My Footwork Continues to Pay Off

It continues to make me pause and be in complete awe when I get through a difficult moment or situation without feeling crazy and ready to fly off the handle. I can remember in the past being so sensitive that anything would catch me off guard and "ruin" my day. I was always looking over my shoulder waiting for the shoe to drop, to confirm my day was ruined! Without hesitation, I handed the power of my serenity and happiness to others around me. My suffering brought me a lot of attention that I tried to use to fill the holes that were in my heart and soul. I was a professional martyr and didn't even realize I had taken up that profession!

Today I can honestly say that I gave up that profession; although I do have moments that my train of thought starts to go down that road again of how I want to react to a situation and I have no intentions of practicing martyrdom! I much rather practice humility and reach for the help of my higher power through different situations. Recently there were two situations that were a bit traumatic for me. Both situations brought back that same train of thought of first, "How dare that other person try to cause me harm or try to upset me!" I wanted to play the victim and cry out to the world the injustice! Then I went through the feelings of being upset that I was wronged! How dare that other person! Quickly realizing my old character defects wanted to sprout up and that deep old practice of fuming for days and weeks about the situation, and WANTING to be upset so I could cry and vent to any human being within ear shot! Ugh, I am still shocked so many of my friends and family stuck around for so long through those years I was lost and fumbling around as I dealt with the family disease of alcoholism in my home.

I paused and realized I was alive and did not want to be upset. How important was it? Then I could pull from my shelf of compassion and say a little prayer for the other person. Next, I said the serenity prayer and took a deep breath. Then I worked to let it go. Truly a powerful and miraculous miracle I could work through that thought process.  None of that could of been possible without Al-Anon, my sponsor, my family, the literature, and my continued determination to continue to be a better person. That determination wavers some days, but I just work to pick myself back up and keep taking steps in the right direction to help myself not hide behind that pain and anger that keep me buried for so many years.

"... the greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions and not on our circumstances."  ~Martha Washington

Just for Today...

This month, my expectations are tearing down the walls of my serenity. The time to rebuild begins now.

Just for today, I will be unafraid. Especially I 

will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, 

and to believe that as I give to the world, so 

the world will give to me.

I would like to share and focus on some of the beauty that I have been blessed with and surrounded with lately.

The last three or four days we have had quite the rain storm roll through, in fact the area I live in had 2.2 inches of rain alone. Which for the desert, is pretty darn good! Some little facts the local news shared; This storm helped us catch up with our average rainfall for the year. The amount we received also surpassed the entire rainfall from November 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, and 2012 combined! Here are a few photos I captured from the last few days. Ahhhh clouds, they are so beautiful. 

My garden is a true blessing to me, it brings me a lot of peace and serenity. Although I am still struggling with the little caterpillar type creatures eating my plants. I keep spraying the DIY formula I found, but it is not getting rid of the bugs for long. I am open to tips or suggestions!  Here are a few photos of my sanctuary backyard with my plants. I was having fun with the rain on the leaves. 

Just for today, I will adjust myself to what is, 

and not try to adjust everything to my own 

desires. I will take my "luck" as it comes, 

and fit myself to it.

Courageous

In our busy lives, it is important to have days like Veteran's Day to help people pause, remember, an honor our veterans, past, present, and future. Although I am a huge advocate everyday should be a day to honor those that serve our country! Thank you to those that serve, I am forever grateful beyond words for each and every one of you. Some of the most important people in my life have served with honor and pride. A few of those vets dear to my heart are my Dad, H, and several other dear friends. I need to track down photos of my Dad and H, hope those are not lost. Thank you to each of you for your sacrifices.

This past weekend was filled with adventure, friends, and family. I tried a new adventure with the inspiration of a dear friend. Last time we were hanging out by one of our local town lakes, we saw folks standing on boards that looked like surf boards and paddling away around the lake. I was intrigued and saw similar boards in San Diego. Although the folks in San Diego were battling the ocean waves! That's another ball game! The "waves" at the lake were more like ripples and a great way for beginners to Sup. I LOVED IT! It took me a few minutes to get my bearings, but as soon as I had it I was in heaven. It was a great way to spend time on the water, plus get a great workout in while soaking up the amazing weather we had and connecting with my inner peace. I'll be doing that again. 

I have been spending time each morning and evening in the garden. I harvested a few things from the garden last weekend. The lettuce has been perfect! I had a nice batch of radishes. A zucchini was ready, an odd shape, but hey it will still be good! Last week I harvested a cucumber that was delicious in my salad! My chocolate mint is ready, I just am not quite sure what to use it in. I haven't been in the mood for tea yet, not quite cool enough. I will have to explore that a bit more.

This past weekend I had the privilege to support a dear friend in her adventure of walking the 3 day Breast Cancer 60 mile walk. She has participated in the event for the last several years and no signs of stopping. She is an inspiration to me. I admire her drive and commitment to those around her. I am grateful our paths crossed and that I have the honor to be her friend.

In addition to my new adventures, I did have sometime this past weekend to sit, read, and relax. That is a rare thing for me. Although there was a handful of "to do" items I choose to sit and be still. Generally the only way I can accomplish that is to read a good book and/or pursue through my Al-Anon literature. Luckily I had the opportunity to do both! I love books I can escape and completely forget about the world around me. I am reading a series right now by Christine Feehan, it's a nice escape! I also made some time to work on my workbook. Although I didn't finish my homework, I did get it started.

The reading today was about insanity vs. sanity. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. That is exactly what I did for years. I continued the insanity of trying to control people, places, and things around me that I had ZERO control over! Oh, but I would say with pride, "I am not a quitter!" Pride, there was one of my speed bumps. That insanity was woven deeply into my heart and soul, sewn together over years and years of insanity taking the reins. I'm grateful today that I can make a choice and choose sanity. I can turn my will and my life over to the care of a HP of my understanding. Learning to let go of that control, well more realistically the "illusion of control". I am still amazed when I look back at my behavior that I ran in circles for years. In fact those circles just got smaller and smaller drowning in insanity! Sort of like a boa constrictor that keep getting tighter and tighter until I could not breath or see the world around me. That insanity was strangling the life out of me until I was a broken shell of a person. Thankfully today I can catch my self when I start to walk in those circles of insanity. Take a step back and get back on a better track filled with serenity, love, and strength.

I love the quote at the end of the reading, "Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new end." As We Understood... (CTC, pg 316). This is a nugget that has stuck with me from the beginning of my journey of recovery. I can start over a day at any time. I do not have to wait until the next day to start over. I actually had a day last week, or if I am honest a couple of days, that started out a little rough. Nothing was going smoothly or well. One morning, I burnt my breakfast and filled the house with smoke. On a positive side, I did NOT burn down the house and I did NOT set off the smoke detectors before using the fan to blow out the smoke into the backyard so didn't wake up H. That day, I would get through the moment. Laugh at myself. Then hit the imaginary "reset" button. And move on with my day. If I remember correctly, I was hitting the button pretty much all day and all I could do was laugh. I will tell you by the end of that day, I felt peaceful and had a light heart despite the otherwise catastrophic  events (so my mind wanted to blow out of perspective). It is all about perspective and putting myself in check and find that sanity.

Is It Enough?

For years I would wake up wishing for what I did not have. Trying to manipulate my life to be a fairy tale fantasy. To have the romantic knight and shining armor ride up on his gallant horse to make me happy! To save me from everything and put my heart at ease. I wanted and needed, so I thought, my knight to be my EVERYTHING! I found at the end of the day I was sadly disappointed my expectations were not meet. After years and years of my expectations piling up with resentment that led to my deep and toxic anger. That toxic way of thinking, expecting of others that are not capable of being or giving what I expected brought me to my knees. The energy I exerted trying to change the people around me and my world to fit a twisted fantasy in my head. 

When I finally learned to accept others for exactly who they were, the peace and serenity started to seep into my day. Taking that inventory daily of how important that fantasy was to me and how realistic it would be for expectations I created in my head. If I didn't communicate to others things that I dreamed or wished for, they would never know. They can't read my mind. Then even if I shared those dreams and wished, I am the only one that can make those dreams and wished come true! I am responsible for my own happiness. That was a new concept for me, as I laid that power in others hands for as long as I can remember. It took me a long time, and still working on it daily, to take that power back and help mold my own destiny of happiness. On rough days that I feel down I work hard to focus on the wonderful people, animals, and things I have in my life. I am truly blessed, and always have been, but I was blind and did not see the miracles around me. Today, I can pause, take a deep breath and fill my heart and lungs with gratitude of life. On days that I can be filled with gratitude of what I have today, it is enough. In fact, it is more than enough! I wish I had a road map to explain how I went from fantasy to reality filled with gratitude, but I don't. All I know is I worked my Al-Anon program one day at a time and continue to do my footwork to find that peace and serenity gratitude brings to me today. 

Gratitude Fills My Heart

I love this time of year for many reasons. I am constantly reminded everyday to be grateful for the little things in my life. I did a 30 day photo gratitude list a few years ago. This year I would like to focus on a saying I find for each day that helps me focus on the gratitude in my everyday life. Normally I would put the pressure on myself to do a post everyday when I take on these internal challenges, but I will be gentle with myself and post as I can through this journey.

Several of my friends have been working on shifting their thinking and their actions to "be the change" they want to see. I am very proud of each of them for taking the step to make the changes they want to see in themselves and the world around them. I am grateful to have them in my life. I feel for myself over the last several  years I have taken one step at a time each day to make the change and paradigm shift to set my life on a better track. A more loving, positive, and spiritually healthy life. I am grateful for the little miracles each day brings to my heart through the "little" changes I have chosen to make and apply that have brought me peace and serenity in the mist of chaos and the active disease of alcoholism living in my home.

I have heard many say they start their day with a half hour of reading, meditating, and journaling before tackling the day. In theory, that would be amazing! However, reality for me I don't always have that time in the morning. Or even more honestly, I don't make the time. **sigh** I do agree starting each day with a grateful heart is important, that can set the tone for my day and effect everything I touch or interact with that day. I do make time in the morning after my workout to water my garden. This helps me pause in my busy day. I can stop my mind from running a hundred miles an hour to enjoy the beauty of my garden. Appreciate the power of patience as each plant works to create veggies to harvest. Knowing I can't tug on each plant to have it grow faster, makes me take a step back and take a deep breath. Then to have the awareness to notice the stubborn weeds that continue to pop up, then take action to pull them to keep the integrity of the garden. Working in harmony with my garden is my way of starting my day with a grateful heart.

How do you start your day to set the tone of gratitude?

Pesky Pests

Part of gardening is dealing with the pesky pests that destroy my plants. They are just doing what they were born to do, but it puts a damper on my garden and they can go somewhere else to eat their fill. I have been researching organic DIY pest control formulas for my plants. I am not 100% sure who the pests are, but have a few ideas. Possibly could be vine weevils. They are nocturnal apparently, and the last few nights I have been so exhausted, I keep forgetting to out and look! In the meantime, I believe I found an organic remedy that is an "all purpose" since I am not completely sure what is enjoying my plants. 

Here are some photos of the damage. If you have any suggestions, please let me now!

Yesterday evening I went to my first Long Timer Meeting. As always, it was amazing. I saw a lot of friends I have not seen since May. Warms my heart and soul to get a big hug from a dear friend. It was a gentle reminder to myself how much my service work has really opened my opportunity for growth and connecting with others in the fellowship. I am at a cross road trying to determine what my next service position will be. Since I have been in limbo for the last five months, I have put energy back into my home group with service. However, last night a dear friend asked if I would be interested in a new position that is open. I will pray about it and get back to her.

The speakers last night were very inspirational and I took away exactly what I needed to hear. I am struggling right now with several things. One, I am caring to much what others think. Secondly, I have not been feeling graceful in what I say to others and myself. With a sprinkle of low self-esteem and toss in some stinking thinking, you have a formula for disaster! The tug a war in my head is exhausting. Little by little I am working with my HP, my sponsor, and taking it one day at a time. There is one conversation that is haunting me. I have been praying about it and talking through what was my part and what was the other persons. I have some more work to do. One nugget of hope I heard last night was a question one of the speakers asked herself. "How are you going to make it right?" I really liked that and could apply it to my current situation. Instead of churning over the justifications of why I said what I said, I need to shift my focus on making it right between me and the other person. At least finding a spiritual solution that will bring me back to peace and serenity in my mind and heart. The journey continues with these pesky pests in  my head and garden! 

Getting My Hands Dirty!

I can hardly believe it is almost mid October already! As I have mentioned, I made time this fall to plant a garden. I haven't planted a garden in more than a year, or more. I lost track, but it has been to long. It brings me peace and serenity to get my hands dirty. When I tend to my garden, I lose track of time and the world around me. Having the connection with nature is a must in my life. In addition, I am reminded over and over when I neglect this constant connection my recovery suffers.

One of my very first Simply Me posts was about gardening and how I related it to my Al-Anon recovery.  This is still one of my favorite posts.

It is important for me to remember that preparing the soil is the first step to building a successful foundation for my garden's growth. This summer I set my mind that I was going to do a garden this fall. Not only was I excited, but my Mom was thrilled about the idea! She loves to dedicate some of her time in helping with the garden and enjoying the fruits of our labor. We dedicated a weekend to prepare the soil I already had with our magic ingredient. As the day neared, I was ready for an all day undertaking and hard labor to dig, loosen the over year old dirt, and add the amazing horse manure! As in usual fashion, I blow up a situation in my head to a point that it feels daunting to me and I have a thin layer of dread of the task ahead. In the past, I was a master at procrastinating, then blowing things out of portion so when it came down to the wire of completing something, I was an emotional wreak! I look back wondering why I always did that to myself. Also remembering back at the level of anxiety and stress I would put onto my own shoulders. Nonsense! Today, I work hard to not dump that same weight onto my shoulders and heart with the stinking thinking. However, it still amazing me how it can sneak up. Life majority of the time proves to me that the very event or thing I blew out of portion, actually wasn't that bad. It only took us a few hours to loose, turn, and mix the dirt that afternoon. It was tough, but rewarding work. The icing on the cake was spending quality time with my Mom, who I love dearly.

When I get caught up in my stinking thinking those weeds in the garden come out of NO WHERE! I have learned not only through my gardening, but through my program that it is a constant and daily effort to keep everything in line and free of unwanted expectations in order to provide amble room to grow. When I worry about others and what they think of me, my serenity cease to exist. Another factor I have learned is to not plant to many plants next to each other. This will prevent a plant from fully maturing or producing. This can also relate to not planning to many obligations in one day. I can suffer from saying yes to too many events and feeling stretched in too many directions, to ultimately not enjoy any of the activities because I am worried about moving onto the next!

Ok, I am rambling.

After the dirt was perfected, my Mom said, let's plant. It completely took me off guard. I had mentally prepared myself that the dirt portion of the project was going to take all day! Thankfully I have learned to be flexible and find my ability to adapt as things come flying at me. I excitedly pulled out all the seeds I had, made a game plan for both of my above ground planters and the numerous pots. Once we had our road map, we went to work and seamlessly created a master piece garden! My HP must of been proud and pleased with our work, because the next three days we had an unexpected beautiful and plentiful rain storm feed and nourished my garden like nothing else could. ALL of my seeds, except the green onions, came up in less than half the noted time seeds take to sprout. It was a miracle to watch the growth explode through out my garden.

My mind feels a little scattered after this week and I feel my writing is all over the map, but I'm here. Living in the moment. Working to dissolve any of the demons my mind is trying to create. My garden is my escape, my savior when I am in the thick of my stinking thinking. When I start to over analyze something I said or someone else's reaction. I am treading water today with some thoughts of friends. I pray I can find acceptance with the situation and surrender. Because as I can feel the pain from my mind creating a turmoil situation that is possibly ONLY in  my mind! I need to bring more awareness to myself about the situation, accept the situation, then take action if I do indeed need to make amends to others or perhaps myself. Then I have to let it go! My pain lately is through my resistance.

Salad planter - Lettuce, radishes, carrots, and the green onions never sprouted.

Tomato and cucumber

Broccoli - something is eating the leaves

Zucchini!! I think these are my favorite, next to the tomatoes

Brussels Sprouts and Jalapeno, on a stick! LOL

Chocolate Mint! Ahhh... glad to have it back! 

Trying something new, Pumpkins. Beautiful leaves!

Snap peas. Again, I have an invader chopping on the leaves

Another tomato... tamoto

"It is not enough merely to see that we have faults and make vague resolutions to do better. It takes definite effort to make ourselves receptive." The Twelve Steps & Tradition, p. 6.

Power of the Mind

Think Positive

If you think you are beaten, 

you are.

If you think you should not,

you shouldn't.

Success begins with your 

own will...

it's all in your state

of mind.

Life's battles are not

always won.

By those who are stronger

or faster;

Sooner or later the person who wins

Is the person who thinks

he can!

I have this on a card I bought at one of the Al-Anon conventions. I am grateful for these little reminders I can pull out of my pocket or purse to set me back on track to tackle anything life has to toss at me. I was able to survive a huge hurdle today that has been on the horizon for sometime now. I allowed it to cause me some anxiety and stress; however, with tremendous support from friends and family, I was able to endure the task at hand. Although results are still to be determined, I have a sense of peace all will be well and will work out just the way they are suppose too. It always renews my faith in human beings to enter a difficult situation and be pleasantly surprised to have others that are down to earth, aim for the truth and facts, and honestly seem to care for the well being of others. That always warms my heart about others that have those traits. Feeling relieved today and grateful for the little miracles around me and the power of positive thinking can help me get through a difficult day or task. 

Good for the Soul

I had productive and peaceful weekend with lots of time to myself and a wonderful afternoon filled with family and laughter. They are good for my soul and help me recharge my courage and strength. I am beyond grateful for them. I have been working really hard to focus on the moment and focus on the positive in my day. When I look at the bigger picture right now, I start to feel like I could falter and that old dread starts to gnaw at my insides. I do not want to go back to that place. Life is so fragile. I do not want to waste another minute focusing on the things I have NO CONTROL and cannot change. Instead, keeping that focus on the things I can control and the things I CAN change. 

I feel as though I have stumbled quite a bit lately in what I say. Generally, I feel like I can have grace in what I say to others. However, lately, that does not feel like the case. I am not sure what lesson I am suppose to learn through these mishaps, but I am working to keep my eyes, heart, and mind open to pick it up soon! 

A dear friend of mine was on my mind this morning. The last few years, if someone is on my mind, I will reach out with a simple message. That could be an email, phone call, text, mailing a letter/card, or whatever the moment calls for, but something to let them know they are on my mind and I appreciate/love them. Because I do with all my heart. However, sometimes I am interrupted for various reasons and do not get the message out when I originally thought of them. I had a pleasant surprise this morning, that dear friend that I was thinking of today actually sent me a message first! It brought tears to my eyes and I could feel the love. I am forever grateful for my dear friends that know who I am and what I'm all about, and love me all the same. 

As life tosses challenges at me and I duck, bob, weave, and sometimes get hit in the face due to not bobbing fast enough, I am continually reminding myself to be gentle with myself. Today I shuffled the power thought cards my friend gave me to see what I needed to read for today. Forgiveness. The reminder was to forgive myself. The "mistakes" I feel I have been making lately, I need to forgive myself and release the worry and turmoil I put myself through. Make my amends, majority of the time with myself since the "mistakes" are most likely in my head and no one even noticed. Forgiving myself will help me release me from the past. Forgiveness is the answer to almost every problem. A lot of my problems, I have created in my own mind and then that can escalate to other issues that never needed to be there. If I forgive myself for not doing something better or perfect, that goes a LONG ways! **deep breath** Forgiveness is a gift to myself. That gift can be in the present, forgive myself and set myself free. 

I would like to end with sharing a quote I came across this week, that I loved. It provides a slightly different perspective, that I always enjoy! Progress not perfection. 

Are Your Windows Clean?

I came across a reading the other day that made me think. It was simple and provided a different perspective to viewing what we see in life.

The reading went something like this...

A young couple moves into a new neighborhood. The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside. "That laundry is not very clean; she doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap." Her husband looks on, remaining silent. Every time her neighbor hangs her wash to dry, the young woman makes the same comments. The woman is surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and says to her husband: "Look, she's finally learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this? " The husband replies, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."

What we see when watching others depends on the clarity of the window through which we look.