Forgiveness is Key

A consistent message that has been crossing my path, forgiveness. For me that is the key of my happiness. When I can unlock that door and open it up to let the fresh air in to flush out the pain, anger and hurt, then I'm on the right path. In the daily reading today in CtoC it shares, "Every time I try to tighten the noose of resentment around someone's neck, I am really only choking myself. Today I will practice forgiveness instead."

I willingly put that noose around my neck for years, not realizing that was what I was doing. I don't want to cling to old resentments or create new ones, so I work hard to be in the moment and forgive freely. However, I will remember I can have boundaries to help keep my serenity and peace I have worked hard for.

What a gift to let it begin with me. The peace I've found by letting resentment go is a miracle. Be gentle with you. Love yourself. And use forgiveness as a key.

Just for Today

September 30^th daily reading from CtoC, I'd like to share.

“Just for today I can try out new behavior. I can take the point of view that perhaps I have been giving a life time to learn something about myself. Maybe life is a series of experiments in which some succeed and some fail – and in which the failures, as well as the successes, point the way to fresh experiments.

Just for today might try slightly changing some pattern of behavior that repeatedly causes me problems, just to see what happens. For example, if I have a habit of responding with a negative attitude to a particular person or situation – getting out of bed, working, requests for help, authority figures – I can try a different more positive response. I can think of it as research and learn from whatever happens.

This day is all I have to work with. The past is over, and tomorrow is out of my reach. I will try to remember what a great fit this day can be and make full use of it.

Today’s Reminder:

Just for today I will look for ways to enjoy life; stop by a garden, try a new hobby, or call a good friend. I can look for humor. I can savor love. I can explore something new. Maybe just for today, I’ll try standing on my head to see if I like the view.

'Just for today I will find a little time to relax and to realize what life is and can be; time to think about God and get a better perspective on myself.'  ~Alcoholism, the family disease”

I never want to forget where I have been or what I have been through. I don’t want to re-live ANY of it, but I don’t want to forget. The daily reading today really made me think back in the past when I had the disease in my face 24 hours a day for 17 years. I had an extremely negative attitude, not only verbally to those around me but in my head. My self-talk was horribly unacceptable and cruel. It was a dark way to live my life. At the time I didn’t realize I was so angry, sad, frustrated, fearful, hurt, and lonely. The light within me was just a flicker threatening to go out. Thankfully, despite the chaos I choose to live in but didn’t have the tools to leave, I did, however, have enough support and love from my family and a few friends that stuck by my side through those dark times. With that hope and love I received, even though I didn’t know how to accept it, it helped keep the light within me lit just enough so when I was ready to shift my perspective to more positive, just for that day or moment, I could.

The power of the mind and living in the moment, just for today, is truly amazing. I’m beyond grateful for the simple, but powerful program of Al-Anon that helped me see the beauty around me and be able to find the joy in life. Today, I not only stop by a garden, but love to grow a garden. I love to call and connect with my friends that mean the world to me. I have learned to love to laugh, in ALL situations. The joy laughter brings to my heart, actually brings happy tears to my eyes. Laughter is addictive to me, and I’m ok with that. Savoring love, has always been a passion of mine. Today, I’m learning a new level of savoring love. The butterflies in my stomach have gone crazy! My drive is driven by exploring new adventures, perspectives, and living life to the fullest ever second of this beautiful life. When I finally learned and realized I was wasting my life worrying about things that were out of my control or being fearful of the unknown, from that moment, I promised myself I would never waste another second!! I’m not perfect by any means, far from it actually, and have my moments that these old habits sneak in, but as soon as I realize what is going on (depends on how tired I am **wink**), I quickly try to find acceptance I’m human and not perfect, and then take action to get back on track in a positive direction.

If I focus on my struggles and my enemies, I will surely be defeated by them.

If I focus on my strengths and my loved ones, I will move mountains.

Jab, Cross, Duck!

I feel like I’m standing on the ledge of a cliff right now. I’m smiling, but inside I am feeling the pressure of all the balls I have in the air right now. I use to think I thrived on the thrill of having so much going on!! I have learned that I wasn’t thriving, I was surviving. I was avoiding any and everything hurtful or difficult in my life. I was lashing out and ducking when I could! Old habits are hard to change. Not impossible, but difficult to break that cycle. I’ve also learned that there are many, many cycles and repeat habits I practiced over, and over, and over for YEARS! Many of those cycles and habits were not positive or kind to myself or those around me.

My drive to work averages from 30 to 45 minutes one way, which gives me time to listen to music or think and contemplate the day and my thoughts. The other day I realized it is so easy to get caught in the wind storm of negativity all around us in this world. I sort of stopped watching the news last year, but only here and there to catch the traffic and weather, but when I do watch or read the news it is so riddled with corrupt, violence, and acts done by humans that are unimaginable! I didn’t realize how subconsciously that toxic and poisonous negativity can start to seep into one’s soul, without one even realizing!

I find I am tired and on the verge of being over whelmed when I get caught in that dark storm. My awareness of me entering that storm is much better now days then in the past. But sometimes the dark clouds are overhead before I truly notice and can take action to pull myself out the storm before it sucks me in completely. I have had a few days I just have no motivation or willingness to do anything. Or think positive. The thought of all the items I have put on my plate, becomes overwhelming and paralyzes me. Or I allow it to paralyze me. Similar to what I allowed fear to do to me for so many years. See old habits are tough to crack; I went from one paralyzer to another! On those days, I usually want to pull cloak over my head and hide from the world.

Those days were and can be dark, dark times, and feel like I am in quicksand and sticky mud that continue to pull me down and sink me deeper into that darkness. That's a tough place to be. I lived in that world for a lot of years. 

For me, I had to put a lot of footwork in to drag, scratch, pull, tears, and scream myself out of that muck. Although the storms never go away, they roll in and out of my life constantly. I do have a choice to let the storm get me down, or I can learn to dance in the storm. No matter how dark the situation is or how dark my thoughts are, I do have a choice of how I react and decide to live and how I want to feel in that moment. It is an act of taking the power back!! Taking a moment to put a smile on my face and the more I do that, the more my heart starts smile. I'm on a continuous journey of finding happiness, joy and peace in every moment of my life. How do I do that, I grip onto willingness, my faith, and I work to believe and see the beauty and positivity in the people places and things around me. I know sounds silly, but it really can be that simple. I didn’t believe it at first, but I try to take a deep breath, believe, and open my eyes and heart to see the world in a new perspective that serves me better. It just takes practice and willingness.

Even if I am feeling dark inside, if I can be one spark of light in this dark world, then I have done my part. And you can do the same, find the light within you and let it SHINE! The more of us that reach deep within us to find that inner light, the more we will get rid of the darkness in this world. The Sun always comes up tomorrow.

Accepting Love and Support

I have been writing quite a bit, but my perfectionism and lack of extra time have hindered me from shareing it here. All in due time. Thankfully there are no musts!

However, I would like to share today's reading from CtoC with you.

"The third step talks about placing my will and my life in the care of a higher power. For me, this power is a presence that loves me as I am, that accepts me with compassion on the bad days as well as the good. Once I have accepted that the destructive presence of another's alcoholism has affected my life, I need the benevolent influence of a Power untouched by this disease. What I do and turning over my will and my life is to become receptive to guidance; I become willing to accept the care of a Power greater than myself.

I think of this care as a source of love and support that surrounds me in my daily life. I do not need to earn it or to work for it; I need only be receptive to it. I continue to have a will to exercise and a life to live, but I do Sol bathed in a light of love and understanding.

Today's Reminder
When I open my heart to a power that fills me with love and acceptance, I can begin to extend those qualities to others. I may not do it perfectly or even consistently, but I can recognize my progress one day at a time."

I can recognize my progress one day at a time and I'm beyond words grateful for my life and the amazing people that are in my life. My life is truly a miracle.

Taking Risks

It has been one of the best Thanksgiving holiday weekends I can remember! I am beyond grateful for my family and my true friends that have been by my side thru this journey, both near and miles away. Thank you for your support! I am and will forever be grateful. 

What hasn't changed, I had just about every minute planned with meeting up with family and/or friends! But what has changed is I did not feel stressed out about the hectic schedule, instead looked forward to each get together and did really well living in the moment while I was with each person. That is a lot of growth for me as I either was drowning in the past or living in the wreckage of the future! Looking back all those years, I missed out on the gifts right in front of me. I have promised myself I am taking that power back and will no longer waste my energy on the past or future, because I want to relish in the gifts and lessons my Higher Power shares with me today.

This weekend has demonstrated the power and importance of me making the choice to live in the moment and keep it simple, not only with my actions and words, but also with my self-talk can be a miracle. 

"Today I can risk being myself. I don't have to live up to anyone's image. All I have to do is be me." CtoC p334

Someday is Today

Although a short week, it has been really busy! I have a long "to do" list I want to accomplish. I was feeling a little over whelmed with my long list, so I picked up my daily reader, Courage to Change to help put my mind in a better perspective. It was perfect, and I would like to share with you.

"Before coming to Al-Anon, I had built a lifetime of dreams and promises that were reserved for that one special day called, "Someday." Someday I'll begin --- or end -- that project. Someday I'll call that friend with whom I've lost touch. Someday I'll let them know how I feel. Someday I'll be happy. I'm going to take that trip, find that job, speak my mind. Someday. Just wait and see.

Wait -- just as I waited for the alcoholic to come in from a binge, and for inspiration to bring interesting friends and career opportunities to my doorstep, and for everybody else to change. But Al-Anon has helped me to see that today can be the Someday I've always wanted. There isn't enough time in these twenty-four hours to do everything I've ever hoped to do, but there is time to start making my dreams come true. By asking my Higher Power for guidance and by taking some small step in the direction of my choice, I will be able to accomplish more than I would ever have thought possible.

Today's Reminder
Today I will not wait for the blue moon, a rainy day, the 366th day of the year, or Someday to accomplish good things in my life.

'Each indecision brings its own delays and days are lost lamenting over lost days... What you can do or think can do, begin it. For boldness has Magic, Power, and Genius in it.' ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe"
It blows my mind all the time how powerful these readings can be and speak directly to me about what is going on right now in my life. I swear the text really starts out, Dear Simply Me!

This reading talks about taking small steps in the right direction, and I did that exact thing in the beginning. One baby step at a time, when I was ready. I am proud looking back, I always pushed myself to go outside my comfort zone to improve my character, to improve the choices I made, to improve the way I thought of the world around me and myself, to improve even when I failed. I could go on and on.

Today I have taken my life back. I am experiencing more often those days that are like a blue moon, one of a kind! I took steps today to start a game plan of making goals for myself. Both short term and long term. I get all giddy thinking about it!!  A little overwhelming, but have a good start to get some ideas on paper. Then I can start mapping out how I am going to financially make it all happen! I am excited about the future and looking forward to making my dreams a reality. Although it feels like I have taking large leaps in the last few months instead of baby steps, I still have days were I have to scale it back and just take a baby step. Also remembering to breath and do what I can.

I am accomplishing more than I ever thought was possible!

Learning to Live

Courage to Change shared today, "When I was dealing with alcoholism without the help of Al-Anon, I developed coping skills.These are no longer enough. Al-anon is teaching me a new and better set of skills. I will try to be patient with myself. I'm doing fine."

Although heart breaking to live with active alcoholism, I never would of reached this powerful turning point in my life without learning to live with active alcoholism.  I am forever grateful for the gift a dear friend gave me in helping me walk into the rooms of Al-anon. The tools and support continue to help me walk the powerful path of finding myself and learning to live! I am also forever grateful for H and will always have a special place in my heart for him. He will be ok.
I will be ok.

Milestones

With the world shifting drastically around me, I haven't had a lot of energy to share here. However, I had a productive and spiritually peaceful day today. Now I can't seem to sleep and I was drawn to my blog to share. THEN I realized, oh my, this weekend marks my three year anniversary in Bloggerville! Milestones have always been important to me, in the respect it helps me keep life in perspective. In past years, milestones would possibly cause me sadness and my view of them could really bring me down. As the years go by, I certainly feel I have a different perspective and respect for milestones. They allow me to take inventory of myself. Am I headed in the direction I want to be going? Do I have have faith and trust myself, as well as trusting my HP? Am I accomplishing the goals I set out to conqueror? Am I painting a picture and laying the foundation of my life to ensure I live and capture my happiness each day?

To answer these questions and take my life to the next level, I had to close the book of a deep and loving relationship close to my heart and soul. As I look back and read through some of my earlier posts, I sit back and am honestly in awe the journey I have walked in the last few years. The power of journalling and sharing the challenges and successes, is truly a miracle in its self. There are so many moments in our lives, it is impossible to remember them all! What a powerful way to help capture a few of those moments, I might otherwise have forgotten or tucked away in a memory buried beneath other memories. I am filled with gratitude today. My heart is sad, but strong today.

"Living with joys and problems affirms my membership in the human race. What sets me apart is the path on which I have been placed to walk. No one can walk it for me, nor can I change my path to suit anyone else." CtoC

"The shell that had enclosed my life, that had prevented me from living and loving, has cracked, and the power of the Al-Anon program is filling the void that for years kept me at a distance from life." ~As We Understood...

Here is to resting peacefully tonight like my precious pup so easily does... Pleasant dreams my friends!

Positive Change Comes with Courage

Yesterday's read in Courage to Change reminded me of several of my friends that have dug deep and found the courage and ability to be honest with themselves to make choices that are changing their lives in big and wonderful ways! Several of my dear friends have accepted new opportunities in other states and have recently moved or are in the process of moving. Although I am selfishly sad to see them go, I am thrilled and ecstatic for this new adventure they are about to begin! I have also had the privilege to watch them blossom into amazing women that are aware and understand the action of self-care. I am so proud of these ladies! The interesting part, I just don't feel as though we are saying goodbye. Yes there will be many miles between us, but I feel so close to these ladies and with the technology today, the world is much smaller and we can stay in touch.

As always, the readings speak for themselves, so I would like to share from June 23rd reading.

"The courage to be honest with ourselves is one quality we can cultivate to help our spiritual growth. It takes a commitment to honesty to admit that someone we love has a drinking problem, that alcoholism and many other things are beyond our control, that there is a source of help greater than ourselves, and that we need the care of that Higher Power.

Honesty allows us to look at ourselves, to share our discoveries with God and others, to admit that we need spiritual help in moving forward, and to free ourselves by making amends for past wrongs.

We need to be truthful with ourselves as we continue to review our attitudes and actions each day. This allows us to be humble enough to reach out to others as equals, and to continue to grow in every area of our lives. Where do we find the courage to be so honest with ourselves? The courage to change the things we can is found in our continuously-developing relationship with a Power great than ourselves.

Today's Reminder
I know that honesty is an essential part of the Twelve Steps. I am willing to be more honest with myself today.  'Where is there dignity unless there is honesty?' ~Marcus Tullius Cicero"

This reading spoke to me personally as well. I recently looked back at a few past journals, as I read I could feel the pain and struggles like they were yesterday. There are still struggles and pain today, but I feel more grounded through the power of courage and honesty to myself and to everyone around me. The view is more clear, I don't know the answers, but I have a better understanding of who I am today, the path I have walked, and who I want to continue to be as a person. I feel that is pretty amazing spiritual growth. The other piece of growth I am proud of lately is my ability to allow myself choices. I am a very practical person, and never take a decision lightly.  In fact I have felt that this strength of mine has many times been my worst enemy and worst character defect, because I will take it the extreme of OVER analyzing the situation and never getting to the point of making a decision or taking action. However, through the courage and honesty of my recovery I have learned that working through my awareness and acceptance is a vital part, and there is no time frame for me to work through that portion. But there must be a point, when I am ready to take that action and move forward with a decision. No matter how small, mundane, or huge, life altering that decision is, it doesn't always have to be set in stone. It doesn't have to be black and white. But what I do have to do, is take action and not just twiddle my thumbs on the fence hoping something or someone else's decision will help me make my choice. Nope, I have to take that step with my own courage towards my own happiness. Taking that power back from the world brings a smile to my face and heart. I am truly loving life today and looking forward to making the best of it, right now in the moment! 

Today's Reminder

"When I concentrate on my personal progress, The difficulties over which I have no control will iron themselves out." ~The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage

I needed this reminder today.

On a positive note! I did not plan to stay up last night for the Lunar Eclipse, but someone in the neighborhood decided to launch fireworks about midnight, which happen to be the ideal time to see the Moon turn the red tinge here in the desert. So I stepped outside with my new point and shoot T2 Olympus, and took this photo. Not to bad!!

 

Peace in my Heart

Looking back at my last few posts, I recognize despite my effort to live for the moment and grasp my gratitude, my days have felt dark and heavy on my heart. I have shed many tears as I try to shed grief and pain. I have grown a little over the last few years in attempt to not absorb as much of other's negativity, shame, guilt, or any other feelings that are not mine; however, when that blanket of troublesome is heavy and constantly draped over my shoulders, it becomes difficult to rise above. It slowly seeps into my mind, heart, and then dreadfully into my soul. Today I can say with a deep sigh of relief, that blanket of dread is lifting slightly. Those around me that make the choice to suffer in their own abusive thoughts, have started to open their eyes slowly to other thoughts and actions to ease the tension. Watching that transformation, no matter how small or subtle, is a powerful act to watch and provides a feeling of gratitude with the burden lessening slightly.

After reading the CtoC reading today, I see notes from when I read this same page just last year. Interesting I can be in a similar place just a year ago and this same reading can help me find the peace in my heart today. I would like to share with you.

It's time I started being nicer to myself. The voices in my head that tell me I'm not good enough do not speak the truth; they merely reflect the damaged self-esteem that results from living with alcoholism. When I recognize that fact, I can tell them to be quiet! I will no longer listen!

Al-Anon recovery has given me gentler, loving thoughts. These remind me that I am lovable and I can learn to love myself. When I open my mind enough to hear that message, I can begin to hear all the other wonderful sounds of life, and the abusive thoughts vanish.

Today's Reminder
Treating myself with kindness and respect helps me to challenge my own self-criticism. Today I will pay particular attention to any voice that speaks lovingly.

'We need to learn to live, to focus on something good or useful to our lives and let the rest of the world go about its business.'

I am grateful today that my mind is open to hear this message. To hear that gentler inner voice that I am worth it. I deserve to treat myself with kindness, respect, and love. Let it begin with me. Let that peace seep into my heart, bringing a smile to my lips and followed with laughter accompanied with tears of relief, that help me to heal and share a little piece of recovery and peace with others. 

My Heart is Sad

I am sad and feel hurt today. I am grateful for the readings that are exactly what I need to hear in the moment. From CtoC page 339, "I am a complex, fascinating human being with a wide range of emotions, experiences, and thoughts." I have to remind myself of that, I don't just have one feeling one at a time, it can be a cocktail (no pun intended) of emotions at one time. I am complex and I am learning to value each of those components. "And I can experience sadness and still be confident that I will be happy again." (CtoC, p 339.) In  my heart I know I am responsible for my own happiness, and I will continue to take steps to renew that drive and apply to get me back on track. Today, I will allow myself to feel the sadness and grieve. It has to begin with me. I can't wait for someone else to be there next to me, walking the path with me. That makes me sad, but it's the truth. Keep me in your prayers tonight, I need the positive energy. I am handing it over to HP. Let her do for me what I can not do for myself.

God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference.

"Life, for all its agonies... is exciting and beautiful, amusing and artful and endearing... and whatever is to come after it-- we shall not have this life again." ~Rose Macaulay 

Home Movies

Good Morning! I woke up with dawn this morning, tired but thought I could use this time to sit and read a few minutes before racing off to work. Since this week is official Fall on the calendar, I'm excited that the weather is right in line with beautiful low 70s in the morning. Gorgeous!

The garden is going crazy!! It's been several weeks now and everything has sprouted, except the green onions. I wonder if my seeds were bad. Oh well, I have time to try some different seeds. I did plant my some staggered lettuce and radishes this past weekend, so hopefully this year we will have salads all the time and not ALL at once. Live and Learn. Something really awesome happened when I was planting those seeds this past weekend. A beautiful green humming bird flew right up to me, looked at me, then went straight to the flowers I strategically planted in my garden. I love the humming birds and ours are so friendly! It was a really neat moment.

Another exciting thing that happened last weekend, our little hiking group started hiking the Arizona Trail. My Mom wanted to do something epic in her life, which I thought was pretty cool. The thought of hiking the Arizona Trail, all 800+ miles of it, is a bit overwhelming! However, if you take bit by bit, it's doable. HA! Just like everything else. After starting with a small hike on Saturday, it puts everything in perspective. We did start a blog if you would like to join us in our Journey down the trail.

Finally, I'd like to share the reading I did from Courage to Change from today's reading.

"An Al-anon friend says, 'I have a tendency to think of my experience with alcoholism as an epic, technicolor movie, an extravaganza with my name in lights on the marquee, but it's not really like that. It's really just home movies.' From time to time I have shared my friend's exaggerated vision, though of course when I did, the name in lights was my own.

I came to this program with a story to tell that seemed to splash across every inch of a very wide screen. I told it and told it, until one day I noticed that I was sitting in a room with others, showing home movies.

Today I feel happy to be there as part of the show, but my role has changed. I am no longer the martyr, bravely sacrificing myself to the cold, cruel world of melodrama. Realism has taken over. My role is important, but not unique, and I don't expect to see it in lights.

Today's Reminder: 
Al-Anon has given me an opportunity to share my home movies with others. My situation is neither the best nor the worst. Although I am unique in some ways, I am more like others than I ever suspected. I will appreciate this sense of fellowship today.

'... as we learn to place our problems in its true perspective, we find it loses its power to dominate our thoughts and our lives.' Suggested Al-Anon/Alateen welcome"

I could really relate to this reading today. I do play a different role in my home movie, and I'm forever grateful for that shift in a positive direction. I was the star of martyr-ism! Now I can just be me. That is very refreshing at times. Although, it can be very difficult as well, but I work through those times. I'm grateful I can share my stories, successes and chaos times to help put each one in perspective with you and those in the rooms of Al-Anon. Although things are a bit hectic right now and the tides are changing, I feel an eerie calmness. I say eerie, but it really is a blessing to be able to live life in a much calmer way. Not letting stress and crazy run my life. Realism has taken over. Not always a pretty picture, but truth and honesty is a better way to live for me and those around me. 

The Beast Within

I can remember sensing and seeing the Beast crawling underneath his skin, trying desperately to rear its ugly head. Although the Beast within was a part of him, I was not able to separate the man from the Beast. I had lost all compassion for both. I can remember the efforts I made, the energy spent in attempt to wrangle that monster and prevent it from coming to the surface. I would drown in a sea of overwhelmed emotions in an attempt to manipulate the situation, choking with anger and fear while having the false impression I knew the best choice to make in each situation. All of this in an attempt to avoid the paralyzing fear that came when the Beast rose to the surface. Alcoholism is the ugly Beast slowing taking over the man within.

The Beast still rumbles under the surface, craving and itching to rise to bring down the man it lives within, the world, and the people around it to satisfy its shame, guilt and grief. Although the Beast still has an active presence, the frequencies of the visits have lessened. I contribute some of the decline partially to my new choices to take back the power over my feelings and reactions I use to so easily hand over to the Beast. Also just as powerful in keeping the Beast at bay, are the choices that the man has made to keep the Beast in check. It is said that the disease of alcoholism cannot be cured but it can be harassed and put in check to live a fulfilled life. I truly believe that, partly because I have personally known friends that have many years of recovery and sobriety. Another perspective are the ones that have not found help or have not made the choice to connect with their HP to find a way to live a fulfilled life while living with the disease of alcoholism. Or another perspective, which is my reality, when the man struggles and works hard to make better choices to live a better life while still having the inner struggle with the Beast, without help and fighting the war alone. That Beast is always going to be there, temping and rippling under the surface, but it can be tamed and put to bed, if the man is willing to reach out for help.

I find it fascinating when the Beast does explode from the surface I personally react differently then I have in the past. Also, I realized that perhaps I do not even realize or acknowledge when the Beast arrives and tries to take down the world around me. Again, I am not giving the Beast power over me. In the past I can remember it would instantly trigger defensive behavior and an energy that was completely devoted to wrangling the Beast back to its den. My thoughts, feelings, and energy would be completely dedicated to that effort for days; simply exhausting and always proved ineffective. The manipulation through my words and actions, mixed with fear and pain as a result of the choices the Beast would make during those visits. The illusion of control and denial state I lived in that I could of actually wrangled the Beast, looking back that was absolutely absurd and part of what made me insane.

When I finally learned that I needed to wrangle my own fear and anger, this realization helped me become aware of my own actions and choices. It was life changing to come to realization that I needed to focus on myself instead of the Beast or the man. After finding this awareness, I slowly learned that I was allowing the Beast to run my life. Not only did my realization help me be aware of what made me who I am, but also a new found compassion for the Beast that allowed me to learn to love the man that was closely connected but separate from the monster. Although I still take precautions to protect myself from the Beast, who as I said ripples below the surface today, I work hard to no longer let it hurt or paralyze me with fear. That is a choice I make.