Revealing

The weekend ended up being quite nice. I had the opportunity to spend a lot of the time with my parents. I cherish both of them very much and grateful for the quality time.

I know I have shared before, it is difficult for me to just exist in the moment, with myself. I always had a hard time sitting still physically, for as long as I can remember. Even if I managed to sit still, my mind was going in a hundred different directions at warp speed. I had several opportunities this weekend to sit and rest my mind. I had to put the breaks on my thoughts several times. It was extremely uncomfortable and, honestly, exhausting! I realize that doesn't make any sense. How is it exhausting to rest my body and mind? Probably because I am working hard to keep it in check. The slogan, Easy Does It came to mind.

I must be working through another layer of healing, as I shed many tears this weekend. I learned in the rooms of Al-Anon, that when my heart is open, my eyes leak. Seemed the littlest thing would trigger my tears either by seeing certain things, hearing something shared by another person, a simple text message, or even me sharing something with someone else. Perhaps that is why I am exhausted, not from working to still my mind. Part of this layer of healing I feel has to do with wishing for something or someone that I don't have. For years, I have struggled with wishing for things that are not.  That was an old habit that poisoned my life. As I continue to learn about myself, I believe I fell into that thinking trap, since that is how H lived and breathed his life.

Today I believe and work hard to practice that I have everything I need and nothing that I don't. Reminds me of an amazing song by ZBB. Despite my awareness, I find I still drink that poison from time to time.

Being outside my comfort zone starts to also reveal my vulnerabilities! Finding the courage to expose those vulnerabilities and insecurities seems to dissolve some of the power they hold over me. Still terrifying, but I know it is a healthy step in the right direction for me. A dear friend of mine opened up a gym last October and is doing an amazing job growing her business to help ladies walk the path of finding their confidence and reach their health goals. Last week she sent out a challenge for members to do a video testimonial that was under 3 mins. The winner of the challenge gets a $100 spa day gift card. The competitive side of me was in the driver seat and promised to create a creative video message. I want that spa day. All my insecurities were screaming from the backseat and basically hung on for dear life through the ride. With the help of my amazing sister and her man, we put together a humorous video that shares a small part of my journey. Someday I will find the courage to share with you.

The ground has felt a little unfamiliar and uneven lately as I charter into new territories. As fear tries to strangle me, I work hard to breath and dissipate that fear and replace it with faith! I am grateful my HP balances out my struggles with miracles. I strongly believe they are tied together, but I don't realize that until after the fact. Anyhow, a few things I have misplaced or lost in the last few months were revealed to me this weekend. A few months ago my Fitbit fell off, I thought while I was out and about. I was pretty bummed, as that simple little thing helped step up my motivation in my exercising last year! I did end up treating myself by upgrading to a new and improved one that tracks my heart rate. I am LOVING that while I exercise. After my Mom and I were done sorting through my fabric and taking inventory, we were putting the boxes away, and right there on the floor, was my old Fitbit! I could not believe it! The second little miracle, I have a spare mail key I keep in my car. However, it went missing the other day. Instead of panicking and getting upset, I took a deep breath and let it go. Praying it would show up soon so I didn't have to get the locks changed. This weekend I was cleaning my car inside and out, there under the seat was the key! I know these sound simple, but just these little items showing up unexpectedly was a positive experience.

You Can Do Anything But Not Everything

If I am completely honest with myself, life it truly amazing and I am beyond blessed today!! I continue to try hard to put myself in situations that are outside my comfort zone to help me grow, stretch, and expand myself while using the tools I am learning. I admit there are days I cringe with uncomfortable awkwardness in certain situations or even just the thought of putting myself in a situation. I am just grateful it is progress not perfection. I also try to hand it over to my HP to aid me in doing and saying the right thing.

Over time as I become more aware of my journey and what is going on within my life, I realize I have to work hard to pay attention to what messages my Higher Power has to offer me as I become ready for those messages. There are times when I continue to be bombarded with a specific message. Generally, I interpret that as something I should be really paying attention to OR I have not been paying close enough attention to hear the message, so my HP has to repeat it MULTIPLE times before, I pause, think to myself, "Hey, I keep seeing and hearing this same message.... I should probably pay attention and think about this." That has been me the last few weeks. I keep tossing new tasks and events onto my plate, without subtracting anything. I just keep adding. Typical behavior for me. It is something I have repeated over, and over, and over again for years. The competitive side of me comes out that is eager to "win" and prove those that doubt or criticize are wrong! But also the other side of my competitive side to prove to myself I can do it!! Also I convince myself that I am happiest when I am doing "ALL THE THINGS"!!! Since a little girl, I didn't feel like I was living life to the fullest unless I was cramming as many things, events, and thoughts into one day as I could! I know I inherited this trait from my dear Mother, who does the same thing. We run with this mentality for as long as we can, until we crash and burn. We stand up, whip ourselves off, and do it all over again. With that said, since I have brought more awareness of who I am and what makes me tick, I have tried to find a balance of fitting in all the things that I love to do. To focus on the people, places, and things that bring me pure happiness. To shift my energy on important items, instead of trying to spread myself thin to satisfying all of the people, places, and things around me! Let's just say, although I have the awareness, it is a work in progress, everyday. This cramming everything into every second of my life is second nature to me. In order to break that life time pattern, I have to be AWARE of it all the time. I'll be honest, that is exhausting in it's self!! So I feel it is a double sided sword! ***Big Sigh***

Ok, I feel that I am rambling.

Let me try to re-focus here.  The message that has been popping up in different ways is, "You can do anything, but not everything!" That does a good job of summarizing the different messages that have come across my path the last couple of weeks. I need to remember to breath in my gratitude and faith, while exhaling my fear and doubt of myself.

I worked hard this weekend, to take a few minutes out for myself to just relax. Not stress or focus on the "task list" that is a mile long. But to just exist and sit with myself. That is very difficult for me to sit still and not have my mind race a hundred miles an hour. To allow myself to meditate and pray. There was an hour or so that I accomplished this, the rest of the time was spending quality time with friends, family, and conquering one of the toughest mountain peaks in southern AZ, Picacho Peak!

Here a few photos from our hike:

Cables to help steep trail

View from half way up - Clouds looked like waves

We conquered the Peak!

Steep crevasse on the trail... terrifying part of the trail... also caused traffic jam

Flowers blooming

One of the views from the top

Onto a another tanget... A dear friend, asked me a question the other day that really provoked some thought. The question was if today was my last day on this earth, did I do it right? My initial thought was yes, I have lived a blessed life and I did the best I could with the tools I have. Then, as usual there was a nagging thought, that no I didn't do it right. There are some thoughts that have been unspoken lately in my heart. I would regret not speaking those if it was my last day. I need to ask my questions and inquire to this friend, but I am paralyzed by fear. Terrified of rejection. Same shit different day. There are so many layers, upon layers of these toxic thoughts and behaviors that I practiced for so many years, I say a prayer that my HP will continue to give me courage and the strength to continue walking this journey forward. To help free my heart from these toxic behaviors that don't serve me well anymore.

Tears come to my eyes today, which tells me my heart is open. I am continuing to heal through the friendships and fellowship I work hard to build and nurture. I am sure I am not doing it perfectly, but I am giving my all; heart and soul to those that mean the world to me. I feel at a cross road in a few areas of my life. I have been at this intersection before; however, the view is very different this time around. The signs are different. The air is clearer. The beautiful clouds are puffy, white, and filled with beauty. While the sun shines bright. The invitation to take a leap of faith down any of the paths is there and inviting, I just have to step forward and try one. Where as in the past, this intersection was dark and toxic, with dark and dangerous storms rolling through, making the visibility almost zero. It was a terrifying place to sit. In fact, I usually went back the way I came and avoided that interection for years.  Getting back to today and the different more sunny view of the intersection, I am grateful for my pause, I don't have to choose which road today. I am not quite ready. It is more inviting and I don't feel I need to retreat and turn my back. I am close and want to be willing. I will continue to do the best I can right now, with my willingness and connection with my HP, I will find the courage and strength to make a decision.

I know I have been vague in my share. But there are so many examples, I don't even know where to begin. Here are a few of the vehicles that sit at this intersection... relationships, business adventures, education, my life style, my home... to name a few. The beauty of this journey, I have been able to put aside much of the garbage I insisted on focusing on, so today I have time to focus on the productive and REAL growth. However, it is terrifying, but I know will be rewarding beyond my imagination.

I will pray for focus. "I can do anything, but not everything"

The Fog is Clearing...

After a restful night and back to my positive daily routine, I feel much better today! I am almost back to 100% of feeling like I can take over the world! Another good nights rest and surrounding myself with people I love and people that help lift me up in life.

I took a step back after yesterday and did some reflecting on how it made me feel. It blows my mind how deeply I am affected by certain people and how I allow it to affect me in such a negative way. They have no clue what they do. For years I allowed their unacceptable behaviors to affect the way I thought and felt. I allowed them to poison my heart, mind, and soul. The combination of my anxiousness in anticipation of the task and seeing these individuals yesterday, then the actual interactions, had me in a tail spin back to my old thinking and the stress knot in my stomach. I have a special place in my heart for these people, but it was a reminder that for my sanity and serenity, I have to continue to detach physically and emotionally. I have some more healing to do before I have another interaction. I know someday maybe I can have future interactions, if I want too, but not today.

Yesterday, I was in tears by the end of the day with the drowning feeling of being overwhelmed! It was like a flash back to 7 or 8 years ago. I literally wanted to physically throw up I was so upset. It even started to bleed and poison my thoughts of other areas in my life! The power of my mind to allow other people the power to make me feel that ill. The horrible part, they have no clue of their unacceptable behavior and it is not my place to tell them. However, it is my place to take care of ME. I had to walk through that fire to get to the other side. Always tough and can be painful, but it is worth getting to the other side.

My confidence is coming back and life is good again!

Just for Today...

A few things happened today that stirred up some unwanted feelings. Before the stink-in thinking committee could get into full session, I called my sponsor. Then I had my scheduled massage. Absolutely heaven! The masseur (M) I had today did a wonderful job. Although M has a fairly new energy, it is positive and filled with healing powers. M is also very professional. Anytime I get a massage I focus on relaxing and dreaming of places I love to be. I fill my mind with images of the beach in Hawaii or Rocky Point, with the waves gently crashing on the beach. Other images I find relaxing is the sound of the breeze rustling through pine trees while I sit and take a deep breath. I love the pine scent. My favorite is visualizing going for a leisure horse back ride through the pine trees or on the beach. When I work on those images in my mind, I can be in the moment and enjoy the massage. I deserve it and I am worth it.

Today I realized I still have a deep dark shadow of dread that lives within in me. The dread of what I do not have control over. Although I have worked very diligently to Let go and Let my HP, I still have that thread of a shadow within my heart and soul. I suppose that monster will always be within me as long as I am living with someone that suffers from the disease. Today that dread tried to wiggle it's ugly head to the surface. Luckily I recognized the warning signs of my character defects and could take action before I was turned inside out. I am powerless. I am powerless over people, places, and things. Let go and let my HP, helps relieve that dread and tension. The Serenity Prayer also helps me slow down and stop. It also helps me remember to come back to now. I try to remember to wiggle my toes to remind me to be, right here, right now and this moment.

God, grant me the serenity,

To accept the things I can not change, 

Courage to change the things I can, and

Wisdom to know the difference.

I came across the following Just for today's that I really liked. Slightly different than than the Just for Today's in Al-Anon, but still simple and also positive action items I can work towards.

Just for today, do not worry

Just for today, do not anger

Just for today, be grateful

Just for today, do your work honestly

Just for today, be kind to all living things

Little Bluegrass filled with Treasures!

I had a busy, but wonderful weekend. Saturday started out rocky, I woke up with a splitting headache. However, I was able to get rid of it to enjoy the rest of the day with a dear friend. We drove up north to the annual Bluegrass Festival in Prescott. It was a very relaxing and fun day! Great bands, delicious picnic lunch, and some shopping that allowed us to go home with some new treasures. 


There were several great bands! I'll let them share for themselves.

We both really liked the Burnett Family.

We also enjoyed Ryan Shupe & the Rubberband. They were very entertaining!

You can check out more about them on their website.

We did some exploring of the local shops and we did find some treasures! A quick back story. The beginning of the month, last time I was in Prescott for another event, I ended up purchasing a Himalayan salt lamp. I do believe in the power of the energy that surrounds us everyday. Welcome to my H.P. Anyhow, the gal that was selling the lamps at the craft show we stumbled upon was sharing all the benefits of this beautiful salt rock. I am by no means a scientist, so bare with me on the details. Basically this salt was created underground many, many years ago under the Himalayan mountains. The old compressed salt helps produce negative ions when heated up. I've also heard they work without being heated, but perhaps it works more proficiently being heated. Anyhow, her sales pitch sounded a bit suspicious, but the price was right and I was willing to give it a try.

I am by no means promoting this website or individual, I just found it easy to read to get the general idea about this beneficial wonder of the world. Take what you like and leave the rest. I encourage you to do your own research and see if it is something that will benefit you in your home or office.

H has been having a lot of trouble when he wakes up breathing and being stuffed up, so I figured the salt lamp was worth a try. If nothing else, we have a fancy night light! Well let me tell you, after only one night with the salt lamp plugged in sitting on our night stand next to the bed, he felt a difference the next morning! H was not a believer in the salt lamp or any "energy" for that matter, so for him to be impressed with the results, that is saying something. It's amazing how the salt helps purify the air and really helps us feel refreshed! I understand now why I'm drawn to the ocean, or any body of water and LOVE thunderstorms and rain storms. The powerful rejuvenating energy of negative ions. 

Back to our trip this last weekend, I was sharing with my friend this wonderful salt lamp! She was intrigued. While we were shopping we found some salt lamps in a back corner of one of the shops. I brought two more home and she bought one for her office. I encourage you to check it out!

It was a spirit refreshed and refilled day! I love that each of my dear friends are good for my soul in different ways.

Today, I feel like I'm in a place of processing things in my life and the things that are happening around me. My boundaries must be shifting or I'm coming to a new layer in my recovery. There are moments this past week that I want to just simply sit at home and not interact with the outside world. Stepping over the sharp edge of isolation has been tempting. I will allow myself that quiet half hour or more, but then will reach out to a friend or family member, even if it is to just say hi. I don't want to allow myself to bleed to death by isolation! I need to realize I was grieving last week for things that are not. Most of the week I was attempting, subconsciously, to subdue that feeling of sadness. I'm grateful for my meeting last week that allowed me to realize I was attempting to stuff those feelings inside of myself and not allow myself to feel that sadness and grieve. Perhaps I need to do another 30 day visual gratitude blog to help me remember the wonderful things in my life and be grateful for what I do have today. Ha! That was a lot of work and I did find the journey beneficial. However, I think I'll keep it simple for now and explore that exercise for another time.

This post feels like a ping pong bouncing around, but that is sort of how I feel right now. The daily reading in Courage to Change was a good reminder for me, so I'd like to share that with you.

"Forgiveness can be just a change of attitude. I came to Al-Anon full of bitterness toward the alcoholic in my life. When I realized that my bitterness hurt me more than anyone else. I began to search for another way to view my situation.

In time, I came to believe that my alcoholic loved one might be the messenger my Higher Power used to let me know that I needed to get help. It is not fair to shackle her with credit or blame for the amount of time it took for me to pay attention to that message. I chose to tolerate a great deal of unacceptable behavior because I was unwilling to admit that I needed help. I did the best I could with the tools and knowledge I had at hand, and I believe that she did too. Eventually the message got through. I made it to the rooms of Al-Anon, and my life changed in miraculous ways. I don't deny that hurtful things were said and done along the way, but I refuse to carry the burden of bitterness any further. Instead, I am grateful for what I have learned.

Today's Reminder:
I will not allow old resentments to drag me down any longer. I am building a better and more loving life today.

'Forgiving is not forgetting, it's letting go of the hurt.' Mary McLeod Bethune"

I'm grateful I finally was paying attention to hear the message that I needed help and was willing to reach out for that help. That quote by Mary McLeod Bethune is one of my favorite in Courage to Change. When I can apply that level of forgiveness, it's a huge weight off of my shoulders.

Have a wonderful night bloggers friends! Bootcamp is calling bright and early so I better hit the hay. Sweet dreams.

Self-discipline is Self-caring

The Al-Anon program has given me the awareness, acceptance, and ability take action to make certain choices I never realized I had! If there is something I am not comfortable doing, I realize today that I don't have to do it. When I started practicing this new freedom, I believe I took it to the extreme and never did anything uncomfortable. Looking back, I believe that was ok for me at that time, as I had a lot of healing to do and had to put one foot in front of the other one at a time. Once I gained more courage and strength, my sponsor helped me realize it was time to put into practice the Just for Today saying that suggests we do two things we don't want to do. For me, this tells me to step outside my comfort level and apply some of my new tools! Let me say, this was a slippery slope and I stumbled a lot. But because I believed in my program and recovery, stayed in contact with my sponsor, went to meetings, read the literature, and worked on my relationship with my HP I was able to get back up each time, dust myself off, and try again. Amazingly, things that were uncomfortable slowly started to become easier to face. This was a huge accomplishment for me.

On the flip side, I believe learning this lesson has helped me respect other's choices if they don't feel comfortable doing something or simply don't want to do what I want to do. Today, I can respect the other person's decision, even if I don't agree or like that decision. In the past, I would take their lack of wanting to do something personally and become very upset. Back to that slippery slope, as I continue to work my program there are days I still struggle that my alcoholic chooses the alcohol over me in some situations. I've learned that it's ok his choices make me sad (and many other feelings for that matter). What is NOT ok, is if I let those choices and my feelings paralyze me from living my life to the fullest.

I work daily on creating a balance in my life and putting the self-discipline into play in all my affairs. A good indicator to me when I have done this well is I can allow my feelings to be felt, but I don't let them terrorize me. I can acknowledge my feelings are just feelings and I can chose not to react to them.

Applying Self-discipline

Not applying Self-discipline