Power of Sharing

As I look at the calendar, I realized today is the last day of January! We blink and time is gone. I've piled quite a bit onto my plate lately. I'm finally feeling, or more accurately taking notice to the effects, anxiety and stress. Some of my old character defects popping up. I have to take a deep breath in and out. Releasing that anxiety and stress that wants to build up inside me. I was truly a gold medal winner in piling more and more into my daily life. In the past it would get to the point of me having a melt down, emotionally and physically. I haven't reached that point of a meltdown or even to the point trying to enter the Olympic event to try for the gold. Thank goodness! Luckily I'm trying to get it under control early on. It is time to start prioritizing and more "doing" and stop piling. I wonder what I'm avoiding? I'll have to pray and mediate on that more.

The meeting tonight was wonderful. Some of the topics were Love. Marriage. Relationships. Loneliness. I'm blown away how much I get out of listening to other people share their experience, strength, and hope. Love is a tricky thing. Almost something that cannot be labeled by just one definition. It is something that evolves and changes with time and experiences. I am blessed I have had unconditional love in my life. However, being a part of my own disease of attitudes and disease of co-dependency I had lost the love within myself. I had a difficult time recognizing that love from others around me that were emotionally available. Instead, I turned all my focus and energy trying to tap into an emotionally unavailable well that was sick with the disease of alcoholism. The love that evolved in my marriage was drenched with anger and resentment on both sides of the street. It can be very lonely. Being lonely in a marriage tore me up inside. But I was trying to find love for myself in somebody else. I found out the rough way, it doesn't work that way. Al-Anon gave me a safe place to be and to be loved by those around me for who I was, at that time. They also loved me as I evolved through my recovery. It allowed me time to find my strength and courage. This support allowed me to find that genuine love within myself again and then in return be able to share that love with those around me, including my marriage. It had to begin with me.

Through that discovery of genuine love again, I also found compassion. I'll be honest, there are moments I lose that compassion, but I'm grateful it's there more often than not. I believe the reason I found compassion and am able to separate the person from the disease is because I work little by little to chip away each little resentment that I have built up over the years in all my relationships and marriage. I learned to use the tool of forgiveness to help chip away at those resentments. The whole experience and continued journey has opened my eyes and heart.

Side note, I could not help but notice the adorable little plate faces the children had created in the classroom we meet in. They had a little note above that said, "Before I reach 100 years old, I will...." and then the various things they wanted to do. My favorite, of course, was "I will... ride a horse." Brought a smile to my face.

"Love is patient and kind, Love is not jealous or boastful, it is not arrogant or rude, Love does not insist on its own way." CtoCp355