In a conversation when someone says something I don't agree with or like and I feel passionate about that topic or situation, it is tough for me to respond in a healthy voice. I have to try to ask myself, am I speaking up to convince them they are wrong? Attempting to control the situation to manipulate an outcome I would prefer? Ahhh, my illusion of control can so easier grasp me tightly and not want to let go. I am proud of myself though in speaking up at all and putting myself out there, because in the past I would of just let those thoughts stew inside me and fester into something ugly. Although, back to finding that balance with practice, if I don't have the facts to support my passion on a topic, for me I need to keep my mouth shut.
Generally my entire life I feel like I've been the peace maker (diplomat or people-pleaser) and never spoke up in opposition of what is being said if I don't agree or if I believe something different. Also, I believe having a lower than average self-esteem has also affected my ability to speak up and find my voice. However, if I do find my voice in these situations and speak up, my next layer of struggle is my tone and the words I use. I can go from one end of the spectrum of completely ignoring my feelings to accommodate others by agreeing when I don't agree, to not being so nice and completely not listening to the other side while sharing why I'm passionate about the topic. It's a pendulum that swings back and forth. Maintaining a balance somewhere in the middle is getting easier as I build my self-esteem through the tools I'm gaining from Al-Anon. The more I practice, stumble, get back up, and try again, the more courage I gain to take that step again, no matter how uncomfortable it is for me. Today, I can be aware of treating myself with kindness and respect in these situations. Then in return, I generally can do the same to those around me.
"I will appreciate that all of my instincts and feelings exist for a reason. Today, instead of trying to banish these feelings, I will strive to find a balance." Courage to Change
I've copied that quote "I will accept that all of my instincts and feelings..." and put it on my monitor. Too many days I am upset that I have "bad" feelings and try to avoid them or get caught stewing in them. If they're there for a reason (Which I can't see) then I should try to acknowledge them and then move on. A good lesson for today. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteI tend to speak up and express myself. What I have to realize is that I cannot change another person's mind. I need to speak my opinion and then let it go. Badgering is about control.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you liked it Cori. :0) Letting go of that control little by little, Syd, is tough for me. But absolutely worth it!
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