Iceberg of Pain

“It's easy to look at people and make quick judgments about them, their present and their past, but you'd be amazed at the pain and tears a single smile hides. What a person shows to the world is only one tiny facet of the iceberg hidden from sight. And more often than not, it's lined with cracks and scars that go all the way to the foundation of their soul.”
― Sherrilyn Kenyon

This quote really struck a chord with me today. In the past, I was quick to judge others. It pains me today to admit that, but it is true. I had low self-esteem and zero self-worth, which allowed me, at the time, to justify lashing out at others through judgment. I also have been on the other end of that quick judgment. It hurts, and crushed my soul. The only reason it hurt and crushed my soul, I go back to I had low self-esteem and zero self-worth. I gave others the power to dictate my thoughts and feelings. At the time, I had no idea the power I was giving others. Also I did not realize the damage I was doing in return mirroring that behavior.

“…pain and tears a single smile hides.” I can feel to the bottom of my heart that pain and tears behind the mask I use to hide behind. It finally got to the point; the mask I wore couldn’t conceal the anger, sadness, fear, and frustration I experienced inside.

“What a person shows to the world is only one tiny facet of the iceberg hidden from sight. And more often than not, it’s lined with cracks and scars that go all the way to the foundation of their soul.”  I can remember in 2008, I felt like a gigantic iceberg that hit another iceberg in the middle of nowhere.  A huge part of me crumbled and sank to the bottom of the ocean. I felt like I was drowning from years of trying to live a fantasy life of controlling others, which left many cracks and scars throughout me. Despite the feeling of my world crashing down around me, I know those scars are what make me stronger today. They helped me reach a point that I had to realize I needed to find help and make a change. I didn’t know what that change looked like, but I knew I had to reach deep within myself and build my faith, before I could start to heal and start to live life again. I don’t ever want to forget that pain and hurt of my past. It helps me remember that today I won’t let that pain and hurt run my life. I am taking the power back and connecting with my higher power to help me find the strength and courage to not jump to quick judgment of others. 

 I have made layer after layer of amends over the past few years to myself and others through this journey. Today, I can honestly say I love myself down to the foundation of my heart and soul. I am proud of who I am today. I am not perfect by any means, but I try and share my heart completely with others. Having the freedom to not judge others and replace it with compassion and also, know when I need to detach. To me, that is part of complete freedom. Understanding that when I lean towards judging someone, perhaps I see an old behavior in that person I don’t like about myself. Once I have that awareness, it can give me a chance to take a step back, and then use it as an opportunity to grow. I am beyond grateful for One Day at a Time, so I can continue to walk this journey of discovery, recovery, love, and spirituality. I will be the change.

The Fog is Clearing...

After a restful night and back to my positive daily routine, I feel much better today! I am almost back to 100% of feeling like I can take over the world! Another good nights rest and surrounding myself with people I love and people that help lift me up in life.

I took a step back after yesterday and did some reflecting on how it made me feel. It blows my mind how deeply I am affected by certain people and how I allow it to affect me in such a negative way. They have no clue what they do. For years I allowed their unacceptable behaviors to affect the way I thought and felt. I allowed them to poison my heart, mind, and soul. The combination of my anxiousness in anticipation of the task and seeing these individuals yesterday, then the actual interactions, had me in a tail spin back to my old thinking and the stress knot in my stomach. I have a special place in my heart for these people, but it was a reminder that for my sanity and serenity, I have to continue to detach physically and emotionally. I have some more healing to do before I have another interaction. I know someday maybe I can have future interactions, if I want too, but not today.

Yesterday, I was in tears by the end of the day with the drowning feeling of being overwhelmed! It was like a flash back to 7 or 8 years ago. I literally wanted to physically throw up I was so upset. It even started to bleed and poison my thoughts of other areas in my life! The power of my mind to allow other people the power to make me feel that ill. The horrible part, they have no clue of their unacceptable behavior and it is not my place to tell them. However, it is my place to take care of ME. I had to walk through that fire to get to the other side. Always tough and can be painful, but it is worth getting to the other side.

My confidence is coming back and life is good again!

Opportunities

Today's reminder:

"Instead of assuming that I have failed because I am learning a difficult lesson once more, I might embrace the experience as part of a long-term healing process that requires repetition and practice. I can trust that eventually I will learn it so well that it will become an automatic, confident, and healthy response."
~CtoC page 292.

As I continue this journey forward, I am coming across a few things I need to work on in my personal life. When there is no one else to blame or hide behind, things tend to surface. Which is good, I need to pull those rotten things out of the dirt and cleanse the way! Breathing fresh air into old ways of thinking and old habits that are not working anymore. I actually look forward to these moments of discovering a moment of opportunity. Might seem a bit strange, but I have grown to love finding those little toxic pockets, so I can release the pain or anger or fear, or whatever is bottled up to let the light in and plant a new seed. It is so satisfying and rewarding to work through these one by one. Then when I look up, pause, and look around me, I realize the world is blooming around me with beauty, because of my hard work I get to see and experience that beauty that was always there around me. 

Free and Light?

I want to be light and free of all the chaos around me and in my head! Most of all I want to be free of my insecurities that tug on my shirt tail and cause me to pause. That pause causes me to question and doubt myself. Then it is a slippery slope from there. That's when I have to quickly address the basic needs, HALT, am I hungry, angry, lonely or tired? Take care of those first. That will generally help me get off that slippery slope that starts to snag and cut me with worry and anxiety. Nope I want to let that go.

As my insecurities nip at my heels this week, I realize I have come to a new layer in my feelings. I have always struggled with caring what others thought. In the past I was driven to work towards pleasing those around me in every extreme. The result I learned later was only myself drowning in resentment, lacking self-esteem, and layering more layers of those insecurities! Today I can have the awareness of those insecurities trying to drag my self-esteem back into the ditch of self-pity dripping with self-deception!  Recently there have been some actions by other people that really I am not close too, but those actions affected me more than I thought. Which causes me to spiral down that thought process of "caring to much what other's think" of me. I have to remind myself, it is NONE of my BUSINESS what they think of me. If they don't want to be in my life, than there is a good reason for that and I need to accept that blessing in disguise, instead of trying to dissect it to find a reason or try to analyze what is going on?

********IT DOESN'T MATTER! ***********

My energy is better spent on those individuals that do want to be a part of my life, that do love me for who I am, and want me to be light and free of those worries and anxiety. So I will pluck off those flower petals (insecurities), one at a time and let them blow away in the wind. Letting go of what I can not control and what I can not change. Ah, what a beautiful and powerful thing to let go. Brings peace to my heart. Sorry I think I am rambling, but felt relief to realize the awareness of nipping a stop to those sly insecurities that have trying to take over this week. Nope, not having any of that, that will mess with my serenity! 

The Tree of Life Blossoms!

We recently moved buildings at work and I moved into an office. I have never been a fan of plain white walls. In my own home I have pained a majority of the walls or have the wall covered with photos and paintings! I feel like it breaths life into my home! Now that I have my own office at work, I have the same urge of creating an environment that exudes positive energy! Especially since I spend most of my days/hours at work.

It took several days... ok, more like a couple of weeks here and there during my breaks to put up the Tree of Life! It took me several months prior to that to pick the right color for the tree! Then with a labor of love putting up the flowers of the tree just right to create this beauty! Everyone asks me, "did you paint?", no it is a decal put up one flower at a time. The interesting part, it was painful when I started with the trunk of the tree. It did not want to stick to the wall very well and constantly was peeling back off the wall. I was pretty dishearten for the first week or so, trying to figure out how I was going to make it stay on the wall! Darn cheap paint. I suppose, similar to my own recover in Al-Anon. I was disheartened in the beginning trying to figure out how I was going to make my life more manageable and help what I learned stick!

After fretting for a few days, I reached out for help and several friends made some suggestions. I had to work with the limitations that it is a wall at work, but within some healthy boundaries I did find a solution with the help of a friend. It worked wonders! With the reborn hope, I started to slowly add the flowers to the wall. It was rewarding to watch the tree blossom over time. As it started to take shape, my excitement grew quickly and I was eager to put the final touches on the tree! I can relate to that joy and excitement to come to a point of accomplishing something that feels good in my own recovery. What I have to remember is to continue to carry that joy and excitement for life and continued accomplishments into each day. Just because one activity has been completed, life continues to grow and rejuvenate around me. My tree of life wall decal is done, but if it was a real tree, it would eventually shed it's flowers, live through the winter, and then in the spring continue to grow bigger and healthier with new flowers. I want that beautiful cycle for my recovery. The continual of shedding the layers of grief, anger, resentments, and sadness that plague my mind and heart. I am grateful I have many seasons and opportunities to enrich the soil around my tree of life and continue to reach for the sky filled with hope! 

Peace in my Heart

Looking back at my last few posts, I recognize despite my effort to live for the moment and grasp my gratitude, my days have felt dark and heavy on my heart. I have shed many tears as I try to shed grief and pain. I have grown a little over the last few years in attempt to not absorb as much of other's negativity, shame, guilt, or any other feelings that are not mine; however, when that blanket of troublesome is heavy and constantly draped over my shoulders, it becomes difficult to rise above. It slowly seeps into my mind, heart, and then dreadfully into my soul. Today I can say with a deep sigh of relief, that blanket of dread is lifting slightly. Those around me that make the choice to suffer in their own abusive thoughts, have started to open their eyes slowly to other thoughts and actions to ease the tension. Watching that transformation, no matter how small or subtle, is a powerful act to watch and provides a feeling of gratitude with the burden lessening slightly.

After reading the CtoC reading today, I see notes from when I read this same page just last year. Interesting I can be in a similar place just a year ago and this same reading can help me find the peace in my heart today. I would like to share with you.

It's time I started being nicer to myself. The voices in my head that tell me I'm not good enough do not speak the truth; they merely reflect the damaged self-esteem that results from living with alcoholism. When I recognize that fact, I can tell them to be quiet! I will no longer listen!

Al-Anon recovery has given me gentler, loving thoughts. These remind me that I am lovable and I can learn to love myself. When I open my mind enough to hear that message, I can begin to hear all the other wonderful sounds of life, and the abusive thoughts vanish.

Today's Reminder
Treating myself with kindness and respect helps me to challenge my own self-criticism. Today I will pay particular attention to any voice that speaks lovingly.

'We need to learn to live, to focus on something good or useful to our lives and let the rest of the world go about its business.'

I am grateful today that my mind is open to hear this message. To hear that gentler inner voice that I am worth it. I deserve to treat myself with kindness, respect, and love. Let it begin with me. Let that peace seep into my heart, bringing a smile to my lips and followed with laughter accompanied with tears of relief, that help me to heal and share a little piece of recovery and peace with others. 

Where is the Duster?

I went to a meeting this morning and heard a lot of wonderful things I needed to hear. I don't make it to this meeting often, but when I do, I am always grateful as it is a healthy meeting filled with strength and courage. I heard a lot of humility and willingness in others. Reminding me that can be the key to my freedom. The key to admitting my powerlessness over people, places, and things. The meeting topic was on Step 8. I heard a lot of experience, strength, and hope about the step, but it always amazing me how all the steps are tightly woven together to help bring peace and serenity to our hearts and souls. It makes me smile to hear others share about a step, but always have to share and tie in other steps of how they reached that point. I love hearing that progression.

I have shared before I would find myself striving for perfection in the past. I wanted to be good at what I did, I wanted others to notice how wonderful I was at something. The words of affirmation have always helped fuel my self-esteem. Over time though, I handed over all of the power and growth of my self-esteem to others, and then specifically to others that were not capable of providing the words of affirmation I so desperately needed and wanted. Not only was I perfectionist in what I did, but also in how my home looked, my car, or even my desk/office at work. I spent a lot of energy keeping everything clean and tidy, everything in it's place. A bit ocd. I came to the realization today in my meeting of why I have always been a neat and clean freak! Someone shared they felt perfectionism = illusion of control. I about fell out of my chair. I did not grow up in a home with active alcoholism. However, since being in the program, I have learned that both my parents are adult children of alcoholics. It is a family disease and is passed on generation after generation if help is not found. My parents are amazing and I had a wonderful childhood that I have many wonderful memories. One vivid memory I have is that when I was a child, I can remember feeling I needed to have my room clean and all of my "stuff" in its place before I could even think about going to bed. I can remember spending hours cleaning and/or rearranging my things. However, the rest of the house would be in dissaray. I always struggled with that cleanliness and having everything put away was not a priority for the rest of my family. I remember feeling frustrated and uneasy about not being able to control my environment. Thinking it was a weakness of mine, instead of realizing those were things I did not have control over. I was wasting my energy and it was a complete illusion that I could even have control over! Wow, then the realization my disease of illusion of control bleed over into my adult life. When I bought my first home at the age of 22, I was in a relationship with H and at the time did not know I was already deeply effected by the active disease of alcoholism. I loved to clean, didn't matter if it was in the house or outside the house. It was an outlet for my anger and frustration, and I always felt a huge accomplishment after I was done. A rush of pride, relief, and accomplishment that I was able to control the outcome. When in reality I felt like I was failing left and right to manipulate and control anything else in my life. Along the way of trying to be perfect, I had lost myself in that illusion of control.

Interesting enough, after being in the program I now focus my energy in other places. Although I still have a tidy home, it is not 100% perfectly clean. AND the best part is I'm ok with that. I am not a huge fan of cleaning my home anymore. I wonder why? I wonder if subconsciously I dread the task since I used it as sort of an escape and outlet, but now I have other healthy outlets that I can use to help me work though my feelings. My priorities have changed, I don't panic when I know someone is coming over and I have to deep clean the house in 30 minutes before they get there. Now, I leave it just the way it is and don't feel the need to have that outwardly appearance be "perfect" anymore. My home and I, are just as we are today, take it or leave it. **wink**

The power of the rooms is simply amazing. One little nugget that my HP knew I was ready to hear was shared today, to really help me dig deeper into my recovery. I'm forever grateful. 

Short Stories

I hope each of you had a wonderful Christmas, or which ever holiday you celebrate and were able to spend it with family and friends filled with laughter. I'm wide awake at this crazy hour, very unusual for me. Tonight I feel like it's going to be a "short story" theme type of post.

Who's That Lady?
I've attempted to post for the last few weeks. However, I just keep running out of hours in the day! Although life is still going a hundred miles an hour, I've felt a calm peace of serenity through the holidays. I'll catch myself shrugging my shoulders and telling myself, "That's ok, there's always tomorrow." or "Uh, I just don't feel like that is that important right now and take a moment for myself." It sort of catches me off guard. Then I sort of look around to see if anyone heard what I was just thinking! The "old" me would have stressed myself silly trying to get everything, and then some, done in a single day! So this "new" habit or way of thinking is still very new to me, but very appealing. The other interesting part is if I have a bad moment, or day, I actually don't remember or dwell on the details like I use too. I've really been practicing letting go to the extreme lately. If it was an extreme sport in the Summer Olympics, I'd be on the team and be running a few of the courses.

Extreme Journaling
Although I've felt the peace and calmness lately, I still find when I have a lot on my mind, it's difficult to sit and write. Journaling is a MUST for my sanity. Blogging has helped me get the thoughts out of my head and out of the hands of the shitty committee and put those thoughts into perspective. I do go through phases; I will feel the desire to journal by putting my thoughts down on paper with a pen or I will feel the passion to type a blog post or more simply read my literature and make notes in the side margin. However my journaling evolves, it's crucial for me to get take those thoughts out of my head to allow room for the serenity I crave and need. The last few weeks I really felt the urge to write in my journal with my pen. Viciously scribbling to get all my thoughts down before the thought escapes me! My writing style is very different in my journal versus my blog. In my blog posts I feel I have to be a little more polish. However, I've accepted I'm not perfect, and grateful for progress, not perfection. If it wasn't for that awareness and acceptance I'd never complete a blog post!! So in my paper journaling I just scribble my thoughts out as fast I can out of my head; nothing is polished, you might ask what is a sentence structure?, and half the time, forget about punctuation! It's been very freeing to allow myself to let that all go in my paper journaling. I've felt the pull to thought dump onto paper. That is most likely why my posts have been on the light side.

Friendships I had a wonderful day that allowed me to be surrounded by people that mean the world to me. A wonderful lunch catching up with two of my favorite people and an evening attending a speaker meeting followed by a few hours of silly laughter with the ladies. I'm truly blessed to have such wonderful friends. To be able to sit and be at peace by simply being with the people that I cherish. I love the fact it doesn't matter the length of time between our visits; less than 24 hours, months, or years, to have the ability to pick up where we left off. To have the compassion, love, and understanding for who the other person is today. The friends that see me as I am and love me for who I am, I'm beyond grateful for that. To me those are the friendship I cherish and hold close to my heart.

When does the World End?
I suppose we survived another episode of the world ending this month. I heard recently someone share that in their life time, they have survived three ending of the world. It made me chuckle. This time of  year I use to take advantage of taking inventory of what I had accomplished and added to my rap sheet to share with the world. I had the drive to be able to tick off to anyone that would listen the things I had accomplished that year. I think it was an attempt to stroke my ego (that I didn't realize I had!) or it was an attempt to nurse my low self-esteem back to life. Every beat of my heart was working towards the approval of others, to find the love, caring, and acceptance of everyone around me. Then once I had that pat on the back from you, I'd justify why that compliment or pat on the back wasn't necessary. The sick and twisted dance of my insanity assembled with my character defeats. Today, I still need those words of affirmation. I have learned that is something that is important to me. However, it's not what drives my every heart beat or something that really crosses my mind in an attempt to manipulate a situation or conversation. It's nice to be able to just hear those affirmations without fishing for them and once receiving them, simply saying "thank you." What a relief to not have that awkward grade school dance feeling in those situation anymore.

Master of Leadership
I've decided that I'm going back to school for my Masters. I have an amazing opportunity through work to get a degree on their dime. I'm still sorting out the details.

Yup, More Clouds!We had a storm try to roll into the Valley; however, all we ended up with was an amazing sunset.

A few weeks ago, we had a cloudy day that shared a spectacular sunrise and an equally beautiful sunset.

Sunrise

Sunset

I never get tired of Mother Nature's beauty. Breath taking sunset just a few evenings ago.

Weekend Full of Wishes

The last three days have been a bit of a whirl wind! I enjoyed a day off on Friday to celebrate my birthday. It was filled with many wishes from friends and family. Thank you to you all! H surprised me bright an early Friday morning before I went to Bootcamp with a dozen roses. I love getting flowers! 

Earlier in the week, my Mother-n-law had flowers sent to my work. They were gorgeous!

I was proud of myself for getting up early and going to work out! However, I was exhausted from getting up several hours before that with H, so I went back to bed for a bit. Then got up to meet up with a very dear friend of mine. We went to a small local Italian Bakery and Cafe! What a treasure! Then off for a hike on a new trail we had not tried before. I'll be honest, after the workout that morning I was dieing on our hike! But I loved the company and it was nice to be outside. Then later that evening I had a wonderful dinner and laughs with my family. Although late, H even showed up. It was a truly blessed day.

I wanted to have a weekend away with H. So that's what we did. I actually wanted to spend sometime, just the two of us. I went into the weekend with no expectations and just focused on living in the moment. I was prepared for anything to change. As it usually does. We ended up going to all the places I had hoped we would visit. Normally, I try to control every moment and on guard in anticipation of the next moment. However, I did a good job going with the flow. Not being a doormat, but being honest when I was asked, "What do you want to do now?" As silly as that sounds, in the past I would answer what I thought H would want to do or prefer to do, so he was happy. When he was happy, I felt better, but wasn't always necessarily happy. I feel today I can still be considerate and compassionate for H's feelings, that's who I am; however, now I can be honest of what I really want to do, whether it's on H's want-to-do list or not. It's nice to see and experience boundaries we both have established. Living with choices. I am still amazed at the healthier and loving relationship H and I have today, than what it was just a short three years ago. This weekend worked out just the way it was suppose too. Here are some photos from the weekend at Bearizona, Grand Canyon, and Oak Creek Canyon. Enjoy!

Bison

Alaskan Tundra Wolf

Alaskan Tundra Wolf

Wolf - a different species but I don't remember...

Black Bear

Harris Hawk

Harris Hawk

Owl

Owl in Flight

Owl in Flight

Beautiful Bird

Canadian Lynx

Fox

Grand Canyon South Rim

Grand Canyon South Rim

Grand Canyon South Rim

Breath taking every time I go...

 

Oak Creek Canyon - Near Slide Rock Park

December 7th, Courage to Change, Today's Reminder:

I deserve to make choices that let me feel good about myself. It may take a while to see results, but I am building a life that promotes my health and self-esteem. It's worth the wait.

Got Mud?

Thanksgiving went well with the families. Good food and wonderful company. Everyone seemed to be their self and no masks were required at this get together. It was a nice change to see and feel everyone accept each other for who they are while enjoying each others company. It continues to fill me with hope as I watch both of my families grow. Or perhaps it is just me learning how to enjoy the moment and not try to control  my family with the expectations I had set out for that day. Looking back that is pretty much how every holiday/family get together was handled by me. So perhaps I should re-phrase that, it fills me with hope, serenity, and joy to see how much I've grown over the last few years. Truly a blessing. Another blessing of the day was giving my nieces lots of hugs. My youngest niece was dragging around the blanket I made her when she was born. She is a bit like Linus on the Peanut's show. It simply warmed my heart.

I haven't had a chance to update you on the 5K Mud run I did last weekend! As I type it still brings a smile to my face. I had a BLAST! I giggled and laughed through the entire course. My team of ladies held true to their rambunctiousness and fun! Every chance we had we were getting dirty, running, dancing, and assisted others in the race that forgot it was a DIRTY girl race. I was thankful to have the opportunity to run in honor of a friend of a friend of a friend that passed away from breast cancer. We knew she was there with us in spirit. Here are some photos to share with you. I'm in the blue capris with pigtails.

 

Before

and after

1st obstacle - I'm laughing my butt off in every photo!

First chance to get dirty!

Yesterday and today I'm supporting H in hanging out with his friends. I'm grateful today that I can apply detachment with love. I am willing to support the people and what has become important to H. The only way I'm able to accomplish this without my horrible character defects rearing their ugly head is by setting boundaries and minding my own business. What boundaries am I setting? I'm driving separately so I can come and go as I need to, to keep my sanity. I can simply be me and gracefully walk away if I'm not comfortable with someone or a conversation. A huge accomplishment is going to the event with no expectations. Today I chose not to live in the wreckage of the future or the muck of the past and instead live in the moment and see the beauty in others. Today I can share a little piece of my recovery and peace by laughing and practicing my program. I accept the responsibility for my own happiness. I'm grateful to be connected with humanity again.

Little Bluegrass filled with Treasures!

I had a busy, but wonderful weekend. Saturday started out rocky, I woke up with a splitting headache. However, I was able to get rid of it to enjoy the rest of the day with a dear friend. We drove up north to the annual Bluegrass Festival in Prescott. It was a very relaxing and fun day! Great bands, delicious picnic lunch, and some shopping that allowed us to go home with some new treasures. 


There were several great bands! I'll let them share for themselves.

We both really liked the Burnett Family.

We also enjoyed Ryan Shupe & the Rubberband. They were very entertaining!

You can check out more about them on their website.

We did some exploring of the local shops and we did find some treasures! A quick back story. The beginning of the month, last time I was in Prescott for another event, I ended up purchasing a Himalayan salt lamp. I do believe in the power of the energy that surrounds us everyday. Welcome to my H.P. Anyhow, the gal that was selling the lamps at the craft show we stumbled upon was sharing all the benefits of this beautiful salt rock. I am by no means a scientist, so bare with me on the details. Basically this salt was created underground many, many years ago under the Himalayan mountains. The old compressed salt helps produce negative ions when heated up. I've also heard they work without being heated, but perhaps it works more proficiently being heated. Anyhow, her sales pitch sounded a bit suspicious, but the price was right and I was willing to give it a try.

I am by no means promoting this website or individual, I just found it easy to read to get the general idea about this beneficial wonder of the world. Take what you like and leave the rest. I encourage you to do your own research and see if it is something that will benefit you in your home or office.

H has been having a lot of trouble when he wakes up breathing and being stuffed up, so I figured the salt lamp was worth a try. If nothing else, we have a fancy night light! Well let me tell you, after only one night with the salt lamp plugged in sitting on our night stand next to the bed, he felt a difference the next morning! H was not a believer in the salt lamp or any "energy" for that matter, so for him to be impressed with the results, that is saying something. It's amazing how the salt helps purify the air and really helps us feel refreshed! I understand now why I'm drawn to the ocean, or any body of water and LOVE thunderstorms and rain storms. The powerful rejuvenating energy of negative ions. 

Back to our trip this last weekend, I was sharing with my friend this wonderful salt lamp! She was intrigued. While we were shopping we found some salt lamps in a back corner of one of the shops. I brought two more home and she bought one for her office. I encourage you to check it out!

It was a spirit refreshed and refilled day! I love that each of my dear friends are good for my soul in different ways.

Today, I feel like I'm in a place of processing things in my life and the things that are happening around me. My boundaries must be shifting or I'm coming to a new layer in my recovery. There are moments this past week that I want to just simply sit at home and not interact with the outside world. Stepping over the sharp edge of isolation has been tempting. I will allow myself that quiet half hour or more, but then will reach out to a friend or family member, even if it is to just say hi. I don't want to allow myself to bleed to death by isolation! I need to realize I was grieving last week for things that are not. Most of the week I was attempting, subconsciously, to subdue that feeling of sadness. I'm grateful for my meeting last week that allowed me to realize I was attempting to stuff those feelings inside of myself and not allow myself to feel that sadness and grieve. Perhaps I need to do another 30 day visual gratitude blog to help me remember the wonderful things in my life and be grateful for what I do have today. Ha! That was a lot of work and I did find the journey beneficial. However, I think I'll keep it simple for now and explore that exercise for another time.

This post feels like a ping pong bouncing around, but that is sort of how I feel right now. The daily reading in Courage to Change was a good reminder for me, so I'd like to share that with you.

"Forgiveness can be just a change of attitude. I came to Al-Anon full of bitterness toward the alcoholic in my life. When I realized that my bitterness hurt me more than anyone else. I began to search for another way to view my situation.

In time, I came to believe that my alcoholic loved one might be the messenger my Higher Power used to let me know that I needed to get help. It is not fair to shackle her with credit or blame for the amount of time it took for me to pay attention to that message. I chose to tolerate a great deal of unacceptable behavior because I was unwilling to admit that I needed help. I did the best I could with the tools and knowledge I had at hand, and I believe that she did too. Eventually the message got through. I made it to the rooms of Al-Anon, and my life changed in miraculous ways. I don't deny that hurtful things were said and done along the way, but I refuse to carry the burden of bitterness any further. Instead, I am grateful for what I have learned.

Today's Reminder:
I will not allow old resentments to drag me down any longer. I am building a better and more loving life today.

'Forgiving is not forgetting, it's letting go of the hurt.' Mary McLeod Bethune"

I'm grateful I finally was paying attention to hear the message that I needed help and was willing to reach out for that help. That quote by Mary McLeod Bethune is one of my favorite in Courage to Change. When I can apply that level of forgiveness, it's a huge weight off of my shoulders.

Have a wonderful night bloggers friends! Bootcamp is calling bright and early so I better hit the hay. Sweet dreams.

Day 7: Hands

I'd like to introduce a variety of amazing and courageous woman that 

I'm grateful to know and love.