Losing My Dad

Everyone has been through a lot in different ways. Happiness, Hurt, Tragedy, Love, Failure, Success... Loss of a loved one. Through my experience I have learned how I come out on the other side of each situation depends on my mindset and how I choose to react. Thank goodness I'm allowed to make mistakes, as I don't always have the right mindset or react the way I had hoped. But I keep trying everyday to improve and remember to be kind to myself and those around me. I also learned over the years that embracing my vulnerability and openly sharing, is one of the strongest ways to help me heal when my heart aches. So here it goes, it's been quite the emotional roller coaster.

Memorial weekend, my Dad passed away. Let's just say, he is no longer in pain and is now watching over us in spirit.

Those that knew my Dad, understand he was a private man that loved and was devoted to his family. Family not only meant my Mom, my Sister and I, but our close dear friends that we chose as our family. You know who you are. We were all very close, open, honest and loved each other with all of our hearts. There is a void in our hearts, and that void will be there forever. I know Dad is now at peace, so I'm grateful for that. Time, and supporting each other, will help us live on, heal, and ease the tears.

I remember in grade school one of my assignments was to write about my hero. Without hesitating I wrote about my Dad. He has always been my hero. I know I have that report somewhere and will share more when I find it. As a kid, he was always there to hold my hand, engulf me in a hug, catch me when I fell, and always had a way to make me smile and laugh. Even as an adult, he provided the same support and more! I loved that he lived his life with humor and silliness every chance he could get! He touched so many people with his humor and knowledge. There are many, many, many wonderful memories of my Dad. I will remember and hold each of them close to my heart. I am beyond grateful over the years my family has taken many pictures of those we love every chance we get. There are so many wonderful memories that I had forgotten about... but looking through old pictures has helped take me back to that moment in time! Priceless.

This quote is very true...
"The days will always be brighter because he existed. The nights will always be darker because he's gone. And no matter what anybody says about grief, and about time healing all wounds, the truth is, there are certain sorrows that never fade away until the heart stops beating and the last breath is taken." ~unknown

I love you Dad!

Revealing

The weekend ended up being quite nice. I had the opportunity to spend a lot of the time with my parents. I cherish both of them very much and grateful for the quality time.

I know I have shared before, it is difficult for me to just exist in the moment, with myself. I always had a hard time sitting still physically, for as long as I can remember. Even if I managed to sit still, my mind was going in a hundred different directions at warp speed. I had several opportunities this weekend to sit and rest my mind. I had to put the breaks on my thoughts several times. It was extremely uncomfortable and, honestly, exhausting! I realize that doesn't make any sense. How is it exhausting to rest my body and mind? Probably because I am working hard to keep it in check. The slogan, Easy Does It came to mind.

I must be working through another layer of healing, as I shed many tears this weekend. I learned in the rooms of Al-Anon, that when my heart is open, my eyes leak. Seemed the littlest thing would trigger my tears either by seeing certain things, hearing something shared by another person, a simple text message, or even me sharing something with someone else. Perhaps that is why I am exhausted, not from working to still my mind. Part of this layer of healing I feel has to do with wishing for something or someone that I don't have. For years, I have struggled with wishing for things that are not.  That was an old habit that poisoned my life. As I continue to learn about myself, I believe I fell into that thinking trap, since that is how H lived and breathed his life.

Today I believe and work hard to practice that I have everything I need and nothing that I don't. Reminds me of an amazing song by ZBB. Despite my awareness, I find I still drink that poison from time to time.

Being outside my comfort zone starts to also reveal my vulnerabilities! Finding the courage to expose those vulnerabilities and insecurities seems to dissolve some of the power they hold over me. Still terrifying, but I know it is a healthy step in the right direction for me. A dear friend of mine opened up a gym last October and is doing an amazing job growing her business to help ladies walk the path of finding their confidence and reach their health goals. Last week she sent out a challenge for members to do a video testimonial that was under 3 mins. The winner of the challenge gets a $100 spa day gift card. The competitive side of me was in the driver seat and promised to create a creative video message. I want that spa day. All my insecurities were screaming from the backseat and basically hung on for dear life through the ride. With the help of my amazing sister and her man, we put together a humorous video that shares a small part of my journey. Someday I will find the courage to share with you.

The ground has felt a little unfamiliar and uneven lately as I charter into new territories. As fear tries to strangle me, I work hard to breath and dissipate that fear and replace it with faith! I am grateful my HP balances out my struggles with miracles. I strongly believe they are tied together, but I don't realize that until after the fact. Anyhow, a few things I have misplaced or lost in the last few months were revealed to me this weekend. A few months ago my Fitbit fell off, I thought while I was out and about. I was pretty bummed, as that simple little thing helped step up my motivation in my exercising last year! I did end up treating myself by upgrading to a new and improved one that tracks my heart rate. I am LOVING that while I exercise. After my Mom and I were done sorting through my fabric and taking inventory, we were putting the boxes away, and right there on the floor, was my old Fitbit! I could not believe it! The second little miracle, I have a spare mail key I keep in my car. However, it went missing the other day. Instead of panicking and getting upset, I took a deep breath and let it go. Praying it would show up soon so I didn't have to get the locks changed. This weekend I was cleaning my car inside and out, there under the seat was the key! I know these sound simple, but just these little items showing up unexpectedly was a positive experience.

Don't Romanticize Life

I had an amazing weekend! A bunch of the amazing gals I workout with at the gym, we all signed up for one of the local 5K mud runs. What a blast!! Getting a great workout, getting dirty, and hanging out with great friends! I also got to spend sometime with a friend, who I am still trying to figure out what will come of it. That preciously is probably my obstacle, STOP trying to figure it out and just enjoy. I keep telling myself that, and all is well. Until I start thinking again. I will keep practicing and reminding myself to not push the river, all will work out exactly the way it is supposed too, whether that is how I envisioned it or not! **smile**

In addition to all that, I also got to meet up with a couple of friends that mean a lot to me, but just don't get to see these amazing ladies very often. I made it a point to carve sometime out to catch up with these ladies. Always filled my soul with gratitude to truly spend quality time with friends that mean the world to me.

Tonight, I couldn't make my normal weight lifting training, but that didn't stop me from still having an awesome, cardio, fat burning workout tonight! The weather outside could not have been more perfect! I am beyond grateful for living in my state.

I was about to head off to bed, but noticed one of my favorite bloggers posted a list of items I should be able to say about my life. This blogger focuses on life lessons and usually puts the thoughts and concepts into lists. So I naturally levitate towards those posts, because I love my lists!! One of the items on the recent post, REALLY hit home with me.

Here is the exact quote:
"I don’t need anyone else to complete me. – There’s far more to life than finding someone who will want you, or getting upset over someone who won’t.  There’s a lot of important time to be spent discovering yourself without begging someone to fall in love with you along the way… and this journey doesn’t need to be empty or painful.  YOU need to fill yourself up with love – self-love – first.  Become a whole being on your own.  Go on adventures, explore your passions, wander around the city and see new sights, sit in coffee shops and read, write on bathroom stalls, leave notes in library books, dress up for yourself, give to others who can’t pay you back, smile and have fun.  Do all things with love, but don’t romanticize life like you can’t survive without someone giving it to you every second.  You can.  And once you give it to yourself, you will feel healed, and you will ultimately open yourself up to the possibility of healthy relationships with others."

I love this. "...Don't romanticize life..." I have realized through my recovery and discovery, I struggle with this a lot. In the past I would dive right into a romanticized fantasy of how my marriage should have been. Guess what, I was disappointed every damn time, year after year. I have to be realistic. It has to begin with me. I have to fill myself with love, respect, kindness, support, and adventure! I also have to be realistic about who I am. I am a passionate, caring, and sentimental person. Yes I can have fun, joke, and participate in shenanigans. In fact, that is how my family functions, and I love ever bit of it. In fact, many of my friends function in that manner. I assume I attract that type of person, because of the love I have for my family. I am ok with that. But on the flip side, I also have to recognize, and be proud, that a big part of me is also nurturing, loving, caring, sentimental, believing in the good, and loving with all my heart. Finding a balance of both entities, and finding others that will accept and help me nuture both sides of the coin, that is the path I walk today. Let the journey of practicing that balance continue! Not sure I completely expressed my inner thoughts on this topic, but will pray about it and share more later as it is revealed. There are more layers to discover. I am grateful for today and life is truly amazing!

Battle in my Head

I realized today, I typed the share below on January 1, 2015 and never published! Instead of deleting, I would like to share.


It was a great first day of the year! Today was my Mom's birthday. I am grateful our small family and few friends were able to get together for lunch and a movie. Mom seemed very happy with the quality time with her family. I love her dearly with all my heart. She is an amazing person, Mom, and friend.

Everyday I struggle with changing my thinking. I work diligently EVERYDAY to shift my thinking patterns and perspectives. I have been programmed for so many years to react to every little thing, or lack of responses from others, or read into every response or decision someone else makes. These activities by others would drive me straight to react emotionally and physically to the the worst scenario possible. There was no pause. If someone didn't answer the phone when I called, I instantly went into anger or upset mode with the shitty committee in full session. "Are they ignoring me?", "Are they ok?", "What did I do wrong?" Wow, those were dark, dark days I lived in. No wonder I felt insane. I am much better at quieting my mind and not having the internal battle today. However, I do have my moments of set back. Usually when I am tired. Which I am today. I have noticed the last few days I have been running through those "worst" case scenarios to "prepare" myself for the worst. Are you KIDDING ME!!! This is such old behavior for me. I have to nip this in the butt NOW! I don't want to poison anything in my life today, mostly I don't want to poison myself with these horrible thoughts and "scenario" walk through to help prepare me for the worst. That is just me trying to predict the future! I have seen miracle after miracle the power of my mind. What I think and envision will be revealed in time. The scenarios I have been envisioning and walking through the "script", I have to stop. Perhaps that will happen, but that is not for me to decide or predict. I need to come back to today, the present, and focus on me and my happiness and serenity. I have to go back and remember those shoes that are flung at me, some of them are going to hit me in the face. That's ok, I just have to get back up and dust myself off. I need to see everything that’s holding me back, every obstacle, every limitation as only temporary.

From My Mom...

A message my Mom gave me... makes me smile and brings tears of joy and love to my eyes. I love you MOM! 

For you,

My Daughter

.... I Couldn't Be More Proud of You

I hope that you always keep 

your wonderful attitude

that whatever happens

in your life

happens for the best

I hope that you are always 

truly happy and thankful

for whatever you have

and that you never care 

about what you do not have 

You are a very rare person

and I am so proud

to have you as my daughter

You cannot imagine

how happy you make me

I do not have to worry

about you at all 

You are everything

a parent could wish for

I love you very much

~Susan Polis Schutz

A Sister Always... A Friend Forever

Life is flying by as always, but over all things have been great. I have a lot to be grateful and work hard everyday to not focus on the chaos around me.

One of the things I am grateful for is my sister. We did not get along very well growing up. There were many reasons, but mainly we are polar opposites as far as our personalities. Despite the struggle we had, we always loved each other. Now that we are adults we have been able to turn that love into a friendship that is unbreakable. My sister is a gift and having her as a friend is a blessing.

In childhood we did not understand the gift wrapped up in a greater plan. Time has taught us about the bond of love, and through that love we have chosen friendship. We have learned together, sharing the good times and the bad, and not matter what, there has always been love. You are my sister always, my friend forever.

She is always willing to forge on an adventure with me, no matter what. I had my heart set on going on a cruise this year. I wanted to explore a new part of the world I have not been.  We started to plan, look at dates, and her other half could not get the time off and H doesn't necessarily care for cruises. It started to swing towards the direction of we were not going to go until later in the year. To me that was not acceptable. The beauty of today is I can hand over what I can not control and connect with my HP to tap into her will and not mine. Since the timing of me going early summer worked the best with my work schedule, I simply asked my sister if she would go with me. Just the two of us. Why did I question if she would be willing to forge on this adventure with me? She said of course!! So we will be exploring the Western Caribbean for the first time this summer. I am very excited and enjoying pursuing the shore excursion options!  If you have been to the Grand Cayman, Montego Bay, or Cozumel, please do share your tips or suggestions of what to check out! 

Visit From Grandpa

Today after work I had my "walk to class" virtual style! Yup, one of my counselors walked me through the online portal for my first class. All I have to say is, Wow! I see and live everyday how far technology has come, but now I see even more through online classes. Again, Wow!! Now that I've seen the online portion, I'm sort of getting excited. I'm slowly but with resistance working to shift my perspective on this whole school business. I'll keep you posted.

So I had a dream last night. Which to me means I must of had a partial good night sleep. I've been really tired and having restless nights. Several factors involved. Anyhow, back to the dream. I didn't have time to journal this morning, so now later in the day I don't remember all the details of the dream. The gist of the dream. I was living in a gigantic two story house. The home was beautifully designed and engineered. Many staircases, both visible and hidden. Then something happen, not good. Either someone was after my family and me or someone broke in or some weather disaster. I don't' remember. What I do remember, is my Grandpa was there to help. I distinctively remember seeing him from head to toe. He wasn't wearing his usually ball cap, so his shiny bald forehead and top of his head were visible cradled by his soft gray/white hair that were neatly cut around his ear. Between those ears was his goofy grin accented with his pink rosy cheeks. He was wearing one of his button down shirts that Grandma had made him along with his plaid long shorts that, Grandma probably also made. He had his white socks pulled all the way up half way up his calves with his black type dress shoes. At first he was more of a "flash" in my dream, then he was more "present" in each part of the dream in the house. He had a comforting affect in my dream when there was chaos going on. I wonder if that was why I forgot whatever horrible was happening? I miss that comforting affect that Grandpa always had when he entered a room. Sort of like when you completely trust someone and you know all will be ok when they are around wrapped in a big bear hug of love. Yup, that's what it felt like. I know I've talked about it before, but I do believe in spirits or whatever label you want to give them. I also believe the spirits of ones I love can and will visit after their deaths. I love you Grandpa.

I found the photo below among the many I've scanned to digital of Grandpa tilling his garden. Look, he is wearing the plaid shorts!! :0)

Today was a good step in the direction of doing and not piling. My new motto. I started a plan of eating healthy. My goal is to lose 8 to 10 pounds this month. Then after that, tweak the menu to continue the next 30 days to lose another 10 pounds. I'm hoping to get some more rest this week so I can start adding in my exercise routine on a regular bases. Baby steps.

I loved the reading from CtoC today. "When the student is ready, the teach appears.' say the Zen Buddists." I love that. It comes back to me, when I'm ready to learn something or ready to take on something either new or old/recycled, it will happen when I'm ready and not a second before that. I haven't quite figured out how to get from that point A to point B, but I know it happens and if I have patience I will find the willingness to begin doing and stop piling.

"Today's Reminder: There is no magic wand that can make others ready for Al-Anon. And it is presumptuous to assume that I have a better idea of their true path than they do. Let me help those who want help. When my life improves as a result of working the program myself, I do more to carry the message than I ever could by forcing it on others."

Beautiful and full of truth. May you rest well tonight my Bloggerville friends!     

Got Mud?

Thanksgiving went well with the families. Good food and wonderful company. Everyone seemed to be their self and no masks were required at this get together. It was a nice change to see and feel everyone accept each other for who they are while enjoying each others company. It continues to fill me with hope as I watch both of my families grow. Or perhaps it is just me learning how to enjoy the moment and not try to control  my family with the expectations I had set out for that day. Looking back that is pretty much how every holiday/family get together was handled by me. So perhaps I should re-phrase that, it fills me with hope, serenity, and joy to see how much I've grown over the last few years. Truly a blessing. Another blessing of the day was giving my nieces lots of hugs. My youngest niece was dragging around the blanket I made her when she was born. She is a bit like Linus on the Peanut's show. It simply warmed my heart.

I haven't had a chance to update you on the 5K Mud run I did last weekend! As I type it still brings a smile to my face. I had a BLAST! I giggled and laughed through the entire course. My team of ladies held true to their rambunctiousness and fun! Every chance we had we were getting dirty, running, dancing, and assisted others in the race that forgot it was a DIRTY girl race. I was thankful to have the opportunity to run in honor of a friend of a friend of a friend that passed away from breast cancer. We knew she was there with us in spirit. Here are some photos to share with you. I'm in the blue capris with pigtails.

 

Before

and after

1st obstacle - I'm laughing my butt off in every photo!

First chance to get dirty!

Yesterday and today I'm supporting H in hanging out with his friends. I'm grateful today that I can apply detachment with love. I am willing to support the people and what has become important to H. The only way I'm able to accomplish this without my horrible character defects rearing their ugly head is by setting boundaries and minding my own business. What boundaries am I setting? I'm driving separately so I can come and go as I need to, to keep my sanity. I can simply be me and gracefully walk away if I'm not comfortable with someone or a conversation. A huge accomplishment is going to the event with no expectations. Today I chose not to live in the wreckage of the future or the muck of the past and instead live in the moment and see the beauty in others. Today I can share a little piece of my recovery and peace by laughing and practicing my program. I accept the responsibility for my own happiness. I'm grateful to be connected with humanity again.

Turkey in the Oven & Silver Polished

Happy Thanksgiving!

I'm grateful that H & I were able to host dinner for both of our families today. The Turkey is in the oven as I type. I started it a bit early, so H's cooking skill will hopefully save the turkey for our early dinner in a few hours. I have faith, it will be delicious! I did all my baking last night. As always I used my grandma's homemade crust recipe for all the pies and the pie cookies. I'm excited to try the apple pie filling my sister and I canned a few months ago. I got a little fancy with the crust, you can see below. And of course, my signature pumpkin pie! I made a couple extra to share with others. I have all the fancy pretty dishes out ready for the sides to show up with family. We do a potluck style dinner. I even polished the fancy silver! H & I have been busy bees cleaning up the house and yards this morning. Years ago when we would host all type of parties at our house, we would work together to clean up everything. However, in the past there was tension and anger lingering in the air because there was resentment that the other was not doing the activity correctly or the way the other would prefer it be done. All sorts of nonsense that we wasted our energy on. Today was better. Not perfect, but an improvement. I am thankful I strive for progress and not perfection on this beautiful day! I am making the choice to enjoy the gorgeous weather, sound of the water fall in the backyard, variety of music as H clicks through the radio, watching the hummingbirds zoom back and forth, watching the pups lounge lazily until family arrives, and take a deep breath of the scrumptious smell of the turkey cooking. I'm looking forward to having our entire family together at one time. It's been too long. I'm looking forward to giving a big hug to both of my little nieces. As the reading for today shares in Courage to Change, I had lost my spirit trying to conquer the disease of alcoholism. I'm grateful that my spiritual recovery has helped me regain my spirit and provided me with the opportunity to choose to enjoy the moment or continue to worry and allow my fear to ruin the moment.

Today's Reminder

I am a spiritual creature, capable of faith, hope, and an appreciation of beauty. I have an unlimited source of strength and comfort at my disposal. today I will take the time to cultivate that spiritual connection.

Used my stone pie dish

Famous family pie cookies! Yum... hope I don't eat them all before everyone gets here ;0)

Day 26: Smile

It takes less muscles to smile than it does to frown.

I came across a list of fascinating facts about smiling. 

Enjoy and smile! :0)

 

Meet my adorable niece! 

Day 23: Artwork

 

I'm VERY grateful it's Friday! We have this beautiful painting hanging up in our house. My Granny (remember the gal with white hair?) painted this sometime in the 1980's. I believe she was in her 80's when she started to oil paint. She was amazing!  I'm grateful to have this one of a kind artwork to remind me of her everyday.

Day 21: Horses

The essential joy of being with horses is that it brings us in contact with the rare elements of grace, beauty, spirit and freedom. -Sharon Ralls Lemon

I'd like to introduce you to the most amazing horse in the world! This is Missy, Quarter horse mare/babysitter. She was so patient and caring with me and my sister. I would spend hours outside with Missy. Half the time I didn't need a halter and lead rope, she would following me around our 10 acres like a puppy dog.

One of my favorite stories that my Mom shares is when I was still crawling, she couldn't find me one day. She was pretty panicked until she found me. I had crawled from the house out to the barn and was in Missy's stall sitting in her hay while she ate. Yup, we lived on a farm. I would have to say my love for animals and horses started at a fairly young age! So I essentially grew up with and on the back of Missy. She would put up with a lot, but she was also really good at setting her boundaries with us.

The second photo above is me in the front and my little sister behind me. We were having a blast! It was my sister's 4th birthday and she wanted to go for a ride. So being the best big sister, I took her for a ride. You can see that safety was a top priority! The photo always makes me smile. By the way, nobody was hurt.

Riding Missy was a wonderful escape for me. I'd hop on and go for rides all over the desert, usually by myself. I've had people ask me, weren't you afraid of falling off and something happening? It never crossed my mind. It was pretty hard to unseat me when I was on a horse. But of course I've fallen off my fair share of times. There was one time Missy and I were riding along and she just simply stopped; however, I keep going right over her head. I remember laying on the ground hanging onto the reins with Missy's nose in my face. She was looking at me like, "Um, why are you laying there?!" If anything happened, Missy knew how to get home and if she came home without me, my parents knew our routes and would come looking for me. I loved growing up in the country.

Missy and I did 4-H, which included showing at the county fair and doing several parades in our local town. It was a lot of work to get her ready for shows and parades, but a lot of fun and I loved the final results when we were done bathing and trimming her! She was a true black beauty in my eyes!

I'm grateful for all the unconditional love and lessons Missy shared with me. My dear friend lived to be 24 before she passed away.

Today, I don't own my own black beauty, but I have several wonderful friends that share their beauties with me. I love each and everyone of those horses and treat them as my own.

Day 17: Inspiring Person(s)

I had to open this up to more than one person! I have a lot of wonderful people that have blessed my life, some are still in my life and others have either moved on or have passed away. Each of them will hold a very special place in my heart.

Again, digging through old photos I found this photo that captured three of the most important people that have inspired me over the years. My beautiful Mom, amazing and always full of laughter, my Dad, and my Granny (Great-Grandmother). Granny was 90 years old in this photo. She use to fly out every winter, to get away from the snow to stay with my Grandpa & Grandma. I loved spending time with her. We would paint, sew, do crafts, go explore the desert, and sometimes just sit and listen to her stories. If I remember correctly, this was one of the last years she flew out. Then we all started traveling back to see her in the mid-west to brave the snow. She was an amazing woman! I still haven't meet anyone that is a better story teller than Granny. She was courageous, ornery, hilarious, intelligent, creative, loving, and a no bullshit kind of gal! I remember in her later years, she would be sad that she outlived both of her sons, her husband, and all of her siblings. Even though she had her grand-kids, great-grand kids, grand nieces, and great-grand nieces, she did feel alone. She lived by herself until she was 100 years old. Although, she ALWAYS had visitors, she was loved by many. Then she moved into a assisted living home until she passed away at 103. I pray for the strength, humor, and love my Granny faced the world with for so many years. I also hope I get that gorgeous white hair when I'm older!

In grade school, I can remember having to write papers on my hero or favorite person. I never hesitated who I would write about it. It was either my Mom or Dad or both. They are amazing parents that have always been supportive and loving in anything that I've wanted to do. Even if they felt it wasn't a good idea. Sometimes they would share their concerns with a choice I wanted to make and majority of the time, I went forward with that choice anyways. They let me stumble and fall as I needed too, but were always there for me as I picked myself back up. I love their humanness and grateful for so many things that they taught me and the unconditional love they always have for me. My love has only grown stronger for them as the years go by. In fact, as I learn more about myself and about my parents of what they went through growing up, I have a new found love and compassion for each of them. They both willingly made many sacrifices for my sister and I, and I'm eternal grateful for everything they have and do today.

There are more inspirational people in my life, but I'll save that for another day.
"Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood." Ralph Waldo Emerson