Just for Today

September 30^th daily reading from CtoC, I'd like to share.

“Just for today I can try out new behavior. I can take the point of view that perhaps I have been giving a life time to learn something about myself. Maybe life is a series of experiments in which some succeed and some fail – and in which the failures, as well as the successes, point the way to fresh experiments.

Just for today might try slightly changing some pattern of behavior that repeatedly causes me problems, just to see what happens. For example, if I have a habit of responding with a negative attitude to a particular person or situation – getting out of bed, working, requests for help, authority figures – I can try a different more positive response. I can think of it as research and learn from whatever happens.

This day is all I have to work with. The past is over, and tomorrow is out of my reach. I will try to remember what a great fit this day can be and make full use of it.

Today’s Reminder:

Just for today I will look for ways to enjoy life; stop by a garden, try a new hobby, or call a good friend. I can look for humor. I can savor love. I can explore something new. Maybe just for today, I’ll try standing on my head to see if I like the view.

'Just for today I will find a little time to relax and to realize what life is and can be; time to think about God and get a better perspective on myself.'  ~Alcoholism, the family disease”

I never want to forget where I have been or what I have been through. I don’t want to re-live ANY of it, but I don’t want to forget. The daily reading today really made me think back in the past when I had the disease in my face 24 hours a day for 17 years. I had an extremely negative attitude, not only verbally to those around me but in my head. My self-talk was horribly unacceptable and cruel. It was a dark way to live my life. At the time I didn’t realize I was so angry, sad, frustrated, fearful, hurt, and lonely. The light within me was just a flicker threatening to go out. Thankfully, despite the chaos I choose to live in but didn’t have the tools to leave, I did, however, have enough support and love from my family and a few friends that stuck by my side through those dark times. With that hope and love I received, even though I didn’t know how to accept it, it helped keep the light within me lit just enough so when I was ready to shift my perspective to more positive, just for that day or moment, I could.

The power of the mind and living in the moment, just for today, is truly amazing. I’m beyond grateful for the simple, but powerful program of Al-Anon that helped me see the beauty around me and be able to find the joy in life. Today, I not only stop by a garden, but love to grow a garden. I love to call and connect with my friends that mean the world to me. I have learned to love to laugh, in ALL situations. The joy laughter brings to my heart, actually brings happy tears to my eyes. Laughter is addictive to me, and I’m ok with that. Savoring love, has always been a passion of mine. Today, I’m learning a new level of savoring love. The butterflies in my stomach have gone crazy! My drive is driven by exploring new adventures, perspectives, and living life to the fullest ever second of this beautiful life. When I finally learned and realized I was wasting my life worrying about things that were out of my control or being fearful of the unknown, from that moment, I promised myself I would never waste another second!! I’m not perfect by any means, far from it actually, and have my moments that these old habits sneak in, but as soon as I realize what is going on (depends on how tired I am **wink**), I quickly try to find acceptance I’m human and not perfect, and then take action to get back on track in a positive direction.

If I focus on my struggles and my enemies, I will surely be defeated by them.

If I focus on my strengths and my loved ones, I will move mountains.

Celebrate Everything

Today marks four years I embarked on my blogging adventure! It was, and still is, difficult to share my story openly and honestly. That level of vulnerability terrifies me to my bones! But I continue to work to overcome and conquer that unnecessary fear. Reading earlier posts, still brings tears to my eyes. But as I continue to walk, and share, this amazing journey, today I am celebrating everything and living life to the fullest! I'm proud of how far I have come and look forward to continuing to move forward. I work to surround myself with amazing and loving friends and family that accept me for who I am, and then still continue to love me. I'm truly blessed. I pray that maybe sharing my struggles and little successes will help give someone else the strength and courage to take back their own life, no matter what their own situation or details are.

I owe a huge thank you to all of you that follow my blog! Your love and support over the past few years has helped me build my courage and strength to take my life back into my own hands. I appreciate each and everyone of you! Thank you from the bottom of my heart! 

Happy New Year 2014!!

Sending you peaceful and loving wishing for a new and beautiful year to one and all! There is beauty around me, I just have to open my eyes, ears, and heart to enjoy it.

"Realizing that nothing can hurt me while I lean upon my Higher Power, I ask to be guided through the hours and minutes of each day. Let me remind myself to bring every problem to Her for I know she will show me the way I must go." ~ODAT January 1

Just for Today...

This month, my expectations are tearing down the walls of my serenity. The time to rebuild begins now.

Just for today, I will be unafraid. Especially I 

will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, 

and to believe that as I give to the world, so 

the world will give to me.

I would like to share and focus on some of the beauty that I have been blessed with and surrounded with lately.

The last three or four days we have had quite the rain storm roll through, in fact the area I live in had 2.2 inches of rain alone. Which for the desert, is pretty darn good! Some little facts the local news shared; This storm helped us catch up with our average rainfall for the year. The amount we received also surpassed the entire rainfall from November 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, and 2012 combined! Here are a few photos I captured from the last few days. Ahhhh clouds, they are so beautiful. 

My garden is a true blessing to me, it brings me a lot of peace and serenity. Although I am still struggling with the little caterpillar type creatures eating my plants. I keep spraying the DIY formula I found, but it is not getting rid of the bugs for long. I am open to tips or suggestions!  Here are a few photos of my sanctuary backyard with my plants. I was having fun with the rain on the leaves. 

Just for today, I will adjust myself to what is, 

and not try to adjust everything to my own 

desires. I will take my "luck" as it comes, 

and fit myself to it.

Flash Back That Reflects Today

I heard this song again and it brought me back to a post I wrote towards the beginning of my blogger days, titled It'll Rain on a Sunny Day. I'd like to share with you again, as it is a good reminder for me to live for today and what is important right now. To remember to not project in the wreckage of the future or dwell in the grief of the past, but be in the present; the gift of life as it is today. 

It'll Rain on a Sunny Day

I was listening to classic vinyl today and CCR came on with "Have You Ever Seen the Rain?". Such a simple and beautiful song. Mid September I read one of Syd's post and have been sitting with it since then. Today, I think I'm ready to share. The post stirred up a lot of emotions and questions, that ended up being a bit of information overload. Although, I felt it was important for me to work through what I was feeling. Therefore, I gave myself some space to feel those emotions and ponder those questions. I'll tell ya, that alone is a HUGE step in the right direction for my recovery.

In the past I would cling to any relationship I could, whether it was healthy or not. I cared. I seeked approval and affirmation. I could help the "victim". I could also play the "victim".  The need to control. Lack of self-confidence to make any kind of decision on my own. Bottled up anger. Fear of abandonment. I started to see a pattern here. Melody Beattie describes in her book these are symptoms and characteristics of Codependency. I'm not the type of person to throw away another person or relationship just because it's rocky. I would simply take on the other persons emotions, feelings, responsibilities, etc, etc. It was time to set up healthy boundaries and not walls. I have found it is crucial for my sanity to learn what my boundaries are in each relationship I have. When the unacceptable behavior occurs and my boundaries are not respected, it's time for me to re-evaluate the situation and possibility the relationship if this is ongoing. I'm gaining the courage to remove myself from these situations to take care of myself if my boundaries are not being honored. This is a fine line that I walk. Being careful that I'm not just throwing a temper tantrum because it's not going my way. Gradually, I am building these healthy boundaries and tearing down old patterns of my codependency. A huge piece to this has been my inventory steps, which have helped me find balance in my self-image and building a strong base so I can use my courage. Then in return I can be an active part of my relationships instead of answering yes to all the these questions:

Melody Beattie, author of Codependent No More that I'm reading right now provided a check list:

- Do you feel responsible for other people--their feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being and destiny?

- Do you feel compelled to help people solve their problems or by trying to take care of their feelings?

- Do you find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others than about injustices done to you?

- Do you feel safest and most comfortable when you are giving to others?

- Do you feel insecure and guilty when someone gives to you?

- Do you feel empty, bored and worthless if you don't have someone else to take care of, a problem to solve, or a crisis to deal with?

- Are you often unable to stop talking, thinking and worrying about other people and their problems?

- Do you lose interest in your own life when you are in love?

- Do you stay in relationships that don't work and tolerate abuse in order to keep people loving you?

- Do you leave bad relationships only to form new ones that don't work, either?

I've had to end some relationships. It was the right thing to do for me at the time. I realize today that perhaps I didn't handle the "exit" of the relationships as smoothly as I could have. I still grieve, but I'm slowing making amends with myself first. Then Step nine can occur with those handful of people from my past.


"Someone told me long ago

There's a calm before the storm

I know it's been coming for some time

When it's over so they say

It'll rain on a sunny day

I know shinning down like water"

There are other relationships that I am finding it easier today to address those single situations as they arise. It's the "bigger picture" or long term that I sit on the fence pondering and has a tendency to tear me apart. It is difficult to remember to live in the today and what is best right now. Not to project what I "want" for the future. As Syd shared, I also can see the "worth underneath the alcoholic demeanor". My hope and desire to change that person use to be wrapped and drenched with the details of the questions listed above. It's been a tough and windy road realizing each of those details I have zero control over the other person. Step one is a beautiful, beautiful step. Admitting we are powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable. I always move forward towards this step. These wants and hopes don't entirely go away when the one you love is deeply drowning in the disease. Lost. No sense of direction or desire to take action for help. The universe pull I have always felt towards this person has always been uncannily strong for me. My love is undeniable. I see the kind, caring, beautiful soul that is beneath the rain on a sunny day. This brings tears to my eyes, just as the song does. Thankfully today, even though I can still see the sun is cold and the rain is hard, hope peeks from underneath clouds in the far distance. I say a little pray everyday that my HP will help me see the difference between my old "hope" and my new "hope". 

Valleys & Hills

It's been a long week. Earlier this week I was not in a good place. I really struggled with old "stinking" thinking from the past. I will be honest that I am proud of myself though as I realized the presence of the "stinking" thinking immediately when I woke up and worked very hard to take precautions through out the day to not react or take action on anything until I sat with it for a while. I knew I was not in the right place in my mind to make any major decisions. I seriously needed an attitude adjustment! I'm not completely sure why I was having a rough day. But I am sure it's a combo of things going on currently and possibly things that have stirred up from the past that are trying to surface for my attention. I was overall gentle with myself yesterday as I was going through this valley, but I worked through each moment and challenges that arouse throughout the day. One of the best parts is I survived.

Today I woke up refreshed and ready for the new day. We had some rain last night and early this morning that dropped the temperature significantly! It was an AMAZINGLY beautiful day. I'm so grateful I could work through the moments and remove the foggy glasses and inner bad attitude that wanted to cling to me. Craziness still surrounds me, but my vision has cleared today and my inner peace has settled back into my soul. I'm very grateful for the tools of my program that help me survive the days I have to walk in the valley. 

Today the news has been focusing on Steve Jobs' death. I honestly didn't know much about him or the fact that he owned Apple, before today. I learned a lot about this influential man today. It really took me back to my childhood. Pancreatic cancer claimed my Grandpa's life many years ago. On a much smaller scale, he was also an entrepreneur and inspiration to those in his life. He always gave a lot of himself to others, sometimes in trade for something else but a lot of the time for the common good. As a kid, my family would drive into town to drop my Dad off at work and then we would spend the day at my grandparents. I have many fond memories of hanging out with my Grandpa. He was always on an adventure and I was more than willing to tag along. We worked in his garden, hung out in his office, tinkered with tools in the garage, or worked on the rose bushes in the front yard. I remember that meals were always quite "proper". Now I think it was more to teach us manners at the table, but it felt over the top at Grandma & Grandpa's. My Grandpa would tell us to chew every bite 30 times before swallowing. I would just giggle and try it for the first couple of bites, then chow down the rest of my food. Now I realize it probably was really good advice. I also remember there were a LOT of items in the house that were Grandma's that we, the kids, were NOT to touch. Oh I can remember the temptation to touch those "pretty forbidden" things! I'm sure my sister and I occasionally got in trouble for doing what we were not suppose to do!

Although I didn't personally know Steve Jobs, he seems to have been quite a positive influence in our world and culture. I feel really lucky to have known my Grandpa for the time he was in my life. I feel he was a positive influence to me during my younger years that was all part of my path to become who I am today.

Christmas of 1993, our family spent that beautiful morning together sitting with Grandpa. Later that day he passed away peacefully at home. I shed a lot of tears for our lose, but feel as a family we knew he would want us to celebrate his life and live our lives to the fullest in his memory!

All of this really has me thinking that no matter how tough a situation or day is for me, I have to live in the moment today. Cherish and learn from every situation, every hill and valley that I travel through. Remembering that I am an important part of the bigger picture around me. As Steve Jobs said, “I want to put a ding in the universe.” No matter how small or large, I hope to leave my positive ding in this universe. Another quote that is blasted anywhere you read about Steve Jobs, “We’re born, we live for a brief instant, and we die. It’s been happening for a long time. Technology is not changing it much — if at all.” So true, life goes by in such a blink of an eye! I don't want to waste another day or moment being jaded or stuck forever in a valley blinded by my character defects. I feel the valleys are necessary, but to pull the strength and knowledge of going through those rough times to make the view from the hills better each time. Here is to living the best today that I can!

Self-discipline is Self-caring

The Al-Anon program has given me the awareness, acceptance, and ability take action to make certain choices I never realized I had! If there is something I am not comfortable doing, I realize today that I don't have to do it. When I started practicing this new freedom, I believe I took it to the extreme and never did anything uncomfortable. Looking back, I believe that was ok for me at that time, as I had a lot of healing to do and had to put one foot in front of the other one at a time. Once I gained more courage and strength, my sponsor helped me realize it was time to put into practice the Just for Today saying that suggests we do two things we don't want to do. For me, this tells me to step outside my comfort level and apply some of my new tools! Let me say, this was a slippery slope and I stumbled a lot. But because I believed in my program and recovery, stayed in contact with my sponsor, went to meetings, read the literature, and worked on my relationship with my HP I was able to get back up each time, dust myself off, and try again. Amazingly, things that were uncomfortable slowly started to become easier to face. This was a huge accomplishment for me.

On the flip side, I believe learning this lesson has helped me respect other's choices if they don't feel comfortable doing something or simply don't want to do what I want to do. Today, I can respect the other person's decision, even if I don't agree or like that decision. In the past, I would take their lack of wanting to do something personally and become very upset. Back to that slippery slope, as I continue to work my program there are days I still struggle that my alcoholic chooses the alcohol over me in some situations. I've learned that it's ok his choices make me sad (and many other feelings for that matter). What is NOT ok, is if I let those choices and my feelings paralyze me from living my life to the fullest.

I work daily on creating a balance in my life and putting the self-discipline into play in all my affairs. A good indicator to me when I have done this well is I can allow my feelings to be felt, but I don't let them terrorize me. I can acknowledge my feelings are just feelings and I can chose not to react to them.

Applying Self-discipline

Not applying Self-discipline