"GET ME OUT OF HERE!"

Yesterday was tough. I stumbled and tripped a lot with controlling my own emotions and reactions because of my own stinking thinking! Fear and anxiety whirled around me with dominating force. I had a brain MRI scheduled after work. I've never had an MRI. I've also never really thought I was claustrophobic.

Last year I have a very VIVID memory of what I call my "official" anxiety attack that is associated with claustrophobia. We were camping and sleeping in our two person tent, plus the three dogs. We were packed and layered into this little tent. I woke up startled, not quite knowing where I was at for a moment and then pure fear of "GET ME OUT OF HERE!" struck me! I can remember thinking, "Why am I freaking out?!" I don't recall having a panic attack like that where I almost couldn't breath I was so panicked of not being able to open the zipper of the tent. When I finally had a sliver open and could shove my head out, I had instant relief. It was a bizarre but terrifying experience! Then I burst into tears of complete embarrassment of my actions and completely terrified of what just happened. H doesn't deal well when I go into these crying hysterics, so sometimes the lack of comforting sort of fuels the emotional burst of tears. Geez. What a mess I can be sometimes. Although, I must say, these "episodes" of complete emotional break downs don't happen very often anymore.

The whole situation made me look back and try to remember what event or trauma would have caused this to perhaps be triggered? I can vaguely remember as a child not liking turtle necks because they felt like they were suffocating me. I felt that wasn't very traumatic to leave my brain programmed to freak out when I'm in a small space. If there was a traumatic event, I've obviously blocked it completely from mind. I may have to explore that avenue slowly to see if more will be revealed.

Back to the current MRI experience. In January I experienced the worst headache I've ever had in my life. That is saying a lot, because I've had bad headaches most of my life. The one in January put every headache I've ever had in perspective!! I vaguely referred to the appointment in a past post that I had with the doctor a couple of weeks after I had my 1st migraine headache. He ordered an MRI to make sure everything is ok. The simple mention of getting an MRI in January made the hair on my arms prickle!

After some logical and un-logical excuses, I finally scheduled the MRI. I felt that I did really well all day at work and all the way up to the moment when the nurse took me into the room with the MRI. I asked questions, I was conscious that I was breathing, saying the serenity prayer, and thinking of all the suggestions friends had made from their MRI experiences. Once I laid down on the platform and was "clipped" into the headset. That anxiety feeling of panic I felt in the tent, started to rise in my chest. I was able to say to the nurse before she slide me into the tube, "please unclip the mask." The staff was extremely kind and nice, amazing patient care. Which I was greatly appreciative!! So needless to say, although I thought I was doing ok all day and trying to keep myself calm. I believe I was living in an illusion, as I started to cry laying there on the platform. A suggestion from many was to get some medicine that would help me relax. That required extra steps with my doctor that I chose not to take. That was a mistake. Again, the tears of complete embarrassment that my fear had taken over in front of these complete strangers and I felt that I had wasted their time! The staff keep saying over and over, "You are not the first and you won't be the last, don't worry about it. No reason to get upset." Ugh.


My episode sort of turned me inside out last night. I had a nice little pity party for myself all the way home. This is where I stumbled and tripped back into my old behaviors. H was still up and making dinner. (He made delicious Reuben sandwiches!) I was deeply drowning in my own pity and embarrassment that I didn't say a word. H didn't ask how it went. So I stuffed my feelings. He proceeded to be himself and teased me about something, as he always does. In my raw state, I simply shut down and left the room. I'm grateful H stepped up and called me out on my behavior. How is he suppose to read my mind!? I needed to communicate what was going on and that I was in a raw emotional state at that moment. There is always a speed bump that can easily bump me off the road of my recovery. I'm grateful for the reality check H helped me find. I'm also grateful H was able to recognize this "old path" that we would regular take in the past and put a stop to it before it completely spiraled out of control! Thankful, I came to my senses. We had a good talk about what happened. I started to feel better right away. Although, I tried to do this alone, I need to remember and be reminded that I don't have to do this alone. I have the loving support of family, friends, and my recovery program!!

This morning, I called the doctor to get a prescription to help calm my nerves. As soon as I hear back from the doctor, I will re-schedule the MRI. Then I'll arrange for someone to go with me, as I won't be able to drive home after taking whatever prescription the doctor prescribes. I honestly don't think anything is actually medically wrong with my "brain", but I'll try to go through the steps to confirm that is correct. I suppose I had to take the rough road with this process to experience some of these helpful reminders. I hope I was paying attention and learned what I was suppose too!

"Worry and fear can alter our perceptions until we lose all sense of reality, twisting neutral situations into nightmares."  Courage to Change