Wrinkling the Soul

Last weekend my family and I spent the day at the Out of Africa park. I had enjoyed the park so much a few months ago, I talked my family into going for the day. This time, I wanted to stay to watch the shows and participate in the afternoon "feed". They feed the predator animals three times a week at 3pm. The animals know the sound of the trailer full of meat coming up the hill, they were all very active in anticipation. We left early in the morning so we could be on the first tour bus through the safari. It was a success as all the animals were active and I think my family enjoyed it! Out of Africa is a privately owned park. It was really great to watch the employees and the owners of the park interact with the animals, you could see the compassion and love these people had for the animals. None of the animals are trained, it is simply the relationships they have created with these animals. I really enjoyed the experience that day. I have some photos to share below.

The only bummer of the day was H wasn't able to join us as he had planned. He ended up being very sick and stayed home in bed. We had this day planned for months and I couldn't help but feel disappointed. Logically I understood that he was throwing up sick and needed to stay home in bed to rest. Also he didn't need to share whatever he had with the rest of the family. I'll be honest though the deep scars of years of disappointment tried to come to surface and ruin my day. Last weekend was a legit reason to miss the day trip; however, in the past if H felt that he was being forced to go somewhere he didn't want to go, he would refuse to go. Something I have to work on everyday is that I have to let go that H will not participate in most of the adventures I love to do. The years of getting excited that he might join the fun and my attempt to manipulate the situation to ensure he couldn't back out of saying yes. My hopes and excitement would be shattered just about every time. Because I was deep in my own disease of perception, I allowed myself to be crushed and allowed my trip to be ruined. Last weekend I shed a few tears after I left home, but it wasn't for that day, it was past disappointments that still want to haunt me and drag me down. The feeling of disappointment was so familiar to me for so many years, when it manages to sneak up on  me it's extremely powerful. Disappointment can take it's claws and grasp deep within my soul to drag me back to where I was in the past. The tools I have available to me today, allowed me to shed my tears and grieve for those scars I have of past disappointments. I'm grateful I could allow myself to feel those feelings, because I use to stuff those feelings deep into my being in false attempt to be "strong". Because I gave myself a moment to feel those feelings, I was then able to let it go and focus on the moments in front of me. I thoroughly enjoyed the day.

From Courage to Change page 258.

Today's Reminder: It is risky to care - I may be disappointed. But in trying to protect myself from pain, I could cut myself off from the many delights that life has to offer. I will live more fully today.

"Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul." Samuel Ullman

Pilgrim still giving out sloppy kisses!

Mr. Lemar striking a pose!

Chalet (Bengal tiger (White)) and Kumba (Lioness) are best friends.

Tiger Splash - Demonstrating Tigers natural instincts to hunt for pray

Watching for the feed truck

Got Mud?

Thanksgiving went well with the families. Good food and wonderful company. Everyone seemed to be their self and no masks were required at this get together. It was a nice change to see and feel everyone accept each other for who they are while enjoying each others company. It continues to fill me with hope as I watch both of my families grow. Or perhaps it is just me learning how to enjoy the moment and not try to control  my family with the expectations I had set out for that day. Looking back that is pretty much how every holiday/family get together was handled by me. So perhaps I should re-phrase that, it fills me with hope, serenity, and joy to see how much I've grown over the last few years. Truly a blessing. Another blessing of the day was giving my nieces lots of hugs. My youngest niece was dragging around the blanket I made her when she was born. She is a bit like Linus on the Peanut's show. It simply warmed my heart.

I haven't had a chance to update you on the 5K Mud run I did last weekend! As I type it still brings a smile to my face. I had a BLAST! I giggled and laughed through the entire course. My team of ladies held true to their rambunctiousness and fun! Every chance we had we were getting dirty, running, dancing, and assisted others in the race that forgot it was a DIRTY girl race. I was thankful to have the opportunity to run in honor of a friend of a friend of a friend that passed away from breast cancer. We knew she was there with us in spirit. Here are some photos to share with you. I'm in the blue capris with pigtails.

 

Before

and after

1st obstacle - I'm laughing my butt off in every photo!

First chance to get dirty!

Yesterday and today I'm supporting H in hanging out with his friends. I'm grateful today that I can apply detachment with love. I am willing to support the people and what has become important to H. The only way I'm able to accomplish this without my horrible character defects rearing their ugly head is by setting boundaries and minding my own business. What boundaries am I setting? I'm driving separately so I can come and go as I need to, to keep my sanity. I can simply be me and gracefully walk away if I'm not comfortable with someone or a conversation. A huge accomplishment is going to the event with no expectations. Today I chose not to live in the wreckage of the future or the muck of the past and instead live in the moment and see the beauty in others. Today I can share a little piece of my recovery and peace by laughing and practicing my program. I accept the responsibility for my own happiness. I'm grateful to be connected with humanity again.

Turkey in the Oven & Silver Polished

Happy Thanksgiving!

I'm grateful that H & I were able to host dinner for both of our families today. The Turkey is in the oven as I type. I started it a bit early, so H's cooking skill will hopefully save the turkey for our early dinner in a few hours. I have faith, it will be delicious! I did all my baking last night. As always I used my grandma's homemade crust recipe for all the pies and the pie cookies. I'm excited to try the apple pie filling my sister and I canned a few months ago. I got a little fancy with the crust, you can see below. And of course, my signature pumpkin pie! I made a couple extra to share with others. I have all the fancy pretty dishes out ready for the sides to show up with family. We do a potluck style dinner. I even polished the fancy silver! H & I have been busy bees cleaning up the house and yards this morning. Years ago when we would host all type of parties at our house, we would work together to clean up everything. However, in the past there was tension and anger lingering in the air because there was resentment that the other was not doing the activity correctly or the way the other would prefer it be done. All sorts of nonsense that we wasted our energy on. Today was better. Not perfect, but an improvement. I am thankful I strive for progress and not perfection on this beautiful day! I am making the choice to enjoy the gorgeous weather, sound of the water fall in the backyard, variety of music as H clicks through the radio, watching the hummingbirds zoom back and forth, watching the pups lounge lazily until family arrives, and take a deep breath of the scrumptious smell of the turkey cooking. I'm looking forward to having our entire family together at one time. It's been too long. I'm looking forward to giving a big hug to both of my little nieces. As the reading for today shares in Courage to Change, I had lost my spirit trying to conquer the disease of alcoholism. I'm grateful that my spiritual recovery has helped me regain my spirit and provided me with the opportunity to choose to enjoy the moment or continue to worry and allow my fear to ruin the moment.

Today's Reminder

I am a spiritual creature, capable of faith, hope, and an appreciation of beauty. I have an unlimited source of strength and comfort at my disposal. today I will take the time to cultivate that spiritual connection.

Used my stone pie dish

Famous family pie cookies! Yum... hope I don't eat them all before everyone gets here ;0)

Trust

It's been a long week! The late nights and early mornings caught up with me today. I didn't feel a 100% this morning. Despite that I did make it through the day! I'm really enjoying my new job and getting back into recruiting. I just finished my third month and I'm loving my team! They are great to work with and I'm learning something new everyday. 

Trust has been the theme this week. My schedule was crammed to the brim and spilling over this week, I wasn't sure how I was going to accomplish everything. I was reminded to let go and let god several times and as usual everything worked out. I will never understand why I feel I have to go from one extreme to another to hopefully find balance somewhere in the middle. Sort of like a swinging pendulum, that's how I seem to I live my life some days. For instance after the accident I had to eliminate some of my usual routine and now that I'm feeling better I'm falling back into old habits of trying to do it all! Geez, you'd think I would learn one of these day. I just have to remember to be gentle with myself, remember to take a deep breath and breath, and most importantly keep the connection with the HP, of my understanding.

I am excited about tomorrow! It will be a "Delightfully Dirty Day" with the ladies! I'm participating in a 5K mud run with obstacles in support of raising money for Breast Cancer research. I picked up some obnoxious compression pants today that should stick out and be fun! Although, there are a few gals on my team that apparently have bright pink compression pants. I don't know all of the gals on my team, but they are a rambunctious and fun group. It should be good times.

Then I have an art show after that to display the tote bags I make along with my cute beach towel checkerboard game. We shall see how it goes. And no, I won't be going covered in mud, I will clean up before I go!

I'm borrowing a friend's Hope for Today book and can relate to the quote for the day, "The more I feel my smallness and powerlessness, the more I grow in spirituality." When I realize and experience the growth of my recovery, it truly is when I have the connection and trust in my HP and myself that I'm exactly where I need to be at this moment. It is important for me to incorporate both prayer and meditation into my life. Prayer is like asking or talking to my HP; however, in my opinion the important piece of that equation is the meditation, which is learning to listen. Opening my heart and mind to my HP's will instead of mine. When I can accomplish this trust, I find myself at peace. I've also learned that it is ok to trust others, but I have to trust with healthy boundaries. As Hope for Today says, "... the three Steps are my stepping-stones to surrender, sanity, and eventual serenity." I strive for that surrender, sanity, and serenity everyday!

One Day at a Time

I've been working to make the time first thing in them morning to do my daily reading. The quote from Courage to Change did a good job summing up and helping me re-focus before I start the day.

"Today is only a small manageable segment of time in which our difficulties need not overwhelm us. This lifts from our hearts and minds the heavy weight of both past and future." One Day at a Time in Al-Anon

May your heart and mind be open and light today.

Gratefulness spilling over in November!

Today I can say that I truly feel grateful everyday that I wake up. Doesn't mean I'm always in a good mood or necessarily happy and bubbly! But, I do have a sense of gratefulness for the simple things, such as being able to see, breath, walk, etc. Also for being open to seeing the beauty around me, even if the midst of chaos is thick in motion right in front of me. I'm grateful for that peaceful awareness I've learned to take advantage of. I realize this month a lot of folks do a lot of grateful posts, but for me I think it is a good reminder for myself to note what I am grateful for each day.

I'm grateful for the courage I have found to have difficult conversations with H. Let me re-phrase; topics or situations that I make into difficult conversations. It's just difficult topics that in the past have caused the world to end in our home and would fester like an open wound for days or weeks. I still can feel and sense those scars from the past, I tend to cringe when I know there is a topic I need to discuss with H. In fact, if it's about money I tend to crumble at the thought of having that discussion. Sometimes it takes me a few days to muster up the courage, but I am learning how to approach and present the topic in a none threatening way and to the point. I can be a little long winded and I want to provide all the facts and back history, before I get to the point. That drives H crazy. I know this. I think I've always been this way, but it also morphed into a survival skill for me when battling with the disease for years. I had to make my case to ensure he understood where I was coming from! Also to try to manipulate the situation to suit my motives! I'll admit, I still do all my research and prepare for the conversation. However, having that knowledge helps me find the  courage to be prepared the best I can for any direction the conversation might go. Although, today I can keep it simple and speak from the heart with honesty. I can express my concerns and verbally share that I know this might be a risky to share or might upset him. Or even, say I realize this is to much information but this is why I feel it's important to share. Just simply verbalizing where I'm coming from has made such a huge impact!! I still can beat the topic to death... but my HP at work and hidden miracle is H will express his frustration we are talking in circles, especially after we already made a decision of action. That old defect of character in me that has to ensure he sees where I'm coming from, even though he already accepted the situation and moved on. I'm also learning to listen when he starts to express that frustration, I realize I'm in my own disease and need to stop.

Experiencing the miracles around me! 

Surrender

A dear friend shared this today and it really spoke volumes to me where I'm at today. The beauty of the serenity prayer woven through the message. Along with the peacefulness that comes with surrendering. Let go and let god. I am responsibility for my own happiness.

Just Another Tuesday

I'm back! I've really missed you all! I'd like to say that life is settling down, but that wouldn't be truthful. However, I do miss writing and I've had the burning desire to start putting the thoughts in my head into print again. So here it goes! Where in the world do I start?

The past few months have almost been a complete blur. It's been a bit of up and down, but when is life not like that? I believe I've allowed my ups and downs to be a bit more steep than I normally would allow. The major contributor to that? S.T.R.E.S.S. Yup, I realized a few days ago, after a slight melt down that I have not been addressing my stress level appropriately. When it gets to that level it brings me to my knees. The last few days I've made an effort to take better care of myself and not allow the stress to dominate me.

I'd like to share some of my moments the last few months:

* I'm on the mend from the accident and slowly getting back into my workouts, this week. I'm completely starting from scratch again, but that's ok. Today is a clean slate.
* I completed going through all the steps for the first time with my sponsor. It truly is a blessing to go through my recovery as my HP intends me too. On a recent trip with some girlfriends, I had some amazing opportunities to really live step 12. I didn't realize it until I was back home sharing my weekend with my sponsor how much step 12 was woven into my weekend.
* The best part of my journey through these steps, in the last several weeks the word surrender has been crossing my path. I honestly haven't really studied this word and how it could apply to me. So I've felt this desire to explore it more, which happens to turn out Step 1, 2, and 3 really fall into the concept of surrendering. My HP works in amazing ways and I'm looking forward to working the steps through again to delve deeper into the layers of who I am. The journey continues.
* Anyone going to the International Al-Anon Convention next year in Vancouver?
* I did vote today!
* My Dad and Mom have always been an inspiration to me. Recently my Mom participated in a challenge at her work that if their team raised a specific amount of money for Breast Cancer, she would shave her head. Well, her team raised the crazy high amount of money and several people at work shaved their heads. I love the confidence my Mom has to do something like that in something she believes in! She inspired a lot of people.
* I've been trying to spend as much time outside as I can, the weather is gorgeous! I have been keeping those on the East coast in my prayers with the horrible weather and storms. Especially since it sounds like more are on the horizon! Stay safe my friends! I will pray for sunshine for you. I've been able to get some beautiful photos lately. I'll share some below.
* I'm asking for your help. I want to ask you for your feedback or ideas. If you were invited to attend a journal workshop - what would that mean to you? What do you envision or would be interested in doing at this workshop? Just whatever first comes to mind!
* Work is going well. I am so grateful for being in a better environment. Most importantly I love the people I work with! We have built a strong team. Each day is truly a challenge as things are constantly changing. However, I'm grateful my position really keeps me on my toes and forces me to trouble shoot every situation. Flexibility and hard work is the key.
* That is all I have for now as I need to hit the hay, as I'm getting up early to head back to Bootcamp!
* Please enjoy some photos from a recent hike and a relaxing Ladies weekend trip to Mexico on the beach!

Quiet Airways...

Life is just zooming by over here! I've had a lot to share with you but zero energy to write and also needing to keep my sharing to a minimum for now. I'm accepting there are a few things that I normally do on a daily basis that I just have to set to the side for a little while. I'll pick them up again, but have to take care of myself first. I'm hoping to get settled back into a routine soon and then I'll be back full time! I am hoping to have sometime soon to also visit all your blogs. Wishing you a serene day today. Life is crazy busy but good! **wink**

Earlier yesterday morning we could see the missile they probably launched from White Sands, New Mexico. They do that about every year about this time of year. Always makes for a beautiful photo. Thanks to my Mom for sharing the photos.

I also work on another blog to help out the gal that owns the Bootcamp I go too. Check out my post today!

Storms Rolling Through

I'll have to be brief as I only have a few minutes to share. Our skies continue to be breath taking and I wanted to share with you the last few days of storms that have crossed our skies.

I'm sort of at a loss for words today, so I'd like to close with something I received from a friend today. From Day by Day by Hazelden Foundation.

Living new lives
If we thank our Higher Power each day for the problems in our lives, we will find that we can live and cope with them. And if it is our Higher Power's will, our problems will be transformed in ways we cannot comprehend. We don't fully understand our lives.
If we become willing to let our Higher Power handle each situation in its way, we will see that we are living ourselves into new ways of being. We will experience a freedom and joy that we could not have understood in our old ways of thinking and being.
We cannot think ourselves into a better life; we must live each day into better thinking.
Am I living myself into a new life?
Higher Power, I am grateful for the problems in my life; they help me change myself into a new being.