Blogging Celebration in August!

Earlier this month marked my one year anniversary in Bloggerville! Wow, hard to believe it's been a year already! I've enjoyed the journey so far and want to thank each and everyone one of you for reading and following my blog, whether you stop by on the website or you receive the email blasts. Again, thanks for your support, love, and encouragement! Keep coming back! ;0)


The greatest inspiration is often born of desperation. You can learn new things at any time in your life if you're willing to be a beginner. If you actually learn to like being a beginner, the whole world opens up to you. ~Barbara Sher

Unraveling at the Seams

Yesterday I started to unravel at the seams. Once those emotional threads started to come undone, it only went downhill from there. I woke up yesterday in excruciating pain in my neck and upper back. I couldn't turn my head side to side, or look up or down. I wanted to cry my eyes out it hurt so badly. I don't deal with physical pain very well. I still went to work and had a productive day, but towards the end of the day is when I started to realize that I was starting to lose control. I was loosing my grip on my patience and tolerance for anything around me. I was on the verge of slipping into unacceptable behavior towards others and myself. Luckily, before I could act outwardly on any of that old behavior I was about to tap into, it was the end of the day and I rushed off to my physical therapy appointment. In just the short drive over there, I was spilling over with emotional tears. I'm grateful for the amazing team at the office I am getting therapy from. They have known me for quite a few years now and they were extremely supportive. I obviously was stuffing a lot of my feelings over the last two and half weeks with everything going on. I wasn't utilizing my healthy outlets to re-direct my negative energy and thoughts. I was allowing stress to wrap and weave it's tentacles around me. Yesterday was a tough day.

I woke up today in the same excruciating pain. Having difficulty washing my hair and with simple activities that required me to raise my arm over my head. The goal was to relax and take it easy today to try to get the inflammation of my neck and upper back to go down. Some of that pain has subdued and pray it continues to fade away.

A positive today was I was able to pick up my car! She's all fixed and safe to drive again! The second I sat down in my own car, I could feel an instant relief come over me. Comfort. As much as I drive, I practically live in my car. Although my rental car was essentially the same vehicle, it wasn't mine. I'm relieved to have my car back and it's nice that she has a bit of a new car shine with the new paint. Now, I just need to get myself repaired and back to normal.

Another positive for today, I made it to a meeting! Talk about another HUGE relief! It was an instant stress relief to be surrounded by friends and a peaceful energy. I suppose I've been so caught up in the new job, the car accident, and house sitting I didn't realize how wound up I was inside and possibly was holding my breath! I also didn't realize it was already the last Saturday of the month. Geez, where does time go? The topic of the meeting was on Step 8, "Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all." I never thought much of this step, let alone understood what was entailed in the step until I started working with with my sponsor earlier this year. Looking back this was a powerful and a pivotal step for me. It really helped me take a step back and put some items of my past into perspective, with the help of my sponsor. I needed the reminder that this step was only asking me to be willing, then to make a list. Nothing else was required. No action was needed until I was ready to move onto Step 9. I believe the level of stress I've had the last couple of weeks and not taking advantage of my healthy outlets, has caused my old behaviors to built up and I tripped back into that victim mode. It was so familiar for me to carry around that burden of responsibility of others, I honestly didn't realize I had somehow slipped back into that familiar chaos. Today I was able to finally take that step back for a moment and realize that I've had the opportunity to be aware of the difference between what is and is not my responsibility. Then I've be able to take a more realistic view of my reactions. It's ok to have my emotions, but to be able to let go of what I don't have control over and to have a choice of what my reactions are going to be. All part of that keeping my side of the street tidy. I really do like my new job. I just need to take a step back and not try to grasp everything all at once. Yes, I'm an over achiever. Even that probably is an understatement. Anyhow, I always try really hard to see how I can work to make my environment as efficient as possible and if there is something I can do to make someone else's job just a bit easier, I will try to implement that, as long as it doesn't make what I need to do more difficult. Anyhow, I was subconsciously taking on stress of others around me and it was seeping into my serenity! I'm grateful for the weekend so I can find my balance and re-center my mental, physical, and spiritual self before the new week. Today I was a big sigh of relief. Just like Step 8 I can take action towards my self-love and healing to free myself from any responsibility that is not mine to own.

I'm looking forward to being home tomorrow and starting to create a new and fresh routine for myself. H and the pups miss me terribly, so I'm told. It will be nice to be with my family again. On another note, I've been struggling with the 90 day transformation program I've been a part of, so I'm going to shift gears for the next 21 days and try something different. Isn't that one of the things I've learned that if something isn't working for me then I can't continue to try forcing it? I need to let it go and try something different. Then try something else until I find something that works for me. I feel ready and motivated for this next challenge!!

Enlightening

We have had storms rolling through the valley on and off for the last week or so. I was able to capture some of the lightening that was showing off not far from where I'm staying. Although the storm was heading the opposite direction and we didn't get any rain, it was still gorgeous!

I had a great day at work today! I had some training that helped put some more pieces of the puzzle together for me. Now I'm looking forward to applying what I've learned!

I realize I share a lot from Courage to Change, but I find a lot of strength, courage, and hope from the writings in this book that have helped inspire a lot of my recovery. In fact, as I've shared a few times I feel like each of the readings were written specifically for me! Each reading also seems to be exactly what I needed to read at that moment. I'm also fascinated that I can read the same reading I read a year ago, and receive a different message from the same words. How is that possible, you might ask? Well, I'm simply in a different place today than I was a year ago. My perspective has changed and most likely I have some new tools to work with to help me continue to see and appreciate life in a new light. This was also the first life saving piece of literature I bought when I first walked into the rooms of Al-Anon. I honestly don't remember ever reading the reading from today, August 20th. I don't have any notes or scribbles on the page. Perhaps I've never read this page and it was saved for me for today, over three years after I bought the book. Perhaps it wouldn't have meant anything to me until today.
A billboard in my town reads, "Some come to the fountain of knowledge to drink. Some come to gargle." My pre-Al-Anon self would have chuckled at this message, but I would have felt some anxiety about whether I was a drinker or a gargler. Life was either black or white, and in order to feel comfortable, I had to know which extreme applied. But whichever label I pinned on myself would leave me feeling wrong, so I would scramble to fix myself.

Now, thanks to Al-Anon, I accept more easily the thought that sometimes I drink, sometimes I gargle, and sometimes I stub my toe on the fountain as I stumble by. I don't have to do better or differently. The best that I can do is good enough. I can relax and enjoy the joke.

Today's Reminder
Al-Anon encourages me to examine my thoughts and actions, but this is meant as an act of self-love, not as a weapon to use against myself.  When I begin to accept myself exactly as I am, life will feel a lot more gentle.
"Sometimes we try so hard that we fail to see that the light we are seeking is within us." As We Understood...

I can remember feeling the pressure of trying to label myself. It was never good enough and always trying to do better, but only to the detriment of my sanity. Then trying to label my marriage. Then trying to fix anything and everything that wasn't fitting the picture I had envisioned for us and the vision that those around us expected! Let me tell you, it was like trying to put a square peg in a round hole. Ridiculous! I personally feel I have come a long way in feeling comfortable that I don't have to fit into a cookie cutter label that society or those around me are trying to put me and/or my marriage into. That includes myself. Instead, I can work to feel comfortable with who I am today. Accept that my marriage is exactly the way it is suppose to be today. It is ok that I don't see the world in black and white, I have many shades of gray in my world. However, I can respect that H choices to see the world in black and white. Today I can see and enjoy the humor in life. I can even laugh at myself when I do stub my toe, which I do quite often. It's been quite the journey seeking the light and learning how to find it within. I look forward to more exploration! 

Beauty in Recovery

Our sunsets are never disappointing. It also changes quickly right in front of my eyes. My primary activity today was sleeping. I hardly ever sleep most of a day away; however, I think I'm still recovering from the last two weeks and must of needed the rest. I just glad I had a quiet weekend that I could take the break.

The few hours I was actually up today, I had a long carefree and loving conversation on the phone with H. It was one of those phone calls you would have with someone you are dating. We talked about anything and everything regarding life with the hint of flirting. There was compassion and sincere interest from both of us in what we both had to share without judgement. It was so much fun! Although only over the phone today, the level of intimacy in my marriage has improved by leaps and bounds in just the last few months. I attribute some of it to my willing to accept H for who he is and/or wants to be today. That's all I can do. I accept there is an inner struggle within H with the person he truly is (and the one I fell in love with) and the disease. The fact that I can simply enjoy who we both are today and be content with that, is such a relief. I spent so many years not living in the moment and continually wishing for something better. Longing watching the grass grow greener on the other side. However, not realizing at the time that image was simply an illusion and I had a wonderful life right in front of me the entire time. I realize today that wonderful doesn't translate into perfect or without chaos. I would not be the person I am today without those imperfections (or character defects) or chaotic experiences. I'm grateful today that I didn't have to lose any of that beauty in my life before I truly saw it with my heart and started to enjoy it. Although honestly, there was a lot of unacceptable behavior on both sides of the street that had to be sifted through before that beauty really started to shine. Time and willingness can heal wounds.

I've recognized that a characteristic that once allowed me to survive is no longer necessary, or that an asset that has lost its proportion makes my life unmanageable. Instead of proving sickness, this shows a willingness to face reality and a readiness to choose health.  Courage to Change page 230

Good Blur

I survived my first week! It was a complete whirlwind and I am still trying to digest each detail of the puzzle. I realize it will take time for all the pieces to fall into place. I'm not worried about that as I have learned I acclimate pretty quickly to new jobs and situations. I'm seeing some unique challenges that I will need to over come with this new job and organization. Is it strange to say that I'm excited about the journey!? The organization is in a state of exciting transition and growth; therefore, the need for some process changes is on the very near horizon to help our department be more efficient and productive. I'm looking forward to helping with those positive changes. There were a few moments of panic around me with certain situations this week, I personally wasn't panic as I didn't quite understand all the piece of the chaos and also didn't feel it was worth getting worked up about anyways. I liked how our team handled the situation to really get everyone to take a moment, take a step back, and really look at what was going on and how urgent the situation really was (not.) Keep. it. simple. I strongly believe that is important for me to do, both personally and professionally and I hope that can bleed over into this new role I'm taking on. The team I work with all seem great and I'm looking forward to getting to know everyone better. I hit it off with my co-worker right away that I'm sharing an office with for the moment, who we  will call S. My understanding is there are plans for our department to be moving into a newly built building in a few months. Nothing like hitting the ground running!

Today my pain was manageable, which I'm very grateful for! I was beyond exhausted yesterday after about a week or more of not sleeping well, the stress of the accident details, and the new job stress on top of that, I believe I crashed hard last night and finally got some much needed rest. Which in turn allowed me to feel a little better today. What a relief! I strongly believe the other reason I felt great today was I woke up to rain this morning. Raining days always help me feel better and wash away a lot of that not-so-positive thoughts, energy, and feelings I tend to hang onto when I'm in survival mode.

For my sanity and to reduce my stress level I decided to hire an attorney to take over the accident details. I felt better immediately after I met with the attorney knowing he would be taking it from that moment forward. The only piece that I'll hang onto is taking care of the communication with my dealership that is fixing my car. I already had the ball rolling; however, it is nice to know the attorney is there to support me if the dealership doesn't stay in line. Ha! So, I won't go into a lot of detail, but I did have quite a bit of damage to my car at the scene; however, it was somewhat drivable, although there were a few details that started to occur on my way home that caused my anxiety level to escalate! I had just under a half of tank of gas when the accident happened and as I was sitting at the scene with the car on with the a/c, the gas gauge dropped to zero and the gas light came on. That scared me more than anything! Also, let me just say I don't normally make it a habit to sit there with my car idling with the air on and wasting gas; however, it was 112 outside that day and it was around 6 pm. Anyhow, I obviously made it home but refused to drive the car any further. The dealership sent a tow truck the next day. So with that back history, the dealership called today to ask, again, about the details of what I noticed wrong after the accident. I shared the details, again, with the same gentleman. He was skeptical and questioned me with a warning that there would be a huge cost to me if they find out my car was just low on gas. I very politely reinforced the situation and made it clear that simply was NOT the case. Proceeding to ask him to please have his team thoroughly check ever part attached, connected, or even remotely involved with the fuel system to insure my car is safe to drive and back to the way it was before I was rear ended. I reminded him of the other details that I had concerns and asked he make sure his team address all of the issues. He called several hours later after he test drove the car, and surprise, surprise, there was something wrong with the fuel gauge. I get there is a business side to all of this and they can't waste money; however, it is extremely frustrating when people don't listen to me or even remotely act like they believe I'm telling the truth. **sigh** It will all work out and be fine. The thought of my fuel system not functioning right when I drive my car, I can't even put into words how sick that makes me feel.

I do have some good news! I have my camera back from the manufacturer! They repaired it at no cost and was covered under warranty. The only detail of the entire process that was a little bit irritating, I mailed everything in the original box and they didn't mail the box back. I'm one of those people that hang onto the original box for electronic items. Oh well, the rest of the experience was wonderful and not getting the box back is not the end of the world. I can let that one go. Here are a few photos I took of the sunset today with no-black-spots!! WoooHOO!

A dear friend of mine sent me a message recently ending the message with enjoy the clouds. At first I was confused by the salutation of her message; however, I quickly realized what this friend meant and it made me smile. I know it is a good day when I can look up and enjoy the beauty in the sky. Enjoy.

I didn't make it to my meeting or any other meetings this week due to my new work schedule and "side hobby", aka house/puppy sitting. Although I have an amazing support system in each facet of my life; nothing replaces the relief I feel going to a meeting.

I'd like to end tonight with one of the daily reading from this past week, that was perfect for me. It's from Courage to Change page 228.

After living in the chaos of an alcoholic relationship, it can be hard to know that difference between a minor inconvenience and a major crisis. Al-Anon's slogan, "How Important Is It?" helps many of us to regain some sense of proportion.

When plans fall through, when unexpected bills arrive, when I am disappointed in someone's response, I can ask myself, "How important is it?" Most of the time I find that what I might have viewed as a disaster is really insignificant. If I try to keep my attention on this day instead of worrying about possible future consequences, I can take my disappointment or irritation at face value and refuse to dramatize it.

Because of this simple slogan, many days that I would once have seen a tragic are now filled with serenity and confidence.

Today's Reminder
Today, if I encounter an upsetting situation, I will ask myself, "How important is it?" before I react. I may find that it is not important enough to sacrifice my serenity.

"It is almost as important to know what is not serious as to know what is." John Kenneth Galbraith   

Tomorrow is MONDAY!

Well, my two weeks off are coming to a close. I start my new job tomorrow! I'm really looking forward to the new challenges that await me. 

The last few days I've been a bit irritable. H has politely let me know that my behavior has not been quite acceptable. I thanked him for letting me know politely. I have also noticed the feeling of being irritable towards whatever walks in my path. I'm aware of my behavior; however, not sure what is triggering it the last couple of days. I suppose it could be the pain I've been experiencing in my neck and back. I do know, I don't deal with physical pain well.  Perhaps it is a bit of nerves starting a new job. I'm not looking for excuses, just trying to figure out what is triggering this obnoxious way I'm feeling.

I came across the saying above that made me stop. I'm not completely sure what obstacle is standing in my path today, but I do know I need to move forward to step one that I am powerless over people, places, things, and the family disease of alcoholism.  When I can completely surrender, that is when those obstacles start to melt away and allow me to boldly walk through them. I have to keep taking steps forward in several parts of my life that are a still a bit rusty for me. For me, before I can continue to grow in my recovery, I have to continue to learn to apply my new way of living in all aspects of my life. There are still a few "areas" that I haven't completely handed over. Perhaps those are rising to the surface and I'm ready to deal with those pieces. Although, the sign of irritability might be me resisting a bit? More will be revealed.

My sponsor has been out of the country for just about four or five weeks on a life time opportunity! I'm really excited to see her again in a couple of weeks and hear about her adventures. I'm also really looking forward to hearing her voice and giving her a big hug. I miss her tremendously!

I don't seem to have a point to my rambling today. So I will close with the following quote:

"There are times when I have to hurt through a situation and when this happens, the choice is not whether to hurt or not to hurt, but what to do while I am hurting." ... In All Our Affairs

A Little Banged Up

I had an amazing weekend with wonderful friends, way to much delicious food, and lots of time outside! I took a few photos with my ancient cell phone camera. I CAN'T WAIT to have my camera back.

View on Friday when we arrived around lunch time. 

View of the meadow with cattle during our horseback ride.

I love the mid 70 degree weather up on the rim!

 

One of the water holes we stopped at to give the horses and us a break.

Half way through our ride on Sunday, a huge summer storm rolled in with lighting, thunder, and rain! A few of the lighting strikes were a little to close for comfort! I would estimate a couple of those strikes were about 1/2 a mile or less away. We didn't make it home before the buckets of water started coming down. Half of the group pretty much ran home the last couple of miles. The second part of the group, including me, took it easy and took our time getting home. We were already drenched, so didn't make any sense to rush. I was loving every second of the ride. The photo above was a snap shot of when we were getting sprinkled on with the sheet of rain headed straight for us.

On Saturday I took a break from horseback riding and went down the street (25 miles) to the local archery shoot that my family, and some good friends of ours, drive up for each year. It was pretty convenient the event was just down the street from where my other friends bought a cabin! 

My friend took a couple of photos of me shooting one of the targets. Check out that great form! ;0)

Draw... Aim!

Shoot!

With my spare time this week, I had planned to help a dear friend of mine and her husband with their new business adventure. Monday I was able to spend the afternoon helping. However, what happen on my ride home sort of changed what I had planned for this week. I was rear ended on the freeway. I think there were five cars total in the entire pile up. I was one of the cars in front of the line. (Meaning one of the last ones to get hit from the impact behind) Overall, I will be fine. Just pretty banged up and will be going to the doctor for a while. My car is not in the best of shape either and has been towed to the dealer waiting for repair. The icing on the cake was the officer gave my D.L., insur@nce card, and registration to the car in front of me. Then tried to give her information to me. Needless to say I let the officer know that wasn't my license. When he proceeded to swear under his breath that he just gave the gal in front of me, that just took off, my information!! The last several days have been jumping through and over hurdles trying to get things taken care of with the lovely insurance companies and trying to track down my D.L. Simply exhausting. I've been documenting every step of the way. Good news though! Between my amazing documenting skills and my sister's clever investigation skills, she tracked down the gal that had my information and was able to get my documents from her today! Now I can rent a car!

I can't help but wonder is there a neon sigh above me that says, "HEY YOU! Go ahead and hit this gal, she has a new job. See if she can handle the stress!" When I started my last  position just over two years ago, I was rear ended on the freeway. Geez...

A good friend of mine reminded me to not let this accident and all the chaos that follows it ruin my wave of positivity. That was a good reminder. This to shall pass. Perhaps it was a blessing in disguise. Perhaps this was the wake up call I needed to just stay home and relax instead of filling up my couple of weeks off with back to back activities. So the last few days have been time at home with H and the dogs. H gets extremely protective when something happens to me like this. It's kind of adorable. I have been enjoying the time together.

I'm saying a little prayer that I heal quickly and that all goes smoothly with my car so it's back to normal soon.

It's Friday Already!

I LOVE my time off! I haven't been in front of the computer much this week. I've been out and about with family and friends just doing things we enjoy. These are the moments I love in life. Yesterday I headed to the south part of the state with my amazing parents for a day trip. My Mom bought my Dad a custom pair of boots for his birthday earlier this year and they were finally done! He was so excited and wore them home. It was a fun day filled with jokes, laughs, good food, and love!

This weekend I'll be heading up the hill to the north to spend sometime in the pine trees. Some of the activities will consist of horseback riding and a day of archery shooting through several 3D courses set up by the local archery club in the north part of the state. It is a yearly tradition that several of us look forward to each year. So last night as I was laying out all the items I need to take with me, I dusted off the good old recurve bow. Double checked my arrow inventory. I have a few survivors from last years shoot; however, this year I need to serious do some repairs on some of my arrows and maintenance on my bow. I'm not sure how many photos I'll have from this years trip, as I mailed in my camera for repair through the warranty to Olympus this week. I really honestly don't know what to do with myself without my little camera! I've been using the camera on my ancient cell phone that takes HORRIBLE photos. However, it sort of helps to capture the moment. We shall see what happens. I'll share what I can next week.

Well my friends, nature and the outdoors is calling me! In other words my serenity!

I'll end today with that the theme the last few days has been peace. I love that! My fortune last night at dinner was "Declare peace every day." Yup, that is my goal. Then this morning, my Power Thought card I randomly pulled from the stack shared the following:

I am at peace. Divine peace and harmony surround me and dwell in me. I feel tolerance, compassion, and love for all people, myself included.

May peace find you and hold you today my friends.