Revealing

The weekend ended up being quite nice. I had the opportunity to spend a lot of the time with my parents. I cherish both of them very much and grateful for the quality time.

I know I have shared before, it is difficult for me to just exist in the moment, with myself. I always had a hard time sitting still physically, for as long as I can remember. Even if I managed to sit still, my mind was going in a hundred different directions at warp speed. I had several opportunities this weekend to sit and rest my mind. I had to put the breaks on my thoughts several times. It was extremely uncomfortable and, honestly, exhausting! I realize that doesn't make any sense. How is it exhausting to rest my body and mind? Probably because I am working hard to keep it in check. The slogan, Easy Does It came to mind.

I must be working through another layer of healing, as I shed many tears this weekend. I learned in the rooms of Al-Anon, that when my heart is open, my eyes leak. Seemed the littlest thing would trigger my tears either by seeing certain things, hearing something shared by another person, a simple text message, or even me sharing something with someone else. Perhaps that is why I am exhausted, not from working to still my mind. Part of this layer of healing I feel has to do with wishing for something or someone that I don't have. For years, I have struggled with wishing for things that are not.  That was an old habit that poisoned my life. As I continue to learn about myself, I believe I fell into that thinking trap, since that is how H lived and breathed his life.

Today I believe and work hard to practice that I have everything I need and nothing that I don't. Reminds me of an amazing song by ZBB. Despite my awareness, I find I still drink that poison from time to time.

Being outside my comfort zone starts to also reveal my vulnerabilities! Finding the courage to expose those vulnerabilities and insecurities seems to dissolve some of the power they hold over me. Still terrifying, but I know it is a healthy step in the right direction for me. A dear friend of mine opened up a gym last October and is doing an amazing job growing her business to help ladies walk the path of finding their confidence and reach their health goals. Last week she sent out a challenge for members to do a video testimonial that was under 3 mins. The winner of the challenge gets a $100 spa day gift card. The competitive side of me was in the driver seat and promised to create a creative video message. I want that spa day. All my insecurities were screaming from the backseat and basically hung on for dear life through the ride. With the help of my amazing sister and her man, we put together a humorous video that shares a small part of my journey. Someday I will find the courage to share with you.

The ground has felt a little unfamiliar and uneven lately as I charter into new territories. As fear tries to strangle me, I work hard to breath and dissipate that fear and replace it with faith! I am grateful my HP balances out my struggles with miracles. I strongly believe they are tied together, but I don't realize that until after the fact. Anyhow, a few things I have misplaced or lost in the last few months were revealed to me this weekend. A few months ago my Fitbit fell off, I thought while I was out and about. I was pretty bummed, as that simple little thing helped step up my motivation in my exercising last year! I did end up treating myself by upgrading to a new and improved one that tracks my heart rate. I am LOVING that while I exercise. After my Mom and I were done sorting through my fabric and taking inventory, we were putting the boxes away, and right there on the floor, was my old Fitbit! I could not believe it! The second little miracle, I have a spare mail key I keep in my car. However, it went missing the other day. Instead of panicking and getting upset, I took a deep breath and let it go. Praying it would show up soon so I didn't have to get the locks changed. This weekend I was cleaning my car inside and out, there under the seat was the key! I know these sound simple, but just these little items showing up unexpectedly was a positive experience.