Life is Blissful!

Before Al-Anon, my heart cried with sorrow and bleed with anger and fear. I'm a grateful member of Al-Anon, the program and the people in the program saved my life. They helped me find the courage and confidence to seek my own happiness and take the power of my life back from others. Today my heart sings with happiness, and bleeds with joy and pure love for life! 

That pretty much sums up where I'm at today, life is amazing, I love who I am, and I surrounded myself with family, friends and found an amazing partner to share my life with. Each person I choose to have in my life bring out the best in me, and love me for who I am!

Ill be honest, I have prioritzed my time differently for a while and have not been to a meeting in a while. A friend recently reached out to me, and asked me to come back, she says I'm a success story! That's very kind of her to say that. She has a good point, it is good to hear sharing of the positive stories and the positive results that can come out of believing in ourselves and reaching and striving for a life that is better for us through the steps of Al-Anon.  Hearing these stories before and after is good for newcomers, that is part of what kept me coming back to the meetings, was seeing people in the midst of chaos of the disease of alcoholism, but smiling and shining with happiness. Because they choose happiness and their serenity. I still believe I'm a newcomer, always will be, but I also have a few years of experience, hope, and strength to share if others choose to listen. 

May your day be filled with kindness, happiness, and eating healthy

Don't Romanticize Life

I had an amazing weekend! A bunch of the amazing gals I workout with at the gym, we all signed up for one of the local 5K mud runs. What a blast!! Getting a great workout, getting dirty, and hanging out with great friends! I also got to spend sometime with a friend, who I am still trying to figure out what will come of it. That preciously is probably my obstacle, STOP trying to figure it out and just enjoy. I keep telling myself that, and all is well. Until I start thinking again. I will keep practicing and reminding myself to not push the river, all will work out exactly the way it is supposed too, whether that is how I envisioned it or not! **smile**

In addition to all that, I also got to meet up with a couple of friends that mean a lot to me, but just don't get to see these amazing ladies very often. I made it a point to carve sometime out to catch up with these ladies. Always filled my soul with gratitude to truly spend quality time with friends that mean the world to me.

Tonight, I couldn't make my normal weight lifting training, but that didn't stop me from still having an awesome, cardio, fat burning workout tonight! The weather outside could not have been more perfect! I am beyond grateful for living in my state.

I was about to head off to bed, but noticed one of my favorite bloggers posted a list of items I should be able to say about my life. This blogger focuses on life lessons and usually puts the thoughts and concepts into lists. So I naturally levitate towards those posts, because I love my lists!! One of the items on the recent post, REALLY hit home with me.

Here is the exact quote:
"I don’t need anyone else to complete me. – There’s far more to life than finding someone who will want you, or getting upset over someone who won’t.  There’s a lot of important time to be spent discovering yourself without begging someone to fall in love with you along the way… and this journey doesn’t need to be empty or painful.  YOU need to fill yourself up with love – self-love – first.  Become a whole being on your own.  Go on adventures, explore your passions, wander around the city and see new sights, sit in coffee shops and read, write on bathroom stalls, leave notes in library books, dress up for yourself, give to others who can’t pay you back, smile and have fun.  Do all things with love, but don’t romanticize life like you can’t survive without someone giving it to you every second.  You can.  And once you give it to yourself, you will feel healed, and you will ultimately open yourself up to the possibility of healthy relationships with others."

I love this. "...Don't romanticize life..." I have realized through my recovery and discovery, I struggle with this a lot. In the past I would dive right into a romanticized fantasy of how my marriage should have been. Guess what, I was disappointed every damn time, year after year. I have to be realistic. It has to begin with me. I have to fill myself with love, respect, kindness, support, and adventure! I also have to be realistic about who I am. I am a passionate, caring, and sentimental person. Yes I can have fun, joke, and participate in shenanigans. In fact, that is how my family functions, and I love ever bit of it. In fact, many of my friends function in that manner. I assume I attract that type of person, because of the love I have for my family. I am ok with that. But on the flip side, I also have to recognize, and be proud, that a big part of me is also nurturing, loving, caring, sentimental, believing in the good, and loving with all my heart. Finding a balance of both entities, and finding others that will accept and help me nuture both sides of the coin, that is the path I walk today. Let the journey of practicing that balance continue! Not sure I completely expressed my inner thoughts on this topic, but will pray about it and share more later as it is revealed. There are more layers to discover. I am grateful for today and life is truly amazing!

Iceberg of Pain

“It's easy to look at people and make quick judgments about them, their present and their past, but you'd be amazed at the pain and tears a single smile hides. What a person shows to the world is only one tiny facet of the iceberg hidden from sight. And more often than not, it's lined with cracks and scars that go all the way to the foundation of their soul.”
― Sherrilyn Kenyon

This quote really struck a chord with me today. In the past, I was quick to judge others. It pains me today to admit that, but it is true. I had low self-esteem and zero self-worth, which allowed me, at the time, to justify lashing out at others through judgment. I also have been on the other end of that quick judgment. It hurts, and crushed my soul. The only reason it hurt and crushed my soul, I go back to I had low self-esteem and zero self-worth. I gave others the power to dictate my thoughts and feelings. At the time, I had no idea the power I was giving others. Also I did not realize the damage I was doing in return mirroring that behavior.

“…pain and tears a single smile hides.” I can feel to the bottom of my heart that pain and tears behind the mask I use to hide behind. It finally got to the point; the mask I wore couldn’t conceal the anger, sadness, fear, and frustration I experienced inside.

“What a person shows to the world is only one tiny facet of the iceberg hidden from sight. And more often than not, it’s lined with cracks and scars that go all the way to the foundation of their soul.”  I can remember in 2008, I felt like a gigantic iceberg that hit another iceberg in the middle of nowhere.  A huge part of me crumbled and sank to the bottom of the ocean. I felt like I was drowning from years of trying to live a fantasy life of controlling others, which left many cracks and scars throughout me. Despite the feeling of my world crashing down around me, I know those scars are what make me stronger today. They helped me reach a point that I had to realize I needed to find help and make a change. I didn’t know what that change looked like, but I knew I had to reach deep within myself and build my faith, before I could start to heal and start to live life again. I don’t ever want to forget that pain and hurt of my past. It helps me remember that today I won’t let that pain and hurt run my life. I am taking the power back and connecting with my higher power to help me find the strength and courage to not jump to quick judgment of others. 

 I have made layer after layer of amends over the past few years to myself and others through this journey. Today, I can honestly say I love myself down to the foundation of my heart and soul. I am proud of who I am today. I am not perfect by any means, but I try and share my heart completely with others. Having the freedom to not judge others and replace it with compassion and also, know when I need to detach. To me, that is part of complete freedom. Understanding that when I lean towards judging someone, perhaps I see an old behavior in that person I don’t like about myself. Once I have that awareness, it can give me a chance to take a step back, and then use it as an opportunity to grow. I am beyond grateful for One Day at a Time, so I can continue to walk this journey of discovery, recovery, love, and spirituality. I will be the change.

Purging

This last week was filled to the brim with purging toxins, both emotional and physical! Life has a tendency to sneak up on me and the clutter on my desk, in my head, and in my body gets overwhelming and drags me down. Therefore, I have been taking action this month to clean up all of those areas. Naturally in Simply Me style, I have to do ALL at once and right now. With this consistent approach I try to take, it has a tendency to overwhelm me and knock me down a little. That's ok, I can handle it. I just have been working to balance all of my goals, while remembering to breath and be gentle with myself.

I started Monday, 6 days ago, another round of the Isagenix 30 day system to help me reach my final goal in both inches and weight loss!! I am super pumped and excited to see the results. I did sneak in a jump on the scale this morning, ssqqquuuueeezzzzeeee!!! I am beyond excited that I am seeing results already. I am headed in the right direction. To be honest, the last round of this I did back in September/October of last year, the first 6 days were the roughest and I felt like shit. With good reason, I had horrible toxins from the crappy food I was eating! I hung in there and day 7 I woke up a new person. It was amazing! This time around has not been as bad, because I have made the life change to eat and be healthier. However, I will continue to be honest, I have splurged more than maybe I should have on goodies. It was a lot of fun! However, this week I am hurting from all the fun and it has been a little rough. I am praying tomorrow is similar to my last round. Hoping my expectations don't get me down. We shall see what is revealed tomorrow.

As I shared in my blog earlier this week, it was sort of a milestone I wondered how I would handle. Milestones of all types have always appealed to me. It helps me set goals and track my progress. It also helps me remember certain events and things better to have those milestones. I handled this past milestone quite well I feel. Although, on the 15th late afternoon, I was feeling tired and was on my first "cleanse" day the Isagenix, so I know my body was more susceptible to my emotions running away with me. And that is exactly what they did, they sneaked up on me and BAM! it was like a truck hit me and the tears started flowing. I was so confused, as I was at work. Luckily I could shut my office door and give myself a minute. I am still sorting through those emotions that must of came up from a new layer of healing. The tears showed me that I am ready for more healing and letting myself grieve for what will never be. I have accepted and let go to the core of my heart and soul of my relationship with H. I am proud of that, but I also have to be honest that there is still sadness there and for heaven sake the first milestone after a whirl wind of a ending of a chapter. This week was also a milestone of exactly 6 months since I made the decision to change my life and let H go. That made me pause, and take a deep breath. I am proud of the courage, grace, and integrity I have displayed through this entire time. I am grateful for my Higher Power and my amazing fellowship of family and friends that have helped support me through this journey.

Finally, the other huge purging I have tackled this week was to clean out my email inbox. Well one of them at least. I have four different emails. Anyhow, one issue at a time. **smile** This email I have had for about 9 years or so? Well, needless to say I have a hard time deleting emails. I was feeling I needed to push myself outside my comfort zone and purge some old emails. For the most part, it was surprisingly easy, I haven't read these messages in years! However, there were moments when I would see certain threads from people, I did pause to read. This dug up some old feelings an old friend that I have not completely forgiven for past unacceptable behavior, in my opinion. I have done some footwork on reaching for the forgiveness and to heal my wounds, as they run deep. In fact, deeper than the wounds from H. Therefore, I knew it would take time to reach that level of forgiveness for myself and this friend. I am no where near done with that journey. However, I am glad those emails where still there towards the end of when we cut each other off from our lives. The tears I shed I know are part of me getting closer to that forgiveness and healing. That fills me with pride that I am moving in the right direction. Today I can pray for this old friend, and wish the best for her. I truly feel that. I still have to work through the layers of the past. In due time and in my HP's time, not mine. So I keep those email threads and will come across them again when I am ready.

So there you have it, purging of physical toxins, emotional toxins, and email toxins! Wow, what a week. It was tough and physically and mentally felt ill at moments. But I pulled through and survived, because I used my tools and reached out to my amazing fellowship to help grab me from falling off the cliff.

Transformation

I had a chance this weekend to slow down and pause. I don't allow myself to do that enough. Generally I am like a steam locomotive going full speed ahead with life!! Only, I do run out of fuel here and there, that forces me to stop. 

Last week I realized I was out of coal and was brought to my knees. I was in excruciating pain over the weekend with my tooth. Instead of calling my amazing dentist's emergency number I pushed through and went straight in on Monday morning. Not very smart as you don't want to mess with infections and teeth. Needless to say, that pain is an experience I never want to have again. I don't do pain well. The verdict, I need a root canal. I get the second half done, next week. They want to make sure the infection is gone before they finish.

Prior to that speed bump, I was going full steam ahead with new eating plan that I was seeing result! I have been so excited about it I want to scream from the roof tops! This is the year of crucial changes and shifting of my perspective to better my mind, body and spirit. One downfall of mine is I like instant results. I admit it, I try to be patient, but know this about myself. When I can see results, I am more driven and motivated to keep going in the right direction.

For the last five and half years, I have been bearing down and working on rebuilding my character and spirit. Which both were pretty broken and depleted. My footwork was (and still is) vital for my growth and recovery in both of these areas. It has been worth every tear, every rough patch, every little miracle, and everything in between to get to where I am today. Truly a blessing to be happy with me today. To fill I am a much better person today with an open mind and heart towards others, no matter who you are. I am enough. To feel my spirit is light and joyful today. I still have some work to do, but feeling pretty happy today.

Not only has working to better my character helped my spirit, but also my mind. The way I think and see the world around me. It has a much more positive spin today, both internally and externally. I truly do love to learn new things. In fact, I am usually very hungry to learn new things!! However, I am finding out about myself that is has to be something I am interested in and passionate about, or I just don't stick with it long or doesn't hold my interest. I know I need to continue to push myself outside my comfort zone when learning, but I feel every minute of my life is precious and I don't want to waste a second on anything that isn't for me. I am sure that says a lot about me, I still have a lot to learn. **smile**

Now for the body transformation. Back to screaming from the roof tops! Despite a few days of "life happening" and only eating saltine crackers, I am back on track. A dear friend of mine started a new eating plan and started seeing results quickly! I had some speculations and a lot of questions. After those were answered, I wanted what I saw! I am almost done with my first 30 days and I am feeling like a million dollars! I am losing the pounds, which I need to do. But more importantly I am losing the inches!!! One of my favorite sayings when I workout is "Inches, Inches, Inches!!!!". It helps me get through those tough moments of a workout to get through to the other side! Finally, I feel more balanced, I am not shoving all the delicious toxins our society pushes into our faces! Oh don't get me wrong, I still love the smell and taste of all those goodies, but also know they run me down and are silently hurting me from the inside out. So I went cold turkey and gave up the soda, the sugars, etc and feel amazing! Now, my next cycle I have to break is the next step. Maintaining. This phase, I always have struggled and in my eyes, fail. I have to shift that perspective. It's a lifestyle change, which I am ready to do. It is the perfect time in my life to make the best choices for me and then run with it without looking back.

So the transformation continues, mind, body and spirit. I feel like I am blossoming, without the weight of the world on my shoulders. I am grateful for the courage to finally step out from under that weight I carried for so long. I am filled with gratitude today.

Prayers

Over my lifetime I never gave much thought or effort into prayers. I use to have a road block when anything remotely related to organized religion came up. Thankfully today, I still can have my own beliefs and a Higher Power of my own understand, and in return can respect those around me that have different beliefs, religions, and see the world through different eyes. Today I enjoy learning new things through different perspectives. Doesn't mean I have to believe or practice, but I can learn it and respect it.

Prayers saved my life. They also saved and restored many of my relationships. A prayer to me is handing over what is not mine or what I can't change or control to a power greater than myself. Not only handing over, but setting up a healthier mindset to keep walking forward. I understand the prayer is not going to necessarily fix anything, but it will help fix my thoughts and mindset to be more positive and in the moment. That right there can work miracles around me that I never imaged possible. The day I found I could say any prayer I wanted to help me through a moment or day, that was me experiencing freedom to know I had choices.

The one prayer I used in just about every waking and sleeping hour, was the shorten version of the serenity prayer. That prayer did just that, it brought my mind and body back to the very moment I was living. It helped me do a quick inventory of what was mine and what was NOT. It also helped me pause. As I have always been in a hurry, feeling there are not enough hours in the day to accomplish what I wanted to do or see!! So I am grateful for those brief pauses to take a deep breath and truly see the beauty around me. My favorite moments are when this happens outside. That moment when my eyes open to see the hummingbird exploring the various flowers in the yard, or the butterfly flitting around, or watching the clouds glide by presenting various figures I can identify.

I came across a new prayer online today. With all the technology today, the negatives and evil in our world is right at our finger tips and at the tip of our noses 24/7. I am sure all of the evil has always been there to some degree, that negativity just didn't have the luxury of technology to help carry it's message. What I love is that our amazing technology can also transmitt the beauty, love, compassion, and support for each other as well! I am amazed daily by the power of the mind and how I can shift my thought process and perspective to focus on life, truth, hope, trust, love and peace in my heart. Yes I need to be aware of that around me and protect myself, but I don't have to participate in that negativity and help it grow.

What prayer do you use or cherish in your everyday life.

The Alphabet of Living in the Moment

I allowed the stress from this week get to me a bit. Thankfully I was able to recover quickly, and let go. I continue to strive to live in the moment of gratitude and keep it simple! A little trick I have been using lately is going through the alphabet and thinking of something positive or silly for each letter, to help me smile and ease the tension in my shoulders. I want that happiness to shine from within, but in order for that to happen I have to extinguish the negative and stressful thoughts that try to invade my every waking hour! 
So, let's sing our A, B, C's!

Appreciate yourself

Bounce on the bed

Create a blog

Dig in the garden

Explode a myth

Flabbergast a friend

Get up late

Help yourself to seconds

Imagine it and do it

Jump at the chance

Keep it simple

Leave your troubles behind

Meet someone new

Nourish your soul

Opt for ice cream

Play all day

Quench your desires

Revel at random 

Sing loudly, smile widely

Touch the sky

Uncork the champagne

Vamoose

Watch whatever you want

X-ercise your hear out!

Yearn for the best

Zip, zap, zing, and zone out

Milestones

With the world shifting drastically around me, I haven't had a lot of energy to share here. However, I had a productive and spiritually peaceful day today. Now I can't seem to sleep and I was drawn to my blog to share. THEN I realized, oh my, this weekend marks my three year anniversary in Bloggerville! Milestones have always been important to me, in the respect it helps me keep life in perspective. In past years, milestones would possibly cause me sadness and my view of them could really bring me down. As the years go by, I certainly feel I have a different perspective and respect for milestones. They allow me to take inventory of myself. Am I headed in the direction I want to be going? Do I have have faith and trust myself, as well as trusting my HP? Am I accomplishing the goals I set out to conqueror? Am I painting a picture and laying the foundation of my life to ensure I live and capture my happiness each day?

To answer these questions and take my life to the next level, I had to close the book of a deep and loving relationship close to my heart and soul. As I look back and read through some of my earlier posts, I sit back and am honestly in awe the journey I have walked in the last few years. The power of journalling and sharing the challenges and successes, is truly a miracle in its self. There are so many moments in our lives, it is impossible to remember them all! What a powerful way to help capture a few of those moments, I might otherwise have forgotten or tucked away in a memory buried beneath other memories. I am filled with gratitude today. My heart is sad, but strong today.

"Living with joys and problems affirms my membership in the human race. What sets me apart is the path on which I have been placed to walk. No one can walk it for me, nor can I change my path to suit anyone else." CtoC

"The shell that had enclosed my life, that had prevented me from living and loving, has cracked, and the power of the Al-Anon program is filling the void that for years kept me at a distance from life." ~As We Understood...

Here is to resting peacefully tonight like my precious pup so easily does... Pleasant dreams my friends!

Positive Change Comes with Courage

Yesterday's read in Courage to Change reminded me of several of my friends that have dug deep and found the courage and ability to be honest with themselves to make choices that are changing their lives in big and wonderful ways! Several of my dear friends have accepted new opportunities in other states and have recently moved or are in the process of moving. Although I am selfishly sad to see them go, I am thrilled and ecstatic for this new adventure they are about to begin! I have also had the privilege to watch them blossom into amazing women that are aware and understand the action of self-care. I am so proud of these ladies! The interesting part, I just don't feel as though we are saying goodbye. Yes there will be many miles between us, but I feel so close to these ladies and with the technology today, the world is much smaller and we can stay in touch.

As always, the readings speak for themselves, so I would like to share from June 23rd reading.

"The courage to be honest with ourselves is one quality we can cultivate to help our spiritual growth. It takes a commitment to honesty to admit that someone we love has a drinking problem, that alcoholism and many other things are beyond our control, that there is a source of help greater than ourselves, and that we need the care of that Higher Power.

Honesty allows us to look at ourselves, to share our discoveries with God and others, to admit that we need spiritual help in moving forward, and to free ourselves by making amends for past wrongs.

We need to be truthful with ourselves as we continue to review our attitudes and actions each day. This allows us to be humble enough to reach out to others as equals, and to continue to grow in every area of our lives. Where do we find the courage to be so honest with ourselves? The courage to change the things we can is found in our continuously-developing relationship with a Power great than ourselves.

Today's Reminder
I know that honesty is an essential part of the Twelve Steps. I am willing to be more honest with myself today.  'Where is there dignity unless there is honesty?' ~Marcus Tullius Cicero"

This reading spoke to me personally as well. I recently looked back at a few past journals, as I read I could feel the pain and struggles like they were yesterday. There are still struggles and pain today, but I feel more grounded through the power of courage and honesty to myself and to everyone around me. The view is more clear, I don't know the answers, but I have a better understanding of who I am today, the path I have walked, and who I want to continue to be as a person. I feel that is pretty amazing spiritual growth. The other piece of growth I am proud of lately is my ability to allow myself choices. I am a very practical person, and never take a decision lightly.  In fact I have felt that this strength of mine has many times been my worst enemy and worst character defect, because I will take it the extreme of OVER analyzing the situation and never getting to the point of making a decision or taking action. However, through the courage and honesty of my recovery I have learned that working through my awareness and acceptance is a vital part, and there is no time frame for me to work through that portion. But there must be a point, when I am ready to take that action and move forward with a decision. No matter how small, mundane, or huge, life altering that decision is, it doesn't always have to be set in stone. It doesn't have to be black and white. But what I do have to do, is take action and not just twiddle my thumbs on the fence hoping something or someone else's decision will help me make my choice. Nope, I have to take that step with my own courage towards my own happiness. Taking that power back from the world brings a smile to my face and heart. I am truly loving life today and looking forward to making the best of it, right now in the moment! 

Acceptance of the Dents and Cracks...

I came across this share today online. Honestly, it brought tears to my eyes. I feel like we are all a little broken in one form or another. Bleeding and forming scars as we go along. As we mend, I feel it all just depends on how my perspective and view of those scars continues after the hurt. How do I handle it? The broken part, the difficult haunting past, the pain, and guilt, that all can be managed and put into perspective. It just depends if I let all that run my life today. Same goes for those that I love. Are they letting all those crutches hinder their love to live life today? Perhaps, I know I was letting it weight me down. But not anymore, I am freeing myself of that weight on my shoulders, heart, and soul. Letting it go.  I will continue to love others that are broken. Why? Because I know that pain, and can have compassion. However, will I wallow right there next to them? Well, that answer is changing. There are boundaries now, for myself and for them. I am finding the respect to respect my own boundaries I set for myself and my limitations of what I will accept in other's behaviors. What a relief to live and respect those boundaries. Also to be able to communicate those boundaries to others in a kind and loving way. Powerful miracles. So yes, I will continue to survive and love those that are broken, because I will also be scarred by my past, but those wounds will heal and possibly open to bleed again, but I know how to care for those wounds so they don't get infected and take my life away again. I can only pray those I love will choose a similar path, but that's not for me to decide and I will not deter from my path of recovery. 

Eerie calmness

I came across the reading below online this morning as I wait for my ride. It is appropriate for me today, really everyday, but particularly this morning. Today is an extremely exciting day for me, yet H has a knack for letting me down. Or in more honestly, that is just my expectations letting me down. H is just being who he knows to be. Dealing with his "stuff" on his own terms in his own ways. I am becoming more and more ok with that. That steady eerie peace of acceptance. I am grateful for the calmness, but it also brings a layer of new sadness. However, on the flip side with that sadness is also a layer of relief which releases that judgment, criticism or condemnation towards H of not being what I felt I needed him to be or want him to be. I am getting there, one step at a time. 

My Heart is Sad

I am sad and feel hurt today. I am grateful for the readings that are exactly what I need to hear in the moment. From CtoC page 339, "I am a complex, fascinating human being with a wide range of emotions, experiences, and thoughts." I have to remind myself of that, I don't just have one feeling one at a time, it can be a cocktail (no pun intended) of emotions at one time. I am complex and I am learning to value each of those components. "And I can experience sadness and still be confident that I will be happy again." (CtoC, p 339.) In  my heart I know I am responsible for my own happiness, and I will continue to take steps to renew that drive and apply to get me back on track. Today, I will allow myself to feel the sadness and grieve. It has to begin with me. I can't wait for someone else to be there next to me, walking the path with me. That makes me sad, but it's the truth. Keep me in your prayers tonight, I need the positive energy. I am handing it over to HP. Let her do for me what I can not do for myself.

God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference.

"Life, for all its agonies... is exciting and beautiful, amusing and artful and endearing... and whatever is to come after it-- we shall not have this life again." ~Rose Macaulay 

December Spirit **Jingle**

December is here, just like that in a blink of an eye!  I have enjoyed the last four days off for the Thanksgiving holiday. It was quiet and productive!  I have not been centered the last few weeks. Earlier this week I had a meltdown, I jumped right into that area with my fists up ready to fight and take down the disease of alcoholism. Just like old times... thought I had a fighting chance. **sigh** So after taking a trip back into the dark side and trying to impose my will, somewhere I never wanted to go again, my focus the last few days has been to find my balance again. I surrounded and immersed myself with people I love and things I enjoy doing to find that serenity as a sav to help heal my wounds.

Here are a few things that helped me be able to breath again today with gratitude for what I have right now, not what I wish I had.

This is a feral cat out at my parents. She has quite the story; the brief version, a friend of our family had a cat near her house in the City. They had to go. So they cat and her kittens were dropped off at my parents in the country. She is quite healthy now and is the "official" greeter when you visit my parents. She is a sweetheart and we sat together for a little while outside in the beautiful weather. I am not a huge "cat" person, but I have a respect for all animals and appreciated her company.

This is Ms. Raven. She is also a sweetheart! Recently there were some bigger neighbor dogs on the property and tried to eat Raven. They could of easily broke her back, but gratefully they just bite her back legs. Which with some stitches and a cone of shame for a while, she will be back to normal soon. I spent a lot of my time this weekend with my parents, which always helps me find my inner peace and love for life when I have fallen into the black hole of my own disease of perception and drowning in grief of the life I "wish" I had. Ugh, the family disease of alcoholism is an ugly, cruel, and baffling disease. That is why I appreciate Ms. Raven who makes me smile and laugh at her silly antics. Such as laying in her King size bed so she can see my Mom and I as we worked on the table. 

My garden, a key to my serenity. When I merge my hands into the dirt cleaning the weeds and mending to my plants. I instantly feel a huge relief from whatever chaos I have created in my mind and/or heart. I harvested my first tomatoes of the season! These are a hybrid cherry tomato I tried. They are REALLY small! But man are they tasty! Then I had several cucumbers and zucchini ready. 

Part of my healing, my Mom and I were cruising the fun creative ideas on P-interest! One of the ideas we came across were these adorable lady bug appetizers. Although, I did not have enough of my tomatoes ready and/or big enough, I did use my garden cucumbers and lettuce for this dish. It was easy and fun to do!

Other soothing activities I did for myself; Sadie and I went hiking with some dear friends in our amazing 70 degree weather, I put up the Christmas lights outside, did a little Christmas decorating inside, did a lot of plotting and planning my next sewing projects for gifts, and just hanging out with the pups at home.

In the CtoC reading today, it talks about service. The reading put it in perspective that I am not doing the program a favor; but Al-Anon is doing a favor for me. When I give back to the program and to others, I get more in return than I ever could imagine. In doing service, that is when I see my progress and growth. I work hard to tie in the principles of my program into all aspects of my life. Not always easy; therefore, I knew this week after swinging over to the dark side, I have to step up my service work back in my daily routine; in my meeting and my personal life to help get me back on track.

"What we learn to do we learn by doing." ~Aristotle 

Is It Enough?

For years I would wake up wishing for what I did not have. Trying to manipulate my life to be a fairy tale fantasy. To have the romantic knight and shining armor ride up on his gallant horse to make me happy! To save me from everything and put my heart at ease. I wanted and needed, so I thought, my knight to be my EVERYTHING! I found at the end of the day I was sadly disappointed my expectations were not meet. After years and years of my expectations piling up with resentment that led to my deep and toxic anger. That toxic way of thinking, expecting of others that are not capable of being or giving what I expected brought me to my knees. The energy I exerted trying to change the people around me and my world to fit a twisted fantasy in my head. 

When I finally learned to accept others for exactly who they were, the peace and serenity started to seep into my day. Taking that inventory daily of how important that fantasy was to me and how realistic it would be for expectations I created in my head. If I didn't communicate to others things that I dreamed or wished for, they would never know. They can't read my mind. Then even if I shared those dreams and wished, I am the only one that can make those dreams and wished come true! I am responsible for my own happiness. That was a new concept for me, as I laid that power in others hands for as long as I can remember. It took me a long time, and still working on it daily, to take that power back and help mold my own destiny of happiness. On rough days that I feel down I work hard to focus on the wonderful people, animals, and things I have in my life. I am truly blessed, and always have been, but I was blind and did not see the miracles around me. Today, I can pause, take a deep breath and fill my heart and lungs with gratitude of life. On days that I can be filled with gratitude of what I have today, it is enough. In fact, it is more than enough! I wish I had a road map to explain how I went from fantasy to reality filled with gratitude, but I don't. All I know is I worked my Al-Anon program one day at a time and continue to do my footwork to find that peace and serenity gratitude brings to me today. 

Power of the Mind

Think Positive

If you think you are beaten, 

you are.

If you think you should not,

you shouldn't.

Success begins with your 

own will...

it's all in your state

of mind.

Life's battles are not

always won.

By those who are stronger

or faster;

Sooner or later the person who wins

Is the person who thinks

he can!

I have this on a card I bought at one of the Al-Anon conventions. I am grateful for these little reminders I can pull out of my pocket or purse to set me back on track to tackle anything life has to toss at me. I was able to survive a huge hurdle today that has been on the horizon for sometime now. I allowed it to cause me some anxiety and stress; however, with tremendous support from friends and family, I was able to endure the task at hand. Although results are still to be determined, I have a sense of peace all will be well and will work out just the way they are suppose too. It always renews my faith in human beings to enter a difficult situation and be pleasantly surprised to have others that are down to earth, aim for the truth and facts, and honestly seem to care for the well being of others. That always warms my heart about others that have those traits. Feeling relieved today and grateful for the little miracles around me and the power of positive thinking can help me get through a difficult day or task. 

Good for the Soul

I had productive and peaceful weekend with lots of time to myself and a wonderful afternoon filled with family and laughter. They are good for my soul and help me recharge my courage and strength. I am beyond grateful for them. I have been working really hard to focus on the moment and focus on the positive in my day. When I look at the bigger picture right now, I start to feel like I could falter and that old dread starts to gnaw at my insides. I do not want to go back to that place. Life is so fragile. I do not want to waste another minute focusing on the things I have NO CONTROL and cannot change. Instead, keeping that focus on the things I can control and the things I CAN change. 

I feel as though I have stumbled quite a bit lately in what I say. Generally, I feel like I can have grace in what I say to others. However, lately, that does not feel like the case. I am not sure what lesson I am suppose to learn through these mishaps, but I am working to keep my eyes, heart, and mind open to pick it up soon! 

A dear friend of mine was on my mind this morning. The last few years, if someone is on my mind, I will reach out with a simple message. That could be an email, phone call, text, mailing a letter/card, or whatever the moment calls for, but something to let them know they are on my mind and I appreciate/love them. Because I do with all my heart. However, sometimes I am interrupted for various reasons and do not get the message out when I originally thought of them. I had a pleasant surprise this morning, that dear friend that I was thinking of today actually sent me a message first! It brought tears to my eyes and I could feel the love. I am forever grateful for my dear friends that know who I am and what I'm all about, and love me all the same. 

As life tosses challenges at me and I duck, bob, weave, and sometimes get hit in the face due to not bobbing fast enough, I am continually reminding myself to be gentle with myself. Today I shuffled the power thought cards my friend gave me to see what I needed to read for today. Forgiveness. The reminder was to forgive myself. The "mistakes" I feel I have been making lately, I need to forgive myself and release the worry and turmoil I put myself through. Make my amends, majority of the time with myself since the "mistakes" are most likely in my head and no one even noticed. Forgiving myself will help me release me from the past. Forgiveness is the answer to almost every problem. A lot of my problems, I have created in my own mind and then that can escalate to other issues that never needed to be there. If I forgive myself for not doing something better or perfect, that goes a LONG ways! **deep breath** Forgiveness is a gift to myself. That gift can be in the present, forgive myself and set myself free. 

I would like to end with sharing a quote I came across this week, that I loved. It provides a slightly different perspective, that I always enjoy! Progress not perfection. 

Are Your Windows Clean?

I came across a reading the other day that made me think. It was simple and provided a different perspective to viewing what we see in life.

The reading went something like this...

A young couple moves into a new neighborhood. The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside. "That laundry is not very clean; she doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap." Her husband looks on, remaining silent. Every time her neighbor hangs her wash to dry, the young woman makes the same comments. The woman is surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and says to her husband: "Look, she's finally learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this? " The husband replies, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."

What we see when watching others depends on the clarity of the window through which we look.

List From the Past

It's been a lazy, lazy day. Lots of lounging and tinkering around the house. H & I have been home all day. That alone is a rarity. Then add being completely lazy to that and it creates pure awesome.

H has been sick on and off for the last few months. Folks at work have been sick. I'm working hard to stay healthy, but today I'm feeling a little run down. I really hope and pray I don't get sick this week.

Earlier today I cleaned out my sewing table. It was a bit of a mess. I organized all my threads and patterns. Although, I still did not get any further on my sewing projects. All in due time I suppose. Interesting enough I found a "list" in one of my sewing drawers. It was a list of things I love about H and things I wish he would change. As long as I can remember during our relationship I have made these lists about H. Generally these lists were created in times of desperation. I knew deep within my heart that I loved this person, but had such anger and hatred for his actions. I don't remember really feeling better after I wrote each of these lists. However, now I had a reminder of things that I did love about this person. The portion of what I wanted to change, really never changed it was always the same four or five things. Of course reviewing this old list, I know better now that the "dislike" portion of the list are things that I don't have control over. No wonder I never felt better.

Then just a few minuets ago I picked up Courage to Change and read the daily reading for today. I'd like to share the reading with you now.

I can easily itemize my loved one's limitations. Hours pass while I list the ways in which he could stand to change.

But not one thing has ever improved as a result of this mental criticism. all it does is keep my mind on someone other than me. Instead of admitting my powerlessness over another person's choices and attitudes, I flirt with illusions of power. In the end I am a little more bitter, more hopeless, and more frustrated. And nothing about my situation, or the other person, has changed.

What would happen if I took my list of criticisms and applied it, gently, to myself? I may complain about my loved one's verbal abuse-after all, I don't speak to him that way. But at the level of thought, I am just as abusive. The same attitude exists in both of us; we just manifest it differently.

Today's Reminder: Al-Anon says, "Let It Begin with Me." When I identify something I dislike in another, I can look for similar traits within myself and begin to change them. By changing myself, I truly can change the world.

Peace of mind depends on recognizing our own shortcomings. An honest personal inventory helps us recognize our strengths and weaknesses. ~This Is Al-Anon

Honestly, it sort of brought tears to my eyes. This reading literally had, Dear Me, written at the top. I mark all my Al-Anon books with my thoughts. This page was blank. As I've said before, it amazes me how this literature can be so powerful for so long over and over. I don't remember reading this page, but I realized today that I was ready for the message. Although I still can create a list of H's limitations in my mind, I spend less time with this wasted exercise. I think I use to believe if I wished hard enough or believed in something long enough things would change. Instead, that illusion of power started to destroy my life. The reading mentions flirting with that illusion. I was beyond flirting, I was full on engaged with that character defect. My bitterness, hopeless, and frustration could be felt from coast to coast. Today being able to see the perspective that we were both manifesting that abuse, but in different ways. Makes me realize my part in the disease. As the reading described above, I endured the verbal abuse, but I returned it full force in my thoughts toward H. Those negative and abusive thoughts are what brought me to my knees. Those thoughts were hurting H and me. By realizing what is my part and how to work on improving that has helped me clean up my side of the street.

I reviewed the list of changes I desired in H. I asked myself as the reading suggested, could I apply any of these changes to myself? Pretty much everything on the list I could apply to myself. Interesting part is I feel like I have been working on each of the items on the list. Fascinating how everything works out the way it's suppose too. Let it begin with me.