I needed to read that today. Here is a little bit to share that I wrote a couple years ago. "Be willing to make amends and take courageous steps to live those amends. It is true you treated yourself horribly by finding ways to beat yourself down or finding an excue to not take that leap of faith. This self-crippling was paralyzing; however, you have the awareness today to take that power back; to know you are worth the risks; you are worth whatever the outcome is."

Growth is so beautiful. It can be painful when going through it, but looking back it brings happy tears to my eyes and was worth the struggles. My heart swells with gratitude today. Almost don't have words to how happy and grateful I am right now. 

Things have been so amazing in so many areas of my life, I sometimes want to pause and bottle these amazing feelings. I realize that is the "old" me thinking, waiting for the shoe to drop. The funny thing is, I have the awareness today to realize I don't have to live my life with that thinking anymore. Life is going to happen. Disappointments are going to come my way. Results of choices I made may not be what I wanted or expected. The beauty of today, I can let go of that crazy thinking, the shoe is going to drop, because it probably will, that I don't have control over. What I do have control over is how I react to each of those shoes being tossed at me. Which today I am feeling more confident in my self-esteem to take on each of those challenges head on and conquer each one in my own little way. Living in the moment and making the best of each moment. Life is amazing today.

Don't Over Think

Plans changed today and I have a quiet day to myself. I use to dread days like this, when I was alone with my thoughts. That use to get me in trouble as I would over think, EVERYTHING. Sometimes I can still get into that pattern. Particularly when I am feeling vulnerable. Also when my self-esteem is trying to waver. Being tired is another factor that adds to this fire.

Today, I am grateful as these sneaky old habits started to trickle into my day, I received a few messages from my dear friends that helped put my mind and thoughts back into perspective. My amazing friends had no idea that they were helping me shift my perspective. In fact, I believe it was more my HP sending me those messages through those I care about. Thank you.

One of the messages was to stop thinking to much. Until I read that, I didn't realize that was exactly what I was doing today. I don't have to know the answers, today or ever. I just need to believe I will be ok. The answers will come to me when I least expect it, and at the exact moment I will need it. Don't push the river. Until then, I need to continue to live in the moment, smile, take a deep breath, and relish in the happiness I have chosen. Life it good.

Another friend sent a list from another blog that listed out a few things this gal did after her divorce that she strongly recommended to others. It was a simple, but powerful list. That inspired me to create my own list.

1. Totally fallen apart, spiritually and emotionally.
2. Completely pulled my self back together again, both spiritually and emotionally. 
3. Repeat 1 and 2. 
4. Stop caring what others think. 
5. Stopped letting the little manipulate messages affect me. 
6. Recognize what occurs today was a result of choices I made prior to today. 
7. More importantly recognize what is occurring to him, are direct results of choices he made.
8. Started having sex again. 
9. Realizing I love it again.
10. Laughed at my level of happiness. 
11. Cried at my level of sadness. 
12. Asked for help. 
13. Accepted the help. 
14. Learned to let go of what was not mine.
15. Found compassion for him.
16. Lowered my bills. 
17. Got my old name back. 
18. Cried openly.
19. Cried alone. 
20. Stopped exerting energy on what could of been. 
21. Started working on what could be. 
22. Counted my blessings.
23. Allowed myself to be angry, so I could let it go.
24. Decided "Fuck yes" was my new motto! 
25. Rebuild.
26. Renewed. 
27. Restore and build new relationships with those that appreciate me for me. 
28. Stopped looking for answers. 
29. Started moving forward. 

30. Genuinely began looking forward to the future.

All part of the powerful healing process. Again, life is good.

Transformation

I had a chance this weekend to slow down and pause. I don't allow myself to do that enough. Generally I am like a steam locomotive going full speed ahead with life!! Only, I do run out of fuel here and there, that forces me to stop. 

Last week I realized I was out of coal and was brought to my knees. I was in excruciating pain over the weekend with my tooth. Instead of calling my amazing dentist's emergency number I pushed through and went straight in on Monday morning. Not very smart as you don't want to mess with infections and teeth. Needless to say, that pain is an experience I never want to have again. I don't do pain well. The verdict, I need a root canal. I get the second half done, next week. They want to make sure the infection is gone before they finish.

Prior to that speed bump, I was going full steam ahead with new eating plan that I was seeing result! I have been so excited about it I want to scream from the roof tops! This is the year of crucial changes and shifting of my perspective to better my mind, body and spirit. One downfall of mine is I like instant results. I admit it, I try to be patient, but know this about myself. When I can see results, I am more driven and motivated to keep going in the right direction.

For the last five and half years, I have been bearing down and working on rebuilding my character and spirit. Which both were pretty broken and depleted. My footwork was (and still is) vital for my growth and recovery in both of these areas. It has been worth every tear, every rough patch, every little miracle, and everything in between to get to where I am today. Truly a blessing to be happy with me today. To fill I am a much better person today with an open mind and heart towards others, no matter who you are. I am enough. To feel my spirit is light and joyful today. I still have some work to do, but feeling pretty happy today.

Not only has working to better my character helped my spirit, but also my mind. The way I think and see the world around me. It has a much more positive spin today, both internally and externally. I truly do love to learn new things. In fact, I am usually very hungry to learn new things!! However, I am finding out about myself that is has to be something I am interested in and passionate about, or I just don't stick with it long or doesn't hold my interest. I know I need to continue to push myself outside my comfort zone when learning, but I feel every minute of my life is precious and I don't want to waste a second on anything that isn't for me. I am sure that says a lot about me, I still have a lot to learn. **smile**

Now for the body transformation. Back to screaming from the roof tops! Despite a few days of "life happening" and only eating saltine crackers, I am back on track. A dear friend of mine started a new eating plan and started seeing results quickly! I had some speculations and a lot of questions. After those were answered, I wanted what I saw! I am almost done with my first 30 days and I am feeling like a million dollars! I am losing the pounds, which I need to do. But more importantly I am losing the inches!!! One of my favorite sayings when I workout is "Inches, Inches, Inches!!!!". It helps me get through those tough moments of a workout to get through to the other side! Finally, I feel more balanced, I am not shoving all the delicious toxins our society pushes into our faces! Oh don't get me wrong, I still love the smell and taste of all those goodies, but also know they run me down and are silently hurting me from the inside out. So I went cold turkey and gave up the soda, the sugars, etc and feel amazing! Now, my next cycle I have to break is the next step. Maintaining. This phase, I always have struggled and in my eyes, fail. I have to shift that perspective. It's a lifestyle change, which I am ready to do. It is the perfect time in my life to make the best choices for me and then run with it without looking back.

So the transformation continues, mind, body and spirit. I feel like I am blossoming, without the weight of the world on my shoulders. I am grateful for the courage to finally step out from under that weight I carried for so long. I am filled with gratitude today.

Someday is Today

Although a short week, it has been really busy! I have a long "to do" list I want to accomplish. I was feeling a little over whelmed with my long list, so I picked up my daily reader, Courage to Change to help put my mind in a better perspective. It was perfect, and I would like to share with you.

"Before coming to Al-Anon, I had built a lifetime of dreams and promises that were reserved for that one special day called, "Someday." Someday I'll begin --- or end -- that project. Someday I'll call that friend with whom I've lost touch. Someday I'll let them know how I feel. Someday I'll be happy. I'm going to take that trip, find that job, speak my mind. Someday. Just wait and see.

Wait -- just as I waited for the alcoholic to come in from a binge, and for inspiration to bring interesting friends and career opportunities to my doorstep, and for everybody else to change. But Al-Anon has helped me to see that today can be the Someday I've always wanted. There isn't enough time in these twenty-four hours to do everything I've ever hoped to do, but there is time to start making my dreams come true. By asking my Higher Power for guidance and by taking some small step in the direction of my choice, I will be able to accomplish more than I would ever have thought possible.

Today's Reminder
Today I will not wait for the blue moon, a rainy day, the 366th day of the year, or Someday to accomplish good things in my life.

'Each indecision brings its own delays and days are lost lamenting over lost days... What you can do or think can do, begin it. For boldness has Magic, Power, and Genius in it.' ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe"
It blows my mind all the time how powerful these readings can be and speak directly to me about what is going on right now in my life. I swear the text really starts out, Dear Simply Me!

This reading talks about taking small steps in the right direction, and I did that exact thing in the beginning. One baby step at a time, when I was ready. I am proud looking back, I always pushed myself to go outside my comfort zone to improve my character, to improve the choices I made, to improve the way I thought of the world around me and myself, to improve even when I failed. I could go on and on.

Today I have taken my life back. I am experiencing more often those days that are like a blue moon, one of a kind! I took steps today to start a game plan of making goals for myself. Both short term and long term. I get all giddy thinking about it!!  A little overwhelming, but have a good start to get some ideas on paper. Then I can start mapping out how I am going to financially make it all happen! I am excited about the future and looking forward to making my dreams a reality. Although it feels like I have taking large leaps in the last few months instead of baby steps, I still have days were I have to scale it back and just take a baby step. Also remembering to breath and do what I can.

I am accomplishing more than I ever thought was possible!

The Alphabet of Living in the Moment

I allowed the stress from this week get to me a bit. Thankfully I was able to recover quickly, and let go. I continue to strive to live in the moment of gratitude and keep it simple! A little trick I have been using lately is going through the alphabet and thinking of something positive or silly for each letter, to help me smile and ease the tension in my shoulders. I want that happiness to shine from within, but in order for that to happen I have to extinguish the negative and stressful thoughts that try to invade my every waking hour! 
So, let's sing our A, B, C's!

Appreciate yourself

Bounce on the bed

Create a blog

Dig in the garden

Explode a myth

Flabbergast a friend

Get up late

Help yourself to seconds

Imagine it and do it

Jump at the chance

Keep it simple

Leave your troubles behind

Meet someone new

Nourish your soul

Opt for ice cream

Play all day

Quench your desires

Revel at random 

Sing loudly, smile widely

Touch the sky

Uncork the champagne

Vamoose

Watch whatever you want

X-ercise your hear out!

Yearn for the best

Zip, zap, zing, and zone out

Milestones

With the world shifting drastically around me, I haven't had a lot of energy to share here. However, I had a productive and spiritually peaceful day today. Now I can't seem to sleep and I was drawn to my blog to share. THEN I realized, oh my, this weekend marks my three year anniversary in Bloggerville! Milestones have always been important to me, in the respect it helps me keep life in perspective. In past years, milestones would possibly cause me sadness and my view of them could really bring me down. As the years go by, I certainly feel I have a different perspective and respect for milestones. They allow me to take inventory of myself. Am I headed in the direction I want to be going? Do I have have faith and trust myself, as well as trusting my HP? Am I accomplishing the goals I set out to conqueror? Am I painting a picture and laying the foundation of my life to ensure I live and capture my happiness each day?

To answer these questions and take my life to the next level, I had to close the book of a deep and loving relationship close to my heart and soul. As I look back and read through some of my earlier posts, I sit back and am honestly in awe the journey I have walked in the last few years. The power of journalling and sharing the challenges and successes, is truly a miracle in its self. There are so many moments in our lives, it is impossible to remember them all! What a powerful way to help capture a few of those moments, I might otherwise have forgotten or tucked away in a memory buried beneath other memories. I am filled with gratitude today. My heart is sad, but strong today.

"Living with joys and problems affirms my membership in the human race. What sets me apart is the path on which I have been placed to walk. No one can walk it for me, nor can I change my path to suit anyone else." CtoC

"The shell that had enclosed my life, that had prevented me from living and loving, has cracked, and the power of the Al-Anon program is filling the void that for years kept me at a distance from life." ~As We Understood...

Here is to resting peacefully tonight like my precious pup so easily does... Pleasant dreams my friends!

Slow Progress, ah It's a Beautiful Thing

Everyday I work towards being a better person. Some days I am better at it than others. But thankfully I am working towards progress and not perfection anymore. Remember that wandering I felt like I was doing, well really it was my slow progress working in the background. Honestly, it was also my slight impatience interfering along with my will and wishing for my own time frame for certain things to happen. Fighting the inner battle of my will versus my HP's is a daily activity. The days I can get out of my own way, live in the moment and hand it over helps me be committed to where I am right now!! Those are good days that I say and do the right thing and then in return can experience miracles around me. There were a few miracles this past week I never would of expected possible. That is the beauty of my program, letting go so I can see the beauty of the unthinkable that I never imaged possible!!! Nothing is set in stone today, but these little miracles prove to me time and time again that I have choices. I am worth it. AND I will be ok no matter what tomorrow brings because I am heading in the right direction. 

Living the Answer

"Today's Reminder:
When I can't find a solution to a problem, when I have nagging, doubts, fears, or frustrations, when I feel lost or confused, a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself can make a tremendous difference. Whenever I work the Steps, I tell my Higher Power that I am willing to heal, to find a solution, to feel better. The energy that would have been dumped into worry, tears, and obsession can be turned into positive action.

'We all wish good things to happen to us, but we cannot just pray and then sit down and expect miracles to happen. We must back up our prayers with action.' ~Freedom from Despair"  CtoC p.55

This was a good read for me today. I have been pretty critical and rough with myself the last week or so. It is review time at work and having to write a self appraisal always tends to shake my confidence. Why you ask? I am not completely sure. It's a chance for me celebrate my successes over the past year! But I still struggle with focusing on the things that I do well and patting myself on the back. That black hole of self-pity and lack of self-worth always seem to trickle into my thoughts and send me into a tizzy. I am about to start working on Step Four again, so this was a good reminder that I am ready to continue healing my heart and soul. I am worth it and will get to the root of that black hole that seems to seep into my bright sunny days. I will find the solution, but instead of forcing a solution, I will work to live the questions for now and gradually, hopefully without even noticing it, I will start to live the answers. 

Totally off topic, I harvested the last of my carrots that I planted last fall. Here are a couple of photos to share with you. 

Erotic Carrots!

Opening New Doors To Life

As I continue to learn, I have to walk through the pain to get to the other side. I am learning to feel the feelings I have and use the tools at my disposal. Through my sadness this week, I called my sponsor, I went several meetings, read my literature, and worked to learn from the experience. When I start to walk down the path of wishing for what I don't have, it never ends well. I don't like that dark place.

Today I am opening new doors through my eyes and heart for new possibility! I am the only one that can shift my perspective. The outlook on life, that happiness in my heart, that has to start with me and is my responsibility. I choose to rejoice today in what I have, and I know that fresh new experiences are always ahead. What I have today, is exactly what I need. I will trust in my HP and know that life is a wonderful thing that I will relish in today.

My weekend is filled with low key plans with my family and friends to celebrate my birthday. I am looking forward to all of it. I am also looking forward to having H join in all of the festivities. That means a lot to me. I will however, keep the expectations out of the picture to help me enjoy and be in the moment.

It is chilly here in the desert, I hope you are all staying warm and well, while relishing in your serenity. That is my goal and wrapping myself with self-love and surrounding myself with others that love me for who I am. 

"What's with the obsession of clouds?"

Someone recently asked me "What's with the obsession of clouds?"

So I've been thinking about that question. As long as I can remember I've been looking at the sky admiring the clouds. I enjoy the view and looking for shapes and objects that I can identify. I remember always being in the car as a kid as we traveled around the state; looking at the clouds was a pastime of mine. I loved them all, from the big white puffy clouds to the thin wispy clouds. I admire the artwork that nature shares with us. It's a living and breathing oil painting. Perhaps sense I grew up in the desert and clouds are a rarity, I came to have an appreciation for when they were around. In addition, I think I also associated clouds with rain, which meant fun and freedom as a kid. When I was in grade school, when it rained, it normally flooded our washes. Therefore, we normally had rain days and went home early from school, which was always a plus!

I'm grateful for the gift of life and that I can take the time to enjoy something as simple as the clouds as they glide by. Also, to have the ability to slow down, pause, and recognize nature's beauty as she shares it with me. Finally, I find it healing to focus on nature's beauty instead of things that are none of my business, placing me in the moment. Being in that moment helps me walk the path of serenity one day at a time. Those are the reasons I am obsessed with clouds.

Here are some additional photos I took while in Vancouver. A small collection of my "cloud" photos over my life time. **wink**

Downtown Vancouver - Canada Place

Million Dollar view from within the convention center

View of North Vancouver 

Stanley Park

A different view of North Vancouver

Lion Gate Bridge

Prospect Point Lookout in Stanley Park

Restore to Sanity

Time is just flying by. I blinked and June is right around the corner! Reflecting back, May has been an amazing month. I wrapped up my one of my classes and still grateful that class is over. I'm also grateful for the extended break I'm still taking from classes.

Our recent Area convention turned out to be an amazing weekend full of inspiration, recovery, and hope that helped me enJOY my journey. I believe I asked a while ago for feedback from anyone that might of attended a journal workshop before. Thank you again for your feedback. I was asked to chair the workshop. Although I said yes, I honestly had no idea how the workshop was going to work. I did my footwork the best I could and really handed it over to my HP to help me find the answers. I did not have anything finalized, until the weekend before, but I found I was not stressed as I had faith it would turn out exactly the way it was suppose too. An anonymous angel donated about 40 journals towards my workshop. Which allowed me to provide a journal as a gift to each attendee. I will be forever grateful for my angel! I just remembered to breath, be myself, and hand it over to my HP during the workshop. It couldn't have gone better. I put together a page of quick easy starter questions I pulled from the various CAL Al-Anon literature to help folks find a starting point to journal. I shared a bit of what and how I have journal over the years. The beauty of journalling is there is no right way or answer of how to journal, I had to just find what works best for me. I have journalled using words, photos, symbols, and even taking a leaf or flower I found that reminded me of a memory I did not want to forget. I had to learn to let go of perfection when it came to journalling, even with my blog. It can be intimidating to me at times to realize as soon as I post, the world can read my thoughts and words that I share. Although, it is more freeing and allows more doors to open in my recovery than anything. I have to constantly remind myself, progress not perfection! I do not have to perfect! That can be tough for me, as I want to the best I can and then plus 100. However, I am learning to just do the best I can at that time. That's it. Without a doubt, I will make mistakes. Mistakes in spelling, grammar, etc. But when journalling either to share with the world or in private, I can write a novel or I can simply write a few words. Whatever I need at that moment. I find a lot of peace and serenity through my photo journalling, capturing the beauty around me and documenting how I feel through those photos. Honestly though, the workshop took it's own form when others started to share their experience, strength, and hope. Gives me goose bumps reflecting back. Some of you might know, but at conventions they record the main speakers and some of the workshops. I was asked if I wanted to record the workshop, but since there was going to be some silence for the writing exercise I had planned we decided not too. At the time, I felt it was more my nervousness saying no to alleviate some of my nerves, but looking back I think that was my HP at work, as I am not sure if everyone would of opened up as they did with the microphone being passed around. **shrug** All I know, everything happened exactly the way it was suppose. 


This past weekend H and I had the opportunity to spend sometime with dear friends that have some property up north in the pine trees with cooler weather. It is a little slice of heaven that our friends share with us. The miracles continue to unfold. There were a few times H was upset or bored because of what was going on; however, I gently reminded him that he had a choice to be upset or bored OR take the opportunity to be happy and content with the amazing weekend of friends, good food, and lots of relaxing. I am improving to not take on H's mood as it turns south, but I also do not just ignore it. My disease of attitudes use to be a puppet to H's mood. Today, I can share my gentle reminders and then let it go. Sometimes it works and sometimes it does not. I am improving in not trying to force solutions when it comes to H and getting him to participate in life. I am beyond filled with gratitude H joined us for the long weekend. That alone is a miracle. The other miracles were the rest of the time when we laughed, lounged, shared stories, were entertained by the dogs, and most importantly spent time with the horses. Although H does not actually ride, I did catch him spending quite a bit of time with the horses. This weekend was a perfect example of my progress in me believing a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. My journey to find faith in a higher power of my understanding has been gradual and a bit rocky at times, but after this past weekend, I continue to see the progress in my recovery. I am forever grateful for the faith and love I have found to help me with all the twists and turns of life. "Finding inner strength is looking beyond the visible and focusing life's search on the unseen." As We Understood... CtoC p156.

Here are a few photos of the beautiful weekend.

My buddy, Dude

Our friend's backyard, a little slice of heaven

Part of our forest trail ride

Healing Power of Laughter

It has been quite a journey the last month! I wanted to stop by for a quick "Hello" and update: 

* The journey is challenging and really pushing me to stretch knowledge and skills while working on my Master's. I will be taking a brief break after this class is done and starting classes up again in mid July. 
* I recently received an unexpected promotion at work! I feel very honored the leaders in my department have confidence in me to take on a new challenging direction in my career I never imagined myself exploring. My course work is very relevant to this new position. My HP working in mysterious ways! **wink**
* I miss my gardening terribly. However, I understand my time and commitment is focused on my school right now. I will get my hands dirty again in the future! 
* Overall life has been very tame and with little chaos in the face of alcoholism. Although the disease continues to fester and bubble in my home, peace and serenity is slowly weaving its self through the disease in my home. It is a true blessing.
* I am looking forward to the Area Al-Anon convention coming up in May! The committee I am chairing is coming right along with our tasks. I also volunteered to do a workshop at the convention. I have been praying on how all the pieces of that workshop are going to come together. Although I have several ideas of how I plan to run the workshop, I don't have all of my details finalized. Despite that I feel at peace it will all fall into place. That's a sigh of my recovery right there! 
* I am also looking forward to the International Al-Anon convention in Vancouver! Although, I still have a few butterflies in my stomach as I am not sure how I will be getting there or where I am going to be staying yet. More will be revealed! 
* Spring has arrived! After the horrible freezes we had this winter, many of our plants at home are bouncing back with the beautiful warmer weather. There are also an abundance of flowers blooming at work!

* I have been working to manage my stress level; however, that has proven to be difficult with my new position and school. However, when I catch myself all wound up and not breathing! I have to stop, take a deep breath and re-evaluate, what do I have control of at this moment. Generally, I was freaking out about something that I didn't have any control over. On the flip side, I could calm down, breath, and then start working on one task at a time. Such as finish reading the lecture notes for this week. (Which is what I really should be doing right now!). Or what works for me when I'm feeling overwhelmed with so much on my plate, is to make a list of items I need to accomplish. Then I prioritize each item depending on when that item needs to be completed. That helps me get that panic out of my head and allows me to step back and focus on one item at a time.
* I found out some difficult news yesterday about a friend. He had a serious stroke a few days ago and is in ICU. It isn't looking good. This individual is a ray of sunshine and has touched so many lives. It brings tears to my eyes right now that this has happened to him. His wife is also someone that I hold dear to my heart. Both are amazing, strong, and inspirational people to so many. They have been in my prayers continuously. I believe that their Higher Power will take care of each of them. He would not put either through this difficult time if they were not ready. It is a sad time and my heart just breaks, but I can't focus on that, I focus on the wonderful things about him that make me smile. Please keep my friends in your prayers. * I have found the last few days really reaching into my gratitude basket being thankful for what I have. When I take the gratitude inventory, I feel beyond blessed!
* I follow several "inspirational sites" and this one popped up and was VERY relevant to my days lately. I shared with my team today and we all have this posted next to our computers to help keep each task, each moment, and each day in perspective! That perspective is dependent upon my attitude. My attitude is something I have control over.

I miss you all! I hope you are doing well and hope you are finding and enjoying serenity in your beautiful day!