Fired Up

A post I started the other day but just now finding the time to sit down and finish...

Overall I'd say I'm a pretty level headed person when it comes to many situations. However, there have been a number of situations in the past that were deeply affected by the family disease of alcoholism that I was not level headed. In fact, I can remember instantly feeling my blood pressure rising as the other person spoke or a situation was discussed that I was having a difficult time with. Although over the past couple of years I've been able to just about eliminate these inner rages, or fires, that would eventually erupt outwardly towards who ever fell victim to my actions or words. I'm sad to say I had one of those boiling points this week. 

Let's start off that I woke up tired. Bad start and should of been a red flag for me to stay in the zone to keep myself in check. As the slogan H.A.L.T. says, if I'm hungry, angry, lonely, or tired I need to address one, some, or all of these before doing ANYTHING! Today, I still went to Bootcamp and had an intense workout. I pushed myself, but also was aware of my limitations today. Being tired and the main factor it was hot and HUMID. Despite taking it easy, I think I still got a little warm. So I've just felt "off" all day. Work was slow, so we had an early day. I'm really grateful for that!

Here's where my inner fire started. Earlier this week, I called our local vet we have been going to for a number of years now to try to get a refill on an antibiotic prescription for JJ. The same symptoms for his mouth are starting to pop up again. Instead of waiting like we did last time I wanted to get a head start before he went down hill. However, needless to say the vet wanted to see him first. I understand were the vets office is coming from and they have policies. In this case, it doesn't make any sense to me. I know he is old. The vet(s) at the hospital have discussed unless I want to pull a second mortgage on my house, I can't fix the core problem the little guy has with his teeth. Therefore, I discussed with the vet and we decided a couple times a year I can afford to purchase the antibiotics to help with his quality of life these last few years. Apparently, that was not what the vet meant. Nope, they want us to spend the $45-$50 each time I need that prescription just to walk through their doors. Then I need to pay for the prescription on top of that. I also can understand they are in the business to make money; however, there is nothing else I can do for the little guy, except the antibiotics. I'm not paying the office fee to have them tell me what we already know and to write a prescription. They are kind people in the that office and honestly believe they care for the animals; however, I get the sense the business side has taken over their good judgement in my opinion. Needless to say, we will most likely not be going back to that vets office. I do realize H and I already have a slightly skewed view of animal hospitals, so I'm sure that doesn't help in this situation. In addition, one of H's long time friend's spouse works there and I've had an up and down relationship with this gal. After I hit that boiling point while discussing the situation with H, I realized with a bit of shame that I had jumped right back into my old behaviors and allowed H to help me walk right down that path! Aggggg!

Time to focus on the principles and refocus. Today, several days after this actually happened. The boiling point has dissipated. There have been numerous situations over the years that I made an effort to be-friend wives of H's friends. 99% of the time it was a forced situation and didn't work out. I could tolerate the relationship for an afternoon or evening while we were hanging out; however, that was usually the extent of the relationship. Which I learned was fine. A friendship can't be one way, I've learned that a few times the hard way and still working through those layers of my recovery with a couple of individuals. This specific gal this week, I feel I've completely let go of any notion there is a friendship that goes both ways. I let that go many years ago. However, I feel H has not let that go and continues to try to build that bridge. Simply something else for him to focus on instead of himself. I feel because I was tired the other day, I let my boundaries down and jumped right into that arena with H who was frustrated with his friend's wife and the vet situation. Just like old times I went along with the craziness!

I found the whole situation an excellent reminder that I don't like that behavior in myself anymore. Today I can re-focus! Conveniently the reading in Courage to Change today was perfect for my re-focus! It describes that part of the Al-Anon closing states, "though you may not like all of us, you'll love us in a very special way-the same way we already love you." The reading goes onto say, "In other words, every Al-Anon meeting can be an opportunity to practice placing principles above personalities."  This reading was perfect for me today. It was such a relief to me that I don't have to like everyone and I don't have to try to make everyone like me. For many years, I exerted a lot of energy working on both of those. Simply exhausting. Today when I find I don't care for someone or their actions, I can remind myself that this is the perfect opportunity to dig deeper and find the strength to recognize the common thread that pulled us together in this life. Focusing on this instead of the negative thoughts or actions help me respect myself and to remember my willingness to accept the other person for who they are without trying to paint them into somebody else. Today's reminder shares, "I will keep an open mind toward each person I encounter today. If I am ready to learn, anyone can be my teacher." I will keep that open mind and open heart today, practice my boundaries, and focus on placing those principles before personalities.

I'm really looking forward to today's activities! I'm spending the day with a couple of girlfriends from my Bootcamp class for some shopping and lunch. Have a wonderful Sunday!

Tea Time

One of my favorite moments of the day is right now. My husband is asleep and resting. I'm curled up in the recliner with my laptop, sipping my "sleep time" tea with a little raw honey stirred in. With the puppies laying next to me and who occasionally glance at me with the look, "Are we going to bed yet?" It's a good relaxing time for me to reflect on the day.

It was a busy day, but good. I love being home. The wind is blowing like crazy outside! I believe there is a little system blowing through, but I haven't seen any clouds, just a lot of wind.

I didn't have any aha moments today. Which is ok. However, I did enjoy the daily reading in Courage to Change.

"We all make mistakes. But hopefully, as we apply Al-Anon program and continue to grow in self-awareness, we will learn from those mistakes. Amends can be made for any harm we've done, ad we can change our behavior and attitudes so that we won't repeat the same errors. Thus, even painful past experiences can help us learn to create a better future.

The greatest obstacle to this learning process is shame. Shame is an excuse to hate ourselves today for something we did or didn't do in the past. There is no room in a shame-filled mind for the fact that we did our best at the time, no room to accept that as human beings we are bound to make mistakes.

If I feel ashamed, I need a reality check because my thinking is probably distorted. Even though it may take great courage, if I share about it with an Al-Anon friend, I will interrupt the self-destructive thoughts and make room for a more loving and nurturing point of view. With a little help, I may discover that even my most embarrassing moments can bless my life by teaching me to turn in a more positive direction.

Today's Reminder: Today I will love myself enough to recognize shame as an error in judgement.

"The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love, which includes not only others but ourselves as well." Elisabeth Kubler-Ross"

I find it extremely comforting to read these books everyday. They help me tremendously to take what's in my head and continue to sort and organize the thoughts and memories that still need to be twisted and turned to fit into the puzzle I am working on. For me I believe it is key to have the self-awareness and willingness to accept when I've made a mistake or was in the wrong. Then to find the courage to make the amend. I didn't necessarily realize, until I read the reading today that I did, and still do, have a little shame that lingers for past actions I've done. I find that shame tends to rear it's ugly head, and until today didn't necessarily have a name, when I start to ponder and fret about the things I did not do. Today, I find it is easier for me to let go of mistakes that I've actually done, made amends to myself and others and then I can generally move on. However, those things or actions that I didn't take because of various reasons, such as fear or to busy meddling in someone else's business, those are the pieces of the puzzle that I hold in my tight fist and beat myself up with shame! 

Perhaps I have some "actions" to take! If I fail or it doesn't work out, it appears that I'm easier on myself when I at least try. Instead of beating myself up later for not even taking that step! Maybe I typed an error and I am having an aha moment tonight.

My amazing tea is gone and I need to get to bed as I have Bootcamp dark and early. So I will sleep on this thought, and pray on it. I'll just keep working on the power of unconditional love and practicing the concept of applying it, to others and myself. 

Good night!