If I look for Love, I'll find Love.

Another beautiful year has zoomed by! However, I honestly can say this was a beautiful year for me where I worked hard to be in the moment and honestly enjoy the beauty around me. Also a year of taking life by the horns and really taking the power back. Crushing and dissolving my fears left and right. Also accepting and giving myself credit, although I had a lot of change in the last year and I have come a long ways in the last few years; My journey is just beginning!

The first day I walked into the rooms of Al-anon, was on this day, April 13th, six years ago. I will forever remember that date and that one hour I sat in a room filled with a diverse group of people that evening. My only purpose for going to the meeting was to support my dear new friend, who was struggling with an abusive alcoholic marriage and she was seeking answers. However, just after the first 10 or 15 minutes as the chairperson read the opening, I had tears rolling down my cheeks. I had no idea how broken spiritually and emotionally I was, as well as angry and encased in fear. I cried the entire hour and quickly realized, I needed to be in this room too! I also wanted to know what these amazing people had found. I couldn't put words to it, but you could feel the serenity, peace, and happiness from these people! And they were smiling!!? I wanted what they had. Since that pivotal point in my life, I have never looked back, I was ready to change. I am beyond thankful my Higher Power helped guide me to those rooms this specific day. Now don't get me wrong, I had days I questioned what I was getting myself into, of course. In those weak moments, I hung onto my hope and the support of my group to help carry me through those low and difficult times. The group, my sponsor(s), and my willingness to do the footwork in my program, helped me slowly build my confidence, my self-esteem, my self-love, my self-worth, and helped me find compassion and love for other people while detaching and not owning what was not mine, and many, many, many other beautiful blessings. It gave me a fresh new way to look at life. A fresh new way to look at myself and those around me. I'm still healing my deep wounds from the past, but as I have said before, today I know how to mend those wounds so they don't sit open and fester. Instead, if a wound is opened, I can take the time to tend and care for it so it can heal slowly.

This program taught me that I have choices; I can choose fear or I can choose love. More often than not in my past, I quickly choose fear, even after I had the awareness I didn't have to choose fear. It took time to realize in the moment of chaos, that I do have a choice. It takes practice. Today it is easier to accept and take action to choose love. However, I can easily jump on the old wagon of fear! Thankfully, today I know I can jump off that wagon anytime I wish. That is comforting and allows me to give myself some slack that sometimes my path is on that wagon of fear. Gives me an opportunity to learn something or heal another layer of pain through the experience.

"If I look for fear, I'll find fear. If I look for love, I'll find love. Which one do I choose to seek today?" Hope for Today

I am filled with gratitude today. Focusing on remembering to breath, take a deep breath, and look around me with a smile. I want to enjoy the moment! So that is what I am going to do.

Revealing

The weekend ended up being quite nice. I had the opportunity to spend a lot of the time with my parents. I cherish both of them very much and grateful for the quality time.

I know I have shared before, it is difficult for me to just exist in the moment, with myself. I always had a hard time sitting still physically, for as long as I can remember. Even if I managed to sit still, my mind was going in a hundred different directions at warp speed. I had several opportunities this weekend to sit and rest my mind. I had to put the breaks on my thoughts several times. It was extremely uncomfortable and, honestly, exhausting! I realize that doesn't make any sense. How is it exhausting to rest my body and mind? Probably because I am working hard to keep it in check. The slogan, Easy Does It came to mind.

I must be working through another layer of healing, as I shed many tears this weekend. I learned in the rooms of Al-Anon, that when my heart is open, my eyes leak. Seemed the littlest thing would trigger my tears either by seeing certain things, hearing something shared by another person, a simple text message, or even me sharing something with someone else. Perhaps that is why I am exhausted, not from working to still my mind. Part of this layer of healing I feel has to do with wishing for something or someone that I don't have. For years, I have struggled with wishing for things that are not.  That was an old habit that poisoned my life. As I continue to learn about myself, I believe I fell into that thinking trap, since that is how H lived and breathed his life.

Today I believe and work hard to practice that I have everything I need and nothing that I don't. Reminds me of an amazing song by ZBB. Despite my awareness, I find I still drink that poison from time to time.

Being outside my comfort zone starts to also reveal my vulnerabilities! Finding the courage to expose those vulnerabilities and insecurities seems to dissolve some of the power they hold over me. Still terrifying, but I know it is a healthy step in the right direction for me. A dear friend of mine opened up a gym last October and is doing an amazing job growing her business to help ladies walk the path of finding their confidence and reach their health goals. Last week she sent out a challenge for members to do a video testimonial that was under 3 mins. The winner of the challenge gets a $100 spa day gift card. The competitive side of me was in the driver seat and promised to create a creative video message. I want that spa day. All my insecurities were screaming from the backseat and basically hung on for dear life through the ride. With the help of my amazing sister and her man, we put together a humorous video that shares a small part of my journey. Someday I will find the courage to share with you.

The ground has felt a little unfamiliar and uneven lately as I charter into new territories. As fear tries to strangle me, I work hard to breath and dissipate that fear and replace it with faith! I am grateful my HP balances out my struggles with miracles. I strongly believe they are tied together, but I don't realize that until after the fact. Anyhow, a few things I have misplaced or lost in the last few months were revealed to me this weekend. A few months ago my Fitbit fell off, I thought while I was out and about. I was pretty bummed, as that simple little thing helped step up my motivation in my exercising last year! I did end up treating myself by upgrading to a new and improved one that tracks my heart rate. I am LOVING that while I exercise. After my Mom and I were done sorting through my fabric and taking inventory, we were putting the boxes away, and right there on the floor, was my old Fitbit! I could not believe it! The second little miracle, I have a spare mail key I keep in my car. However, it went missing the other day. Instead of panicking and getting upset, I took a deep breath and let it go. Praying it would show up soon so I didn't have to get the locks changed. This weekend I was cleaning my car inside and out, there under the seat was the key! I know these sound simple, but just these little items showing up unexpectedly was a positive experience.

Reminiscing

Wow, almost a month has flown by since I wrote my last share. March was a wonderful month. Work was crazy busy. I exercised like a beast. Won the member of the month at the gym for putting in the time and hard work. House sat a few times. Had ever second before, lunch, and after work planned with friends and family. I have realized that my calendar has been quite busy. I did ask myself the other day, what are you avoiding? That was an old habit of mine, when things got difficult at home, I got busy. Filled every second of the day with a task and scheduling to meet up with friends and family. It was my way of "hiding" or avoiding what I didn't want to face.

Fast forwarding to today. All the plans I made for the weekend, fell through and left me with an open calendar. I will be honest late this afternoon I panicked a little! What am I going to do!? Then I took a deep breath and realized, maybe this was a sign that I needed some down time to myself. So what did I do, I started tackling chores around the house that I have been neglected. Ahhh, still avoiding.

So I am taking a moment to reflect and simply exist with myself for a while.

Last week we had an amazing meeting. The chairperson typed up some "today's reminder" quotes from CtoC. It was a new fresh idea for a topic for the meeting. There were so many to choose from, it was hard to pick just one to share about. Naturally, because I thrive on no musts, I picked several to pull from for where I was at that evening.

"Today, when faced with choices, I will opt for the path that enhances my self-esteem." pg 118
Coming to the realization that I have choices, that was a huge light bulb that went on for me. Once I realized I had those choices, it took me a bit longer to find courage to take action that was in the best interest for me and my self-esteem. That didn't happen at first, because I lacked self-esteem, so I really had to work on that next so I could put this reminder to work in my daily life.

"Faith takes practice. I will include my Higher Power in more of my actions and decisions today." pg 59
This one really stood out to me. Six years ago I was lost, hurt, angry, and extremely broken in so many ways, I didn't have a higher power or faith. I simply reacted to those around me and the toxic situations I placed myself into. As I worked the first three steps, I keep hearing I needed to find a Higher Power of my understanding and build a relationship so I could have faith. It took time, in fact years for me to connect with a Higher Power that worked for me. My HP, works for me, I don't fit into a mold or a religious label. That brings peace and serenity to my soul, knowing I can have a Higher Power of my own, that's doesn't have to have a label. Once I made that connection with my HP, I slowly started to learn how to hand things over, and not take them back. I did that a lot, or just hand over the easy pieces, because I knew I had to take care of the difficult items. Boy, I had a lot to learn. Luckily, there was no time frame I had to fit into. I found my faith and it now flows deep. The reminder is correct, it takes practice, everyday. I know the connection with my HP and the courage I collected, is the only reason I was able to make the difficult decision I did last year to end my marriage. To let go of everything I ever knew, even though it was all bleeding me dry. My faith and courage have helped me take my life back. Allowing me to enjoy the beauty around me. Given me the opportunity to surround myself with people that support and accept me for who I am, even as I change. Having that faith and courage, also help me in every action and decision, small or large that I have to make. As simple as letting a car merge in front of me, to decided if I am going to take on a new part time job. I have to invite my Higher Power along for every decision, because time and time again has proven, I mess it up every time I embark out on my own.

I have been working hard to place myself outside my comfort zone every chance I can get. That is SOOOO difficult and I don't like it one bit. However, I am rewarded almost every time I push myself. It is worth the uncomfortableness even if the situation goes well or doesn't, I am making the choice to participate in my life. I sat on the sidelines for so many years, it's difficult and have to remind myself I am in the driver seat now. I am creating my happiness, my courage, my faith, my self-love to help me take each step in the right direction.

My perspective is very different today, than it was six years ago. It is filled with optimism, determination, kindness, eagerness, laughter, courage, and hope. Because my past is a part of me, my old perspective will always try to sneak in when I have my guard down, such as being hungry, angry, lonely or tired. My old fears try to put shackles on me and clogged my mind with the disease of attitude! When I am sinking into those old thinking habits, I have to be gentle with myself and call a friend to help pull me out of that muck.

"Wonderful things can happen today because I welcome the thrill of participating in my own life." pg 70

Today was a holiday at work, so I was able to indulge and sleep in! Then I went and worked out with the amazing group of ladies at the gym at a time I never get to go since I am normally working. Next, went to lunch and a movie with my parents. Finally, spent a little time with an old friend, who was my freshman High School English teacher many moons ago. He has always been an inspiration to me. It was wonderful catching up with him. It is hard to believe several decades have passed since I was in his class! My goal everyday is not to waste another minute of this precious and amazing life! Another blog I follow said it perfectly today, "Laugh at the confusion, live consciously in the moment, and enjoy your life as it unfolds. You might not end up exactly where you intended to go, but you will eventually arrive precisely where you need to be."

Don't Romanticize Life

I had an amazing weekend! A bunch of the amazing gals I workout with at the gym, we all signed up for one of the local 5K mud runs. What a blast!! Getting a great workout, getting dirty, and hanging out with great friends! I also got to spend sometime with a friend, who I am still trying to figure out what will come of it. That preciously is probably my obstacle, STOP trying to figure it out and just enjoy. I keep telling myself that, and all is well. Until I start thinking again. I will keep practicing and reminding myself to not push the river, all will work out exactly the way it is supposed too, whether that is how I envisioned it or not! **smile**

In addition to all that, I also got to meet up with a couple of friends that mean a lot to me, but just don't get to see these amazing ladies very often. I made it a point to carve sometime out to catch up with these ladies. Always filled my soul with gratitude to truly spend quality time with friends that mean the world to me.

Tonight, I couldn't make my normal weight lifting training, but that didn't stop me from still having an awesome, cardio, fat burning workout tonight! The weather outside could not have been more perfect! I am beyond grateful for living in my state.

I was about to head off to bed, but noticed one of my favorite bloggers posted a list of items I should be able to say about my life. This blogger focuses on life lessons and usually puts the thoughts and concepts into lists. So I naturally levitate towards those posts, because I love my lists!! One of the items on the recent post, REALLY hit home with me.

Here is the exact quote:
"I don’t need anyone else to complete me. – There’s far more to life than finding someone who will want you, or getting upset over someone who won’t.  There’s a lot of important time to be spent discovering yourself without begging someone to fall in love with you along the way… and this journey doesn’t need to be empty or painful.  YOU need to fill yourself up with love – self-love – first.  Become a whole being on your own.  Go on adventures, explore your passions, wander around the city and see new sights, sit in coffee shops and read, write on bathroom stalls, leave notes in library books, dress up for yourself, give to others who can’t pay you back, smile and have fun.  Do all things with love, but don’t romanticize life like you can’t survive without someone giving it to you every second.  You can.  And once you give it to yourself, you will feel healed, and you will ultimately open yourself up to the possibility of healthy relationships with others."

I love this. "...Don't romanticize life..." I have realized through my recovery and discovery, I struggle with this a lot. In the past I would dive right into a romanticized fantasy of how my marriage should have been. Guess what, I was disappointed every damn time, year after year. I have to be realistic. It has to begin with me. I have to fill myself with love, respect, kindness, support, and adventure! I also have to be realistic about who I am. I am a passionate, caring, and sentimental person. Yes I can have fun, joke, and participate in shenanigans. In fact, that is how my family functions, and I love ever bit of it. In fact, many of my friends function in that manner. I assume I attract that type of person, because of the love I have for my family. I am ok with that. But on the flip side, I also have to recognize, and be proud, that a big part of me is also nurturing, loving, caring, sentimental, believing in the good, and loving with all my heart. Finding a balance of both entities, and finding others that will accept and help me nuture both sides of the coin, that is the path I walk today. Let the journey of practicing that balance continue! Not sure I completely expressed my inner thoughts on this topic, but will pray about it and share more later as it is revealed. There are more layers to discover. I am grateful for today and life is truly amazing!

Iceberg of Pain

“It's easy to look at people and make quick judgments about them, their present and their past, but you'd be amazed at the pain and tears a single smile hides. What a person shows to the world is only one tiny facet of the iceberg hidden from sight. And more often than not, it's lined with cracks and scars that go all the way to the foundation of their soul.”
― Sherrilyn Kenyon

This quote really struck a chord with me today. In the past, I was quick to judge others. It pains me today to admit that, but it is true. I had low self-esteem and zero self-worth, which allowed me, at the time, to justify lashing out at others through judgment. I also have been on the other end of that quick judgment. It hurts, and crushed my soul. The only reason it hurt and crushed my soul, I go back to I had low self-esteem and zero self-worth. I gave others the power to dictate my thoughts and feelings. At the time, I had no idea the power I was giving others. Also I did not realize the damage I was doing in return mirroring that behavior.

“…pain and tears a single smile hides.” I can feel to the bottom of my heart that pain and tears behind the mask I use to hide behind. It finally got to the point; the mask I wore couldn’t conceal the anger, sadness, fear, and frustration I experienced inside.

“What a person shows to the world is only one tiny facet of the iceberg hidden from sight. And more often than not, it’s lined with cracks and scars that go all the way to the foundation of their soul.”  I can remember in 2008, I felt like a gigantic iceberg that hit another iceberg in the middle of nowhere.  A huge part of me crumbled and sank to the bottom of the ocean. I felt like I was drowning from years of trying to live a fantasy life of controlling others, which left many cracks and scars throughout me. Despite the feeling of my world crashing down around me, I know those scars are what make me stronger today. They helped me reach a point that I had to realize I needed to find help and make a change. I didn’t know what that change looked like, but I knew I had to reach deep within myself and build my faith, before I could start to heal and start to live life again. I don’t ever want to forget that pain and hurt of my past. It helps me remember that today I won’t let that pain and hurt run my life. I am taking the power back and connecting with my higher power to help me find the strength and courage to not jump to quick judgment of others. 

 I have made layer after layer of amends over the past few years to myself and others through this journey. Today, I can honestly say I love myself down to the foundation of my heart and soul. I am proud of who I am today. I am not perfect by any means, but I try and share my heart completely with others. Having the freedom to not judge others and replace it with compassion and also, know when I need to detach. To me, that is part of complete freedom. Understanding that when I lean towards judging someone, perhaps I see an old behavior in that person I don’t like about myself. Once I have that awareness, it can give me a chance to take a step back, and then use it as an opportunity to grow. I am beyond grateful for One Day at a Time, so I can continue to walk this journey of discovery, recovery, love, and spirituality. I will be the change.

You Can Do Anything But Not Everything

If I am completely honest with myself, life it truly amazing and I am beyond blessed today!! I continue to try hard to put myself in situations that are outside my comfort zone to help me grow, stretch, and expand myself while using the tools I am learning. I admit there are days I cringe with uncomfortable awkwardness in certain situations or even just the thought of putting myself in a situation. I am just grateful it is progress not perfection. I also try to hand it over to my HP to aid me in doing and saying the right thing.

Over time as I become more aware of my journey and what is going on within my life, I realize I have to work hard to pay attention to what messages my Higher Power has to offer me as I become ready for those messages. There are times when I continue to be bombarded with a specific message. Generally, I interpret that as something I should be really paying attention to OR I have not been paying close enough attention to hear the message, so my HP has to repeat it MULTIPLE times before, I pause, think to myself, "Hey, I keep seeing and hearing this same message.... I should probably pay attention and think about this." That has been me the last few weeks. I keep tossing new tasks and events onto my plate, without subtracting anything. I just keep adding. Typical behavior for me. It is something I have repeated over, and over, and over again for years. The competitive side of me comes out that is eager to "win" and prove those that doubt or criticize are wrong! But also the other side of my competitive side to prove to myself I can do it!! Also I convince myself that I am happiest when I am doing "ALL THE THINGS"!!! Since a little girl, I didn't feel like I was living life to the fullest unless I was cramming as many things, events, and thoughts into one day as I could! I know I inherited this trait from my dear Mother, who does the same thing. We run with this mentality for as long as we can, until we crash and burn. We stand up, whip ourselves off, and do it all over again. With that said, since I have brought more awareness of who I am and what makes me tick, I have tried to find a balance of fitting in all the things that I love to do. To focus on the people, places, and things that bring me pure happiness. To shift my energy on important items, instead of trying to spread myself thin to satisfying all of the people, places, and things around me! Let's just say, although I have the awareness, it is a work in progress, everyday. This cramming everything into every second of my life is second nature to me. In order to break that life time pattern, I have to be AWARE of it all the time. I'll be honest, that is exhausting in it's self!! So I feel it is a double sided sword! ***Big Sigh***

Ok, I feel that I am rambling.

Let me try to re-focus here.  The message that has been popping up in different ways is, "You can do anything, but not everything!" That does a good job of summarizing the different messages that have come across my path the last couple of weeks. I need to remember to breath in my gratitude and faith, while exhaling my fear and doubt of myself.

I worked hard this weekend, to take a few minutes out for myself to just relax. Not stress or focus on the "task list" that is a mile long. But to just exist and sit with myself. That is very difficult for me to sit still and not have my mind race a hundred miles an hour. To allow myself to meditate and pray. There was an hour or so that I accomplished this, the rest of the time was spending quality time with friends, family, and conquering one of the toughest mountain peaks in southern AZ, Picacho Peak!

Here a few photos from our hike:

Cables to help steep trail

View from half way up - Clouds looked like waves

We conquered the Peak!

Steep crevasse on the trail... terrifying part of the trail... also caused traffic jam

Flowers blooming

One of the views from the top

Onto a another tanget... A dear friend, asked me a question the other day that really provoked some thought. The question was if today was my last day on this earth, did I do it right? My initial thought was yes, I have lived a blessed life and I did the best I could with the tools I have. Then, as usual there was a nagging thought, that no I didn't do it right. There are some thoughts that have been unspoken lately in my heart. I would regret not speaking those if it was my last day. I need to ask my questions and inquire to this friend, but I am paralyzed by fear. Terrified of rejection. Same shit different day. There are so many layers, upon layers of these toxic thoughts and behaviors that I practiced for so many years, I say a prayer that my HP will continue to give me courage and the strength to continue walking this journey forward. To help free my heart from these toxic behaviors that don't serve me well anymore.

Tears come to my eyes today, which tells me my heart is open. I am continuing to heal through the friendships and fellowship I work hard to build and nurture. I am sure I am not doing it perfectly, but I am giving my all; heart and soul to those that mean the world to me. I feel at a cross road in a few areas of my life. I have been at this intersection before; however, the view is very different this time around. The signs are different. The air is clearer. The beautiful clouds are puffy, white, and filled with beauty. While the sun shines bright. The invitation to take a leap of faith down any of the paths is there and inviting, I just have to step forward and try one. Where as in the past, this intersection was dark and toxic, with dark and dangerous storms rolling through, making the visibility almost zero. It was a terrifying place to sit. In fact, I usually went back the way I came and avoided that interection for years.  Getting back to today and the different more sunny view of the intersection, I am grateful for my pause, I don't have to choose which road today. I am not quite ready. It is more inviting and I don't feel I need to retreat and turn my back. I am close and want to be willing. I will continue to do the best I can right now, with my willingness and connection with my HP, I will find the courage and strength to make a decision.

I know I have been vague in my share. But there are so many examples, I don't even know where to begin. Here are a few of the vehicles that sit at this intersection... relationships, business adventures, education, my life style, my home... to name a few. The beauty of this journey, I have been able to put aside much of the garbage I insisted on focusing on, so today I have time to focus on the productive and REAL growth. However, it is terrifying, but I know will be rewarding beyond my imagination.

I will pray for focus. "I can do anything, but not everything"

Miracles of Willingness, Determination, & Hope

I have shared a little that I have been on a journey to become healthier, physically. This week I reached a new goal!

I don’t know about you all, but I have always struggled with my self-image. I never really saw the real “me” in the mirror. The view of myself was a twisted distorted image that my mind created, and it hasn't always been pretty or kind. I woke up this past week with a smile and when I looked in the mirror, I saw a real new me. It brings tears to my eyes as I type this… For years I allowed others to beat me down, which in turn I beat myself down every chance I could get. I had low self-esteem and was a chameleon to whoever I was with. It is a struggle to break that type of pattern, to break free to be my own person. If you have been following my blog, you know my general story, so I won’t go into all that. However, I am living proof that with just a little willingness, determination, and hope, I can reach new places and ways of living that I never thought imaginable.

I am beyond proud of the hard work I have put into rebuilding my character, my spirit, and my body!!

It has been a long road; I had to first start with my character and spirit, which has been a 6 year journey. (And I am not done yet; I still have some work to do... It's the journey not a destination!) Once I started healing the inside, then I could start working on the outside, which I have also been working on about that same time frame, but really buckled down the last 5 months.

I weighted and measured this last week as I wrapped up my second 30 day challenge with Isagenix and working out with my local Iron Girlz gym! My amazing results… **drum roll** I am down an additional 11.2 lbs and 8 inches!!! I am PUMPED!!!  My goal was to lose 10 lbs and 10 inches in my second challenge. I would have to say that is pretty damn close to my goal and I am proud of my achievement.

So the overall count since I really buckled down and started this journey in September 2014, I am down a total of 28.2 lbs and 36.75 inches. I could not have accomplished this by myself, I have an amazing support group of friends and family that I am forever grateful too!


**If you are interested in more information about Isagenix and/or Iron Girlz and what each has done for me, message me and I can share more with you. Thank you!

Keep It Simple

"The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak." ~Hans Hofmann

Journey of Discovery & Recovery....

I had an amazing weekend! It was filled with self-care, laughter, quality time with friends and family, hiking a new trail, warm sunny spring weather, chores crossed off the list, and some delicious food!

Hiked a trail at the base of Picacho Peak

Not only was my weekend filled with wonderful events with friends and family that make my heart smile, but I came to some big realizations in my healing process. This week I came to a new layer of healing and letting go, that I didn't even realize would exist. Over the last 6 or 7 months after making my decision to get a divorce, I have been working to live life to the fullest. I also have been working little by little to heal my heart, my spirit, my soul, my confidence, and my outlook on life. I am blessed to have amazing people in my life to help me walk this journey of discovery and recovery. Having the awareness of myself and the world around me is an extremely powerful tool to continue to heal the layers of my pain and hurt that I subjected myself to for years.

This week I discovered that what little love I had left for H, is no longer. The lingering love was tied to a little guilt and doubt that I maybe gave up on our relationship. I know without a doubt I tried everything I had control over to make that relationship work. I took my time and did not make any hasty decisions. I worked to heal myself and re-build my character so I could be a better person for that marriage, and for myself. However, H was not in the same place to reach for that healing within himself and to get help to better himself. A dear friend of mine always shares with me that she knows I will always love him and have a special place in my heart from him. I thought that to be true, until recently. I have come to a point that I can completely let H go, including my broken lingering love for him. Now don't get me wrong, I will always care for his well being and pray he finds happiness and peace within himself. This recent discover might seem cold and uncaring, but honestly it was another weight off of my heart to hand that broken love over my Higher Power to take and do what needs to be done with it, for I no longer am in need of it. I find it peaceful and freeing to let another piece of my past go. I see it as one more piece of the puzzle coming together to build a more clear picture of who I am today. I find that simply amazing! 

Another piece of my recovery I have struggled with is I try to hard with my relationships. When I look at my past, I did everything I could to fit into everyone else's life. Then the resentments would pile up at my doorstep because I was making all the effort, however, on the flip side many of these people were not a part of MY LIFE! But did I really know what my life consisted of at that time? Not really. Anyhow, I know now, that I did that to myself. I built a situation where I tried to maintain relationships with people that were one sided, and had either no interest in being a part of what was important to me or incapable of being a part of my life. Today being just me, doing my own footwork and striving for that happiness within myself, is a daily workout for me. I have many friends that I care about and want to be a part of their lives. If it is meant to be, I will do my part, but then let it go from there and let the other person do their part and effort. Not sure if that all makes sense, but I suppose the reading today in Courage to Change really sparked this struggle in my heart today. Something I will continue to pray about and work on.

"It is unrealistic to expect everyone to like me. With such an expectation; I set myself up to fail and give myself an excuse to blame that failure on others. I can't change other people, but I can change my own attitudes. I can let go of my rules about how others should feel about me. When I am disappointed in another's response, I can make an extra effort to be kind, warm, and loving to myself. I am lovable just the way I am."

I also feel this struggle of mine ties into being able to communicate my needs. What are my needs? "I want" versus "I need"... Perhaps I need to try starting out my conversation, "I would like..."  I will have to work on this. More will be revealed.

Self talk

I am currently taking a communication class for a few weeks. It's about communicating with compassion and nonviolence. I have read the preface and the first page of chapter one... And already blown away by this author's words. Thought provoking and hitting home. 

"I became aware that by ignoring my own needs for such a long time I was inflicting violence upon myself, and I intended to deflect that violence toward others." Thomas D'Ansembourg from Being Genuine

I look forward to this continued journey of self improvement and learning how to find a way to communicate nonviolently with myself and others.  I do have needs. But I need to figure out what those needs are, and then I can communicate those needs to others. Next be able to compromise with others for a mutual acceptance that works for all parties.