Doing the Right Thing

Doing the right thing, is not always easy, but is always the way to go.

This week has been stacked with decisions I have had to make that I didn't necessarily want to make, but knew it was the right thing to do. In the past I never took into consideration what I wanted or what was important to me. I never weighted my options. Instead I instantly reacted and went on the defensive. I'm grateful to have the option to let others know I need to think about it and I will get back to you. Then weight the pros and cons of the decision. I'll be honest there are times I want to be completely selfish and swing the decision in my favor. Who wouldn't?! But that is not always the right decision.

One of the decision this week was discussing time off during the holidays. I like to get this squared away early so we can start planning and making sure everyone is trained. Now I know a lot can change between now and December, but there are some people that need to make flights and other arrangements, etc. Plus talking about PTO (personal time off) is one of my favorite topics! Traveling big or small trips instantly makes me smile and giddy! So the requests come flying in, per my request. It came down to giving my team the time off or me. I covered for my entire team last Christmas so everyone could have the time off. We were even down a team member at that time. With everyone's situation, it was the right thing to do and I could do it. I was hoping to take an extended time off this year, since I worked last year. However, after reviewing the requests I received and looking at the bigger picture, including my trips and time I had scheduled other parts of the year. It was the right thing to do to give my team the time off. They work hard and deserve the extended break. They each mean a lot to me and I appreciate the hard work they put into everyday. So there you have it, sacrifices of being a supervisor. Although I am a little bummed about working the holiday again, I feel awesome knowing I did the right thing for my team.

The second decision this week was a lot easier to make. I received a request for another chance from H to prove he wanted me. It still tugs at my heart strings. The dangling carrot was a tool H used for years, either subconsciously or not, I don't know, but H was the master at manipulating me. Today, I see right through it. I responded with a kind and honest, but firm and packed with boundaries response that was clear. To be fair and to believe the message I received, I will pray for H and hope he is truly on the path he says he is on. However, I reinforced, I will never be a part of the path, ever again. I don't want to and never will. Looking back at this past year, and seeing and feeling the happiness, serenity, forgiveness, and simple pure joy of life!!! I don't believe I have ever felt this much gratitude all the way to my bones and flowing through my veins everyday!! I trapped myself in a toxic situation for far to long that wasn't helping either of us. I'm grateful for the courage to break that mold and start a healthier cycle of life. For both of us. Separately. I just have to take a deep breath and hand him over to his higher power, who I know will help him walk the path he is suppose to walk. Then I can let go, completely detach. Then I can focus on my well being, make that connection with my own higher power. Then smile, because I know I am finally doing my footwork, keeping my side of the street clean, doing things for the right reasons for the right people, including myself. Life is good. I know I'm not perfect and stumble and trip over my words often, but I am trying my hardest to be the best me I can be. That's all I ask of myself.

Be kind to yourself. Always do the right thing, whether others are watching or not. You will be more fulfilled and filled with gratitude at the end of each day. One day at a time. 

Independence Day!

In my small part of the world, tomorrow, July 12, will represent a significant turn in my history. It will mark one year I reached deep within myself for strength and courage to tell H that I was ready to sever ties of our marriage. For years, I allowed myself to be shackled by the chains of fear, shame, guilt, anger, unhappiness, expectations, pleasing others, and resentments. It took me a long time to realize I was watching H self destruct right in front of my eyes, slowly one day at a time, by the disease of alcoholism and other "labels" that have been attached to him by the medical field. Although labels, I could see from the outside some truth to some of them. Although he still, to this day, doesn't believe anything the doctors, or anyone else for that matter, has suggested might be a problem, he lives in denial and sinks deeper and deeper into his own disease. What I didn't realize, I was also self destructing right in front of my own eyes. I tried everything in my power and then some, to help H, but mostly for years I tried to manipulate and change him. Because I thought I knew what was best for him and tried to make us happy. That was my disease of perception, that created an illusion of control over another person. I didn't have the tools to realize, I had to take care of myself first, then I could be of help to others. But I never would know or have the answer of how someone else should live their life. In addition, I can only help someone else if they ask and willingly want the help. I was right there in the trenches of the effects of the family disease of alcoholism. Honestly, there are several turn of events that happened, but if I hadn't reached out for help and forced myself to have willingness to change myself and work little by little to be a better person. My hard work helped me rise out of the trenches. I would have died in those trenches. Scary thought, but filled with more truth than perhaps I want to admit to myself.   

Today, I know we both had a part in that difficult journey we walked together and I have taken responsibility for my part. Looking in the mirror and admitting my wrongs, is extremely difficult, but worth the healing that comes after facing those wrongs. I have made amends to myself and others. There are more amends to be made, but that will come with time and more healing. 

Thomas Jefferson shared a few years after the Declaration of Independence was signed, "May it be to the world, what I believe it will be... the signal of arousing men to burst the chains and to assume the blessings and security of self-government. That form, which we have substituted, restores the free right to the unbounded exercise of reason and freedom of opinion. All eyes are opened, or opening, to the rights of man. For ourselves, let the annual return of this day forever refresh our recollections of these rights, and an undiminished devotion to them."

Although very different, and I mean no disrespect to America's Independence day, but I can see a lot of parallel in our country's historic event and my own; however, mine was to a smaller degree, but same huge impact. I was able to shatter the chains I allowed and placed on myself for so many years. It was time and I was ready to take the power back and find my own security and serenity within myself instead of trying to fill that void from the outside in. This past year I have exercised my new found reason and freedom! I am finding my voice. my confidence. my pure happiness. my self-love. my love for life, again. and much, much more. Gratitude fills my heart today and truly feel blessed to have had the opportunity to go through everything I did. I continue to work hard to learn from my past, so I can appreciate today is a gift! 

This past year has helped me to open my eyes and heart to see, breath, and live in the moment, of the beauty around me. To embrace the joy that I have within myself and let it shine bright! I love my life today. I am beyond grateful for what I have and the amazing family and friends that are a part of my life. I am also grateful today I can have compassion for H and pray he finds peace, serenity, and happiness during his journey. While having that compassion, I will have my healthy boundaries to ensure I continue to live in a world of gratitude and not allow the disease to chain me again. 

Happy July!

I just can't keep track of time!! This past week zoomed by! Had a nice day off for the Independence holiday, which I took advantage of by taking a trip to California to visit some dear friends. Its a tradition that I plan to continue as long as they will have me. It was a fast trip as usual, but filled my heart and soul to the top with strength and love. I am very grateful for my friends.

Back to reality early Monday and encountered a day crammed with one frustration after another. Then a few personal items that I also allowed to upset me. I freely handed my power over to the craziness of the world. So by evening when I received a message from a local vendor I was loyally using for the last six months, that didn't sit well with me, the camel's back broke. I was livid. I haven't been that anger, for over a year. Anyhow, I let myself be anger. Typed a response, ran it by someone to make sure my voice was beinging heard.  Sent it off, and it was such as relief to feel my acceptance of the situation, found my courage to speak up for what I felt was wrong and state my next plan of action, which involved not using them anymore. Very empowering! It is hard to describe how far I have come from where I was about 7 or 8 years ago! The blessings and miracles that have occurred after the situation on Monday are beyond what I could of ever imagined!  I'm paying less and something was discovered that needed to be addressed, that I'm not sure the other vendor would of discovered. I look back and smile; I let me be me, feel what I needed to feel, handed what I couldn't control over to my higher power, did my part in what I could change, and let the rest go. Truly amazing.

The new me, is entirely because I have faith in the Al-anon program, faith in my recovery, faith in my higher power, and most importantly faith in myself. I would never be this far without the support and love if the amazing people in the program that have stood by my side, while going thru their own struggles. It is a safe place that helped me create and practice peace and serenity within myself one minute at a time. I'm beyond grateful.

Jab, Cross, Duck!

I feel like I’m standing on the ledge of a cliff right now. I’m smiling, but inside I am feeling the pressure of all the balls I have in the air right now. I use to think I thrived on the thrill of having so much going on!! I have learned that I wasn’t thriving, I was surviving. I was avoiding any and everything hurtful or difficult in my life. I was lashing out and ducking when I could! Old habits are hard to change. Not impossible, but difficult to break that cycle. I’ve also learned that there are many, many cycles and repeat habits I practiced over, and over, and over for YEARS! Many of those cycles and habits were not positive or kind to myself or those around me.

My drive to work averages from 30 to 45 minutes one way, which gives me time to listen to music or think and contemplate the day and my thoughts. The other day I realized it is so easy to get caught in the wind storm of negativity all around us in this world. I sort of stopped watching the news last year, but only here and there to catch the traffic and weather, but when I do watch or read the news it is so riddled with corrupt, violence, and acts done by humans that are unimaginable! I didn’t realize how subconsciously that toxic and poisonous negativity can start to seep into one’s soul, without one even realizing!

I find I am tired and on the verge of being over whelmed when I get caught in that dark storm. My awareness of me entering that storm is much better now days then in the past. But sometimes the dark clouds are overhead before I truly notice and can take action to pull myself out the storm before it sucks me in completely. I have had a few days I just have no motivation or willingness to do anything. Or think positive. The thought of all the items I have put on my plate, becomes overwhelming and paralyzes me. Or I allow it to paralyze me. Similar to what I allowed fear to do to me for so many years. See old habits are tough to crack; I went from one paralyzer to another! On those days, I usually want to pull cloak over my head and hide from the world.

Those days were and can be dark, dark times, and feel like I am in quicksand and sticky mud that continue to pull me down and sink me deeper into that darkness. That's a tough place to be. I lived in that world for a lot of years. 

For me, I had to put a lot of footwork in to drag, scratch, pull, tears, and scream myself out of that muck. Although the storms never go away, they roll in and out of my life constantly. I do have a choice to let the storm get me down, or I can learn to dance in the storm. No matter how dark the situation is or how dark my thoughts are, I do have a choice of how I react and decide to live and how I want to feel in that moment. It is an act of taking the power back!! Taking a moment to put a smile on my face and the more I do that, the more my heart starts smile. I'm on a continuous journey of finding happiness, joy and peace in every moment of my life. How do I do that, I grip onto willingness, my faith, and I work to believe and see the beauty and positivity in the people places and things around me. I know sounds silly, but it really can be that simple. I didn’t believe it at first, but I try to take a deep breath, believe, and open my eyes and heart to see the world in a new perspective that serves me better. It just takes practice and willingness.

Even if I am feeling dark inside, if I can be one spark of light in this dark world, then I have done my part. And you can do the same, find the light within you and let it SHINE! The more of us that reach deep within us to find that inner light, the more we will get rid of the darkness in this world. The Sun always comes up tomorrow.

Taking the Power Back

Life happens to all of us. Each and everyday we have struggles. Some struggles bigger than others. Don't give up on yourself. Take the happiness back, no matter what the struggle is. Learn the lesson, release the pain, and move on. Scars remind us of where we have been, not where we are headed.

Short and sweet today, but this short post resonated deep with me and really reminded me of several posts I have shared in the past over my few shorts years here in Bloggerville. :) 

Breathing in Gratitude

Today, I'm filled with gratitude! Looking back on the last five or six or so years, the meaning of gratitude or being grateful for what I had, was a foreign concept for me. I'd wallow in my self-pity, low self-esteem, while judging others, and the icing on the cake, was a queen martyr! I'm not proud of those things, but that was where I was at in my life. All of that negativity was a reflection of choices I had made over the years and certain people I choose to surround myself with. Although negative and not ideal, I know I had to walk that gravel and pot holed road to get to where I am today. So although I wasn't grateful then, I am today for that time. Although cliché, it has made me stronger in all aspects of my life, including my physical, emotional, and spiritual being!

Today things aren't perfect. I still have put more on my plate than I probably should. I still have some of the same chaos in my life today. The difference in today versus even just last year, I am making different choices and aware of my reactions in every aspect of my life. That includes my thoughts of myself and others, those thoughts are more positive and kind today. Replacing the harsh and cruelty I had for me and others. Also making the conscious effort to make different choices in my eating and exercise habits. Along with choosing to work on my spiritual health in a way that works for me. All those things combined and constantly working towards a balance, that has been pivotal for me. I'm by no means perfect in any of those areas. I ALWAYS have room for improvement! Luckily, I am getting better at identifying the diamonds hidden in my problems. But I have the awareness and strive in each moment of the day to continue to improve. That's all I can do and that's ok.

The other habit that has truly helped me grow was to make seven small promises to myself.  I read the quick notes taped to my mirror. Now I don't usually remember them all after I make the promise, but I have planted the seed each day. Eventually that seed will germinate and start to steadily grow. What is my little list I read every morning?

1.      I will listen to my body and mind when feeling stressed.

2.      I will smile every day.

3.      I will live a life of positive expansion.

4.      I will leave the past behind, but always take the lesson.

5.      I will always live the life I want to live.

6.      I will remember that relationships are seasonal.  

7.      I will accept when changes are needed in my life.

Bonus: Don’t compare myself with others; it is the death of my happiness.

I take the time for gratitude today and it helps me perceive my world and the sometimes dark world around me in a different light. That little dose of gratitude helps create a more positive and hopeful light as I take one step and one day at a time.

Accepting Love and Support

I have been writing quite a bit, but my perfectionism and lack of extra time have hindered me from shareing it here. All in due time. Thankfully there are no musts!

However, I would like to share today's reading from CtoC with you.

"The third step talks about placing my will and my life in the care of a higher power. For me, this power is a presence that loves me as I am, that accepts me with compassion on the bad days as well as the good. Once I have accepted that the destructive presence of another's alcoholism has affected my life, I need the benevolent influence of a Power untouched by this disease. What I do and turning over my will and my life is to become receptive to guidance; I become willing to accept the care of a Power greater than myself.

I think of this care as a source of love and support that surrounds me in my daily life. I do not need to earn it or to work for it; I need only be receptive to it. I continue to have a will to exercise and a life to live, but I do Sol bathed in a light of love and understanding.

Today's Reminder
When I open my heart to a power that fills me with love and acceptance, I can begin to extend those qualities to others. I may not do it perfectly or even consistently, but I can recognize my progress one day at a time."

I can recognize my progress one day at a time and I'm beyond words grateful for my life and the amazing people that are in my life. My life is truly a miracle.

Be Happy. Be Grateful. Be the Change.

I had a really nice weekend filled with learning new ways to work on my new business adventure, spent some quality time with some friends, and a relaxing day with family celebrating my beautiful and simply amazing Mom. I'm beyond grateful for my Mom and love her to the moon and back!

The other big thing this weekend was taking a leap of faith that resulted in a huge change, which finally allowed me to let go of something I have been holding onto with a tight grip. I have been mentally preparing myself for this change for a while now. You are probably asking, WOW, what big change did she make now?!! This is going to sound silly, but I switched my cell phone carrier and got a new phone. You are probably thinking, really, this is the big change?! Well, yes, for me it is!! Goodness I have had this same number and service (well I had Alltel, that was then bought out by Verizon) for 12 years!!! I loved the service and my plan doesn't even exist anymore that I was paying an arm, a leg, and half my house payment!! Ok that is exaggerating a little bit. But my bill was WAY to much for my new life style. Also, I have been purchasing or inheriting used phones from friends so I didn't lose my amazing plan!!! So yesterday, I changed carriers and got a new phone!! I couldn't think to much about it, but just had to take the leap and do it! If everything works out, my bill will be cut in half. Every little bit helps. Baby steps to jumping over the Grand Canyon in one leap! **smile** It is taking some work to get everything switched over, but so far so good.

Honestly, I've been working hard to fill my cabinet with extra courage for days like yesterday. I'm grateful for that! I will celebrate the little victories each day!

I took today off from my day time job, to take a breathier and try to catch up on life around the house a little bit. Also to spend some quality time with the girls, as they have been troopers while I have been living live a hundred miles an hour! We went for a nice long walk this morning and they are now napping happily. I hear them snoring as I type...

I'd like to share a quote I came across today. I'm grateful for those that come and go in my life. This was a beautiful way to think of them all.

“Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some people move our souls to dance. They awaken us to a new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom. Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon. They stay in our lives for a while, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same.” ~ Flavia Weedn  

Forgiveness

How was I able to end my marriage with integrity and grace? One word. Forgiveness. Forgiveness to myself and H, for years of unacceptable behavior from both of us and years of a toxic relationship that wasn't healthy for either of us. When I came to a healthy level of forgiveness, the weight of the anger, guilt, fear, and shame dissolved and left my shoulders. Truly a blessing. I have zero regrets and grateful for the journey we walked. But will be honest, I don't want to walk it again. So, to keep that true, I have to continue to work on me and not repeat history. 

Today, I am struggling with a few things. I am feeling the pressure of the stress in my shoulders and neck. Stress is like poison in my blood and muscles. Today I have to work extra hard to be gentle with myself and work to dissolve that stress I ingested. I am taking some time for myself to breath, rest, and try to reprioritize so I can release the stress. Smiling and surrounding myself with others that have a positive outlook helps. 

Perhaps I need to revisit forgiving myself for a few other things? I am wondering if some of the stress I am carrying around today is me being hard on myself for some choices I have made? Something to think and pray about about.

Changing Attitudes

I am struggling this week. Today the realization of my Al-anon milestone, thinking about each step and decision that I have made up to this point and how each of those have helped me get to this moment, and where I am at today. I am beyond grateful for life. I am in awe of the miracles that happen around me and the miracles that have happened to me during this amazing journey.

With that said... For some reason I jumped on a roller coaster this week. I feel raw. Exposed. Vulnerable. A little regrettable of some financial choices I have made. My attitude of f*@k-it-I'll-figure-it-out, well time has come to take responsibility and figure it out. I am feeling the overwhelming pressure of that. I can do it, I will do it, and I will show you, and myself, how to do it. That is going to be my new attitude and motto. Replacing my flawed previous thinking and actions with a different approach is a must right now. I am praying for the strength to live and breath this paradigm shift! Here is to letting it sink in and take root!!!