Healing

I didn't sleep well yesterday and I woke up today with a huge knot in my right shoulder for the second day. Ugh. Yesterday I went to the Chiropractor for an adjustment, since I haven't made it over there in about a month, which helped. Then last night I tried a Reiki healing session. Which was good, but I still woke up again today with this painful knot in my shoulder. The gal last night made a comment she could feel I was carrying the world around on my shoulders! As soon as she said it, I had a flash back to so many years of holding the burdens of everyone around me on my shoulders. Despite being in a really good place lately, something has sneaked up on me and apparently it isn't letting go or I'm not letting it go!

I've been trying to be gentle with myself and not let the stress, anxiety, and worry of why I have this horrible knot/pain! I took the next couple of days off to try to relax and find my center again. I recently received a copy of the November 2011 Forum. Which is a monthly newsletter that Al-Anon publishes. It has wonderful stories from members around the world. One of the stories titled One Moment Changed my Program Forever, really made me think about if I'm converting back to one of my own defects of complicating my own life? The article describes something this member heard many years ago and it has really stayed with her. She heard, "I complicate my own life." I can relate to that saying, I was a pro at sabotaging my feelings, thoughts, and actions.

I also can relate to hearing someone's sharing that has made a huge impact on my recovery. One of the first things I heard was "don't push the river", this was huge for me! I've had dreams (or nightmare?) of me standing in the middle of a river facing up stream trying to divert the flow of the water. That is ridiculous, right?! For years my mind logically knew this would not work, but I still practiced the concept in all my affairs trying to control and manipulate different people, places, and things so I didn't have to address what I was really feeling or worried about. Of course back then, I didn't realize I was avoiding what was really going on.

So I've been trying to sit and meditate what is going on right now that might of triggered some of these old character defects I thought I had under control? Since I have been enjoying each day and things around me, am I trying to sabotage these good moments and feelings? So I came across another article in the Forum on Step Eleven. I haven't "officially" done this step yet, but can relate to it today and take a moment to really apply it. Step Eleven is "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out." It just reminds me to continue working on being in the moment and strengthening my connection with my Higher Power as I understand it. The article has a good suggestion of while I'm in the moment, whether I'm in a conversation, reading a book, driving, or just sitting to be aware of my five senses. Keeping my mind and concentration on the task at hand. Saying the serenity prayer really helps me not only step back from a situation and/or feeling, but helps me connect and use my five senses. As I work through each of these moments (and knots), it's all part of my healing. My journey. My beautiful recovery to living a more serene life. The article words is perfectly, "... the joy in my smile and laughter, and the sureness in my footsteps. This is the way I will live the rest of my life." I strive for this everyday. I'm not always successful, but that's ok, most of the time I am.

Thank you for this day, let me be willing.

Hiking & Snow

A storm blew through the state on Friday night leaving behind lots of rain at home and snow in the Northern part of the state. So a good friend, my mom and I took advantage of the beautiful crisp cool morning Saturday to hike. The view from the top of the ridge line was breath taking.

After hiking, my husband and I drove up to the northeast part of the state for the night. The drive up the east part of the state was beautiful! I'll let the photos speak for themselves.

 

 

 

 

It was a fun and spontaneous weekend! It is possible for me to be spontaneous! I simply went along for the ride and enjoyed every moment of the beautiful scenery and the company of my husband. It was fun to laugh and be goofy together. It's been a long time since we've been able to do that.

"It takes time to transform good resolutions into good habits, but it's worth the effort." One Day at a Time page 316.

Different Perspective Today

I tend to read the daily reading out of the Courage to Change book, but occasionally I'm drawn to the One Day at a Time daily reading. Today was a good one as I remember reading this one in the past and being in a very different place. The reading on page 309;

" An Al-Anon member once remarked that the main source of our unhappiness is that we ourselves don't know what we want. We think we're dissatisfied with what we have, with the way we live, and the way other people act towards us. He suggested that each person dig down deep to see what we really feel would bring us contentment.
If this self-searching reveals only that we are disgruntled because we feel we deserve a better car, a bigger house or more money, we must dig still deeper for the real cause. Is it envy of others? Is it our inability to enjoy fully what we do have? do we, in defense of our own shortcomings, look for excuses to blame others?

Today's Reminder:
I can find serenity only by rooting out my discontent. I must acknowledge to myself the real reasons why I react as I do. Am I doing my share? If not, my dissatisfaction may be due to unrecognized guilt. Is it difficult for me to feel and express appreciation? I will try to develop a sense of gratitude. Do I expect others to behave according to my expectations? I will live and let live.

'It really adds up to this: that we're not satisfied with ourselves, and we can certainly do something about that.'"

I love these books! They never get old or out dated, because I'm always evolving and can see the same words over and over again but they have such a different meaning each time. A year ago when I read this passage, I was very angry and extremely disgruntled with my feelings. I felt like I was getting the short end of the stick in my relationship. I told myself I deserved better. I was getting better at taking responsibility for my actions and thoughts, but I still held tightly to bits and pieces of that blame. It was unsettling, and looking back I was still not satisfied with who I was. The discomfort was to much and I blamed my discontent outwardly. Although it's a tough and bumpy journey, I'm grateful for every step.

I read this passage today and find such peace in the words. Today I've developed that sense of gratitude and the ability to be content with the wonderful things I have today. It's a good day to feel that serenity and peace, because I chose to take action and be satisfied with who I am. Could things be better, of course they could!! Do I still get caught up in wanting to control my surroundings and get buried in expectations? Yup, I'm still working on those shortcomings, but they are manageable today and I won't let them dictate my day. This positive change has to start with me and finding that inner peace before anything around me can change. It's taken a lot of digging, soul searching, courage and crying to sift through my shortcomings and realize what needed tiding up on my side of the street. I could not have achieved this serenity without the support of my amazing sponsor, my dear friends both in program and not in program, and most importantly my family. It's such a relief to get to that point of acceptance. I've taken a mental snap shot of this amazing moment and never want to forget it!

Grateful

I took one of my comp days today. It was a good day, I sleep in to an usually late hour, accomplished a few things around the house and then took a nap before heading off to my meeting tonight. It was a VERY relaxing day and grateful that I was able to take it easy. There were several times I was ready to take off and run some errands or take care of some shopping, when I quickly decided that it was best to just stay home and rest. Being a "busy body" this was a huge accomplishment for me to just take it easy, spend time in my garden and rest.

Driving to my meeting I was thinking that I am so grateful and appreciative for life and the beautiful things in my life but more importantly the ordinary things that occur in my everyday life. I'm proud of my progress and find recovery a beautiful journey. Allowing myself the choice to not worry about the world and maintain my little piece of this universe the best I can. By doing my part and taking responsible for me, has a HUGE positive impact on all of my relationships.

It was a wonderful meeting tonight. The topic was on one of the readings in the ODAT book on attitudes. We can take a closer look at how we treat our families, are we glum and critical at home?  Then are our attitudes cheerful and happy when we interact with those outside of home? I know I was guilty of this "mask" transformation when I was outside the home. I was a black belt in displaying the "happy" mask outside of my home in front of friends, family, and co-workers. It fooled many, but was only killing me silently inside. I have found through trial and error, that when I am kind, gentle, and loving to myself, that trickles into my relationships around me. Particularly with my husband. I'm grateful I finally realized I did not want to be an angry and negative person at home anymore. I have tools today to help me respect that I can still have these angry and negative feelings but can take the power back of how I react to those feelings. I don't have to be a puppet and react to each and every emotion that others around me have. So even though the negativity can still be present in my home with an active drinker, I don't have to engage or participate in it. I can have love and compassion while detaching from that negativity. When these feelings start to creep into my day, I have been trying to redirect my focus to the ordinary moments and things around me. I've also been making a list of those wonderful ordinary moments! It's so powerful and refreshing to enjoy the little things today that I use to miss because I was blinded by worry, fear, anger, and resentment. Before I came to Al-Anon I was dieing slowly inside, but today my spirit has been revived and I can appreciate life and all of it's beautiful ordinary moments.

What are you grateful for today?

Mind Racing

To this day I can still get caught up in the moment of my mind racing out of control with worry, fear, and anxiety over a situation or something someone said, usually something that is completely out of my control. Those moments of the run away horse is getting fewer and father apart, which is nice. I can respect that I'm having these thoughts and feels but more importantly recognize that they are important. Rein them in, close my eyes, take a deep breath to help take a moment to collect my thoughts. Then open my eyes and heart to take it all in and ask myself "how important is this?" What really is going on, is it really what happen or what that person said or did it trigger something else? It really is amazing how powerful replacing the obsessive thinking or worrying with something positive, such as the serenity prayer or a fond memory of a happy moment (As Brene Brown shared in her talk, her daughter would take a mental snap shot of a happy moment to save for later if she was sad. My mental snap shot is sitting on the beach in Hawaii watching the sunset). That positive mind shift can have such a positive impact on my current outlook and help put my situation in perspective to better manage my reaction! It's a true blessing to be able to rein in that feeling of losing control of my thoughts and physically making myself ill with obsessive thinking. 

Courage to Change page 306 shares:

"Today's Reminder: Sometimes I have to let go of a problem before I can find a solution. My racing thoughts may be making so much noise that I can't hear the guidance my inner voice is offering. Quieting the noise is a skill I can learn with practice. At first I may have to still my thoughts again and again, but in Al-Anon I learn that practice makes progress, one minute, one thought at a time.

'All men's miseries derive from not being able to sit quiet in a room alone.' Blaise Pascal"

Home Sweet Home

It was a wonderful trip to San Francisco. Over a week long business trip. The conference my team put on was a success! Great opportunities for our members from all over the world to network. Our team had everything running smoothly from the registration, random requests to getting the different rooms set up each day for the different workshops. All went extremely well. There were a few bumps in the road but everyone handled them like a pro and with ease. There never was a moment when anyone from our team stopped and said that this is not my job. Each of us jump in without hesitation to get things done whenever something arises. Although most of my time was working, I did get to play and have some personal down time. This was a huge improvement over our conference last year. Last October we worked 12 plus hours straight each day. I was ill spiritually, emotionally, and physically last year within a few days and it took several weeks to recover. This year, no one got sick.

We had several amazing speaker at the conference. We try to bring in speakers that are outside of our business community but still have a message that can tie into what our organization is trying to accomplish. We nailed it on the head this year with Brene Brown and Dan Ariely.

I’m very grateful our staff was able to sit and experience Brene Brown’s talk. It was a very inspirational night as Brene started out sitting with our staff and chatted before she went on stand. She has an amazing and inspirational message that ties the power of vulnerability into every aspect of our lives. Describing in a heart felt way of how to recognize the obstacles in our life that get in the way of our happiness. Previous to our non-profit contracting her for our conference, I had not heard of Brene. In fact I came across her blog after we were researching her and loved her research and message! In fact, I also liked her blog badges! I'm trying to figure out how to add her badge to my blog, if anybody has any tips on how to do that, I would greatly appreciate any tips. I feel closely connected with the message she is sharing with the world, as I feel on a smaller scale I'm also trying to share my experiences of a better way to live. I love her Authenticity is a daily practice definition. I look forward to being a part of this movement in my own life. I had the opportunity to pick up her her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, the night she spoke and asked her to sign it. She is a very down-to-earth, genuine, compassionate woman I'm grateful to have met and hear her message in person. I'm looking forward to reading her book. The tools to live a better life that I am learning in Al-Anon were woven throughout her message.

Our second speaker, I was working outside of the room while he was speaking and missed most of his message. But he seemed to really connect with our attendees.

Some of my personal time adventures included; several trips down to Fisherman's Wharf for delicious clam chowder in the Boudin bread bowls, people watching, laughing along with the street entertainers, delicious Ghirardelli ice cream and chocolate, admiring Alcatraz from Pier 39 since I've taken the tour during the day and night in the past, stopping briefly to visit the seals as they are not the best smelling animals, stopping to say hi to all the dogs we passed (Turbo was my favorite!), supporting the sidewalk artist that had a phenomenal talent of sketching our portraits, and of course hopping on the cable cars when we were tired of hiking the hills.

Disclaimer: I'm by no means a foodie critic writer but I do love to eat food! The food is always one of my favorite adventures on a business trip! My co-workers are great traveling buddies as we all like to share, so all week we would order a variety so each of us could sample it all! I use to be very predictable and stuck in a rut by ordering what I know I liked. It use to be comfortable to play it safe. As I'm learning and applying new tools to push myself to go outside of my comfort zone in many ways, I am very proud of myself for expanding outside my comfort zone all week when it came to trying new foods! One of the first evenings we went to Hana Zen, a sushi place. I have a tough time with texture so I don't do sushi but love the rolls! My co-workers love sushi and shared their sushi which melted in my mouth! I was shocked at how delicious it was! Very proud of myself. As I've mentioned, I ended up at Boudin cafe several times as I couldn't get enough of the clam chowder. Boudin also has amazing creative grilled cheese combination! My new favorite is the apple, brie, & fig jam grilled cheese!

A contact in the hotel we were staying recommended and made a reservation for The Slanted Door in the Ferry Building. Of course, we ordered a variety and shared, it was very good! Another dinner we went to Sinbad"s, which sort of happen by chance as we were wandering around trying to find something to eat. It was another seafood dinner success! One of the final restaurants was R&G Lounge recommended by a local cop we ran into. They have a great website. Amazing Chinese food in Chinatown. We had the Steak Cubes with veggies, scallops, and macadamia nuts. I really enjoyed the Prawns with sauce and pecans. YUM! Everyone is so friendly in San Francisco! We were looking for a recommendation from someone local when we sparked a conversation with a Officer down on the pier who recommended R&G Lounge. Great local restaurant!

I'm looking forward to getting back to a regular schedule of Bootcamp, as I'm sure I've gained a few pounds after all that delicious food. It was worth every bite!

It was truly a wonderful week and grateful for the amazing ordinary moments that happen through out the week. Grateful for all of it. It is good to be home to see my Husband and puppies. The puppies missed me as they have been glued to me since I got home.