My Heart is Sad

I am sad and feel hurt today. I am grateful for the readings that are exactly what I need to hear in the moment. From CtoC page 339, "I am a complex, fascinating human being with a wide range of emotions, experiences, and thoughts." I have to remind myself of that, I don't just have one feeling one at a time, it can be a cocktail (no pun intended) of emotions at one time. I am complex and I am learning to value each of those components. "And I can experience sadness and still be confident that I will be happy again." (CtoC, p 339.) In  my heart I know I am responsible for my own happiness, and I will continue to take steps to renew that drive and apply to get me back on track. Today, I will allow myself to feel the sadness and grieve. It has to begin with me. I can't wait for someone else to be there next to me, walking the path with me. That makes me sad, but it's the truth. Keep me in your prayers tonight, I need the positive energy. I am handing it over to HP. Let her do for me what I can not do for myself.

God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference.

"Life, for all its agonies... is exciting and beautiful, amusing and artful and endearing... and whatever is to come after it-- we shall not have this life again." ~Rose Macaulay 

Day 22: Seasonal

We don't necessarily have the four seasons here in the desert. We have spring-like weather about eight months out of the year, three months it's hot, and about one month is slightly chilly. Exactly how I love it!

However, today I didn't think of Nature's seasons when I read seasonal. I honestly keep thinking about the book by Gary Chapman, The Four Seasons of Marriage & Relationships. Mr. Chapman has a heavy Christian influence, which is fine. I personally an not a big fan of organized religion for myself; however, I can still find value in books and writings of that nature. I simply use the tool, "Take what you like, and leave the rest." That is and has always been a comfort and relief to me. Anyhow, I haven't actually read this book but I always find myself picking it up at the book stores and pursuing through it. I love analogs that help put difficult things into perspective! That is one thing I'm grateful for the Al-Anon program, there are many analogs shared that help put a feeling or situation into perspective that I can relate too or help put those feelings or situations into words, that I didn't know how to verbalize before. 

On the topic of Mr. Chapman, I did purchase his The Five Love Languages book several years ago. So simple and basic, but extremely effective! At least in my situation I found it helpful! It really helped me figure out what was important to me and explained why did certain things in my relationship. I was attempting to fill those VERY empty love tanks. H doesn't buy into any "self-help" book or guru. I had to let that go many, many years ago. That's fine, it doesn't mean I can't read and try some of these tools to see if they fit my life. Then one day, I nonchalantly asked H if he would take the "man" 5 love language test online and emailed him the link. No strings attached, just see what it says. Of course I received the usually response, that meant no way was he going to waste his time doing that. Which was what I expected. Several days later, H sent me the results of his test!!!!! I'll be honest, I about fell out of my chair when I saw the email! He took the test. Wow. He grumbled that he did it, but I was THRILLED, I had something to work with! After reading the results, it made sense to why certain things I did worked and didn't work. Most of my actions I did in our relationship were in attempt to fill my own love tanks and not his. Visa verse. So today when we have a "rough" day, I do try to remember those things that are important to him and try to implement that into the day to help relieve some of that tension. Most of the time it works. Today, I'm grateful for the many tools I can use for various situations in my relationships.

Imperfections

One of my friends posted this on FB today.

Simple.
Perfect.
Beautiful.

It is an amazing journey to find what those imperfections are
and
learning to see the beauty within myself.

"My goal is not to live a long time, but to live a lot." Unknown

Easy Does It

Courage to Change April 24th

"When something isn't working the way I think it should, I can think about the slogan, "Easy Does It." Instead of redoubling my effort, I can slow down and reassess the situation. The answer I seek may be staring me in the face, but sometimes I have to let go of what I'm doing before I can see it.

I was trying to zip a removable lining back into my coat, but it wasn't working. I pushed as hard as I could, trying to force it to slide, but it wouldn't budge. Finally I saw that I had been trying to fit the lining's zipper into the coat's front zipper. No wonder I couldn't make it work!

How many times in my life have I don't the same thing: forced a solution? I've tried to "zip" myself to people and situations that didn't "fit" me, becoming frustrated and disheartened in the process. But I've learned that easy does it. I can take the time to see if I "match" what I think I want before I jump in and start "zipping." My life is more serene because I'm not pushing to make myself fit somewhere I don't belong.

Today's Reminder
If my plans hit a snag today, I will step back for a moment and take a calm look at the situation before moving ahead.

'Easy Does It'... Think about it when you're in a hurry to do something and everything seems to go wrong... You'll be surprised how much this one little idea can do for you."


I wanted to share the daily reading from yesterday. I get a lot out of analogs that can help me visualize and help apply that visual to a feeling or situation that I have a hard time putting into words. I can completely relate to the "zipping" into situations and people that are just not a fit. I've tried to force a relationship that perhaps had simply run it course and it was time for the two of us to go our separate ways. As I'm working step eight with my sponsor I have a few friends from the past that are on that list. I'm grateful this step is simply making a list and then just becoming willing to make those amends. No action is taken at the time. I look forward to moving forward and getting to the point where those amends can be made within myself and feel more at peace with the situations that happened. More will be revealed and grateful that I have patience with that situation to work it out slowly with my Higher Power.  I know in time I will work through all the pieces and come to peace with the situation, and perhaps the individuals as well.

I've been able to apply the last quote of the reading to my daily commute back and forth to work. There are days that I'm just running behind from the moment I woke up. I feel rushed and trying to get out the door to make sure I get to work on time. However, when I'm in that "rushed" mode; I hit EVERY red light, get behind EVERY slow person driving 10 miles under the speed limit, and come across 9 of the 10 horrible accidents that occurred that morning on my way to work. So I've been practicing for the last year or so, that when my morning starts out feeling rushed, I try to stop for a second and take several deep breaths. Sometimes before I leave the driveway, I'll read a quick daily reading like the one above. Then, I focus on just doing the speed limit and pick one lane and stay in that lane. Then I visualize my work office building, I will get there when I get there. I sit back in my seat and enjoy the drive. I turn on one of my favorite radio stations and turn the tunes up. The other trick I've tried is NOT looking at the clock. That just makes me anxious! I do set my alarm on my phone to go off about 5 minutes before I'm suppose to be at work. 97% of the time, when I can put all of this into practice, I get to work on time when I thought there was no physical way I would of made it on time! Miracles. There are a few times that my alarm goes off and I'm more than 5 minutes away, so I call the office to let them know I'm a few minutes behind. Done. I have to take that stress out of the situation or it carries throughout my day. Stress is a toxic poison for me, and I don't want to take that poison anymore. Easy does it my friend.

What tricks have you tried to help you slow down and not hurry through something?

As I Say Yes to Life, Life Says Yes to Me

Life mirrors my every thought.
As I keep my thoughts positive,
Life brings to me good experiences.

Stars, Snow, Strikes, and Serenity

There is a lot going on right now, so I feel like my writing is looking back over my shoulder right now instead of the right now. I read and follow such a variety of websites, FB Fan pages, blogs, etc, etc, that I do tend to forget were I actually found the awesome quote, saying, or cool video! I need to be better at my documentation so I can cite more correctly. Thankful it's progress and not perfection. Well, I believe the following video was posted on a FB fan page I follow and I loved it! Please take a moment to enjoy the universe that is larger than us. Amazing and absolutely beautiful!

http://vimeo.com/ajrclips/starsfromspace


The Northern and Southern part of the state received a lot of snow this last weekend when a cold storm system rolled through. Near my house, I have an awesome view of one of the mountain ranges to the north that were covered completely by the snow! Also amazing and absolutely beautiful! Please enjoy a few photos I took.

 I love this photo!

I first thought this was not one of my best shots. I started to crop the photo but stopped when I realized the human aspect of the photo sort of added to it in a way. So I left the photo alone to the exact moment I took the photo and life zoomed on by as I was enjoying this natural beauty. These mountains are just west of the previous photo.

As I mentioned I was going to another Spring Training game on Monday. Here are a few photos from the game. I love this game! It was such a peaceful day and always enjoy my time with my wonderful friend. I always feel at ease with her and be myself without being judged. She is an amazing person and grateful to have her in my life.



 I love sitting in the lawn seats. With the clouds and the sun peaking out here and there, it really gave a spectacular view of the stadium and field. I will admit, it was pretty chilly on Monday! Especially since the sun decided to stay behind the clouds most of the game! Brrrrr

I don't have a particular team that I "follow". We were sitting next to the bull pen for the White Soxs, so we did spend sometime  watching the pitchers warm up. Man those guys can pitch FAST! Where we were standing was sort of like standing in the batter box. We could almost feel the whoosh of the ball and crack of the ball hitting the catchers glove. Music to my ears.

 I can NEVER pass up a chance to take a beautiful scenic photo. I love reflection photos. I might have to dig through some old photos and share some of my favorite reflection shots.

This evening I tried a completely new meeting not only to me, but they just started up about three months ago! I continue to be grateful my H.P. speaks through others. It was a great meeting on the third step. The third step is "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him." Looking back I realize this step was life changing for me. I was able to find a spiritual path that worked for me and find a H.P. that was only mine and that I understood. Then to continue to build the relationship with that H.P. to help me turn over my self-will and hand it over. Powerful stuff when I start to see all my hard work starting to occur in my everyday life. I attribute a lot of my peacefulness and serenity lately to my strong relationship with my H.P. and letting go of the things I can't control and can't cure. It is soooooo important for me to go to meetings to listen and hear other people's perspectives, experience, strength, and hope. It has been a vital piece to my recovery growth.

Tea Time

One of my favorite moments of the day is right now. My husband is asleep and resting. I'm curled up in the recliner with my laptop, sipping my "sleep time" tea with a little raw honey stirred in. With the puppies laying next to me and who occasionally glance at me with the look, "Are we going to bed yet?" It's a good relaxing time for me to reflect on the day.

It was a busy day, but good. I love being home. The wind is blowing like crazy outside! I believe there is a little system blowing through, but I haven't seen any clouds, just a lot of wind.

I didn't have any aha moments today. Which is ok. However, I did enjoy the daily reading in Courage to Change.

"We all make mistakes. But hopefully, as we apply Al-Anon program and continue to grow in self-awareness, we will learn from those mistakes. Amends can be made for any harm we've done, ad we can change our behavior and attitudes so that we won't repeat the same errors. Thus, even painful past experiences can help us learn to create a better future.

The greatest obstacle to this learning process is shame. Shame is an excuse to hate ourselves today for something we did or didn't do in the past. There is no room in a shame-filled mind for the fact that we did our best at the time, no room to accept that as human beings we are bound to make mistakes.

If I feel ashamed, I need a reality check because my thinking is probably distorted. Even though it may take great courage, if I share about it with an Al-Anon friend, I will interrupt the self-destructive thoughts and make room for a more loving and nurturing point of view. With a little help, I may discover that even my most embarrassing moments can bless my life by teaching me to turn in a more positive direction.

Today's Reminder: Today I will love myself enough to recognize shame as an error in judgement.

"The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love, which includes not only others but ourselves as well." Elisabeth Kubler-Ross"

I find it extremely comforting to read these books everyday. They help me tremendously to take what's in my head and continue to sort and organize the thoughts and memories that still need to be twisted and turned to fit into the puzzle I am working on. For me I believe it is key to have the self-awareness and willingness to accept when I've made a mistake or was in the wrong. Then to find the courage to make the amend. I didn't necessarily realize, until I read the reading today that I did, and still do, have a little shame that lingers for past actions I've done. I find that shame tends to rear it's ugly head, and until today didn't necessarily have a name, when I start to ponder and fret about the things I did not do. Today, I find it is easier for me to let go of mistakes that I've actually done, made amends to myself and others and then I can generally move on. However, those things or actions that I didn't take because of various reasons, such as fear or to busy meddling in someone else's business, those are the pieces of the puzzle that I hold in my tight fist and beat myself up with shame! 

Perhaps I have some "actions" to take! If I fail or it doesn't work out, it appears that I'm easier on myself when I at least try. Instead of beating myself up later for not even taking that step! Maybe I typed an error and I am having an aha moment tonight.

My amazing tea is gone and I need to get to bed as I have Bootcamp dark and early. So I will sleep on this thought, and pray on it. I'll just keep working on the power of unconditional love and practicing the concept of applying it, to others and myself. 

Good night!

It's Only Change

Lots to process from yesterday. It was a good day. I felt, saw, and heard miracles happening all around me.

My power thought card today shared, "It's only change."  "I cross all bridges with joy and ease. The "old" unfolds into wonderful new experiences. My life gets better all the time."

These cards in a way, help me with my self-talk. I have to be gentle and kind to myself, which I haven't always been. I could beat myself up in my head better than anyone. Although, I did give the power to others to add to that internal/emotional whipping. However, I realize now I made that choice to allow them to help with that abuse.

I don't always cross all the bridges with joy and ease. Sorry, that's impossible. However, I certainly have good intentions to unfold those old patterns and habits to allow new miracles to occur. I feel that I crossed a Golden Gate size bridge last night! We had a business meeting last night where we are tackling some topics that have arose from our recent Group Inventory. I had the privilege to help run the meeting. I must say we have some amazing people in our group, and I have respect, compassion, and love for each of them. We tackled some big & important topics that could of resulted in chaos. But because we allowed our higher power to work with us and referred back to the Al-Anon traditions, concepts, and warranties, we worked through those topics to come to a solution to help us move forward. It was VERY powerful the strength, honesty, openness, change, and courage that was flowing through that room!

My life gets better all the time. I would have to agree with that statement. I believe it does, because I choose to have a better life. Someone shared in the business meeting she remembers when I accepted the Group Representative position three years ago and she sees a completely different person in me today. The affirmation was whole heartily appreciated. In addition, I realized at that moment one of the miracles of my recovery was I wasn't seeking that affirmation externally for my part in the group. Wow, I've come a long way! Don't get me wrong, it was a cherry on top to hear that and made my night. But that is just it, it was a bonus, not what motivated me through my day! I acknowledge, I need verbal and/or written affirmations, that is just who I am. But what a relief to not be driven every moment of the day to feel complete with that constant need for a pat on the back.

I was just a few months into Al-Anon when I jumped in feet first into service. I attribute a lot of my recovery growth to my service work. I've felt privilege to serve for my group and have met a lot of wonderful people, that are now amazing friends. The program, the group, and each and every person that has walked through those doors has helped me find serenity, courage, and strength to take another step forward in a positive direction. Just as important I am finding that confidence and self-esteem within myself. And when I temporarily lose all of that at any moment, I can pull from the strength of the group temporarily to help me get back on my feet without worrying about judgement or criticism of "screwing up." What a relief and great support system!

Change: it is a good thing, depending on what we decide to do with it!

Mind Shuffle

Wow, what a beautiful day! The weather is just amazing. Partly cloudy all day with a nice breeze and still in the high 60's/low 70's. Tonight it looks like the moon is full, shining bright through the thin clouds.

I have a lot on my mind tonight. It sort of feels like an iPod full of music and is on random shuffle mode! There are a few things I need to sit with and process. So bare with me, I have a feeling this is going to be all over the map!

Today I came to the realization that I have some work to do with trust. I feel there are different levels of trust I have with various people in my life. I've always been a very trusting individual of others. Although I do tend to have my guard up on specific topics with certain people. A lot of that guard is a result of being hurt. Over the years, I think I built up that guard due to not completely trusting myself in a situation or even my inability to relinquish control of the situation, which was most likely an illusion of control anyways! I acknowledge that I have a perspective that trust has different layers. Those different layers can trigger various reactions and feelings in me. The difficult part is not to react to those feelings. I don't just completely not trust someone or full heartily trust someone completely. I definitely live in a grey area on this topic. What I need to process: is the guard that I have up with this other person me having a bad attitude towards the whole situation or is it my intuition warning me to be cautious with this person for now. I'm sure there are other possibilities, but I'm not seeing them right now, part of why I need to sit with this. I feel it could be a little of both, but more the later. I need to listen to myself and my Higher Power, that it's ok to be guarded due to past experiences with this individual. However, I don't have to lose complete hope in the situation, but I don't have to completely open myself to that vulnerability today. That trust has to be rebuilt. I do believe that I need to first start with the trust in myself, and recognize that I deserve to be trusted by myself and others. I have integrity in every aspect of my life. Whether the other person acknowledges that or not, that is up to them. I can't control that. What I can control is my attitude. I know that I practice a high level of integrity in all of my affairs.

I am not big into politics. In fact, I despise it. However, I am registered to vote and vote as much as I can. I know the presidential primary is coming to our state soon. I need to sit down and decide which of the lesser evils I'm going to support with my vote.

JJ is not feeling well again. I'm thankful the vet called in a prescription for antibiotics for him, without me having to bring him in. I am very grateful for that! We know what the problem is and there is not much I can do right now, but simply try to keep his infection down and help his quality of life be the best it can be. I love my little guy, but need to realize he is up in his 70's in doggie years! Yikes! I know the end is nearing and this is usually when I have to go back and read one of my very first posts of about Care Deeply & Speak Kindly dog story.

I need to hand a lot of this over to my Higher Power. Pray. and remember to breath.

The reading for today talks about having a goal to simply walk forward in a positive direction, one small step at time. Nothing huge, just one foot in front of the other. I am willing to work through all of this one breath at time.

"To improve the golden moment of opportunity, and catch the good that is within our reach, is the great art of life." Samuel Johnson
Time to rest.

Friday Off

My husband and I spent the day yesterday visiting friends and spending time with family. It was a day full of hugs, laughter, and amazing food! I'm very grateful for the stress free day full of humor and genuine smiles. It was a blessing this year to simply enjoy the day and wonderful people around me. Although, we didn't get to see all of our family and friends, I didn't stress about it. It was just a Thursday that everyone had the day off. We will get together with everyone else soon. It was an amazing feeling to not try to control/plan the whole day while trying to accommodate the universe. I did the best I could with the requests that came my direction. For some of the requests I was able to provide an honest but gentle no. Because yesterday I worked my program and lived in the moment, today I feel at peace. What a great way to enjoy the day!

I took a photo of my sister's tree we set up yesterday. The photo is a little blurry since it rotates constantly! It turned out very pretty. I honestly can't figure out why the photo won't flip and I have spent to much time trying to figure it out, so letting it go... You get the idea :0)

Today's Reminder is "Sometimes the greatest growth comes through pain, but it's not the pain that helps me grow, it's my response to it. Will I suffer through the experience and continue as before or let the pain inspire changes that help me grow? The choice is mine."

It continues to amaze me the different perspectives that are available to me today. I've read this reminder many times, usually in the moment of a crisis. During the crisis, it gave me hope that this to shall pass and I will survive. Giving me hope to take that crisis as a moment of opportunity to learn. Today, thankfully not in a crisis, I can read it in peace and see the power of the words and the power my program has giving me to walk through the pain, feel the pain, and hopefully gain a new healthy perspective through the pain. I'm grateful for my spiritual growth today to be able to continue to look for opportunities to grow in each situation. I'm also grateful I walk this journey one day at a time with awareness and willingness in my tool bag.

Forgiving

I'm grateful that I live each day striving for progress and not perfection. This is a comforting reminder to myself daily. It helps me be gentle with myself as I work through life.

I had a dream last night about an old friend. I have a long history with this friend. We grew up and walked many roads together over the years. Today will mark almost three years since we have spoken or had any communication. You could say we had a "falling out". I was very angry with the situation and how it played out. Looking back I'm not entirely pleased with how I handled myself, which is the part I had control over. In addition, it wasn't just the specific situation that made me angry, it was many years of a one way friendship. In my own disease, I thought I could change this person and had MANY expectations for years that started to rot into resentments. It's difficult to have a relationship with someone that I continued to give, give, and give with not much in return. This was not a healthy relationship. In fact, looking back as long as I can remember, it was a "convenient" friendship for my friend. I truly believe this person has a good heart and was a good friend at times. It just wasn't a perfect match for us to be friends. I'm proud of myself for moving on from the friendship. I'm not proud of how I severed the friendship and continued to brew about it after the fact. I know it is time to let go, forgive, and move on. One of my favorite quotes out of Courage to Change is "Forgiving is not forgetting, its letting go of the hurt." I also know in my heart I have to work through taking responsibility for my part and to make those amends to myself first, then reach out for to the old friend to make further amends, if that is appropriate when that time comes. It's in my Higher Power's hands and time, not mine. Surprisingly, I've been patient with this little part of my journey.

Before I can even image forgiving her, I have to start with amends to myself. Which I must say are going really well! After the dream last night really hit home on many of the resentments that I've clung to for all these years. It was fascinating to view these tough feelings in my dream (which accurately represented the ones I really feel), but also see them in a new light and acceptance. Although I still struggled in the dream, and stumbled many times as I have in the past, in a way, it was freeing to see progress in my letting go of the resentments I've been choking on for years. The freedom to let go and peace of serenity to exist in a world with this individual is in the near future.

Today, I continue to work to take back the power I gave this individual to ruin my day, weeks, months, and now years. I find it interesting that a lot of my resentments towards others for something that happened in the past, that person generally has no clue that I'm upset about what happened! One reason is I never said anything and let it stay tangled inside. I'm getting better in my everyday life now in speaking my truth and being honest of how I'm feeling at that time and NOT letting it stay buried. There are these few situations in my past that have caused so much pain, that I can quickly switch back to my old character defects and thinking. Reminds me of a quote in the Blueprint for Progress, "The poison I take hoping that you will die!" Resentment is a horrible poison to give myself. Today I can say that the only action I would take on that stinking thinking is to keep working on those amends and talking it out with my sponsor until I allow myself to be released from the painful moments that resentment keeps me locked up. In Courage to Change, "Resentments mark the places where I see myself as a victim. I want to let them go because they cost me to much self esteem. I will love myself enough to release myself from the closet in which resentment keeps me locked." 

This unusual friendship we had felt like this some days...

Frustrating

Bearing the extra weight for a friend

And felt like this on other days...

Partner in crime

Stand up for each other

Until I felt the end was nearing...

"If we want to stop the vicious cycle of unhappiness, we must learn new ways of living, new ways of relating to each other." Unknown

Early Monday Morning

Hope

I will forever be second to the alcohol. Doesn’t matter how much I let go and let god and detach with love and compassion. When the reality smacks me in the face, like last night, it will forever bring a tear to my eyes and an ache to my heart. Today I will stay focused on what is important. “Here is a day full of hours and minutes in which nothing has yet happened. I’ve made no mistakes, suffered no trouble.” ODAT page 318. I will focus on today and all of its beautiful possibilities!  

God, Grant me the serenity

To accept the things I can not change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference.

Sunday, I had the opportunity to pick up a dear friend from the 3 day 60 mile walk for Breast Cancer. The powerful and inspirational energy felt at the closing ceremony was a little over whelming, but beautiful. I’m very proud of her accomplishment! It brings hope to my aching heart during these moments of sadness. There is hope for those with a disease to fight. Hope. Hope helps fight a disease and not let it take their heart and soul. Not everyone has the drive to fight the disease. Not everyone has the tools to help them find a healthier way to live. I will say a prayer and hand these people over to their higher power.

I’m grateful today that I can detach with love. Praying for strength today.

Strength

I love the wonderful energy and people in my home group. The strength each person brings to the meeting is amazing. The topic was a mixture of taking care of yourself and having that self-worth, along with gratitude. I can remember the days when I was so obsessed with fixing and trying to control everyone’s life around me. Instead of living mine. I felt so lost, alone, sad, and angry. My life truly became unmanageable, because nobody was doing what I thought they should be doing! Wow, talk about a wake up call for me to finally realize that any change had to start with me. To shift my thought processes in a completely different direction doesn’t happen over night. Or a New York second as one of my friends says.

Then as I started working the program and trying new ways of reacting I was able to start changing my attitude and perspective towards different aspects of my life. Even when I couldn’t apply this new mind set, just being aware of this new mind set and recognize there might be a different attitude or perspective to be had! It took having an open mind and open heart to help apply this new practice. Also, trial and error until I found what worked for me. Even then, I’m constantly having to evolve because people, places, and things are constantly changing around me and I have to have the level of flexibility to shift my thoughts and how I react. When I started trying new behaviors and simply NOT reacting to every little thing that happened around me. there were some that didn’t like this “change”. These individuals expressed my new behaviors was bad and Wrong. It was scary for me, as well as to them, but it was (and is) the right thing to do. I was taking that power back that I had so easier handed over to everyone else. I was a puppet of all the emotions and chaos around me. As someone shared in the meeting, as we experimented with this new freedom to take care of ourselves, we would try something new and duck. The reason we are unsure is that someone most likely wasn’t going to like it, because they are deep in their own disease. Then as I become more courageous in putting this new healthy practice into play, I felt I had to justify to everyone WHY I need to make these changes. It is a blessing to get to a point where I can make the shift to do something for myself and not feel the urge to justify why I’m doing it. Or even feel the guilt that would engulf me when I would even consider doing something for myself. I’m not being selfish; I’m finally finding and applying the self-worth and self-love I lost so many years ago.

What a beautiful day! I had the wonderful opportunity to spend some quality time with my sponsor. Who I love dearly and is an amazing friend.

Healing

I didn't sleep well yesterday and I woke up today with a huge knot in my right shoulder for the second day. Ugh. Yesterday I went to the Chiropractor for an adjustment, since I haven't made it over there in about a month, which helped. Then last night I tried a Reiki healing session. Which was good, but I still woke up again today with this painful knot in my shoulder. The gal last night made a comment she could feel I was carrying the world around on my shoulders! As soon as she said it, I had a flash back to so many years of holding the burdens of everyone around me on my shoulders. Despite being in a really good place lately, something has sneaked up on me and apparently it isn't letting go or I'm not letting it go!

I've been trying to be gentle with myself and not let the stress, anxiety, and worry of why I have this horrible knot/pain! I took the next couple of days off to try to relax and find my center again. I recently received a copy of the November 2011 Forum. Which is a monthly newsletter that Al-Anon publishes. It has wonderful stories from members around the world. One of the stories titled One Moment Changed my Program Forever, really made me think about if I'm converting back to one of my own defects of complicating my own life? The article describes something this member heard many years ago and it has really stayed with her. She heard, "I complicate my own life." I can relate to that saying, I was a pro at sabotaging my feelings, thoughts, and actions.

I also can relate to hearing someone's sharing that has made a huge impact on my recovery. One of the first things I heard was "don't push the river", this was huge for me! I've had dreams (or nightmare?) of me standing in the middle of a river facing up stream trying to divert the flow of the water. That is ridiculous, right?! For years my mind logically knew this would not work, but I still practiced the concept in all my affairs trying to control and manipulate different people, places, and things so I didn't have to address what I was really feeling or worried about. Of course back then, I didn't realize I was avoiding what was really going on.

So I've been trying to sit and meditate what is going on right now that might of triggered some of these old character defects I thought I had under control? Since I have been enjoying each day and things around me, am I trying to sabotage these good moments and feelings? So I came across another article in the Forum on Step Eleven. I haven't "officially" done this step yet, but can relate to it today and take a moment to really apply it. Step Eleven is "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out." It just reminds me to continue working on being in the moment and strengthening my connection with my Higher Power as I understand it. The article has a good suggestion of while I'm in the moment, whether I'm in a conversation, reading a book, driving, or just sitting to be aware of my five senses. Keeping my mind and concentration on the task at hand. Saying the serenity prayer really helps me not only step back from a situation and/or feeling, but helps me connect and use my five senses. As I work through each of these moments (and knots), it's all part of my healing. My journey. My beautiful recovery to living a more serene life. The article words is perfectly, "... the joy in my smile and laughter, and the sureness in my footsteps. This is the way I will live the rest of my life." I strive for this everyday. I'm not always successful, but that's ok, most of the time I am.

Thank you for this day, let me be willing.

To Take Offense

I love the daily readings in the Al-Anon literature. I try to start my days with a reading to help frame my mind and thoughts in the right direction. I'd like to share today's reading.

ODAT page 240
"An interesting exercise, and one well worth a few moments of reflection, would be to consider the exact meaning of the phrase "to take offense."
These words describe an act of willingly taking into ourselves a hurt we feel somebody intended to inflect on us. We take offense. We don't have to take it. We are free to refuse to be hurt by a spiteful remark or malicious action.
So the whole matter really rests with us. The choice of accepting or rejecting an offense is ours alone.

Today's Reminder
It may not be easy at first, but if I keep reminding myself that I will not permit myself to be hurt by what anyone says or does, it can bring about an amazing change in my attitude and disposition.
Whenever I feel I am being hurt by someone, I will silently refuse to take offense or take any action to retaliate. What a relief it will be to have such incidents vanish into thin air, leaving not a mark on me! I will not accept offense. 'What can words do to me unless I take them to heart?'"

Wow, this one really strikes home with me. Part of my insanity was I absorbed EVERYTHING! I would take on the offense every chance I could whether it was directed at me or not. I'm truly amazed at the coping skills I adopted in attempt to survive each day with Alcoholism. Today, I refuse to take the offense to everything occurring around me. I'll be honest, some days I'm more successful than others. Again, reminding myself to be gentle with myself. Also to realize I didn't learn this coping skill overnight and it runs deep within my soul, it's not going to take a New York second to not want to use that insanity. Simply having the choice to refuse to take offense, is simply amazing in its self. I can feel the shift in my disposition when I stopped internalizing the hurt, whether it was directed and me or not. For me it took a lot of willingness to help apply this method into practice.

Have a wonderful Saturday my friends!

I love how beautiful our skies are...