Beauty in Recovery

Our sunsets are never disappointing. It also changes quickly right in front of my eyes. My primary activity today was sleeping. I hardly ever sleep most of a day away; however, I think I'm still recovering from the last two weeks and must of needed the rest. I just glad I had a quiet weekend that I could take the break.

The few hours I was actually up today, I had a long carefree and loving conversation on the phone with H. It was one of those phone calls you would have with someone you are dating. We talked about anything and everything regarding life with the hint of flirting. There was compassion and sincere interest from both of us in what we both had to share without judgement. It was so much fun! Although only over the phone today, the level of intimacy in my marriage has improved by leaps and bounds in just the last few months. I attribute some of it to my willing to accept H for who he is and/or wants to be today. That's all I can do. I accept there is an inner struggle within H with the person he truly is (and the one I fell in love with) and the disease. The fact that I can simply enjoy who we both are today and be content with that, is such a relief. I spent so many years not living in the moment and continually wishing for something better. Longing watching the grass grow greener on the other side. However, not realizing at the time that image was simply an illusion and I had a wonderful life right in front of me the entire time. I realize today that wonderful doesn't translate into perfect or without chaos. I would not be the person I am today without those imperfections (or character defects) or chaotic experiences. I'm grateful today that I didn't have to lose any of that beauty in my life before I truly saw it with my heart and started to enjoy it. Although honestly, there was a lot of unacceptable behavior on both sides of the street that had to be sifted through before that beauty really started to shine. Time and willingness can heal wounds.

I've recognized that a characteristic that once allowed me to survive is no longer necessary, or that an asset that has lost its proportion makes my life unmanageable. Instead of proving sickness, this shows a willingness to face reality and a readiness to choose health.  Courage to Change page 230