Forgiveness

How was I able to end my marriage with integrity and grace? One word. Forgiveness. Forgiveness to myself and H, for years of unacceptable behavior from both of us and years of a toxic relationship that wasn't healthy for either of us. When I came to a healthy level of forgiveness, the weight of the anger, guilt, fear, and shame dissolved and left my shoulders. Truly a blessing. I have zero regrets and grateful for the journey we walked. But will be honest, I don't want to walk it again. So, to keep that true, I have to continue to work on me and not repeat history. 

Today, I am struggling with a few things. I am feeling the pressure of the stress in my shoulders and neck. Stress is like poison in my blood and muscles. Today I have to work extra hard to be gentle with myself and work to dissolve that stress I ingested. I am taking some time for myself to breath, rest, and try to reprioritize so I can release the stress. Smiling and surrounding myself with others that have a positive outlook helps. 

Perhaps I need to revisit forgiving myself for a few other things? I am wondering if some of the stress I am carrying around today is me being hard on myself for some choices I have made? Something to think and pray about about.

Battle in my Head

I realized today, I typed the share below on January 1, 2015 and never published! Instead of deleting, I would like to share.


It was a great first day of the year! Today was my Mom's birthday. I am grateful our small family and few friends were able to get together for lunch and a movie. Mom seemed very happy with the quality time with her family. I love her dearly with all my heart. She is an amazing person, Mom, and friend.

Everyday I struggle with changing my thinking. I work diligently EVERYDAY to shift my thinking patterns and perspectives. I have been programmed for so many years to react to every little thing, or lack of responses from others, or read into every response or decision someone else makes. These activities by others would drive me straight to react emotionally and physically to the the worst scenario possible. There was no pause. If someone didn't answer the phone when I called, I instantly went into anger or upset mode with the shitty committee in full session. "Are they ignoring me?", "Are they ok?", "What did I do wrong?" Wow, those were dark, dark days I lived in. No wonder I felt insane. I am much better at quieting my mind and not having the internal battle today. However, I do have my moments of set back. Usually when I am tired. Which I am today. I have noticed the last few days I have been running through those "worst" case scenarios to "prepare" myself for the worst. Are you KIDDING ME!!! This is such old behavior for me. I have to nip this in the butt NOW! I don't want to poison anything in my life today, mostly I don't want to poison myself with these horrible thoughts and "scenario" walk through to help prepare me for the worst. That is just me trying to predict the future! I have seen miracle after miracle the power of my mind. What I think and envision will be revealed in time. The scenarios I have been envisioning and walking through the "script", I have to stop. Perhaps that will happen, but that is not for me to decide or predict. I need to come back to today, the present, and focus on me and my happiness and serenity. I have to go back and remember those shoes that are flung at me, some of them are going to hit me in the face. That's ok, I just have to get back up and dust myself off. I need to see everything that’s holding me back, every obstacle, every limitation as only temporary.

The Alphabet of Living in the Moment

I allowed the stress from this week get to me a bit. Thankfully I was able to recover quickly, and let go. I continue to strive to live in the moment of gratitude and keep it simple! A little trick I have been using lately is going through the alphabet and thinking of something positive or silly for each letter, to help me smile and ease the tension in my shoulders. I want that happiness to shine from within, but in order for that to happen I have to extinguish the negative and stressful thoughts that try to invade my every waking hour! 
So, let's sing our A, B, C's!

Appreciate yourself

Bounce on the bed

Create a blog

Dig in the garden

Explode a myth

Flabbergast a friend

Get up late

Help yourself to seconds

Imagine it and do it

Jump at the chance

Keep it simple

Leave your troubles behind

Meet someone new

Nourish your soul

Opt for ice cream

Play all day

Quench your desires

Revel at random 

Sing loudly, smile widely

Touch the sky

Uncork the champagne

Vamoose

Watch whatever you want

X-ercise your hear out!

Yearn for the best

Zip, zap, zing, and zone out

Breath

My mind is going in a hundred different directions today. Trying to take a deep breath and focus on the right here and right now. I find it comforting to close my eyes, take a deep breath, and say the serenity prayer slowly out loud. Then repeat as I feel pretty wound up! 
 

I'm always curious, where was I in my journey a year ago? It always helps me to put things in perspective to glace back at where I was a year ago. My awareness has been numbed a bit lately, and I'm not feeling very graceful in what I say, my relationships with others, and the decisions I make in what action I take in various situations. Today I feel off balance. I need to step back, breath, and try to reconnect with my higher power of my understanding. Having my nose buried in the computer for the last 12 weeks with work and school, I'm feeling a bit depleted.

Had an amazing meeting tonight about Serenity. Made me realize I need to reconnect with the serenity I love and so desperately need to keep my sanity. I will be working to put the things that are important to me back into my daily life when I'm done with this class in two weeks. Time to clog up my calendar with horse back riding, sewing, and planning lunches with my girlfriends, to name a few things.