Taking the Power Back

Life happens to all of us. Each and everyday we have struggles. Some struggles bigger than others. Don't give up on yourself. Take the happiness back, no matter what the struggle is. Learn the lesson, release the pain, and move on. Scars remind us of where we have been, not where we are headed.

Short and sweet today, but this short post resonated deep with me and really reminded me of several posts I have shared in the past over my few shorts years here in Bloggerville. :) 

Milestones

With the world shifting drastically around me, I haven't had a lot of energy to share here. However, I had a productive and spiritually peaceful day today. Now I can't seem to sleep and I was drawn to my blog to share. THEN I realized, oh my, this weekend marks my three year anniversary in Bloggerville! Milestones have always been important to me, in the respect it helps me keep life in perspective. In past years, milestones would possibly cause me sadness and my view of them could really bring me down. As the years go by, I certainly feel I have a different perspective and respect for milestones. They allow me to take inventory of myself. Am I headed in the direction I want to be going? Do I have have faith and trust myself, as well as trusting my HP? Am I accomplishing the goals I set out to conqueror? Am I painting a picture and laying the foundation of my life to ensure I live and capture my happiness each day?

To answer these questions and take my life to the next level, I had to close the book of a deep and loving relationship close to my heart and soul. As I look back and read through some of my earlier posts, I sit back and am honestly in awe the journey I have walked in the last few years. The power of journalling and sharing the challenges and successes, is truly a miracle in its self. There are so many moments in our lives, it is impossible to remember them all! What a powerful way to help capture a few of those moments, I might otherwise have forgotten or tucked away in a memory buried beneath other memories. I am filled with gratitude today. My heart is sad, but strong today.

"Living with joys and problems affirms my membership in the human race. What sets me apart is the path on which I have been placed to walk. No one can walk it for me, nor can I change my path to suit anyone else." CtoC

"The shell that had enclosed my life, that had prevented me from living and loving, has cracked, and the power of the Al-Anon program is filling the void that for years kept me at a distance from life." ~As We Understood...

Here is to resting peacefully tonight like my precious pup so easily does... Pleasant dreams my friends!

Loss for Words

Not all who wander are lost. I bought a backpack with this quote on it recently during my visit back to the Grand Canyon.  I love this quote, and the beauty of the Grand Canyon! I have really felt at a cross road in my personal and spiritual life. I have also felt at a loss for words when it comes to expressing myself lately, not only to others but to myself. So I have been struggling with perspective. Also struggling with inspiration to write. Which in its self is strange for me. So this quote and the support of my friends sharing their experience, strength, and hope, have helped me realize that I am exactly where I need to be today. Perhaps I need this period of wandering. I am not lost, I am exactly where I need to be. This is helping me prepare for whatever is to come next. I need to constantly remind myself to live in the moment and enjoy what and who is around me right now. Everything could change in an instant. I am truly grateful for the opportunity to walk this path, or wander if that is the method I must take today. 

We saw more than a dozen Elk

Love the Dramatic Filter :) 

Panoramic

Happy New Year 2014!!

Sending you peaceful and loving wishing for a new and beautiful year to one and all! There is beauty around me, I just have to open my eyes, ears, and heart to enjoy it.

"Realizing that nothing can hurt me while I lean upon my Higher Power, I ask to be guided through the hours and minutes of each day. Let me remind myself to bring every problem to Her for I know she will show me the way I must go." ~ODAT January 1

December Spirit **Jingle**

December is here, just like that in a blink of an eye!  I have enjoyed the last four days off for the Thanksgiving holiday. It was quiet and productive!  I have not been centered the last few weeks. Earlier this week I had a meltdown, I jumped right into that area with my fists up ready to fight and take down the disease of alcoholism. Just like old times... thought I had a fighting chance. **sigh** So after taking a trip back into the dark side and trying to impose my will, somewhere I never wanted to go again, my focus the last few days has been to find my balance again. I surrounded and immersed myself with people I love and things I enjoy doing to find that serenity as a sav to help heal my wounds.

Here are a few things that helped me be able to breath again today with gratitude for what I have right now, not what I wish I had.

This is a feral cat out at my parents. She has quite the story; the brief version, a friend of our family had a cat near her house in the City. They had to go. So they cat and her kittens were dropped off at my parents in the country. She is quite healthy now and is the "official" greeter when you visit my parents. She is a sweetheart and we sat together for a little while outside in the beautiful weather. I am not a huge "cat" person, but I have a respect for all animals and appreciated her company.

This is Ms. Raven. She is also a sweetheart! Recently there were some bigger neighbor dogs on the property and tried to eat Raven. They could of easily broke her back, but gratefully they just bite her back legs. Which with some stitches and a cone of shame for a while, she will be back to normal soon. I spent a lot of my time this weekend with my parents, which always helps me find my inner peace and love for life when I have fallen into the black hole of my own disease of perception and drowning in grief of the life I "wish" I had. Ugh, the family disease of alcoholism is an ugly, cruel, and baffling disease. That is why I appreciate Ms. Raven who makes me smile and laugh at her silly antics. Such as laying in her King size bed so she can see my Mom and I as we worked on the table. 

My garden, a key to my serenity. When I merge my hands into the dirt cleaning the weeds and mending to my plants. I instantly feel a huge relief from whatever chaos I have created in my mind and/or heart. I harvested my first tomatoes of the season! These are a hybrid cherry tomato I tried. They are REALLY small! But man are they tasty! Then I had several cucumbers and zucchini ready. 

Part of my healing, my Mom and I were cruising the fun creative ideas on P-interest! One of the ideas we came across were these adorable lady bug appetizers. Although, I did not have enough of my tomatoes ready and/or big enough, I did use my garden cucumbers and lettuce for this dish. It was easy and fun to do!

Other soothing activities I did for myself; Sadie and I went hiking with some dear friends in our amazing 70 degree weather, I put up the Christmas lights outside, did a little Christmas decorating inside, did a lot of plotting and planning my next sewing projects for gifts, and just hanging out with the pups at home.

In the CtoC reading today, it talks about service. The reading put it in perspective that I am not doing the program a favor; but Al-Anon is doing a favor for me. When I give back to the program and to others, I get more in return than I ever could imagine. In doing service, that is when I see my progress and growth. I work hard to tie in the principles of my program into all aspects of my life. Not always easy; therefore, I knew this week after swinging over to the dark side, I have to step up my service work back in my daily routine; in my meeting and my personal life to help get me back on track.

"What we learn to do we learn by doing." ~Aristotle 

Are Your Windows Clean?

I came across a reading the other day that made me think. It was simple and provided a different perspective to viewing what we see in life.

The reading went something like this...

A young couple moves into a new neighborhood. The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside. "That laundry is not very clean; she doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap." Her husband looks on, remaining silent. Every time her neighbor hangs her wash to dry, the young woman makes the same comments. The woman is surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and says to her husband: "Look, she's finally learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this? " The husband replies, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."

What we see when watching others depends on the clarity of the window through which we look.

Disease of Perception

Since I last shared, we have had a record blistering winter storm roll through the desert and drop snow, graupel, hail, and lots of rain. Here are only a few photos I was able to capture; however, my photos don't do justice what happen that day. There are many more online as everyone in the area was documenting this rare moment of white blanket in the desert.

End of the day of the Winter storm that sweep through the desert

Not sure if you can see the graupel on the back of that car?

See the hail on the hoods of the car and in the rocks?

I heard recently in one of my meetings exactly what I needed to hear. I’ve been a hit and miss at my meetings due to feeling the need to stay home and work on my homework. However, I also need to make time for my meetings as my Higher Power is at work through the shares in the meeting. I’m always surprised to hear a little nugget of someone’s share helps put a piece of the puzzle I was trying to find an answer too all week or longer. Also it is important for me to stay connected with my dear Al-Anon friends that I love and cherish.

Well, I’ve been suffering and wallowing in my own pity due to the frustrations of going back to school. I’ve been openly honest with anyone that will listen that I’m not enjoying school. I don’t care for it. Why am I doing this? Why am I adding this extra stress? On. And. On. And. On. Geez. Even if no one is around to listen, it’s the shitty committee in my head going around and around. However, I do then think to myself and try to share with the shitty committee, “HEY, you have to change your perspective! You are doing this. You’ve started it and you will finish. It won’t be easy, but it won’t be anything you can’t handle.” The topic of the meeting was bloom where you are planted. I loved this topic! Powerful shares of individual experience, strength, and hope of blooming that occurred to themselves and to those around them. Miracles. Someone shared a list of items that were important in order to allow them selves to bloom. What hit me across the face was it was important not to become complacent! I instantly knew that my attitude problem was a direct link to my disease of perception. Living with active alcoholism it is so easy to fall into the victim mode. I can find a comfort zone and want to stay within those walls. I believe that my spiritual growth has come a long way and looking forward to my continued journey; however, I’m in a good place. I’m also in a position with my career where I am surrounded by healthy co-workers, which I have not been blessed with this situation in a really long time. The stars are aligned! Now is the time to take on a new challenge with a new, can-do-it attitude, perspective!

I think I may have shared before, I sort of relate to how I am feeling with this new challenge to my first day of walking in the rooms of Al-Anon. I did not understand the details or what I was suppose to be doing.  I didn’t like everything I heard or was suggested to try. Change was sitting and staring me in the face. Showing me that a new way of living was possible and patiently waiting for me to try. I was terrified. I was fearful of failing and not being the best. The disease of perception for me is learning to work through all of those feelings. I heard the other nitght to not allow that dark side of my thoughts to take over and wash out the light in my life and my heart. Those dark thoughts can gobble me in a heart beat if I allow them. I have to reach and strive for the light and the energy to grow and change for the better. I can try my best and that’s all I can do. As long as I know I’m giving all I got! That’s all that matters, not what others think. Now on the flip side of that, I do need to come into tune with each new instructor for each class as they do control my grade, which in turn I have to maintain a certain GPA to stay in the graduate program. The university sets a very high standard, which is good. This means for me I have to do my footwork. Put the time in and shift my perspective. Take those words and my thoughts and APPLY them to that perspective shift. Stop being complacent and stop being ok with being complacent.

I wrote the above, last week? Not sure exactly but another late night dump before I could fall asleep. Fast forward to today! I’m starting my last week of my first class today. YEEEK! I should be working on my homework, but instead I’m finding ever distraction possible. **sigh** So far I am maintaining a great grade and doing really well! I have an amazing support group not only in my online-class, but also my family, friends, and H. Then as soon as this class is over, I start my second class next week! No breaks, just jump right into the next one. Oh boy!

Part of shifting my perspective, I was wondering what I was up too this time of year last year. Wow! I was still at my old job getting ready to move. Going to the Arabian horse show with my family! I was also doing a little house sitting the same time last year. Life is still good; it just has a different flavor today! Ok, time to buckle down and get to work on homework! I hope you are all doing well. I miss connecting with each of you. Until I can again, I wish you a serene day.

Life Will Go On

I'm a quick learner in most areas of my life. However, there are several parts that I am not and I. just. don't. get. it. I was reminded of one of those items today by hearing a radio ad that mentioned that life will go on without me. I honestly don't remember what the ad was about, but I heard what I needed to hear.

I just couldn't comprehend that if I didn't handle every single detail of everyone's life, then the world would come crashing down. I carried the world on my shoulders. Looking back, I realized a big piece of that was my ego. As I slowly started to learn to take a step back and allow others the dignity to make their own decisions, their own choices, and their own mistakes, I would be reminded that "Hey LOOK, the world is still there! Life is carrying on." I can remember those moments of realization being a huge blow to my ego. I shed a few tears. I seriously could not wrap my head around that everyone didn't need my "help" every second of the day. Specifically they didn't need my help when they didn't ask for it either. The fact that I had a choice to not jump in and try to fix what I thought needed to be fixed. That was huge. When I learned to step out of the way, it's truly a miracle watching life fall into place the way it's suppose too.

It takes a lot of work for me to stay on my side of the street and keep it clean. I have to do my own footwork. When I do that, I actually have time to live my life. I also can appreciate more those that I love in my life. The only piece I didn't get right away was the continuous worrying and controlling thoughts that dominated my mind. This triggers a memory of a good saying that I've heard before that goes something like this, "Don't let others stay for free and not pay rent in your mind." Or close enough you get the idea. When I could put aside, for even a few minutes at a time, that worthless worrying about things that I didn't have control over, that is when I started to experience serenity in small amounts. Then when I started to loosen even more that tight grip on the illusion of control, I didn't know what to do with myself. That constant worry and feeling of control was my life, that was my purpose. Although I felt a bit lost and whole lot of discomfort with this new way of living, I did feel hope. As the Courage to Change reading shares today, "Serenity is always available to me, but it is my job to seek it where it can be found." I had lost that serenity or even the pathway to find it when I was deep in my own disease of perception. I'm grateful for the forks in the road that I am presented with during this journey. There is no right or wrong direction to take, as long as I make a decision to take that path in search of serenity and realize that whatever happens, the world will go on without me.

Good Blur

I survived my first week! It was a complete whirlwind and I am still trying to digest each detail of the puzzle. I realize it will take time for all the pieces to fall into place. I'm not worried about that as I have learned I acclimate pretty quickly to new jobs and situations. I'm seeing some unique challenges that I will need to over come with this new job and organization. Is it strange to say that I'm excited about the journey!? The organization is in a state of exciting transition and growth; therefore, the need for some process changes is on the very near horizon to help our department be more efficient and productive. I'm looking forward to helping with those positive changes. There were a few moments of panic around me with certain situations this week, I personally wasn't panic as I didn't quite understand all the piece of the chaos and also didn't feel it was worth getting worked up about anyways. I liked how our team handled the situation to really get everyone to take a moment, take a step back, and really look at what was going on and how urgent the situation really was (not.) Keep. it. simple. I strongly believe that is important for me to do, both personally and professionally and I hope that can bleed over into this new role I'm taking on. The team I work with all seem great and I'm looking forward to getting to know everyone better. I hit it off with my co-worker right away that I'm sharing an office with for the moment, who we  will call S. My understanding is there are plans for our department to be moving into a newly built building in a few months. Nothing like hitting the ground running!

Today my pain was manageable, which I'm very grateful for! I was beyond exhausted yesterday after about a week or more of not sleeping well, the stress of the accident details, and the new job stress on top of that, I believe I crashed hard last night and finally got some much needed rest. Which in turn allowed me to feel a little better today. What a relief! I strongly believe the other reason I felt great today was I woke up to rain this morning. Raining days always help me feel better and wash away a lot of that not-so-positive thoughts, energy, and feelings I tend to hang onto when I'm in survival mode.

For my sanity and to reduce my stress level I decided to hire an attorney to take over the accident details. I felt better immediately after I met with the attorney knowing he would be taking it from that moment forward. The only piece that I'll hang onto is taking care of the communication with my dealership that is fixing my car. I already had the ball rolling; however, it is nice to know the attorney is there to support me if the dealership doesn't stay in line. Ha! So, I won't go into a lot of detail, but I did have quite a bit of damage to my car at the scene; however, it was somewhat drivable, although there were a few details that started to occur on my way home that caused my anxiety level to escalate! I had just under a half of tank of gas when the accident happened and as I was sitting at the scene with the car on with the a/c, the gas gauge dropped to zero and the gas light came on. That scared me more than anything! Also, let me just say I don't normally make it a habit to sit there with my car idling with the air on and wasting gas; however, it was 112 outside that day and it was around 6 pm. Anyhow, I obviously made it home but refused to drive the car any further. The dealership sent a tow truck the next day. So with that back history, the dealership called today to ask, again, about the details of what I noticed wrong after the accident. I shared the details, again, with the same gentleman. He was skeptical and questioned me with a warning that there would be a huge cost to me if they find out my car was just low on gas. I very politely reinforced the situation and made it clear that simply was NOT the case. Proceeding to ask him to please have his team thoroughly check ever part attached, connected, or even remotely involved with the fuel system to insure my car is safe to drive and back to the way it was before I was rear ended. I reminded him of the other details that I had concerns and asked he make sure his team address all of the issues. He called several hours later after he test drove the car, and surprise, surprise, there was something wrong with the fuel gauge. I get there is a business side to all of this and they can't waste money; however, it is extremely frustrating when people don't listen to me or even remotely act like they believe I'm telling the truth. **sigh** It will all work out and be fine. The thought of my fuel system not functioning right when I drive my car, I can't even put into words how sick that makes me feel.

I do have some good news! I have my camera back from the manufacturer! They repaired it at no cost and was covered under warranty. The only detail of the entire process that was a little bit irritating, I mailed everything in the original box and they didn't mail the box back. I'm one of those people that hang onto the original box for electronic items. Oh well, the rest of the experience was wonderful and not getting the box back is not the end of the world. I can let that one go. Here are a few photos I took of the sunset today with no-black-spots!! WoooHOO!

A dear friend of mine sent me a message recently ending the message with enjoy the clouds. At first I was confused by the salutation of her message; however, I quickly realized what this friend meant and it made me smile. I know it is a good day when I can look up and enjoy the beauty in the sky. Enjoy.

I didn't make it to my meeting or any other meetings this week due to my new work schedule and "side hobby", aka house/puppy sitting. Although I have an amazing support system in each facet of my life; nothing replaces the relief I feel going to a meeting.

I'd like to end tonight with one of the daily reading from this past week, that was perfect for me. It's from Courage to Change page 228.

After living in the chaos of an alcoholic relationship, it can be hard to know that difference between a minor inconvenience and a major crisis. Al-Anon's slogan, "How Important Is It?" helps many of us to regain some sense of proportion.

When plans fall through, when unexpected bills arrive, when I am disappointed in someone's response, I can ask myself, "How important is it?" Most of the time I find that what I might have viewed as a disaster is really insignificant. If I try to keep my attention on this day instead of worrying about possible future consequences, I can take my disappointment or irritation at face value and refuse to dramatize it.

Because of this simple slogan, many days that I would once have seen a tragic are now filled with serenity and confidence.

Today's Reminder
Today, if I encounter an upsetting situation, I will ask myself, "How important is it?" before I react. I may find that it is not important enough to sacrifice my serenity.

"It is almost as important to know what is not serious as to know what is." John Kenneth Galbraith   

Keep Coming Back!

Keep coming back was the topic in our meeting last night. I thought it was quite appropriate for this week since today is my Al-Anon birthday! The day I walked into these rooms and was handed a newcomer packet, I wrote that date on the packet. I still have that packet with the date and the gal that wrote her number on the front of it. She became my first sponser not long after that. I left that first meeting with hope that things could get better.

My home group doesn't celebrate birthdays; however, I've been to meetings where they do celebrate birthdays. I've seen both where the one celebrating will share their story or their sponsor or someone representing them will share that person's growth from their perspective! Really cool.

I'm a lifer in this amazing program and I will keep coming back!

"Al-Anon is the light that helps me find my way in the dark." Courage to Change