The Beast Within

I can remember sensing and seeing the Beast crawling underneath his skin, trying desperately to rear its ugly head. Although the Beast within was a part of him, I was not able to separate the man from the Beast. I had lost all compassion for both. I can remember the efforts I made, the energy spent in attempt to wrangle that monster and prevent it from coming to the surface. I would drown in a sea of overwhelmed emotions in an attempt to manipulate the situation, choking with anger and fear while having the false impression I knew the best choice to make in each situation. All of this in an attempt to avoid the paralyzing fear that came when the Beast rose to the surface. Alcoholism is the ugly Beast slowing taking over the man within.

The Beast still rumbles under the surface, craving and itching to rise to bring down the man it lives within, the world, and the people around it to satisfy its shame, guilt and grief. Although the Beast still has an active presence, the frequencies of the visits have lessened. I contribute some of the decline partially to my new choices to take back the power over my feelings and reactions I use to so easily hand over to the Beast. Also just as powerful in keeping the Beast at bay, are the choices that the man has made to keep the Beast in check. It is said that the disease of alcoholism cannot be cured but it can be harassed and put in check to live a fulfilled life. I truly believe that, partly because I have personally known friends that have many years of recovery and sobriety. Another perspective are the ones that have not found help or have not made the choice to connect with their HP to find a way to live a fulfilled life while living with the disease of alcoholism. Or another perspective, which is my reality, when the man struggles and works hard to make better choices to live a better life while still having the inner struggle with the Beast, without help and fighting the war alone. That Beast is always going to be there, temping and rippling under the surface, but it can be tamed and put to bed, if the man is willing to reach out for help.

I find it fascinating when the Beast does explode from the surface I personally react differently then I have in the past. Also, I realized that perhaps I do not even realize or acknowledge when the Beast arrives and tries to take down the world around me. Again, I am not giving the Beast power over me. In the past I can remember it would instantly trigger defensive behavior and an energy that was completely devoted to wrangling the Beast back to its den. My thoughts, feelings, and energy would be completely dedicated to that effort for days; simply exhausting and always proved ineffective. The manipulation through my words and actions, mixed with fear and pain as a result of the choices the Beast would make during those visits. The illusion of control and denial state I lived in that I could of actually wrangled the Beast, looking back that was absolutely absurd and part of what made me insane.

When I finally learned that I needed to wrangle my own fear and anger, this realization helped me become aware of my own actions and choices. It was life changing to come to realization that I needed to focus on myself instead of the Beast or the man. After finding this awareness, I slowly learned that I was allowing the Beast to run my life. Not only did my realization help me be aware of what made me who I am, but also a new found compassion for the Beast that allowed me to learn to love the man that was closely connected but separate from the monster. Although I still take precautions to protect myself from the Beast, who as I said ripples below the surface today, I work hard to no longer let it hurt or paralyze me with fear. That is a choice I make.